May & June 2025 – Breakfast
31 May 2025 – No good morning, no messages, he just rocks up at my house at 6:00am & gets into bed with me. Honestly, I love he has a key, but it makes me regret giving it to him… We kiss & hug, we fuck but again, I struggle to cum & need to use a vibrator to cum… I am not sure what this is about & why I’ve struggle the last two times with Phoenix, when I have never really struggled before… But I think about other couples, to have sex a women generally needs an emotional connection, for men to give anything emotional, they need sex so I theorise that it’s why a lot of women say no to sex with their partner because he’ll want sex to feel close to her when he is being a dick & she needs that emotional connections prior to just having sex. The last five years when Phoenix was Marvel (& lets face it, acting like Marvel now!) we didn’t have the emotional connection – I mean we did, but we didn’t verbalise it. As I am basically a man & for me to feel close to Phoenix & know he loves me or even likes me, is for us to have sex. But this time around it’s very emotionally connected that now I am not getting the connection; I am struggling to cum with him?! Does that make sense or am I babbling?!
But he proves my theory, because by 7:15am, he is gone… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… He has told me when he started this version of the affair, that he set his kids up to be self sufficient to leave them home alone, in fact when they are both at work on the weekend for a full eight hours plus travel they are home alone & he orders them uber eats, but when he’s organised a smidge of time with me, he has to get home to the kids – after less than two hours! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to take time away from his kids, but it’s not like he really does anything with them anyway? They don’t play sport or do dance, they play video games or watch YouTube, he’s taken them to the park & the beach before & sent me pictures so I’m not saying that they don’t do anything with the kids, I am just saying that at 7:15am, they probably aren’t even up & all he has to do today is his grocery shopping… But somehow when spinning me so much bullshit about wanting to see me as much as he can & wants sexless dates, he’s not really doing a good job of proving that to me…
He does offer up a café lunch tomorrow, I say that I don’t want to take time away from the kids & he has the podcast also to record & other shit to do, but he says “I always have shit to do. Some of that shit is you though. The podcast is in the morning.” Honestly the conversation gets confusing because he’s saying tomorrow will be better but then that’s the whole day away from the kids & he says that nothing is open today – which they are, every café is open for breakfast… We end up picking a place for today, close to him so he isn’t far away. I still don’t understand why he had to rush off this morning after an hour, if he’s meeting me now – I just don’t understand him sometimes.
We get to the café, parking near each other & we walk hand in hand before finding a seat & sitting down. I don’t know if it’s my vibe or his, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be there. I try hard to just push that out of my mind & I order & pay for his breakfast to repay him for Hahndorf when he paid for lunch. I have worn a low cut top so I open my jacket to try to elicit something from him but honestly, it feels forced & even when I try to touch him it just feels like he doesn’t want to be there. The second I finish eating, because of course he finished long before me, he jumps up ready to go. I am deflated again & get up to walk with him, he does walk a different, longer way back to our cars, holding my hand. We kiss at the cars before he says he has to go.
Later that day we are chatting & I noticed a photo we’d both sent each other which were around the same time, early 2000’s & we were in the same rotunda at a park. He confirms that he was at a wedding for his dad’s side & I say that I was at my parent’s wedding renewal & it surprising that we took so long to meet being we were in the same area, he dated someone I worked with, we like the same music & we were seemingly in the same places a lot… It’s like the universe wants us to be together – though someone said to me, or is it the universe telling you that you shouldn’t meet because it puts you in the same places but you never actually meet… Hmmm, interesting!
I tell him that the night I was at this rotunda was the night I got together with Boyfriend, & how we were officially together was him telling people at a NYE party that I was his girlfriend… Phoenix asks if we were discussed if beforehand, which we didn’t so Phoenix thinks that is odd, I mean I know no different, so is it odd? I reply “Hahaha, you’re the only one I’ve ever discussed it with & had the “do you want to be my boyfriend” question…” Which he has to believe because he knows I have been single basically my whole life. I say it’s probably why I’m not a good girlfriend but he says I’m not as bad I think I am, to which I reply, “Besides you tell me I’m a typical grumpy girlfriend all the time.” I don’t want to be grumpy or have him call me grumpy, I know I get moody but most of the time its because I miss him & he’s not giving me any reassurance. “well you have become one now 😛 its annoying sometimes. maybe your work life is affecting your overal moods though who knows.” No Phoenix, maybe it’s you changing the game & then pulling away leaving me confused?!
I explain that it’s the way he’s been talking to me & that he didn’t really touch me at breakfast, I say that I tried to hard to feel some reassurance from him but I just ended up giving up trying to feel anything, he says that he held my hand & kissed me while walking, “I have not backed up, just legit busy, I do work part time, full time parent basically, and work in social media. but I am trying my best to fit you in. and my part time hours have picked up since the other store shut down too. I only worked 3 days a week for the last year until tthe last few months…. and didn’t give a fuck because I could just post shit to fb and earn money and work on side projects. now sometimes I get one or two days off a week like a full time fucking worker.” I work full time with a longer commute & had a side hustle, I do all the cooking, cleaning & gardening, so don’t give me that shit since you were doing all of that before, he has definitely backed off. I say that maybe I should write a blog about it, because then he understands how I feel, “I understand how you feel….but I can’t give you everything. I made that clear from the start.” No he did fucking not make it clear from the start! In fact he said he is committed to this, to putting in effort, & he did, until he got me hooked, maybe he thinks he is putting in effort & look, I agree that he is compared to the last five years, but it has certainly dropped off since he commenced this less that three months ago!
He is definitely different from when he started this A3V2.0 “I don’t think I talk to you any differen’t… I also talk almost daily on the phone to you…. I did try and take your feedback and let you know if I’m going. or if I thoought I would not be able to stay up to risk you not looking like an idiot…. but all that did was annoy you too haha! and I really do fall fucking asleep with minutes often before 10pm….. sometimes 9pm. I fucking hate it, I hate wasting time sleeping, but my body just caves in. I want to stay up and talk to you I simply just can’t sometimes.” I say that he should go to bed & to forget I said anything “argh I don’t know what to do. Clearly you want more from me. I can’t just forget things.” I never asked for more of him, he offered that up, willingly, now he’s changing the game again. He’s missing what I am saying… I just say go to bed, he says “Well I will go to bed now. and think about it. and worry about it. and think of yo. so Goodnight IBD4U x” But it won’t effect him like it does me… I say goodnight & that I’ll just be annoying, he says “haha you are allowed to be annoying. I’ll think about you as I fall asleep!” Oh am I? Because I’m now feeling like I can’t actually express my feelings…. The interesting thing is, that’s no a surprise, is that he says he’ thinks about it, worry’s about it, but he never changes or gives me any reassurance.
01 June 2025 – He records the podcast with the chick this morning & says that she didn’t really do any research & he says it felt lame. I mean I can understand why, having tried to so one myself, it can feel very forced, it needs some structure or a good dynamic like breakfast radio. I thought she was super keen to do this podcast? “I know she’s put money into it , messages me every 2nd day when I ignore her haha, but rhen we organise a day , with like 4 days notice she does no preparation and I do it all haha.”
He randomly calls me, having sent the kids outside to play on the trampoline while he cooks dinner, so we talk for a while. Which definitely helps me feel more connected but it’s just a short time where I feel connected. I know he then texts me after we chat on the phone, so he thinks it’s enough but I am only in love with one person, I only want to speak to him & see him. Maybe it’s because he’s got someone else to talk to as well that he doesn’t see that he is not putting in as much effort as he did at the start?
We talk about sex, I guess we always get onto this topic because I know that he will engage in this conversation, I won’t get grumpy because he’s said something awful or logged off, he says that he does find me incredibly sexy even if I don’t cum, but I say that I hope that next time I don’t get a hatrick & I cum with him. His suggestion is insulting, “Maybe you don’t find me attractive anymore ?” I find him so sexy, so hot, such a turn on & I get wet, so drippy wet, wouldn’t I be dry if I didn’t find him attractive?! At the time, I thought it was vitamin B complex, which I had run out of & just started taking again, but now looking back as I review these posts I wrote, I am wondering if it was the connection fading with him that made me lose my orgasms. I’m reminded of Samantha Jones in Sex & the City when she loses her orgasms because she can’t cry… https://www.instagram.com/reels/C5u1k5GvmNU/
I feel like I am at risk of losing him because of my moods or he’s going to hurt me so badly again, but I never want him to think that I don’t find him attractive, “Phoenix, I want you to know, before you go offline, that I genuinely find you so sexy & I am so turned on by you, I find you so hot…. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t think you’re the hottest man ever – despite what you think… I love your body, I love the way you make me feel…. I love you.” & all he says is that he loves me too.
Later, we talk about the breakfast, I felt like he didn’t want to be there & now reading back I realise that he wanted lunch today instead of breakfast yesterday, but he was the one that said fuck it lets do it. I mean I was expecting him to stay after he fucked me & go to breakfast from my house, not rush off after an hour. “You called me beautiful yesterday… And said I was sexy…” Which did turn me on, “Yet you still whined I didn’t touch you enough at breakfast.” Because touching me while having sexy & saying nice things isn’t the same as when you’re out for breakfast. “We had sex in the morning… held hands the entire walk… made out before we went out ways … and you Whinge we didn’t touch during the actual breakfast.” But a month ago, when we sat too far apart, he moved to sit closer to me, to touch me, to rest his head on my head & kiss me… He gae me the reassurance I needed, to let my guard down, “Wasn’t intentional… you are just over thinking things.” Maybe I am or is he just gaslighting me?! We were at the café for 40 minutes, he says that’s a lot of time, but I spent more time driving there than I did with him. “I thought you didn’t want to take me away from my kids too long ? I thought it was worth it and loved having breakfast with you ? I’m glad we had a little breakfast date and loved seeing you. Fuck me you are frustrating 😕 You spent the same amount of time driving as the date … I’m sorry if you felt like seeing me was a waste of time..” I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time & I don’t want to take away from his kids, then he says “I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you.” Oh fuck… He is being so honest now & fuck that really hurts that he didn’t want to be there… Why didn’t he just say he couldn’t come?! Why didn’t he just push for the lunch today instead… Fuck, now I feel like even more of a dick for pushing to go & also now for saying anything about the date after the fact. I should have just kept my mouth shut… FUCK…. This hurts so bad… He didn’t want to be there… FUCK.
“I have badly estimated how much you love our dates ! The dates were My idea don’t forget! I was scared to ask you for the first one in fear of rejection that you wanted to spend a day fucking me instead!!! At what point during our walk did I make you feel I didn’t want to be there or touch you ? You forget i have adhd … I can’t sit there forever at a Cafe and just chill too for too long .. I want to get up and do something even if it’s just a walk or something. I’m not one to sit still for long peroids … I’m that bad..” I am crestfallen, I feel like a twat, “I didn’t want to date because I knew it wouldn’t be able to last & we were built on sex. I’m sorry I made a big deal about breakfast once I’d already seen you. I didn’t realise you didn’t want to go.” I put my phone down feeling like the worlds biggest fuckwit! He didn’t want to be there & I fucking pushed it. “You out of all people should understand how my brain works in a setting of just chilling at a Cafe 😛. I’m not joking when I swear I have adhd … Or just following the social media / doctor trend. Anyway I’m going to head off line , and because I’ve got early start I might no come back online. Do not miss me too much 😛. Chat later xox.” I don’t reply or read it until I start getting messages later on that night, he replies to his message that said ‘I didn’t wanted tto be there and see you’ which says “ Shit, This is a typo! I did want to be there and see you ! Fucks sake !!! Omg fuckkkkk. I love going on dates with you IBD4U!!!”
When my family leaves, I tell him that I don’t want to make him anything he doesn’t want too & that I’ll let you organise what we do, in future. “I fucked that up. That was a typo!! I swear I wanted to be there with you …” But I tell him not to worry about it & he says that he does worry & I mean I do too, I don’t want to be an obligation, on top of his busy schedule. “You are not an obligation. I want to see you and make time for you.” His words say he does, but his actions are saying he doesn’t.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 