April 2025 – AMM
24 April 2025 – I have terrible insomnia overnight so I send him a rambling message mainly about my food choices & how I need to get my eating under control. When he wakes up he goes into advice mode which I love, but it’s all stuff I know, I have been good before & lost weight, so I know what to do but I don’t get quick enough results so I lose motivation & say nothing works.
I don’t know what makes me think of it, but I remember creating an Adult Matchmaker (AMM) account for Phoenix & I a few years ago when I thought we could find another person for a threesome & I can finally get my number one fantasy & maybe get him another threesome with a chick too. So I navigate to the website on my phone & click login, thinking what the fuck would I have used to log in, turns out google has saved my login details & there it is, a joint account with him – all done by me back in 2021. I can’t even remember the last time I looked at it. So in this honest & open relationship I tell him I have another confession & I tell him about the AMM account & also give him the log in details so he can look at it if he wants too & see who I’m chatting to (which is no one from 2021 or currently) but maybe I will to get this fantasy going & maybe he’ll want to chat to some women too. But within a couple of hours it blows up, I snap like a child & I delete the whole account & we don’t talk about it again.
At this point, we have a 50 day snapchat streak, it’s one month since our eight year anniversary, & like 60 days since he started affair 3 v2.0 & to be honest, I am surprised its lasted this long. I have been waiting for something to happen – I’ve had an official boyfriend for exactly 14 days, so something has to give, I guess… Just didn’t think it would be like this or end like this – with him ghosting me? Again! I can’t believe I am here again with him. I am eerily calm & yet so fucking mad that I am never going to message him. Fuck him. I said I wouldn’t be the one to fix things when it blows up this time… I mean it!
So to give background, you all know by now that he’s read the blog, he’s made it perfectly clear that he isn’t happy about things I did – fine, I own that, there is nothing I can do about it & honestly, I don’t care anymore, I am not happy about the things he did after shattering my heart. But he also doesn’t get that I don’t write because I am boasting or I am proud of what I’ve done. I didn’t post expecting him to ever read it either, so when I say things some things its not always a thought out comment & it can be just how I feel at that moment of writing, not all the time. Things I say in my blog particularly about other people aren’t always how I feel, I write it, I post it & they are just thoughts. The only constant & real thing I knew & wanted was with Phoenix.
The above ‘never messaging him again’ being one of them – I mean I am super pissed, I am not going to message but I don’t know if he will or if this is how it ends? I don’t know, but right now as I type, I feel like it is going to have to be over soon. I can’t keep having this same fight. That doesn’t mean I am going out & fucking everyone or that I consider myself single again, I am just mega pissed right now.
So even though we’ve had this fight about 50 times in the last 60 days about me having ‘the same’ relationship with J-Lo & Rob Rob as I have with Phoenix is getting so old & so fucking far from the truth that I cannot keep telling Phoenix how much I love him, that I was never in love with either J-Lo or Rob Rob & furthermore, Phoenix was fucking his partner the entire time he was with me & worst of all married her during a second affair with me! How is that not worse than me having a friend that I fucked when he broke my heart!
Anyway because of the AMM account we’re talking about the threesome idea again, I love this & want it. I feel like this time I might get it, I mean he’s been more giving with him time so I think we’ll be able to plan this…. I always wanted it with Phoenix & the other guy I trusted was Rob Rob, but after everything he’s read about Rob Rob, I don’t think that Phoenix is going to want to do it with him. But to my surprise he says that he wants to give me what I want but dribbles shit about being in competition with them. Phoenix had no competition – the only competition we had, was his wife. A competition that she won. I wasn’t ever really a competitor… He was always going to choose her & he always kept me close enough to keep me invested but never close enough to want only me. No matter what he says, none of the men I ever talked to, were ever a competition for Phoenix. He had me hook line & sinker, I just was dumb sometimes & tried to sabotage it – but there has never been any competition for him – EVER! Even to this very day (at time of writing & time of posting!) there is no competition. I was dating & trying to find an actual partner. If anyone I was chatting too on a regular basis left their partner – not for me, but because it was over – I would have tried to date them, I don’t deny that, but that wasn’t a competition on who left first – like I was waiting around to be their rebound or something. I was on dating apps, I was looking for a partner, a proper partner. As much as I hate to say it, if Phoenix became single & somehow I was actually with someone else, I know that I would leave the guy I was with to be with Phoenix. No doubt in my mind. Just as now, if he left his wife, I would be there for him to have as a proper real life, out in the open, public partner!
I genuinely think he is just having a conversation with me but I am so fucking sick of this competition shit, that I cannot just talk casually about this anymore… I did not & never had feelings for Rob Rob or J-Lo. Nor have a I had feelings for anyone else, yes I have liked guys over the years, absolutely, but I have never started to get proper feelings that could turn into love. He keeps saying that he wasn’t special to me, which fucking breaks my heart every time he says it. He married someone while fucking me & didn’t have the decency to tell me himself. He didn’t tell me his wife was pregnant, I had to guess & ask… So how am I special to him, if he can’t even tell me important things in his life? I know this is about him, not me but I can’t fucking deal with this anymore, I am so sick of it that I say, “Ok, you’re not special . I did everything for all of the chat app, the anon app & tinder. You should wear a condom with me in future.” But he asks who I trust for this threesome that he wants to make this happen for me. I snap without telling him that the top choice would still be Rob Rob, even though I don’t chat to him that much anymore.
The fantasy of public toilet sex, was apparently a top fantasy for Phoenix that he raised with me once, fucking once & I said I didn’t want so he never asked again – remembering that I said yes to everything he suggested so I find it hard to believe that I said no & I don’t have evidence either way, so lets just say I did say no. Phoenix now says he doesn’t want it because I did it with someone else – a partnered man that I have a friendship with & so now Phoenix has no interest in it at all, well I never told Phoenix about this, he read it in my blog & it was fucking years ago when we were apart! Whereas after breaking my heart, – he chose her over me – I no longer care if it was because of the kids, or if I can justify it away because of his childhood trauma, he didn’t choose me, he chose her. Period. But after breaking my heart, only weeks later came back online in an open relationship – rubbing it in my face & even telling me the reason he pushed for an open relationship was to see me – yet he never did, not once did he even try, so what a crock of shit! He then had a threesome with another dude with his wife, knowing it was my number one fantasy that he refused to do with me & when he did finally agree to maybe doing it, he made it difficult every step of the way, that it never happened. Then, to top it all off, Phoenix then tells me all about the threesome he had with his wife, how he has to direct the dude what to do, he had to tell his wife what to do & then the dude came really quickly with a condom on. Great!
With this realisation about the public toilet sex & his feelings about it, I do not want this threesome anymore. I do not want a threesome with him, he did it with someone else knowing without a single doubt in his mind, that it was my top fantasy that we discussed often & is somehow pissed at me for doing something with someone when I didn’t know it was even a fantasy of his & I never rubbed it in his face… I do not want this threesome anymore. I am done with this bullshit & feeling shit day after day. I open up AMM & find ‘delete account’. I know I am being childish by deleting this account, but I don’t care. I don’t want it. In fact, the rimming scenario also goes through my head too. I do not want to do anything out of the ordinary with Phoenix that he has done with his wife. I put in so much effort in the last eight years to do everything this guy has ever wanted, that his wife apparently wouldn’t do & what do I get? Treated like shit, called a slut, because he’s read my blog & got jealous. I say to him that I don’t want it anymore (I wish that I said that I would do it in a heartbeat with someone else though! FUCK HIM!!) & he says that yes I do & that I bring it up a lot… I am so fucking angry, “Nah, I don’t want it. AMM acc is closed. I’ll pick up some condoms.” I cannot even be bothered with him now. I put my phone down. How can someone you love hurt you so much? “Don’t lie to me. You always wanted it. You couldn’t fuck me with condoms if you tried. And we tried. Stop being silly. Oh wow you did close it … IBD4U you fuckwit!!!! I didn’t want you to do that!!! I didn’t even get a chance to look at it haha. Don’t feel shit about what I said… It wasn’t my intention.”
He says he wants a threesome with me, that he will open up an account himself (Spoiler alert, he never does – not with me anyway!) I tell him not to bother, I do not want it. He says that he didn’t intend to make me feel shit but I think he forgets that I already feel shit about my sex life. I already feel like the worlds biggest loser that I have been single basically my whole life, that I didn’t even know what love was or what it was like to be loved, what it was like to love until I was well into my 30’s. He has no idea what that is like. He has no clue what that feels like & he has no idea how much it fucks with my head all the time. He tells me that he’s pissed that I deleted it, well I don’t give a fuck. It’s gone. He says that I am being dumb – maybe I am. But isn’t he too? I didn’t fuck someone in a public toilet after knowing full well it was his top fantasy that I was going to rub in his face later, giving him every fucking detail about the encounter so that he’ll hate me. I don’t recall ever talking about it with him as one of his top fantasies. I remember suggesting a public toilet & him not being interested but I don’t recall him ever suggesting it, does he not realise that if I knew that he wanted it, I would have done it with him in a heartbeat? I have always done everything he ever wanted & more…
He rubbed his kinky life in my face after breaking my heart, but he says “That was coincidental based on the information being feed to you by others and never intentially rubbed in your face … It wasn’t important to me but was a top fantasy but either way it doesn’t matter anymore , you were willing to do for someone else and not make it happen for me and showed me no interest with me about it so meh 🤷♂️, but obviously someone else wanted it ans yiu showed them more interest and was keener. My situation and fantasy didn’t depend on specific events and a certain person that was alot harder to make happen , mine could of been done very easily, you just showed no interest, I was open and warming up to yours towards the end. Either way. Why are we fighting about this ?” Is he joking, he never rubbed it in my face?! Is it April fools day? “Wasn’t coincidental, you told me the ins & outs. All I knew is that you did my top fantasy with your wife… Then told me how you had to direct the whole thing & that it blew your mind how he came so quickly with a condom… Anyway doesn’t matter, I don’t want it. Keep your memories of a 3sum with your wife intact.” Queue Mr I-Have-To-Be-The-Most-Angry, “Okay then. Did you read that recently ? Because I don’t even remember that. But anyway whatever, if you don’t want to do it with me fuck it 🤷♂️ You do whatever the fuck you want.” I say “will do” at around 8:30pm, he reads it & we don’t speak again.
25 April 2025 – The next day is Anzac day & also a Friday, so I am off – which fucking sucks cos I am so fucking hurt & angry, I don’t hear from him in the morning & it sucks that it’s a public holiday because I need to be busy today – lucky I have lots of lash clients so I can have the rest of the weekend off instead & I’m picking up my sisters dogs later for a sleepover. At around 2:00pm he messages “Could of at least said good morning to me. Are we done with that shit now?” Errr… He literally has been first to say hello every fucking day since this started, mainly because he is up before me, I didn’t even know if he’d be online today & assumed that I’d be left on unread – not something that makes me feel good. Nah get fucked, I am not writing to you first mate… Ever. “You could’ve said good night or good morning, instead of leaving me on read…. 🤷🏼♀️.”
Since we send less than 200 words in total today, the whole conversation can make up this days post, It’s a public holiday & you know what, he can’t be online today because not only is it a Friday, but his family is home – he can only message when it suits him, otherwise they are the usual excuses. “I was done with that convo. Nothing stopping you saying good night either 🤷♂️. Someone can be a stubborn bitch hey.” Oh he was done, was he?! “I’m fucking pissed off, so if that makes me a bitch… 🤷🏼♀️.” We will never get over my blog. I know that for certain. “Still pissed off , great, and you know it does.” I ask why I wouldn’t be angry still? “You left me of read, didn’t say good night or good morning & are somehow pissed at me…” What does he expect? “You were being pissy so I avoided you 🤷♂️ And sometimes I’m stubborn too 🤷♂️”
Awesome what a great way to handle it. He says “You handled it just as ‘great’ Can’t pin this entirely on me….” OMG, I am not pinning it on him, “I am the one who’s pissed off!!! What have you got to be pissed off about?? Because I’m pissed off??” What a fucking child, “Yeah pissed me off you were pissed off. It’s called a domino effect.” Well I should leave him on read, see how he likes it but I send “Good idea… Don’t try to fix it. Jist get pissed off yourself & ignore me. Well done.” He sends back, “It is what it is 🤷♂️.” I don’t reply. Go fuck your wife in a kinky threesome in a public toilet, for all I care, Fuck Fish. I am fucking done thinking about this bullshit!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 