25 March 2025 – Bracelet
In the morning he says good morning but then his usual morning rant, which includes “If if is too much or I really fuck you off please tell me and I can back off. I obviously don’t want to upset or piss you off when for the times you can’t have me…” He has gone through our chat that I save & re read some of it, picking up on things I said two days ago. I don’t want him to back off, I’ve always wanted this. I don’t need Phoenix full time, I would prefer he didn’t have a wife – of course & was all mine & I would prefer he didn’t want other women, but this honesty, communication & connection is all I ever asked for. I never asked for him to see me more, I never asked him to leave her, that doesn’t mean I don’t want it, but if he wants to pull away, he will & he will blame me for getting annoyed & justify why it ends. I had said that I felt like things were different with him for about a year, things just felt different, he doesn’t think he changed & maybe he didn’t but I felt it.
As I am rolling over in bed, reading his messages, I remember the bracelet on my wrist, one of the love’s has indented my arm, I take a picture of it & send to him, “So this actually happened… It wasn’t a dream…” he says “Yeah wasn’t a dream 😋 I don’t think I changed or felt any difference 🤷♂️ Personally I changed.. I was extremely depressed and struggled my first 2 years at the new job.I lost all confidence in myself .. I’m surprised i didn’t start drinking … But I did binge eat … haha. If you didn’t notice as I got fatter.” I did notice, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t really care, I don’t like skinny guys.
I explain how he pisses me off just saying I have to go “Like who wants to be left on unread all the time… I’ve had enough of it in 8 years than anyone else would have put up with… Yet I still do it. I still get the rushed goodbye while having a normal convo… And I’m always grossly aware of the time thinking, he’ll be gone soon, need to wrap this up…” I think he’s genuine when he asks, “Well what can I do to make it easier for you? Do you want me to set an alarm and just only engage in small talk? Or say good bye before I need to go and end the convo a solid 15 minutes before I need too? I want to make this as easy as I possible can for you. So tell me what I can do to make it easier for you.” I don’t want him to set an alarm & only talk bullshit to me, I don’t want to be an obligation either, that’s my fear, I want him to want me. I want him to want to say goodbye to me properly, knowing that it upsets me & would upset him if I did it to him. I just tell him that I don’t want to feel like a fool & he says that he can work with that, but I 100% know he won’t & we’ll be having this conversation again, I’m sure of it! I’ve told him this before & he still does it, eight years later, he is still making me feel like a fool & while he says he cares, he really doesn’t. I know he doesn’t get it & he thinks I’m a idiot for letting it upset me.
He brings up the past again, that the conversation just is about us both wanting to get one up on the other when we started chatting again during affair one. He was telling me about his kinky open relationship to hurt me & I was posting on fetlife – not telling him directly that I had had anal sex once with a guy. But honestly, I am sick of feeling like shit about my past… I am single I can do what I want, he is fucking married, fucking his wife regularly… So why do we always come back to who I fucked when he broke my fucking heart… I ask, “Can we ever go a day without making me feel shit about the fact I have a past??” But he seems to think that without everything I did during that time we were apart, we wouldn’t be here now, which is probably true. I tried to replace him & couldn’t. He says he not always trying to put me down, trivialise my feelings or make me feel ashamed of my sexual history. “I feel like you are even more self conscious now that I’ve read your blog and even more ashamed… It’s kinda cute you are ashamed a little and self concious about it with me though haha.” I mean I don’t think it’s cute, I feel like every time he brings it up he’s attacking me or trying to make himself feel better by making me feel shit. But he says because I literally talk about him in every post, I redeem myself, I say it’s not about redemption, he wasn’t supposed to ever read it, which is why he finds this funny! “Especially the papa roach concert, yes I wrote it addressing it to you but I didn’t expect you to see it….” That post is kind of embarrassing now, but it’s what made him reach out so maybe I should just be happy he did. He says now that everything he thought I told him that he didn’t believe because of his own insecurities, he obviously has now read in my blog so he believes me.
What’s interesting is that he says, “I literally did everything I could to enrage you and encourage you to block me. Say some of the worst and meanest things to you while you are being honest with me, even vulnerable admitting that to me. You are definitely a retard.” I don’t ask at the time, but why didn’t he just block me himself?! He had digs at me about having an STI & needing to glen 20 his mouth, he is so perplexed how we are still chatting when he’s said shit like that… & I wonder too, why was he so mean, why couldn’t he just block me? “Honestly I been trying not to enrage most of the time. Just sometimes jealously hits and I get angry. But I refused to believe things you told me , especially when it came to other men , or some of your sexual encounters, or anything you have ever told me ….. until I read your blog …. I just thought you were lying to me, trying to feed my ego.” I have never been one to feed his ego, I do not spin him bullshit, but he says “You literally manipulated me with sex just to keep me in your life for 5 years.” FUCK OFF. That is not manipulation, I wanted sex, I asked for it & he obliged. Not like I rocked up at his door naked trying to fuck him or blackmailed him. “Yeah you did. You just sent me sexy messages until I caved in and fucked. You. And kept doing it for 5 years . Knowing I have a dick, knowing I have a weakness for you, and knowing I know you are real and will do anything you text me IRL.” Well that’s not really manipulation is it?! & besides he was the one who would come back online & ask how my sexy little cunt was.. “well…umm. we manipulated each other with sex. you played along though. you enticed me to fuck you!!! and you are the one that enticed me and pushed to fuck me the first time in this affair, and kept teasing me, sending me sexy pics, making me hard, until I gave in!!” Wasn’t hard to get him to ‘cave in’, you’re a dickhead Phoenix!!
He spends time going through the #IBD4U Facebook comments, I no longer have access to the page after losing my personal Facebook page, so I have no way of using the page but Phoenix thinks it’s a good idea to read the comments, saying that his posts sparked the most comments, which is true, but that they really hated him after the first breakup. He’s laughing at some of them & it’s stroking his ego, not a surprise. I ask him if he’s getting off on it & he says no comment. He says that if he knew there was a blog complete with quotes he would have tried harder even with the spelling & grammar. He is loving the comments, “hahah somone saved their ‘noodle’ posts to enjoy on their day off to read with a bottle of wine! you can’t make up this shit.” I hate that I can’t delete the Facebook page or unpublish it now! His head is way too big as it is. “oh this is a good one…. someone told you they were though about making their boyfriend read your noodle posts for inspiration. Yeah. I get off on this shit.” God he’s a fucking idiot, hahaha! “omg I even got a hashtag. from readers. #maketimefornoodle.” Fuck he’s a smug dickhead right now!
Right before he’s about to go offline for the night, I am about to finish work & he starts banging on about how I called Max my boyfriend. I know Max called me his girlfriend but I 100% never thought of Max as my boyfriend & never used that term about anyone besides the guy I owed my house with, the one with the pseudonym Boyfriend. Phoenix doesn’t let up, he just keeps pushing the topic & I refuse to agree with him, “Fine I’m not gonna argue with you cos you’ll go offline in a minute & I don’t want to always go about my night pissed off.” He then says that I apparently told him I had no feelings for Max, which is true, I liked him as a friend & enjoyed the time I had with him, so I ask “How can you call someone you have no feelings for, your boyfriend?!” He says that I told him he was my boyfriend & he had a key, yeah he had a key for a scenario that he never used them for… But then again neither did Noodle when he had a key… He says “I was jealous I didn’t have a key. And thought I deserved one. And I got one haha. Eventually.” I say that I had them cut specifically for him, I didn’t want him to have the same keys that max had, which were just my regular spare set of keys. “It’s kinda cute… It meant so much to me… Especially after you told me he had one …. I would of been all cool about it… But it meant alot to me. I was clearly a better a friend, clearly cared for you, clearly closer to you, was now fucking you , and fucking you more than him. And I was pissed he had a key.” To be clear, they didn’t have keys at the same time, long before I had keys cut for Phoenix, I had the keys back from Max.
He brings up the fact that J-lo & Rob Rob know about my blog & he didn’t – that they knew about him & he didn’t know about them. Sorry, did he not have a woman publicly humiliating me that I didn’t know he was fucking close too & getting her address?! Nether of these guys did anything to make him feel like a fool publicly & they were big supporters of Phoenix, actually giving me advice on what I should do. Phoenix should be thanking them for things they said to me about him. Every fucking day he beings up something that pisses me off right before he has to go offline because she’ll be home soon, every fucking god damn day! “I don’t know if it’s intentional but you do it everyday & not sure if it’s cos you know you’re going offline so you want to pissed at me cos you don’t want to miss me or if you’re just an actual cunt every fucking day… 🤷🏼♀️” I call it the Phoenix special, he says that it’s not intentional, “Honestly. I do not want you pissed off at me when I got off-line. I don’t know what to say to you now. I don’t want to piss you off more. I’m sorry for bringing them up again okay. That one was bad timing. You make me sound like a pizza. The Phoenix Special.” It’s her birthday today & I am so fucking angry, that I snap, “Have a good evening, I hope she appreciates her jewellery as much as I do! Chat later ABC.” I put my phone in my pocket & finish picking up the dog poo without interruption.
I wait long enough that I know he’s logged off before I look at his message, “She has no jewellery… But okay then. You are a twat. I got her massage voucher if you are wondering, didn’t even get her any jewellery. And now you have picked a fight with me and left it fuckhead haha.” He’d also mentioned something earlier about spending more money on me. Not something I care about or what he got her. I just said that cos I was fucked off. I’m sick of feeling like shit about talking to men when he has done the same the whole time he’s known me. I tell him I didn’t pick a fight & when he comes back online he says, “You said a bitchy statement. Fun fact, I got you a bracelet because I have never got her one. But whatever.” Oh yes, the other Phoenix special – he has to be more angry than me, I forgot about that… “See & now you turn it around & crack the shits at me… I can never be the one that’s shitty, can I? You always have to be more pissed off than me.” He says I can do whatever I like, which isn’t true because if I am angry, he gets angrier & then I have to stop fighting him about whatever we’re talking about to make him feel better. He says that he almost didn’t come back online tonight & because of how we left it, I would have been so annoyed that he would 100% be giving her birthday sex & I would not have wanted to talk to him tomorrow. He says that he’d like to see how long I would have lasted!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 