May 2025 – Fell Asleep
11 May 2025 – He won’t get it. He never gets it. He never sees that I am sitting around all day waiting for him to message me. Well not sitting around but I am always thinking about when he will message me. We hung up from each other over five hours ago & not a single sneaky message. Nothing. I go about my day but look at my phone the entire day waiting for something… Maybe that’s my fault for expecting & wanting what he has implemented with me at the beginning of A3v2.0. I am now used to pumpkin o’clock every fucking night without fail is 10:30pm & I can usually tell as his messages get shorter & shorter, then get further & further apart so I usually call him on it & say goodnight before he says it to me, because we are usually mid conversation & he just says ‘time for bed, night #IBD4U. xxx’ & then he logs off, 9 times out of 10 not even reading my good night message to him. So I try to get in first so I don’t feel like a fucking fool all the fucking time.
He has actively gone to bed, deleted the app & not bothered to tell me. He’s done this before, he’s actually done this more times than I can count on both hands & feet, but this time, he’s my boyfriend. & my boyfriend has just shown me over & over that he does not give a flying fuck about me in the slightest! Not even a little bit. I do not matter & he makes that fucking blatantly obvious time & time again.
Of course, in the morning, I don’t get an apology. I have woken up every hour during the night to see if he messaged me, thinking perhaps he fell asleep on the couch for his ‘nap’, but nothing. Even as it approaches 8:00am, I still don’t have a response to my goodnight message. I think catastrophic thoughts of him or the kids being hurt & them being at hospital, or that she caught him & he’s going to rock up at my door. If he does that, with all his stuff, it can stay in his fucking car. I do not want it in my house, knowing that they’ll just get back together anyway & rub their open relationship in my face again… But as you can imagine, none of that happens… He just fucking fell asleep, sleep deleting the app & sleep walking to bed, but clearly didn’t think about me AT ALL…
Great. Just great. I get a ‘I fell asleep message’ & some bullshit about trying to give me as much time as he can. That he ate three burgers & chips from KFC so he went into a food coma… Sorry? We were messaging at 10:00pm! Literally three hours after he would have eaten & been in a food coma… I am so done with putting my life on hold & waiting around like the worlds biggest fool in every step of this relationship. I hate feeling foolish & I feel like a fool almost every fucking day with him! Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I don’t give him much all day & of course he logs off when she is awake & I don’t get anything back from him until he is at work after midday. I am supposed to go to his work for lunch, I have spent all Saturday afternoon making a healthy meatball zucchini zoodle thing & I just don’t want to see him. I mean I do, but I don’t want to be the one going out of my way when he started this lunch date crap… Why am I the only one doing it?! Not only does he have no idea how to react to me when I am upset, I just don’t to hear him say ‘are we done with this’ & then kiss me & I forget why I am pissed off. I have half expected that he would rock up at my house before work, just to smooth things over, but I forget that he only ever rushes to her work to smooth things over – usually at my expense because he cut time with me short to do it & then told me all about it… I’m such an idiot for thinking that he would ever give a fuck about me or how I feel.
He noticed that our 62-day streak on snap has ended again – it ended the other day & he restored it for free, I can restore it this time but I am so upset, my heart hurts with how little he cares for my feelings. He thinks I am shitty – but I am just fucking devastated. I thought when I had a boyfriend, he would treat me with respect & give a shit about me… I never realised that I would be even further down the care factor list than being able to say a simple goodnight. I don’t want out streak to end either but fuck I do not want to restore it either. I am too hurt & his reaction to me being upset, is for him to get shitty at me.
He messages to tell me he will be on his break soon, but by the time I write back he tells me that he’s been sent already. I tell him that I wasn’t going to come anyway so he asks if I want to a call. I don’t want him to ask, I just want him to just call if he wants to call… I am not an obligation. So I say that I am busy doing stuff, which is true, I am getting ready for Mother’s Day dinner at my house & I don’t want to be distracted just because he is fucking free. But I want him to call, just fucking call – don’t ask, just act for a fucking change! He reads my message & says he’ll leave me be, so I say that we’ll chat tomorrow. My family will be over soon, he’ll go home from work & he’ll completely not give a fuck if he messages me or not, then will go to bed without a second thought to me, so why will I bother to chat to him tonight. It’s certainly not going to disturb his sleep or make him feel shit… He’ll sleep soundly in the arms of another woman, while I overthink about what they are doing. Nope, not happening. He can get fucked.
Every time they have a weekend off together; I am sent into a spiral more than I care to admit. He gives me nothing to reassure me just a little bit, which is when I need it the most. He has read my message & not responded, not tried to make things better, he just gets shitty & stubborn then I can tell that I am going to have to be the one who fixes it – if I want it fixed.
12 May 2025 – I cannot sleep, we haven’t text since 3:00pm the day before, Phoenix has to be more pissed that me because I said I was doing stuff, at almost 1:00am, I send a rant because I can’t hold it in & I am hoping it might help me sleep, “Do you even understand why I am upset & feel like such a fucking fool? I don’t care if you say goodnight, but I have told you so many times that I care when you don’t tell me you are going offline. You actively have to get up off the couch/computer chair, walk to bed, put your phone down & get in bed, to just ‘fall asleep’. So don’t bullshit me that you just fell asleep, you actively have to go to bed & not bother to let me know you’re going to bed. I spent Saturday afternoon making a meatball zucchini zoodle thing (having to make the zoodles from scratch) for your lunch on Sunday, thinking about you all day – but I don’t even get one sneaky message from you… Then Saturday night you show me – not for the first time – that I mean so little to you that you can’t even muster up a I’m going to bed’ message & leave me hanging, waiting while my heart broke a little with each minute realising you’ve just logged off, sleeping soundly. On Sunday, because I was so hurt & upset, I could barely message, but I get ‘I fell asleep, I do try to give you time’ & then you choose to get pissed at me – not surprisingly because that’s always your reaction when I am upset & so I get hardly anything from you, proving how little I mean to you. I’m not an idiot, I know the situation I am in, I don’t expect you to talk to me 24/7 but how many times can I tell you how foolish I feel waiting around for you to come back online or reply to me when you just go about your day like I don’t matter to you at all… I can assure you, if this was your wife you would’ve rushed to her work & seen her to smooth things over. But I get stubborn Phoenix who doesn’t give a fuck about me, refuses to message or show that I am not actually a fool & that he does care, but instead treating me as what I am, a mistress & nothing more. It’s heartbreaking to know my boyfriend has such little regard for me when I am upset or hurt, but is more worried about who is the most stubborn & pissed.”
He replies at 5:30am, “So yeah good morning. I didn’t plan on going off-line that night.. I legitimately planned on going to bed and chatting to you. I did try and send you messages on Saturday. I rarely see my wife at work or try and smooth things over with her and I’m just as stubborn with her 90% of the time you have painted a wrong picture about me. I did try and message you yesterday… you were giving me nothing… there is only so long I can go … To show I care… If you push me away I’ll back off….. If you start giving me nothing…. I’ll back off … I do care and even if I don’t message you, I do think about you. I thought about you, and only you my entire shift at work 🤷♂️ You are never disregarded or forgotten. And I miss you all the time too. I try and stay up for you every fucking night to chat to you. 9 times out of time 10 I’m fighting sleep desperately trying to sneak some time in you with the phone hitting my face all the time… I often fall asleep but I’m so desperate to talk to you I nap and force myself to wake up after sleeping for half a hour waiting to talk to you. Sometimes I don’t don’t wake up… Saturday was one of those nights. You have no idea how easy it is for me to fall asleep after 9, having a phone in my hand makes it worse too… I’m not the same person when it comes to sleep 7 years ago. I’m a 40 year old man that gets up early for work and falls asleep the second I watch tv, play a video game or chat, read or do anything on my phone.. after 9pm…. I try so hard to fight sleep every fucking night you have no idea, it’s a battle for me”
Oh don’t do me any favours Phoenix! “You didn’t try to message me Saturday afternoon, I went from the call at 11am to 8:30pm before you messaged again… You have no idea how much of an idiot I feel when I am cooking – something I hardly do for myself – something low cal, but filling for you, to meet you for you shift only to feel so insignificant to you… I was so hurt & felt so foolish just waiting like a dick, also tired & falling asleep but didn’t want to put my phone down & miss a message… So I sit there & wait & wait. Even drifting off myself for a few minutes, fighting it… Maybe once I finish work, we should say goodbye. Not chat again, because I can’t keep feeling like a wanker everytime you don’t sneakily message me or when you just go offline with no notice. (which you do more than you ever realise even though I have asked you time & time again not to do it….!)” I have suggested this before, I finish at 4:00pm & he reminds me all the time how much of a struggle it is for him to stay awake, so I think we just say goodbye so he doesn’t have to stay up & I don’t have to feel like a wanker. Don’t forget he was the one who started this & set this precedence, not me. I never asked for this, but now I have it, I don’t want to feel like a fucking twat every time I am left waiting around. He says he doesn’t want that & asks if I am free for lunch.
He says we can establish some rules so I can stop feeling like a wanker… We shouldn’t need rules & what are they going to do anyway? He can’t honour my simple requests to communicate better, so what are rules going to do, “I font want you coming to lunch because I said you do it with your wife… We’ve talked about this 1000 times, I’ve said you don’t have to say goodbye, all I ask is for you to let me know your going offline & you still can’t do it so how are rules going to help??” His reply is valid, but it doesn’t help, “Because I try and chat to you along as I can ! I have been making an effort to say when I’m off-line by saying goodbye. I will make more of an effort now. I just want to chat to you along as I can. And assumed I was going to chat to you in bed that night. It was not intentional nor was I trying to treat you like nothing I forget you. I genuinely feel asleep. I should of said bye to you before I fell asleep. And will In the future if it’s going to fuck you up this bad.” I’ve heard similar before & he still does it… Just as he doesn’t know how to say he’s going offline, I don’t know how to not get pissed off when he doesn’t do the one fucking thing I have asked for in eight years…
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 