Marvel #20

May 2024

There is literally no chat with him on this day but he is supposed to be coming over – his usual MO, he doesn’t speak to me much or at all on the morning if he has already planned to come over. He has organised the fuck session & then doesn’t chat in the morning to confirm or make sure I am still free. Imagine if I needed to bail, he wouldn’t fucking know… He could literally talk to me all day everyday while she’s at work but you can put money on it that on the day that’s he going to see me, he will not message hello or good morning. I am too stubborn to message him first, obviously, he is always up before me, so he should message me first but then I get a simple message “On my way now” & I send back “see you soon…” which I shouldn’t even bother as he doesn’t read my replies, he just rocks up so we literally could not say much less than that right?

We have sex, I suggest watching in the mirror, but I get self-conscious because of my hips – they have gotten so big since I had stomach surgery & now any time I put on weight, it doesn’t go to my stomach, it goes to my hips, legs & arms. I am self conscious, I struggle to cum, but of course I do because let’s face it, if I am riding him, then I am going to cum, no matter how much I try to stop it & I don’t think he could stop it if he tried…

There is something about our catch up today, I haven’t slept with anyone else or really dated anyone else in the last almost 18 months now so perhaps that why, it can’t be the witty conversation over text because that is non-existent at this point with him, we text only really about sex, we have sex & then we actually speak in person. But even our in person conversation isn’t that deep. We chat about my work, his work & nothing much else, I let my guard down sometimes over sharing, but I definitely never talk about how I feel about him or anything that would make this more that fuck buddies.

I don’t always have the best memory, so I wish that I wrote more notes & I wish I remember our post coital chats better, because today as he is laying there talking about fuck knows what, I am enamoured by whatever he is saying & I feel a tingle. This tingle isn’t in my clit, that’s satisfied (for now), this tingle is in my heart… FUCK. What the fuck is that about? What does that even mean? I can’t rekindle the feelings I had for this man, he will just shut me down, I am almost certain of that, remembering him spouting to me multiple times at the start of affair number 3 ‘don’t get too close to me’ so I am not sure what I am feeling, his wall is way up, he can log off for weeks without even a thought of me, mine is crumbling brick by brick with every word he’s saying & I don’t even remember what he fucking said, but I can’t get close to him again.

Let me be clear, I haven’t ever stopped loving this man per se, the variance of this love is usually based on the way he’s treating me, how much he’s online, what he’s saying, but I always love him & I always think of him as my best friend, even with this skerrick of a friendship he gives me. If you asked me, I would say I don’t have feelings for him, that I don’t love him. True I am not “in love” in the sense of the word but this man was my first love & I’m still fucking him like 7 years later, so of course there is love there… So I wish that I knew what he said this day to flick that switch. To make me walk away thinking that I am “in love” with him. Not as deeply as I was, but I can’t deny it anymore (pretty much since the Papa Roach concert I guess), that I love him & I am actively in love with him.

… Fuckity, fuck… I’m fucked.

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Later that month, unprecedented by his standard but not of late I guess, Marvel is catching up with me again. Maybe he felt it too? Or am I just cooked? I don’t know what but we barely ever catch up twice in a month. Maybe he felt it? Don’t be stupid #IBD4U, you didn’t feel anything. I need to be emotionless, he did say ‘Don’t get close to me‘ so many times that it is imbedded in my brain. I can literally still hear it in my head… He keeps me at a distance because he is married & shouldn’t be seeing me, he doesn’t want to get caught, he doesn’t want to lose his family, doesn’t matter about me or my feelings. It’s about him, not about me. He doesn’t care how much this hurts me, he doesn’t care that I lost my best friend & the only way I can get a snippt of his time, is to do it on his terms & turn off any feelings I had or am having. I need to shut that shit down right now.

He comes over & within about 5 minutes I have cum three times, I then suck his dick because I can’t seem to keep cumming today. I suck it until he cums in my mouth, I lick it all up like a good girl that he likes, but then he gets dizzy & has a weird headache. He lays on the bed, I am careful not to touch him but offer him a drink & Panadol.

Our post coital chat today is mainly about his facebook page because he is now making a fair bit of money from it. He has been so sporadic posting with it, but now they are paying him for posts, he has taken a huge interest in it & posting really regularly. We chat about it a lot, when he gets passionate about a subject, you can’t shut him up about it. It’s quite cute & endearing. Fuck, I can’t find him cute… He isn’t cute, he isn’t anything. He’s just a fuck buddy I see for a monthly service & that’s it.

Remember, don’t get too close to him!

#IBD4U