August 2025 – Enough is enough
17 Augst 2025 – When I know his roster, I wake up, usually early because of the dogs, but of couse, I know he’s awake he started at 6:00am yesterday & 7:00am today – he gets up usually two hours before he starts work, but both days, I don’t get a message till an hour into his shift. I wake up, look at my watch & there is nothing from him day after day, that my heart sinks. I literally wake up thinking about him, it now takes him hours to think about me, after being offline since midday the day before. Or even after school drop off the day before.
He doesn’t get it & no matter how much we talk about it or I tell him how I feel, nothing changes, it just puts more of a wedge between us. Yes I am putting that wedge with saying goodbye as soon as I know he is home with his family, but I have only been doing that for a week, Phoenix has been driving me to this for over two months & we’ve only been in this A3v2.0 for less than six months.
Perhaps I am moody from the electrician, perhaps I have just let this build up so much that I knew I was going to snap & look crazy to everyone. But looking back I can see that this is a bit unhinged, but when you’re in it & you feel so fucking insignificant to the man that you give everything you can too, it’s hard not to be reactive but it’s like I finally get clarity & I see what he’s been doing for the last two to three months…
I could message first but you know what, he’s up way before me all the time & if I know he’s up & not messaged me, then it’s up to him to message me first, I obviously am not as important as he told me I was. One thing I am surprised about is that he never says that I could message him first… I mean I do, but I haven’t been up since 4:30am & at work since 6:00am. We caught up for lunch yesterday – I was in a mood & I was going to say something, but I didn’t. At almost 8:00am, he says “Good morning” I told you the nickname thing wouldn’t last, didn’t I? I had drafted a message ready to send when he finally logs on. I sit on it for an extra 30 minutes thinking I probably shouldn’t be like this, before I think fuck it, maybe me putting it out there will shake this up? I send my prepared message, “Morning. You’ve unofficially been doing it & I should’ve seen it earlier because it’s been perfectly obvious, I am more into this than you… So I didn’t want to believe it. I guess I’ll officially say it so I can stop thinking about you from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep, being sad when I know you’re awake & at work for hours but haven’t messaged me so I clearly am not in your thoughts like you are in mine – you are the only busy one in this relationship afterall. We can go back to how we were, seeing each other maybe once a month & just chatting when your busy life allows. I’m not an obligation, so you are free to do as you please. Message when you want/can, I’ll reply when I can. I will stop putting pressure on you to be more than just fuck buddies.”
It hurt to write & it hurts to send… & it hurts looking back that I said I was more into this than him – I regret saying that, his ego did not deserve it & I meant it, as in I was more commited to making an effort than he is. I have never expected much from him besides communication because we can’t be together or talk all the time, we need to communicate our availabilities – he said he wanted to talk more & proves to me every fucking day that I should have held back! Blaming me, in his usual narsicistic attitude that I am the one being pissy & crticising. I know he won’t fight for me, it’s not a test of ‘if you love them, set them free’ bullshit, this is genuinely me trying to let my head – then maybe one day, my heart, be free… “I dont want that. But I cant message you as much as you want me to, and really wish I could 😕” I read it & I don’t reply – what is there to say, besides something bitchy at this point… He doesn’t try to reach out to me again either, as predicted, he won’t fight to keep me in his life… I said message when you want/can, I will just leave the ball in his court.
Then just as suspected, I don’t get any other response from him all day or an attempt to call me at his break, nothing from him again. He won’t fight for this, I’m not playing Russian roulette, I am not doing it for a reaction from him, this is exactly the reaction I expected from him. I am doing it so I can be free, so I can move on. I have thought of this man as my boyfriend, my best friend & he has pulled away for months, only really giving me one or two months of true ‘missing me’ actions, the closer I got, the further he pushed me away with old & new excuses over & over – that he can’t talk to me all the time (I’ve never asked for that), that he is so busy (like I am not), that we talk on the phone more than we text now (agreed) & also that he falls asleep so early now as he’s an old man. (but he used to wake up to chat to me, now I’m not worth that!)
What he doesn’t get, is that this has nothing to do with him much time he spends messaging me. He shows me time & time again that he doesn’t care & that he has no intentions of even trying to factor me in a 24hr period anymore. What bothers me, is I am again the only one putting in effort. He won’t come to my work as I’ve said before, he obviously can’t just come to my house – I have to go to him. I drive 20 minutes for his 30 minute lunch break, take him a home made, heated up lunch that I make from scratch – when I don’t even cook for myself & then drive 20 minutes home – just so we have time together. I didn’t ask for V2.0. He asked for it, in fact he demanded it, he defined the terms & now he’s changed them & is surprised why I get upset when he treats me like an option.
So if you’re not on the same page as me & on the page with Phoenix, I’ll explain further, maybe repeating myself. I don’t expect & have never asked for him to talk to me all the time. I have asked him to communicate when he is going to go offline while mid conversation & he cannot do that, so I have been signing off when I finish work so I don’t spend my drive home, being pissed off knowing he is available to chat but doesn’t. It’s on me for getting annoyed that he doesn’t message when I know she is at work, but someone who has to literally leave my last message unread because he wanted to talk to me as much as possible but had to go quickly, doesn’t compute to me. If you really want to talk to me as long as you can, much to the detriment of a goodbye to me, he would come online when he wakes up – like he used too, not an hour into his fucking shift!!!
Fun fact: (as he says) The last time I said I love you was on 9 August 2025 thanking him for my birthday weekend, but I got a “love you too” the next day – only in response to me because he logged off so quickly the night before, not reading my messages. The last time he said he loves me without me saying it first was 18 June 2025, however he also called me crazy because I was pissed he’d been at work for a while & hadn’t messaged me all morning… Sound familiar?! What’s the worst part about this is that he said at the very start he only thought we should say it when we feel it… How dumb I’ve been to not notice that he’s no longer in love with me…
I can’t help but wonder, did he push me to go for this job, knowing that I had apprehension about it because it would take up more of my time, that it would be better for him because I wouldn’t be thinking about him as much? But no matter what I do, I am always available or make myself available because I know that his time is limited. So in this new job, that will be no different, I make time for him. I always do. I am a sucker.
I have never asked for more than better communication. I have never asked for him to leave, I have never asked for his undivided attention – besides jokingly on a call because he is always fucking making so much noise & then mumbles into the phone so he has to repeat himself ten times. I just don’t believe he has to be offline for 23 hours now, when he didn’t have too before, but I have stopped letting that bother me. I have never asked him to spend money on me, in fact when he does, I feel weird about it because not only does he tell me how much everything costs, he reminds me often & always says they have no money, despite having a quarter of my mortgages & two incomes. Should I start mentioning how much each meal costs that I make him – including a drink & snacks plus my petrol & wear & tear on the car?! All I have ever asked for is better communication. I have even told him because we don’t get to see each other that often we need to communication better, our fights go on for a week because we don’t get to resolve it. I am done with it.
On this day – I take myself to a jewellery store having seen a ring I would have wanted as my engagement ring, which on a super special, still close to $1000 but super reduced. I buy it. I don’t over think it. I want it. I always wanted a ring on my finger, more than a wedding. I wanted to look at my finger & know I was chosen. I plan to wear it on my ring finger. Trying it on, alone, on that finger, the woman at the store is wonderful but later asks what’s the occasion, I simply said ‘I’m not getting married, so it’s my engagement ring to myself.’ Phoenix has given me a bracelet with love on it, saying that he wants me to look at it & it remind me of his love for me. I look at it & I don’t feel loved. I look at it & I feel like he bought a piece of jewellery for our anniversary while buying his wife jewellery for her birthday too – which he says he got her a massage voucher but who knows what is true. He proved to me on my birthday by defending her & getting so pissed off that he loves her. So this bracelet is not special like I thought it was. I am not special to him. He thinks he’s not special to me because I had sex with someone in a public toilet. I’ve never been special to him. I’m not the first person he ever loved. I’m not a person he bought a house with. I’m not a person he proposed too. I’m not the person he married. I’m not the one he had kids with. I’m not the one he has pets with. I’m not the one he’s even spent a night with. I’m just a criticising bitch on the other end of snapchat. I am not special in anyway to him… This ring will be. Just like my pawprint tattoo on my wedding ring finger. This has made me happier with no tears that you ever can imagine. It’s a pity I can’t really afford a fucking ring now & because I needed a ‘teeny tiny’ size according to the sales lady, I have to wait four weeks before I get it. But I cannot wait for the reminder that ‘I can buy myself flowers, Write my name in the sand, Talk to myself for hours, Say things you don’t understand, I can take myself dancing, And I can hold my own hand, Yeah, I can love me better than you can.’ Yeah Miley, I’ve been doing it for 20 years… What’s another 20 years?!
18 August 2025 – As suspected, not a message, not a call, he’s not even showing up on my maps – not that he has been showing up recently anyway. 175 days since A3v2.0 started, it’s the first day that we don’t speak at all. Snapchat makes fun of me by sending ‘YOUR 136-DAY SNAPSTREAK ENDED.’ I don’t know if he worked today, she normally works late today but she didn’t the other day so I don’t know if she’s at work or not. I am so sad. So incredibly sad that he never fights for me. I did not do this to see if he would fight for me, I already knew his reaction would be to guard himself & not speak to me – I don’t know what from because he’s got a whole other life so if I don’t message him, clearly it doesn’t matter to him & he’s shown me over the years that he can go weeks without messaging me & it doesn’t affect him.
I consider sending him an email explaining how I feel. But I’ve told him countless times, he just thinks it’s because he doesn’t message me enough. No it’s about feeling wanted & that he does actually think about me. I wake up, looking at my watch for a message from him, knowing he has been up for hours & I have nothing. He has no fucking idea what that feels like because I always write back almost instantly, like a fucking fool.
Going back to chatting sporadically & seeing each other once a month will help me regain some of my dignity again… I am the only one putting in effort – he will say he is, but even at work now, he’s SOOOOOO busy because they are cutting costs that he doesn’t message me that much. He doesn’t come any further than my house anymore & when he did come to work when I worked closer, he’d tell me about 400 times how much it cost or his car isn’t registered or some other bullshit that just made me feel bad about coming to meet me for lunch.
19 August 2025 – I cave & message, “I really miss talking with you… 🥺”. I hate myself instantly for the fact that he doesn’t write back & that he seemingly hasn’t even downloaded snapchat onto his phone today… But when he does write back, he says, “I thought you didnt want to talk because all it does is make you angry when you cant talk to me.” I say that I didn’t say I never wanted to talk again, he says that we are still talking. Then he calls me. I don’t know what we talk about, but I know that he would feel attacked as he’s told me he feels criticised by me & I tell him that I feel invisible… So what do we do here?! He says multiple times that he doesn’t want to go back to how we were, only chatting sporadically & catching up monthly, I am reassured by this revelation that he really wants to put in effort… I hope it’s true & I want to stop being so moody about how little regard he has for my feelings.
When we get off the phone, he senses that he should messages first, “I just hate fuckin you off all the time 😕” I hate it too… “Well from now on, I’ll just respond to messages, I won’t initiate anything or expect anything. You can message when you’re awake enough or not sleepy. You can go 24 hours. You can 48 hours. Whatever. You’re in charge, as you always have been If you ever want to catch up, again, let me know.” & he does his signature move, “Ahh okay well I will message you when I can. Chat again soon x, going off-line for the day.”
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 