Phoenix #10

23 March 2025 – Awkward?

I can never get in first – it’s always well before 5:00am, I wake up early to chat to him but definitely never that early. I have shown him my super geeky side… “I go to sleep and wake up with only thoughts of you.  Your the last thing on my mind when I snuggle down to sleep & the first thought when I wake up… Also just want to make sure you still love me now you know I’m not cool & just a dork… Though not as dorky to add cable ties to my helmet…” He says “And you wonder why I kept distance… Why I chatted to others, “ I guess I just never thought he was chatting to others while looking at the message I’d sent him a week ago & didn’t click on it. “And ignored you. Because this happens. Every single fuck time. But it doesn’t just happen to you. It happens to me!” I tell him that he is still the first & the last thing on my mind even when he was keeping his distance, not that he’ll believe that!

Then Phoenix calls me, without warning – not like him. It’s a Sunday, obviously his wife’s weekend on, since we caught up yesterday afternoon in person. It’s very early in the morning, but we talk for 2.5 hours! How the fuck do we have so much to say? I fucking love the voice calls with him. I can’t remember ever having 2.5 hours phone calls with a boy ever or a girl friend either for that matter… Not that he’ll believe that either so I don’t even bother telling him that either.

For his Facebook page he has a persistent fan who’s wanting to do a podcast so he’s meeting with the dude to work out the details. I have to admit I am jealous. I have wanted to do an #IBD4U podcast for a while. I came close with Daisy, but it was always me pushing for it, not to other participants. So it never happened as you all know. But I think Phoenix should do this. I am his number one supporter & can’t wait to listen to it. I’m sure his wife feels the same! BAHAHAHA. I do ask about the format & how it would work which Phoenix has no clue what the guy is planning or what he’s thinking but when he goes off for the video meeting & returns telling me it was a chick, he’s now all of a sudden more interested in doing it! What a fucking surprise, you stupid wanker.

When he mentions that there was a small part of him that thought that after five years of not talking normally with me, that it might be awkward & he was scared it would be weird. “Our conversation was still natural, still had a connection, no awkwardness. Like we had stopped chatting 7 days ago. I was scared it wasn’t going to be like that.. Have you not been friends with someone epecially online where have gone back a month later and it isn’t same ?” Ironically, I am more scared of this dynamic than I am of it being awkward with Phoenix. We won’t ever be awkward, even if we don’t speak for months or years… I knew that if he let his guard down at anytime that I would not be able to resist him. I want to resist & honestly, I felt like I was holding back when I was living it, but reading back on the conversation now, I was fucking kidding myself. My walls were so far down, there wasn’t even a retaining wall, hell there wasn’t even a brick!

I say “I definitely feel more connected & more honest with you though & definitely don’t love what we’ve been through or what we’ve done to each other, but it’s sorta needed to happen to get us to a point we can be like this, especially considering our similar personality traits.” He says that I often shared, but I did pull back about telling him about guys I was fucking or dating, um that’s cos there were none! The last guy I fucked was M8 & the last guy I went on a date with was just a walk on the beach, nothing to write home about & nothing to bother jeopardising the good sex I have with him over. “I mean your blog proves that but I refuse to believe that hahs.” He never believes me, but at least he’s read my blog now & knows that I was posting everything on there… I stopped posting because there was only Marvel to write about, as you read, I barely had anything for 2024 about him… Now he’s Phoenix, there is so much to say!

One thing he brings up often & hindsight is a wonderful things as I reflect on what we talked about because he brings up J-Lo & Rob Rob often saying there were in similar situations to him, that I had connections with them, I never denied that, he says that I had backups but “I had none but anyway moving along.” I never had backups. Does Phoenix not realise we’ve broken up completely twice & neither time did I get into anything at all like I had with Phoenix with ether of them, they were friends, that’s it… Phoenix also forgets that he rubbed in my face about Cowboys mistress & some other women he stopped chatting too when he started getting feelings, all the while he has a wife & is stringing me along. So I am not even sure why he thinks what I had with J-Lo & Rob Rob is any different to what he had with those two women & his wife. I only knew about about his wife.

He asks if I was ever going to ask him if he was reading my blog when I was so sure that he was. I was fairly sure but I also wasn’t, so I didn’t want to bring it up & push him away or him say no, then go looking for it, read it & hate me as I expected him too. I didn’t want him to read it. I never expected him to read it. I send me a long winded message “You’ll have something to say about this I’m sure… I had stopped sleeping with others – as I’ve said, I did chat but nothing sexy I won’t deny chatting & obviously I went on dates… But in the last few years, maybe just the last year, I have felt more with you & you’d see that if I posted the drafts I have of you on word… I felt like you were still only chatting like fortnightly but when we were together I felt something more from you. I felt like I was getting a little of what we had back. I always loved you, obviously but the level of how much was less & in the last year or so I have realised I was again denying that I loved you still… So I didn’t want to push it with you & I knew I shouldn’t love you that way again, especially when you didn’t feel the same…So I kept up my miss tough exterior.” I don’t know if he is trying to be funny or he’s just showing me that he is still Marvel deep down but his reply comes as I am sending my next reply, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent it “You only stopped sleeping with others because you have the 3rd highest body count in Adelaide, and you didn’t want to enter the Guiness book of records.” FUCK YOU. My message is sent at the same time I read that, “Now I know you did feel the same way, I wish I told you, cos I hate that you don’t know. It was my biggest regret not telling you how much I loved & adored you..” So I add, “Actual fuck you.” He says that he was laughing as he typed that out & I know his shitty sense of humour but the thing is, that all the men I’ve slept with & he’s the only one that has gotten under my skin & I can’t get rid of, that I don’t want to get rid of, I don’t want to stop talking too… He’s the only one that became my best friend, something he will never understand means more to me than anyone that I’ve fucked or any other guys I had a friendship with. They were not my everything, Phoenix was & fucking clearly still is!

“You sick of me yet after 4 weeks?” I’m sick of him with this poor self esteem & despite reading my blog which is my private (but publicly published journal) & what it proves, since he apparently picks apart the timelines. I say, “4 weeks? Try like 8 years.. Are you sick of me yet?” I know he’s not because he’s the one that started this “Clearly not. As I want more from than you than stupid sex. And I love learning all the new shit about you that isn’t sexual even after 8 years🤷‍♂️ And want more…” Fuck… I do love too that I am learning more about him too, I also feel like I can be more honest with him about everything. I guess that’s what happens when two people know each other so well but also because of the situation, held things back so much that destroyed both of them. I send him a meme that I have made todays heart, I find this so funny that we are so similar that we can call each other out on so many things, but not when it comes to our feelings.

This is when he tells me that his wife is on Ozempic. Oh fucking great. I am here telling him about how fucking huge I feel & she’s recently started taking a weight loss drug, while I work out like a crazy person & still never lose weight. in fact I’ve been putting on weight at the speed of light. 13kgs since I’ve been in this awful job. He tells me that I am much sexier & my tummy is flatter, that she doesn’t look after herself at all. I mean that is not as reassuring as he thinks it is, she is going to get skinny just by injecting herself & I am just going to be fat forever. I send him a picture of my lumpy hips & he says that I have lost weight in the last few months – which ironically isn’t true from the scales. He tries to get me to promise to him that I won’t look at the scales for three months, but I won’t make that promise to him. I send a series of pictures to him of my new lingerie that is basically like Lycra & very obvious from the wet patch that my cunt is very wet, I send him a video of me cumming because these panties feel so soft & silky, he goes outside to watch the video so he can hear me cum without his kids hearing too.

#IBD4U