April 2025 – Belly Button
02 April 2025 – The funny thing is that Phoenix says that I was the only one during the first affair towards the end & the second affair was a different story that he was chatting too, because I had Motocross (which I clearly didn’t) he thought it was fair game when he rejoined the chat app to stalk me that he could chat to others. But for me, affair two I was so fucking open with him, spouting how much I loved him so he knew, so he believed me, thinking it would change something between us. But now I realise that he was not in it at all, he was weeks away from getting married, he was chatting to other women who were doing everything they could to piss me off publicly in groups & I sat there like a fucking fool thinking I was actually making a difference. When I realised I wasn’t, I ended it… But of course Phoenix has made up his mind that he was the fool for telling me he loved me in the first affair when I had the same friendship with Rob Rob as I did with him – which is fucking bullshit, I never had the same friendship with Rob Rob & still don’t… He didn’t even know my name for years… Rob Rob & I have the same birthday, but I didn’t know that for years either. I knew nothing about him & the sex talk was usually Rob Rob asking me what I did with Phoenix.
He says “Clearly I had too much competition.” But is he kidding me?! “Clearly you had none, cos I’m still fucking you 8 years later & barely talk to anyone else.” There is no one else, the friendship he read about is 100% not at all like he thinks it is… I tell him he can go through my phone, I have nothing to fucking hide. I barely chat to anyone, Phoenix & I were barely chatting too, I haven’t chatted to anyone regularly in a really long time. He still thinks that I would have fallen for them if they put in more effort… I don’t agree, I was never interested in them like I was instantly with Phoenix. I saw his tiny profile picture & I wanted him. I haven’t ever done that with anyone else ever. If there was such a thing as love at first sight, that was it for me! I don’t even know how we get onto this & fight “How do we have a great time together, make some of the specialist of memories for me, then we go our separate ways & fight over my blog…?? “ For fuck sake… “Well I wasn’t fighting originally… But then I got pissed off. Fyi. I was not thinking about fucking anyone during the last 3 months of our affair…and hardly touching my wife (which is what made her suspect it), hardly pmd anyone but you too. But I was just part of a list of married men 🤷♂️” Sorry, how was I supposed to know he barely touched her?! Firstly she’d just had complications towards the end of he pregnancy & he has to help her with everything, then she just had a fucking baby so she shouldn’t have been having sex anyway but I somehow found out, assuming he told me but I can’t remember, that they had sex three weeks after the baby was born so bull fucking shit he barely touched her in the last three months because of me!
Then it’s like a switch goes off in his head “I’m literally being fucking stupid about something from 7 years ago lol. I’m stupid for even caring about it. I’m sorry for bringing it up again. I missed kissing you so much over the last 2 days.” I agree with him about the kissing, I fucking missed it & I tell him that I am glad he cares but yeah we keep bringing up the past & it’s all we fight about. I wish he could really see past the shit that he is focusing on & see that he is the most special person to me, ever. I wanted this man wholey & soley in my life, forever. So much so that eight years later I am still in this with my walls crumbling, not brick by brick, they all came down the second he said he wanted to make an effort with me. (even if I deny it!) It’s like he’s finally got clarity somehow “At the end of the day every decision you made, or friendship or you just experimenting your sexual side. Lead to you meeting me and fucking me. I’m all part of a big story that wouldn’t happen. If you were not that way.” If I hadn’t been through everything I went through, I wouldn’t have been open to what we became… He realises that I was learning how to be vulnerable, how to love, how to be with someone without using sex to get them to like them, he taught me so much & I needed to go through all that shit to get to where we are today. “You didn’t even know you had feelings for me. You didn’t even know you loved me. I had to tell you lol. And the only reason I told you. Was because it was happening to me.” It’s like he’s read the part where I am still unsure what I am feeling. It’s interesting reading back on that & the evolution of my feelings & when I realised it.
As we talk about how he thinks I got close to ending it with him during affair one, which I did but couldn’t ever go through with it, he says “I think I subconsciously wanted to get caught .. It was becoming extremely hard.” Oh I know he wanted to get caught because he wouldn’t end it with her & he wouldn’t end it with me, so if he got caught it would be up to one of us to end it & he wouldn’t have to choose. She had more than I did to hold him, I was a secret. No one knew about me & he told everyone it was just sex so of course no one in his life was in my side & told him to leave her for me. “I can assure you though. It’s not as easy and simple for me as you think. I would never recommend anyone to have an affair. Unless it’s a once off. And just the whole mind fuck being in love with someone single with no rules and experiencing with sex and trying not to be jealous. And having no right to impose any rules. It’s fucked. And so hard.” I know it’s hard but he chooses to do it anyway & he chooses how he treats me… “And the last 3 months of our first affair and the entire 2nd affair was hard on me, you probally got it way worse however! Yeah it’s even worse for me… It’s why I justify everything you did and the reason why you justified itt. I deserved it .Was part of the deal. I saw it basically as a punishment.. Not intentional on your side…” After finding out stuff he was doing in affair two, I realise now that he was not even interested in me during that time, so I call bullshit that it was hard on him then. Funnily enough he says “If I had it my way during the first affair I would of banned you from anything sexual with anyone haha…no couples , no kink, no single men, no dates. And I was like that around 3 month mark” What he doesn’t realise is that I barely spoke to anyone, went on dates or fuck anyone else, he’s read my blog & thinks I was doing way more than I did. & how could he ban me when he was fucking his wife!! He fucking got her pregnant! Funny as I have this thought, he messages “So I made it a point to never ask that of you. And tried to hide my jealously as best as I could. Even if it made me jealous , or once I got feelings it started to hurt. But I’m sure knocking up my wife hurt you 🤷♂️” His way of dealing with me fucking someone else or talking to someone else was to make me feel bad about it or make me jealous by flirting with someone else, rather than just asking me not to fuck anyone else. I agree that I was hurt & he says “You got hurt the mosr. You always got the worse end. I’m not going to deny that. We never set many boundaries. You did nothing wrong.” Fuck, I can’t believe that he is admitting this shit to me… Who the fuck is this guy?! The one that only a few days ago (maybe a week) was rubbing in my face that he would have fucked Cowboys Mistress & even had her address, but she lived too far away… He’s bi-polar, I can’t keep up, my head is spinning!
Then as he has to go that afternoon, he says “I might leave it here. Cos I’ll be gone soon. And you hate me suddenly disappearing See its hard to say good bye and easier to disappear!” Fuck is he finally getting it? Yeah easier for him to just leave me hanging rather than saying goodbye cos it’s hard for him to do so, “Noooo. I do miss you. All the fuckin time.” Well that’s at least good to know… Hahaha.
Later he tells me “We needed to have that walk. Was a nice thing to do. We didn’t do anything sexual the entire time. We should of done that a long time ago.” I say something that I don’t think he’ll believe but every sexual experience I’ve had has basically been fuelled with alcohol, there are a few sober moments with men, but not many where I haven’t at least had one drink. But ironically, there is one time I have had two alcohol drinks with Phoenix, one wine the first night we fucked & on the day of the threesome, I had one drink because he brought two.
03 April 2025 – I get a good morning message for when I wake up that I say good morning back “I love waking up to messages from you. Makes me smile everyday.” Something so mundane that I think that if we lived together I wouldn’t get so I treasure these messages, because I also think that’s part of what keeps the spark alive with us, is that we make more of an effort because we don’t get to see each other all the time, “I’m glad after all these years a simple morning message still makes you smile !” I wish I was able to be the first to send him messages sometimes but he’s always up just at 4:00am. He says that I make him smile, especially when I call him Buttercup – still trying to find a nickname that I like for him.
He casually adds in “Oh yeah I’m working both days this weekend if you wanted to catch up for lunch on Sunday.” I can see this weekend lunch break date becoming a regular thing, that I even start scheduling my clients after 10:30am on a Saturday so I can make sure that I have time to see him on his 9:00am/9:30am break. I don’t mind going to see him for a shot sexless break, I would have done it every fucking weekend if he asked me too… I hope that by the weekend I will be able to kiss him again, I have missed it & he says “I gotta admit. It was fucking hard not kissing you! And I missed it soooo much.” I think this has a double meaning, not just the last few days but also seeing me & kissing me as much as we have in the last few weeks. Seeing each other a couple of times a week since this weird phase started.
As we’re talking about the fact that I have a UTI from sex this week, which is weird because I am on antibiotics for my mouth, it’s a mild UTI & it’s weird I am so open to tell him, but I want to be more open about this kind of stuff, This is the stuff Boyfriend had a problem with because I wasn’t open about it with him. I remind Phoenix that its probably because he’s started this new thing of rubbing my clit really lightly until I am gyrating my hips into his hand & cumming against him. I say that I think I did go to the toilet, but I cannot genuinely say if I showered or not after he left. It gets us onto what could be the most fucking exasperating conversation we have… “Also that wouldn’t of helped … if you didn’t shower. Your body… or cunt didn’t smell… 🤷♂️ Haha that reminds me. Cowboy thought your belly button stunk when he fucked you. I never told you that haha. I’ve personally never noticed it tho.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK?! “But I’m not going sniffing there either.. Apparently it smelt? The day you fucked him. You didn’t clean it out properly.” Firstly why oh why does Phoenix have to bring this shit up knowing how I feel about my past & why now when we are in a good place, because all it does is remind me how much of a fuckwit Cowboy was & that Phoenix was talking intimate details about me to Cowboys Mistress – but apparently I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone else about Phoenix!!
I don’t even know how Cowboy smelt it & how fucking stinky it must be for him to notice it… “And this got passed onto me lol. Apparently he did somehow 🤷♂️” I don’t think that needed to be said, clearly it got passed around the chat app, I feel like such a fucking fool, the fucking laughing stock of the chat app & I think the thing that is making me the most angry here, is that Phoenix would not have defended me to Cowboy’s Mistress at all, they flirted in the chat app public groups in front of me while having a fucking private chat about my supposedly stinky belly button… This is a new level of humiliation I have never felt before… “So glad I was so popular on the chat app people talked about the scent of my belly button.” So many things over the last eight years with Phoenix have made me feel so fucking stupid, so foolish, so dumb. But this, this is just fucking malicious & invasive, to top it off, this was over five years ago & I am just finding it out now… Phoenix tries to write it off “Hahaha I’m just curious how it even came up in convo between the two… Pretty sure he got jealous haha. She made it out that she was fucking me. So he must of told her out of jealousy.”
So Cowboy knew I was with Noodle but it had ended by the time I even considered meeting him. Then over a year later, Silverlining came back online, finds Cowboys Mistress & even though Silverlining was apparently not putting his persona out there that he is the same person as Noodle, he told her that he’s fucking me. She then realises that I fucked Cowboy once, so she tries to make me jealous & Cowboy tries to make her jealous, all at my expense?! Someone who didn’t know Cowboys Mistress & someone who didn’t know Cowboy was married or had a mistress when I met him… So I am just the laughingstock. Fuck, I understand why Phoenix’s wife was having a good laugh when she made Phoenix bring her to my street under the guise of a panic attack for cheap beauty treatments, while I didn’t do anything to her – I am not committed to her or know her, I understand her vendetta against me, but I never did anything to Cowboys Mistress… I didn’t know Cowboy was married so I didn’t know he had a mistress!! What’s worse, if it’s the person on the chat app that I think it is, I am pretty sure I chatted with her, even sharing a song with her… FUCK. Writing this blog, I feel like such a fucking wanker, that looking back now as I post these, I probably should have walked away from this A3v2.0 with Phoenix right then & there!
#IBD4U
I've Been Dating For You 