21 & 22 March 2025 – Loyalty
He says that I once told him in person about the blog. I don’t remember this either so I can’t say that I did or didn’t. However I highly doubt I did, given how scared I was for him to find it… I am so fucking scared of him reading it & hating me, that when things are good between us I didn’t post on it at all… When things went bad & we weren’t talking, I didn’t care what happened so I picked up writing again. I may have told him I wrote, but I don’t think I would have said dating blog & I know I wouldn’t have told him the name. If he knew about it too, I’m sure he would have bugged me for it or looked for it at least. I think the name would scare off anyone… Especially since my whole romantic comedy scenario of rekindling with the man at the end of the movie & saying ‘I’ve been dating for you’ before the credits roll, would be enough to scare any prospective male off!
He’s still reading it, “It’s fascinating watching you fall in love and develop feelings but not admit , not only to me, but to yourself.” I mean I feel like a fuckwit looking back & how dumb I was about falling in love with him & not even knowing what it was that I was feeling or believing that he had feelings for me. He will never get this but because the feelings stuff has been what his relationships have been based on, that’s easy for him… That hasn’t been the easy side of relationships for me, sex was easy & the thing I knew. I gave him the thing I thought he wanted – sex, he had the love, the relationship, the kids, the house, why would he want or need anything other than sex from me?!
We talk about Travel Agent. I mention that I never told anyone about what happened until my blog, I had told everyone that I ended things with him because he cut up all his food, when it was in fact, the night he pretended to put on & take off the condom, paired with Travel Agents desire to have a baby. Phoenix dismissive comments that I don’t think are meant the way they come across but because I am sensitive about this story, they really upset me, “Men do that shit all the time … the condom thing. Every woman has had that happen to them.” I don’t want to talk about this anymore… I felt so shit about that night, so bad (at the time – looking back I don’t know why I let it affect me so much) but I did & after that incident, I didn’t have sex with anyone for four years after that & Phoenix has just dismissed my feelings in an off the cuff comment. Just as his wife does to him…. Monkey see, Monkey do, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised, Phoenix openly admits he has no empathy for anyone. But I can’t help but be hurt by him trivialising how I feel – as he does often, about something that was so significant in my eyes, that I just snap “Don’t worry, it’s happened to every chick. So doesn’t matter. Anyway, time for bed. Night ABC.” No kisses, I don’t even wait for a reply before I put my phone down & try to go to sleep, knowing I am going to be tossing & turning all night feeling so trivialised by my best friend, so trivialised by the man I consider – dare I say it, a significant other…
He says the next day that he was trying to make me feel better about it by saying that everyone has had that happen to them so I didn’t need to feel bad about it, but he thinks he must have done a shit job. I think he is just trying to back pedal after he realised how much it did upset me, but he says that he read that entry & realises that it fucked me up & still does to this very day. He just doesn’t realise how his words hurt me & how it’s exactly how he’s treated by his wife, so it surprises me sometimes when he does talk to me this way. I get he has no empathy but fuck his levels of not caring are way higher than I thought – considering how fucking open about his feelings he is this time around. I guess that’s where he & I are different. I try my hardest to make him not feel shit about anything he tells me, I don’t always succeed of course, but it’s never like he does to me. He makes me feel so little & stupid all the fucking time…
We don’t talk a lot this morning because I am still trying not to be pissed off & baking cookies to take for lunch when I meet him after work later today, so when he calls me unexpectedly on his morning break, I assume it’s because he’s going to bail. So I automatically am pissed off more when I answer. It’s not though – I love the surprise call. I admit, just a mundane call, not when I am in bed to have phone sex… Just a call while he is on his break thinking of me, wanting to talk to me – make me feel better just hearing his voice, knowing that he was just thinking he wanted a chat. I hate that he knows just what to do to make me feel better again. Something so simple & I melt. I feel like I have to pump him up a lot that it’s nice that he’s actually doing it for me for a change! It’s so fucking cute & I love talking to him on the phone… Is it because it’s something we’ve never done? Or is it because we somehow have so much to say that texting is not enough anymore? Is it the sound of his voice? Is it just that he wants to talk to me that makes me enjoy it? When he gets off the phone I text him to thank him for calling & he calls me his little nectarine, a weird but cute nickname that makes me giggle. I think back & realise he never called me nicknames, especially the nickname that everyone on the chat app called me & he says that he’s a stubborn dickhead & was never going to call me the name everyone else did.
I am about to leave to go see him for lunch for about an hour. I pack the lunch, which I’ve heated & wrapped in tea towels. I packed knives & forks, salt & pepper, napkins & the cookies. I pack him a Pepsi Max. We’re going to sit by the beach & have a little picnic because we’re not having sex. The weather is cooler but we sit on a park bench in the sun. He eats a lot & quickly, then tells me the cookies are fattening but eats about 4 or 5 of them, saying how good they are. After I pack everything away, I put my legs up on his legs so he runs his hands along them. We kiss, we talk, we eat, we laugh, we touch but we don’t have sex… I want him. I want him so badly. It’s weird for me because I know that our friendship is built on sex & online chats, so it’s easy, it’s simple & it’s what I know. This sexless date is new, exciting & scary. So fucking scary… If I don’t have sex with him when I see him, it changes our dynamic… I don’t know how to be anything else with him or any man for that matter. If I allow this sexless date thing to keep going, my heart will be invested. I do tease him to try to get him to give in, but he doesn’t. We don’t get a long time together, probably longer than he was planning about an hour & a half, before I drop him back at his work & at his car. We kiss goodbye & I head off to the shops not having to wait long for a message from him, “It’s nice not doing just sex … I like it … as frustrating as it is… You are fucking amazing … thanks for lunch. It’s hard not to tell you I love when I say goodbye too 🙃” I wanted him so badly, I won’t deny that, but I don’t know if I was so desperate because I didn’t want to let my heart get so involved or because I was so wet & frustrated – of both? I wanted to say I love you to him too, but he said he didn’t want to say it all time. He was the one who said that, I said I didn’t want it to be a habit, but he said he didn’t want to say it all the time. I mean probably because he’s protecting his heart, I say “Yeah I tried not to say it… Then hated myself for not saying it…” My biggest regret of affair one was that he didn’t believe how I really felt about him because I held back because of our situation. I put everything into affair two so he knew how I felt & he pushed me away then got married four days later… So I can’t help but be apprehensive this time especially since he’s told me he doesn’t want to say it all the time. His reply makes me smile, “So I wasn’t the only one?” No he’s never the only one but as always I follow his lead knowing that any day now, he can pull away, could log off for days, just as I’ve let my guard right down.
After a fucking cute & fun, light & cheeky afternoon, I don’t know why Phoenix does it but he starts to pick apart my blog. Particularly about how I think I am loyal but then reminds me that I fucked someone & didn’t tell him when I had told him I wasn’t fucking anyone else. I try to explain why I did fuck someone else, “ I justied it cos while I said I was wasn’t sleeping with others that was true but you weren’t ever 100% mine & I questioned both of our feelings constantly…. That I did those things because I was a fucking idiot not because I’m not loyal or wouldnt cheat on you…” He just says that being an idiot is being disloyal. I am not going to win here. He will never see my side of it. “I think making me feel special and lying about being only guy to degrade you during the first affair or not letting me know I wasn’t the only partnered guy having some sort of online friendship (with sexual undertones) is pretty fuckin disloyal. Oddly you end up telling me the times you kissed or had sex eventually. A loyal person also doesn’t need to justify being disloyal. I’m not a loyal person … I don’t claim to be. I just don’t think you are either, despite your claims. But I also know I was getting to close to you, and I would of looked for any reason to end it or at least create distance….and if you had told me or someone had told me about your good friendships with these other partnered guys on the chat app, or if I read your blog in real time… I 100% would of ended it, or continued fucking you but being very cold with no friendship, or follow of up chat or even time after sex. Infact I was always looking for reasons that couldn’t be justified to end our close friendship. Probally would of saved alot of heartache. I obviously thought to myself anything disloyal you did to me was highly justified able due to our situation and could never hold it against you. And the only time I got close to ghosting you or ending it with you was after the day I spent with you …which was due to varying factors and I felt in competition with others that weekend …and I got the shit end.” Literally being loyal is something I fundamentally hold as one of my values, maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not, maybe I can’t justify my actions away & still consider myself loyal, this crushes me more than any other mean thing he’s ever said to me, “Fine, I’m disloyal, I’m a cheater, I’m a liar & you shouldn’t trust me.” He says that he’s not trying to piss me off “I didn’t say you were a cheater ? Or that I didn’t trust you. I literally just said it was all justfied…. I have made it clear I love you. I no longer hide it. I have fallen in love with you even more again. Since talking to you properly again. Things are going to hurt me in your blog , things are going to upset me… You gotta take the good with the bad. I’m not perfect 🤷♂️” Maybe this is why I didn’t want him to read it? I’ve been saying that he’ll hate me if he does read it, but is it actually because I hate myself for being so pathetic with men for a snippet of their time that I didn’t want him to really see that side of me?
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 