Phoenix

13 March 2025 – Why? What? Where? How?

Oooooh intrigue! Who is Phoenix?!

Well it only seems fitting that at this point of the story, affair 3 or ‘A3v2.0’ as I’ve started referring to it as, that the pseudonym change for Noodle/Silverlining/Marvel to Phoenix. Buckle up readers, things are about to get juicy! (the name will be explained!)

“Haha but I probally need to confess…” Yes he better fucking confess before I lose my mind about why he’s being weird… There can only be three things that I can think of… He’s dying from this brain tumour or things aren’t good at home – she’s leaving, he’s leaving – but the marriage is breaking up & he’s setting up his backup plan with me by pulling me close but what I actually think the reason he’s being weird, is that he’s somehow found my blog – I fucking hope it’s the former because he’s going to hate me if it’s the latter!

He’s typing for ages & I can’t fucking stand it… When I see his message, I gasp out aloud, “I found your blog….” FUUUUCCCKKKK! “I googled your fantasy the other day you sent it to me, and it came up with your blog, and it made me realise alot of things and I mean alot of things to you…. it also made me not afraid to reach out to you and be honest with you…. so it was a good thing and it does verify alot of things, it also does poke alot of holes in things you don’t tell me or I shouldn’t know …..there are obviously things I hate in there , there are things that I tear myself down with to make me seem not special to you sexually, but it did make let me know you missed our friendship , and that you did always think about me during our down times. So I decided it was time to reconnect properly But worse of all, it made me miss you sooo much more. The good times are good to read about And I’ve been debating all week to tell you.” Hahaha, FUCK, I knew it!!! I even said to my sister the other day that I think he’s been reading it.

Now I have that confirmed. FUCK. What the fuck has he read & what the fuck did I write?! SHIT. FUCK. SHIT. Well he’s already said that there are things I didn’t tell him – which is true… I did that to stop him from hating me. I did that because I was an idiot.

Back at the end of February, on the day we fucked & he started being weird he had said to me “You have probably written stories indirectly or directly about me too 😜” FUCK, I knew then that he was reading, well I had a inkling that he was but fuck he told me the day he found it & I missed it!!!! So looking back on it now, the blog stats from the 24 February when he started this – or found my blog to 13 March when he confesses that he found it & it’s so fucking obvious, I feel so dumb for really not putting it together but I am so scared he’ll hate me for what I wrote about him & his wife!

He says that he’s read it all, fuck all 500+ posts, meaning he would read about all the fucking shit I’ve done & how I ended up really wrapped up in him, would he see how I got so wrapped up in him or is he still poking holes in my story & not believing that while he thinks he was special sexually – which he was & still is, the non-sexual things mean 1000000 x more than anything sexual with him. Like the Tuesday nights sitting in the car after we had epic sex & just chatting, him being the first person to ever tell me he loved me… More recently, holding hands while walking through a shopping centre. We just have very different points of view on what is special.

Anyway, he says “But if you were wondering why I would just randomly tell you about cowboys mistress, I obviously did that on purpose. I wanted to make you jealous because I got jealous.” Yeah I knew there had to be a reason – our relationship has always been tit for tat. Even though he fucking destroyed me by ending it & ghosting me the first time then coming back online & telling me all about his kinky wife, he got pissed at me for sharing on Facebook or Fetlife, yet he was directly telling me how kinky & amazing his wife was, so I knew there was some reason why he was trying to make me jealous when he talked about her.

He’s mostly pissed that I told other men about the blog but not him, he says the blog doesn’t make him hate me but makes him like me more… Honestly, I find that so odd, because I don’t know I would be ok with someone writing about my sex life, my family, my job & quoting me no less with copy & pasted quotes from our private chats, he says it makes him feel a bit sorry for me but made him not afraid to drop the wall with me… If I had of known that he would be ok with it, I would have told him as soon as I started posting… But I genuinely assume (& still wait for the day) that he hates me because of the blog.

He analyses me based on what he’s read “I mean you do make me sound like some sort of sex God🤷‍♂️. You are soooo fucked up. And based on your blog it just came down to bad luck. I also think you were looking for love in the wrong places after me. I do not believe you are unlovable, bad at relationships, even affection.” I hate the word desperate but I always say for lack of a better word, I was desperate, “I just think you have a terrible judge of character, and being so desperate for a relationship you let alot of red flags slip.” I mean there have been red flags with everyone, but someone once told me that red flags can turn pink, so yeah I do overlook a lot of shit. I mean look at how much I overlook with Phoenix – he brought his mentally unstable partner to my house, he blamed me for her STI… to name just a few things!

“Like I got insanely jealous when I learnt you had online brutal honest friendships… So I made sure I told you I had the same thing… I wanted you to be jealous. That was fuckin intentional. You obviously still use it a blog when you need to vent. There are some things in there that boosted my ego…but also some things that hurt it … I found it Sunday when you shared me the story, and had read most of it by Monday…. before I saw you, but you had sense sometimes had changed in me…….” Fuck he had read it when I saw him that weird day in February when he was really cuddley & hung around way longer than he usually does. Shit. It’s been almost three weeks since then so guess he’s not going to hate me because of it? I can relax? Though the friendships with J-Lo & Rob Rob are the ones that he’s pissed about… I get that. I understand how hard they would be to read, but they literally got a few posts each & were not brutally honest, I barely know anything about Rob Rob really & J-lo doesn’t joke a lot. Phoenix now has four fucking nicknames for fuck sake!

So I now have literally nothing left to hide from him. Any white lie I told him back in the beginning or even with Trainer, he now knows. The only part I still hide, is how much I want him in my life, properly in my life… I am getting better at not hiding that side of me, but I am still waiting for him to pull away again, so I trying not to just let myself give him all of me. I have tried to still make it about sex, when we chat, when we talk on the phone – something that’s been happening a bit more but I talk cheeky, when we meet for sexless dates – twice now, I made hin fuck me one of those times… I still need for it to be about sex because this man. While I don’t really think there is one only soul mate for each of us, I’m not sure I believe in ‘the one’, but I think this man is mine but I can’t let myself get to invested in this. He is going to pull back, he has a wife & kids, they aren’t going anywhere, I know it’ll be me hurt & dumped again when shit hits the fan…

The L word has never done us any favours in the past, in fact it’s probably what destroyed us because neither of us could give each other what we wanted, he wanted & needed for me to be more open, but I didn’t know how to be open & vulnerable. I needed him to be more communicative & obviously single. We couldn’t give each other a fraction of what we needed. We had love & passion, chemistry & friendship but it was never enough if we didn’t have all of the other one, plus it was mostly online. But I can’t be the open, vulnerable partner that he needs, not while our situation is like it is. It is impossible for me to let my guard down so completely, like he needs while I am in this situation. As it is, he’s just read my deep dark secrets & his response was to try to make me jealous, so that tells me that I need to hold back a little with him still, he is not ready for me yet.

He does say that he’ll never doubt my love for him again after reading it. It still annoys me when he says that he doesn’t feel special to me “I mean I was not expecting to find a detailed history of your entire sexual history, and tbh after reading it I will never feel special to you sexually because you gave alot of men things very easily that I thought would need a bit trust and thought I had earned that with time vs some of those stories. But I also couldn’t look away haha. But I don’t know… it made miss our online friendship too… But I didn’t hate it or hate you. Weirdly it made me ree. Reiz. Realize how much I loved you. Ans how much you loved me. Not sure why you would think i woil. Would hate you, anything in there to do with me I already knew.” But he knows that what I wrote he was never supposed to read so he believes how much I love him… I don’t need to keep reassuring him.

So the name change:

The first affair – Noodle – I didn’t even know that I was in love with him… I didn’t believe that someone who’d already picked out their baby mumma & soon to be wife, could actually love me – then he chose her & I felt like a fool.

The second affair – Silverlining – I felt like I had a second chance to really show this guy that I loved him, put all my effort in, not live with my biggest regret that I never told him enough that I loved him using the ♥️ emoji because I was scared during affair one. But even with my effort, he pulled away (because he was getting married) but I didn’t know why & felt like a fool, again with every step I took.

The third affair – Marvel – I made it just about sex. He was my sex toy, he wasn’t getting any feelings, any stimulation other than with his cock. Obviously, there were sometimes where I let my guard down a little, or after sex I told him something I wouldn’t ever tell him via text. He kept the distance by logging off & not talking to me, we caught up, fucked & went about our lives for five years…

But now, the third affair 2.0 – Phoenix has become a level of honesty that I didn’t know could exist. Phoenix tells me that because he read the blog, that he really missed me & realised a lot of things. However the thing we fight about most, is my blog. I thought he would hate me, it turns out he doesn’t, he does hate things I’ve done with other men – which is what we fight about mostly, but you know what, whatever I did while we were together or apart, is nothing compared to what he did to me & the shit he told me about him & his wife. He had a partner the entre time so if I fucked someone else & didn’t tell him, so what…

Phoenix is a new beginning & a cheeky nod to his real name – take of that what you will. I was going to call this new chapter his actual real name, but I think Phoenix suits the situation more than any other name… Marvel was the ash I settled for… Phoenix, is the fire I never thought I’d feel…

#IBD4U