Tag: Sex

I can’t even… Yes… Max is back! I am having a shit time at work, I am being micromanaged like you wouldn’t believe, so I am on edge about that… Noddy hasn’t been chatting as much, even before his DV friend came along & all I want is for him to message me. So when I see Max’s face pop up on my Facebook messenger I think what the fuck does he want!

“Hi, you probably don’t want to talk to me again, but I wanted to check, I’d like to be friends still. Kinda don’t really have any friends and could really use one” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. So I know Sweetie isn’t happy & they’ve been on & off again, that she’s seeing someone else & I know they’ve been fighting about the fact she’s seeing a guy & he’s not seeing anyone… I guess the tables have turned & he doesn’t like it! I stare at it for ages & don’t know what to say to him… “Hey, while I have no hard feelings about you & don’t have any problems with talking to you, I also don’t want to be used now because you need a friend…!” I’m surprised that he takes some time to write back to be honest. “Fair enough, I deserve that. I haven’t been a very good friend to anyone” Did he really think we were friends? “I mean, we fucked for like 6 months & you weren’t even that good of a friend to me… So I guess I’m not jumping out of skin to give you any more of my time with not even an apology or anything” Like he doesn’t even apologise to me or even show any remorse! “I’m sorry for being a shitty friend. I thought we were friends. I guess I spent so much time on work I don’t even know if I’ve ever been a friend to anyone” Uhhh dur! I was sick of hearing how busy he was at work, remember! “We were friends till you started treating me like I was an option & taking me for granted… You’d do sweet things, like the tied ladybug at the wrong time then never spoke to me again” Remember the tied up ladybug in my letterbox after I get death threats from Noodle’s partner? “I spoke to you to wish you a happy birthday, you’d already blocked me. But your point is valid… I didn’t make any effort and I’m sorry for that. I wanted a friend but I didn’t want to be one. Was selfish of me.” I don’t read it, so that he can see I’ve read it, & I don’t write back till morning.

I go to sleep thinking that the lady bug in my letter box… That was like 2 months before my birthday! 2 months between messages, means we’re friends?! REALLY?! I can’t even believe I am replying at this point, what the fuck is wrong with me… This guy didn’t treat me well, he didn’t treat his wife well… Why am I replying? “I never blocked you. I made a new chat app account… You only ever put in effort till you got what you wanted despite what I wanted…” He asks if I’d be kin enough to forgive him, but look at this point, why should I & what would I get out of this if I did forgive him? I mean I know that Sweetie isn’t happy with him & seeing someone else, so now he’s contacting me because they aren’t happy together? I don’t reply the hours later he tells me that he’s scattered from now sleep. I finally write back “I know… I’m not Sweetie. I won’t put up with bullshit. Though I’m so surprised I actually put up with your bullshit for 6 months… Guess that’s what kinky sex does for me… Turns me into an idiot!” He says’s we’ve all been idiots for sex at some point. then asks “If you’re not busy this weekend, would you like to come to play VR in town & maybe grab some lunch or a coffee?” Would I? I mean do I want to get entwined with this guy again? I mean I really liked him, I definitely cared for him a lot, maybe I cared too much, that’s why it hurt me so much when he stopped talking to me, I mean I had Noodle & was in WAY to deep with him after just a couple of conversations, so of course that hurt way more, but I did like Max, he was good for me at the time. I actually enjoyed our time together & I actually have to thank him because I think if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have believed that Noodle loved me… Hard to explain but I felt pretty worthless for most of my life towards men, wasn’t until Max that I realised a guy could actually like me. If that makes sense?

Anyway, I tell Max that I can’t commit to seeing him right now but he says that he wasn’t even expecting a reply from me & so he’s just happy that I did message him. I don’t want to ghost anyone, but I don’t reply. The next day he sends a hello & happy hump day, but I ignore it. The next day he sends “Went to the big wooden playground after dark. Have to say it looks a bit like a big wooden kinky dungeon” I don’t reply but I send a laughing emoji reaction back to his message. I can’t help but think that it would be fun to go to the wooden playground after dark, but I just can’t think about Max right now. I have Noddy, super cute & fun Noddy (albeit he’s being a bit of a douche right now.) I don’t want to jeopardise anything with Noddy for Max – especially since I know that Max will probably just stop chatting to me in a few weeks, or fuck me then lose interest again.

He messages me when I am about to go on a date & we chat about that, I don’t know why I am oversharing, maybe to make him jealous, I don’t know… I guess I don’t want Max, however, I don’t want him, but I don’t want him to want anyone else. I am so standoffish that I don’t know why he keeps writing to me, he writes long sentences, I write back “Hey” & nothing else.

I ignore several messages “Good morning cutie  hope you had some fun this weekend, and got some rest aswell, so you can smash through next week ” & then other messages that he was at megazone with the kids – wow he does stuff with the kids on his own? Over the course of the next week, these are the messages I ignore…

• Beer o’clock!

#IBD4U

Noddy & I talk about how sensitive we both get when we are tickling each other’s skin or playing with each other’s hair. He says that drives him nuts he gets so turned on, that even just thinking about it with me, he got a shiver up his spine. “Erg… I’m actually all squirmy now.. hehe fuck… I want you” Yeah I want you too Noddy! Didn’t he tell me he’d get in the car? Why isn’t he getting in the car?! He knows I want sex daily, so he knows how sexual I am, that I think this will be the first time we actually have text sex… He sends me a picture & as I go to open it, I assume it’s going to be his dick, he then says “I bet u thought that was gonna be my dick ahaha” Yeah, I definitely did! I say that at this point with him, it wouldn’t bother me, in fact I think his cock would turn me on… But he sends me a naked chest pic next, then 2 seconds later one of him rugged up in his dressing gown. I say he doesn’t need the dressing gown as he is so hot when he sleeps. He says that he usually sleeps in boxers or naked. He pretty much has always put clothes on at my house, I’ve slept naked with him, but he’s always sleeping with clothes on. I think it’s a little weird “hahah I know, lol.. I’m not used to being in another woman’s bed naked for the night” I’m like you’ve slept here many times, I’m not a strange woman. But he says that he wears boxers in case something happens… What the fuck would happen? I say “Good night strange man” & he says “What about spark plug” I tell him that he’s no longer spark plug but strange boy. I tell him that I am not strange but normal. He says “ Fuck off – Normal my ass” but then says he has to start work. I tell him that this convo is not over, I want to know why I am not over. He says “Well for a start you like me… that’s strange ahahaha. Don’t like cuddles, peanut butter… Need I continue” Fuck well that backfired… I wasn’t expecting him to have anything to say to that! Hahaha… I tell him that he gets a lot of cuddles from someone who doesn’t like cuddles… I also tell him “I’m always attached to people who make me laugh, so it’s not unfathomable that I would like you.. Plus you’re alright on the eyes.” I am always attracted to people who can make me laugh, this guy makes me laugh via text out loud & constantly in person…

Instantly he messages me saying he lost respect for someone in the group because he actually read her message about cheating wrong. She was being sarcastic but he read it as if she meant it. I have to explain to him that she didn’t mean it that way & he calms down a bit… WOW he really is against cheating. I mean he should be of course, I know that he was cheated on, but the fact that he will cut people pretty easily is very interesting. I need to be careful with the Noodle story.

I have just learned that Demon broke up with her partner on Mothers day, I am friends with the partner & he’s been chatting to me about it. He’s unsure if she cheated on him or not, she’s told him that she has another guy but refuses to dignify that with an answer, I mean he’s upset she won’t tell him, but it’s not going to help if he knows or not. I guess I am a bit scared at first that she’s with Noddy, but it’s not him… Why am I so jealous of her relationship with Noddy? He’s met her family & stuff, maybe that’s what it is? I wonder if Noddy knows the truth, I wonder if she did cheat & how he feels about it?

I tell him that messaging is hard, so I prefer face to face but that can be confronting. He agrees, I tell him that I was emailing Noodle for months after we ended but if we just had a conversation then it would’ve been done with. He tells me that he’s still messaging his ex about the house & stuff, I feel another pang of jealously. I tell him that I am here to chat if he needs. It’s true I will listen but I am scared that he’ll take me up on that offer & I don’t want to be jealous of his ex-girlfriend… Thinking dumb thoughts, like what if he goes back etc. “Yeah. Trust me, I’ll message you to rant about it hahaha” I say that I am happy to listen anytime. “Yeah its good… Just to know I can message you about anything. And just talk about shit.” I’m so glad he sees me as someone he can talk too…

He decides that I need pictures galore of him to save in my Noddy file. They look a little older, when he seems really skinny, I think perhaps maybe because of drugs, I’m not sure… But he looks much better now. I ask him about his workmates because he is constantly sending me selfie pictures throughout the day, he says that they just laugh but he doesn’t care.

It’s the night before we supposed to catch up, he’s disappeared & not chatting to me or in groups, but when he comes back online he says “Hey… sorry… had a fucked night… Just got a call & my mate is heading down from Berri, she’s run away from a DV relationship” This brings up bad memories for me, I have helped my friend a few times, once her & the kids were dropped off at my house by the police, another time she was living in a shelter for ages, unable to live with me because her partner knows where I live & I wasn’t allowed to know where the shelter was either. I even left work to take her to the police station. I say I hope she’s ok. “I dunno… she called in tears so I said just come here. She can stay the night & talk if she needs” Well that’s good she’s got him, not much else he can do, unfortunately she may make stupid decisions he doesn’t agree with… He tells me he could never raise an unconsented hand to a women, I tell him it’s a vicious cycle & that my best friend hasn’t spoken to me for 4 months, I think mainly because she doesn’t want to see me because she went back to him, but I also think he isolates her by degrading her & making her feel worthless. He apologises for bringing up this & upsetting me. I say that I’ve been dealing with it for 10 years so I am ok, but I didn’t want to make this about me. I guess I just wanted him to know I can help & would be there if he needed advice. He stops replying, I go to sleep, assuming she got to his house.

I wake up I the morning to a message at 4:31 am “Alright… She’s finally crashed out after crying for hours. I’m gonna try to get a few hours sleep before work at 9. Working from home so not so bad” I know this is really really selfish of me, but I know he’s going to bail on me for our movie night… I say good morning & wish his friend well, he says good morning gorgeous says he got a bit of sleep, that he has his mate coming over with his car & that he hopes I have a good day. I had a busy as fuck morning, so I finally write back saying that I’m looking forward to relaxing with him tonight – knowing that he is going to have to bail, which sucks. “Hey at this stage hun she doesn’t have anywhere to go so I said she could stay here a few days.” It’s also almost 1:00 pm & he says his friend has only just dropped his car off & it’s a 6 hour job… So there goes my evening, even if she doesn’t let him go – which surely she wouldn’t want to come between him & the chick he’s seeing. I know my friend would be mortified if she fucked up my plan because she needed me… Not that I mind, but she would be horrified. I can’t hide my disappointment, I knew she would stay there but I figured he’d be able to leave her… Doesn’t she have family or other friends? Running form a domestic violence situation, you wouldn’t want to be around men – I know my friend was scared of all men for a while. Noddy says that he’s rather not leave her with his roommates. “I’m sorry hun can I come see you tomorrow for a coffee date or something just to see you before you have to go this week?” Well at least he wants to make it up to me… I say yeah fair enough, he probably should stay there with her. But I let him off the hook for tomorrow saying that I doubt he’ll be able to leave her so see how he goes…

I go out that night because I’m not going to sit at home alone feeling shit that I was bailed on. Yes a legit reason, so I am not upset about that, I am more upset that he doesn’t even seem to care that he’s bailed on me… Maybe he does, but if I had to bail, I’d be so apologetic & would be locking in the next time… Didn’t he tell me he would lock in the next time? He’d never bail on a woman? He replies as I’m on my way out at 8:00 pm telling me she’s be crying all day, he took her to the police but she wouldn’t go in. He said he’s trying to work on her being ok with his housemates which she seems to be doing well.

I write back on my way home… “I’m glad you’re being there for her, I totally understand & makes me like you more for being a good friend… But I can’t hide my disappointment that I’m always the thing you deprioritise when something happens… So while I’m trying not to seem bitchy, I’m sorry if I am. I’m genuinely upset too” I want him to know that I am sad about him not seeing me. I am not at all trying to make him feel bad. I actually like this side that he is such a good friend… I just hate that it always seems to be at my expense. He reads the message & never replies… Ok so we’re back to that!?

#IBD4U

I send Noddy a picture of me in tights & he says “Erg… Omg woman, those feet… Fuck you are so fucking sexy” I didn’t realise he has a foot fetish. It’s not entirely my thing, but I am happy to explore that with him… We’re still talking about Ripples, when I say “Just as long as you remember who gets to take me home” with a kissy emoji. He says “Oh yeah, I do hahaha, & boy do I like that feeling… ‘yeah well I get to go & fuck that’ I think is what I said to Demons brother” OMG, did he really? Fucking hell.., I thought he’d be more respectful than that to be honest. He says that Demons brother noticed it was a bit weird with Ripples & asked Noddy if he was ok with it. I’m glad that Noddy said he was fine with it. I tell him that any time it bothers him, he should tell me & I will talk to Ripples, which he says he will… I want him to keep coming to Switch with me, I can’t wait to show him my lingerie & outfit for the next one.

Noddy makes some jokes & asks if I have a Ripples photo folder as well as a Noddy one, I say that I don’t but I have a folder called Rope. All my rope pics. He laughs & I tell him that I wish I never told him that I saved his photos like a creep. He asks why & I say that I don’t want to come across as a weirdo… Without asking, he sends me a picture of his camera roll & it’s all pictures that I have sent in the last day or so of me in my lingerie. I laugh so hard. He says that I told him he could save whatever he wanted, which is true, so he’s been saving! That is fucking CUTE AS FUCK… I love that!!! He sends me a picture that he’s edited of me again using a filter then I send him a gif of a creep-o-meter. It’s so fucking cute, I can’t even cope!

The day, the next day after the death, I message him as soon as I wake up, I am not stubborn now. I let him know that I woke up thinking of him & made myself cum before work. I hope that he has a better day. He says that he wishes he could of helped me this morning & that my pictures helped him sleep. He said he went through my folder of pictures & got himself off… I wish he came to my house instead. I kind of curse the fact that I live so far from him & his work because I’m certain that he would stay over if I was closer… I think we’d be much further along & wouldn’t have as many communication issues.

I get a random message from him, later in the day with no context, while I’m at work, it’s a song…

Wasting Time

See I hate myself

For all the things I have done

Berate myself

For all the fights that

I should of fucking won.

But in the end its me who you’ll be missing

In the damn night you with that you were kissing

But now I write these songs

About our life I am dissing

All the love and all the hate

Mistakes that were made

I only fucking wish

I could make you happy everyday

See I’m wasting all of my time

And you see I got nothing

Dwelling in this mind

And I feel like I wasted my

Whole life time

See all these people

Throw me a life line

But I’m too fucking proud

To keep these fucking

People around

Bury me 6 feet deep

Put my life in the ground

Because what goes around

Comes right back around

Bitch I’ll make you scream

But they won’t hear a sound

“Are you ok?” I send. Fuck that’s intense… He’s actually a good writer, I am not surprised though, he does write intelligently to me, besides when he talks he says ‘fuckin’ a lot, but I know this guy is smart enough to keep up with me. He’s a little bogan, but he’s definitely not someone you have to explain big words too… He says that’s it’s an older song that he’s been working on lately. I just say that I wanted to make sure he’s ok because it seemed a bit heavy “You are beautiful. That’s why I like you so much” I mean I do care for this guy already… It’s only been 6 weeks or so, but I am invested… More than I should with the red flags, more than I should being that he’s told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment… But that’s ok, we’re taking it slow, but when he says stuff like that… Fuck I want to see him…

He hasn’t really ever asked me out again – I always have to do it, so I suggest we catch up on the weekend for a cuddle & possible a free movie since I have tickets from when I bought my investment property, I need to use them soon! He says that he’d love too on Saturday afternoon. My heart sinks a bit, that means he won’t stay if he comes over for the arvo. But I hide my disappointment because I want to see him & I guess a few hours at the movie is better than nothing. I tell him I have to work till 4:00 pm but will be home at 4:30 pm & I remind him that I’m away the next week, I tell him this fact so if he considers bailing, he probably won’t see me. Not that he seems to care about that, but my vagina does & I get Horngy (Horny & angry!) He says “Egh… Well l’ll definitely have to see you this weekend” I say that he doesn’t have too see me, because I’m not sure about that Egh at the beginning of his sentence, but he says “Oh yeah I do… I want to see you” ok well that’s good then!

I have just been working out for a couple of hours, sending him a gym selfie & he sends me one where he looks stoned as fuck. I also offer to work out with him, when he says he hasn’t been for ages. I tell him I’ll leave it up to him to organise these exercise dates etc, because he’s the one that say ‘we’ll do this…’ or ‘we’ll do that’ but we never do & I hate it… I’m a planner & if someone says to me they want to do something, then I start planning in my head how we’ll do it… He says that we’ll do the movie. I ask what time he has to leave on Saturday but he says he can stay till whenever that he’s not working on Sunday. I get a little more excited, he’s going to come over late Saturday afternoon, he suggest 5:00 pm so we have time to do stuff before the movies… Stuff eh! Hahaha. We look at a couple of movie trailers & times, he says that maybe he will just tease me before the movie. I do say that the 5 hours of foreplay at Switch was pretty hot. I tell him that I will send him pictures of toys & so I send him my draw in my bed & he says that I’m in trouble. I tell him that I forget what half of it is form being that every guy I’m with says we’ll use it but we never do. He says that we’ll definitely use it all. I remind him about my erotica story of the bar in the Nipple bells, I tell him that that was what my fantasy was about the other morning, he says that he’s read them all a few times, picturing us as the couple. I love that…

He sends me a shower selfie & then one of him in his bloody dressing gown again with crazy hair. I tell him that I haven’t ever seen him with crazy hair, he’s always looking in my mirror to fix it – like Justin Bieber, it only every looks crazy when he’s fucking me & I’m grabbing it… “Hehehe, Oh I fucking love it when you do that” I tell him that I like my hair played with too “Oh I noticed when I play with your hair u turn into a puddle of happy” FUCK, I really have no poker face!

#IBD4U

Here is the seventh instalment of the Mixed bag series… I hope you like these. These are a little bit older but always fun to read… Some more insight into why I am like I am!

Square Bear

I met this guy in 2016, so we’re going back a few years BN (Before Noodle) & still very new to kink. I mean I think I may have even been with Milky or that may have ended. I actually think this was just before I met Noodle & I was just about to start seeing Max…. I don’t even remember where I met this guy either but I know chatted a lot on the chat app.

We literally chat a lot, we chat most days, for a while actually, so much so that I think we should meet because you know what I’m like, I build up a relationship in my head & then the dude is a douche or we just don’t mesh well & then it’s over, causing me to waste so much time with these thoughts of wedding bells – not really but you know what I mean! Hahaha.

We do talk about kink at some point during our conversation, at this point I am looking for more in this world & looking to explore a few things, so it’s a topis that most guys find easy, they usually tell me how amazing they’d be & how they’re dominant etc. I tell him that I have recently been spanked a lot & tied up enjoying it a lot, he asks a lot of questions about what I mean & what I enjoy, why I enjoy it etc so I think that this guy is into this, he will like when he tells me that “I couldn’t ever hit a woman, I wasn’t brought up that way.” Right? What does consensual sexual spanking have to do with the way you were brought up? I wasn’t brought up being spanked & now I have a fetish for it? I get that men don’t want to hit a woman, but I’m not asking him to hit me in a fit of rage, I’m asking him to hit me in a sexual context & I’m actually consenting to it. There’s a very big difference.

Well I don’t need kink, I enjoy it & I would like to explore it but it’s not the be all & end all of my sex life, so I meet this guy for a date. We’re chatting online on boxing day, both hungover & decide that we should meet later in the afternoon for a drink. I meet him & he’s cute, pretty much like his pictures, but he’s not hot, not exactly what I would like, but I’m not turned off.

We chat for hours, having a couple of hair of the dogs before we go home, kissing on the cheek goodbye… I didn’t really feel the spark, didn’t really feel the thing you should feel… I didn’t know it at the time, but only a few months later, I would meet Noodle & feel that thing!

New years goes by & I don’t hear from Square Bear, I don’t message him either, being the stubborn bitch I am. However he does eventually message to say happy new year & that he doesn’t think that we’re right for each other but he really liked me & think that I will find someone, he says that he know she’s a dickhead, that I’m amazing but he basically doesn’t want to see me again.

No hard feelings there, but I would have given this guy a second date at least, I don’t know how these men make such a snap decision with me, I mean I knew that we probably weren’t right for each other, but I definitely would have gone on a second date with him…

Game Show

One of the most mortifying things as a single woman with a lot of friends in couples is the fact that everyone in a couple thinks you should be in a couple. I mean I want to be in a couple don’t get me wrong, but I hate when friends mean well but they can sometimes go over the top.

So I was at a 50^th birthday party for someone that I work with, it was a mad hatters party & I was literally was looking amazing. I wasn’t a hat person so I wore a 1920’s style headband that I had worn to another party a few years earlier. I had a cute short bob hairdo & felt pretty good about myself. I didn’t really want to go to this party alone but other colleagues are there so I will just go & have a good time.

There is one person in my life who I’ve talked about before, her house was that of the infamous Christmas party. She is so lovely & wonderful & means well, however this night she’s had a few drinks & she walks through the party gathering up the single people. I am reluctant to get out of my chair, it’s cold in August at an outdoor party, where I have finally got a seat by the heater, however another friend sort of makes me get up & come with her as she’s being pulled into the garden too.

There are 4 single women, ant marching their way to the bottom of the garden to a fire pit. We get to the place our wonderful friend has led us too & there are 3 dudes, she stands us opposite each other & basically becomes a game host!

OH HOLY FUCK…

I have either blocked it or was too drunk later in then evening to remember, but the game host friend asks us all a different question that we all answer, but then nothing comes of this game. We all go about the party like nothing happened, but standing there, in front of eligible bachelors & answering questions was the worst moment of my single life. I felt so fucking small & some degraded, I know that seems ridiculous but you have no idea what it is like standing in front of a party with them all knowing that you’re fucking single & participating in some sort of weirdo game show at a birthday.

The Bachelor

One thing I haven’t ever done to find love is to go on a dating TV show. For those of you following my Facebook page, you’ll remember that I posted a status ages ago about which show you’d all go on. Most of you suggest Married at first sight, however as someone who’s never been married & I do want to get married one day, I want that more than anything… But I want it to be special not some douche on the tv that is only on their for the fame, only on their for their 15 minutes of fame.

While I assume most guys I meet now at my age will have been married before, I only want to get married once. Marriage means something to me, it means that I am pledging my love to someone in front of all my friends & family. Married at first sight, while I know they aren’t really married, is just making a mockery of marriage in my view.

When I googled, the only show looking for contestants at this time was the bachelor, I set about sending in an application. Fucking hell, they want to know a fair bit about you, the survey took about an hour to fill out, they also want 2 pictures of you, 1 headshot & 1 full body shot. I got through the survey thinking, yeah my story is quite interesting so I may get a look in, however I get to the last page & you have to upload a video of no more than 2 minutes of yourself. OMG What am I going to say about my love life without sounding like a tool – I had just ended with Noodle & was feeling so shit about myself, would I talk about that? Would that be a good story or would I be the home wrecker on the show before people even get to know me?

I also immediately have visions of this video winding up on YouTube like a child star like Justin Bieber at the talent show he didn’t win. FUCK. I never do it. I chicken out… & now reading back on the game show evening, I am fucking glad that I didn’t go on a reality TV show to find love. I know that I would slink away into the background & I wouldn’t have been given a rose on the first night. Those women are all so beautiful, I know that I would end up with my heart broken!

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough, but I doubt it.

Another mixed bag, which I hope you enjoyed!

#IBD4U

The next day Noddy & I are talking about the creepy dude at Switch, he’s talking about punching him if I need him too, but I can handle the guy, I think he’s harmless – a bit of a voyeur if anything. We also talk about the fact his jumper was on my bed & I walked into the room & that I thought he was in there because it smells like him so much, I was actually expecting him to jump out & scare me… I don’t even know how that would be possible unless he broke into my house, which is pretty much impossible unless you break a window. I say that he only wants to scare me because he knows I’ll cuddle him afterwards, he says “Ahaha, yeah fuck oath I do.. hahaha I love your cuddles” Again the L word even though in that context, catches my breath.

It’s mother’s day (so we’re up to May 2019 for those keeping tabs on how close to real life we are…) & we chat quite a lot back & forth, we’re talking about him being a bogan & drinking milk out of the carton, we start talking about our families, he says “Ahaha, you are such a yobbo. Fucking hell, I didn’t doubt you weren’t a bogan for a second, love” I laugh at that, & I say that I am the black sheep but I come from a low socio-economical background, trying to open up the dialogue a bit to remind him I’m just like him, I say that it looks like I’ve got it all together, but I don’t. I’m not posh like I think he thinks I am. I don’t want him to think I am better than him, I don’t want it to be like Noodle how he thought he couldn’t be with me because my house is so clean… I want Noddy to know he can fit into my life if we go down that path. Oddly he never reads the message but he keeps chatting in the group about game of thrones… I am kind of crestfallen about that, I was trying to open up & go a bit deeper with him. I guess maybe that he doesn’t want us to go deep just yet. He never reads the message the whole next day… I think WTF? This is another day now since we worked stuff out that we didn’t talk. I hate that… It makes it awkward again… I guess that’s why the arrangement with Noodle worked so well, we never had this bullshit of who messaged who first – though by the time I was 13 blog posts in I was probably in love with Noodle but pretending I wasn’t… It’s not quite the same with Noddy.

Tuesday morning, Noddy messages me “Morning gorgeous. Hope you have a good day at work. I’m rooted I haven’t slept in 2 days… I just can’t sleep. Gonna go to the docs after work. If I make it that far.” I refuse to read it all day, I am really busy at work anyway so I don’t have time but I am being really stubborn & playing a stupid game. But FUCK! When I open this message I see that my previous message about my history still hasn’t been read… WTF? I send him a screenshot & say “Afternoon… sorry had a flat out day. Why haven’t you slept? & oddly my message never sent Sunday night, you never read it?” He sends me a screenshot back, showing me that he didn’t receive it & I realise that the chat app is just trying to ruin my life!! FUCK, now I feel so bad for not checking the message earlier… I tell him that I thought it was weird that he never even looked at the message & was chatting in my group. He says “Yeah I was like ok did I offend her with my yoboo or was it the love?”

I tell him how shit work has been for me lately & he offers his help, but there is nothing he can do, I had some annual leave that wasn’t approved which has pissed me off a lot & some depressing news about moving teams, which I didn’t want to do, I just wanted to stop travelling as much – because that ruins my dating life. But things were happening without me being consulted & I am not happy about it…

I am in the bath as we have this conversation & I do something so unprecedented for me & send him a full nude I the bath… I never send full nudes, I must trust this guy a lot… Noodle is the only guy to get a full nude of me… “Oh fuck… damn girl… U fine as fuck ahaha” I smile, that’s just the reaction I wanted! The reaction I needed!

When I get out the bath, because things are good, I put his jumper on, I love the smell of it… I send him a picture “Ahahaha… cute as fuck… is my jumper good?” I tell him that it barely covers my butt but is massive on me, he says he needs to see that & I can’t wait to wear it around him… I ask him if he wants panties or no panties, when he says panties, I don’t know why I am surprised by that choice. Then we start talking about the lingerie he’s fucked me in & I send him a bunch of pictures “Oh damn. Fucking hell woman you are stunning” or “You look fucking good in white” (Noodle always loved me in white) or “OMG fucking hell, you are… mmmmm… Damn.” He tells me that I am not helping because he is in the lounge room, rising!

I wake up in the morning & I decide to send him a message first – I don’t want any of these stupid games again…. I’m 37 FFS! He tells me that he’s had a bad morning, that a mate took his own life last night… OH FUCK… This is going to be tough for him, bring up memories & also make him feel like he should’ve known & done something… I’m glad I wasn’t a stubborn bitch this morning & refusing to message him! I obviously offer anything I can including a cuddle after work, he says he’d love one & I hope that he does come over to my house tonight. He says he’d love to see me but he’ll see how he goes. I tell him that I wish there was more I could do but I won’t judge if he wants a cuddle & a cry. He says “Thanks heaps #IBD4U, it means heaps… more than you realise” he tells me that what hit him the most was what everyone would’ve been life if he went through with killing himself… I get that people would’ve been heartbroken, I say even me now, I’d be really upset too.

He posts a message to everyone in the group & it just makes me want to go to his work & hug him “Morning all, Just FYI For anyone & everyone. If you ever need someone to listen, chat to or even just have a fat rant about something my inbox is always open. My real point here is there is no reason to fight life on ur own… there are people that will help you, even if you think there isn’t. I’ll be here… You might not feel like talking to me. But please reach out to someone. I love you all. You are all amazing.” Wow. he’s a genuinely good guy!

We talk throughout the day, I also see in the group that he’s going to get smashed & smoke cones tonight with his friend, so I guess he’s not coming over, I am disappointed that I’m not the one he turns to lean on, but I get it. He doesn’t come over but we chat. I try to distract him with the outfit that I had delivered for the next Switch. I like that I can make plans with him, knowing things are so much better for us… (OMG I’m saying ‘us’) We’re going with the flow, but also planning & really working on the communication a lot more. I send him a picture of me in the new outfit & he sends a gif with googley eyes popping out their head. I then show him some lingerie that I could wear underneath & he picks a black & gold set. I suggest knee high tights, which I’m not sure I have so I go digging around in the draw & put some on sending him a picture of me knee high stocking. I say that I won’t be able to get tied in this outfit, but then ask if he’s ok with me being tied by Ripples, because I don’t want it to be weird for him. He tells me that at first it was but he’s open to it.

I explain it’s just a rope thing with me & Ripples, that I liked Noddy watching me but I didn’t want him to be weirded out. “Haha, yeah… nah.. I understand, and it really is ok.. it wasn’t too weird.. just him thirsting on you haha… oh damn, I’m jealous” OH FUCK I don’t want him to be jealous. I remember how jealous Noodle got when men chatted to me & how I had to talk him around so many fucking times, that I don’t want to have that with Noddy… But as I always say, jealously is an emotion of the fear of losing something… So I now know that Noddy is scared to lose me! I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about & I tell him that I am into someone else… hehehe. “Oh I know… nah, it’s not like bad, bad. But like, it’s just u can see him about to start drooling starting at ur vag laying down hoping for a waft of it.” Bahaha… That’s so funny. I know Ripples can be full on, so I reassure Noddy, I only want him… I have to admit to myself, I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth, but it did… I can be very loyal when it comes to seeing guys, I guess part of the reason is the plan to get to a point of not wearing condoms, but I actually really like this guy… He’s a decent human being & I am keen to see where it goes with him! Everyone likes him in the group, I like him, he’s a really good guy, we just have communication issues to sort out, but that’s nothing we can’t fix!

#IBD4U

OMG… This is my exciting news… I’m freaking jumping out my skin right now to share this with you!!

So often things pop up on my facebook or insta for my blog, I follow a lot of other blogs & I also listen to a few podcasts, I read news articles & really involve myself in other dating stories because I love reading & hearing other stories as outrageous as mine.

I found a podcast, from Florida in America & I listened to a few episodes, liked their page & didn’t think much else of it, until the day Jack from Dating Confessions messaged me & asked me to be in their show! OMFG! So surreal…

Little ol #IBD4U has been asked to do something which involves my blog! It’s always been a passion project of mine & others are noticing. WOW… I’m gonna be famous! Hahaha. I agree to it, of course, not knowing they wanted me on the next episode!!

So the other day, via skype I chatted with Jack & Alisha from Dating Confessions & we shared some stories! I was literally so nervous but I am so excited by this. Here it is for you to listen too… Please me know what you think of this, those following my Facebook will know that I have had a podcast in the pipelines for a while…

Here is the spotify link to my episodes with Jack & Alisha…

If you want to listen to more episodes of Dating Confessions with Jack & Alisha, follow them where ever you listen to your podcasts.

#IBD4U

The car ride with Noddy is uneventful, he talks to my dad like he’s known him for years, offering to fix his multitude of cars in their front yard – I think this is sweet but I’m always cautious of the “we” stuff & the making plans for the future… It hasn’t ever gone my way but maybe this could be the guy?

Dad drops us off, Noddy & I walk in the door at Switch & there is no eftpos so I have to go to the ATM. I thought Noddy heard what was happening, but he pays for himself & follows me to the ATM – I’m surprised that he didn’t offer to pay the $20 for me to get in, I had just spend $40 on pizza & got us a free ride in to the city, but that’s ok, I am not the type to let a guy pay for everything. He starts talking to a guy & girl, I wonder who they are, they are clearly a couple but the chick is very touchy feely with Noddy that it’s a bit weird, I get my money out & go to the door to pay my entry then back to them. Noddy introduces me & says that the guy is Demon’s brother & his partner. Oh ok… Demon is sick & not coming tonight, I don’t know why I am happy about that to be honest… I like her & am thankful she’s on my side, helping Noddy to be a better man to be with me. I have no reason to be jealous of her… I need to shake that… It’s weird though, I mean Noddy has only known Demon the same time as he’s known me.

Noddy & I get a drink & go upstairs. Ripples is there & I introduce them. Noddy & I sit over on the edge of a couch for a while just chatting & kissing. It’s a really quiet switch to be honest & I think I am glad that some people aren’t here, because Noddy won’t forget I am here – like he did last time. There aren’t as many people there that I know, so it seems a bit awkward. I want to say hello to people with Noddy there, so I don’t look like a loser in the kink scene that I’ve been going on & on about. Noddy barely leaves my side except when he goes out for a smoke, but this time he’s not out there long. I wonder if that’s because Demon & Doddy aren’t here to distract him?

We’re kissing the whole time he’s upstairs with me, when he goes to get a drink, Ripples actually asks me if I’m ok & if I need rescuing because I don’t look like I’m ok. Yeah I’m ok, I am more than ok, my panties are wet from this foreplay. This is the first time in a fucking long time that I have been out with a guy & had him offering me drinks, finding ways to touch me when he doesn’t need too… Standing by me proudly… It makes me wish he got to my house earlier to fuck me but then this is pretty fucking good… 5 hours of foreplay…

After the show, Ripples plans to tie me up. Noddy is not around, he’s gone for a smoke, drink & toilet, so I message him to let him know. I’m not going to be stupid about this again. I am lying on the ground so I don’t even know if Noddy’s watching or not. Ripples ties both my legs in what is called a futo (I look like a bound ham) then gets ready to suspend me when I see Noddy sitting there with his friends watching intenetly & I feel so special.

I am glad that he’s there watching, I’m about to do something I’ve never done, however I’m worried I won’t be able to do it either… I am being tied by just my legs & then getting wax poured all over me. Once suspended, I don’t know what to do with my arms, so in all the photos they are flapping about. I spin for a bit & then Ripples drips wax all over my legs. It feels so good. I did it… I can do it! After I’m down on the floor Ripples asks me if I want to get Noddy to help get rid of the wax, I say yeah. He gets Noddy over & he asks me how it was… As the ropes come off my legs, they are so embedded in my leg that it kills me & I cry out… That was so painful but so good… Noddy rubs my legs taking the wax off, saying how much he liked watching that. I am glad he enjoyed because I know Ripples can be a bit creepy, so I am worried that Noddy will think it means more than it does…

We’re sitting down, I watch Demon’s brothers girlfriend get tied up by Ripples as it’s her first Switch & he wants to experience something. I talk to Demon’s brother & he’s really nice. When Noddy comes back I am shivering & he gives me his jacket. Then says “Do you hear that?” I’m like dude we’re in a nightclub, all I can hear is music. I ask what & he says “It’s your bed calling” I giggle & think thank fuck for that. I know last Switch he was here till like 4:00 am or something. I get tired after being tied as it’s like a massage so I didn’t know what time he’d want to stay till, that I’d had 2 red bulls before I came but it’s before midnight which is usual for me. We catch an Uber home, that I pay for, he doesn’t offer me money, I also notice that he didn’t seem to say thanks to my dad for dropping us off either… But anyway, he has paid for everything pretty much. However I do offer him money every time.

We chat easily on the way home in the car, he says that he wants to watch the movie “It” when we get home, I hate scary movies but when he’s out for a smoke, I put it on, hiding under the covers. But it’s too scary for me, I keep jumping so I put on Love Actually, we don’t get to watch much because we are fucking quickly. He’s fucking me fast & his cock slips in my ass too fast that I’m not prepared. *Surprise Anal* I must jump because he stops & says “OMG are you ok?” I explain he was in my ass & he says sorry he didn’t mean too, I know that was a total accident, he’s definitely not that type of guy. We go to sleep at like 2:00 am, me laying on his chest & he says “There’s no better way to fall asleep than like this” & he kisses the top of my head. FUUUCKK!!

When we wake up in the morning, Noddy does his usual routine of getting up for the bathroom & smoke before coming back to fuck me again. I am still in my body suit from last night, I ask if he wants me to take it off but he says hell no. He brings me a cup of tea in bed & brings his coffee in too… I could get used to this… He leaves about lunch time after pizza & a smoothie – that he hates because it has peanut butter in it (But I suggest what I usually have, which is avocado in my smoothie & he makes a vomit face), I notice when he’s gone home that his favourite black sabbath jumper is on my pool table. After I put it on & it smells like him, I smirk s I put it on…. I realise I am in trouble here… I sit there writing & sitting in his jumper (like a fuckwit) & he’s already sent me all the pics he took last night, but then he randomly sends me a picture that he’s edited, which all he’s done it put a filter on it, & says “Hope you’ve having a good day” which makes me smile like an idiot thinking that he’s editing my pictures that he has on his phone… That’s so fucking adorable! I like knowing that he is thinking about me when not with me! I send him a picture of me wearing his jumper, hoping that it’s not weird, but he says that he likes seeing me in it. We talk about what piece of clothing he’d get from me if I lose a dare & he instantly says g string, last time I gave away my underwear did not go well, so I am skeptical about this but he says he’s sure it’ll happen one day that he’ll get a pair… I’d probably just give him a pair if he really wanted them!

I tell him that I don’t often get punishment, I can be bratty & he says the he doesn’t think he’s seen the half of it… No dude, you haven’t! & I can’t wait to show him! He says he can’t wait to have some more fun too. I say that I do like to be dominated over text that he doesn’t have to wait for a dare. I don’t think he gets it because he just says “yeah good to know.” I want him to send me text commands, be dominant when we’re not together, because we’re not together a lot. Although every time we’ve talked dirty or I’ve been saying that I’m playing with my vibes, he’s been too busy, I can’t help but think he’s chatting to someone else, but he usually sends me a picture of him in bed alone or writing music. Just reminds me how much Noodle always gave me his undivided attention when I started talking sexy, this guy doesn’t seem to pick up on it…

I tell him that he should’ve just fucked my ass because I can still feel him in there. He says that he’d love too but will start a bit slower. I can’t wait for that, it’s been a while since someone fucked my ass, maybe Crows was the last dude…

Noddy gets concerned about what I’m talking about in the group about this weirdo Indian guy that was at Switch. I’ve seen him at the play parties just walking around & lurking. He’s weird, he walks around just starting & getting in your way so you can’t get past. Noddy tells me to tell him if I ever see him again, I ask what he’d do if I did feel uncomfortable & I tell him that if I felt uncomfortable I would’ve said something but we were not apart pretty much the whole night… He was exactly what I wanted that night – maybe I do want a relationship? This guy was perfect, always by my side, offering me drinks (I don’t drink much anymore until I’m tied at least) & touching me non-stop.

Fuck… do I want a relationship or is this guy just treating me well & I’m forgetting Noodle?!

#IBD4U

“I’m just leaving rope now” I text Noddy to let him know I’m on my way he says “See you soon” & I drive to his house, thinking from what he was saying that he lives in the ghetto. But he doesn’t, his house is fairly nice. He gets in the car after I text to says I’m there & he says that I can come in, but I say that we should go for a drive, I don’t want to go into his house & meet his housemates, who seem to know lots about me – then we won’t resolve anything. I haven’t told that many people in my real life about him, mainly just people on the chat app. Everyone on the chat app knows because Noddy sent that picture of us in bed together, but other than that, I haven’t said much to anyone – I am cautious of everyone knowing & now that it’s shit, I’m glad I was smart enough not to tell people.

I figure if we go inside we won’t talk because we’ll either sit with his housemates awkwardly or end up having sex. So I suggest a drive, he starts giving me directions & I tell him that he’s better off pointing left & right because I will probably turn the wrong way. What is it about left & right’s when someone is giving you directions? Does anyone else do that, when someone says turn left, you turn right? Hahaha. Anyway we have a laugh about it & I kind of relax a little, he’s not being that standoffish with me, though he didn’t kiss me hello – every time Noddy has seen me, he kisses me hello & goodbye. We drive for about 10 minutes before he says to pull into the parking space on the side of a dark road, I do, turn the lights off & turn to him to say “So what’s been happening?” I hold my breath…. He tells me that his ex-girlfriend has been in contact with him again, mainly about the cats, he said he it’s stressing him out because he doesn’t think she’s living there as she’s with the guy she cheated with, so he’s worried about their well being. He talks about the car accident & now how fucked his car is, that he’s been so busy… (Fucking hell, I hate when men say that they’re so busy! WTF does it even mean?! So insulting, like I’m not busy.) He then asks me what’s been happening with me & I say “Well I’m confused” I explain that he was seeing me like 3 times a week & chatting to me constantly, then he just disappeared. He says again that his ex girlfriend has stressed him out & he’s busy but I know that’s not it… I say “That’s not completely true though is it?” He says no & chuckles a little like there is more to the story than he wants to share… but he says that he panicked, his housemates were giving him shit about how much he was seeing me & had actually asked if he was in love with me, which he started to think he was… WOHA! But because he just got out of a relationship he doesn’t want to get into another one, but he really really likes me. I ask why we have to label it & he says that that’s just who he is, he would’ve been asking me to label it with him. I mean I’m not 100% there yet, but I am pissed that he would just back off instead of talking to me. How old is this guy? I know he’s 10 years younger than me, but I thought he was more mature than this. I ask him if we can just keep going on how we are, seeing where it goes & having fun… (This is never something I thought I would ever have to say to a guy) he agrees that he can do that & I ask him to kiss me, which he does… I do consider fucking him but I didn’t bring a condom. We talk a bit more about all sorts of shit, he makes me laugh a lot, I am happy that I’ve had this talk with him, this week away will be bearable & Switch will be fun on Friday night. We’re going together, things are back on track & we don’t have to label it! I am planning the sort of exclusivity talk when I get my pap smear & STI check in a couple of weeks, but even that seems now to be too much if he’s freaking out about falling for me. But that’s my aim, then from there see if the boyfriend/girlfriend thing evolves.

I drop him home about 11:00 pm, kissing him goodbye in the car. He says that he has a present inside for me, the jumper he owes me for the debt, I’m not sure if he’s asking me inside for sex or what, but I just say to bring it on Friday. I say goodbye, feeling much better about this… Finally an adult conversation.

I chat in the group the next day about my terrible flight but refuse to message him. Seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I am so stubborn, it’s fucking dumb, I know! He falls asleep on me when we’re chatting & then I’m asleep when he wakes up to message so the next morning, it’s easy, I just reply in the morning & keep the conversation going, none of this who will say hello first…. This is why I need the stupid agreement Noodle & I had. However I remember Max telling me he didn’t want me to be an obligation, which is not what I want either, I feel like if I had that agreement with Noddy, I would be an obligation. I tell him that I am watching Game of Thrones, starting from the beginning & I need someone to help me through it. He says we should watch it together, which I agree but then he tells me that he’s downloading it… How confusing, does he want to watch with me or by myself?

I tell him that I’ve been out for dinner & been writing as I have a deadline… Why the fuck do I tell him that? I mean, I have been told to take the blog to the grave, never tell a guy I’m with that I have it… So I just say that I haven’t told him the entire truth about my writing, that I’m shy & don’t want to share it with him, he doesn’t pry which I am thankful for but says that I shouldn’t be shy about it, that he’s sure it’s amazing work.

We chat though out the week & I tell Noddy that I am going to be home early Friday night for Switch, he says that he’ll be at mine by 6:30 pm so he can make it up to me before we go to Switch. I tell Noddy he can pick out my lingerie for Switch. I try out a costume, but I look like shit, so I end up wearing my lingerie body suit with a skirt. I figure when he gets here, we’ll have sex & he can pick out some lingerie & maybe a toy to take with us or that I have to wear all night…

I ask him if it’s ok if I ask my sister to drop us into town which he says it’s ok. I asked my sister because I can explain who he is to her. But my dad ends up doing it… FUCK Noddy is going to meet my dad… But this is good perhaps, my dad is a big bogan, beer gut, missing teeth… Shows a bit of a different side of me, like my house is perfect & styled, I always am dressed nice with hair done, make up on, this will show him that I am not from a prim & proper background… I come from the lower to middle class… I would’ve been rowing with the other slaves if I was on the titanic.

It’s something Noodle never saw & didn’t get about me, he saw the super clean house, the uncluttered living space, he never saw the hoarding that my parents do or the 5 cars for 2 of them on their overgrown front lawn… Guys don’t really understand me fully I think because of the persona I show them. I should be proud that I come from a low social-economic background & that I have made something of myself.

I start to order pizza & wait for Noddy to come over, but he tells me he won’t be there till 7:00 pm, how long does it take to get ready FFS? I get a little pissed off… I mean really… This is fucked… I still haven’t heard from him that he’s left his house, when he messages to say he won’t be here till 7:30 pm… FUCKING HELL, this guy is going to bail? My friend has bailed as she’s sick… I bet he bails… I am angry now, I don’t want to be angry, but nothing annoys me more than people running late or bailing… I order the pizza thinking fuck you, then he says he’s on his way… PHEW.

I am walking around doing shit when I see him running up behind me & I jump like a manic… I must’ve left the front door unlocked & with the music loud, I didn’t hear him come in. He laughs his head off, thinking it’s the funniest thing seeing me jump. We kiss hello & I tell him I ordered the pizza ages ago because I was hungry. He eats & I lay on the ground in front of the heater, he leans down & kisses me, I wish he got here earlier…

He goes out to smoke & I finish getting ready, I’m in the bathroom minding my own business when I turn to walk out & he’s at the door watching me, I jump a mile again & he laughs his head off again, grabbing me & kissing me saying he was there for ages. I have the music loud so I didn’t hear him. We stand there kissing so much so that I say “You should’ve got here earlier” He nods in a way that reminds me of Max & says that he should’ve. I say that my dad is going to be here soon, so we can’t. We break apart & he goes one way, I go the other, then he comes to tell me that my dad just pulled up. I introduce them, they stand outside having a smoke together as I lock up the house & we get in the car to go to Switch.

#IBD4U

So talking to Dom & J-Lo about how Noddy has backed right off, J-Lo tells me to do what is right for me, (what is that?) & Dom just tells me to message him, send him nudes & get him interested. My stubborn mind tells me to not do anything & he can message me, I mean he read my last message & never wrote back, it’s his turn! Hahaha, I’m so childish! But honestly I feel like this dude just isn’t that keen anymore.

However Dom tells me that maybe he’s waiting for me to message & I think that maybe, just maybe my stubbornness has made me lose contact with some guys in the past, because we’re both thinking “I wish they’d message me!” I know I have a problem, so I decide that Dom is right, I’m 37 years old, I don’t have time for games, this is just stupid! I like this guy, I need to know what is going on. So I message him & just say “Hey how was the video shoot yesterday” because he was apparently shooting a music video for his song. He takes a while to write back but says that he just woke up, sends me a picture of him in bed & tells me that he won’t go into details but he had a hectic night. My mind automatically thinks he’s fucked someone else, I guess I can’t be mad, we’re not exclusive, he hasn’t seen me for a week & I’ve fucked someone else – Orbit, plus I’ve had text sex with Dom.

I reply without thinking “Hahaha, when you say you won’t go into details, that’s not a good sign” but he says “Nah, not like that, drugs” I know he smokes weed all the time, but assuming he did other stuff last night. When he says he’s annoyed they didn’t shoot the video but will make him heaps busy next weekend I bite the bullet & say “Was hoping to see you sometime soon, since I go away Tuesday morning for the whole week” he replies & I almost don’t want to read it in case it’s an excuse why he can’t see me over the next 2 days. “Yeah I would of liked to of caught up already… Sorry I’m heaps scattered. I couldn’t make it tonight but hopefully tomorrow night if you are free?” Finally, he’s asking me out I have rope but I explain that I can leave at 9:00 pm so that I’m home by 9:30 pm. However my gut is telling me he’s going to bail. I feel like he gets home from work, wants to smoke cones so makes up some excuse… But he says “Yeah I’d love to see you, it sounds like a plan.” Maybe my gut is wrong; maybe I don’t know what is going on. I did tell him through the week that we need to talk face to face because I don’t want to chat to him about this over text, because clearly I am not as easy going when people bail on me for sex. I get so grumpy! Even Noodle noticed it that if I don’t get sex, I get grumpy, well of course I do, especially when I know they are free & can fuck me!

We talk into the night, he sends me a song he’s been working on, maybe I do have it all wrong? Maybe I’m sending out a vibe of desperado? But it’s not because I want him to be my boyfriend, it’s because I want good sex with a guy I like & knows my body – I am working towards not having to use a condom with someone, then the boyfriend thing maybe. Not random sex with strangers.

He tells me that he’s going to try to sleep & he’ll chat tomorrow. I say goodnight but it’s just that he calls me “hun” not gorgeous or any winky or kissing face. I try not to read into it being that he’s coming down from a big night on drugs.

The next day, I am definitely not going to message him, but I wake up to nothing from him to say good morning, I wait till lunch time, when he’s always online for his lunch break & still nothing. He said “I’ll chat tomorrow” so I am not messaging first again! At least he’s not chatting in the groups too…

Dom tells me to message him but I will wait till later this afternoon. I feel like this is Origin all over again! Why start off so keen, messaging every day, seeing me 3 times a week & then once I finally let my guard down a little, they back off?!

I am also worried because I know he is coming to Switch on Friday & me getting angry again, then ruining my night again. We had already arranged for him to stay at my house, but we all know how that turned out with Max that time… Maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I should stop thinking about it, I mean this guy wasn’t going to be anything anyway, so why do I care?! But I always start out as I intend to go on, so why don’t guys do the same?

I post something in the group & then Noddy does too, but doesn’t say hello to me privately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m chatting in the group what but what is up with this guy? I don’t know what to do & I don’t want to play a stupid game but fucking hell he doesn’t make sense. I’m an adult, if I want this guy to fuck me, then I need to take matters into my own hands obviously, I message him because I’m an idiot! “Hey, how are you today? Still on for tonight? Thought you might even want to come to rope, do the class?” He takes almost an hour to read it then doesn’t respond straight away… I ask our friend Doddy if he understands what’s going on but he just says you have to get him in a room & chat to him, believe me I am trying!!! Fuck!

Noddy replies saying he should be good for tonight but won’t be home till late so won’t come to rope. No worries. I am sitting at home when I see a message pop up on my phone, all I can see is “Hey Beautiful……… Don’t hate me” I think fucking hell, I knew he was going to bail. I fucking knew it… Ok I have to read it to find out why & I also know I have to respond carefully. “I can’t go anywhere… my transmission is fucked in my car… I literally just went to leave work & I can’t fucking move it… I’m heaps sorry I really wanted to come see you tonight.” FUCKING HELL… I just knew he was going to bail, I just knew it… This guy clearly isn’t in to me! I’m flying out to Port Lincoln tomorrow morning & the next time I will see him will be Switch… If I wait till then I know I won’t have a good time, so I carefully word my response. “Oh no, that really sucks… Can I come see you after rope? We can just go for a drive in my car… I have to be at the airport at 8:00 am, so won’t be late…” He says that’s no problem & will be good to see me. I tell him I don’t mind that he lives north & that he doesn’t always have to come to my house, I can come to his – I mean I don’t really want to go inside or stay at his frat house, but I don’t always expect him to come to my side of town. Then I see him typing for ages… I try not to overthink what the fuck he writing. “TBH I didn’t even think of it. Because my housemates are here all the time & people (buying weed) come & go. Just not what I’d like to show you about my life… I feel it would scare you way too much too quickly….” Hmmm, maybe he is interested in me? He doesn’t want to scare me off… “I gotta admit… I’m kinda embarrassed about how I live ATM…” What does this guy think of me that he seriously think of me? As if I would be judgmental, I mean you just have to read this blog to know that I am never in a place to judge others! I tell him that I am not judgmental & couldn’t careless where he lives, but I need to talk to him face to face before I go away or my head will explode. He says he knows I’m not judgmental but its him being judgmental of himself – remind you of someone?! I’ve been here before with Noodle. But he says “Well yeah I definitely think we need to chat before you go away, haha I hope it doesn’t explode, that would be messy.” I make him send me his address before I walk into rope so that I am not preoccupied with him & if he’s going to bail out of this chat! He sends me his address & I relax – yaye for relaxed rope time…

#IBD4U

This guy is back again… This isn’t the first time Orbit has messaged me either, he had an account a few months ago but when I started chatting to him he told me it needed to be discreet as he was seeing someone. I tell him to fuck off & get off the chat app. I’m so sick of men finding someone else to be with, other than me but still talking to me, trying to fuck me! I didn’t speak to him again. So when he comes back this time, I almost don’t speak to him but I am chatting to no one when I start chatting to him again. He says that he’s single, I’m not 100% sure that’s true, but I have to take it at face value that he is.

But while sporadically talking to him, Noddy comes alone, then after my second date with Noddy, Orbit’s was messaging me asking where I am, I say that I’m on my way home & he says that I should pop over to his house. I seriously think that I am spending too much time thinking about Noddy that I should probably go fuck this guy, but when I say that I just got off the expressway at my exit (Which is also his exit if he takes the expressway) when he says “Bugger, I have the kid here… but she’s asleep, maybe tomorrow night? Or can do tonight” I tell him I’m not free tomorrow night & I just go home. That was probably a good idea.

He asks me several times again to see him & he invites me over on Thursday night. Things are going well with Noddy & I’ve told Noddy that I’m not chatting to anyone on the chat app for the purpose of a hook up, which he said he’s not either. I ask Orbit though, because I just don’t care “Oh really? Is this like last time when you said come over then when I said yes, you said you had your daughter & changed your mind?” he just replies that he won’t have her tomorrow night.

Orbit asks me at like 8:40 pm if I want to come over, even though things are weird with Noddy at the moment, I don’t want to jeopardise that, so I write back 2 hours later telling him that I just got home & I have to be up early. Oddly, he never opens the message. WTF?! Even all day the next day he doesn’t open it. Almost 24 hours later he says “Sorry didn’t see this, fell asleep on couch last night, what are you up too” (Yes, that’s a quote, with the missing words like that!) I decide that I’ve put too much pressure on Noddy so I should go fuck this guy – What am I thinking!? I tell him I can’t stay long knowing I have to get up early for work on Saturday morning. When he says “I don’t have any condoms, do you have any?” Fucking hell, who invites someone over 2 nights in a row & doesn’t have condoms. Men are so bloody stupid! I have no idea how the race has survived so long – well probably because they don’t have condoms. Luckily I have some. So put them in my pocket. He offers to come to my house, but I don’t think I want him in my bed, I will save that at least for Noddy.

I don’t really remember the first time I had sex with Orbit to be honest, I mean I remember him being a bit too submissive for me but it wasn’t that memorable or maybe because it made me realise what feelings I had for Noodle, that I blocked it?

Yes, I must have blocked it! Fucking hell that was terrible… Notorious Sir was the worst sex I’ve had to date but at least he turned me on… This is shocking, how can this guy Orbit, think this is good.

Ok, so I get there & we kiss in the doorway, I try to move my head to move sides & also get his tongue out of my mouth with some pecks on the lips, but it’s like he is giving me mouth to mouth resuscitation with his tongue in my mouth not moving, like a dead fish. If the kissing is bad, the sex always will be… But was it this bad the first time I fucked him?!

The only way to pull away is to walk into his bedroom & take off my jacket, he pulls me on top of him awkwardly on to the bed. We kiss again before he takes off my top & then tries to take off my bra with one hand. I try to be cheeky & giggle along saying “That’s so sexy when you rustle around back there trying to undo it” He doesn’t really reciprocate with banter, he’s so serious, he strips off so he’s naked – Bam! & so I set about getting my boots & jeans off, he then lays on top of me & kisses me again, suffocating me, I try to move my head to catch a breath but he won’t let me move my head or come up for air. This is not in a sexy way that I like, this is like he’s trying to consume me!

He then starts sliding down my body, taking off my panties & settling between my legs. I try to relax, thinking this will be better. But OMG this doesn’t get any better. He isn’t actually close to where my clit is, I think he’s a little lost or maybe he’s doing something else, I don’t know but he’s not doing anything that feels good… He seems to not be licking or sucking anything that’s pleasurable, no matter how much I move to try to get him to actually focus on my clit he somehow goes back to wherever he is… He also seems to think that motorboating my vagina is a turn on, with his stubbly beard, it doesn’t feel good! Then he gets his fingers involved, ok well maybe this will be better… NOPE! He slips in 2 fingers & rams them into me over & over so much so that it’s uncomfortable, also while motorboating the area that he thinks is my clit with his scratchy beard. I end up kicking him off so that we can fuck, maybe that will be better. Boy, why do I keep giving this guy the benefit of the doubt? If you’re a bad kisser, generally you’re bad at sex!

He kisses me again, I’m unable to breathe or move, so much so that my jaw starts hurting (remembering I have lock jaw issues), why doesn’t this guy ever let me breathe. He reaches over for the condom, which he lays down flat on the bed next to me & rolls it on, I lay there waiting for the next move when he pulls me up on to his lap. I reach between my legs to help guide his cock into me but discover that it’s not that hard… WTF?! He thrusts against me, obviously to try to get harder, I don’t think he’s that hard when he slides inside me, it takes a few extra thrusts for me to feel it rather than a soft sausage trying to enter me. I kiss him & when I want to get away I try to kiss his neck but it doesn’t seem to be wanted, he turns his head back to my lips, so I stop.

He then has me straddling him, his arms are by his side & he starts thrusting in a way I’ve never been fucked before, I actually have to check because I think he’s having a seizure. He keeps going like that & I just sort of lay against his chest wishing for it to be over, wishing I never came over. His hands are by his side & he’s literally fucking me like he is having a fit. As soon as he cums, I give him a quick peck & get off him. I lay there for a second & think this is fucking awkward, so I sit up & start getting dressed. He gets dressed too & I give him another quick peck on the lips as I say good bye. Fuck, what the fuck was that! I hate myself… My massage therapist told me not to do it, she knew it wouldn’t be good… But I did & now I regret it. There will be no number #3 for this guy, even if he messages me.

To give you an update, he did message me several times after that. In the end after trying to ignore & ghost him, I decide that’s not who I want to be, I decide that he deserves a reply. “Hey. I don’t want to ghost you but I don’t think we should see each other again… Hope you find what you’re looking for!” He reads it & replies 6 days later… “Hello… Wow that was a little unexpected.” Really? I have ignored 7 messages over the course of a month from him, was it really that unexpected?!

#IBD4U

The next day, I expect that when I look at my phone there will be a good morning message, but there’s nothing from Noddy. Righto. I’m stubborn as fuck so I refuse to message him hello. About an hour into work, I look in the group & he’s chatting, sharing pics of a car accident he had this morning on the way to work… But he still doesn’t message me… I think WTF… Why wouldn’t he message me that? Wouldn’t he want me to know? The person that he’s seeing!? (Casual or not, why wouldn’t he want to tell me?!) I talk to J-lo about it, he tells me not to be stubborn & say that I saw the crash in the group & I hope he’s ok. But I feel like Noddy is messaging the group first so I can’t get angry about him bailing on seeing me tonight, which makes me sad that he’s going to bail again but of course I’m not going to be a mole when the dude has crashed his car. I hate that I again have to make the effort, but the poor guy did just crash his car.

So I follow J-Lo’s advice, asking also if there is anything I can do, he says “No beautiful, but thanks for offering” we chat & things seem normal. Later than night we are chatting still, he never mentions coming over & I don’t say anything either as I don’t want to hear an excuse for why he can’t. We end up playing truth or dare again, he chooses truth, so I ask him what was his first impression of me. “Well my first impression online was you were really shy & were absolutely stunning & I wanted to have you… First impression when meeting you was, wow she’s tiny. Good. Fuck I hope this goes well. Exact thoughts.” Interesting that he thought I was shy… I guess that’s my guard up when I meet someone. I can’t help it but not want to show the true me… Every time I have, I get hurt…

He dares me to send a video of me fucking myself with a vibe saying Noddy, so I do – easy one. Hahaha. We also chat in the groups & people ask if we’re physically together right now, I say no, he sends the group a pic, so I do too, saying it’s lonely in my big bed…

The next day Noddy sends me a picture of him & I notice that he’s wearing my jumper that he’s supposed to give me. He says that he didn’t think I would notice, but I did, he said he’s put it on to make it smell like him, being that I said the only reason a chick ever wants a dudes hoodie is because it smells like him. Still no mention of catching up, (I thought he says that to me once that he’d always reschedule?) but he’s sore form the car accident & I don’t think his car is 100%. I also admit to him after he sent me a picture where he looks hot as fuck – he has a trimmed full beard (which I usually don’t like, but it makes him look older, when I tell him that I really like that picture, he tells me that he’ll have to grow his beard back & I agree), that I’ve saved a few pictures of his & that I have a folder called Noddy… Probably a bit creepy but he says “That’s cute as fuck,” but upon reflection, I wish I never told him that!

The next day I initiate the conversation again, I seem to be doing that a lot with this guy, very unlike me. But I figure he hasn’t dated a lot in recent years so needs to help. But by the end of the day I’m on my way to my massage when we’re chatting about him pleasuring me & I say “I wouldn’t ever be concerned about that.” knowing that he’s so good in bed that I’ll never have to worry about that. He says “Whats up hun, talk to me” but I say nothing is up & walk into the massage. As I lay there spilling the beans to my massage lady about him, she says “Whoa maybe you’re coming on a little strong, it’s only been a few weeks” I ask her what she means because I have wondered the same, but am not 100% how’s she’s picked up on it. She says she can’t explain it, so I change the topic & think about it while being massaged.

Once done, he has read my reply but not messaged back. I think not this old fucking chestnut. So I write to him to tell him I just finished my massage but I also ask why he thinks something is up. He says that because I had concerns. I explain that I actually was saying that him pleasuring me wouldn’t ever be a concern. He says “Ah Fuck, I read it wrong haha. Still have to ask if you were all good though” I tell him this is why I hate text messaging & think that it was actually our issue on Monday night after rope too. He agrees, I try to explain this is why I didn’t want to chat about Monday night over text & was waiting to have a conversation with him face to face when we catch up – cos I still don’t know what happened, why did he change his mind so rapidly?

He tells me that he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say & he can be a dick sometimes but I explain that if we’re going to be kinky we need to have open, honest, communication even if it hurts. I mean I need to trust him to stop if I safe word him, but also he needs to know that I will safe word if I need too or he could potentially really hurt me. We finally start chatting like normal again. He says “Everything about you fascinates him about me. Not just the toys but the kink side, the professional, family, a lot actually” I fascinate him… Really? I don’t think anyone has called me fascinating before… I ask what he means & he says “The fact you can do all of it & still be sane is what fascinates me the most haha” he also knows I write, but not that I write a blog, he asks me to show him something I’ve written next time he’s over (When will that be dude?! Hahaha) but I say I’d be too shy to show him if he’s there, so I send him 2 of my erotica stories, when he begs me for something of mine to read. He tells me I’m a good writer & that he likes what I wrote. He tells me that because I was so shy about sharing it that he was worried it wouldn’t be that good… But he’s says it’s fucking hot… This I already knew! Hahaha. I ask him if he’s ever going to share his song with me, I am also in the same boat, what if it’s shit & I have to pretend that it’s good. Hahaha. I am dying to hear it I know he’s shared it with others, I kind of hate that he has but not with me… Jealous again… FUCK! He emails it to me & fuck, it’s actually good. I really like it, the lyrics are very raw, real & honest about his recent breakup & suicide attempt that it’s actually difficult to hear, mainly I think because I know him.

The next day I message him first but he reads it almost immediately, but doesn’t write back for hours. I don’t know what to say but then we start chatting, he tells me that he’s read my 2 erotica stories a few times when I admit to him that I listened to his song a couple of times in the car too. He sends me a work selfie & his dick when I say that reading the erotica is not helping, I send him the rest for him to read & he says that he’s been picturing him & I as he reads it, even though he knows that it was written well before him, he imagines us. Fuck that’s hot & maybe I’ll get these fantasies lived out as I wrote them? He talks me into sharing some of my writing with him when we catch up next, it actually forces me to start looking at previous stuff I’ve written, knowing I can’t send him stuff from my blog, which is my main writing now. I usually tell guys that I wrote freelance for another blog, pieces on travel, love, beauty & money. Hahaha… Not completely untrue. I do write about all those things to you guys! But also part of the reason I have decided to drop the guest blog on Wednesday & focus on some other writing too.

Friday night, still no plans to see him (I thought he said in our first conversation that he won’t stand a woman up & will rearrange things to fit it in?! I’m hating that I did let my guard down with this guy… Stupidly the first guy since Noodle that I have done that with & now look where I am…), it’s now been over a week since we have seen each other, I know that’s not very long but I don’t think seeing someone weekly is an unreasonable request. He messages me to ask what I’m doing & sends me a picture where he looks ridiculously stoned & says that he’s writing songs. He sends me a video of a song that’s pretty good even though he says it’s supposed to be a joke. I say that not everything needs to be recorded, but it’s good to have back up stuff & say I do that with my writing, he says “Yeah it’s a good idea, at least that way you will have something when you have nothing… Make hay while the sun shines…” I say “Yeah definitely.” But he reads it & never replies. I get home & should go to bed, but I don’t… See next post, however after that, I get into bed & go to sleep.

The next day, I figure I need to back off – clearly I am more into him than he is into me, I won’t message him first… I go to work on a Saturday morning & get my hair done, chatting in the group but never saying hello to him. By 11:00 pm that Saturday night I am crest fallen that he hasn’t messaged me first & the only thing I can think is that stupid book ‘He’s just not that into you.’ Noddy had been telling me all week & basically for the last month, all the time how much he likes me, how gorgeous he thinks I am, what he wants to do with me, all the we things that we’ll do but why the sudden change of heart? This will be the first day that we haven’t chatted since I messaged him in the beginning… I hate that he’s breaking this statistic…

Has he decided to go back to his ex? I can’t help but wonder also if he’s keen on Demon? I know they’re good friends… I hate this… I finally let down my guard with someone then they pull away, why do guys do that? Try to break down the walls so persistently, then when they do, they don’t like what they see!?

#IBD4U

Here is another mixed bag… Every time I sit down to write one of these, another 20 stories pop up in my head, not necessarily long enough for their own post, but part of the reason I am who I am. These are from many moons ago, close to 20 years ago… I fear that stories like this have shaped my low self esteem because here I am 20 years later & still single!

Anyway here they are.

Alcoholic

This story goes back to about 1999 when I was just out of high school & turning 18. I used to go to a nightclub called The Planet on Pirie street, does anyone else remember it? It’s oddly still empty almost 20 years since it closed…

Anyway it was the first nightclub I ever got into underage, it was the place we went every Friday night. Other friends would meet us there, couples & friends of friends, I was always single, as you may know I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 22, so hanging out with couples all having sex, all being lovey at the nightclub bumping & grinding, I still hadn’t even had sex yet! I had barely even kissed a boy, I hadn’t kissed a boy that I like, only random people when drunk as fuck at a nightclub.

I was jealous, I was so jealous of all my friends with boyfriends, I will admit that & probably part of the reason I became bitter after my relationship with Boyfriend ended, because I was jealous that others got to get married & I was 25 & single again…

My friend was dating a dude we worked with so sometimes his friends outside of the work people would come out with us. This guy ‘Alcoholic’ came along, he was always trashed, even more than me, which is saying something. He was always so super drunk every weekend that it was disturbing that he didn’t ever get kicked out of places or was even let into places. But we’d end up kissing pretty much every time he was there, even if I was sober & driving but most of the time it was when we were both drunk!

I can’t remember what the deal is with this guys drinking, but he was always a terrible drunk, stumbling around the club & finding me. I always kissed him & we’d spend hours locked lipped at a nightclub.

But something snapped in him one day & he stopped drinking, cold turkey. However he still came out the nightclubs every weekend. We wouldn’t really kiss as much when he was sober but I remember one night that I was so drunk & vomiting in the club (yes, I was that chick!) when my best friend at the time got him to take me home. She came with us while I was begging for water unable to really talk, he stops at a service station to get me a bottle of water. He walks out with a bottle of Mt Franklin, probably the only type of water you could buy back then & my response was “I hate this water” then I basically drank none of it. My best friend woke up my sister & got me into bed & I am thankful that I had a ride home. However, I never really see this guy again, he drove me home & bought me water & I was rude about it… I mean I’m sure him kissing me all the times he was wasted & I was sober should counteract it. But we after this, we don’t see each other ever again & we don’t keep kissing…

Planet

Following on from that story, like I said we used to go to the planet every Friday night. I don’t even remember where I met this guy to be honest, but I do know that I never knew what he looked like. However he had my mobile number… This was also before text messaging was a real thing, they used to cost 25 cents each. Which seems like nothing now, but they added up fucking quickly! Think about how many texts you send now, if you send 100 in a month it adds up…

Now I hate speaking on the phone & tell every dude to text me, don’t call me! Hahaha. You all know that, you know that I hate it, I have a work mobile so the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone when I get home.

Anyway this guy & I would chat for hours, we’d talk about all sorts of crap. We tried to meet a few times but it never panned out. This is also before the time when it wasn’t illegal to talk on your phone while driving, he called me while I was driving with friends, I was so caught up in the conversation I didn’t notice anything happening beside my friend saying “Red, Red, Red” then shouting “Red” when I realised that I just drove through a red light! Fucking hell… Now it wasn’t the holding the phone to my ear that was the problem, it’s actually the conversation. So I now refuse to have work conversations while driving in the car, even via Bluetooth!

I had many Nina Proudman (TV show Offspring) type fantasies about how I would meet this guy… I always imagined that he would be the one who said how gorgeous I was, which would be for the first time back then… That he would look me in the eyes, that he would kiss me, that we would be as compatible in real life as he have been via the phone. This was probably the first time that I really dreamed I would have a boyfriend…

I remember telling him about a example of how we’d meet, he’d be in the line-up at the planet nightclub with his friends, I’d be walking with my friends on the phone to him trying to find him, but there are crowds of people everywhere, so I ask him to jump to find me, he & all his friends start jumping but then he somehow comes to the front of the crowd like in a movie & he’s standing there with a rose for me, I walk up & it’s love at first sight, we kiss while our friends cheer! -OHHH EMMM GEE… I think I’ve had one too many romantic comedies…

But of course you know my story doesn’t end up like that, I never meet this guy, I don’t even remember what happened with him. I wish I could find my diary I used to keep back then, I would totally post it just to remember what the fuck happened!

Fruit & Veg

Back at this time, I was partying every weekend, does anyone also remember Zanzibar at Marion? OMG that place was the place to be on a Saturday night & that’s where I always was. Everyone from my work would be there on a Saturday night, in fact there are nights that I went down there with one group of friends & come home with someone else. Or I’d even go down with no one but find people to hang out with.

One night I’m there with friends, I don’t know what happens to them but I end up being there with the guy from fruit & veg. I know that I am not into this guy at all, he’s older & not physically attractive to me, but also I know that one of my close friends is infatuated with him. However we end up in a taxi together, he lives in the suburb I actually live in now, which is past the suburb I lived in when I was living with my parents, so I’m not sure why we went back to his house, especially since he still lived with his mum.

I remember his house very well, it’s was where nick nacks went to die… They were everywhere… This house was tidy but it was also somehow a mess. It’s a typical grandma style house.

At this point in my life, I don’t think I had ever had sex & I certainly didn’t want this guy to be my first so I tell him that I don’t want to do anything with him, I don’t even kiss him to be honest. This is the first time I’ve ever slept over a guys house too… I hate that this is the first guy that I have done that with… Why am I climbing into his bed?!

We do cuddle in bed, but I get too hot & barely sleep. I get him to drop me home in the morning thinking about what my friend will think, thinking about how things will be Monday at work? He’ the quiet type so I don’t think anyone ever knew. It was a bit awkward at work but it wasn’t long after that that he left for another store.

So there you have it, another mixed bag. Definitely not the last. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I can tell you that I am surprised how much I remember about this time in my life, I was pretty much drunk for about 5 years straight! hahaha.

#IBD4U

After Anzac day, Noddy & I chat daily as usual, I ask him what he is doing on the Saturday night because I know he’s home working on songs to go to the studio on Sunday, so I think rather than making him come all the way to my house, we’re both at home, we can catch up for a couple of hours. I will invite him out for dinner or something, he says “I want to say yes but I’m broke as shit because of this week… And I don’t expect you to pay. Haha. Don’t know if you noticed that” Of course I noticed that he’s paid for everything & basically because of all the public holidays with Easter & Anzac day, he hasn’t worked much this week, which is fine, I earn quite a lot more than him so I offer to pay for dinner being that he’s paid for every date almost, I also suggest the free movie tickets that I have too. He says “I don’t want to be a dick, but probably not tonight. Don’t think anything bad, I just wanna nail these songs tomorrow & as you know I get distracted so easy. Haha” I get disappointed, like fuck, how tragic am I that I finally ask this guy out & he says no… So I say that “I’ll stop distracting you & that I hope it goes well tomorrow” thinking that he needs time to write these songs but he says he’ll keep messaging me, but I think WTF?

Anyway I try not to read much into it – even though I can’t help but think of that stupid book ‘He’s just not that into you’ – which says basically in the whole book, if a guy isn’t trying to fuck you, he’s just not into you! Later we’re chatting & he asks how my night was & I say boring as fuck, he tells me that he should’ve come up… That just pisses me off even more, but I try not to show it. Why the fuck didn’t he come over? So I try to lighten my mood, I tell him that I know that there is a group on the chat app that if you do an autocorrect fail & someone calls you out on it, then you have to play truth or dare. So when he does a spelling error I tell him & say “So… Truth or dare Spark Plug?” surprising to me, he picks truth! I totally thought he’d be the dare type of guy but then he says that he’s in the “longest room” which was meant to be lounge so I call him out on another truth or dare. We play the game all night, he gets me to do a video of me cumming (easy), I never pick truth because I’m so scared what he’ll ask me about my past, with men or anything…. I find out his most interesting/weirdest place he’s had sex which was behind the school shed & in a fire escape. I also ask him to show me his most embarrassing piece of clothing & a screenshot of his camera roll (most of the photos were to me!) – Both dares would be terrible for me, I screenshot conversations all the time & save every photo he sends me, how would I explain that!?

The next afternoon he chooses dare & I dare him to send me a video of him saying “You’re so sexy IBD4U” I instruct him not to move (in case he’s in the lounge room – hehehe), just do it where he is even if he’s with his roommates. He takes ages to do it but does send it telling me that he was driving. But in the video he’s walking. I think, well, that’s a dare fail. He says it’s not but he couldn’t do it while driving, I agree he shouldn’t do it while driving, however his video should’ve been in the car when he parked if I dared him not to move. He decides that because he fails, he loses a piece of clothing, I ask if he means forever, which he says yes. I say he has to give me his favourite jumper. He agrees that next time I see him, he’ll give it to me. He says he’ll come over after rope on Monday night. Well that’s an annoying late night for me, I don’t get home till about 10:00 pm but I figure that I want to see him, I need to make some sacrifices since we didn’t catch up over the weekend because of his lack of funds.

He dares me to show him my favourite rope picture, which isn’t a hard dare, he’s probably seen them all – so I send a few, he says things like “Fuck I love you in rope” the L word catches my breath as I read it… I know he’s said he loves having out with me etc but this is the first time I see it properly… I move on sending another picture “Fuck… it looks great though, like actually amazing hahaha not gif amazing” since we have this way of describing if something is amazing or not being that he says it all the time, I asked him once if it was gif amazing or sex amazing. He says “Fuck you are gorgeous” & the last one I send to him he says “Fucking hell… OMG woman, that is stunning. Fuck.” I dare him to send me a screenshot of his last text message, which I think he’ll probably hide some or something, but he doesn’t. He shows me a picture of his chat with Demon, of him sending her his song. I must admit, I get a little jealous… He hasn’t sent the song to me that he recorded… Did she ask or did he offer it up? & it reminds me of when Noodle didn’t tell me what they called the baby. Why is Noddy making me jealous, I’m not usually the jealous type… When I’m jealous, it means I like someone, more than like them, that I am scared of losing them… Am I starting to actually fall for this guy? A guy I didn’t even want to date?

The next day he tells everyone in the chat group that “This postie is making deliveries tonight. Hahaha” I like that he’s telling everyone that he’s coming to see me because there’s not backing out once he’s told everyone… I’m chatting at the same time, so it’s obvious that he’s talking about coming to see me. I actually feel pretty special & I think it’s cute that he wants everyone to know about “us” (for lack of a better word!) but also finally I’m not a secret for someone – it’s refreshing.

During the day, I’ve had some changes with my rigger & had ended up working things out that I would be changing riggers tonight, I guess it’s sort of like a dance partner when things change. Basically Ripples asked me if MilkyBar Kid was leaving town, I didn’t know he was leaving so I messaged & asked, he says “Not till the end of the year but why?”, I feel bad for telling him that I’ve been offered an opportunity with an advanced rigger to potentially work with & go to Melbourne with him & if he was leaving then perhaps I shouldn’t pass this opportunity. He says “Go for it” & I think what is the catch here?! MilkyBar Kid tells me that he was going to talk to me tonight about potentially finding a new rigger anyway but doesn’t elaborate, just says it’s nothing to do with me. I don’t get it but tell Ripples I will tie with him tonight.

I race home from work knowing Noddy is coming over tonight, I change my sheets, because I’ve been sleeping in our sex sheets still, I shave myself all over, clean the house & put the cans of coke I bought him in the fridge (Yeah another box, fucking loser!). I’m walking into rope, I want to talk to Milkybar Kid before it starts but can’t find him, I also want to chat to Ripples before we get started. Just so there is no weirdness being we’re swapping partners. But Noddy is messaging me with a photo of him in his favourite jumper that he has to give me tonight, but says “Haha… So I’ll have to give you the jumper next time I see you… I haven’t washed it yet haha… Was just in my toolbox & I got cold haha… Smells like mechanic” I ask him if he’s just trying to keep it longer & he says “I can’t lose my baby” I remind him that he shouldn’t have failed the dare or suggested giving up a piece of clothing (God knows what he’ll want of mine if I fail a dare! -Giving away panties has not gone well for me in the past!) I tell him to wash it now, so it’ll have time to dry before he comes over tonight then he says “Haha… Well would you rather I come over tomorrow & have dinner with you as well… That way it will be clean & ready to go… Just means no postie delivery tonight hehe…” I am walking into rope, it’s starting so I quickly write a reply “Up to you… I don’t really care about your hoodie TBH” As if he’s bailing on me as I walk into rope… Is this guy serious?! He says “I know that, but a dare is a dare. Plus I wouldn’t be able to stay tonight” Like WTF?! Why can’t he stay? Because it’s a Monday? We both have to work tomorrow. I can’t believe he’s bailing right when he knows where I am & what I’m doing… I shouldn’t reply while he’s just pissed me off but I say in a disappointed tone “Whatever, you’re the one that suggested tonight” It comes across way more bitchy that I intended, it’s supposed to be more a sigh, but he writes back straight away “Woah, I didn’t mean that to sound bad there hun… Not at all… Just knew you would be in a good mood from rope… but we would have more time together tomorrow” Well now I’m in a bad fucking mood, I hate with a passion when people bail! I have gone to effort by cleaning & shaving for the fucking guy to bail! I didn’t even want him to come over because I knew I’d be home late & rope relaxes me so I get really sleepy but I didn’t want to say no & then not see him this week.

After rope, the whole way home, I think that he will be in my driveway waiting for me, with his hoodie, knowing that he shouldn’t have bailed… Yes, I bet he’s there at my house ready to make it up to me! (Hahaha, as if, this is my life after all!) I read his message but I take ages to respond because I want to see if he’s at my house before I say something I’ll regret. I pull up to my house & he’s not there, my heart sinks, but I am not angry anymore, just fucking hurt & upset, so I just write “I’m not even sure what to say to this convo TBH… Tomorrow is ok” He writes back straight away “I’m sorry, neither do I really. We will work it out.” I roll over & go to sleep, I’m really upset, I get so fucking angry when I don’t get sex, when I thought I would, I know this, but I am also sad that I am not worth the drive for a couple of hours… Didn’t he say to me in the beginning that he’d jump in the car?

#IBD4U

Noddy always sends me pictures of himself at work or home, sending me pictures of what he’s doing, which is usually writing music, I love how motivated he is… For a guy that left home at 13, I am surprised he has so much ambition. I did wonder if the weed smoking would be a problem, being that it’s not really my favourite thing, but it’s not. I mean he constantly looks stoned in every picture he sends me but I guess, it’s only ever going to be a problem if we get serious together.

I tell Noddy about the feature on our phone, we have the same phone! (OMG that’s a sign! Hahaha… Everyone is usually apple!) We have a pen that you can use to write on the screen for notes etc. I always said I wouldn’t ever use it, but I actually use it all the time. Noddy said he’s never used it, so I write him a note saying that he should use the pen it’s amazing. So he uses it to write me a message back saying that’s cute as fuck then draws abs on a shirtless pic of him. I can’t help but laugh when I see the detail he’s gone too…

He tells me that he’s had a headache all day & gone home from work. I suggest water, so he sends me a picture of the water bottle, it look like it’s had 2 sips out of it. I show him the bottle that I’ve drunk & he uses the pen to show me that there is a ladybug on my desk at work. I ask him how his hickey is (that he asked for – but I’m paranoid about him giving one to me.) He sends me pictures all night of his night, having a few beers with the boys. I like that we have our own lives, but that he wants me involved in this way, via messaging…

The next week it’s Anzac week – therefore a public holiday & Noddy says that he’s going to come over after work & stay the night. I am more excited than I should be… I wanted to take things slow with this guy & I’m seeing him like 2 – 3 times a week at this rate & it’s only been 3 weeks… Noddy gets to my house & I’m watching Revenge so we seem to just watch that. I can tell he’s tired, he’s had a lot of work going on, he’s working on his music, his mum had the accident, his friend in is hospital, his ex is sending him messages all the time, he’s got me – I’m not a walk in the park… I tickle his back & he slowly inches his way to lay his head on my legs… I keep tickling his back & I know he’s going to sleep & really relaxed. I bet he hasn’t been this relaxed in weeks. We lay like that for a while, just tickling his back.

We go to bed & have sex, him tying me up again to the x restraints, even though he’s tired, afterwards, we’re laying there with the lights off & cuddling, when I start rubbing his chest & cock… This is so unlike me to make the first move with a guy, but I want him again. He climbs on top of me & fucks me, but says after I’ve cum a few times that he won’t cum again this quick. I ask him to make me cum again before he stops, which he does & we fall asleep in each other’s arms…

He leaves fairly early the next day being that it’s a public holiday, I’m surprised by this, but I guess we can’t spend all day together, however I was hoping to exercise with him for a change. Hahaha. We’ll probably never do that! I guess we have had lots of sexercise.

Later that night he’s messaging me about how amazing it was when I was tickling his back, he says that he loved it but it should’ve been the other way around… No way, I love doing that stuff for him too… I want to make him feel wanted, I do want him, so I want him to feel that – I have trouble verbalising it, so I need to show him. As a submissive I don’t get to do that often. “I’m so glad… last night was amazing… Just being there & almost falling asleep on you like that was so nice… I’m glad you like doing it hahaha. I do like be sub every now & then haha. But I like being dom way more. I like the control in the bedroom hahaa. Everything outside I think is an equal thing. Showing affection and stuff like that. Hahaha. And I also don’t believe it’s a man’s job & woman’s job. Like sewing and washing. I think if you can do it why not?” He did offer to sew my dress up as I’d ripped it – it actually surprised me that he can sew… I can’t sew… He talks about the future so much that is scares me. Or talks about the things we will do, that I am getting caught up in it… I know from past experience, that generally the “we” stuff never happens with men I’ve me, yet I fall for it every time… I mean just look at all the sex toys I have bought over the years, even the trench coat for Abs, the lingerie for Noodle & have talked to numerous guys about using sex toys or bought them to use with them, but they never have enough time to use them with me!

I suggest that we take some photos & video when we have sex next & he agrees… I mean what guy wouldn’t… He says that he doesn’t need it for inspiration when I say he can use it to rub one out, he says he doesn’t do that very often… What a lie! Hahaha…

I forgot, as he went to leave at Easter I was on his side of the bed (Fuck I’m calling it his side of the bed!) & I passed him the Easter present I gave him. He put it on my dresser & left it there… Well either he didn’t want it & I shouldn’t have given it to him, like a dickhead that I am or he just plain forgot it… He never mentions it though the week… I consider asking him how it was to see what he’d say but I don’t. He finally takes it at Anzac day & sends me a picture of him eating it… At least now I don’t feel like such a wanker for giving it to him. I thought honestly that he would have something for me for Easter, which is why I got him an egg… He’s talked about flowers & how he does that for no reason & that I deserve flowers… So I figured with how thoughtful he is with other things, he’d have something for me… But it’s not big deal that I have nothing from him. We have plenty of time for that stuff…

I, for some reason start calling him Spark plug, when I start thinking of nicknames that are related to cars. Ironically, though he has car trouble the next day & he tells me that it’s his spark plugs that were the problem! I kind of feel bad for his car but I don’t stop calling him spark plug. It’s a cute nickname, just for him. I have nicknames, but everyone calls me them!

I am, for once, looking forward to seeing where this goes…. There is no pressure or expectations like I thought there would be, we are just seeing where it goes & for the first time in my life, I don’t need a definition or a label. I am so content with this as it is, seeing each other every few nights & chatting daily when we can. It’s absolutely what I am looking for right now.

#IBD4U

So this isn’t my usual thing but I notice a lot of people on Instagram posting screenshots of chats from guys – I’ve always thought that was weird… But I guess I wrote about the guys I meet or chat to all the time… Hahaha, so what’s more weird talking about it or showing you a screenshot?!I guess it’s weird that I save the screenshot? But I do that for research & blog purposes only now. However some of the things people say don’t warrant a full 1000+ word blog post but perhaps they deserve a blog post in some way!Some post the persons name & pictures etc, but I will protect their identity & have blacked out (used the bomb emoji) what I can. But these are actual screenshots I saved of conversations that I’ve had on various sites over the course of my dating life. Some are these are from sites when I was just looking for sex, some are from sites when I was being serious about finding a partner, some are just random texts. See if you can tell what site is what. Hahaha.Thought it might be a fun change of pace for my blog posts… Hope you enjoy this format.

So there you have it… A difference in my blog posts… Hope you enjoyed this format. Something different. Let me know what you think. I might do some more like this if you like it.

#IBD4U

Noddy & I wake up in the morning, it’s Easter. My rolling around wakes him up & he says “Morning gorgeous” & tells me he loves waking up next to me. I can’t really reply to that because I am emotionally retarded, I mean I do actually love this, I haven’t done this for a fucking long time & it was biggest fantasty with Noodle but I have a stupid brain that basically won’t let me tell this guy how much I like this… But I have also stupidly bought him a Easter egg, which I am now too embarrassed to give him. I get up twice before I get the courage to say to him “Oh look the Easter bunny has been.” He doesn’t really say thank you or seem to appreciate it, just putting it on the bedside table. I feel a bit dumb but he cuddles into me, then later on he does the same as yesterday, he makes me a cup of tea then goes outside for a smoke before coming back into fuck me.

We’re chatting about the group & he says something about sending a picture to the group of him in my bed… While I want him too because I remember how much I hated that Noodle & I were a secret, I am very aware that it’s only been a few weeks with Noddy. This will put pressure on us from everyone in the group. I don’t want to push this guy, I am very aware that I am liking him too much being that he’s stayed at my house basically all weekend, & there are so many red flags with him. He’s only just got out of a relationship… I am not over my previous relationship or whatever the fuck that was… I don’t want to hurt him just as much as I don’t want him to hurt me…

But he sends the picture & everyone knows… He’s in my bed… I secretly am happy but I am also concerned about what this will do to us… This is still new & fragile… I don’t want pressure on it.. I want to see where this goes without pressure or expectations.

We get up & eat leftover pizza for breakfast. I’m brushing my teeth walking around doing stuff when I see him in a bandanna & he says “Well… Obviously” just like Antoine Dodson & I literally spit my toothpaste everywhere & choke on the toothbrush. Fucking hell this guy is so hilarious, just exactly the sense of humour I want. Exactly what I am attracted too!

We sit around on the couch again watching Revenge & I now wish because of our conversations, if I offered to go exercise, I want to exercise with him, show him that side of me, but all I did was show him the fat slob side. As we’re sitting on the couch, I tell him that my family will be there soon for family dinner & he says that he better go, but he starts kissing me & we end up fucking quickly, both cumming hard. He tells me that I gave him “Fuck me eyes” I remember Noodle saying that I gave him ‘fuck me’ eyes before, but what the fuck are fuck me eyes? Whatever – who cares, I mean if I gave him that sign, it’s fine, I did want him to fuck me before he left. How much sex have we had this weekend!

As soon as he leaves, I empty the bathroom bin of the condom graveyard, have a shower & my parents rocks up 20 minutes after he leaves… Fuck that was close! Hahaha… My parents are never first to my house, nor are they ever early – like EVER! I message Noddy to tell him that was fucking close! Hahaha… No guy has ever met my family, well besides boyfriend. I wonder how some guys would react if they did meet my family?! I think he’d be ok with it…

Over the next couple of days Noddy & I talk a lot… He tells me that he’ll always be there for me to lend an ear & he’d do that for any of his friends because they’ve all helped him… He tells me that brought a tear to his eye… I tell him that he’s a good guy & he tells me I’m amazing. I offer up a hug if I could (which is so unlike me, but I am feeling for this guy right now) he says “I know you would. And that’s why you are amazing too” I tell him that we’re very alike in some ways but very different in others. He says “Yeah… I agree, it’s great having you in my life even if this ends up going nowhere & it’s just a fling… I’d be glad to call you my friend & someone I know. You are a great person” He wants this to be a fling? FUCK… I am so stupid! I have been really thinking about this man & being in his life & he wants me to be a fling?! I write back thanks with a smiley face because I have no fucking idea what to say to that… “Sorry, not trying to scare you away haha. That sounds bad… yeah.. I don’t have a great vocabulary when it comes to some of these things” I say that he didn’t scare me, but I am not sure what to say, because it’s true… He says that he just wanted me to know & I ask “You want me to know that I’m a fling?” he replies instantly “What no… that you are amazing & even if it ends I still wanna be friends” I have heard this from Noodle before… & look how well that turned out!! Hahaha… I mean can you really be friends with someone who’s been inside you?

I tell him later that I am surprised at how much I actually like him, which is so unlike me, I never tell guys how I’m feeling because it usually comes back to bite me in the ass. I surprise myself by telling him this & he says “Nwwww, that’s cute as fuck. Thanks heaps that means a lot to me. You are amazing #IBD4U. I love spending time with you.” WOW… I didn’t expect that from him… Though I guess this guy does tell me more than any other guy so far how much he likes me… He sends me a shirtless picture & I tell him off because I’m horny. I say “I’ll send you naked pics when you’re horny & see how you like it” Then I realise that’s a stupid threat. He tells me it’s the best threat ever. But he’d prefer the real thing than a picture “Fuck pictures… I’d rather get in the car” It’s good that the distance isn’t going to be a problem, I really was worried about that… So many guys tell me that the distance isn’t an issue, then it becomes one. I tell him that I don’t send nudes often anyway because of my breast reductions scars from 6 years ago. He says “Yeah… I get that… but they look amazing… Fuck the scars. I think they just define your beauty even more… Shows how much you’ve been though” JESUS CHRIST this guy is smooth as fuck!

I need to put a wall back up here… I mean I met this guy in the chat app & I’ve seen it ruin lives… I mean, mine for one with Noodle… It ruined his & his partners… I am so cautious of people, but I’m also trying not to tar him with the same brush. He says “Even if you do, I’ll wash that away & show you a different colour… Take as much time as you need. I’ll be here, it’s what I do” Oh really? Wow… While he doesn’t know my history & I’m going to avoid telling him the ins & outs if I can about Noodle, if we get that far, but I am glad he’s willing to take this slow & see where it goes. I pose the same question that I posed to Noodle once or twice “Why me?” he says “The mystery. The previous encounters. The beauty. Something I’m not used too. Maturity, deep conversations. I won’t lie, I used to go for stupid little girls all the time… Sick of the drama.” Well I’m sure there is drama with me, I won’t deny that! Hahaha but he says there is a lot less.

He tells me about some drama with his ex girlfriend today, he tells me that she’s been messaging him, wanting him back… FUCK, I feel a pang of jealously! Most people do go back, I mean look at Noodle… However I listen & try to be subjective, not like a jealous chick listening into his private conversations with a conflict of interest. He says “It’s good to talk to someone about this shit, & when I’m with you, I forget all about that shit.” I am glad he can talk to me & I say so, but “I don’t want to just be your rebound fling & get hurt myself” Even though I know that I’m the first he’s been with since her, he says “I don’t want to hurt you at all. That’s the last thing I want to do. You are an amazing person” I tell him that his fling comment has me a bit worried. I’m not going to lie either. “Yeah but please don’t panic… I don’t want you to think anything into it too much… I don’t want this to be a fling. It’s just I wanna be 100% honest with you about what’s happening. I feel it’s the only right thing to do” Fuck I love how mature this guy can be… While he doesn’t always say the right thing, he sometimes says the most perfect thing to put me at ease… Maybe too at ease… But I am glad I am letting my guard down with this guy… It kind of feels right…

#IBD4U

Wednesday comes & Noddy comes over after work, we start to watch a movie but are more cuddly this time this time from the start, I am not normally a cuddling person so I’m surprised he’s gotten me to this point so quickly. It feels good to just have a few drinks with him & sit to relax – feeling comfortable with him. He seems more at ease at my place, he tells me before that he’s going to bring work clothes. He gets addicted to the TV show I’ve been watching which is really old, Revenge, but I watched a few seasons when it was on TV but didn’t watch it all so I have no idea what happened. He watches it & gets engrossed in it, but we end up going to the bedroom to have sex, he talks a lot more this time as in dirty talk, which I like & enjoy. We fuck a couple of times before he says that he can’t stay as he got halfway here & realised he forgot his boots… I am disappointed but it’s a school night so it’s ok if he leaves. But he could just get up earlier & go home to get them – since his house is on the way to his work, but he decides not to stay over. That’s ok, like I said I don’t sleep well when he’s over so I am ok for him to go home.

I wake up the next morning, rolling over & actually disappointed that he’s not there, fuck that was an unexpected disappointment… I look at my phone to find a message from him at 1:52 am “OMG… I can’t sleep again. Haha. I have you on the brain so bad… I’m sitting here thinking about how I should’ve stayed… And how I’m going to make it up to you when I come over tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see you. And I can’t wait to feel you squirm underneath me. Or feel you laying on my chest just relaxing on the couch. I hope this was a great message to wake up too. Haha. Good morning” WOW fuck yes that was a good message! I am wishing he stayed but he’s planning to stay at my house for Easter a couple of nights. We’ve discussed exercising & going out, so it should be a good weekend & it will be the longest I’ve ever spent with a guy in 12 fucking years! I am liking this guy too much… There are red flags everywhere, why has he been able to break down my barriers so easily & so rapidly? Probably because he’s such a smooth talker…

On Easter Friday I am at my families house, he says that he’s going to come over about 7:00 pm, I had in my head that it’d be a little earlier than that so when I get home, I clean my house. I am always conscious of that fact that my house is apparently “too clean” as per Noodle but I mean this is who I am, I can’t be anything different from who I am. I hope that Noddy doesn’t use that I’m too clean against me, he’s already told me I have an eye for interior design, a few times actually…

He comes over & we have a few drinks watching Revenge again, he’s been so invested in it, asking me what is happening every night that I watch it. When we’re kissing on the couch, he goes down on me, which is so fucking good, it actually surprises me that a guy so young who’s had the same girlfriend for the last 8 years, but I’m happy that he is good at it. But I sit up, once I’ve cum & he looks alarmed, I kiss him & tell him that I want him to take me into my bedroom & tie to the bed & do what he wants. A smile quickly spreads across his face, I mean what guy could ever say no to that…

After we fuck & I cum & cum, he cums too, I realise that he’s not very cuddly after sex, usually jumping up to dispose of the condom then gets dressed going out for a smoke. This is when I usually like a cuddle. I lay there & look at my phone, I jump in the chat room & see a comment to me which I reply too. Noddy then jumps in & says “Damn, Why are you awake gorgeous girl” I say that I tried but couldn’t sleep so he says “Bahaha… well… Cuddle someone amazing… and sleep bitch hahaha” That’s about when he comes into my room laughing. Demon then says “Eww, stop being cute guys” so obviously he’s told her that he’s at my house. Noddy says “Never I’m a cute cunt” & Demon posts a picture of Antione Dodson (for those who don’t know who he is, it’s a YouTube video from a few years ago. I’ll post it so you can see, it’s hilarious!) Noddy doesn’t know who he is so I show his this video.

I show Noddy the video & we literally laugh our heads off while entwined with each other. He starts posting the lyrics in the group but then I decide to go to sleep, so I say goodnight, Demon tells Noddy “Look after her” & I smile, putting down my phone, knowing she is not a threat or anything I should be jealous of. She’s a proper girl code chick, these 2 are just friends. Noddy does the same, putting his phone on the bed next to him & rolling over to cuddle into my back, he spoons me so well… It’s been so long since I’ve been spooned & I fucking hate that I like it!

The next day we laze around in bed. I wake up a million times to him either snoring, talking in his sleep or because I’m hot because he’s too close, being that his phone has half my king sized bed. We toss & turn taking it in turns to spoon each other. I always find it weird when I spoon him that my head is like halfway down his back. I contemplate telling him we should go for a run, exercise or something, but I just want morning sex, which I get. He gets straight up & makes a coffee & makes me a tea then goes out for a smoke.

When he comes back we have sex again… I mean I can’t help it… When we get up I cook him breakfast of bacon & eggs… I have bought bread rolls, which I don’t eat on my carb free diet & so he says that I’m a legend for getting them for him… Yeah I am stupid, I do things like this then feel stupid, like buying him cans of coke I drink sugar free lemonade so don’t usually stock coke in my fridge. We sit around on the couch all day, as it gets later, I keep thinking we should go exercise or something, we’ve been talking about it, so why not… He says he wants to help me. But I don’t, I stay in my nighty thing while he heads out smoking. Some reason we’re talking about how many times we’ve fucked & I say “Who’s keeping count” He’s almost out the door so he turns & bobs a bit putting up his hand & says “Yo” I literally burst out laughing… Fuck I am so attracted to someone that can make me laugh with this kind of banter! Damn you Noddy for breaking down these walls! FUCK.

About 3:00 pm or so, he comes inside & says “I’m going to have to go shithead”, I don’t even know what to say, he was supposed to stay here tonight too… I can’t hide my disappointment, I can’t stand it when people bail. I ask what’s happened & he says that he just got a call to say his mum was in a car accident. FUCK. I tell him to go, that’s fine. I do say that he can come back if everything is ok & he says “really?”, I say of course being that I was planning him being there anyway so I am not doing anything. I hope his mum is ok & he leaves to go to the hospital. I have to say that the cynic side in me doesn’t really believe his story, I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I never heard him on the phone & it conveniently happened while he was outside… Fuck there is something wrong with me… I can’t help but think this shit!!

Later he texts me when he knows his mum is ok & I say that he can come back to see me, I tell him that he’s welcome to bring his weed (not that I am into that, but I know that he is & wonder if that is a reason he doesn’t stay. Max used to smoke weed at my house, so whatever) & just chill with me & a few drinks. He says that he’d really like to be there – I don’t think that he will come back, but the offer is there – it’s a lot of petrol to & from my house. But to my surprise, he gets back to my place about 7:00 pm that night. We have dinner, that I cook, healthy salad & meat & just relax on the couch. He smokes his weed so I think that makes him happier & more relaxed… He tells me that this is the healthiest he’s eaten in a while too. He tells me

We go to bed & have sex again, I swear to god, I can’t wait to not use condoms with this guy. I am getting my pap smear in a few weeks, where I’ll have a STI check, following all the drama with Noodle’s partner blaming me for her STI… Just another check to make sure I am ok still – it’s been about 6 months since my last STI check & time for my next pap smear so may as well do it again since the dr will be up there… I am planning to ask him to get a check & then we can have unprotected sex… I hate the disruption of putting on a condom. I wonder if he is going to be ok with that conversation, it basically means we’ll be exclusive… But I’m not ready to call him my boyfriend but I’m ready to say that we’re not fucking anyone else…

#IBD4U

So I’ve mentioned Rob Rob a lot throughout my stories, he’s always in my messages chatting to me sporadically, he’s been chatting to me again, but again always on his terms, when he’s free & when he can chat. Then he disappears for days coming back to say that he’s trying to be good & not be online – if you remember he is actually married. However I always fall in the trap of having phone sex with him over the chat app or texting him pictures of me in lingerie. I don’t know how I get wrapped up in this guy. I guess he’s the only real dominant man in my life that sets me tasks or makes me do things I don’t really want to do but they turn me. I really need a proper dominant partner!

We’re chatting one day as usual & he asks me to add him to my kink chat app group but I say no & change the subject. Firstly if he wanted to be in it, he could just find it, he knows how to use the app, he doesn’t need me to add him… But now the shoe is on the other foot, hahaha, I don’t want to add him to the group because I know that there a chicks in the group that would message him & he’d get caught up in their sexting & he’d forget about me. What a fucking turn around! So messed up!

One day I’m driving home, he starts messaging, I’m home early from work & he’s being suggestive so I say that he should come over, he says he wants too & really if he got in the car when he started suggesting it, he could’ve made it to my house, fucked me & then got home all before his wife, without being suspicious. However he doesn’t. I get home, get naked & video chat with him while we both cum – me more times than him, as I am told too. Again after that he disappears.

When he comes back we chat a bit, I try not to reply straight away, but I am always free when he messages, it fucks me off. One afternoon, I’m having some man trouble, with Noddy & Rob Rob just tells me to message him & stop the bullshit… It’s not my bullshit. I don’t get why this guy has suddenly changed…. But then Rob Rob asks me what I’m wearing. Next minute I’m sharing my erotica fiction – scene one – Nipple Bells while clipping on my nipple clamps & sticking a vibe between my legs while he tells me to video myself cumming. I am waiting for permission to cum as he is off doing something else as fucking usual, he’s not paying attention to me while I’m cumming for him. I tell him that he missed out because I already came. He says he was reading my story but I don’t think that’s entirely true as the messages sit at sending for a while.

I do as I’m told he tells me I’m a good girl then tells me to cum again. I ask if I can take the nipple clamps off which he lets me. I’m thankful, I was using another vibe on the nipple clamps, which turns me on even more but they were beginning to hurt. He makes me cum for him 3 more times in a 20 minute period then asks if he gives me a task would I do it? I say of course. But when he asks for me to fuck someone tonight, I know I can’t do it. I don’t want just random sex with a loser guy, I want to have regular sex with a guy. Doesn’t have to be my boyfriend but just someone regular, someone who isn’t trying to fuck everyone!

Later that day usually he’s offline as soon as he gets what he wants, so I’m surprised he’s chatting to me most of the night – where is his wife? I guess, mainly because he wants me to find someone to fuck tonight & video it, which I am not that keen on right now. As if a random guy would want to video us having sex?! He asks what I’m doing & I say that I’m watching TV & writing, he asks what I’m writing but I avoid the question, just like I do with every guy when I tell them I am writing (Why do I ever tell them that I am writing? I have told Noddy I’m a writer too!? Of course they ask what. I just say that I’m a freelance writer for some blogs about health, beauty, travel & love. Hahaha.) I don’t want them to know that I am writing a blog about them, I mean this guy is even has a couple of posts & is mentioned a fair bit… But he asks me again to I tell him. I end up telling him that I have a blog, I am not sure why I do. He asks to what it’s about & when I tell him he asks to read it. I tell him that he’s in it, which he doesn’t seem to mind. He says that the stories will turn him on because he’s heard about them as they were happening, since we used to chat a lot, I used to tell him about the guys I was fucking, I’m pretty sure he’s been one of the only guys that didn’t act jealous when I told him about the guys I was fucking. Guys say they don’t get jealous & want to hear about it but then they act weird. Rob Rob may get jealous wishing things were different, I guess, but he never acts weird about it.

He starts reading my blog & tells me that I’m a good writer (I hope so! Hahaha) & it was good for him to read his post. He starts to get worried people will know who he is, but honestly, it’s only obvious to him because he’s reading about himself. No one else will ever know, I try to be as respectful as I can to the guys I write about, it’s not entirely their fault it didn’t work out with me.

The next day Rob Rob calls me on the way to work to chat, we chat about the blog & the stuff going on in my dating life right now. He tries to get me to meet him for lunch as he’s home from work, but I say no as it’s my day in the office, however when my boss isn’t at work that day I suggest we meet for lunch as I can leave the office but he then he says no, I should wait to see what happens tonight… WTF? I don’t think I will ever understand men!

I’m also a little surprised though but also a little chuffed when he tells me that he considers us to be friends, bound by kink. I mean I agree, but I never thought he would say that to me! I guess these douchy dominate guys don’t come across to have a heart like they really do sometimes. I mean I was always the same with Noodle, when he said he loved me, I never thought those words would come out of his mouth!

#IBD4U

The next morning I wake up at 5:00 am, I can’t sleep. WHAT THE ACTUAL FACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?! I toy with the idea of deleting Noddy, Demon & the guy she’s fucking (though it turns out Noddy had the wrong dude! So I would’ve deleted the wrong guy Hahaha.) But I decide not too, I calm down a bit & decide that I need to find out what happened… I actually chat to Rob Rob about it ironically, yes I’ve been chatting to him again, he’s always around, he tells me to give the guy a chance, to find out his side of the story, maybe he didn’t get lost for 3 hours with Demon? Because that’s what I think happened… My mind goes weird places sometimes… Maybe he did try to find me, but then why wouldn’t he message?

I decide to write him a message when out to brunch with my friend “Hey, what the hell happened to you last night?!” I wait with baited breath for his reply with comes 20 minutes later “Heya, was gonna ask you the same thing, you just disappeared after I went down for a smoke, I came back up & your friend said you were playing pool, but I couldn’t find you” Why didn’t he text me then? “You realise that was like 3 hours apart you going for a smoke & me playing pool? I was actually waiting for you to come back up for ages” Like really Noddy? “Fk… I didn’t… Not at all, I’m sorry, time isn’t my strong suit. Hahaha especially when drinking. You should’ve message me… like oi dick come back…” Yeah he’s right, I should’ve text him but he should’ve come back without me having to be a nagging wife… “I just assumed if you wanted to hang with me, you’d come back I’m not going to beg you. You also turned me on quite a lot, I was actually going to ask you to come home with me, I’d already kinda decided that earlier but was trying to be good, but then you were kissing my shoulders… mmmm… oh well” I hope he realises what he gave up last night “That’s fair, I feel heaps bad… I just get sidetracked so easy when I drink.. Fuck… You have no idea how much I adored you last night… You looked stunning… I’m sorry I missed that opportunity, I’ll make it up to you. Well I want to.” We chat about it & realise that we both should’ve done different things that night, He understands why I am disappointed & he says that he’s genuinely sorry he missed me in Rope. I tell him it’s ok, I do rope for me so it doesn’t matter if he missed it. He reads it & never replies the rest of the day but chats in the group… WTF dude… I don’t understand this guy sometimes.

The next day again he chats in the group but not to me – again, sending pics of him working on cars & whatnot, so I take matters into my own hand, I am done with games. Either this guy is into me, or not. Doddy says he thinks I became victim of weed, losing track of time, so I think I need to see what this guys deal is – Doddy also gives me snaps for being so bold to message Noddy first. I message & ask if he is free to watch a movie at my house after my family dinner. It’s Sunday night so I don’t expect much to happen, I have the next day off, so I don’t mind if it’s a bit later, but I know he’ll have to work tomorrow about an hour from my house. He says “Hell yes” that he wants to come over. I tell him about 8:30 pm – 9:00 pm that my family will be gone, I send him my address but tell him that I will message him when they are leaving. They start packing up at 7:50 pm, it’s earlier than usual for school holidays so I message him, knowing the drive is about 45 minutes to my house. He tells me that he’s already on his way & was just going to park somewhere so he was here as early as possible… OMG that’s so fucking cute!

He gets to my house & I offer him a drink, he can’t decide what he wants but I tell him can have anything from my bar he wants, I have also bought cans of coke while at the shop for him – like some kind of loser that I am. He finally decides & we watch ‘Suicide Squad’ because the next Switch theme is Gotham & I haven’t ever seen a batman movie, which no one can believe… We cuddle on the couch but my back has been heaps sore lately that I get uncomfortable, so we move a bit then we end putting on ‘The Dark Knight’ but don’t watch it all because he kisses me, we get naked, well I am in sexy lingerie for him – which he probably doesn’t deserve, but I want to show him who I really am. He doesn’t take it off me, because I think he likes what he sees, he goes down on me which is so good, when he slips his fingers in me, I am scared I’m going to squirt so because we’re on the couch, I ask to take this to the bedroom which he agrees.

He goes down on me again, & he’s a lot better than I think he’s going to be, I cum quite hard enjoying the pleasure that I haven’t had from another guy in a few months. I push him down on the bed & suck his cock, knowing I won’t be able to get this in my mouth, but I try to take it all, he seems to enjoy it but doesn’t make a lot of noise. I climb on top of him kiss his neck, which he seems to love… He shivers the whole time but I want him inside me. He then flips over so he’s on top of me again, asking for a condom, I pull one out, he slides it on & I brace myself. But he fits inside me well, I’m surprised his giant long cock doesn’t hurt me – very surprised. He fucks me well, making me cum before he says “I’m not gonna lie, I just came” I giggle & say that’s ok, I’ve already cum so it was ok & he’d gone down on me for ages, making me cum multiple times.

We lie around talking, cuddling for so long, I lay on top of him kissing his neck which when I rub my hands through his hair, he gets goose bumps all over, I get that he likes it so I keep doing it… When he’s had enough, I look at the clock it’s almost 2:00 am. I want to ask if he’s staying but I also don’t want him to think I am trying to kick him out, I do want him to stay over but I also don’t want to be too eager. So I finally build up the courage & he says he should go, but doesn’t move, we keep lying there chatting & I just say to him “Turn off the bloody light” with a giggle, which he does & we snuggle down to sleep. It’s been so long since I slept with someone all night, it was so good. I actually don’t sleep well with someone in my bed but I do like him there. I am sort of sleeping when his alarm starts going off, we cuddle closer & he says “Good Morning Gorgeous” & I wonder what the fuck my face & hair looks like right now. We kind of close our eyes but his phone keeps going off. I want sex so we start kissing & have some hot morning sex before we get up. We talk a little bit more during sex, as I notice us loosening up with each other, where we do connect. He gets up & gets dressed but says he doesn’t want to go, knowing that I don’t have to work today. He says that he should call in sick, I say yeah call in sick & giggle knowing that he should go to work, I tell him to go. But he takes ages to piss fart around before he actually leaves.

He messages me later in the morning to wish me luck for my day, knowing that I have a job interview & I thank him for that. He knows that if I get this job, I will have to buy a car, he’s offered to come look at the car with me, being that he’s a mechanic. I am stupidly excited about this, I know I said I didn’t want a relationship, but this is a very boyfriendy thing to do & I feel myself soften to him even more. Later we talk about a 50’s housewife & he googles dresses to send to me in my signature colours, I think it’s hilarious but also adorable. We arrange for him to come over the following Wednesday after work & I almost can’t wait to see him again.

During the week though, he tells me that he’s got some bad news, I wonder what it is but I don’t want to pry. He tells me that one of his mates was beaten up by her partner. Having been though a domestic violent situation with my friend recently, I understand how it affects those around it too, because you think about the things you should of done, the signs etc. I offer him advice & let him know that I have been though a similar thing recently, I don’t talk about it much but I feel like he needs to know that I can empathise with him. He says that his friend is in the hospital & he’s going to feed her animals. This guy is so busy, he’s got so much going on, but yet he still makes time for me, he still makes me feel special. I am so glad he’s this type of friend, because it’s the same as me… I would do anything for my friends, anytime that they ask me.

#IBD4U

A reader brought to my attention some show’s coming up at the Fringe soon & it promoted me to write this blog, not really about dating but I guess about kink – in a way – which also seems to be the number one question from my readers, always asking about kink. I am no expert, but I am more than happy to share what I know. However, the fringe for those who don’t know is a festival every year in Mad March in Adelaide. But interestingly, I had been to this fringe show that my reader suggested.

Adelaide is a small city but in March everything is in Adelaide. We have The Fringe – a festival with comedy, dance art etc events. We have a car race called Clipsal 500 – a 4 day car racing event in the streets of Adelaide, we have WOMAdelaide – A 4 day music & dance festival in the park, We have the Adelaide Festival – a festival of other arts such as dance, opera, plays etc. There is also Writers week – which involves a program of events to showcase writers. Now I believe from my research on this matter, there is now Tasting Australia at the end of March 2020 – which is for foodies… No wonder the rest of the year we are in hibernation.

So my little home town comes alive in March & the weather is usually hot, it’s just a great time to be in Adelaide. Little summer pop up food trucks & bars come out of the wood works, it’s just a great place to be… If you’re not from here & looking for a visit, I suggest March for a visit here. It’s amazing. The garden of unearthly delights is the best atmosphere & random shows are always a good laugh!

Anyway, back to my lovely reader suggestion. She sent me though the Adult only bubble show & said that I should go as they boast that they are a kinky show! OOOH… intriguing for a gal like me, right?! However I actually went to this show in 2019! Hahaha!

So the display picture for the show is a stripper heel, you know the black patent leather strappy platform – that to be perfectly honest with you, looks like it’s seen better days (why wouldn’t they get a brand new shoe for a promo poster?!) It’s an upside down foot & shoe, there is a piece of string around the heel, so one would assume that the woman is lying down using the string to being the foot up towards her… with 2 bubbles on the string that’s pulling the hell… There is a big bubble on the sole of the shoe… The lighting is dark with a purple background. it actually looks pretty cool but I am studying the picture now to describe it & it’s looking more & more tacky! Hahaha.

The event blurb:

“Mix one part physical theatre, one part bubble artistry and one part neo-burlesque, and you get a soapy concoction of kinky, in-your-face theatrics. A raucous and raunchy affair with a surprising story arc full of abstractness and the slightly grotesque, a surreal performative experience that wonderfully showcases the technical prowess of bubble art on a first-class level. Every bubble trick in the book shown in the naughtiest way possible.”

(https://adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/bubble-show-for-adults-only-af2020?venue=166%3A865)

It sounds so fun, right… For a self proclaimed kinky chick like me, it sounds like it’d be right up my ally. An hour long kink show for only $20 (As I’m a member!) Yep this is something I need to go too.

A couple of friends, the couple I met at the Play party & went to Maslin Beach with were the ones who suggested it, I buy the tickets & one extra for my other friend & we head out to the Garden (As it’s called for locals) to see this show. I am actually excited, I have been to Rope shows before as you know. When I went with Milky I was mesmerized. I went to other shows as I got more & more into Rope as you know so I thought this would also wow me.

This show, while amazing what they do with bubbles was not kinky nor was it at all risque. I mean when the woman took off her bikini top, they covered her in bubbles then she quickly ran off stage & had a different costume on – so you didn’t even see boob or nipple really… I would expect nudity at a kink show. The show is dripping with innuendo & sexual themes, but it’s not really what I would call kinky… Definitely R18+ because they do have a lot of innuendo, (plus they do do a kids show, this one is adults only) but not what I would call a kink. I guess unless bubbles get you off!

I may be desensitised to kink perhaps, with all the things I have seen, done & experienced in the past few years to really find this a kinky show, while I enjoyed it, laughed a lot & really was thinking “How the fuck do they do that with bubbles?” I didn’t really think it should be given a kinky tagline.

I think if anyone is looking for a show this year in 2020, they should see this, it was a great show! I am not at all saying it was shit (like some shows I have seen over the years) This was a great show, they are supremely talented with bubbles & I was intrigued the whole show. But just don’t go expecting it to be kinky… I mean I am not sure what I was thinking it would be like, but maybe like I said I am just too close to kink now…

If anyone goes to see it this year, it’s about $25 or cheaper if you’re a member, please let me know what you think! Or if there are other kinky shows I should go too, let me know!

#IBD4U

On the morning before date 2, Noddy messages me to say “Good morning gorgeous” & to tell me that he’s sick… OMG not this old chestnut! Origin was synonymous for this, always waiting till the day of our date bailing… I feel like Noddy is setting this up so he can bail on me! However Noddy says that he hopes it’s nothing because he wants to see me tomorrow night. I say “I hope you feel better” after he says to me “Hope you have a great day today” almost cutting off the conversation, which he reads then never replies too – righto!

When he starts chatting to me again later in the day he tells me later that he was overthinking that I didn’t want to chat to him… I mean he was the one who kind of ended the conversation, so I don’t know where he got that, but he finally messages me hours later, to see how my day was. I always refuse to write to them if they read my message & don’t reply. I never not reply to messages – I try to think of something to say, so why do they do it to me?

Later that night he has me in absolute fits of laughter when he tells me he has a walk in robe, he sends a picture of it & I say that’s just a fucking cupboard – not a walk in robe, so he sends me a picture of him standing in his actual cupboard! Fucking hell I laugh so hard at that… This guy is just so funny, with those type of one liners. I like this banter, the funny jokes! I like that he can make jokes, but is still quite mature.

The next day as I get ready for work, I do so as if I am going to see him tonight but also feeling like a fuckwit knowing that he is going to bail because he’s set up the sick card & broken toe card to play, he’s got a cold & a broken toe. He’s also been talking about coming to Switch on Friday night – so if he does he’ll see me then anyway, maybe a mid week date is too much? I toy with the idea of inviting to come to my house prior & come in with me & my friends. but I decide not to. But strangely enough, he doesn’t bail tonight – I had told him to get vitamins, he said he had but who knows if he actually did. That same day in the group it’s “Wangs out Wednesday” & Noddy shares 2 dick pics… Not my favourite thing, being that I don’t like to see them before I’ve seen them in really life but when I see it, I think fucking hell that’s a very long dick, I have no idea how that will fit inside me! You all know I don’t like a big dick because they usually hurt me & now I’m scared to fuck this guy…

10 minutes before I finish work, I ask where he is & he says “I’m almost there but you said 8:30 pm” I say it’s all good, I was just wondering if he was waiting for me to message him. I drive past the restaurant, twice but it’s closed, so I go to the local pub & message him to tell him I’m there waiting. He arrives & kisses me on the cheek sitting down, we order dinner & drinks which he pays for again, but at least both times, I’ve been able to pay for the second round. I wonder if this guy realises that he doesn’t have to pay for everything, that I probably earn about $400 a week more than he earns plus I have a work car. (I’ve kind of worked that out from what he’s said about his pay, not a judgement, I couldn’t care less what he earns, just as long as he works!)

We talk easily for a few hours over 2 drinks, I say that we should’ve cancelled tonight being that he’s going to come to Switch but he tells me that he wanted to see me. Awwww, that’s so cute. I did want to see him more before Switch because I am worried about what it’ll be like, I mean we haven’t even kissed yet. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to come to Switch but I can’t say no… I also let him know that I am being tied up at Switch & he says that he can’t wait to see it. I can’t wait to show him either. I have picked some lingerie & a skirt that I am wearing, I am getting my makeup done again so just have to do my hair. I am pretty excited, I have thought about inviting Noddy back to my house after switch if things go well & I will drop him home in the morning.

During the few days between our dinner & Switch, he is writing to me about another friend who seems to have noticed in the group we’ve dated, so I ask if he’s told him, he says no he didn’t tell him but on Friday night they will all know anyway. Says he doesn’t think they will have to ask (assuming he’s going to kiss me finally!) but then he oddly says “She said she has a fat ass. I said it’s ok, I’ll help you work it off. I’m good at helping. She’s knows I run & my times & distance. So she said but you’re too fast for me” I think what the actual fuck?! Who is that too? That is basically word for word what I just wrote to him… What is he doing? I ask & he says that he’s been talking to Demon, she asked how it was going with me. I am fine with him chatting to others but unsettled that he’s basically sending her word for word account of what I said… I mean I shouldn’t be surprised, he did send me screenshots of what the other chick said to him & I saw on his other chat to Doddy that he sent a screenshot of how he asked me out the first time. I am ok with her but I am taken back to the time with Noodle being friends with the chick Max kissed at Switch that one time… Noodle was good friends with her & told her a lot about me… This is the part I don’t like, I don’t want people to know everything about me… Noddy tells me that Demon encourages him heaps about me, which I appreciate. But I am always skeptical. I know that chick that Max had kissed offer her virginity to Noodle when they first started chatting, so I am jaded of peoples intentions I guess on the chat app.

My friends & I get to Switch & Noddy is already there with Demon. Well right, that was unexpected… I know they’re friends but he didn’t tell me & also didn’t tell me he was wearing an outfit borrowed from her – I hate that that makes me jealous! Noddy & I kiss & chat a bit, it’s the first time we’ve kissed, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to kiss him because of his teeth, but I do find this guy attractive… The first floor show goes on & then Ripples takes me over to tie me up but everyone disappears, I get tied & its over when I see Noddy come up & sit down to watch, but then he gets up & walks off, I thought he wanted to see this? By the time he comes back with a drink for me, I am back in my shoes & skirt & really disappointed. He can tell, I can’t hide it. I know I do rope for me, but I wanted him to see what I enjoy. I tell him it’s ok but I can’t hide my disappointment, not just of him but all of my friends, they all went outside smoking & didn’t see any of it. I try to change my face to be happy, but I am really upset. FUCK I hate that I do this… Why I can’t I just be happy? He stands behind me kissing my shoulders & turning me on, that I melt, yes I am going to invite this guy home with me tonight! I hope he says yes… He kisses & touches me though out the whole next show, that I forget that he didn’t see me get tied up, he seems genuinely disappointed that he didn’t get to see it, he says that he wished he did. After the show finishes, he kisses me & says that he’s just going outside for a cigarette. I watch others get tied & some wax play, some other impact play, but as I walk around the nightclub all night waiting for Noddy to come back up, I never see him again that night!

I go downstairs & play pool before my friends take me home, after a couple of friends leave my house, I start crying to my friend. So unlike me, since I said the L word with Noodle, I can’t stop crying now! Hahaha… I can’t believe that Noddy never came back to see me, he told me how much he wants me but then disappeared for 3 hours. In hindsight, I probably should’ve gone downstairs to the beer garden & dragged his ass back up, but I didn’t… I didn’t even message to say goodbye but I’m also angry that he hasn’t messaged to ask me where I am!

WTF, we’re both acting like idiots…

#IBD4U

Abs is in the groups I’m in on the chat app for a while before I finally allow him to chat to me privately. I am very funny about private messaging people but that is how I got in to trouble with Noodle. I am also not convinced when a man doesn’t show his face on the app that they aren’t single.

He tells me that he’s been waiting for me to private message him & that he’s gotten a message from my friend, which I knew she would message him as she messages everyone new to the group, plus he has a hot picture up of his body & abs. I tell him that I will leave him for her as we’re in different stages of life, I am not wanting to just fuck anyone, I know my friend is just keen to have sex & this guy is probably looking for just sex. However he said that he wants me & he won’t fuck her. I tell him about myself as he asks, telling him that I’m a little kinky & love my job plus I do a lot of exercise. He says that I sound like fun! He’s a couple of years younger, says he’s single with no kids & has a huge sex drive… Ding Ding Ding!

I tell him that I’ve been going to rope classes every week & really getting into that. I send him some of my less erotic rope pics, literally me in gym gear at class & explain why I deem trust the number one thing when thinking about getting kinky with someone.

We start by sharing pictures & I start to let my guard down a bit with him – maybe he isn’t so bad, showing him my other kink & that is lingerie. I got obsessed with it when I was with Noodle, I’ve yet to find a man who’s eyes pop out their head like his did when they see me in lingerie.

I find out that he lives miles away from me, in the northern hills of Adelaide. I’m a southern chick near the beach that I realise, this probably won’t work out. However I find myself telling him my real job, not sales rep like I usually tell everyone & I suggest a drink halfway on the weekend to see if we click & then we can see where it goes. I say something about fucking on his desk but he says he has about 40 employees & suggest my desk, but I work in an open office. He asks me to turn up to the weekend drink in a trench coat. This is a fantasy I’ve wanted to do for a while, I wanted to do it with Noodle but I always thought we’d have more time, so I never bought a trench coat. That fucking time bullshit… I always thought we’d have more of it… Always.

I send Abs a lot more lingerie pictures, loving the reaction from him, it’s been a while since I get this kind of reaction. Crows didn’t really care about lingerie when I wore it & I haven’t been with anyone multiple times for them to deserve me in lingerie. This guy seems to appreciate it & even says that he used to buy Honey Birdette for his ex. I show him some of my Honey Birdette. I also shop online for a trench coat, finding a cheap one at Cotton on with free postage, I purchase it thinking that this little fantasy might not be with the guy I thought it would be with, but I will get it at least. Another way to distract myself from thinking about Noodle.

It’s later at night when I get home in my gym gear, he asks me to show him what I’m wearing, which I do & then he tells me to take it off. I am already in my underwear so I take a picture of myself. Then between me hitting send & his reply, my friend something about him to me on the chat app & how they are chatting… WTF?! He said he wasn’t going to chat to her…! I feel like a fucking fool. I write “Well I’m sorry I sent that because I feel like a fool for trusting you… & now even more foolish for sending pics” (Nothing I hate more than feeling like a fool, Noodle made me feel like a fool!) he says that he doesn’t understand but I considering just ghosting him, but I’m trying to change my karma… I don’t want to be that person, I have it done to me enough, maybe that’s why I am ghosted, because I treated someone bad in the past? You all know that these men are not all at fault, I play a part in the failures just as much as they do.

So I decide to write back “So you know… I trusted you, you said you weren’t chatting to anyone (especially my friend) & I let my guard down, PMed you, sent pics which I never do! You would have seen I said no to PMing last night… I’m very different to my friend, I need to trust inexplicably to do what I want sexually, I’m not looking for a quick one off fuck…” I am so sick of people trying to fuck everyone… Don’t they want someone they can get to know? “I didn’t ever say I wasn’t chatting to anyone… I chat to a lot of people. I don’t know what I’m after… drinks & a meal with someone, blowjobs & a movie with someone else, three ways with someone else, I’m up for anything but I’m not going to limit myself to just one option…” Ok, so I guess that answered my question. “Well I don’t care what anyone does with others, except like I said even though it was a bit of a joke, I do want to be the priority with a guy for a change & I care about my friendships with people on here.” My friendships mean more to me than a random guy… Plus I do want to be the priority for a fucking change… I never am, I don’t know what it is about me that guys don’t want to prioritise me, but they just don’t! “Ok… I didn’t mean to upset you my apologies. Just to be clear I’d love to keep chatting & meet up, but I’m going to be chatting to other people too.” I mean I can’t really be angry about that or his honesty, I mean I was chatting to other people even when I was in love with Noodle, so I can’t expect anything less from a stranger. “Yeah I don’t expect exclusivity. Lets not get carried away… However just don’t spin me bullshit about not talking to my friend then talk to her behind my back. I expect honesty because like I said, what I like to do in the bedroom requires a lof of trust & not just a one off fuck.” Hours later he writes back “Hope you’ve had a good night.” I delete him, what the fuck. I am sick of stupid games.

A month later, Abs comes back into my chat room & then PM’s me. We’d chatted in the room so he says that he thought I hated him. I never said I hated him, I mean I don’t even know the guy to be honest. I was just pissed about what happened. I tell him that I feel like an idiot, an idiot for buying a tench coat for when I met him too, He can’t believe that I did, I can’t believe that I did either. He asks me out for dinner & drinks but he’s been chatting to my friend the whole time that I don’t want a guy to come between me & our friendship, so she can have him. He says that she started the conversation & he wasn’t going to say go away. I agree, he can talk to whoever he wants, but I am also going to bow out. He tells me that he thinks I am awesome & that he wants to catch up but I am not letting a guy come between him & I.

We basically stop chatting after that, I get that I am hard work for this guy, he lives far away anyway but he’s obviously doesn’t understand what I am trying to say here about my friendship.

Looking back, now on this story, lets be fair to this guy, he didn’t tell me he wasn’t talking to my friend, all he said is that he wouldn’t fuck her…I just assumed he’d stop talking to her… That’s what I wanted. I want an exclusive friends with benefits…. WTF is an exclusive FWB if not a boyfriend?! Fuck I’m so confused at what I want…

#IBD4U

The next day I write back to Noddy & explain again that I just don’t want to be just one of the many, it’s not what I want. I want open, honest communication whether it’s serious or casual relationship. He tells me that he was up all night thinking about me & even wrote me a song… (He’s also a budding song writer! Mainly hip hop rap type stuff but he used to be in a heavy metal band.) I am driving when I see the notification come up on my watch saying he’s written me a song… I look out the windows & then in the mirror on the visor & say out loud to myself like a freak in a movie “I don’t know how I feel about that!” Then I sort of laugh – yeah while diving by myself! I mean I haven’t even met this guy yet, we’ve only chatted a couple of days so far, it’s like surreal, no guy has ever written me a song before!

He screenshots it & sends it to me, it’s time stamped of last being edited was 2:56 am, so I know he’s not all full of shit…

Lady.

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

See there’s this girl

They call her lady bug

In the street ya wanna hug

See all the men

That wanna give her love.

She shuts herself off

Her heart is like a dove

Pure and clean

She could never be mean

The girl of your dreams

She’s so perfectly clean

When I talk to her man

I feel like it’s a dream

But they call her lady love

The one lady bug

See I fucked up                   but I’m making it right

Thought about you            all night

You see I like you               I don’t wanna fight

Just wanna hold you         oh so tight

Words can’t describe

My feelings inside

Felt I fucked it up

Now I wanna hide

Wanna fix it all

Take her for a ride

Not the sexy kind

I’m talking drive through the night

Sunrise, sunset

She’s the one I gotta her

So I wrote this song

So she knows

I want her all along…

Well that’s fucking cute as fuck… I actually can’t believe that worked on me! Hahaha… But it does… When he invites me out for lunch & a drink on Saturday afternoon, his treat, no pressure, I find myself saying yes. I’m also chatting to a friend Doddy (Yes they have matching names, Noddy has a man crush on Doddy!) who’s in the group too who’s in a relationship with my other friend, the one from the story Middle Aged Backpacker & he tells me that Noddy has been talking to him because he’s not sure what to do, he tells me that Noddy told him that he liked talking to others but wanted me. My friend told him to “Make a choice & stick to it either be a single player that’s not hurting anyone or commit to a girl & see where it goes.” (Good advice!)

Doddy also knows about the song so tells me that it wasn’t a generic song, you can’t just write those lines & change the name, unless it was for a Doug… He also shows me a screenshot from Noody that says “Well… I took the leap, asked her out for a late lunch & drink on sat… See how I go” Doddy says to him “Good. now be a gentleman or deal with me” Noddy tells him “After the other day, you have no fear of that haha” Doddy shows me another message from Noddy when I say yes to lunch “…Fk yeah buddy, she said yeah.. Woop woop. Haha.” I can’t help but smile, realising that this guy is actually into me.

Later that day Noddy & I are talking as usual, he chats a lot even though he’s at work – I’m not sure how he does that considering he’s a mechanic. Later in the evening though, he tells me that he wants to be honest with me, I’m worried about this honestly, I am not ready to be completely honest with him, so I brace myself “I don’t want to be a sooky cunt & get sympathy, but 3 weeks ago… I tried to hang myself because of the break up. Ended up in hospital. I’m working past it & realising that I am meant to be here for a greater purpose. So I’m gonna see where life takes me. If the wind blows me in your direction my lady, I will float that way. Hahaha. Philosophical shit” Wowsers! He tried to kill himself when she cheated on him (I’m no stranger to this stunt!) & fuck only 3 weeks ago… Major red flags here… This is too soon for him to be dating… Really way too soon! This is either going to hurt me or be completely fucked… What if I don’t like him? What if I do then I realise he’s not ready for me? He tells me that he is ready & he’s ok, he’s working through it… I mean here I am a year later still in love with someone who was a complete ass to me, how could this guy be over his ex in 4 weeks & over the issues that caused him to try to commit suicide. FUCK!

I feel like I can’t back out now, I have already told this guy I would meet him, so I go through with it… He suggests a Mexican place (knowing Mexican is my favourite) in the central markets at about 1:00 pm. I wanted somewhere with easy parking, but I don’t try to change where he picked, he obviously googled it & found a decent place for lunch. Also it’s nice to have a guy pick where we’re going to eat, I’m usually so dominant in life that I kind of like it when a guy takes charge.

I’m at home waiting to hear that he’s on his way, when he actually tells me at 12:50 pm that he’s just parking. FUCK I’m still at home. I’m ready but I’m 30 mins away so I jump in the car & leg it into the city. I get there & the markets are packed, the car park is packed, but I swindle a decent park, walking quickly to the Mexican restaurant. I hate when people keep me waiting, so I hate that I have done this to him! I have no idea where it is so I message & ask him. He explains where it is, but I get so fucking lost, I have no idea where I am in this place & it’s mentally busy, I am looking at my phone when I look up & I see him walking towards me, he’s come to find me. He’s in a t-shirt & jeans with a thick silver chain around his neck, he has a green hat on backwards, he’s so skinny, he definitely looks like a white rapper. He’s a bit taller than me, not by heaps but I’m in heels, we hug hello & we walk back to the restaurant. We sit down at 1:45 pm for lunch & order, it comes out quickly. The conversation is easy, I can’t help but notice his teeth, they need a good clean at the dentist. The chipped tooth doesn’t bother me but the build-up of plaque is distracting. Otherwise I find him quite attractive, I do mentally envisage him is different clothes, I know he would look good done up a bit. But then I am reminded of the scene in Sex & the City when Miranda is buying Steve a suit… Remember that?! Plus I remember giving Boyfriend a makeover – made him better for someone else to have him…

Noddy is so easy to talk too, though I ask him more questions than he asks me & I find out that he left home at 13 years old, living by himself or on peoples couches. He’s got 15 brothers & sisters, all of them half siblings or step siblings, he talks about his nephew & how one of his sisters just had him but went off the rails on drugs so another sister has him at the moment. WOW, my life is so boring compared to him. I want to know more about why he left home at 13 being he still speaks so highly of him mum, but it’s only the first date, I don’t want to be too deep with him just yet – I also don’t want to dive too deeply into the ex chat, as I don’t want to have to tell him about Noodle especially since Noddy was just recently cheated on, I’m not sure how he’ll feel about that story. I am going to avoid that at all costs. Noddy also tells me that his name is not what is says on the chat app & he explains the story as to why, he gets called 2 names & I don’t know what to call him after that, but I pretty much call him his real name.

The restaurant closes at 3:00 pm, Noddy pays the bill, not allowing me to pay, just as the central markets close too, fuck this is the world’s shortest date. I don’t really want it to end just yet, I sense that he doesn’t either, but I could have this all wrong here, so I just decide to suggest a drink somewhere. He says that there’s a pub down the street so we walk to it but it’s closed. We try to google pubs close by but our phones come up with nothing. We walk back to the central markets to walk through them but we see a beer sign we both say that there must be a pub somewhere here so we find a pub that has happy hour from now until 6:00 pm so we have a beer each. They don’t have the carb free beer I usually drink so I feel like a fuck wit when I have to ask the bartender for a low carb beer… This guy knows I’m health conscious but I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. But the guy lets me try a few before I settle on one.

The conversation flows easily still over 2 beers, he tells me later that when I went to bathroom that he checked me out. Hahaha… We have a good afternoon, we hug, a tad awkwardly goodbye then he messaged the group with a picture of him by his car in the carpark before even messaging me… Weird huh? Why would he message the group saying he hopes everyone had as good a day as him? But not message me to say that? I mean he must know I’m going to see it?

He finally does message me (I of course refuse to message him first as my usual stubbornness kicks in, post any date) & we chat a bit, he says that he’s keen to see me again. I know I am busy the next weekend so I ask him if he wants to meet for dinner on Wednesday night, I have to work late so I suggest a place near my work that I want to try & I hear is good for a date night. He agrees to meet me.

The next night he kicks his toe & after an x-ray, he is diagnosed with broken little toe. I think this is his going to be his out to bail on our next date. We chat a lot & he sends me so many pictures, usually him shirtless or of his bruised toe. He has been respectful & not sent me a dick pic, which I appreciate! Finally a decent guy!

#IBD4U

I want to start this blog post by saying this is just my opinion! I am not giving advice nor do I think every situation is the same, but this is just my thoughts. Remember when I said this blog is my diary, well here are my unedited thoughts. Please don’t take offence if you don’t agree but let’s have a discussion about why. I’m not even sure that this is going to be clear for you or me… It’s clear in my head but as I put pen to paper (Or start typing on my computer) I don’t know if it is clear… But I want to try to explain my thoughts on what I was a part of with Noodle.

Having been online dating for more than a decade, I have seen my fair share of men & women online that are looking to cheat. As soon as you start to call them out on it, they always say “You don’t understand, it’s complicated” or “I’m not unhappy.” Noodle said the same. Crows said the same, hell even Rob Rob says the same. Yeah they’re right I don’t understand why someone would stay miserable with someone & hurt them rather than walk away before they do something they regret. I also don’t understand how you can be happy with someone but want to cheat on them. If I was with someone & I was happy with them, I would talk to them about the thoughts I’m having of cheating on them… I have obviously been the other woman before & let me tell you, the mistress also gets hurt. No one walks away alive after a cheating situation.

Regardless of children, I’ve always maintained that I would prefer that the parents break up & show their kids what true love actually is, rather than stay together for the children. People don’t understand the damage they are doing to the children but staying together. A friend once said to me, “Imagine how the kid will feel – Oh you stayed unhappy because of me?” I actually feel that way about my parents to be honest & it’s not a good feeling. I was in my early 20’s when my dad cheated on my mum, however I did have a relationship after that then nothing ever since, I was hurt by the shit that went down when that happened in my family & then hurt when Boyfriend basically left me & shacked up with another woman… So I do know what it’s like to be on both sides – sort of.

However, having said all that…. I think there is a significant difference between cheating & an affair. Let me explain before you say they’re the same thing.

Cheat by definition on google is to ‘act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage’ & affair by definition on google ‘an event or sequence of events of a specified kind or that has previously been referred too.’

When I think about cheating I think about my partner picking someone up in a nightclub or bar, fucking them & never speaking to them again. When I think affair, I think of what Noodle & I had, where we text everyday & have an emotional connection as well as physical. I believe if someone cheats on you, you can actually get over that – it was meaningless, but if there was an emotional connection, could you get over that? Could you really stay with a partner who potentially talked about you behind your back to another woman/man? That he made time for her while not with me. That he had her house key for months? That he bought her presents? That they went on dates, while I thought he was somewhere else… That she came to my house?! That he got pissed off when he couldn’t chat to her because I am awake?! That would honestly be the killer for me. Wondering what my partner said about me behind my back to another woman. Did he paint me as a villain or someone who’s sexless? Noodle showed me pictures of their life together & sent me screenshots of her messages to him, I don’t think I would ever be able to get over that, that is more of a betrayal than him just sticking his dick in someone for a one night stand. However if he picked someone up in a bar, there is no emotion, where I probably wasn’t even mentioned, he could honestly say to me “it was just sex, it meant nothing” but I think if he was trolling online or hiding things from me, that’s when it’s an affair. Do you see the difference?! Am I explaining myself at all?

So while cheating & affairs are the same thing not by definition but by what they mean, I still think they are different. It may start out as cheating, no connection, no feelings but Noodle & I just didn’t just cheat on his partner, we had a relationship, we had love, we had feelings & emotions. Yes that’s cheating, but that was an affair… don’t think that all cheating turns in to an affair. Everything starts out as cheating, everything starts out with one person being dishonest. However not everything turns into an on going affair…

Does this blog post make sense?!

#IBD4U

Noddy joins the chat group I run on the chat app & he seems to fit in quite nicely, he’s only 27 & in his profile picture he looks cute but he does look very young. On the chat app, you can’t share pictures within 24 hours in the group so I suggested that he send it to me to post for him, which he does. Usually when I offer this to a guy, they try to keep chatting to me thinking it’s an invitation to private chat but Noddy doesn’t.

He chats in the group for a week or so & is very polite & respectful that at Rope one night some of the other people in the group say that he fits in well that I decide to write him a message “Thank you for actually being a decent guy in the group! It’s been nice to have you in there” He writes back immediately saying “Nawww thanks, I’ve wanted to message you for ages but haven’t had the guts” I explain why I don’t usually private message & the fact I end up with dick pics I ask why he hasn’t had the guts to message me & he says “I dunno, I figured someone like you wouldn’t really be interested in a young bloke like me haha. I dunno I see you as a beautiful, well presented woman with a lot of self respect for herself. So I gotta admit. I was gonna wait a while & see if I built up the courage to talk to you a bit more.” I tell him that I like that he’s been a good guy in the group, it’s refreshing, most guys are trying to stick their dick into everyone he says “hehe, well I’ll be honest. So far I’ve had 3 chicks message me all keen to romp & I’m not even keen. There’s 1 person in this group that I was keen for when I joined.. & that was my lady, you that is. Hahaha. I try my best to be honest decent & respecting. Sometimes I say the wrong things but I learn quickly & always give it my best.” Fuck he’s already chatting to 3 chicks, probably people I’m friends with. Just like other men I don’t want a guy that is trying to fuck my friends, I’ve seen enough drama in my life with Noodle, that I don’t need to have drama with my friends too. Noddy tells me that he was in a group about a year ago but I was with someone (obviously Noodle) & he thought I was beautiful back then but he’s only just broken up with his missus 4 weeks ago & that he has to work on himself before he gets engrossed in another relationship. I agree with that, for sure… I ask him which of the 3 chicks he’s chatting to because I will stop chatting to him if he is into them & to me it sounds like he needs to sow his wild oats that I don’t really want to get involved with another unavailable guy – regardless of what I want. I explain I’m not looking for anything serious, I mean stupidly I’m still in love with Noodle (Not that I tell him that) – yes a year since we stopped having sex – but not since we stopped talking (My new psychologist is helping me deal with it again – it’s going well & I’m making progress, but without a distraction, it’s hard to get over), this guy is clearly still into his ex after only being broken up 4 weeks, this could be a good distraction for us both…

He tells me he’s not chatting to one of them anymore but the other one “Picked up real quick that I was keen on you. Told me to message you, that I’d have fun with you.” I tell him that I’m surprised that she was into him & that he wasn’t keen on her, but he tells me that “She honestly didn’t like the fact I liked you… Was kinda jealous… She said you’d be annoyed if you found out I was talking to her. But I liked you.” Wow, I wouldn’t be annoyed that she is talking to him, but I am not going to try to fuck someone that everyone is already fucking or worse fucking my friends… I say that I don’t care if he chats to other people, that part doesn’t bother me much – even though I do for some reason get jealous, but I won’t be into meeting him if he’s meeting my friends too.

I ask him to tell me about himself, he tells me that he’s a 27 year old mechanic where he works for his dad & “I just got out of an 8 year relationship where I did everything I could & got cheated on & destroyed. I’m pretty easy going. I’m trying to quit smoking & as you seen I’m trying to quit weed too.” He tells me that he’d also just started playing basketball with mates on Thursday nights, that he lives with 2 housemates. This guy has some red flags but again I am not looking for anything serious right now…

I tell him that he probably shouldn’t try to quit both smoking & weed at the same time, (in hindsight, that’s bad advice & he probably should try to give up both at the same time!) I laugh & say “Yes I am very wise” he says “Damn straight, beautiful smart… elegant & smart” Wow he’s a smooth talker… I say that I am too old for him & live too far since he’s out north but he says that he likes a challenge, has a car & will travel. I tell him that I’ve heard that before (because I have then guys back off when they realise how far I am if they live north) but I suggest a drink perhaps first, he says “Yeah that would be great. But I’d drive it.. No problem… I can’t stand a woman up… It’s not in my nature, if I have plans I stick to them. If I can’t, I rearrange things so I can fit it all in.”

The next day I start by chatting to him – so unlike me I know, but I do initiate the conversation. We chat about how I’m not feeling well but don’t want to go home from work because then I wouldn’t be able to go to the gym & I need too, he tells me when I send him a gym outfit picture that “You’re stunning woman. 10/10 guys couldn’t pass that up.” When I tell him that many do, he said “What… No way… Rocks in there heads lol” (Yes he wrote there instead of their!) “Well I couldn’t pass that up, I tell you that now haha.” He tells me that he’s being honest as hell but he thinks I am one of the best looking girls in the group & that I shouldn’t worry what people think. He tells me he chats with another chick, let’s call her Demon (part of her user name, not that I think she’s a demon – I actually really like her.) a lot but she’s with someone else but she’s helped Noddy though a lot, apparently also helping him with me too.

We somehow get back on to the topic of the other married chick, who wanted him in the beginning & how annoyed she got when he said he was chatting to me, I thought this woman was my friend? Apparently she went all weird & snapped at him “To just have me then.” Ironically, she barely chats in the group anyway, but she’s been so active lately, now it makes sense why. He says to me that she said I would hate him if she fucked him but then he sends me a screenshot of their conversation, which I don’t like at all… I don’t want to know what he’s saying to other people but then I can’t look away from it… His synopsis of what they talked about & the actual screenshot are very different when I read it… He tells her that she’s the first one he’d be fucking & also me. He tells her that he’s chatting to me & that he doesn’t think I’d be the type to be pissed (Which I’m not, but she thinks I am). It also upsets me a little that he calls her gorgeous in the texts too, I mean maybe he calls everyone that, but I thought guys would save a term of endearment for the one that they like, not call everyone the same. Bit like pictures, I don’t send pictures to guy & the same pictures to groups. If I’ve taken them for a guy, I don’t go spreading it around for everyone to see. I try to make them feel special, something this guy is not doing for me right now.

I do get pissed off, not because they’re chatting but because he has said all those things to me too, then shows me screen shots of him saying the same thing to her! Why would he say that shit if he was saying it to someone else? He tells me “If I had to choose, it would be you, Mainly because she’s right, you’re single & would have more time for me anyway” WTF dude… I know he doesn’t mean it like that but fuck… I say “I don’t want to be chosen because I’d have more time. That’s actually fucking terrible to be quite frank with you.” I mean, this is why I don’t chat to people trying to fuck everyone, while I don’t necessarily want to settle down into a relationship, I don’t want to be just one of the many! Also who is this guy that he thinks he gets to choose between us? Doesn’t work like that buddy!!

He says “Sorry… I didn’t mean it like that… that because you’d have more time I’d choose you. I said it before. You seem like more of a genuine person to get to know. Not just a fuck & see ya later. I’m sorry if it came across shit. I really didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry” I tell him that it’s not a big deal but I don’t like guys spinning me bullshit they think I want to hear, he agrees that it was dumb the things he said to her, probably doing it to just get laid, I get that, men do it all the time… I tell him I feel like an idiot because I was going to see what he’s doing this weekend so we could catch up for a drink, he says “I’d love to meet you instead.” Fucking hell, why did he say instead! I tell him that I he shouldn’t say instead but it’s all good but texting is hard (I mean I don’t want another online relationship! Noodle was bad enough!)

He writes back to me for ages, I think this is going to be a long message… “Shit haha. Look I know it’s hard over text… I don’t wanna be a dick to either of you… I’m not that kinda guy… I’m tryna make the right decisions. I messaged her & said I’m gonna hold off on the meeting & I’ll make my decision tomorrow on what I’m going to do. And I’m going to do the same with you. I wanna make a clear decision about this. I personally feel more attracted to you. But I want to see where it goes. Because there’s a chance it won’t be shit & we will get along great. I don’t know. But I’d rather find out with you” What the actual fuck? He has a decision to make? Really? Well I’ll make the decision for him, I am not waiting around for him to make a decision…. I tell him “There is no decision to make…! All good, have a good one” I am not going to wait around while a guy decides between me & someone else… No fucking way! No after everything I’ve been though… Especially since I don’t even really know him… I will bow out, my friendship with her is more important to me…

He replies “You’re right, I don’t have a decision to make, you are my choice 100%. I know you’re mad at me right now for being a typical male… But trust me… I’ll work towards being someone you can talk too & rely on. No more bullshit games. Just me being me. If that turns out to be what you want and need. I will be there all the way… I hope you have a good night xxx”

I don’t read his message until the next day because I go to sleep, but fuck he’s a smooth talker & I can’t help but feel the walls come down a little bit with this guy. Ironically, it’s only the second day chatting to this guy in private chat too… FUCK!

#IBD4U

Just to remind you where we are in the real life timeline of this blog, this was around March 2019. So we’re catching up to real time – instead of 18 months behind we’re only 10 months behind at this point. 2019 was an epic year for me – dating wise, so you need to stick with me, things happen to me that I am not sure have ever happened to anyone else…! Hahaha.

So as you all know if you follow the blog & Facebook page, I made a radical decision to tie my tubes as a form of contraception. After my surgery from having it done, I wasn’t allowed to have sex for 4 weeks, which didn’t matter anyway, I mean I had no one to have sex with anyway! How tragic is my life right now, I have just gone through all this pain & let me tell you it was the worst pain I have ever been in, it was excruciating, it was so painful.

It is obvious for anyone who follows my blog that this is very unlike me to not have sex for 4 weeks, but there you have it, I am barely even chatting to anyone to have sex with anyway. I know right, as if I’m not even chatting to anyone either?! I guess because the surgery was so painful & my periods are painful, I’m concerned that sex will be painful. We all know that I struggle with a big cock already so I am not sure things will be different.

My friend is going to another play party, she invites me along, tells me that I need to get out of this funk, which I agree too! The only thing concerning me about going with her is that she is a big personality with more self-esteem than me & I tend to sit back & let men come to me. I don’t want to fuck the same men as her. We are 10 years difference so we might have a small pool of men that want us both, who knows. These parties are so unpredictable to be honest, you never know who is going to be there & you also never know if you’re even going to fuck someone at all.

Anyway we go to the party, I drive because I am still in my not drinking phase & I also don’t want to catch an uber home, I am being a tight arse also. Too many things on afterpay & a little bit of credit card debt, I need to get my life in order! Hahaha.

At the party, we scope the place for potential men for the evening. I am disappointed to see that there are approximately 2 men that I would even consider fucking & they are both young. Of course you get the eyes from other men, couples, even women that want to fuck you, but the feeling isn’t always mutual.

I don’t go to the these parties to just get notches on my bed post, I go to meet new people & have a night out. I don’t expect to have sex at this one but again I am still doing this try new things thing.

There is a young guy who I ended up sitting next too & watch some people whose birthday it is become a human dessert grazing table. They are naked, with cakes & chocolate topping & sprinkles put all over them. People they know or maybe don’t know coming over to lick something off them. I have to say it did look fun & I have a pang of jealously like I did when the Private Play Party people did a food photo shoot too using coloured custard. It’s not something I’m desperate to do, but it does look fun. I never really got to use food or ice cubes before, Noodle & I talked about it & I wanted too but towards then end we were only fucking in the car, so we couldn’t really do anything with food.

My friend sits on the other side of the guy I’m chatting with, he tells us that he’s just broken up with a long term girlfriend & he talked to his parents about coming to the party. I find this amazing, I mean I don’t think my parents would care, as long as I’m safe but I don’t think they would actually want to know that I’m at a sex party! We chat to this guy for a while, my friend is stoking his leg, so I assume they’ll have sex & I’ll be left here looking like a tool. I get up to go to the bathroom & come back & she’s gone, so he makes a move on me. We suggest that we go into a room & I do look around to tell my friend where I have gone so she knows. I don’t want her to think I have just stolen this guy from her either.

We go into a room & I can tell that he’s a bit nervous. We’re in the room I like the best, it’s the one with nothing else in it besides a bed, however it does have a disco ball type light so it’s still a little tacky. We kiss & end up on the bed together, he does all the right things, going down on me, fingering me till I am actually squirting against his hand – something I usually have to be comfortable with a guy before I do it, however it catches me off guard & he looks like that cat that’s got the cream, he says that no one has ever done that with him before. I explain that usually I don’t do it either, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Later than night my friend sets me up with another man at the party, the only other guy around my age bracket that I would fuck. I do take him into the other room & we have sex, but we’re interrupted by the 45 minute time limit & we have people banging on the door, several times as we get dressed & change the sheets. Ironically I realise that it’s a friend of a friend that I go kayaking with sometimes, who is waiting for the room. We laugh at each other as we leave the room for them.

I leave the party shortly after that, knowing that there is no one left there for me. It’s also the last party I ever go to. I realise that I don’t want notches on my bed post, I have a lot, lets face it I’ve been single since I was 25, so at this point, I have a lot. However I realise that this isn’t something I am really into, just fucking random guys to try to get over Noodle… It’s not fair on them & it’s not fair on me. I also know what Noodle would say to me if he knew… I have been doing this to seem cool, to seem over him… But I know he would judge me & I am sort of judging me too… This isn’t who I am!

#IBD4U

I honestly can’t even remember where I met this guy?! I must have been on some online dating site. I had been avoiding the usual ones because Noodle was on there with his partner at some point throughout the last year, not that I ever saw him on there but I knew about it because he told me. So I was chatting with this man on whatever app it was before we agreed to swap Facebook messenger, I don’t usually give that out or add men I’ve never met because I don’t want them to see my fat photos. So while he added me as a friend, I didn’t add him & only chat to him via messenger.

We chat about what we’re going to do because we’ve already agreed to meet up. I was out north for work & he wasn’t at work so when I finished my meetings, I was able to meet him at a pub way out north. I have stopped drinking for a month after my ridiculousness at Switch a few months ago & I am also trying to work out why my tummy is bloated, I have been drinking a lot of beer lately but I drink Pure Blondes which is low carb beer, so while I am not sure that’s what it is, I am not sure why I feel so bloated at the moment.

He tells me about his family & tells me a joke his daughter told him “Why did superman go to the supermarket?” I’m like to get superpowers? But no “To go to the supermarket.” I laugh but that’s terrible, however she is young. I am glad he had kids he asks me why I don’t have kids, I tell him the usually story that I don’t want kinds of my own & that I see kids in my life but not my own. I do tell him that I cannot have children anymore anyway, due to my tubes.

We have good banter & I am worried that it won’t translate, I have learned my lesson to meet guys as soon as I can rather than waiting & realising they are a big dull dud. I waited with Noodle & that was the longest I ever waited.

I refuse to message him on the day of our meeting he finally messages me around midday “Hey gorgeous how is your day going?” it makes me smile like an idiot! We chat & he asks if I’m still keen to catch up later, which I am.

Northern Dad & I meet & have a couple of drinks & it is going quite well – I do have a wine, I am enjoying the time with him expect when he tells me that I pull a lot of faces. I don’t think he means it to be as rude as it seems but I think he’s trying to tell me what I already know, that I don’t have a poker face, that when someone says something, I will react with my face. It was always something Noodle said about me, when we had sex, I would have no poker face when I was trying to be bratty & pretend I wasn’t enjoying it, he could always tell. But the fact I have just met this guy & he’s being so familiar with me, telling me that my face gives me away.The date is going so well, that he invites me to stay for dinner with him. I have a laser appointment, which I just decide to miss & not call them, which is so bad. I hate that I did that, I could’ve called them & said that I was held up etc. But I just decided not to go for this guy.

We talk a lot about kinks, he’s very intrigued about rope & other things I have done, this is the first time I have been able to talk about kink with a stranger, I mean I can online, but face to face it’s a bit harder. However, it seems easier to talk about it with him & it’s actually a good date. We kiss on the cheek goodbye. He messages me when I am on my way home & says that, he had a good time, that I am very easy to talk too & thanks for taking the time to meet him.

We chat a bit & then because we’d been talking about the rope show at rope week, where I ended up with 2 free entries for myself but had also paid for a ticket, I let him know that I have a spare ticket if he wants it. I send him the details, telling him that it starts at 8:00 pm but we’re getting there at 7:30 pm. He messages back “I’ll be there” I’m excited, a nice guy who’s a bit kinky & keen to try stuff out, this could be something, though he does live far away from me.

At 7:20 pm, he says that he just finished work & won’t make it. I tell him that it doesn’t start till 8:30 pm, doors open at 8:00 pm so he still has time. He says that he’ll message once he’s home. But at 8:20 pm he says he won’t make it. I’m angry & refuse to write back. Why say you can come & you have an hour to get there when you don’t even try… Doesn’t that mean he’s just not into me? Wouldn’t a guy be jumping out of his skin to be with you if they liked you? Especially come to a kink event?!

He messages again later that night to ask how the show went & if there is another one the next night. I refuse to write back until the new mid-morning, I tell him it was good & that I’ll be there again tonight. But he doesn’t come along or say that he’ll buy his own ticket & come. I don’t bother asking. I am just not in the mood to chase any fuckwits anymore.

He asks to catch up again & I am away for work then have another rope show & workshop all weekend, so I say that I am too busy. He says he’s sad I rejected him, I’m like I invited you to both shows Friday & Saturday & I dealt with the rejection. He says “Now I feel like a right fucking dick. I promise, I didn’t reject you” I just am angry because there would have been a lot of friends there so I would’ve introduced him to them & I’m glad he didn’t come now. I feel like he’s shown his true colours.

He asks for an opportunity to make it up to me & I say that he can but I am working away for work then have the workshops so he’s sad that I’m busy, but I’ve decided that I am not going to change my plans for a man again. He says that I need to give him some options when he has the whole day, he says that he’ll pick me up at 10 & get me home whenever. I tell him that the weekend after fringe workshops but he says that’s too long because I’ll forget about him. We chat for a few more days it seems a bit heated, now reading back on it, but on my end it was just banter.

He never replies to my last message, which wasn’t really a replyable message but about a month later I get a “Hey how are you miss #IBD4U” Are you kidding me dude? I totally ignore it. I never speak to this guy again!

#IBD4U

Being at Rope for a few months now, I have been stuck in the beginners class being tied by the wrist for months, it’s getting to the point where I am a little over it & want something more. I know that my new friends at Rope have been trying to find me someone to tie with on a regular basis but it’s not as easy as that as most people that go are couples. Yet another time I hate that I am not in a couple! It sucks big time.

Ripples tells me to post in the private group for a regular rigger sometimes people stop coming when they don’t have someone regular but if they see a post on the Facebook page they will reply & come along. I do but don’t get any response from anyone, maybe because my Facebook profile picture has been a bitmoji since Noodle’s partner found out about us as I knew she’d be stalking my page & I didn’t want her to see what I look like anymore than she already knew.

Ripples calls me one night to say that a guy called MilkyBar Kid, who I’ve seen around but has been tying with another chick, will need a bunny for rope week. Rope week is a week organised around the fringe in Adelaide, it’s a week long of events & parties, classes & you need to be a regular rigger/bunny couple to attend the classes. The chick that MilkyBar Kid has been trying with is actually doing rope week with Ripples so MilkyBar Kid needs someone to tie with. So I message him & ask him if he is looking, he says that he isn’t really but also sort of is. He doesn’t want to blind side his bunny on Monday night at rope, which I get, I don’t want to piss anyone off or steal anyone’s partner. He stops replying so I don’t really know what he wants. However on Monday it’s all ok, his partner goes with someone else & I am with MilkyBar Kid. It’s a bit awkward for me to be honest, I mean this guy is a lot taller than me & I feel like we’re awkward together. But now I have a regular rigger. Rope might be more fun.

However MillkyBar Kid & I are awkward, everyone hugs everyone at rope but I’m not much of  hugger, so I hug no one – you all know that I won’t approach someone first, so unless they come to me, I don’t really say hello to people I don’t really know. I do like that MilkyBar Kid asks me if I’m ok, if I’ve had a good day, all the things a rigger should ask prior to tying you, even if they know the answer because it’s your partner, they should not assume that because you’ve had a good day, that you’re ok to be tied in a fancy tie.

He also always shows me his scissors & where they are so I know that he has them handy should anything go wrong. But even though he does all these things, his tying is boring, I am standing there locked knees & thinking about other things I could be doing. Thinking about the blog posts that I need to write (Remembering that at this time, I was only just posting about Noodle, so I was reliving that relationship & drafting the posts constantly in my head.) Having been to Bossman’s & being tied by a teacher, a professional, I have realised that being with a beginner can be very hard & boring as while he is trying to learn, I am just a dummy there for him, there is no excitement for me, the rope doesn’t pass past my neck & make me move… It just is there. It’s just happening around me. I am not really looking forward to Rope Week with MilkyBar Kid as its 4 full days of rope over 2 weekends with 2 events on the Friday & Saturday nights. Mainly because I have had an awesome rope experience with Bossman & now I’m going to go back to just being tied, while I stand there thinking about other stuff.

The first 2 days are actually a lot better than I expect. The teacher tells MilkyBar Kid that while his ties are impeccable, he can do it like clockwork, with his eyes closed, but his work is soul less… WOW.. So that’s what I’ve been feeling. He tells us that there is a moment he calls “The Cat Food Moment” which is when the bunny is standing around thinking about getting cat food, sort of like I explained I was doing. I wasn’t ever focused on the rope or what was happening to me, I was thinking about other things.

The teacher shows MilkBar Kid how he can get me to react, he understands that we aren’t partners but he explains that it can still be intimate & sensual. The teacher runs rope along my neck & the feel of it makes me move my neck & close my eyes, the teacher gets MilkBar Kid to see my reaction & shows him what rope should be like for a bunny. So as a further experiment, he blindfolds both MilkyBar Kid & I, then tells him to tie my in the usual TK. I think not another fucking TK but with my eyes blindfolded, with his eyes blindfolded, he has to feel me, not sexually as we’re not sexual partners, but he has to feel where he is putting the rope, he has to feel it all & to be  honest, it was the best time that MilkyBar Kid had tied me, up until that point. Even when he unties me when he takes off the blindfold is 1000 times better. I tell him that he’s improved a lot & it makes our time together a lot better.

The next weekend, I’ve been to the shows & been stood up basically by another guy (Story to come) that I am in a foul mood for the rope classes. Somehow the rope teacher this week either senses the low mood within the group or it’s just her style but she does a lot of floor work, she doesn’t suspend as much as other teachers. She basically does a lot of freestyle & she gets MilkyBar Kid to tie me in a ball on the floor & it feels great.

From then on every time we tie together, he is much better, while still learning, he is more aware of how it is for me, just standing around while he works out how to tie. I get it, I’m not criticising him because I mean I can’t tie at all. But it is much better for me & I hope it much better for him too.

We tie together for a few months before Ripples asks me to go to Rope event in Melbourne with him in September & tie with him until then. I hear that MilkyBar Kid is leaving Adelaide & moving to Canberra so I ask him if he minds if I change partners. MilkyBar Kid says that he was going to talk to me tonight anyway about finding another partner. Turns out the he has a girlfriend now who he wants to tie with, so it all works out in the end. (All single people get into relationships around me…) I end up tying with Ripples that night & we become rope partners.

#IBD4U

So you all remember at Switch I bid at an auction for charity, which turns out that it was on someone as a slave for the evening, when I was drunk as a skunk! We postponed the slavery that evening, thank goodness because I don’t think I would have remembered it anyway. So I’m glad he & his partner were ok with postponing.

He asks me every time I see him at Rope to give him some dates, he even messages me on Facebook to give him my availability, but I honestly feel like a wanker. He’s become a friend that I think he probably would’ve done this for free, but anyway, I’ve paid $200 to charity (no receipt so I can’t claim it on tax. FFS) Anyway he suggest his place but says that they are happy to come to my house – ok so she’s part of the package too. I’m not really sure what he is planning, what is expected. But when he says that we’ll spend a couple of hours doing rope then we’ll have lunch, I relax. I have no idea what is expected & think I need a few drinks for this.

Turns out, I didn’t need drinks for it! Turns out it was an amazing day. I went to their house, met their dogs & we went out the back where they have a suspension rig set up. I had his partner talking me though what I should be feeling as a bunny & explaining where the ropes might feel tight & where she likes them being placed when she is suspended.

Having watched them in the show in rope week for the fringe, I soak up everything she tells me about being a bunny, getting her perspective is invaluable to me & I think it’ll make me better for my rigger. So far I have struggled to tell anyone when it doesn’t feel right, I just let it hurt, thinking that it should hurt. But quite the contrary it should hurt in a good way, but not in a way that hurts me or injuries me.

Bossman also talks me though his safety implements & asks what I like, what I dislike, what I want out of the session too, before we even start anything. It’s refreshing, having not been kinky really with anyone who is involved in the kink scene, I am glad that he takes the time to go though his ideas for the afternoon too.

We don’t need to build trust as I know this guy & I’ve met his partner a few times, I am not worried about that. However I think that if anyone is planning to meet someone for rope you need to make sure you trust them. Remember when Milky wanted to tie me up, I wouldn’t let him tie me to something, I worked my way up to that & then by the time I was with Noodle, I was tying myself up for him. Hahaha… But it’s important to have trust in the person that is tying you up.

We try several suspensions with Bossman’s partner talking me through it. It is the best thing ever for a bunny because there is no Bunny school, rope classes are all about the Rigger. I always thought that I just had to stand there & try to look pretty, but when being suspended, there is a lot more to think about. Including being able to speak up when the ropes aren’t sitting right, sometimes they hurt & just need to be “dressed” which is just when the rigger runs his fingers between the rope & your skin to smooth out the ropes.

He tries one more tie with me, but I am up in the air for about 12 seconds when I say that it really hurts & I don’t like it, so he gets me down immediately. This is also what a good rigger should do, anyone who doesn’t get you down right away is just a jack ass – even though I didn’t safe word him.

Bossman’s partner goes inside to prepare lunch & Bossman says that he’ll do some more sensual rope with me. He ties me, including my pony tail (Which seems weird but it feels really good to be honest) He doesn’t suspend me but ties me up all over. I shut my eyes the whole time & as he unties me this actually feels like a massage, he runs the rope all over my skin, my neck & I reckon if I wasn’t standing up, I would fall asleep. When he’s done, I’m almost disappointed. That felt so good, I haven’t had a feeling like that since I last had sex or kissed Noodle… Out of all the men I have been with since, this is the first time I have relaxed & not thought about him.

We all eat lunch & chit chat, they are so lovely & I am glad to have met them. But as all things that happen in my life, this friendship gets infected with the private play party crew & I stop feeling comfortable around these people. Even when Bossman is chatting to me about applying for a position at my work.

Later than night, when I am taking off my gym tights, I see the bruise on my upper thigh, that is actually 3 different shades of purple. I’ve never seen a bruise like it before, it looks like a sunset! It is there for weeks & every time there is a rope on that leg I feel it. It never really goes away because after this, I find a regular rigger & I am suspended a lot more… Stories to come, stay tuned!

#IBD4U

I’ve been to a few Switches now, it’s a kink event at a club every month in the city. It’s a bit similar to SleezeBall. I have become friends with people so I have people to hang with when I go & I get to play a bit, mainly with Rope & Ripples.

There is a few stories to share in this post as all the Switches aren’t long enough for their own post like I originally planned, so I’m condensing a few into one post instead.

Again, like I’ve said before Noodle wouldn’t have ever gone with me to Switch, I’m pretty sure he’d call me lame for even wanting to go. But I don’t think that I would even want to go if I was with him, but I’m all about trying new things now. Opening my mind to new things & opening up to the possibilities… Not because I am super kinky like Noodle thinks I am, but because I have lost my best friend & I want to find something to replace that.

Anyway one of the switches is a black & white theme. I don’t really do themes like everyone does, they all go all out, but I usually just wear a skirt & corset. However, just before Noodle’s partner found out about us I bought some lingerie for him that I never wore, one “top” was a gold rectangle piece of glomesh with 2 chain straps. That is all. Literally I wore a gold hanky with no bra out in public! I was so nervous about wearing this top that I got wasted before we left my house like an 18 year old… Not just a bit drunk, I got so wasted, like trashy wasted, so terribly wasted that it’s not pretty for a 37 year old to be! I am so drunk that Ripples refuses to tie me, I try to pretend I’m sober so he will, but he doesn’t suspend me – which is a very wise decision looking back now.

There is an auction going on & I somehow find myself bidding on a man we’ll call Bossman, who runs the Rope classes. FUCK… What am I doing? It’s up to $200 when it stops & I win… OMG What did I just win? I have no idea what I am bidding on to be honest. What the actual fuck! Why didn’t someone stop me. FUCK. $200… Jesus.

I don’t really know what happens the rest of the night but when Bossman comes up to me to ask me what I want to do with him, I think what the fuck! I have apparently bought him as a slave. Oh good! (I wish you could see my face as I say that!) I actually somehow am able to get the words out that I am too drunk to do anything & hope that we can do some rope another time. He tells me that he has to ask his missus if that’s ok with her, which I agree. She comes over & I meet her too, she’s super lovely & I think she realises how drunk I am too that she says that we can catch up another time. Oh thank god… I cannot believe that I have done this to be honest, I don’t have fucking $200 to give to a charity!!! Anyway look out for the blog post titled Bossman to get the next instalment of this story! Fuck I can be such an idiot!

The next switch I go to I am going to drive in because of how embarrassing I was at the last Switch. Ironically I don’t drink much after that evening, even now, I don’t drink a lot. I cannot believe how drunk I was. I have been drunk before & I have been wasted like that before but not at a kink event where I could so easily be taken advantage of. Luckily I know enough people to be protected but I never want to be like that again.

Anyway a friend says that she is going in too, her friend picks us up & a few other people & I meet my usual switch crew in at the club. I watch the shows with my friends, it’s the fringe version of Switch so there are lots of non kinky people there, including a friend who has just come along to check it out as they sell tickets via the fringe website. People think they’re coming to a show, which they are but they don’t realise that people attend these every month!

I enter a competition at my hairdresser, I can’t even remember what it was, but I won it. So I decide that I am going to use the hair appointment for a hair do for the next switch being that it’s about the only time I go out these days. I can’t remember the theme but I decide that I am going as a ladybug so I also get my makeup done & go all out for this switch – my mum had given me a nail voucher for Christmas that I decide to get my nails done. I wear some glitter tights & I look amazing, I feel amazing. Ripples ties me up suspending me & then using UV wax on my shoulders, this is the first time I have had public proper display like this where I feel good & don’t think about how fat I am. I fucking love it. The photo’s taken & shown to me later are amazing. I can’t believe that I look that good. (A moment of high self-esteem – don’t get used to it! Hahaha) I have a great time not drinking much & find that I really enjoy myself!

The next day I am going to Ripples house to do a photo shoot with him & his partner’s step mum who is trying to build her portfolio. I wipe off my ladybug spots on my face but leave the eye shadow & leave my hair done. Ripples ties me a few different ways, I feel uncomfortable with one of the ties but other than that, I do love the photos I get with rope.

For the first time I am distracted, I am enjoying my life again, even if I know what Noodle would say if I told him… I am really just enjoying life…

#IBD4U