29 & 30 March 2025 – Dumb Questions
29 March 2025 – I drive to his work, not because I think he deserves to see me, but I deserve to see him. I have just cried, which is so unlike me but there is a bit of emotion in my life at the moment, so I am not surprised that this has come out after a huge morning. We hug & talk for his short 30 minute break, I drive 20 minutes each way to get this hug, I want to see him & want the sexless dates.
He thanks me for coming down to see him, which I think is weird, he never thanks me for anything, ever. “I am trying to be nicer to you! You have driven nearly 20 minutes out of your way to come and see me… and not for very long. I never really looked at things from your perpective until I read your blog, what you did for our affairs or even to just to see me. even just to make it work now. but I also have my dick moments every now and then too :P” I mean the drive wasn’t entirely for selfless reasons, so I don’t mind, I wanted to see him & like going to his work, I just wish I took him some food.
We talk about not crying, I haven’t cried in a long time & he says that he lost it at his nanna’s funeral & I can’t help but picture his wife not supporting him – she probably did but I don’t want to think about it, I wish I was there for him or knew about it. I wish I was there to hug him when it happened, or that he even told me. He only told me she died when he got an inheritance from her. I never knew until now that he saw her or was upset about her death. I feel like an awful friend because I wasn’t there for him. How can we think we are more than sex if I didn’t even know someone significant died in his life?!
We had talked about the blog & I have to say I hate talking to him about it because I still think he should hate me for it, so I don’t want to keep justifying why he should hate me & then he change his mind “I was petrified of you reading the blog & I reckon a few years ago you would not have been able to reflect the way you have… You would have 100% hated me, thought I did it on purpose etc…” He asks why because I actually write about him in a good light even when we break up & because it existed before him, it wasn’t 100% about him, he just was the main star.
He says “Have you seen our star sign compatibility it snap.” I have no idea where this has come from or where he is going with it. He tells me that it says “We admire each other’s integrity and Ambition apparently. I don’t believe in star signs , load of horse shit.” I mean we do admire that about each other I guess, so it’s kinda right. But I am not sure I believe star signs really. It’s kinda cute that he notices it though & I can’t help but smile at Mr Tough’s exterior.
He must be getting tired because he’s being all sweet & telling me that he loves me because I have Pepsi Max for him in my fridge when he is perfectly happy to drink coke no sugar. “You are fucking awesome sometimes. Stuff like that makes me love you more haha. It’s the little things.” He says he didn’t nap today & doesn’t want to go to sleep because, “I missed chatting to you.” Then he says randomly “I was so angry the other night hey… That i was vibrating the bed. And it kept waking up my wife. And she was like why is the bed shaking.” What the fuck was he angry about?! He says he doesn’t remember why, probably something about my blog & he doesn’t remember when it was but I can’t help but think that he was again chatting to me while in bed with her… He is obviously very tried because then he says “How did I find such a sexy chick. You are amazing. You blow my fuckin mind sometimes. How incredibly sexy you can be. I did get lucky. You have to put up with. My moody byllshjr too.” We say goodnight & I sleep soundly after a weird day, but I have seen & hugged him so everything is right in the world.
30 March 2025 – I wake up to a good morning message & then realise that Phoenix is reading my blog – still! He asks me a stupid question, “Do you reckon you would still be fucking the crows guy if he made effort too? I mean he was better at head than me and and way buffer than me (I saw his pics !) And he sounded like he did everything I did. But obviously better than I did. Cos I think you would be. I need to stop re reading your blog haha. But I don’t think you would of stopped. I’m sure you would of never fucked me again and eventually forgot me” I mean I highly doubt it, I think he kept seeing me because he enjoyed the drama of talking to Phoenix’s wife, I reckon if that wasn’t happening, Crow’s would have backed away a lot sooner. I ask him “Are you still reading it??? Remember when I wrote it, I was so heart broken, devastated, was hearing all about your wild sex, being blamed for STIs, that my tone of writing is trying to make him & others after you better than you… If we never spoke again, you & I, I would have eventually moved on & thought about you less of course but we didn’t…”
When I wrote about other men, I tried to spin them in good light because wanted them to be better than Noodle who just shattered my heart & told me all about his kinky sex. I mean I still will never understand why Phoenix didn’t just block me, why he had to push me away & make me hate him by telling me all this bullshit, that I still dwell on ‘to this very day’ (to quite Phoenix’s most favourite saying!). I do admit that Crows was better a giving head – I mean he’s read that now anyway, so can’t lie about it. However, one thing now knowing that Phoenix has read it, he is SOOOO much better at head than he was before. I mean I always thought he was good, but he is definitely back to the top of my list for ever sexual act & experience.
We spend the morning sharing pictures, things that seem to mean nothing like a selfie on him, wearing sunnies while mowing the lawn, but are the everyday mundane things that I love from him. I send him ones of me with brown hair & when I was really overweight, him sending ones when he was younger & overweight. Considering he says that he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 19, he says that he always had a girlfriend & was rarely single – what a fucking surprise! NOT. He is so afraid to be alone, he says that I fuck anything, but he’ll get into a relationship with anything. He obviously is trying to make me jealous since he’s been reading my blog because he tells me that he had multiple FWB’s at one time. But I don’t care, I mean it was years ago… All I am jealous of now is what he had with Cowboy’s mistress & he’s only telling me that because he’s found my blog, not because I am rubbing my blog in his face.
I then ask something really fucking dumb & I wish I didn’t ask. “Oh, I want to know something… Not the nitty gritty with your wife. But just in general… Do you think it’s odd to shower with your partner – like regularly. But you don’t have sex? Either in the shower or ever…” I am thinking about how J-Lo had said that he & his partner shower together most days but they never have sex at all. For me, I can’t imagine getting in a shower with someone & not doing something at least sexual with them. He says he doesn’t think it’s weird, but I do, maybe I’ve been single too long. Then he says “It saves water and gives a s em. And an activity they bond over. Relationships are built on way more than sex, as a single woman in your mid 30s, you probally got way more sex than most married women in the same age range. You were just a twat and thought that’s how you build a relationship. People have sex way more than you think in relationships. Including me haha.” Oh great, I really wish I didn’t fucking ask…“Forget I asked. I don’t want to know actually.” I don’t want to think about how much sex Phoenix is getting. He quickly adds “Way less * That was a typo. People have sex way less than you think. Haha just surprised you would ask me. You make it clear you enjoy baths with me, with no sex. A shower isn’t much different. I feel like a bath is a tad more intimate, and things like my fat gut are more exposed tho than a shower…” I am so fucking sorry I asked, why did I ask him?! “We have before & after the bath… Just forget it.” Fuck, I wish I could take it back “Just feel like that is a question you should have not asked me 🤷♂️. Also just comes across your chatting to married dudes to me haha.” I just say that he is right I am wrong, I am not chatting to married men, this was something I thought about a lot “It’s in my blog so it’s not a recent thought. If you want to accuse me of chatting to married people. I am not. Just forget it” FUCK why did I ask that, now I know he showers with her & now I can’t get that thought out of my head. There are times where I just wish he would lie to me…It hurts to think that I only get him sexually & she gets to have non sexual showers with him where he is bonding with her. FUCK.
We switch convos to 69’s & how good the one on my birthday was last year “I really wanted to rim you too haha, this was before I read your blog because your ass was in my face and looked really good … Pretty sure I had never done 69 before you (or after you ….) and I had literally only given head like 3 to 4 times before you …, or if I had it was like once. And you got head rarely for the first 6 months… haha. Also yeah never gone down on my wife🤷♂️. And I never enjoyed going down on a chick until you 100%. And now I fucking love it… Like I want to do it. And enjoy it.” I don’t recall ever doing it with anyone before him. Funny that he says that because he was ‘competing’ (in his own head) with all these other guys, that he put in more effort when he fucked me & I did the same because I already liked him & wanted to give him things his wife wouldn’t.
He brings up the fucking public toilet sex & how ‘I wasn’t into the idea’ & I am so annoyed… He says that I saved it for Rob Rob, which I did not. My memory of it is that I looked for public toilets when I started a new job because I didn’t know if I could get away & he was still tracked on the apple stalker app, but he didn’t seem interested in it. “You clearly did it with him. He asked for it and itt was granted. I asked for it and get nothing.” I can honestly say that Phoenix never asked for anything, I suggested every scenario we had, the only thing he ever asked for was the threesome & I made it happen for him. He never made the one I wanted happen for me & then fucked another guy with his kinky wife, so isn’t this the same fucking thing?! I didn’t even know he wanted public toilet sex, he knew damn fucking well it was my number one fantasy & still is, yet his did it with his wife & then fucking told me all about it! I don’t even know what to say to him right now, he is on a rampage that he says “Do what ever you want. Delete me if you need too.” My gut clenches when I read it & I start shaking. “OMG are you being serious? Phoenix?” but he says no that he’s ok & to just ignore him. He says that he wanted some things to be special but because I talked to Rob Rob the whole time & had phone sex with him, let him dominate me that sex with Phoenix isn’t special… Rob Rob has four fucking posts! He is not as significant or special that Phoenix makes him out to be in his puny brain… He says I didn’t beg for a threesome but I told him that was my condition for doing it with Sweetie & him was for him to do it with a guy for me. He never agreed, he says he did & says that I offered up men, but I didn’t & he never did it with me, knowing it was my number one fantasy! He says that he will always be pissed off about it & I wil never see his side of it… No, I probably won’t because I just don’t get it! I told him he would hate me because of the blog, it was only a matter of time.
As he’s saying goodnight this night, he wishes me good luck for my surgery tomorrow & he says that he’ll come give me ice cream & a hug, which I can’t wait for. I tell him that I have a present for him that’s not sexual or lingerie for a change. He says that he’s looking forward to it & we say goodnight.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 