January 2025
There are little moments in time where I think stupid shit. I don’t talk about this often, or ever really but every now & then, more often than I care to admit I imagine that Marvel is in my life as my real partner, coming home to me, in bed next to me, doing mundane things like mowing the lawn or washing clothes, even packing the dishwasher. Sometimes it feels so real that I am disappointed when he doesn’t actually walk through the door, or he doesn’t come up behind me kissing my neck or even as Boyfriend used to do when I was bending over packing the dishwasher, he’d come up behind me & dry hump me – I used to think it was weird when Boyfriend did it, not knowing this was a normal thing, but I’d give anything to have a mundane everyday experiences with Marvel like this.
It’s disturbing how often I think about it, particularly lately since we barely talk about anything & obviously I never get it. I don’t want a happy ending, an ending means the end… I want the happy in between, will I ever get the in between with Marvel? When he doesn’t talk to me for weeks on end, it’s hard to think that we even had anything at all, he doesn’t think about me, he doesn’t have feelings for me, maybe he never did… I question this a lot as you know…
But oddly, I wrote the above bit before this. It’s his 40th birthday, I send him a message despite him not being online for over 2 weeks over the Christmas/new years period – as usual, I am not surprised, I want him to know – just like he let me know with the citronella candle incident that I do care about him & am thinking about him. I don’t show it as often as he does, that’s for sure, keeping my cards always close to my chest because I have to protect myself as he dictates when we speak & see each other. So I say happy 40th & send a snap of me exposing myself from my little silky white dressing gown saying that I hope I can still make his old cock twitch. He doesn’t come online so he doesn’t get his birthday message & my mind wanders to the fact he’s probably getting birthday sex from her & I’m far from his mind. Why would I be in his mind when he is getting hot, kinky sex from the woman he married?!
Yet when he comes on the next day – just as he did last year, he says ‘OMG it did. I jerked off to the thought of fucking you this morning’ Well it was a sexy video, or perhaps he means before? I ask before or after watching the video & when he says ‘before’ I smile which surprises me. So maybe he does think about me when he’s not talking to me? Maybe he didn’t get even mediocre birthday sex? I just don’t think about that, because he’s quite clearing wanting to keep the distance, not only did he set the precedence very early on in affair 3 to chat so sporadically, you can’t really call it chatting but he also doesn’t communicate with me much via text that it’s clear to me what I am to him, I’m just the woman on the side who give him the best sex he’s ever had.
I know the thought of someone jerking off about them is somewhat creepy, but these are the things that remind me that this guy is not over me – albeit it might just be about sex, but he thinks about me, even when he’s not replied. He told me so many times during the second affair that he held back a lot & I know that he is holding back even more now, which is why he doesn’t message me often because he is keeping the boundaries up. I get that I hurt him when I ended it the second time but too bad, he fucking destroyed me the first time. I make no apologies for hurting him while saving myself, he didn’t give a fuck about hurting me, I’d do it again in a heartbeat to save myself.
You know what song comes to mind – I hate everything about you by Three Days Grace, I fucking hate this guy, why would I think about a future with him? Because ‘I hate everything about you, why do I love you?’ Why do I? Because he leaves me these little nuggets to keep me interested? To keep me hanging? Is it intentional or does he mindlessly do it?
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don’t miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven’t missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
Only when I stop to think about you
I know
Only when you stop to think about me
Do you know?
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me?
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Adam Gontier / Neil Sanderson / Brad Walst / Gavin Brown
I Hate Everything About You lyrics © Emi April Music (canada) Ltd., Noodles For Everyone, 3 Days Grace Publishing
The last week of school holidays & the last week of January, when he tells me that he can sneak to see me lunchtime on Saturday – normally I have clients for my little hobby lash business, but given it’s a long weekend, I booked everyone around the days so I could have a 3-day weekend myself. I never fully believe that he is going to come over, I mean he’s bailed before so I never count my orgasms until I am having them, hahaha!
I wake up around 7:00am when I see that he is typing on snapchat, I look at it & he says “I woke up hard thinking about fucking you today” fuck. He never says things like this… I lay in bed for a while before I go get the dirt for my lawn & come home. I want to be in gym gear for him today – I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s been a while since he saw me in it or because it’s what I feel good in these days. The morning seems to be taking forever, I unload half the dirt, chatting to him on & off over the day – mainly about not kissing (our usual little thing we say that we aren’t going to do but always end up doing! Such a dumb threat). Once it gets close to lunchtime, I go inside to relax a bit to cool down being he’ll finish work at 12:00 pm. But at 12:10 pm, I get a message saying he’s 5 mins away, FUCK so I sort the dogs out & wait to meet him.
I don’t hear him pull up, but I hear my door open & I go down the hallway to meet him & instantly stand on my tippy toes to kiss him. Fuck. Well that didn’t go well! I take him to my bedroom & I undress him, still fucking kissing him even though he’s laughing at me, I say fuck you & he grabs me tighter, kissing me more… I lean into the kiss & am kissing him back taking off his shirt & unbuckling his pants. I am kissing him more than I planned, so I turn him around & push him back on the bed, sucking his cock deep with just my mouth, his vocal about how good it is, when I open my eyes, I realise he is wearing something on his other wrist, usually he has the watch that I gave him that I got for free when I got a phone & on the other wrist, it looks like a fit bit. I don’t get a good look at but later I realise it’s like a leather band that he probably got for his birthday- from her but I don’t really know what it is. Later, I also notice a ring on his other hand, I guess it’s probably a Christmas or birthday present? It’s more like the type of wedding ring I would have expected him to wear if we got married. I put them both out of my mind.
I climb on him, as he kicks off his shoes & I ask if he is ok with me dry humping his cock in my gym pants – this has been my porn fetish, if you remember that I have been watching a lot of recently. I’ve shared this with him before too, so he says that it’s hot & he like me in gym pants. After I’m done dry humping him in pants, I take off my gym pants, he takes off my bra & I rub my panties over his cock so much so that I am close to cumming… But before I do, I pull my panties to the side & slip his dick inside me. I ride him & I am quickly building & he grabs my tits & I cum hard, so hard on his cock. I am panting & huffing, trying to gather my breath that I fall in a heap on his chest with his cock still inside me, him pumping his hips from below me.
He fucks me a little from underneath, pulling my panties up to make them rub on my clit – I find out later that he has a little pantie burn on his cock from them rubbing him. It’s not unusual for him to pull my panties up to use them as a method to torture my clit, I lean back & let him do it for a bit longer before I climb off to take off my panties & he goes down on me. He makes me cum then fucks me hard & quickly, he turns me over & fucks me from behind pulling my hair so tight before he fills my cunt with his cum.
Laying there afterwards, he tells me that he can’t stay long as they’ve left the kids home since they both went to work & being that he only works till 11:45am, but later he tells me he wrote till 2:00pm on the whiteboard so he could get to my house to fuck me. When I ask questions, I notice that he repeats everything I say after I say it, I’ve never noticed this as much as I did today. I wanted to ask about his eye/brain tumour, but I didn’t for some reason, probably because all the cum & air pushed up my vagina made a noise that sounded like a fart & I haven’t ever in all this time, farted in front of him with him knowing or hearing so I’ve been concentrating so hard on not letting the noise come out my vagina & not moving that I didn’t talk that much.
After he leaves, he texts me to tell me that it took him an hour to get home but it was worth it, I tell him that it’s lucky he wrote 2:00pm on the whiteboard! I don’t know why, but no matter when he messages me, particularly when he gets home, I catastrophise it & think that he is going to tell me that she knows & that she’s on the way to my house, which of course, those messages never come.
Thank fuck for that!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 