Marvel #37

11 March 2025 #7

Incoming morning Marvel rant!

“I could not fall asleep last night, I was up to at least 11.45. But I was thinking, you have never apologised before haha. When you have had weird dickhead moments. Interesting to know you have done it. You usually just distract me with sex when you are back to being nice to me 😛 It’s actually insane to think we have talked to each other for over 7 years… You looked so much younger 7 years ago ! But so did I probably 🤷‍♂️ I mean there has been breaks , there has been moments of sex text only…. but there has always been that bond and friendship that accidentally comes out every time I fucked you, in which we both let our guard down, either showing each other a little affection, or sharing little life updates, sometimes good or bad, I do wish I could of spent more time with you during the bad times when I could see you were struggling and down, especially during the times you struggled with your favourite job, or when your dad first had heart problems, even when you fucked your shoulder or when you got fired, you did tell me when you were struggling….and I should of been a better friend….. I regret putting that guard back up now as soon as the time limit after sex was done, and you put the guard back up… because during those brief moments clearly you were crying out for My friendship while your guard was down because you had just cum multiple times. Because clearly there was a friendship and love for me, and clearly you were trying to reach out for me for help, and in a way you did get it very briefly after sex and our guards were down…. kinda sneaky on your behalf… Fuck Marvel so I can enjoy his friendship and love for a brief moment hen he let’s his guard down and I let mine down 😛 But I should of been better, I should of reached out to you and checked in with you. I should of told you I still cared. I should of told you I still loved you. I’m sorry I didn’t 😕”

Ok, who are you & what the fuck have you done with Marvel?! I copy & paste his whole message because I want you to see how his mind works – I have no idea why he mentioned how we looked younger because we didn’t share photos or talk about looks really… But also I feel like he’s getting closer to cracking & telling me what’s going on!

I reply that I wish I would have told him what I felt, but I knew he would shut it down, he has a problem with empathy, he tells me that all the time, so there is no way that he was going to just say ‘oh #IBD4U, I feel the same way!’ so I could never say anything, he says he wouldn’t but I know that he would have pulled away & told me not to get too close. I say “The ball is always in your court. Even now, any day now you could just go back to messaging sporadically. And even if I messaged 45 time a a day, you wouldn’t read them for weeks. I never wanted to feel like a fool so I didn’t bother & while I could see love there, I didn’t know how much or even if you’d ever admit it again after everything we went through.”

One thing that strikes me is that he admits he’s known me for 7 years, almost 8. He tells me “Hahaha if I couldn’t connect it to my daughter it’s like 4 years in my head. I also can’t pretend it hasn’t been that long we have known each other… And I know you didn’t message me in fear of me not reading it for a week so you would only message me stuff that would not make you feel like an idiot. Which is sex. Which I oddly think is the one thing that never makes you feel like an idiot around men.” I tell him, “I was never going to say anything of significance in text with you jist for feeling like an idiot & you not replying or saying you can’t support me like you used too… Every chick (who’s into men!) wants a man to support her during shit times… You were my person & I wanted to tell you shit.” Didn’t he tell me when I first got fired during the second affair that he couldn’t support me like he had. Yes, yes he did!

He legitematly seems sorry – maybe for the first time ever “I’m sorry 😐. I’m legit have a shit sense of time … I don’t do it for any other reason. Time flies as you get older… But yeah. Even if I’m being dick. Even if I can’t get back to you straight away. You can reach out to me… I would of never completely shut you down … I’m way better at building walls than I realised 😐” but what he doesn’t realise is that, he may not have shut me down, he says later that he wouldn’t have ignored a plea for help, but reality is, that he wouldn’t log on for days, or weeks… It wasn’t about what he was going to say per se, it was about the distance he put between us by not logging on to see if I had messaged & how I would feel with a message perhaps saying ‘my dad had a heart attack’ sitting at unread for a week by the person I am in love with… How is that supportive or good for my mental health?! Why would he even think that I would write that to him. I mean fuck, but in affair one, if he knew I was going out to dinner he wouldn’t message me because he didn’t want to feel like a dick & I would fucking write back to every message within an hour at the most, he didn’t want to feel like a dick for one hour, imagine feeling like a dick for a week, while dealing with your recovering dad… We won’t agree on this because I don’t think he would have given me what I needed or even 10% of what I needed, even if I did tell him about the shit in my life.

He sends me a snap of a diary – it’s the second of April & it has two names on it, some chick & his, with N/A next to it. Awwww fuck he’s so cute. He’s booked the day off when I am off with my gum surgery. I say that I have never seen his handwriting, but he hates his writing & says it looks like an 8 year olds, that he prefers typing. Something that has always made me admire Marvel is his grammar & spelling (even though there are lots of spelling mistakes in the copy & pasted messages – they are usually autocorrect or snapchat not having predicative text & us typing too fast). He tells me that he’s a good typist & his son put typing as a goal for the year as it was something he admired about his dad… I almost want to say something bitchy because I bet his wife made fun of Marvel & probably thier son, for him wanting to touch type like his dad… I think it’s super fucking sweet that his kids look up to him!

My Spotify has been playing songs lately that I haven’t paid attention too, but even though I still don’t know what the fuck Marvel is doing right now with me, how long it’ll last with the sexless dates & all day messaging & I’m afraid to ask because I don’t know if I want to know the answer, but a song comes on my playlist Lifetime by Three Days Grace, I’ll post as always for you to listen too. I think it’s relevant to when I thought we had really lost each other the second time. I send to him & he says that Three Days Grace are a fav band & it comes up on his spotify but he’s not really listened to it before.

Three Days Grace  – Lifetime

Called to say hello
Your voice always takes the pain away
The thought is unimaginable
That I saw you for the last time and didn’t know

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Now, I’m walkin’ ’round in a haze
There’s no color, only darker shades of gray
You showed me the way when I was lost and alone
But you never really showed me how to let you go

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
Who do I talk to when I wanna talk to you?
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me
Feels like a bullet running through me
Never again
Never again
Will I look into the only eyes that knew me

You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for a lifetime
Have you for a lifetime
You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose
I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

I thought I’d have you for my lifetime
Have you for a lifetime

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Neil Sanderson / Ted Bruner / Barry Stock / Matthew Walst / Bradley Walst

Lifetime lyrics © Ted Bruner Songs, Mean Music Publishing Inc, Purple Planes Publishing, Riot Express Publishing, Baby Cats Music Inc

He says he’s going to come see me this week, but has to call the hospital about his eye, but he’s been asked to work in the morning now, so can’t call. I say that he doesn’t have to come see me if he has to call the hospital, I’ll delete the fake meeting out of my diary but he says “You don’t need to delete me. I said I would come see you, I did have a day off and still have Thursday off, only working the morning.” Maybe I need to start believing that his guy does want to see me & does want to see me for sexless dates… I am just waiting for the day he stops… It’s been about 2 weeks of this weird phase, so it’s going to come to an end soon, right? I need to be prepared for the day that happens… His life will go on like I never existed, but if I let my guard down here, even a little, I will be shattered when he goes back to not logging on for weeks on end…

Cute things he notices is that we are now Super BFF’s on snapchat – I did notice, it means you have been each other’s number one best friend, the one you talk to the most on snapchat for over 2 weeks. As much as Snapchat is the only social media I use since losing my Facebook, I don’t really use it for chatting, I use more for just cataloguing my life in pictures. So the fact he realises this but then asks me a question & says that I can’t get mad, which makes me laugh. He asks when my birthday is. I know he is shit with dates, so I am not annoyed, but it’s on my snapchat profile which he then gets pissed at himself for not realising. But he says that he just wants to remember when it is… Being that it’s about 5 months away, I think to myself that he won’t need a reminder, he probably won’t even be talking to me like this then, we’ll be back to monthly fucking & barely talking… I do tell him it’s a Friday though this year, so he won’t be able to see me, it surprises him that I know his patterns… I mean it’s not hard to figure out, every Friday he only talks to me in the morning & later at night or if he is at work… So not hard to pick up his pattern, same with the weekend she has off… I even say “If you’re still talking to me like this, I’ll remind you so you fuck me on the Thurs or sat…!! 😋” which he says “You make an assumption I won’t b” Its not an assumption, I’m almost certain of it… If this lasts longer than a month, I will be very surprised, he is notorious for putting in effort then losing interest… It’s only a matter of time.

I tell him I didn’t make eye contact with him much over the last 5 years, but why I made eye contact with him on Sunday was because I didn’t want him to see the love in my eyes & him pull away, he asks if I really think he’d do that & yes, I 100% do think that.. I say “You didn’t want to be close to me in case I met someone & I didn’t want to be close to you so you didn’t pull away or when your wife finds out, I am not the fool again.. So we’ve not been the smartest. Considering we know each other so well in other ways…” He tells me that big fear for him, “I was 100% sure if my wife left me or shit hit the fan. You would be in a relationship” but then he says “If you love something you set it free” & I say that’s a load of crap but he says he believes it… Well he’s never set me free? He keeps me dangling like a carrot waiting for a scrap of his time, so that when his wife does leave him, he can jump straight over to me, because what he doesn’t actually say is that his biggest fear is being alone.

He startles me by asking “Do you think we should of restarted this ? Our best friend online friendship? Sooner? From the start?” Um, do I think things would be this honest – let me tell you, we were always honest but this is different, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, it’s very different to the last almost 8 years. I never want to admit this but I say “Hmmm, sooner yes but not from the start… I’ll only ever say this once to you…. You were right to keep distance. Maybe not for 5 years but it was the right thing to do.” He asks why, which I knew he would, I say “I feel like I’m – what’s the word, maybe more mature (not old – don’t say it jerk!) that I’m able to see this clearer perhaps… I wouldn’t have been able to 5 years ago…” He asks how long I planned on doing this charade & I say forever as I’m not meeting anyone worth dating, he says that I’ll meet someone now that he’s making an effort… He may as well just have actual stabbed with a knife, just then, it would’ve hurt less… Hmmm we will see, I guess…

#IBD4U