Phoenix #11

24 March 2025 – Anniversary

Today is our eight year anniversary of when we met on the chat app, of when we started talking online. Can you believe it, EIGHT fucking years! You don’t know this about me but eight is my number, so the fact that it’s this number when Phoenix has decided to come out the woodworks & open up this dialogue, means something & EIGHT is going to be lucky for us! 🎱

He doesn’t say it, fucking asshat! I know because he’s being a dick so I decide not to hold back, I’ve never celebrated an anniversary before. “🖤 Happy anniversary Phoenix! 🖤” He asks if I was excited to say that to him, I say that I was waiting for him to say it to me, “Happy Anniversary #IBD4U 🙂”  I mean don’t go all out or anything Phoenix… Fuck wit, I remind him “Not all of us have had 8 year or even 4+ anniversaries… So… Don’t make me feel special.” I mean I don’t think he is capable of making me feel special, ever. He has made me feel special sexually but the stubborn ass can’t even say happy anniversary to me. “I think I changed your life on this day. You met someone that could love you and did love you” Well fuck. Maybe he can?!

Today of all days, he reads about our first break up. So what I understand is that he has only read bits & pieces of the blog, so he didn’t read it in its entirety & he didn’t read about our breakup because it was too much for him. So it makes more sense that he read all the shit I did post break up, fucking everything & anyone when he came back online in an open relationship. He forgets I didn’t fuck anyone for months prior to him coming back online with matching user names saying he was open & telling me all about it. I had basically lost 10 kgs & hadn’t even talked to another man & he thought I had moved on. He says “I questioned if you even loved me … the way I did. There is so much I got wrong , or refused to believe about you even in emails you sent.” I poured my heart out in those emails, as a stupid last ditch effort to hold onto our friendship, to try to show him, to little to late that I did love him so much. Turns out no matter what I wrote wasn’t going to change anything, he didn’t believe me & even now, only after reading my blog he believes me but still picks apart everything to suit his own made up story & his shitty self esteem of what he thinks he or I deserve.

“In my mind I was the one that fell in love … and you just kinda of went along with it, there is no way you loved me if you could just fuck others so easily. Like I knew you loved me. But I didn’t think it was deep. I didn’t think it would even affect you for one day…” How could he think I fucked others so easily, I didn’t have sex with anyone for months after we ended the first time. “And in my mind you had your wife & family & I was just a used mistress… 🤷🏼‍♀️ And you cut me out so easily that’s what I believed.” I don’t think we’ll ever agree, he’s made up his mind I was fucking people the next day after he shattered my heart.

“If you go back and read your blog… I’m the one that makes all the effort with feelings  And love. Which I knew. I’m the one that would push the convos. Or admit it first. You told me you don’t catch feelings… There was a part of me that bo. Believed it right to the end.” You know what, I don’t need to go back & read it, I know what my biggest regret was, I tried to rectify it in affair two but he was too busy flirting publicly with someone in the chat groups to notice, knowing he was getting married so keeping me at a distance so when I backed off, he had Cowboys mistress to take my place. In fact she was lined up to be along side me, so there wasn’t a place to take, I didn’t have a place, he even said that second affair was fair game… That’s not at all what I thought during that time. He never thought I would put myself first & end it.

He says, “I don’t understand why you didn’t think I felt the same way? I was the one always putting convo, and the risk of looking vulnerable on the line… Why would an idiot do that if he wasn’t madly fuckin in love with you. Especially someone like me. Also I had never read the words of periscope in text format until this week, just always listened to as a song but did relate to the lyrics and all it did was make me think of you… But My God itt is fucked just reading it in text format….” He forgets that he was engaged, got her pregnant, was spending money on the house & furniture, going on trips, that I say, “You were never making any attempts to separate yourself from that. You were also a master liar. And regardless of why you made your decisions, eveything you did, excluded me. So how could you possibly love me the same??” Our circumstances were our biggest downfall…“It boggles my mind I even shared periscope with you. That was all situational but either way. As if I sent you that song haha. It killed me loving you from afar… And I wanted you to know. I obviously also could of lied about telling you we had a future, drop little seeds that I wanted us together , to live with other and all that” Situational? Really… He chose what he chose. She got pregnant after he met me & if he really had feelings for me before he met me, then he wouldn’t have got her pregnant… Men fake it all the time or use the pull out method… & as he got deeper into this with me, he could have left, when she found out, he had a choice to leave & didn’t, saying he chose his kids but he ultimately chose her & chose to continue to destroy me when they became open, rubbing it in my face trying to get me to move on & hate him, but all he achieved was destroying what little self-esteem I had.

Why is he having this conversation with me today, I am at work, I am not going to be able to see him today. “I don’t know if I write about it but I just literally pictured toy having family time & never thinking about me. Never worrying about my feelings – which keys face it sometimes you didn’t & would treat me like shit so I just did what I needed to in my mind.” He says that he struggled with it, his life did go on but he thought about me all the time. But how am I supposed to know that? He was open about his feelings, yes I agree, he was the first one to bring them up all the time, but for all I knew that could have been in the cheating man manual to keep the mistress. Just as he didn’t believe my feelings for him were as deep as his were, I didn’t believe that he even gave a fuck about me when he logged off, especially because he logged off mid-sentence sometimes, not coming back online till the next day making me feel like a fool for sitting up waiting while he’s off having sex with his wife.

He tells me that he thinks he fucked me up for anything in the future, I know he did but interesting that he can see it now after reading my experiences post break up one with him, “Hence why I think I fucked you up. If you didn’t know what kinda of chemistry you were looking for after me. Would it have affected your dating life *. Because you thought about me alot…you thought about me everytime you met someone, everytime you fucked someone , you thought about when I cut you out, you thought about me when I didn’t chat to you for over 12 months, you thought about me even if I only saw you for sex once a month… I never left your thoughts.. I’m not sure that was a good thing for you… It’s a good thing for me to see when I stumble across your blog 8 yesds later while I’m mostly ignoring you haha!” Of course it’s good for him! I wish I could read his written inner most thoughts about me.

One thing that really upsets me about today, not just this conversation that we seem to keep having, over & over, but he’s got today off, he has been so persistent about meeting me for lunches at work – as much as possible were his words & Phoenix is at the shops near my house, sending me a snap of his lunch at his favourite place. Why didn’t he make the effort to drive an extra 20 minutes to come to my work to see me for lunch for our anniversary. I get he can’t see me all the time, but if he had the day off, wouldn’t he have wanted to see me today? It’s actually really disappointing to think that he didn’t make the effort. Then he says “I just triggered the cameras for your bikie fortress.” WHAT? So I have about nine cameras that go off all day long, especially with the dogs, so I never look at the notifications, which kind of defeats the purpose of them really, so I have no clue what he is on about… But of course I look because he’s obviously been to my house. Again, I am a little disappointed because why didn’t he want to physically see me today. When I tell him that I get so many notifications & never look at them he says that he wishes he knew that before he said anything. I watch the cameras, I see that he pulled up in my driveway, gets out of the car with some flowers, a small modest bunch, servo/supermarket type flowers but flowers none the less, he leaves them at my front door & leaves. How fucking cute… I fucking love that he has done this & my sadness for him not seeing me at work fades a little, but I do wish he had of seen me rather than buy me flowers.

But because Phoenix makes a joke about the toy that Max left in my letterbox years ago, that he just did the same, we end up in a fight about his wife stalking me & knowing my real name. Well she apparently thinks that my middle name which is my name on Facebook is my real last name so she doesn’t know my real last name, still to this very day according to him, but he blocked me on her account – which if he did, then how did she see that Papa Roach post?! Hmmm, shit doesn’t add up when I write about it… He says he did try to protect me & I pose the question to him, does anyone I know knows where he lives? Which only my sister knows where to find the information but she doesn’t know where he lives, he says “Well. That one was awkward because my stuff was at your house .. And she obviously didn’t trust me to see you alone … I asked to have two relationships and continue with both of them at hospital which didn’t go down well.. I know that hurt you alot though…” I still will never see his side of this, EVER. He could have gotten his shit back any other way than bringing a mentally ill scorned partner to my home! & I doubt he asked her to have two relationships, she said no & was totally fine with it, becoming all kinky & open. “And she obviously knew I was ready to leave her. I didn’t let her in your house. I asked her not to ever do anything and she agreed and she never did. It makes her feel sick if she does down your street. She wouldn’t go get her beauty stuff alone unless I drove her. Because she couldn’t drive on your street.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! He brought her to my street for her fucking beauty treatments after the end of the affair?! While I was distraught & a shell of a human, he is sitting two houses down from my house in his car, while she gets her lashes done! He says “yep” & I say “Oh, yeah get fucked… Honestly.” I put my phone down, I am beyond angry! I don’t give a fuck if he’s just delivered flowers to my house.

“Yep. Her business was on your street. She did it from her house. So we would have to go to your street for her beauty treatments. This is obviously when she knew where you lived … And I think I was fucking you again 😐. So that was always a fun trip ! Her house was towards the bottom of your street. Once we got married she moved stores and lost touch with her. So she hasn’t been in a long time. And obviously I lost my job so not much money. Adelaide is small… But I still have no idea how the woman knew some of your sex life. Or why she told my wife. There must of been some kind of mutual friend or customer that saw both of you or read your blog. I obviously had no idea about your blog … so my guess what sweetie at the time … but I believe you let alot of your friends read your blog … And being on the same street you came up in convos…. mind you my wife has told every friend I cheated on her. Including new ones she has made such her current bf. I thought you knew she did her business on your street?” I am so fucking angry. No woman I know is going to two beauty people two houses apart, any of my clients would have told me & they would have 100% not talked about me & my sex life, I did not go into detail with clients at that time. Furthermore – (Yes I am in angry lawyer tone mode), to be clear, he wasn’t fucking me again at that point & I certainly wasn’t posting on my blog at that time either. I finally reply that they were obviously having a good old laugh while they drove to my house, but he says “that is not how it happened….. every time was a very awkward rive, with her almost throwing up, very little words spoken…. very awkward each time … no laughing at all….. it is not how you think… we had never had a conversation or laugh at your expensive…. FYI……. sooo umm I read through the break ups…. I’m still not sure why I am meant to hate you???”

I am leaving work & I am going to go home & throw the flowers in the fucking bin… I am so fucking angry. “Why would she even go to someone in my street if ‘almost throwing up’ Seems legit.” No fucking discounted beauty treatment is worth it, if you’re having a real panic attack, let me assure you! “Because she didn’t know at the start when the offer came up for cheap beauty… But she made me drive her.. And it wasn’t comfortable.. I’m not lying… You make up some weird stuff about me and my wife in your brain sometimes. But believe whatever you want.. Clearly it’s pissed you off 🤷‍♂️ Mind you she probably made up stuff in her head about you.. But whatever” Typical, he’s got to be the most pissed off one – didn’t he make shit up in his head about how special J-Lo & Rob Rob were too me?! But it’s not him I don’t believe, it’s her… Oh I believe she made him drive her, not at all doubting that, I hate how much of a fool I feel now finding that out like six years later though, but what I don’t believe for a second was that she was genuinely having a panic attack – it was fucking fake & he fell for it, she just wanted for me to see them. She was 100% hoping I would see them driving together, still together & in my street… He’s a fucking dickhead if he thinks it was really for discounted beauty treatments!

What a fucking amazing anniversary this turned out to be!

#IBD4U