Phoenix #24

April 2025 – Location

07 April 2025 – Of course because I am so angry, I don’t sleep so I send a after midnight rant of my own, “The reason I am so frustrated about this, is that you make it sounds like I did it on purpose… Said no to you (which I do not remember ever saying no to anything you ever asked for!) and then vindictively did it with him as a ‘fuck you’ to you… Then you tell me, it’s in your top 5 & now you won’t do it with me, but you’ll find someone else to do it with… Yeah, great Phoenix. Do that then. Tick off your top 5 with someone else. You had offers all the time, so I’m sure it won’t be hard to find someone.” How is what he did different to me?! He did my number one fantasy with his super kinky wife after smashing my heart, then rubbed it in my face with every conversation we had, destroying any confidence I had… I have no recollection of him ever telling me public toilet sex was in his fucking top five, what fucking bullshit! Go fucking do it with someone else then fuckwit… I am so over this ‘not special’ conversation with this fucking idiot… “I never said you did it on purpose. I don’t feel that way. I never told you it was like like a top fantasy either. Until yesterday. It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said anything, I was just being an idiot. We can move on now.” Can we? I don’t think we’ll ever get over shit in my blog… I start to think that the thing that brought us closer together, will be the thing that tears us apart…

“All this boils down too , was I had a fantasty that you showed no interest in it with me, but had enough interest with someone else that you were willing to do it with them but not me… that’s literally all it is. It’s simple. I don’t think it’s punishment. I don’t think you even cared. I didn’t push you on it so you didn’t even know. Once you told you me, that you were not interested. I dropped it. I never told you it was like bucket list things or hassled you to do it, literally only mentioned it once. I know you didn’t do it on purpose. It’s literally that dumb and that simple. Don’t over think it” If it really is that simple, then why the fuck does he bring it up every fucking day & make me feel bad about something I did to try to get over him? I ask how I am not supposed to overthink when he fucking said ‘he’d do it in a heartbeat’ with someone else… “I shouldn’t of said that … But if it came up with someone else I would make it happen. It’s a bucket list thing that I have no interest with you purely because of jealously. I’m jealous someone got a fantasy I wanted , I’m jealous you had a sexual fir. Friendship with another partnered man through all affairs. I’m jealous someone was allowed to degrade you through all affairs. It’s all just stupid jealously. And you should not over think it. It’s simple. It’s just jealously.” Right so he shouldn’t have said it but he meant it… Fuck you Phoenix. We know he chats to others & I don’t doubt that he is chatting with other women while spinning me this bullshit now – because affair two while I poured my heart out he was building deep honest relationships with women he would have fucked ‘in a heartbeat’ & had planned to fuck so he’s probably doing it now & obviously, I am not enough for him because he’ll do this apparently top five fantasy with someone else… Good one… Off you trot then!

When I ask who this someone he keeps referring too, he says “It was a figure of speech. There is no one.” I am in no mood, he’s fucking chatting to someone else & I am getting fucking caught up in this web of fucking lies & my dumb heart is fucking invested, “Oh yes the ol ‘I’d fuck someone else in a heartbeat’ figure of speech, yes… If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I’d have like $5 – all from you.” He denies it, “There is no one else currently.” Oh really, are you fucking kidding, you’re just making it worse Champ, “Currently. Good to know.” I am so over this! “I’m also not looking for anyone else. You are reading too much into that.” Am I really? “I hate that we had a great lunch, plus a bit of fun caching – cos your not just sex, some cuddles… I come home with your cum still dripping out of me, smittin & satisfied but also a little sad cos our schedules won’t align this week & so what do we do, we fight… About something you were never meant to see!!” I am so frustrated, he ruined that great afternoon & the little time we have chatting & all we do is fight over something I cannot see his side of & never will – happy for someone to explain it to me if you can see it, please get in touch… You know I always fucking defend him but as I re-read ready to post, I cannot reflect on this & see his side besides his jealousy. “And if I didn’t see your blog that lunch would have not happened BTW, gotta take the good with the bad…”

Today I worked from home as I had a dr’s appointment, he says that he could have seen me today if he knew, I mean he can see my fucking location on snap maps but we’d also seen each other Saturday & Sunday, I didn’t think he’d want to today as well, he says he finished at 12:00pm, but luckily he didn’t because both his kids are sick. I just didn’t think he’d be able to or want to go out of his way “I would of done simply because of our schedules. #IBD4U, I want to see you as much as I possibly can. I want you to tell me when I can see you. Even if it is two days in a row.” Um… fuck, ok… He tells me about how his kids catch the bus home so he has extra time, they don’t get home till 4:00pm –   I mean that doesn’t matter because he had always rushed off before 2:00pm, he lives 20 mins away so not sure why he’s pushing the fact he has extra time now they catch the bus… “Well, Phoenix. I am working from home today…” I laugh at myself & his reply, “Bit late now fuckhead. I genuinely want to see you as much as I can. So let me know in future thanks.” Does he really want to know, even if it would be three days in a row?! Maybe I still question his intentions here. He’s found my blog, realises he misses me & wants to be closer to me, but it changes nothing, he’s still married. Neither of them are going to walk away, he even said his family love her more than him – as if that’s a reason to stay but he used that as one of the excuses as to why he chose to stay with her so what is the point of this. I may never get the answer to that.

I tell him that even if he didn’t look at my snap maps, my location or the suburb I am in, is underneath my name. I call bullshit that he doesn’t pay attention to it, because he was the one who mentioned that he found it odd that since we’ve been friends on snapchat I have had my location available to him. At that time it, he logged on like twice a month so he never saw where I was anyway, but now he’d be aware of it right there in the chat. ”Why you would even turn your location on for a bloke you fuck once a month boggles my mind.” He says it would come in handy if he turned his location on for me. I have mixed feelings about this, I fucking want it, mainly because when he says ‘on my way’ I can judge where he is & how long I have. I never know if he’s coming from the school, from work or home or even the shops. All have very different times to when he could rock up. But I don’t want his location because I am not tracking where he is & if he’s fucking someone else like his wife. But anyway when he logs off it doesn’t update until he’s back online anyway so it wouldn’t even be useful. “It made me feel uncomfortable initially. I was like why the fuck is she letting me see where she is. And felt weird for checking it. Especially considering I was only fucking you monthly and hardly chatting to you. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in your brain.” I tell him he doesn’t want to know what goes on in my head, that’s for sure!

I don’t know when we discussed it but with geocaching you sign the log book once you find it, a lot of ones we looked at had stamps from the people who found it, so he randomly says when I ask if he downloaded the app “Was I meant too? You are in charge of that. You can order us a cute stamp too.” Oh can I? He is about to see what goes on in my brain! I fixate on things, I jump into my canva app intantly & I start creating a logo for us. I use my geocache name & call him Prick Phoenix. While chatting, I design us a logo ready to make a stamp. I hesitate to send it to him, but I do… I ask him how lame geocaching really is, since he thinks I am so cool “Na I actually enjoying with you and think it’s not lame. I would also rather do something like that than the usuall date ideas people do such as something like bowling, or mini golf that I’m just going to lose, or sit in a cinema for 2 hours and not talk to each other. Anyone can do geocache at any skill level, it’s good to get out and go for a drive and is makes you stop at places you wouldn’t normally and look for things outside , I genuinely think it’s a great and fun interest and activity.” He sends me a screenshot of the app & says he made an account, I look for him under his name & the name I gave him to add him as a friend, but I never find him & don’t ask him about it again.

He tells me that his brothers girlfriend has told their mum that she’s going to break up with him, what’s odd about the conversation is how little his mum sides with her own kids… This woman hasn’t been in their life that long & his mum is siding with her. I get that Phoenix’s wife had been in her life over ten years & they had kids together, but then he reveals something that I just don’t even know how I feel about it “I don’t know my mum is weird I guess. She created a bank account for my wife during the affair for example. And set up online banking for her. It’s how I know my wife can’t see certain accounts now. Because she was setting her up to spilt from me. All in preparation for our spilt.” So his mum works at a bank & when he had met me for lunch he used his card & I had asked how he would explain the transaction – because I would assume that would be something easy for her to track without having to tell him. Not that I think she cares about doing it, so openly tracks & spies on his movements. But the odd thing about this, is considering Phoenix mum had walked away from his dad due to cheating, it’s so fucking surprising & not at all believable that she pushed them to stay together, while setting up accounts for his wife – why would she set up accounts & push them to stay together?! It’s so fucking contradictory…

Anyway, in the interest of telling him when I am working from home, so he can see me as much as he can, I tell him I am getting my stiches out next week on Monday & if he can get to my house by 12:00pm he could come with me, not into the appointment cos he’s weird about medical stuff but we could drive in & out together, just for a drive. He googles to if I can eat afterward getting the stiches out & suggests lunch in the city. I just on this excitement, there is a great Greek place just up from my periodontist, so we could go there for lunch… I think is super fucking cute he googled if I’ll be able to eat afterwards & I can’t wait for that!

We get onto the topic my little smug noise & fucking without a condom, our conversations jump all over the place but then one leads to a fucking fight about when he blamed me for his wife’s STI after the first affair. He says he blamed me because he didn’t know what STI she had or what it was. I say “As if you didn’t google it… You just googled if I can eat after getting stitches out…” He says he’s really wimpy with medical stuff, which I know but fuck this guy actually told me he was at every appointment with her – now he’s saying he didn’t even know what the fucking STI was! It’s late at night while he’s pissing me off, every fucking goddamn night. Does he do this so it’s easier for him to log off & say goodnight? Because I fucking don’t sleep as I play the conversation over in my head. He tells me that he was a bad person to me, that he blamed me & he 100% owns that, I know he doesn’t need to admit that to me, but he said he was with her at every appointment, turns out, he fucking wasn’t & didn’t even know what she had, “We were not exactly best friends at the time ? I’m sorry I Blammed you. And I’m sorry I was an asshole. Or anything I said degrading to you.” I say it doesn’t matter & he says get some sleep, we say a cold good night & log off.

#IBD4U