August 2025 – Birthday
06 August 2025 – I asked late last night & we talked about it on the phone yesterday about the internet to my house, they have upgraded it but I still have to do something with the provider to upgrade the speed to my house. But the geek conversation gets him chatting & giving me advice about what to do & keeps the conversation light… I guess this is what I have to do now, is not show my feelings when he treats me like an option because it pushes him away more… Another thing that keeps him chatting is talking about fisting. He asks if I really want him to do it, I mean I don’t know what pleasure it’ll be for me, but if he wants to try I am open to it. As always sex sells because he talks to be consistently today without having a fight even when we tread into dangerous territory about fantasies & how much I did everything he ever wanted, I wait for the public toilet to come up but it doesn’t. But after a couple of phone calls today we end up in a fight about the fact I didn’t use condoms with some men, really quickly & apparently Phoenix seemed to think he was the only one I didn’t fuck with a condom… I don’t know where he gets these fucking ‘special’ things from. I never once said anything about condoms being special or not using them quickly with other men… “I don’t think of condoms as a token of my feelings for the guy or anything of note… I used them with most people & some I didn’t. End of story. I NEVER got or had an STI, like some people… Other people you may know!! Clearly fucked without a condom… But she’s your wife & mother of your children, so it’s ok… I forget. I’m the mistress so I’m the slut.” I say goodnight & log off.
07 August 2025 – He says good morning & I try to not be angry as tomorrow is my birthday & so I tell him stuff about work & the previous General Manager. There is so much I am learning about this workplace, which is scaring me, but also I am feeling good about it. We call & speak for ages – three hours to be exact, on my way home & when I get home before I have a work event. We talk a lot about my internet connection, which like I said yesterday, keeps him chatting & interested in talking with me. After we hang up, I say, “Fuck mate. You definitely met your word quota today!!” He doesn’t read it or reply, for once, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t say goodbye over text before I don’t hear from him again.
08 August 2025 – When Phoenix & I started this Affair V2.0, I didn’t think it would last this long if I am honest. But about a month before my birthday, I realised that it’s on a Friday this year meaning that he 100% won’t be able to see me & he will barely talk to me – he will 100% log off, mid conversation & not chat to me until he just rocks up at my house, because tomorrow he’s planned to see me, so he won’t message me in the morning, of course! But during the damage control period, he told me that he’s got a mega long shift on the Friday of my birthday, that I am happy about it knowing that I will at least get our 30 minute phone call. I am trying to relax about the texting because our relationship has evolved to the daily phone calls so we don’t text as much, I mean we both work but because we make time in other ways, does it really matter that we don’t text as much as we used too? I enjoy the calls everyday & honestly, it makes me miss him less because I’ve gotten more than just a text message that day – does that make sense?
I get a very bland Happy birthday message, I wasn’t expecting a lot but thought I might get an emoji or a kiss or a cute name, but he sends, “Good morning and happy birthday for today!” I say thanks, I am happy he remembered (probably because snapchat has a little birthday cake icon next to my name) but also disappointed that there isn’t any love in the message at all, that makes me kinda wish things were like they were last year, when he didn’t even know when my birthday was… It’s like a message you send your friend, not your girlfriend, your lover, the person you communicate with the most… I try not to dwell, though I feel like at the beginning of this V2.0 he was very vocal about his feelings, now I’m barely lucky if I get xxx or even just one x on messages. Let alone him telling me that he loves me or something nice about my appearance. It’s kind of like the six months we’ve been doing this is equivalent to the eight years we’ve known each other & we’re already in that comfortable stage which is usually when someone loses interest because as humans we seek that validation all the time so we seek it with someone new who will give it to us. I’m not saying I’m going to go out seeking that, I’ve sought that for many years from someone other than Phoenix & Phoenix is the only one ever in my life to stick it out & be brutally honest, that I can generally tell when he is lying to me. I’m not saying he’s never lied to me because I am certain he has – in fact conversations we have now show that he lied to me a lot when we had ended the first time.
He asks if the new job know about my birthday & they have added some balloons & some chocolates to my desk, so it’s cute, at least they did something. Why he decides to bring up my blog today, I don’t know but he asks, “Oh least they decorated for it you ! Haha so back to your blog ! You have started calling yourself a masosist Is that in regards to you enjoying pain during sex? Or just poor choices in regards to pursuing relationships, companionship or sex in general ?” I’m already sad I’m not going to see him today why would he ask this, “A little from column A, a little from column B. I don’t want to be someone alone forever, I don’t want to be… What did you call your wife’s best friend yesterday… ‘A sad single woman.’ So I keep looking & going back to guys because I felt like there was something there… Every time I was very mistaken.” I wish I was different, which is why I hate him reading my blog & psychoanalysing me, but having it up, he talks to me more… Even if it does make me feel shit about myself on my birthday, “Ive never thought of you as a sad single woman btw haha. Always cool, even after reading your blog, I do find it fascinating the psychology behind a woman that hasn’t had a long term relationship in many years however. Like how important it was to you to get sex on new years or something like your birthday that in most most long term relationships doesn’t happen or important. Married couples dont have sex on new years or even someone like that me that has had multiple long term relationships. I did know single women were most vulnerable and will to drop their values during the holidays peroid however … not sure why I know that. Eg make a poor choice and sleep with a married man.” Well that haha at the end of saying he doesn’t think I’m a sad single women says otherwise… “I have always been very concious, even though we dont see each other very much, of us being boring… I worked so fucking hard (more than you realise or is in my blog) on keeping things different every time…” He will probably never know how scared I am of being boring, if I am honest, that is my biggest fear now being boring & him just fucking me because he has too & talking to me because he feels obliged. “Well I kept things different despite never reading your blog until jan… I do find it odd however in regards to Milky… This guy introduces you to you to a kinky side… Basically stop looking for people to date or hook up with. Gives you the best sex ever to that point. Yet he gets like 4 entries… And very little sexual stories , literally just him doing some minor moves in a sentence. And an two entries regarding anal (finger then cock). You even stopped using a condom with him apparently. And saw him for 5 months. But in the end he literally gets fuck all entries for that time. And no detailed sex stories.” When I was seeing Milky, the blog wasn’t even on my radar, it wasn’t until he was long gone & things were over with Noodle before I started writing, so I think as you see my sex life evolve in the blog, you can also see my writing evolve. I mean I think with Milky I wouldn’t say vibrator, I said that he had a massager… “Becsuse firstly while he introduced me to a kinky world that I wanted to explore, but we actually never really did anything that kinky. He tied me up once. Maybe twice. I also never screenshotted anything because I wasn’t writing my blog at that time so I wrote most from memory… We had very repetitive sex.. And as you get further in to stores which go on a little longer, I do stop looking while I’m ‘seeing’ someone because I don’t really want to just fuck anyone or anything. The sex with him, while he did a few things to surprise me, was always him standing at the end of the bed, with my legs on his shoulders… Literally. Every time.” Phoenix thinks he should have gotten more entries & maybe he should have but like I said it was over a year later that I started writing about it so I had to rely on my memories & with Milky, I was usually wasted. I mean look at how short they were in the start of the blog, less than 500 words, now they are usually over 2500 words. Phoenix says I was always sober with him & the fact that even after all this time & what a seasoned drinker I am, Phoenix has never seen me drunk, only tipsy online, which is a first. I have never been sober around someone so much ever, even with Boyfriend.
I say that I can’t believe some of the things I have done with him sober, I mean fucking at the train station or in the car wash, at least I was skinnier but the forest fuck now I am fatter surprises me but he says, “you are not that fat “ which I say thanks for adding that. He says he did that on purpose “Yeah cos you think I’m fat. Especially now your wife is skinny.” Which interestingly, he never denies that she is skinny… & that also solidifies my assessment of his pulling away, she’s lost weight & feeling better about herself so fucking him more & I still fuck him but am really down on myself so she’s the more positive one for a change.
We talk on the phone twice at both his breaks, before we hang up, I mention that my parents usually take me out for dinner every year just the three of us, but this year they were supposed to be away, so I had no plans. I have bought everything to make a chicken lasagne thing because I am not sure that Phoenix will plan this picnic for tomorrow, that he wants to take me on & because I don’t ever had a lot of food in my fridge in case he doesn’t organise anything, I think this will be a good option, what a rocking birthday evening, making food for Phoenix! Then last minute, my dad texts happy birthday & says that if I am free for dinner that they are going out with my sister & brother plus their families. Are you fucking kidding me?! It’s my birthday & I’m the last to be invited? Phoenix agrees with me & thinks that’s fucked, the noise he makes when I tell him that they are all going, validates my feelings on how shit this made me feel. My dad says it’s because it was a surprise. I said ‘surprise I’m busy!’ I end up going because I don’t want to be alone feeling shit about my life & 44th birthday. I make the lasagne & go out to dinner. Unprecedented, Phoenix comes back online tonight, talking for a short time about his Facebook page & the fact that Chelsea Handler has contacted him to do a collab, (which turns out to be a scam), he says that google took the monetisation away from his blog because they say that he faked clicks, which he says he didn’t & that Guy Sebastian’s team contacted him too. Before going I ask him is he has anything to say to me & he says “Happy Birthday fuckhead !” saying he’ll see me tomorrow. No hugs, no kisses, no I love you, not even love you or luv ya… I have never felt so insignificant in my life.
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 