June 2025 – Cookie Pie
13 June 2025 – What fucking kills me is the next morning, Phoenix tells me that he was awake until after 12:00am doing his pizza post, I try not to let that bother me, I don’t want to be annoyed with him. We clearly have very different ideas on what he meant when he said ‘I want to chat to you as much as I can’ & the fact that he was & now doesn’t. We chat on the phone for his break even though it’s Friday – of course me making sacrifices that could get me fired, that he wouldn’t make for me…
At Christmas last year I was given a little clear board that lights up, it’s like a whiteboard with some fluro pens that glow when the light is on. I’ve been putting all the holidays up like Anzac day, happy easter etc. But today I put on it ‘It’s not a Gameboy!’ & so I send a picture of it to him, but he seems to miss the picture & doesn’t mention it.
He goes offline, hoping he’ll come back later that night because I have some exciting news so I send a message, “I just got a call for a job I applied for… They don’t want me for that job but want to meet me for another role but she couldn’t tell me about much – from reading between the lines – the person in the role is not doing well & is moving on… But I’ll meet with her next week to get more details… But that’s kinda exciting.” But what do you know, he doesn’t come back online, probably because he stayed up the night before writing a post for his page.
14 June 2025 – When he finally comes online today it’s after 9:00am, while he’s at work, he doesn’t mention my news, just tells me that his phone didn’t charge overnight. He doesn’t say anything to me about his break which annoys me because I have baked a cookie pie for him. He calls me again – maybe on a break or his way home, I can’t recall but we get off the phone & have a fight… Probably because I feel like a fucking wanker & he keeps saying he hasn’t changed.
He didn’t tell me about his breaks today, knowing I literally go see him every weekend now, with food that I’ve cooked & he knows I don’t even cook for myself, “Sorry? I recall a time when you told me off for not telling you I was working from home, because ‘you want to see me as much as you can’ yet today, you can’t even message me till after 9am & say you didn’t want to take up my holidays… I’m sure you’re busy & need your sleep. Night.” I am sick of this, why is it always the same?! Why am I always allowing this? “I didn’t know what your clients were gonna be like that today and I forgot to check my phone was on charge But I do want you to tell me when you are working from home !” He asked me my schedule but opted to call me instead, his last message was around 4:00pm. I don’t write back till after 7:00pm, “Your phone was charged enough to watch YouTube… 🤷🏼♀️ Also you tell me to message when you’re not online, cos you want to hear what I have to say – but you don’t even acknowledge what I even said so I basically am just a dude in my chat app PM’s having a convo with himself. Yesterday I spent ages making a yummy lunch & dessert to see you today – but you don’t ask about my clients (knowing full well I don’t start clients till 11 so I have time to see you) & you never tell me when you’re working anymore or your vague about it, so as always this is solely on Phoenix’s terms. But it’s cos he’s so busy & tired, not because he’s changed or taking me for granted. No, definitely not. It’s been 3 months – so 3 weeks in Phoenix time. Maybe it’s time to really think about what you want.” I toss & turn all night while he sleeps soundly… Not giving a fuck that he is making me feel so insignificant, he just plays it off as I’m being a typical girlfriend…
15 June 2025 – At 7:50am he finally replies, “I watch YouTube on TV only… Did you want me to start sending you my roster again?” I don’t write back until 3:00pm where I just say “No”, if he doesn’t want me to know when he’s working so he can use it at an excuse, then so be it… “I don’t know what you want to do , but if you can’t handle it , if I need too, I can pull back, I genuinely have tried to make an effort to message you more , ring you as much as I can and see often …, and try not to take you for granted , I know I’m not perfect nor is the situation, but I don’t want to always fuck you off either Orr upset you.” If he needs to pull back?! Is he joking, he already has!
At 5:30pm, I write back, “This is how you treated me right before your daughter was born & right before you got married. So either you have something big going on & you don’t know how to tell me or you want me to end it. Either way, the way you acted today, speaks volumes of how much I mean to you. 🤷🏼♀️” Who wants to make a bet I won’t hear from him again until tomorrow?!
16 June 2025 – Fuck that was the safest bet ever placed!! He does a really good job of not taking me for granted, by not messaging me from his last message yesterday at 5:00pm until today at almost 11:30am! “Nothing big is happening, just my normal boring life haha. I don’t want you to end things, I just don’t want tto keep pissing you off all the time ! I honestly do try and message you daily, and message you when I can 😕 Yesterday you gave me nothing so I gave it back to you. You do mean something to me, and I really enjoyed our day out the other day. Honestly I have been trying with you …. I wish you could see it. Always ring you when I can and see you when I can… I assumed you were going to see me yesterday.” Yeah good one Phoenix, his standard move when I am upset, hurt or angry is to be more stubborn…! He didn’t again bother to tell me when his break is, so how could I go see him?! I made a fucking lunch & a cookie pie for him, I feel like such a fucker wanker for doing it… & all I get is stubborn Phoenix – who started this, by letting his guard down, so why the fuck is it up again?? I bet they’re moving interstate or she’s pregnant again… Definitely something big is happening & I won’t be privy to it until about five months after I stop talking to him – what this space! It’s happened twice before, so I’m certian of it!
I ask him to call on my break & he is a fuck wit & says to me when we’re talking, ‘do you have your period’, which I don’t & I say after we hang up “And BTW I don’t have my period. No, I am in a relationship where the guy doesn’t act like he cares & instead of trying to make me feel better he just ignores me more because he’s being a typical guy…” But he just says that maybe I should become lesbo, is he fucking serious… “So I think we should circle back to something I said a while ago, that we say goodbye after work & if you come back you come back & if you don’t, you don’t… But also when I get upset, you don’t be a stubborn asshole & ignore me more… & then I won’t be a bitch. It’s the circle of life…” He says that what he’s been doing, oh righto, “No… You said you didn’t want to do that… And when I get upset, you say you don’t want to upset me but then make me more upset by being a bastard.” Would have been nice if he let me in on that fucking detail of saying goodbye after work – which for the record he still doesn’t do, remember the other Friday when I got one mesaage & then nothing until he deemed it safe to come back online – probably lying in bed with her, when it’s safe…
“And what about the being a dick when I’m upset?? And logging off at midday friday & never coming back then not messaging till 9 am Saturday, is not considered by anyone as ‘chatting every chance they get’” He says he’s in bed early Friday nights, which is not fucking true, “And not messaging till 9am Saturday? When you’ve been up since 4:30 watching you tube??? Maybe this will help you understand my perspective – on Friday you said ‘do something productive’ & I have seen you every sat or sun you’ve worked for weeks besides when I was away… So I made a cookie pie & I made yummy healthy lunches thinking, he never gives me much notice but on Saturday morning for his break, so I’ll be ready when I wake up the I’ll let you know that I made something yummy… But you didn’t bother to come back online until about 6 mins before your break. You then did the same for your 2nd break & didn’t bother to even message Sunday, being more stubborn, while I sit there thinking how much of a fucking idiot I am for even wanting to do nice things for you, non sexual thing… when your nice thing for me is making me cum… I am really not more than sex to you, am I?!” He has said over & over that I am not just sex to him, but he is making me feel like I am just sex & mean nothing to him. He is making me feel like he’s regretting starting this version of this affair. ”I had no idea you were going to do that for me. That is pretty fuckin cool. I always wanted more than sex for you.. I’m the one that is telling you we should have no sex on our date days…” Where does he think the food comes from that I take him every weekend? He knows I make food because I made him pasta, made a platter – the list goes on…“I have made you lunch every fucking weekend you’ve worked since we started ‘non’ sex dates… So do you understand why I was upset? Yes I could’ve told you that I had made lunches ready, but I was even more upset that I knew you’d been up since before the sun ( &always before me!) but hasn’t messaged me at all… So I felt like more of an idiot the longer time went on…”
I guess it’s my fault, I plan & he doesn’t, I plan nice things because I am not as good vocalising my feelings or being tactile, I made the cookie pie in the shape of a heart & felt like a dickhead so I ate the whole thing which made me feel sick but I needed it gone, “It would of been a really nice surprise 😕 Thank you for doing that for me. I’m sorry what happened on sat.” He says sorry but I just don’t think things will change, can we get past this? Can he stop doing it? Can I stop being upset about it? I know I pick on his actions a lot, I know I am not innocent, but he is the one that started this, set the precedence of how this would go & now he’s changing it again, while I am still on the relationship train is what is killing me…
He says he is not good at this stuff when I get upset, but he says he is doing his best to message me when he can but then he says something so fucking dumb, I am bewildered by his excuses when I ask that he wasn’t alone to message me for 18 fucking hours, “Both my kids can fucking read too so gotta be carefull.” My nieces & nephews are the same age & they couldn’t give a fuck what I am doing on my phone & this is just a new excuse, so he doesn’t have to put in effort. So I say ‘time for you to go’ & I log off. What an absolute fucking joke.
17 June 2025 – I have an interview today for the job I told him about on Friday, I don’t want to talk to him this morning. I need to be in the right headspace. He messages but all I say is ‘yo’ to him, I don’t want to be pissed off for this meeting & I wish I just let him on read. It’s difficult because I can’t prepare as it’s not a job I applied for & they haven’t told me the company they are recruiting for. I am sceptical, but I have nothing to lose having a Teams meeting with the recruiter. It sounds exciting but it’s a lot further away from my house, but will probably be a lot more money, that I am interested but I am concerned about seeing Phoenix. Though it would be much more flexible that my current job, so things might be a lot better. But let’s be honest, doesn’t matter where I work, this is on a downhill trajectory to ending badly sometime soon…
We talk on the phone mainly about my current job & possible new job. After the call we text about it a bit more & how scared I am, the new job they have said I can negotiate the job title, but what the fuck does that mean? It sounds like a general manager or operations manager role, so I will have to wait & see, she wants to meet with the business owner & have a coffee next week. & with that he just says go for the coffee & goodnight.
18 June 2025 – The next morning, I snap “Haven’t changed hey?? Been up for at least an hour, start working in 10 mins & haven’t messaged?? You are pulling away, I don’t care what you say… If you want me to end it, just say cos this emotional bullshit you put me through & you wonder why I act crazy…. I act crazy because you fucking change when something big is happening….” I hate that I say crazy because I am really not acting crazy at all, this is fucking awful & he just makes me feel unappreciated & insignificant every day but I keep thinking one day things will be better, especially after we talk on the phone, then he proves me wrong the next day. I don’t think we can get past this… “Good morning my sexy bitch! Omg stop getting crazy! I’m not doing it on purpose ! Wednesdays and Thursdays my wife is up early…. it’s the days I use to call you in the morning … Back when i had actual days off 😕 Stop acting crazy. Stop being a paranoid dickhead, i was getting my kids ready for osch this morning. It’s cute you miss me so much and want to talk to me so early though! Oi IBD4U, I love you 😛 Ill just keep being a ik chat app dude. Talking to myself. You got any cool hobbies ? What do you do for fun? Are you into kink? I love eating pussy and want to go down on you for hours. I like sex. I want to see you try on some sexy outfits infront of your big mirrors.” Oh another new excuse, his wife is up early on these two days now… Sure thing mate, you can mesaage lying in bed but not while she’s getting ready & distracted to not see what you’re doing on your phone… Okay! He says something about not messaging me as soon as he wakes up, I wish I was writing down times of his rants only two months ago, because they were always well before 5:00am. Now he doesn’t message me till after 11:00am… I say it’s obviously physically impossible to message, “But anyway, I know it’s hard for you to message, so I’ll just leave you be. You can message when you can, I understand you can’t message 24/7 & you message me all the time.” I use his line on him…
“Dont be like that … Part of the reason I did not message you was so I could Smash out my online shopping so I can see you tommorow ! Tommrow is the only day I can see you tommrow so I fucking hope you are in your normal office and not training or something. There is no big conspiracy theory or plan. I message you morning every day. Chat to you every day. When I’m not chatting to you I genuinely fucking miss you !!! I am trying my hardest honestly to make this work. I will take your feedback and feelings more on board and try and send you more Sneaky messages on weekends or Fridays. And try and make sure I message you first thing. I don’t wantt to keep upsetting you.” Smash out online shopping?? It doesn’t take that fucking long to do it… OMG his excuses are getting as good as when he told his wife he cut his dick with a box cutter at work… How did I know he would say that he could see me tomorrow, so Phoenix now has a plan in his head to see me tomorrow & I just have to be available or I won’t get to see him – but I’m not priviy to this information so I can’t organise anything. & also get a fucking grip, didn’t he tell me once that he was chatting to me when doing his online shopping & using that as an excuse to her?! “Say what ? I want to try harder for you IBD4U, honestly. I want to factor you when I can. I hate the current cycle. I fucking loved our day on Thursday. I don’t want that to end. There is no conspiracy theory, no physiological warfare or Big plan. I promise. Honestly I do fucking miss you all the time. My fucking highlight of the day is our daily phone call.” Well why couldn’t he just say shit like that make me feel appreciated & loved. But then he says the thing that makes me was to slap his face, “I am a legitimately busy person, being part time and being the main parent in charge of everything keeps me super fucking busy.” THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU START THIS IF YOU’RE SO BUSY… I didn’t ask for it, I was perfectly happy how it was… I never asked for more. I never pushed to see him or speak to him. The only reason I do now is because he fucking sucked me in & call him my fucking boyfriend. Get fucked. There is something going on, he is pulling away even more because of how upset I get, but for me to get here, he had already pulled away, so I don’t know what the something is, I guess I will find out five months after it happens, like I did with his wedding or his open relationship.
We made it to 84 days in our snapstreak, I had restored it five times over the past few weeks & I say that it’s pretty good but I am not restoring it now. He says, “A little but how long could we keep it going epically getting cranky all the time haha. I honestly don’t think we should fuck on date days. As much as I loved have a sexy little school girl to rape and make me cum in under 2 minutes!” I am ok with not having sex, but one of the issues is that I haven’t seen him for a week & I don’t know when he is going to be able to see me again, the only way I know how to feel close to him is with sex… Is it wise to have these sexless dates? Let’s face it, we aren’t having many sex dates so how the fuck can we have an actual sexless date.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 