Phoenix #9

22 March 2025 – Public Toilet Sex

He talks about me ‘not letting the month lapse’ & he finds it weird that even when things were progressing with the Electrician M8 or other men that I wouldn’t have just let one month with Phoenix lapse. But I think because he reads one or two blog posts about them that it means it went for a significant amount of time, or were consistent… Just think about this – this man has four nicknames on my blog. 60 Posts under Noodle, 39 posts under Silverlining, ironically 39 under Marvel & now we’re up to 9 of Phoenix & we’re just getting started! It’s been almost eight years since I met this man online. The longest thing I have ever had with anyone. Why would I give that up so quickly for a dude who doesn’t even message me after they fucked me?! “If you were not trying… enticing me, sexting me, showing me availabilities.. You would got it way less. You were leading this Shitty affair I gave you this time. For some strange you reason you tried to make it work.” Is he being funny?! I led this??? I didn’t lead this at all, I pushed hard to see him at the start but he dictated when & where, including when we would chat. I couldn’t reach out to him when he’d logged off for weeks. I was available more than he talked to me, days that would be better with work but he’d be logged off so I would have to make it work when he did come back online to meet up. I wouldn’t say at all that I was the one leading this!

He tells me that he hasn’t had an online friendship with anyone else online in about three years, oddly about the same time as it was that I last had sex with M8. “I did have a married woman become good friends me with from the anon app about 3 years ago, it lasted about 6 months but I ended it before and feelings happened, I learned my lesson with you haha. And she was south too.” Honestly, does he purposely say this shit to piss me off, or is he just trying to play tit for that that he another friendship online. I don’t deny I had other friendships with partnered men that he seems to think are a bigger deal than they were, but I never once said I ended anything with anyone because I felt like I was getting feelings for them… He was online chatting to someone else & falling for them, while I was still in the picture. I ask if he had feelings for this woman & he says “Not quite but got close.” Fuck, he’ll just fall in love with anyone… He goes on & on about him not being special sexually to me but he’s so desperate for attention that he’ll fall in love with anyone online, I am not as special as I thought. His love isn’t as special as I have made it to be… That’s now two women he’s mentioned. Is he just trying to get back at me because he thinks the friendships I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob were more than what they really were? Ask both men, they will tell you that I mainly talked about Phoenix, asking advice mostly & when I did write that I thought I could see myself with either if they were single, I wrote that after Noodle had broken my fucking heart by choosing someone else! “I had one long term friendship that was it , and I only told you just then to make you jealous 🤷‍♂️” Well it fucking works.

I don’t even remember what our snap streak is at this point, maybe 14 or something but he says it’s the longest has ever had. I haven’t had one over two days & he doesn’t believe me but tells me that he has had one up to seven days with someone. I am so angry, “And I supposed you’ve had a super BFF before the too… And what fucks me off more, is that you were on snap, everyday snapping someone else & leaving my message unread…. Fuck you. Prick. Next time I am gonna crumb my shit & fry it for your lunch…!” I am so annoyed, three years ago while chatting to this woman & other women, getting snap fucking streaks with them, he was logging on to snapchat every day & I was looking at it waiting for him to message me. HE WAS ONLINE EVERYDAY!! Choosing not to look at my message, my story or send me one message. He rubs it in my face “Oh yeah baby i can have long term online friendships too.” What a fucking prick. “I just feel like a cockhead sitting around thinking, Phoenix must be having the best sex with his wife, which is why he’s not messaging me… And all the while you’re sending dick pics to someone else & pretending not to check snap…  And getting feelings for her…. So yeah, you cannot be pissed about rob rob or Jlo ever again.” Get fucked wanker. I am not taking shit for J-Lo or Rob Rob ever again, even if he does look for quotes as he keeps threatening. He’s made up his mind, I can’t even be bothered arguing with him about it now. I am done defending myself. “You got nothing to defend yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong  I’m just jealous he got to do a fantasy I wanted to do with you that you gave me negative vibes about he, he obviously was more direct than me and you gave him what he wanted that was something I always wanted 🤷‍♂️ That’s my problem not yours. You have no fucking idea how angry it makes me though sometimes. I really really struggled with it at your house the other day. So have fun with that one when the anger takes over my mind … hahs. And yet here I am still not hating you, still fuckin love you like the retard I am 🤷‍♂️  One day you will let me push you away.” But I stupidly keep trying, “I have no idea when you ever asks for it & why I would’ve give negative vibes. I have fucked you at a train station, in a car wash, in your work, in the car, in your fucking bed… I find it hard to believe I would have had a problem with it.” I just don’t remember it the same way. Why would I have said no if I had fucked him every where & for the record, he never asked to fuck me at the car wash or the train station, I asked for that, in fact Phoenix has never really asked for anything besides the threesome, which I gave him & he gave the one I wanted to his wife who was super kinky for five whole minutes – crying after fucking other men… Yeah whatever!

He’s being such a wanker about the public toilet, I ask if he’s working & send a screenshot of where the public toilets are around his house when he says he isn’t working. But he says it doesn’t matter anymore, that Rob Rob got what he wanted & it no longer interests him. “It’s the only thing I have hated.. I hinted I wanted something, you said it didn’t interest you.. And then did it very quickly with another guy that you have the sams dynamic with. Every thing else made me love you more. I was totally ignored. And someone else wasn’t.. For something I wanted.” Either I am not a good writer or he is just a fuck wit because if I don’t convey how torn I was, how heart broken I was during the public toilet incident with Rob Rob, that the only way I was ever going to cum was Rob Rob saying shit about Phoenix. I fucking hate him right now, “You’re being such a wanker & I just want to strangle you. I did something so nice & that I’ve never done before, felt like a bit of a twat really being myself, with the napkin & s&p – but all you’ve done all afternoon is pick a fight. I don’t even know what to say, but I’m sorry I wasn’t a virgin when I met you or turned back into a virgin after we ended.” I ask him what is truly wrong? Why is he picking a fight with me when he can clearly see that I fucked him in a toilet after we broke up, he fucked another guy with wife after we broke up & it was so fucking clear that was my number one fantasy & still is. I didn’t even know what he wanted a toilet fantasy. He even admits he didn’t push me on it. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even remember him ever asking for anything at all, let alone public toilet sex!

I tell him I should have fucked him today to put him in a better mood but he says that it wouldn’t have made a difference, “Doesn’t matter what I want. Never did.” Oh god, this is a very different petulant teenage side of him I’ve never see before. Not like this. I wish he could see what is more important to me & what should be more important to him especially since he is the one pushing this new normal of our friendship, “The special stuff to me, is heating your lunch & wrapping it in a tea towel so it stays warm but putting a ice pack in another bag for your Pepsi so that’s cold & your lunch was warm.. Yeah when we sat on the bench, I put my legs over your legs…” Maybe he is starting to soften? “You have no idea how much I appreciated that. And loved that you did for me.”

Finally out of this mood, he says “I think we should go to Victor on the day off you have for your gums, I think it would be nice to go for a drive, they have nice beaches and icecream , I mean it’s not the most exciting place but you can’t eat anything so yeah.” & I ask him if he’s ever heard of geocaching. Apparently the first rule of geocaching is that you don’t talk about it but I’m probably sure that I have talked about it before but basically it’s using multi million dollar satellites that are for GPS, to locate Tupperware in the bushes! When I tell him about it, I tell him that it’s super geeky & remind him that I am not the amazing cool chick that he thinks I am. He even says that it’s beyond his dork levels. & it makes me think that maybe if I told him about this geeky side of me, having found over 300 while away on work trips & overseas, that he wouldn’t have put me on such a cool pedestal & thought I was too good for him? I ask him if he still loves me as a joke of course, “Na makes me love you more. I like the idea of seeing your dorky side. Every guy gets to see your sex side🤷‍♂️” Of course Phoenix finds a way to make it cooler than it is, saying that’s for people with 4WD’s & he’s not into cars, saying that he’s still the bigger geek. Or I think the word of our day was dork, I forget why but he said something at lunch about dorks & made me laugh. He says that we can’t have sex on this date but we can geocache, we go back & forth for ages me saying no & him saying yes until he says, “I loved today. I want more of it.” & the more he says shit like that to me, the more I want it too…

I mean I know I said that my heart will get involved if we keep having these sexless dates, but I am deluded if I am still telling myself that it’s not involved. I’ve changed his name to Phoenix for fuck sake because Marvel has too many bad memories. I talked about Phoenix rising from the ashes of the painful memories of Marvel. So if I am not involved here, my walls aren’t down, my heart open fully, then I am not at all being honest with myself. Not even a little bit. If today, taking napkins for pasta for our picnic at the beach, didn’t prove to myself that I am fuckidy-fuck-fuck-fucked, then nothing will…

#IBD4U