The next day, I expect that when I look at my phone there will be a good morning message, but there’s nothing from Noddy. Righto. I’m stubborn as fuck so I refuse to message him hello. About an hour into work, I look in the group & he’s chatting, sharing pics of a car accident he had this morning on the way to work… But he still doesn’t message me… I think WTF… Why wouldn’t he message me that? Wouldn’t he want me to know? The person that he’s seeing!? (Casual or not, why wouldn’t he want to tell me?!) I talk to J-lo about it, he tells me not to be stubborn & say that I saw the crash in the group & I hope he’s ok. But I feel like Noddy is messaging the group first so I can’t get angry about him bailing on seeing me tonight, which makes me sad that he’s going to bail again but of course I’m not going to be a mole when the dude has crashed his car. I hate that I again have to make the effort, but the poor guy did just crash his car.
So I follow J-Lo’s advice, asking also if there is anything I can do, he says “No beautiful, but thanks for offering” we chat & things seem normal. Later than night we are chatting still, he never mentions coming over & I don’t say anything either as I don’t want to hear an excuse for why he can’t. We end up playing truth or dare again, he chooses truth, so I ask him what was his first impression of me. “Well my first impression online was you were really shy & were absolutely stunning & I wanted to have you… First impression when meeting you was, wow she’s tiny. Good. Fuck I hope this goes well. Exact thoughts.” Interesting that he thought I was shy… I guess that’s my guard up when I meet someone. I can’t help it but not want to show the true me… Every time I have, I get hurt…
He dares me to send a video of me fucking myself with a vibe saying Noddy, so I do – easy one. Hahaha. We also chat in the groups & people ask if we’re physically together right now, I say no, he sends the group a pic, so I do too, saying it’s lonely in my big bed…
The next day Noddy sends me a picture of him & I notice that he’s wearing my jumper that he’s supposed to give me. He says that he didn’t think I would notice, but I did, he said he’s put it on to make it smell like him, being that I said the only reason a chick ever wants a dudes hoodie is because it smells like him. Still no mention of catching up, (I thought he says that to me once that he’d always reschedule?) but he’s sore form the car accident & I don’t think his car is 100%. I also admit to him after he sent me a picture where he looks hot as fuck – he has a trimmed full beard (which I usually don’t like, but it makes him look older, when I tell him that I really like that picture, he tells me that he’ll have to grow his beard back & I agree), that I’ve saved a few pictures of his & that I have a folder called Noddy… Probably a bit creepy but he says “That’s cute as fuck,” but upon reflection, I wish I never told him that!
The next day I initiate the conversation again, I seem to be doing that a lot with this guy, very unlike me. But I figure he hasn’t dated a lot in recent years so needs to help. But by the end of the day I’m on my way to my massage when we’re chatting about him pleasuring me & I say “I wouldn’t ever be concerned about that.” knowing that he’s so good in bed that I’ll never have to worry about that. He says “Whats up hun, talk to me” but I say nothing is up & walk into the massage. As I lay there spilling the beans to my massage lady about him, she says “Whoa maybe you’re coming on a little strong, it’s only been a few weeks” I ask her what she means because I have wondered the same, but am not 100% how’s she’s picked up on it. She says she can’t explain it, so I change the topic & think about it while being massaged.
Once done, he has read my reply but not messaged back. I think not this old fucking chestnut. So I write to him to tell him I just finished my massage but I also ask why he thinks something is up. He says that because I had concerns. I explain that I actually was saying that him pleasuring me wouldn’t ever be a concern. He says “Ah Fuck, I read it wrong haha. Still have to ask if you were all good though” I tell him this is why I hate text messaging & think that it was actually our issue on Monday night after rope too. He agrees, I try to explain this is why I didn’t want to chat about Monday night over text & was waiting to have a conversation with him face to face when we catch up – cos I still don’t know what happened, why did he change his mind so rapidly?
He tells me that he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say & he can be a dick sometimes but I explain that if we’re going to be kinky we need to have open, honest, communication even if it hurts. I mean I need to trust him to stop if I safe word him, but also he needs to know that I will safe word if I need too or he could potentially really hurt me. We finally start chatting like normal again. He says “Everything about you fascinates him about me. Not just the toys but the kink side, the professional, family, a lot actually” I fascinate him… Really? I don’t think anyone has called me fascinating before… I ask what he means & he says “The fact you can do all of it & still be sane is what fascinates me the most haha” he also knows I write, but not that I write a blog, he asks me to show him something I’ve written next time he’s over (When will that be dude?! Hahaha) but I say I’d be too shy to show him if he’s there, so I send him 2 of my erotica stories, when he begs me for something of mine to read. He tells me I’m a good writer & that he likes what I wrote. He tells me that because I was so shy about sharing it that he was worried it wouldn’t be that good… But he’s says it’s fucking hot… This I already knew! Hahaha. I ask him if he’s ever going to share his song with me, I am also in the same boat, what if it’s shit & I have to pretend that it’s good. Hahaha. I am dying to hear it I know he’s shared it with others, I kind of hate that he has but not with me… Jealous again… FUCK! He emails it to me & fuck, it’s actually good. I really like it, the lyrics are very raw, real & honest about his recent breakup & suicide attempt that it’s actually difficult to hear, mainly I think because I know him.
The next day I message him first but he reads it almost immediately, but doesn’t write back for hours. I don’t know what to say but then we start chatting, he tells me that he’s read my 2 erotica stories a few times when I admit to him that I listened to his song a couple of times in the car too. He sends me a work selfie & his dick when I say that reading the erotica is not helping, I send him the rest for him to read & he says that he’s been picturing him & I as he reads it, even though he knows that it was written well before him, he imagines us. Fuck that’s hot & maybe I’ll get these fantasies lived out as I wrote them? He talks me into sharing some of my writing with him when we catch up next, it actually forces me to start looking at previous stuff I’ve written, knowing I can’t send him stuff from my blog, which is my main writing now. I usually tell guys that I wrote freelance for another blog, pieces on travel, love, beauty & money. Hahaha… Not completely untrue. I do write about all those things to you guys! But also part of the reason I have decided to drop the guest blog on Wednesday & focus on some other writing too.
Friday night, still no plans to see him (I thought he said in our first conversation that he won’t stand a woman up & will rearrange things to fit it in?! I’m hating that I did let my guard down with this guy… Stupidly the first guy since Noodle that I have done that with & now look where I am…), it’s now been over a week since we have seen each other, I know that’s not very long but I don’t think seeing someone weekly is an unreasonable request. He messages me to ask what I’m doing & sends me a picture where he looks ridiculously stoned & says that he’s writing songs. He sends me a video of a song that’s pretty good even though he says it’s supposed to be a joke. I say that not everything needs to be recorded, but it’s good to have back up stuff & say I do that with my writing, he says “Yeah it’s a good idea, at least that way you will have something when you have nothing… Make hay while the sun shines…” I say “Yeah definitely.” But he reads it & never replies. I get home & should go to bed, but I don’t… See next post, however after that, I get into bed & go to sleep.
The next day, I figure I need to back off – clearly I am more into him than he is into me, I won’t message him first… I go to work on a Saturday morning & get my hair done, chatting in the group but never saying hello to him. By 11:00 pm that Saturday night I am crest fallen that he hasn’t messaged me first & the only thing I can think is that stupid book ‘He’s just not that into you.’ Noddy had been telling me all week & basically for the last month, all the time how much he likes me, how gorgeous he thinks I am, what he wants to do with me, all the we things that we’ll do but why the sudden change of heart? This will be the first day that we haven’t chatted since I messaged him in the beginning… I hate that he’s breaking this statistic…
Has he decided to go back to his ex? I can’t help but wonder also if he’s keen on Demon? I know they’re good friends… I hate this… I finally let down my guard with someone then they pull away, why do guys do that? Try to break down the walls so persistently, then when they do, they don’t like what they see!?