April 2025 – The Handmaids Tale
08 April 2025 – “I may of lied to you about during this time , we were not friends at this point , we were. Barely not talking , I was being an asshole to you. I’m sorry I did that , and don’t like that it upset you last night.” He doesn’t like that it upset me but yet he chose to log off while I was feeling shit without trying to make it right, knowing I wouldn’t sleep well, “It upsets me cos this is shit I’ve held on to for fucking years, thinking how shit I am, how fucking slutty I am. Doing eveything you ever asked of me & I never get the same respect back… You wonder how I questioned that you even loved me… You wonder why I fucked eveything & did anything I could that night be outside the box eh maslins, rope, play parties.” He jut says that we shouldn’t talk about this but he keeps talking to the point that we get into a fight about what I said to his wife when he allowed her to find me on the chat app under his secondary account that he had used only a couple of days, saying I had a dig at her about holding the baby, wasn’t a dig at her, it was the truth – nothing I did was a dig at her, it was to fuck him over so she would leave him, every single thing I have done was about him, not her! I don’t even know her… “If that’s the worst thing I did, then I’m ok with that. & you can hate me for it.” I don’t care what I said or did, I did everything he asked of me. EVERYTHING. I still fucking do… He said don’t message me, I didn’t. He said don’t call his phone, I didn’t. But he allowed her to do whatever she wanted to me, including hacking my Facebook to look at all my pictures & knowing where I live, “I don’t hate you for that. I think you did pretty well. I admire how you handled it every thing. You handled things alot nicer than I ever did …. I purposely hurt you sometimes and was way less nice… You could of done the same. I wanted you to do the same… And although you may of done things or said things to piss me off or make me jealous or whatever. You never did it in a mean way. Just the odd bitchy remark. I’m not sure what you think I lied about. Or why that lie hit you hard. I honestly thought I would protect you at all costs and tried my very best too. My children were used as leverage so some things got through… and she went through all electronics finding evidence.” I can’t believe we are still fighting about this, but I still maintain that he did not even try to protect me, he thinks he did, but regardless of his kids being used a leverage, don’t throw your mistress under the bus. Get your shit posted back, hell just let your shit get thrown in the bin, buy new stuff… You don’t bring your mentally unstable partner who just got released from hospital, who is manipulating you with your kids as pawns in this little game, to your mistresses house!! Period. He 100% didn’t protect me at all, “I did protect you as much as I could, I never gave her any numbers including your personal number, I never gave her your full name, your proper Job or company you worked for , I did give her your address but the only reason was because I had to pick up my stuff… which was only there because I was legitimately ready to leave her for you.” He wasn’t ready to leave her ‘for me’, he’d already chosen to stay with her, deleting me easily & getting kinky sex from her. He forgers that she went through his phone, found messages from him to Rory about how much he loved me & they fought. He didn’t leave her for me. He got fucking kicked out!! There’s a big fucking difference. I was the back up waiting for him like a bloody fuckwit, taking the day off work to be with him & then went back to her anyway, so what a crock of shit. If those messages were never found, he never would have been at my house that day… It wasn’t or me, it was because he had no where else to go…
Of course this has to be twisted around that I am the deceitful one, “You lied to me when you said you would stop fucking people from the chat app, you continued to do so. During our first affair. You lied to me about me being the only person to degrade you. You lied to me about nothing happening during the the chat app catch up. You regularly lied to me, quite often too. During our first affair.” Bit rich coming from a man who had a wife who he knocked up & fucked the entire time he’s known me – even now… But anyway “Fine, I’m the lying whore who got eveything she deserved.” He says he didn’t say that, I tell him to forget it. I am so fucking tired from not sleeping for 24 hours because of my mouth & because of my insomnia, as he keeps firing me up before bed that when he logs off, I am still reeling about the conversation. He tries but I am in no mood to keep feeling like shit, “I love our super honest friendship , I love the fact that it has gotten even stronger lately and we are more honest with each other than ever.”
Our schedules aren’t going to line up this week, but I somehow have some time today so in line with the ‘I want you to tell me when I can see you’ statement, I let him know that I am free for lunch today if he wants to meet me at work, “You rarely actually ask me to see you .. But I do want you to tell me when you are free. Is 11 okay?” I say yes & look forward to his hug. I put a fake meeting in my diary & we head to a sushi train at the shops.
We sit opposite each other, as opposed to next to each other like usual when we’ve had lunch. So we make a lot of eye contact as we eat & chat. I reach out to touch his arms a lot, I rub my foot on his legs too when I get a chance. I wish I remembered the conversations better, but I remember noticing how much he looked at my cleavage & he tells me how good my tits look. I had not planned an outfit for him today, as I didn’t even know I was going to see him until I messaged an hour or so ago telling him I was free. He says later that I always say I love you when we leave each other now… I don’t want it to be a habit & I know he doesn’t want to say it all the time, but I say it when we leave each other because I feel it & I want him to know, even if he doesn’t believe me.
That night he makes a video for his Facebook page & he shares it with me. I think he’s funny in his video, he does a good job & I admit to him, “Don’t let all the chicks give you a big head how good you look! 😑 I do get jealous to you know…” Wouldn’t surprise me if he is already flirting with people on his page… When we talk about his Facebook page, I get so many messages from him telling me things about the other similar groups & the politics of stealing their posts & them stealing his. He is so fucking adorable when he gets all serious & tells me all about it. I fucking love hearing about it, like I said, I want to hear this shit, he listens to my shit about work & life, so I love that he is all passionate & writes me a million messages about the topic.
So I am sitting there minding my own business, he’s talk about hot cross buns, when he says, “If you put plex on your TV or phone you can watch it without ads, I downloaded it for you. My plex account is Phoenix@gmail.com and password is Password123” OMFG. He did that without me asking, he did that because he loves me, this is what love is. This is what is special… FUCK. He won’t get it but I don’t care, “OMG… That’s the cutest thing you’ve ever done for me…” He doesn’t agree, “I gave you a bracelet dickhead.” I mean the bracelet was fucking amazing & special, I still can’t believe he did that, but it was for an occasion, not just because. Him downloading & giving me his log in details without asking is just so fucking cute… He gets cuter when I say something about my stupid internet & he says he googled my address & I should have fibre by the end of June 2025. So excuse me, hang up, back up a second… You can’t tell me he didn’t fucking google what STI his wife had, when he’s googling to see when I get better internet at my address, which has no impact on him whatsoever!
I tell him about another dude at my gym, who looks similar to him with his name, not hot or sexy as my Phoenix, but similar looking, he says not to fall in love with a Phoenix, I say that they are easy to love once you realise what you’re feeling. He says that it took me long enough, but I retort with the fact he gave me mixed messages, he asks how he was sending mixed signals, I mean he was the king of fucking mixed signals – I mean he still is really, “I was never sure what you were thinking, feeling etc. You’d give a little then pull back. Was hard for me to be vulnerable cos when I did, I turned out to be a fool.” I still feel like he is sending mixed signals, he wants to be close to me but for what purpose, I still don’t know, I may never know besides he says he missed me & missed chatting to me, “You didn’t know how to be vulnerable fuckhead Who was the one that told you they had feelings ? Who was the one that told you they fell in love with you? It wasn’t fucking you. That’s for sure !” Any time I did let my guard down, I felt like a dickhead. I also say that he knows what love feels like, I didn’t. “Someone had to make you feel it. I do feel like a fucked you up long term and made things worse 😐 You may of been a better person without meeting me. Having thoughts me lingering after things ended.” I reply that I am not sorry I met him, I never have been sorry even when it hurts. I will never be sorry I met him, no matter what happens. I am glad I am not the loser who was never loved or was loved. I say that I am glad I met him, “Even though I broke your heart multiple times ? Was a complete cunt to you ?” Well I mean I wish he didn’t break my heart or treat me badly & I wish he was single, but I am not sorry I was able to feel loved by him, I never said I was smart, that it what he’s said – in March, that I am the smartest person he knows, “You are smart. I think you are incredibly fuckin smart.” I ask him for examples because I am reminded of the initials comment & how stupid I am with men. “You are also so independent with everything. You work it out yourself and do it. You can just tell” but independent doesn’t me smart, that is because I have been single almost 19 years “I think it does. I’ve seen your brain in action. You just got dumb with me and their Dicks for a bitt I guess.” Well that is true, dicks do make me stupid, especially his. ‘You are not a dumb bimbo… Your even good with technology, don’t even need my help with that like normal people do. It’s the only thing I’m good at too lol.” Maybe that’s his insecurity with me, because he jus said that I won’t need him because I can download my own stuff & set up my own technology – the only thing he’s good at… But I mean I only do that stuff because I have too, who else is going to work out how my TV’s work if I don’t do it?! But I probably don’t need him , but I want him, there is a big fucking difference! & I’d rather someone want me, than need me!
He downloads the Handmaids tale for me & uploads to his plex account… What a fucking cutie!! I say that I want to give him a big hug & a kiss but he says that we’ve had enough today, I only get a certain quota. He doesn’t understand how much this means to me, something so fucking dumb & miniscule, is literally the most thoughtful thing ever, “But it’s the cutest thing anyone has ever done… You listened to me & just downloaded what I wanted… It’s super fucking adorable.” I tell him that I feel herd by him & he thinks maybe that’s what I find attractive about him, “You’re surprising me all the time. But yes you do listen…. More than I realise. I feel heard by you too.” He says “I do value what you have to say 🙂” which is probably also the first time I have had someone actually say that, but I feel valued too. “Your not the Super strong independent woman you make yourself out to be all the time. Sometimes you need a hug.” I could have told him that, but I strong & very very stoic because I have to be… If I crumble where does that get me? Single & a fucking mess, so I either need to be strong & pick myself up, pay my own bills or I would be homeless… “If you needed me to listen to you while you were down during that peroid I made sure I did, you just didn’t notice or refused to believe it sf the time 😕” I did notice, but I sometimes just through he did it because he knew that he knows how much I hate men jumping up after sex, “You always grounded me when I was being so flighty & scattered with work shit. Like you said before that probably is part of my attraction to you…. You listen & hear me… You know when I’m feeling shit or jealous or whatever… We can read each other pretty well. Even online.”
09 April 2025 – The next morning, there is a vibe of his messages, he is chatting, but he isn’t giving me much at all. I can tell he’s been reading the blog because of this attitude, that I check the blog stats – not that I know who is reading but I can tell being that it’s not been posted on in ages that I haven’t had much traffic to it while it’s not been active until he found it. I ask what is wrong multiple times but he says there is nothing wrong. I got no rant & I am getting one to two word answers, like I said last night, we can read each other pretty well even online. I know that something is up. I send a lingerie pic to spark something in him, “I wish I could fuck you today hehe. You don’t get rants often anymore haha. You have been asleep so couldn’t say much. I only ranted about stuff cos I had read your blog lol. Only times you get rants now is if I’m pissed off.” I say I will drop it & try to change the subject. He is going out for lunch for his mum’s 60th birthday. It’s weird to me that it’s on a Wednesday & she’s only invited his sister but hasn’t invited their partners or the grandkids. Her husband isn’t even going because he’s had too much time off work due to his health conditions. Why is this lunch even happening? It just what seems like random family & Phoenix at some fancy restaurant in the city. He says they are doing something with all the grandkids on the weekend.
I am at Mental Health First Aid training today just out of the city, but I don’t think we’ll get to see cross paths, though his little bitmoji on snapchat is near mine walking in the city, that I am sad that I can’t see him when he is so close by. I get him talking a little bit more, so I think perhaps he is ok today & just not really wanting to go to the lunch. He sends me a picture of him in his shirt that he has to wear because it’s a fancy restaurant. I think he looks hot as fuck but he’s pulling a dumb face, so sends another one smiling, which he looks super cute.
This is sort of a random comment, but I want to remind him how amazing & special our relationship is to me… errrr… relationship?! “And you know right, that I know you bought me a bracelet & I fucking love it & love gifts but the fact you downloaded handmaids tale for me still makes me fucking so happy & it’s so adorable…” He thought of me & did it “Fuck you still going on about that.” Secretly, I think he loves that I am so thankful for it. “Bahahaha, yeah. I love you so much for it.” I am so in love with him… “Sometimes I think of you.” I know he does, I just never realise it or witness it “A gift for an occasion, yeah it’s amazing but downloading a show you’ve never seen… That’s just like off the charts amazing.”
Then it comes… what I was waiting for, what I knew was brewing. What I knew he was overthinking this morning… It took over half a day for him to bring it up so I know it’s going to be a doozy, “Just the weird thing you find special.. So I have a question for your blog. Who were rob rob and jlo on the chat app? I obviously want to know who the two other partnered men I was in competition with the entire fucking time are ? There is a chance I may not even remember or know but just curious I guess.” FOR FUCK SAKE!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 