Phoenix #59

July 2025 – I don’t give a fuck about you

27 July 2025 – I have listened all week about LMA. I have felt the distance when he is working with her, how little he messages me. Don’t get me wrong, he still messages me & we still speak on the phone at lunch but it feels forced. Like he doesn’t care about me. Maybe I’m reading into it too much but that’s how I feel. I can’t help how it makes me feel & he does nothing to help us, no matter what I say.

I do really like that he’s talking to me about this chick & things that they discuss etc, because it means he feels comfortable & trusts me. On top of that, I know he’s going to be honest about if he does end up fucking her, but on the other hand I don’t want to fucking hear about it all the time, especially since I barely hold this guy’s attention myself lately except when his dick is inside me or we’re talking about sex, otherwise, I feel like I am barely a blip on his radar. I am certain that he will say different, that he thinks about me all the time, but that’s how I feel… I have dropped from maybe top 10 priorities, to in the top 15, if I am lucky.

Kids
Facebook
Wife
Work
House work
Yard work
Dinner
Groceries
Little Miss A
Blog
Family
Friends
YouTube
Me

So when the weekends come around & he doesn’t tell me what his schedule is, until the last minute, I don’t even know how to react. She’s off on Friday’s & so is he, again this week. I try on Thursday night to say that I’ll chat to him on Saturday, knowing he won’t chat to me all Friday – despite that I cannot believe that he doesn’t not have five minutes away from her to quickly message me, which he claims he doesn’t at all anymore, besides obviously months ago when in bed with her.

But to recap, he messages me in the morning, I write back & he says he’s freezing at the kids bus stop then I reply & get NOTHING in reply until Saturday morning. 23 hours later. My boyfriend, who supposedly loves me, supposedly thinks about me all the time, just logs off & doesn’t talk to me for 23 hours, mid conversation…. So from Friday at the bus stop with the kids, he puts them on the bus then poof! His wife is by his side the entire day & never away from him until Saturday morning. So lets put this in perspective for those thinking I am crazy for being upset, he was at the kids school bus stop about a minute from where they live, lets assume alone, because he was messaging me right. The bus isn’t out the front of his house – from what I understand he has to walk to get to the bus stop, not far, but enough time to write back & say goodbye for the day before walking home. So she’s obviously not there, being he is messaging me right? So he’s had to walk home – not looking at my message before then actively deleting the app & going home for a full 23 hours (despite being up for at least 2-3 hours) before logging in again, acting like nothing has happened & that I will just go to see him at lunch. I am not angry, I am not pissed. I am destroyed. I am hurt, I am devastated. I had moved my clients to earlier in the morning to make sure I was available to suit his schedule. But I can’t even muster up a conversation with him. & true to Phoenix form, he doesn’t even notice that I am so sad. So spent. So stupid. So foolish.

So today, the morning after I decided not to see him for the first time ever in the history of our relationship, he messages saying morning & I ask if his goodnight message last night was a joke. But he just asks how I am today, I ignore it & just say that it was a good one, but almost two hours after he wanted to know how I am, he hasn’t read my messages… So an hour later, I say at 10:00am,“Nice to know how much you actually care. Night then… Chat later. 😐”. He says shortly after, “I do care but if you are going to push me away 🤷‍♂️ Ill back off.” Fuck he just doesn’t get this at all… I haven’t pushed him away. He hasn’t talked to me for 23 fucking hours & made me feel so insignificant, after COUNTLESS conversations about how not telling me his whereabouts makes me feel. I mean absolutely nothing to him.

In eight years I have asked one thing. IN EIGHT YEARS, only one thing have I asked of Phoenix. To let me know his chat availability. Not his sex availability. I ask him to tell me when he is going offline. Now the exception to this was when he was just fucking me monthly & nothing more, I never got that & I never expected it. I cared, but it wasn’t my place to be pissed about his chat availability, we were lovers, not partners. But this guy is now my boyfriend, he supposedly loves me & he can’t even stand at the bus stop an extra 20 seconds to say goodbye for the day before having to delete the app… I don’t bother trying to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. Go be pissed off at me & fuck your wife, dickhead.

28 July 2025 – Monday I get an old school (when I say onld school, I mean less than 3 months ago when he started this!) Phoenix style rant at 4:30am “Fuck you frustrate me sometimes. I do try really hard to chat to you when I can. I am an old busy person with older kids and a wife that knows I cheats so I am different person with different behaviours than 8 years ago. And I do fall asleep quite often by 9pm. Sometimes I try (and successfully do) wake myself up to chat to you att night which takes a bit a effort. Anything I do is not personally against you or to disregard you. My instant reaction to distant, cold or conversations where you push me away is to back off to protect myself. You would probably do it yourself to protect yourself if I did it to you. I also admittly got annoyed I went to some effort to spend some time with you on Saturday for you to tell me not to worry about it. Which just encourages me to distant myself from you during those peroids where you are pissed at me. I know it’s your way to make it on your terms or whatever bs is going through your head. Stop over thinking everything” Fuck sake! True narcissistic side of Phoenix, he completely misses what is even happening here… We argue all day & when we speak on the phone, we argue. Why am I even trying? There is no reason for us to keep trying to make this more than it is & pissing each other off…

“I’m not overthinking. I have asked one thing if you in 8 years. One thing. To let me know when you are going offline… & even though we had endless conversations about it, you still can’t fucking do it. You’re at the bus stop, message me then poof you are home delete the app, without being able to say goodbye & never come back online all day & night for 20 hours then expect me to come see you because you made made an effort… Then you don’t even give a shit that I am so hurt that I can’t come see you because I don’t want you to see me cry & you make it about you… I rearranged clients – which I don’t like doing, I baked you cookies despite my better judgement to do so & all I get is Phoenix being so narssisic that he can’t even reflect on how he’s treated me for me to act that way, but blames me because he’s so busy & he did something to have an alibi… Which I didn’t know because you don’t communicate with me… I tried to say I’ll chat Saturday but you insisted on chatting Friday morning & then just disappear & I’m the one who’s frustrating… And I even thought, you’re being stupid, you’ve wanted to not go to his work before when pissed off… But you go & he makes you feel better… But I wasnt pissed I was hurt. So fucking deeply hurt that you would just log off at the bus stop knowing you wouldn’t come back online all day… So I thought Phonix will tell me to come, stop being an idiot & just come but you didn’t, it made me realise that you don’t even care if you hurt me. You don’t care if I’m upset. & you don’t care if we don’t see each other.”

He says that he can’t tell me when he can be online on Fridays – oh but he could when he first started this version of the affair, he just can’t now that I am calling him out on it. I still ask why when at the bus stop couldn’t he just say goodbye, & he just says he was sick & still is sick… Well if it’s not that he tired, it’s that he’s sick or busy… He asks if I just want him to not message me on Fridays, which is not what I want… “No, I just want you to say goodbye… You 100% are telling me that on Friday, at the bus stop you couldn’t say goodbye?? I don’t care if you don’t come back online at night anymore, when you’ve said goodbye… But if you just leave me hanging like a wanker then I get so hurt because I’ve asked so many times for you to communicate. & usually, I still go see you because I deserve to see you & thought I just can’t… Even though I had organised my groceries to pick up at 1 on my way home from seeing you & you acted like you didn’t even care that I wasn’t going to come, made me glad I didn’t bother.”

“No because I thought I had more time to chat to you that morning, I did care but uo. You were acting like you didn’t care. Which in turns makes me act like I don’t care.” Why the fuck does he do that & not try to reassure me, give me something to know I am not just a wanker waiting for 20+ hours for a message from my boyfriend… “You knew I would be upset about you disappearing, yet you continue to do it & I usually cave & still come to see you. But I didn’t want you to see me crying so I decided not too & then you just went ‘I’ll do my errands alone then’ I was like fuck this guy really doesn’t give a shit if I am there or not.” He says he doesn’t want to make me cry & I say too late… He wouldn’t even know if I cry or not or if I am hurt or upset, because he’s not around physically & never online anymore, so he just doesn’t give a fuck!

We speak on the phone, which I didn’t think would happen today & as he goes he says that he does care, he just doesn’t show it well. “You always have to compete with who is most pissed off… And paired with last week, when I was feeling shit about myself physically & asked once for you to tell me why you love me & you said cos I fuck you well…” He asks why I was feeling shit & I say because my pants didn’t fit & he hasn’t been very vocal about anything, especially about how I look lately & telling me all about how hot LMA is. I ask him a bunch of questions, “We need to work out a way I won’t get pissed off… Do you want me to stop saving our convo? Can you send me a message on something else if you have to go quickly?? Or what do you think I should do? Just glfeel like a dick & not say anything? Just get over it, waiting for 23 hours for a reply??” & his reply infuriates me “Well im gojnf to go now. And will try and send a message in future. Bye bye for now x” Fuck off cock head, I’ve heard that before. I just want to scream. Honestly, if it wasn’t so close to my birthday, this would be done…

29 July 2025 – Tuesday we barely talk, but I have decided that I just need to try to not care & give him the same energy that he is giving me – which in turn makes him give me less & then maybe it’ll be easier to end this. We talk on the phone, most of my way home, he hangs up when his kids get home & hasn’t finished what he was saying so I get a bunch of messages about his work. He’s made soup which he sends me a picture of, I ask him to save me some & he says “maybe” which just kills me, why is he being so cold, I’m really trying here, trying to just ignore his asshole tendencies, so I say “Don’t do me any favours, Phoenix. Might hurt yourself. Anyway, chat later. Night.” He says he’ll save me some – which, spoiler alert, he doesn’t, but when I know he’s gone I say “I think it’s best if we limit out chats to when we’re at work. Since you have no suggestions.”

I can’t help be so erratic, I am really trying to be ok with this new dynamic – another new dynamic for the year when this Papa Roach song comes to mind, do we need distance to know what we’re missing? Are we missing anything? But I can’t help but wonder – how did we get so far from our breakthrough?

Papa Roach – Always wondering

I can’t recall what I don’t remember
Behind the walls and the barricades
I lock the door when I can’t surrender
I turn around when I shoulda stayed
How did we get
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rear view
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering
(We’re always wondering)
No telling if we’re making something out of nothing
We get turned around sometimes before we see what’s comin
We needed the distance (We needed the distance)
To know what we’re missing (To know what we’re missing)
Another remission (Another remission)
And now I’m running from a collision
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rear view
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering
(We’re always wondering)
So far away from the break through
Keep holding back all the issues
Nothing but cracks in the rearview
We’re always wandering
Outside the lines on the way out
Can’t get away from the comedown
Afraid there’s too much to say now
We’re always wondering

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Jacoby Shaddix / Tobin Esperance / Nicholas Furlong / Anthony Esperance / Andrew Fulk
Always Wandering lyrics © Beartrackspublishing, Wizards Dancing Underwater, Meatlocker 2019 Publishing

30 July 2025 – The next morning, I don’t get a message until about 8:30 am. I haven’t messaged because my last message is sitting there unread. I am going to work late so I am doom scrolling, looking at his stupid fucking Facebook page which has been posted on two hours ago. Oh great, so he’s been awake since at least 6:00am & he waits until 8:30am to log on & message me for the first time that day! Could I feel more invisible? I don’t want to be an obligation, I have never wanted that with anyone. But I want what I put in back. I want what he started putting in before he withdraw. It’s not that difficult to start out as you intend to go on, right? That’s always been my motto.

I am already home from work having been told the wrong day to go to Murray Bridge so I thought this was an opportunity for him to come see me, but I am not going to tell him I am home, he’ll see on snap maps that I’m home but I get nothing again until about 12:00pm where he says that he’s stuck at home with his sick son. So from 8:30am to 12:00pm before he looks at my messages – this from a man who’s home & apparently wants to chat to me as much as he can. I understand – now that he’s said, that he is home with his son, but can you just see my side here, how shit I feel because I see he’s been posting consistently on his Facebook page & not chatting to me, when he says that he wants too.

I say goodnight early again, thinking that from now on, I will say goodbye when I get home from work & not chatting to him at night. I fucking hate it, but I don’t see a way forward here. But he sends me a snap of him picking up his daughter from school & that he missed our call today. Um what the actual fuck? If he’s snaping me pics at his daughter’s school, then his son isn’t with him, so why didn’t he call me on the drive to school & while waiting? He knows that I would be happy with a short ten minute call than no call at all.

I see again later that night that he’s posted after 9:00pm on his Facebook page. Let me just get one thing out, I am not stalking the Facebook page to see if he’s online. I know he’s allowed on the Facebook page because it makes them money, but I look to see what he’s posted because I think they are funny posts & in an odd way, I feel less disconnected from him when I look at it. I don’t usually notice when the things were posted, but the fact that it’s almost 9:30pm & he’s posted twice since 9:00pm – sorry didn’t he say in his rant (& 1000 times before) that he struggles to stay awake past 9:00pm & he always tries to stay awake to message me.

Ok so I’ve already said goodnight, so maybe he’s just not going to talk to me because I said it this afternoon? I decide to go to sleep, but fuck I just can’t sleep, the whole night is bullshit, even one of my dogs is pacing, WTF. At 10:00pm, he messages but I am not looking at it, I probably should have, I saw the message on my watch but I am tired, I just can’t sleep. I had said that he could have called, to his message about missing our call, but his reply at 10:00pm is just “Na not around my son.”

#IBD4U