20 & 21 March 2025 – McIBD4U Muffins
Today when he is seeing me, I am working from home. I am in a job that is psychotic with Microsoft Teams, like I feel like they get a notification if your status goes yellow with away or something, because that’s when someone calls you, just to make sure you’re working or something… He says that he skipped his break at work & took his kids to school so he will be at my house earlier. It’s raining so I move my car so he can park in the carport rather than in the side street & walk in the rain. I am on a call when he arrives, so he rocks up, parks in the carport & sits on the chair opposite my desk playing with his phone. Apparently, he has no problem playing with his phone around me, telling me he doesn’t use his phone at all around his wife… um, yeah ok!! What a load of fucking shit, wasn’t he messaging me while in bed with her the other night?!
When I get off the call, I open a word document & put a heavy candle on the keyboard so it is ’typing’ this stops my computer from going to sleep & Teams from thinking I am ‘away’ – TBH it’s my team that has a issue with being away, my boss doesn’t even work at the office half the time & has no idea what we even do, I haven’t had any issues with her asking where I am or what I am doing, I think the team have just set this precedence in their own, that they take exactly 30 minute breaks & not a minute over… I’m so used to working in jobs where you just make up the time later & don’t have to tell anyone, as long as your work is done. I hate this job!
I have decided to make McMuffins so we don’t have to go out, I probably don’t have that long anyway, so maybe going out isn’t that good of an idea, even though this is supposed to be sexless… I feel stupid though when I am making him lunch, he doesn’t get food cooked for him a lot & I don’t often do nice things for people like this so I am conscious of every move I make, cooking the eggs right, cooking the bacon right that I forget to toast the muffins which are a day or two old so need toasting as they were slightly stale, so when we are eating, or him literally taking three bites & its gone, I still haven’t even made a dent in mine… This is weird & I don’t think I told him this but when we’ve eaten together – which is only recent, I like that if I don’t eat it all, I offer it to him & he gobbles it up… I don’t know why but I fucking love watching him eat my leftovers – is that strange?! I don’t know why but I always make sure I leave a little bite or two for him, what is that all about?!
We end up fucking in the kitchen, all because I sit on the bench while he is standing near me. What a surprise, I am wearing a short t-shirt dress so this of course is just an open invitation for Phoenix to come up behind me, rubbing every single inch of me as I cook. He mainly sits & watch me, while constantly playing with his phone & talking to me. I do notice too that he gets up & looks in my fridge & cupboard a few times – this is very familiar behaviour, like no random boy is going through my fridge or cupboards. I never tell him but I fucking love that he is so familiar at my house now, it’s been eight years & he’s barely ever even gotten his own drink out of my fridge, let alone just had a look through my cupboards & my fridge like they were his own. It’s such a weird thing that I noticed & loved yet I never mention it. He says that they need a little chaos because they are in order. I think it’s this day, maybe another day but he moves stuff around, which becomes our little joke, I mean who doesn’t put all their cans of coke stacked together & his cans of Pepsi Max stacked together?! Who would mix them up?? OMG I hate to think! Hahaha.
We eat our homemade McMuffins & he mentions something about his car in the carport & not being able to find the roller door button to put the door down when he got here. So I head outside to put the door down, the whole purpose of him parking in the carport is so he can leave his car in my driveway & not somewhere in the street so the neighbour Ruby down the street could see, as I am reaching for the door button, putting it down, Phoenix comes up behind me & starts rubbing my sides, kissing my neck & I turn to kiss him, he pushes me back till I am against my car & he slips his fingers inside me, I close my eyes & he commands me to open my eyes & watch him finger me… FUCK, that is so fucking hot! Mr stern & commanding, it makes me open my eyes & watch, not able to look away. Once he’s finished fingering me, he quickly spins me around & bending me over the bonnet of my car. I tell him there is a camera up on the corner of my house, as he pulls my dress up & gets ready to fuck me bent over my car, he looks up at the camera, pointing at it & asking “it’s up there?” then he’s inside me pounding me from behind – I have no idea why but when I download the footage from my camera, as I do with all the cameras after he’s been to my house, turns me on just to watch him look at it & point at the camera right before fucking me! He asks later than night if I got a similar car to him because he had it, which I didn’t. It wasn’t even the car I wanted when I was looking for cars. But now I think of it, it’s kinda cute!
Later I tell him about a date idea I’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had anyone to do it with & if we’re going on dates, maybe we could do this. Have you ever heard of the Amazing Co picnic, they set up a hunt & gather type picnic & you get clues to go pick up the stuff for a picnic then you go to the final destination for the picnic. It’s not heaps expensive, but not cheap but I figure that since he is being Mr we’re-not-having-sex all day when I have my gum surgery so we could go out on a treasure hunt type date. He doesn’t say yes or no, so I hope that he secretly books it in for us. That would be super cute, but I won’t hold my breath. I mean probably dumb since I’m not sure if I’ll be able to eat. To be honest, I won’t hold my breath for an actual day date after my surgery at all. If I do see him for any length of time, we will end up staying in bed all day, I’m almost certain of it!
He talks about my McMuffins, that I didn’t toast the actual muffins, which they were a little stale so he says that it’s lucky I made the eggs runny or it would have been worse. I tell him how nervous I am to cook food for him, but I want to do it. I tell him that it’s the little things that make me nervous, the sex doesn’t because I’ve been naked with him hundreds of times… But being house wifey is not something I am used too with him or anyone, even Boyfriend. He says “You did fine today 🙂 I think it’s pretty cute you want to make food for me.” I do it because I want too, but also because I know he does all the cooking, I know he likes cooking & he works less hours but he always was the chef at home, I suspect even when she was on maternity leave, he came home from work & cooked dinner, so I say that I know he doesn’t get food cooked for him. “Haha no I don’t, well I haven’t in a long time … I know you don’t, that’s why it means something to me.” It means something to me too, I haven’t ever really done this before, even with Boyfriend, I don’t remember us cooking together like this, in the same room, usually he was in the lounge room, “And cos you don’t get anything cooked for you, I want to cook for you. Don’t they say, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” & then he says something to make me swoon & blush, “Well that is true haha .. But you had my heart a long time ago.” Awwww FUCK!
We are together way longer than we should be, I should be working but I don’t want him to go that I push him on the couch & sit on his lap, straddling him, just kissing, hugging & talking. We have fucked so many times, in the kitchen, in my bed & over my car. He’s called me beautiful & you can see on the camera when he did it, even though there’s no sound & how much he made me blush.
He tries to give me advice about not fucking men for a few months because you can’t connect with anyone by fucking them right away. When he gives me dating advice, I’m reminded that this guy, while saying he’s dating me, loves me, wants to spend time with me, really isn’t anything other than a fuck buddy, no matter how much he’s trying to make this more, can it really be more if he’s married & giving me dating advice? But then he tells me how much he misses hugging me. Fuck I missed hugging him too!
The next day, he’s reading my blog again, I am still waiting for him to find something in it that he realise he’ll hate me for.. But he says “But the more I read you blog, I still don’t hate you 🤷♂️ While reading it this morning… I actually think to myself as a reader not believing what you are writing…haha. Sometimes some of the stories seem like fiction or made up. But I know they are true because I did it haha.” He also mentions that he didn’t know it was being documented, but he could see how some people might think that he did know & that’s why he was putting on such a persona & why things we did were right out of fiction novels or porn movies. Everything we did had nothing to do with my journal or writing.
It’s so interesting hearing what he thinks about what a wrote but he says it’s pretty accurate & I never really say anything bad about him or that he doesn’t think about himself. I mean I feel like I say some pretty bitchy shit about his wife, someone he claims to love & I say shit about him too. He reckons I sometimes even spin his flaws into a positive, I guess that was always me trying to justify his actions in my own head, over analysing everything he did because of how he is. But I just know that he’s going to get pissed off again & so I threaten to unpublish it.
He says that he finds some of the stories with other men hot “Like I found the story about sweeties husband fingering you in the cinema hot. I found the story of you fuckin Rob Rob in the public toilet hot 🤷♂️ (men are weird and don’t view public toilet as gross as women ).” I mean Sweetie’s husband was before him & Rob Rob was after Phoenix broke my heart & when he kept popping up online to tell me about his kinky open marriage sex. “I wish I got to fuck you in a public toilet first 🤷♂️. But you did redeem your story but thinking about me in that one. But you wonder why I will never feel special to you sexually. It’s those stories. But i won’t deny I found some of them hot.” Why does he need to feel special sexually?! He is literally the most special person in my life since I met him, even when we weren’t talking & not all things have to do with sex – that’s just a bonus to me. Is he the one who puts sex on a pedestal, not me? The ‘relationship’ stuff, the going through my fridge & cupboards, making lunch together, it 10 000 times more special to me & I wish I said it, but because he’s had all that shit with someone else & married her, that our relationship will never be special to him… The things we hold dearly are not the things the other holds as dearly & that’s ok.
He got the best of me – the absolute best of me, I tell him this but he won’t let it go, “I never got an offer of public toilet sex … and it was something I had fantastied about and could of happen at any stage during our sexual encounters.” Well how was I supposed to fucking know that?! I gave him everything he wanted, he never really asked for anything, besides the threesome, but I would have given him anything he asked for or mentioned. He never told me he wanted public toilet sex! I remember talking about public toilet sex when I started a new job which was a year into affair 3 & I remember even googling the toilet to show him which one we could meet in & he could say he’d gone to the shopping centre as it’s a big one close to work so I wouldn’t be away for too long. He never seemed keen on the idea so I didn’t push it. “You got to do it with other partnered man that you had the same with me instead that I thought was special with us 🤷♂️.” God he’s a fucking dick! He says that he’s pissed off more now that I knew he wanted it… Um… No that’s not how this went down, I was the one who offered it up as a idea on how we could meet with me not sure if I could get far away from work & didn’t know if he would come to my house back then so I offered up the public toilet. I didn’t know it was his fantasy & then went & did it with someone else like he did with the threesome… He’s a fucking dickhead.
He sends me a pic of his kids & how big they are, he is online a lot more than he should be being it’s her day off, messaging me all day & sending me a pic to keep our snapchat streak, he tells me that his son might end up at the same high school as my nephew who is only one year above him… Oh fuck, won’t that be hilarious if the kids became friends! Luckily he tells me later that his son didn’t get into that school & is going to another high school… Can you imagine if Phoenix & his wife were at the same school event as my sister. I’m told my sister looks a lot like me, so I wonder what his wife would do if she saw her?
Even though he said he read my blog, I find out that he actually didn’t read it all. He didn’t read the first break up & now he’s rehashing it by reading it again. He skipped over parts that were hard to read & he didn’t really read much of others. He says it’s super interesting, especially reading it in diary format as it’s obvious that I didn’t know I was falling for him, which is true, I didn’t know what I was feeling. He says “I spent my entire brothers wedding literally thinking about wanting you to be my partner … had a huge fight with my wife… planning in my head a life with you … And you hadn’t even admitted to yourself you loved me. And was still struggling to admit you even had feelings with me. Despite my contant hints that I was giving off. Pretty funny really.” & yet because he was so scared of being alone, he stayed with her rather than taking a chance on me & finds it in himself to make things right with her… But instead pushed me away till I was ready to walk but then his wife found my undies anyway. I couldn’t admit I had feelings because I didn’t even know but I also was fucking a man with a pregnant partner… He says he was hinting so much, but he wasn’t as obvious as he thinks he was – I literally did not know he loved me until he said the words & even then I questioned if it was a line to keep me coming back. As if he could love me. I wish things were different or we could have been more honest, but I’m pretty sure he would have pushed me away as he did no matter what, he says it might have been different, but I doubt it. If I had of shown any vulnerability first – just like now, it would have pushed him away. He thinks he isn’t good enough for me & is so scared to be alone, that he will always choose her over me, even if he says it’s because of their kids, it’s really not..
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 