Phoenix #42

May 2025 – 69 or a 9?

18 May 2025 – So that was one the hottest orgasms I have ever had… It was intense, connected & sensual. He leaves about 3:00pm, we chatted for a little bit, me starting the conversation to show him I care & love him. He talk about my dinner with my friend & her husband, his last message to me is mid conversation at 5:30pm. I send a snap of my outfit for the dinner around 6:00pm & then tell him when I am home at 8:00pm.

I get nothing until 6:00am the next day, with just a message saying he was asleep by 9:00am last night… Would have been nice if I was asleep instead of waiting for him to come back online… I decide not to write back to him until after 8:00am, “So we are doing the not talking after work till the next day?! Would’ve been nice to get that memo so I don’t look like a fucking dick all the time.” I don’t want to keep making a big deal out of this, but fuck I am so hurt, how many times does he get to do this to me & just say he was tired… “I should of told you i went to bed sorry… I just assumed I wouldn’t fall asleep … sorry. Well not that early or for long .. I do want to talk to you at night but don’t want you to feel like a dick. It’s a hard balance with my old man body that falls asleep…” An hour later, I say, “All good, we just won’t talk after 4pm from now on.” I am sick of this feeling, I even tried to just ignore it last night & send a couple of messages in the hopes he would come back online after that intense connection today, but I won’t ever be ok with this… “You sure? I’ve got a good roster next week where I can be up a bit later so yeah. It all depends on my body , my hours I’m waking up, my work load. If she’s asleep. It’s fucking annoying as I want to chat to you. I’m sorry it makes you feel like a dick because I wanted to chat to you last night.”

Does this song come to mind for anyone else, or just me?! Sam Smith – How Do You Sleep?

I’m done hating myself for feeling
I’m done crying myself away
I’ve gotta leave and start the healing
But when you move like that, I just want to stay

What have I become now?
Looking through your phone now, oh no
Love to you is just a game
Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that shame and all that danger
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight
Baby, How Do You Sleep when you lie to me?
All that fear and all that pressure
I’m hoping that my love will keep you up tonight

Tell me how do you
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you

Oh no, how did I manage to lose me?
I am not this desperate, not this crazy
There’s no way I’m sticking around to find out
I won’t lose like that, I won’t lose myself

Look what I have done now
Dialling up the numbers on you
I don’t want my heart to break

Tell me how do you (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Love will keep you up tonight
Tell me how do you
Oh, love will keep you up tonight

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Max Martin / Savan Harish Kotecha / – Ilya / Samuel Frederick Smith

How Do You Sleep? lyrics © Mxm Music Ab, Naughty Words Limited, Stellar Songs Limited, Songs Of Wolf Cousins, Hipgnosis Songs Fund Limited, Hipgnosis Side A

Funnily enough, these things that make him fall asleep weren’t an issue for the first two months, when he pushed & pushed for this to be more… I was reluctant, I was scared, I was apprehensive about either of us letting down the walls because I knew I would be the one who got hurt again, & I get hurt every fucking time he just ‘falls asleep.’ & he just can’t see that this is destroying our relationship… He chose to communicate better & now he chooses not too… Slowly, but it is eroding what we have & I don’t know if it can be repaired if it is broken ever again, I know he won’t try to fix it, he never does, but I don’t think I can fix this if it breaks… “Yeah, well, I’d rather not be laying there struggling to stay awake myself only to find you’re obviously sleeping soundly without a thought of me.” but he says, “I do think of you…And miss you …” I don’t reply, you can’t fucking think of me when you’re asleep! On his first break he calls me… I know I am probably bitchy, but I don’t care. But he says something sweet to me & my icy exterior melts away a bit & before I know it I am agreeing to meet him after his shift at 3:00pm for a catch up, not because he deserves to see his girlfriend, but because his girlfriend deserves to see her boyfriend.

He just keeps saying he doesn’t think he was going to fall asleep, I ask, “When you lay down & your eyes start closing & you feel you can’t stay awake, you can’t pick up your phone & say night #IBD4U before you drift off into your comfortable non interrupted slumber at 9pm… When your eyes start getting heavy, you think your going to get up & run a marathon?! Or you clearly just fuck your wife & then can’t use you phone in bed & just tell me you fall asleep…” I mean my phone is in my hand until I literally put it down to close my eyes, is he saying that he gets into bed, puts his phone down to fuck his wife & then is to tired to pick it up & falls asleep… Yeah because that’s the image I have in my head! He says that they don’t do it at night because their son stays up past him most nights but whatever, there would be no such thing as siblings if parents didn’t have sex with their kids around.

On his second break he calls me again, I mean, it’s infuriating that I am so easy & all he has to do it call me or send me a few messages & then things are alright again & I am looking cute heading down to his work to see him. Oddly, we have had a lot of sex this week, Wednesday we went to Hahndorf & fucked afterward, we saw each other twice yesterday, fucking for over 2.5 hours, but we drive around looking for a place to fuck – what happened to the sexless dates?! Yeah I knew that was bullshit… We are just sex, no matter what he tries to make it… I ride him but my clit is sensitive & I struggle to cum. I sit on his lap with his cock inside me & he watches me rub my clit gently until I cum… I think he likes watching me make myself cum as much as he likes making me cum. Later he tells me “At this point in time I’m not gonna be offended if you don’t cum 😜” I guess that’s good to know… At least he knows that I don’t fake it with him. On my way home, I say that we should say goodnight now & even though I am sad when he agrees, knowing he won’t make an effort to chat to me now, even if he’s awake. I am relieved I don’t have to wonder if he’s coming online or not, because I know he won’t.

19 May 2025 – Our snapchat streak number today is 69 & I reminds him that we did a 69 on the weekend, but he says that I struggle with a 69 that it turns into a 9… Well then! I say sorry for disappointing him, jesus christ mate! He says “Na I get a nice view of your cunt and ass. Never disappointed.” Hahaha, at least that’s something! He says that I suck his dick a little but then just moan on it, which he says feels good, but I can’t help that he is sucking my clit so good that I can’t concentrate on his cock!

I end up saying goodnight early again even though she is at work tonight, but when he starts taking a while to reply, I just am going to say goodnight. He asks a question but then says goodnight. I don’t bother looking at it till the morning…

Have you noticed how much smaller the day posts are, this day for example only translates to two paragraphs, because the chat is so limited, yes we do talk on the phone most days now but only for 30 minutes, if we’re not fighting about my blog or talking about sex, then he seems to not want to text me much – I don’t know if that’s true but we’ve basically reduced our texts by a fuck ton of A4 pages when I copy & paste them like a stalker, to a page… At least when we were fighting he was talking, putting in effort & making me feel like he was interested in fixing this & genuinely wanting to make the wrongs of the past right. But now… What does he want…?

20 May 2025 – I tell him today that I am in a bad mood when I finally message him at 7:20am. Why the fuck did he start this with me if he knew he wasn’t going to be able to maintain it? I never asked for this, I never asked for the dynamic to change & I want the energy he was giving me in March minus the blog fights… He, of course thinks I am in a bad mood because I have my period, something now as my boyfriend he gets told about, but ironically, when I have my period I am usually in a better mood than the week before or after. I even wrote about that in my pen & paper journal I had when I was with Boyfriend.

I tell him I am sad that his jumper just smells like me now, he asks if I have taken it off, which I pretty much haven’t, because at this point, I feel like there is no other way to be close to him. We have either said good night around 4:00pm or 5:00pm & he hasn’t been coming back online, then like this morning even though I know he is fucking up, I don’t get a message for hours after he’s awake…

The phone calls are a part of my day I really look forward too, I love how happy I am just hearing his voice. He says “Hehe glad I bring some happiness to your day 😋 And some frustration. And some pleasure 😛” Well at least he can admit that too!! Hahaha. I wish that he would call me for my afternoon walk that I have started with the dogs instead of the gym. But he doesn’t because his kids are home by the time I go on my afternoon walk. He says goodbye & that he’ll try to come online tonight.

I can’t help myself but I am watching the Handmaids tale, the penultimate episode of the series & spoiler alert if you want to watch it, they kill off two of my favourite characters… LIKE WTF. So I can’t help but write a message to Phoenix about it even though he has no fucking idea what I am talking about… Or that he bothers to come back online tonight to read it. But he has downloaded & put on his plex account for me, so I am a happy little vegemite.

21 May 2025 – It’s around this time because he’s never online at night & has dramatically reduced how much time he allocates to texting me, that I realise how much this job is just fucking cooked. There are so many things I don’t agree with, so many dumb processes that no one has questioned & when I do, they say ‘that’s how we’ve always done it’ so I question further & either get shut down or they change the process. Like these fortnightly meetings which was just a waste of time that a report of at least 20 different things needed to be produced, but stupidly they were done on excel but the data is copy & pasted to word – it takes forever & out of all the meetings I have been to, to present this report to my region, I am aways last & they run out of time & I never get to present it. I was doing 1:1 which were much more useful & less accusatory when I put my report up on the screen calling someone out for not doing what they should be doing… So when I present the way I have been doing it to my boss, she then takes the idea & stops them all for every region! I just hate that no one is innovative or wanting to make change.

I am also in HR & have to do performance management bullshit but the management haven’t really done their due diligence prior to the meetings so I feel like HR is just a scapegoat. Like one thing I am dealing with right now is that someone is in trouble because they wrote notes about eggs but the colleague went through the bin & didn’t find egg shells, so the guy who wrote eggs is now in trouble… ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! But maybe that’s why things are so hard for me with Phoenix, I hate this job & if he was just talking to me fortnightly & seeing me monthly like the last five years, I wouldn’t care, but I am invested now & he is the only good part of my day, it’s just sucky that I’m not his… He told me he wanted to make an effort that he wanted to stop taking me for granted, but for the last month, his effort level has halved & he is back to taking me for granted & we’re really just sex again with phone calls…. Anyway my point of that whole thing was that I have applied for a few jobs. I ask where his brother works again because I just applied for a job there… Part of me hopes I get it so I can meet his brother properly, maybe I can date him & he might treat me better?! Hahaha. Probably not from what Phoenix says he’s like with his daughter & part of why he is now divorced. Would make for some interesting blogs though… Hahaha. I wonder if I was with his brother, if I would cheat on him with Phoenix at a family function… I mean, that is if I still have my eyes because his wife has scratched them out, we would be undressing each other with our eyes.

We are having a really boring conversation about my rego, I pay it monthly but it’s saying my car is unregistered, but then when I go to register it, it says it’s registered. It’s so weird, but I say sorry for being boring, he replies, “I don’t mind talking about boring shit…. It would annoy me if I travelled as far as you do, haha, that it says it’s expired! I enjoy talking to you, can’t always be about sex….. You are also my girlfriend and are welcome to bitch, talk about your day, your tedious shit, etc or your tv shows :P. You will just have to put up with my boring stuff sometimes too….” yeah but he has to to talk about this kind of boring shit with his wife, he doesn’t need me to add to it too.

His non sex topic, he says “Well I did a bucketlist thing yesterday. and it’s super lame” I ask what, but then ask “Why didn’t you tell me yesterday??” I don’t really get his excitement but I definelty want him to know I am interested in any topic, “Finished a really really hard video game from my childhood. that I got in 1997 for Chrismas but never finished it because it was so hard. I even posted to my group and got 150 likes haha, under my personal account too. because I was so proud.” He says it’s lame & didn’t want to bore me with it yesterday, I always want to hear what he has to day, I don’t get it & am not a gamer but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about it… I don’t want to be like his wife that he holds this stuff back from because he feels self conscious about it.

I don’t really get the game he was talking about but then I am reminded of a commodore 64 game from the late 80’s early 90’s that I tell him he should download for me, he says he probably already has it, I think it was actually called Donald Duck, I find it on YouTube to show him. Ironically he does have it, which is so funny, the music & the stupid duck! He then sends me a link to a computer version of it, which I think is so fucking adorable, he asks how, “I literally say something & nek minit Phoenix has it downloaded & sends to me!” It’s so fucking cute!

I am being super sweet to him, “You are so fucking cute…!! 🥰 I love it. Makes me just want to cuddle you… Sit in your lap, tickle your head & watch you close your eyes cos you like it so much… I love when you babble stuff about computers… I do not find it off putting geeky. It’s geeky but cute. I mean sometimes I don’t have anything to say back, not cos I’m sitting here going ‘fuck Phoenix is a geek’ but because I don’t know some of the stuff… But I love hearing about it. I love how passionate you are. You make me fall in love with you a little bit more everyday.” I wait & wait & wait for a reply… Looking back maybe he was looking at the games but he takes ages to reply & the replies are now one or two words, so I send ”Ok, you’ve obviously gone to sleep. Night.” & I put my phone down so fucking upset I finally felt like we were in a good place & he just proves to me daily how much of a fuckwit I am.

#IBD4U