Tag: Sex

Have you ever waited for STI results before when you’ve have a scare? Every other pap smear, I haven’t really cared because I haven’t every had a crazy person message me to tell me they have an STI, so while it is a bit scary usually, it’s nothing like this… I am freaking out that I will have something & have to contact every guy I’ve fucked to tell them to get tested. I mean this is just fucked…

In the meantime, I draft an email reply to Noodle but wait to send it until I have spoken to my dr. However, as I await my appointment for my dr, a dude with the same name as Noodle joins my group & doesn’t speak – my heart skips a beat… Is it Noodle? Whoever it is private messages me “Why did she have to #IBD4U? Thanks to her I have nothing.” I refuse to write back until I have the test results – assuming it’s Noodle – he’s used my real name. I also check the anonymous app, there are messages from him there too “Well I can you have moved on so why did Sweetie fuck it all up. What’s her fucking end game. I have fucking nothing now. & fuck knows what she’s going to do to you. Seriously #IBD4U what the fuck.” He then also posts on the anonymous app “I’ve fucking lost everything, fuck my life.” I leave work immediately & call my sister. We head straight to the police. I need it on file that something went on so that if anything happens to me, they know who did it. Noodle had told me the day he was at my house, the one day we were living together, that she watches a lot of crime shows & he thinks she’d get away with hurting me. Well not on my watch! We go to the police & report whatever we can, using some of the screenshots that I have as proof of threats towards me. I also for some reason, remember the picture of a gun, does Noodle have a gun? I ask Shark who has guns too, if he ever talked to Noodle about it, but he says that he never did, however he reassures me that it will need to be locked away & she shouldn’t be able to access the key if he is abiding by laws. FUCK. The policeman tells me there is not a registered gun, so I relax thinking it must’ve been a toy. I guess if they had a gun, Noodle’s partner would’ve probably shot him rather than tried to use broken glass or even used it as part of the suicide attempt? Relax #IBD4U, there no gun!

I am able to report the threats with the screenshots & the officer says that he’ll send someone around there if they have time. But I doubt that will happen, however, I’m glad that I’ve reported it & if anything does happen the police will see it & act quicker maybe. I have also alerted my watchful neighbour across the street. She’s on the look out for me in case anything happens when I’m not at home. The police suggest that I make a timeline of the affair with as much detail as I can & give it to someone else. I go through all the screenshots & pictures to make a document of the whole affair. I also give everything to my sister on a USB so there are multiple copies.

As my sister & I are leaving the police station I get another message from Noodle “I’m fucked #IBD4U & you’re going to ignore me.” That breaks me. I start crying. I want to write back but my sister says that I shouldn’t. I head to the gym instead, to boxing to take my anger out on this bloody day.

Crows messages me to tell me that he is in the clear, he has no STI at all. Thank fuck. I am also relieved, the chances of me having one are now even slimmer. When my doctor calls me, he puts me out of my misery & lets me know I am in the clear too! Phew… I mean I knew it, but fuck that was a scary couple of days!

Sweetie sends me screenshots of what Noodle & his partner send her that day. Noodle blames her for ruining his young family & his partner tells Sweetie to get an STI check. She tells Sweetie that they split up & that I won. Sweetie writes back & says that we don’t have HPV. (I wonder if Noodle’s partner ever picked up on the fact she only said STI to Sweetie, but Sweetie was specific & said HPV?)

I reply to Noodle after the gym, asking what he means that he has nothing or no one? I get no reply. But the next day he reads it & doesn’t reply. Fucking Prick! So I write “You beg me to talk to you, against my better judgement, I do & now read my message & ignore me…?” What a fucking wanker. I hate him for playing with me like this… Again he knew it wasn’t over with her & he dragged me back in…

I send a text message this time, to get his attention rather than him being able to log off & ignore me. “I’m not sure what is going on at your end Noodle. But I was going to message you once I’d got my STI results & had been to the police. I want you to know, probably because I haven’t moved on like you think but I had nothing to do with this bullshit. A few weeks ago I was sick of hearing about you that I created a new chat app account to get away from it” He doesn’t reply. So I try to call him but I get no reply or answer. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to call him.

Finally he replies to my chat app messages late that night, after I called him “I didn’t beg, was blaming you for the situation I’m in. Sorry. Don’t ring or text me please. You should of ignored me. Sweetie really fucked things up big time. She told my partner a lot of shit. Including your name wasn’t the fake one I came up. Thanks Sweetie. Not sure why people care about my business I left the chat app long ago. The STI can’t be traced to you & she knows it, it can be transferred via oral & she could of got it herself. You should be safe I don’t think she will come after you cos she would of done it by now. I’m sorry to come back like this. I was trying to avoid you & let you move on.” OMG. How fucking dare he say don’t call me or text. Fucking wanker! He’s trying to avoid me? He messaged me at fucking 12:30 pm yesterday, how is that avoiding me? He needs to take some ownership, Sweetie only told her what he should have – I assumed she already knew everything… He told me he told her everything, I assumed a 3sum would be the first thing he told her & that’s why she kept offering to have one with me. He cheated, he fucked 2 women & fell in love with one of them & he’s blaming Sweetie for the position he is in?! He says that he’s been watching me on the anonymous app which I say that I’ve only been posting those posts because I’m sick of seeing his posts looking to chat to women, that I am not over him. He says that he has to go but she left him & when I ask if he’s going to stay with her, he says that he’s trying to sort it out. Then he’s gone offline! FUUUUCCCK!!!

My draft email to Noodle is ready to send, I skim over it before sending. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it, but I have things to say. I was going to post copies of the email exchanges that Noodle & I have here in the blog, he does write back this time, but I have decided that they are too personal (even though I have told you pretty much everything about my sex life, the stuff about my feelings is a lot harder to write about!) They are too raw, too emotional. I will summarise them for you instead.

I am very passive aggressive in my email again, I will be 100% up front about that, I am so fucking hurt & devastated, I also feel so betrayed, he has brought her to my house, blamed me for his indiscretions, blamed Sweetie for talking to his partner… I mean these are all things Noodle did!

I thank Noodle (sarcastically) for showing his partner when I live, I tell him that I knew she was on the chat app & if I wanted to do something, I would have done it already. There was no way I was going to do anything in the last 4 months, even in the last 18 months since meeting him, I could’ve done anything, I know where they live, where she works, a note on her car (trust me, I thought about it) or just rocking up at their house, fake pregnancy etc… I had all the thoughts, but never acted on them! I am livered that he doesn’t trust me not to mess with him!

I explain myself about why I think Sweetie did what she did, I was telling her that I wanted Noodle’s partner to find out, Sweetie saw how devastated I was that his partner was telling people I know about my relationship with Noodle & how it pissed me off, how it trivialised my first love, whittled down to a 3 month blow job affair. This was an epic love story for me, I meant nothing to him, I feel insignificant… I am shattered about that.

I tell him to take some ownership for his actions, I mean he was online chatting to people before his son was born, when she “accidentally” got pregnant when he wasn’t ready.

I am also angry about the fact he didn’t tell me about the HPV right away, I tell him that I had the vaccination & so should’ve she as she’s younger than me, that I have been tested & I am in the clear of everything, as is the guy I’m fucking. I tell him that Sweetie & Max are also clean, so she didn’t get it from us. I do say though “Interestingly, your partner now thinks that she contracted this from me, when only a few days ago she believed I only gave you BJs & kissed you?!” Something is fishy here for me! I don’t believe she even has anything or that it’s just something to scare me. I tell him that he will probably be too gutless to tell her that I don’t have it, so forever, she’ll think I gave her an STI. (At least Sweetie told her I don’t have anything!)

I tell him that I have been to the police, & that they suggested I make a timeline of the relationship. Mainly because I was a secret from everyone in his life, no one really knew in my life what really went on & so the fact I had so many screenshots, the police said to make a timeline & give it to someone for safe keeping, if I am feeling scared. I am not scared as such, I mean I sort of want her to do something to me, maybe then she’ll get the help she needs?! I tell him that I feel fucking nuts writing a fucking timeline of our relationship & how much it hurt me looking back on the screenshots of all our lovey messages we sent. I attach a copy.

I tell him that I am done protecting him from people on the chat app. His partner didn’t even know who Sweetie was to me, she could’ve been anyone & do you know what she did? She typed out my full address as a warning to Sweetie! WTF… As if Noodle allowed her to do that?! I feel so violated! I tell him that next time I get dragged into this that I will send her a copy of the timeline (Which I kind of regret saying, I didn’t mean it as a threat but fuck I want this all to go away. I’m trying to move on!)

I tell him that I deserve a proper conversation & that he should meet me. I highly doubt that he will, but I haven’t ever asked anything of him, but to meet me for a proper conversation. He should do the right thing by me & meet me!

I’m surprised to find a response from him in the morning… He starts off “Wow, blackmail . Thanks . Never thought I’d see this day , especially from you.” Fuck does this guy even think that low of me!

He tells me that his partner knew about the affair & our feelings but not that we had a 3sum… He says that he hasn’t slept with anyone else since we ended (sucked in!), nor did he fuck other women while with me, which is why she blames me for the HPV. He says that he messaged me as soon as she got the result & that it was just bad timing. That he had to restrain her from going to my house. (OMG!) He tells me that she does have it because he went to the gynaecologist with her & none of the signs point to me, that she could’ve even had it before even being with him. (Still no apology for accusing me!)

He says that his lies were to protect me, including lying about my name. (No they weren’t, they were to protect him! He thew me under the bus as soon as he needed too!) He tells me that he thinks I have moved on therefore he was devastated that he would be left with nothing once his relationship was destroyed. He tells me he will try to meet me but he doesn’t know how he can as the leash is tight. He also asks me to tell Sweetie to stay out of his life. But I mean he did the damage not her. He can’t blame her for playing a part in this, he did fuck her & hurt me, which she didn’t like seeing. Fucking hell, I am so angry, I want to punch him in the face!

I read his email about 10 times before I reply I am so angry he thinks I am blackmailing him, I have no intention of sending the timeline to her, but fuck I was so furious that I didn’t even know what else to say. I tell him that I did it because he says that she’d get away with my murder, says she wants to kill me & that he has a gun. I mean what else was I supposed to do! I sent it to him to be transparent, so he knew it existed.

I tell him that the last 4 months since we ended, I have dropped 10 kgs, I haven’t slept unless I had chemical help, I am finally at a point where I haven’t been thinking about him as much & finally I had started eating again & he has to message to pull at my heart strings only to go back to her again! Then tells me he was trying to leave me out of it & not to message him… I mean WTF.

I tell him that I don’t care if she knows my name, what he should’ve protected me from is her knowing where I live… I mean that’s the only thing I give a fuck about. I tell him that if I had any intention of destroying his life, I would have done it by now, I had no intentions of getting mixed back up with this bullshit again.

I tell him that the fact he has to convince his partner not to come bash me, should be a sign she needs help & I say that I feel for his kids, especially his almost 5 year old son having to go through all this!

I tell him that I deserve better, after being dragged back into this & say that I want to see him face to face, I don’t want a rushed conversation, I want a proper conversation. I wonder if that is a good idea? I wonder if I can even do that? FUCK…

#IBD4U

The day before my birthday, Crows tells me that he can’t see me on my birthday for birthday sex, but he can see me the day before. I am stupidly hoping & praying that Noodle will message me for my birthday, I know it’s stupid it’s been over a month since he came to my house like a thief in the night & took his stuff but before the STI scare. I am furious but fuck I am so devastated.

I did have a reader say that they thought my email I sent was manipulative, I mean I know it was passive aggressive & I do want Noodle’s partner to know the truth, however, I never write to Noodle again, nor do I try to contact him & the main reason is because of his kids. I have always said I don’t want kids of my own, however, I did want his kids in my life. But they had been traumatised enough by the violence, ambulances & then being at a weird lady’s house all day… That I know I have to stop trying to get Noodle to be with me. So just know, that I did want him with my whole heart, I do love him & I do love him enough not to cause further drama. He asked me not to contact him, I sent that final email & I move on, as much as I can…

Crows comes to my house, usually telling me to be naked for him & tied up to my x restraints. He likes to walk in & find me in bed naked, squirming & actually spends a couple of hours fucking me, which is really good – I love this time when I am completely with this man & not thinking about Noodle. It honestly doesn’t happen that often, but I am thankful that this guy invades my thoughts & is quite a kinky guy. I like his demands of me.

The next time he’s coming to my house, he tells me that he won’t be there till after 11:00 pm, that I must send a photo of myself every hour on the hour. He doesn’t care what is, it doesn’t have to be a dirty picture but I must send him something every hour on the hour & if I don’t there will be punishment. Crows hasn’t spanked me much, a few spanks during sex, so I assume like every other guy who’s punished me, it’ll be a spanking if I don’t follow though. The excitement is a real turn on. I mean no one has given me a task like this before. Noodle told me not to cum sometimes before I went to sleep if he was seeing me in the morning, which frustrated the hell out of me, but I always obeyed. I intend to obey Crows & I start sending him pictures, of cause they are naughty ones – it is me after all! Hahaha.

I decide that I want to wear some lingerie for him, he says he doesn’t want me to, that he doesn’t really care about lingerie, just wants me to be naked when he gets there. I think he senses my disappointment & asks me to show him what I would wear. I put on a full red set – bra, g string suspender & red knee high tights. He tells me that I look really good, I show him options with no g string because he’d had to take the tights off then the g string, so I decide to put the g string over the top which he likes better than no undies, which is odd since he wanted me naked. I’ve sent him about 4 pictures in the last hour, but at 5 past 11, he tells me that I failed to send him a picture at 11:00 pm & I will be punished. I try to explain that he got 5 photos from me this hour, but he tells me that those didn’t count. I am excited, I mean I don’t know what this guy will have in store for me. I mean spanking for me isn’t really a punishment, because I like it. I’m not sure why guys would even threaten that to me, I enjoy it so it’s not really a punishment. But I get excited thinking about Crows getting there & spanking me because I’ve been naughty & not followed his instructions.

He gets to my house at 11:30pm. He walks into my room & while he looks at me with desire of seeing me in a full lingerie get up, but his eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s did. It’s the only time that I am with Crows that I think about Noodle. I hate that. But then Crows is kissing & touching me, I’m stripping his clothes off & we lay back on the bed, when he rolls off me & says that my punishment is that I have to massage his back for 5 minutes, with a timer on. WHAT THE FUCK! He lays on his stomach, gets his phone, puts a timer on & tells me to start. Is he actually factually serious? When I don’t start, just looking at his back, he looks over his shoulder with a smouldering look & he tells me that the timer is on & that he’ll make it 10 minutes. I quickly move & straddle his butt & start rubbing his shoulders, barely being able to do it without giggling – which he tells me to stop. I keep leaning down to kiss his ears & neck but he tells me to get back to massaging his back… OMG! This really is a punishment, & while I assumed he would spank me, I am actually really impressed that this guy didn’t just spank me as a punishment. This 5 minute massage is fucking hilarious, I mean that is exactly what a punishment should be – something I don’t enjoy. But I am even more surprised that he put on the timer & made me massage him for exactly 5 minutes. For some reason, it does turn me on that this is my punishment, I mean I don’t enjoy it but I am finding his Dominant side fucking hot! I honestly didn’t think he had it in him to do something like this. He fucks me & goes down on me after making me massage him, he decides that he wants to take pictures tonight, which I allow. He makes me cum so many times that when he says he wants to fuck my ass, I do freak out a little bit as he has a very thick & long cock, but I tell him that he can try… He lays on top of me so we’re facing, my favourite way if I ever do anal & slides in slowly. I am thankful that he’s relaxed me because it does hurt a little, but starts to feel good with a few thrusts. He takes some pictures & video, I am surprised I allow him to take it with his phone but he does send them to me, it’s very hot. He says that he wants to cum on me, so when he’s ready & I’ve cum from being fucked, he rips the condom off & cums on my tummy.

A week later, I am horny & thinking about fucking Crows, I want to see him but he says that he can’t really drive to my house to see me, I offer to meet him for some car sex. He suggests that we meet half way at the beach, it’s about 11:00 pm at night in August (for international readers, that means it’s winter here & fucking freezing!) I assume we’ll fuck in the car but he decides that we should have sex on the beach. This will be the 2^nd time that I have sex on the beach ever in my life. The first time it wasn’t that great for me, but Crows asks if I have a blanket which we take down to the beach. I take a couple of carb free beers (best ones are pure blonde – if there are any people looking to sponsor me! Hahaha) & we have a drink, chatting before we start kissing. I mean it’s freezing so we need to do something to warm up! We get semi naked, him pulling down his pants & me taking one leg out of my jeans, we fuck & I ride him, there is no one around & I oddly love the feeling of outdoor sex. I know I’ve done the outdoor thing with Noodle at a train station, in a car wash etc but yeah I never thought I would like it but I do.

I don’t see this guy for a little while after that, approximately a month, his work is busy, I’m away for work & of course I’m a drama magnet, so we’re currently waiting for our STI results… What else does Noodle have in store for me?

#IBD4U

I obviously don’t talk to Noodle again. I sent him that email but get no reply – I don’t even know if he read it. I worded it carefully in case she reads it – in case she knows about that cheating email address too. But maybe he’s not checking the email again, but I am not going to poke the bear & text message him – as much as I want a reply. I just have to be done with this.

One morning, maybe a week or two after the infamous pill overdose, I’m walking to car & see something in my letterbox, it’s not junk mail & I don’t think it’s a package that’s been delivered. It wasn’t there when I got home last night & so what the fuck is it. As I get close to the letter box, I realise that it’s a stuffed toy wrapped in rope. FUCK! Is this a message from her? She now knows my nickname on the chat app, bought a toy that is the same & now tied rope around it as a message to me? FUCK… I am shaking like a leaf… My tummy is churning & every photo I take of it is blurry. I finally get a good picture & find Noodle’s phone number which I had deleted & send it to him “She won’t do anything? Found this in my letter box this morning!” I don’t expect a reply but it comes straight away “That’s not her im assuming that’s Max.” Hmmm, never thought of him, I guess it could be, but surely Max would know what bad fucking timing it is to do something like that without a fucking message. I look at the tag attached to the toy & see Max on the card. FUCK… I hate that I sent that message to Noodle. What an overreaction! Max messages me sorry for giving it to me, but I say it was ok just bad timing & a weird way of doing it – why didn’t he give it to me rather than leaving it my letterbox? But Max doesn’t ever write back to me again, what a fucking shock!

I try to stay away from everything, I even think about leaving the chat app, but Shark & a few others tell me not too – not to slink away & let Noodle & his partner have free reign of my turf, so I create a new account, because she now has my account & also knows what I look like! FUCK. There were only a few things I asked of Noodle in the whole year & a half this has been going on, & that is to protect my identity & where I live – at all costs. So far now she knows what I look like, what job I do which isn’t a very common job & where I live, but of course she won’t do anything, she promised Noodle… Can you feel my eye rolling then?

A few days later, I get a notification that Noodle views my profile on an adult dating site, then less than a minute later, his joint account with her views my account. I’m assuming he’s blocking me? Or what the fuck is he doing? Fuck he’s a wanker. The next day I get a message on the chat app from him “Why is gods name are you on AMM. LOL. You do realise my partner wants to kill you right?” OMG is he the online dating app police? “You do realise I am not scared of her! You’re also the one who looked at my profile from both your profiles. If I wanted to cause shit I’d message her on the chat app. But I love & respect you enough not to cause drama.” If only I had the same respect from him! Fuck he’s done so much shit to me & now I can’t believe that I can’t even be on a fucking website without him snapping my head off! Fucking idiot. I am so angry. He never reads the response. But I don’t even care, I delete him before I can even see if he does. & create my new account, leaving all this shit behind me… Please!

With this open thing Noodle & his partner have going on, even yes after they have a drug overdose incident, they are still trying to be open… I really pity any woman that gets involved with Noodle, even for a hook up! I know that his partner is never going to be ok with any woman he is with, even if she says she is.

I am devastated here & not eating or sleeping, actually still in love with this man who is now using the anonymous app almost daily “Any ladies want to chat? Male 30’s 6’1” or “Any sexy lady want to chat?” or “Hard & rough is the only way to give it.” Or “Would love to give it hard to a sexy woman.” I am really hurt… I only know it’s him because his suburb comes up & there are no other people using the app in that suburb with the same chat rating. Fuck this really hurts me. But I can’t not look at the fucking app! I consider chatting to him & fucking with him, I mean he’s already accused me of fucking with him & his partner, so why not actually do it? I tell a few people how much this hurts me including Shark & Sweetie, two people who have really been there for me over this break up & though everything too. Shark tells me to post some thing on the anonymous app because Noodle always knows it’s me, so I do. Posting about how I’m going to be playing tonight with someone hot or something… I don’t know what I actually said, I wish I didn’t do it though to be honest because it was childish tit for tat & that’s not my style.

As the universe would have it, I have obviously spilled the beans to Crows about everything with Noodle, so he knows everything. What are the odds that Crows starts chatting to a chick on the adult website & it happens to Noodle’s partner. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Crows sends me screen shots of their chat, I’m not sure I’m ok with this, but I guess Crow’s thinks I have a right to know what she’s saying & he wants me to confirm if it’s her. She tells him about the affair & that “It was most Tuesday nights for 3 months. Just Bjs. Kissing.” First of all she knows that it was more than that? Doesn’t she? I did say in my message to her when she was pretending to be Noodle, that the last year with him was amazing for me. Noodle says she knows everything? She tells Crows that she’s fucked other guys & feels guilty about it & has given Noodle a free pass to fuck someone but she won’t pick the girl. I tell a few people again how upset this makes me, is she lying to Crow’s to save face or does she not know the truth? It fucking hurts to know she’s talking to people about me – as if I were nothing. I mean if she’s talking to Crows so candidly, surely she’s talking to others…

Crows also tells me that Noodle’s partner also told him at one point that she only wanted a 3sum with me so she could beat me up! I mean how would that even go down, would Noodle even allow that if she started to try to hit me? Would Noodle even stay with someone after she tried to beat me up in front of him? I mean I was never going to have a 3sum with them anyway, but I wonder what would’ve happened if I did go through with it? Would he stop it? Would she be getting the mental helps she needs? Because right now it seems like she isn’t… I guess, I would’ve 100% pressed charges against her & still would if she does anything to me or my house. Would that make him hate me? That I’d be the reason she has a criminal record? Well I mean it would be her own fault of course, but would he hate me for pressing charges? Would he stay with her? Would he be able to be with me being that she might go to jail because of me? Urgh, I hate the what ifs. I mean I wish when she was writing me messages from his account pretending to be him, that I said other things. But again, it’s not my style.

So, I don’t know if I told you but when Noodle & I ended, I put a counter app on my phone to track how many days I hadn’t talked to Noodle. The break up book that my friend gave me suggested that you must go at least 90 days without talking to them. I made it 84 days but this time I am not even counting. Noodle can get fucked. I am seeing other people, it is a couple of months though until I hear from him again… I have been away for work & am at the airport, when I for some reason look at my old chat app account – which I never deleted but I don’t look at often. There are messages from this morning when I was on the plane from Noodle! – what are the fucking odds… My life OMG, it’s just stupid sometimes… I click on the messages – he can’t see that I have read them. “So have you had an STI check recently” OH HOLY FUCK! 30 minutes later, there are a bunch of more messages from him, which I get all at the same time “Thanks to Sweetie for telling my partner we had a 3sum. Heads up my partner wants to kill you again. & she has HPV which she would be blaming you for. Sweetie told her 2 days ago. I can see you’ve moved on so wtf. Call the cops if she confronts you. She can be unstable. Not sure I can stop her this time.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… OMG. She has HPV? What has Sweetie said? OMG. What is happening?!

I message Sweetie to find out what is going on. She sends me some screenshots of some messages she’s sent to Noodle’s partner!! “Hi. I thought you should know the truth about your cheating partner. Him & #IBD4U were seeing each other for over a year. They had sex frequently over the year they were seeing each other. They even had sex in a car wash! They went & had lunch dates. Noodle had never had a 3sum with 2 girls so #IBD4U thought she would make it happen. One afternoon I went over to #IBD4U house where Noodle was & we both fucked him in a 3sum. Noodle stopped wearing a condom fairly early on in their relationship. Noodle had genuine feelings for her. The day we had a 3sum I could see the chemistry between them. It was not just a casual fling. They had a connection. After the 3sum over the chat app Noodle told me he had feelings for her. This was very close to the birth of the baby. While you were in hospital just after you have the baby, Noodle invited #IBD4U to your house & they had sex at your house. This was definitely not a casual thing hey?” Oh Sweet baby cheeses! OMG. OMG. OMG. I don’t even know what to do. I see his partners reply “Thanks. To be honest I don’t care. Our relationship is so strong now. We have amazing sex all the time & we r so happy planning our wedding” Fuck. I know that is a stab for me… As if he’s going to marry her now? After 12 years… FUCK.

Sweetie sends me a few more screenshots & Noodle’s partner & her get a little heated. So much so that Noodle’s partner gives Sweetie my fucking address as a ‘warning’ to me & that she’ll be around soon… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… She tells sweetie “We have been through too much in 12 years to give it up over a stupid skank who lives alone with her cat. If she dies it will eat her face off, sad & alone till u find her body” Oh good god… Is she kidding me?! Hahaha. Why has he told her I have a cat?! Noodle’s partner keeps calling me by the fake name that Sweetie says, that’s not her name. She talks about egging my house & that she wants my chat app account to talk to me. OMG, this has gotten out of hand! She tells Sweetie “By the way I find that there is a flaw in ur story. Noodle was with me all the time once I had baby” Errr, no he wasn’t!

OMG OMG OMG OMG…. What makes it worse is when Sweetie shows me screenshots between her & Noodle, where he thinks I am behind this latest drama… OH FUCK. I don’t want him to think I am behind this, no wonder his message about the STI is so snappy. Though he does say that he can see I’ve moved on, obviously because of my posts on the anonymous app. Maybe he does realise that I had nothing to do with this?

I go to my friends house, who was been going through some pretty tough shit herself, that in the 10 years we’ve known each other, we’ve never cried in front of each other until this time in our lives. She says that I put it out in the universe that I wanted Noodle’s partner to know the truth, that I basically brought this on myself. I mean I know I wanted her to know, but it’s been months & yeah I did put it out there a lot that I wanted her to know the truth, I just didn’t think this would happen!

Okay, I call my Doctor & get an emergency appointment, he squeezes me in to get an STI test. I am also supposed to see Crows tonight, so I message him & tell him the story & say probably best we don’t fuck till we’ve both been tested. Crows agrees & makes an appointment himself. As if this guy is going to stick around after this… I’m surprised he’s still talking to me at the moment anyway! This is the first time I’ve had a real STI scare… I have been tested a lot over the years, of course, always cautious using condoms etc. but this is the first time I have had someone say that they may have given me something. I tell Sweetie for her & Max to get tested too but she just recently had a test when she had a hysterectomy. She is clean & so is Max… Maybe I don’t have anything. I mean I was vaccinated against HPV before I was 25 when the vaccine first came out. Please god, don’t let me have a fucking STI at age 37.

I decide not to reply to Noodle until I have my test results. I refuse to write to him until I know that I am 100% sure I didn’t give them anything. Crows went to the Doctor before me, that he’ll get his results before me & at least that should tell me something. Crows & I have always used condoms though. FUCK. Crows also tells me that he’s spoken with Noodle’s partner post this confession from Sweetie & that Noodle & her have deleted their chat app accounts. That they are not going to swing or be open, they are closing their relationship completely. I check the chat app & both their accounts are deleted. I breathe a sigh of relief that this is over for me. Please let this be over for me!

Now the worst part about taking an STI test is waiting for the bloody results!

#IBD4U

While I was seeing Noodle, I made lots of friends on the chat app. There was a chick on there that I became good friends with. I had met her face to face at a meetup for the group one night a while ago, the infamous night that I kissed T-bone, but she & Shark had left early to go to another party with some other people. A few months before it ended with Noodle, she asked me if I would be interested in a 3sum with her & her friends with benefits as a birthday present surprise for him – let’s call him backpacker – mainly because he looks, acts & sounded like a middle aged backpacker. I said I was flattered but that I was kind of seeing someone & didn’t want to jeopardise what I had with him. She was ok with that & said she was happy for me. Not a surprise but I never told Noodle about it because I knew that he would just get jealous or say something hurtful to guard his feelings like ‘do whatever you want.’ I never lied to Noodle, I just omitted the truth sometimes because I knew how he’d react.

A few weeks after I stopped talking to Noodle, right after his partner found my underwear & Noodle tells me they are in an open relationship. So this was a little while ago, I forgot about this story, but you know what, every story I tell you leads me to where I am today, writing this almost 18 months after it happened… So it’ll all make sense one day why I do the things I do… Or maybe you’ll just be as confused as me as to why I do the things I do, but if you do know why I am like I am, please get in touch! Hahaha.

Anyway I message this friend & ask if she is still looking for a third, that I would be interested, she said yes, even though his birthday long ago – they were still keen to play with another woman. What a surprise, it’s every mans dream. Ironically though, Noodle told me after his 3sum with Sweetie & I, that it’s really hard work & he didn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he would because it was tiring trying to please 2 ladies at once. I always wanted 2 men, but I wonder if I would feel the same?

I meet them at Backpacker’s house, I take 3 beers because I don’t want to stay & I need to drive later. Also because I am in a kink chat group with her, she has asked me to bring a few toys with me, I don’t really know what to pack so I pack a flogger, a paddle & some wrist ties – I’ve never really been the teacher of kink. I mean I had to top from the bottom a little bit with Noodle sometimes when we used toys & things but he was naturally a dominant guy, he just didn’t know about the kink stuff, which lets face it neither did I, even though he thinks I’m the most kinky person in the world, I am totally not even that kinky at all…

I get to Backpacker’s house & we all sit chatting, I chat easily to my friend & like a fucktard with no filter, I spill the beans about the entire relationship to her, she knew some of it obviously being she was in the group with us but not all of the nitty gritty, I obviously was discreet about most of it because I knew they were on the chat app too. But now that it’s not in writing, able to be screenshotted, I went into a bit of detail with both of them, how in love I was (am!) with Noodle, the phone tracking partner, the way she found out – finding my undies. (Remember that this story was before Noodle’s partner tried the pill overdose.)

They sit there & listen, she asks a lot of questions. I am barely holding it together & am even wondering if I can go through this. The break up is still raw & I am holding out hope that Noodle will come back to me, I am hoping & praying for that. I think it’s only been a month but we’ve talked again since he stopped talking to me.

Backpacker shares a bit of a story about how he never wants to be in a relationship with another woman again as he has some legal proceedings going on with his past girlfriend who sent text messages to herself from his phone while he was asleep… Ok so I have some crazy thoughts sometimes, like about going to Noodle’s home or work to tell his partner everything, but I mean I never do any of this shit… How am I still single when this woman is texting herself from her partners phone while he’s asleep to set him up – to make him seem abusive? Or Noodle’s partner tracking his phone? How the fuck am I single?! I can’t even comprehend how these women get men & I have been single most of my life, struggling to get a guy to even go on a second date with me.

Anyway I talk the whole fucking night about Noodle, that it gets late when she asks if they can bring the mattress out to the lounge room, that they usually bring it out to the lounge room when his roommate isn’t home. I agree. They ask what toys I brought & I show them, neither have used a flogger or paddle so I use it on both of them, taking it in turns. He seems to like being hit a lot & she enjoys it too. They then try out on me, not taking it too far. We all take it in turns & then then end up just sitting on the mattress talking about kink, not about Noodle & past fucked up relationships this time. I realise that I am not in the frame of mind to have a 3sum with these two, well it’s not about them, it’s about any one right now. I shouldn’t be fucking any one right now. I am too distraught to be doing anything, this was a bad idea & I feel terrible for giving them hope, but I make my excuses & leave.

A few months later, post the pill overdose, I am trolling online for god knows what, filling a void of losing the daily chat to my best friend, filling a void of having amazing sex with my best friend. When I match with someone, I don’t recognise him at first but when I do, I ask him if he is the middle aged backpacker. He is… I ask if he’s still with my friend & he says they aren’t exclusive but yeah he still sees her. I tell him that I am not interested in getting involved with him but he keeps trying to get me to catch up with him without her.

One night after a couple of drinks, he is messaging me to come to his place to see him – he says that he hasn’t had sex in a few months, but I tell him again that I am not going to let him come between him & my friend. Not only do I not want to meet him without her knowing, but I also have seen in the last few months how quickly things got back to me with Noodle that I know that I am not going to take that risk either. That’s when he gets nasty, telling me that it I am missing out on an opportunity (even though he’s the one that hasn’t had sex in months?!), that he’s really good & even though he didn’t call me names, there was some real bitterness to his messages. I delete him after that. I mean why would I even go there after that display of whatever it was. Because I’m not willing to compromise my friendship, I am not even worthy of his conversation? I said that we could see her together, but I wouldn’t see him without her.

She had moved on to a new guy & so now he has no one at all. I see him every now & then when I have been on dating sites & he has been on there. As always I ignore any advances from him! I mean really… What a nasty piece of work!

#IBD4U

So with wine going down well one night, I am feeling a bit frisky again, or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be alone when my friend goes home. My friend is telling me to post on the anonymous app & pick up a guy. I haven’t seen Noodle on there for a while & he’ll be offline right now probably fucking his partner in some kinky sex swing! OMG I need to stop thinking about whatever the fuck they are doing!

I post that I am looking for a one night hook up & my friend & I chat to some random men, I get a few pictures & finally find one that I think will be good for the night – exactly what I need, remember the song from Hip Hop. I just need someone to fill the void!

This guy comes over, again he is younger than me, probably just outside my 10 year age bracket, but at this point, I am not even caring. He’s cute, a little bit taller than me. I am a little bit drunk when he rocks up at my house. I remember to delete the post from the app so that Noodle doesn’t see it. I don’t want to accidentally talk to him. I am always so conscious when I use this app to make sure that I am not talking to Noodle.

We end up in my bedroom, we are kissing & it’s good kissing, I like this guy, he smells good, he’s doing all the right things, I am underneath him & he is on top of me when he tries to choke me, I push his hand away saying no. I mean you all know I like a little choking, but there is no way I’m allowing this stranger to even lightly choke me. I don’t know him, I don’t trust him, I am not allowing this to happen. He stops which is good, not that I didn’t think he would, but then he looks at me & says “You’re a good little slut, aren’t you” Now this normally wouldn’t affect me so much or probably at all, I had gotten used to these fun games with Dom & Noodle – fuck I loved it when Noodle called me “His slut” I was his slut, I am not this guys slut. I hate that he just called me that.. WTF. I don’t know what is happening, as he flips me over & starts doing me from behind, I start crying… OMFG!!! This has never happened to be before & this is fucking weird! WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING… I try to hide it but he asks if I am ok, I say yes & that he should just finish. He stops & lays down next to me. He asks again if I am ok, I mean clearly I am not. What the fuck has happened to me… Remember back at the beginning of this blog when I couldn’t cry & my friends made me watch soldiers coming home videos on YouTube but I still couldn’t cry… Now I’m fucking crying at the drop of a hat… What the fuck is wrong with me?!

He lays down next to me & spoons me as I try to control myself, feeling so embarrassed, which isn’t something that happens to me much – I don’t get embarrassed easily (Clearly you all know that because I write this blog which is very personal & lots of people that I know chat to me about it. -It is what it is…) I ask him to leave a few times, but he doesn’t, he just spoons me & it makes me cry more. FUCK. I just want this guy to go because I want to fucking lay here sobbing! But I guess he doesn’t want to leave the fucking nutcase crying lady alone, who wants to be that guy? I feel like a fucking idiot. No one ever sees me cry. I hate to cry in front of people. It’s like my pet hate or like the thing I hate showing people about me that I have a weakness or something…

I compose myself enough to ask him to leave again & tell him that I am fine. I mean, I am not but I need this guy to leave. I have to control myself to get him out. He finally leaves, look I give him credit for sticking around, he didn’t cum, I didn’t cum because the waterworks started (& not the good kind of waterworks!) so I am thankful he was sensitive. However I cannot face this guy again.

He leaves & I crumble at my front door like a fucking chick in a movie… I fall to the ground sobbing like a wanker. I cannot control the sobs. They come in bursts. I am cold & crying uncontrollably that when I finally pick myself up off the ground, I am also shaking like a leaf. I crawl into bed heaving, barely able to breathe. Why did this guy upset me so much? But it wasn’t this man, it was Noodle. I am not ready to be fucking other men, clearly – or was it because he called me something that Noodle used to call me…?

This poor sweet guy messages me a few times afterwards but I ignore him. I mean fuck, who wants to talk to the woman who bursts into tears during sex.

A year or so later, he joins my chat group & messages me again but I don’t reply. I mean fuck can’t this guy leave well alone? I mean crying during sex has to be worse than having a limp dick! I feel so bad but I just can’t face this guy again.

#IBD4U

Post Noodle, I am avoiding looking for a man online – especially on any chat apps because they are fucking on there – which kills me to know… I am shattered & hurt every time I think about them, every time I think about the fact he hasn’t written back to my email, I don’t even know if he got it! Is he even looking at that cheating email account? I am a shell of a human being… You cannot understand what this feels like as the Mistress to be so easily discarded unless you have been in my situation. I know some of you are thinking I am getting what I deserve, but you must remember – I am the single one here. I am allowed to be on chat apps & dating sites. Noodle was on them for 4 years before he met me…

I go out with a friend, who I rarely get to go out with to be honest, there is something going on at my local pub, which involves having to buy tickets – some hip hop event & then they make us line up in the street, like fucking really, my local fucking pub trying to look exclusive. It’s a local hip hop thing, so not like it’s the Hilltop hoods or anyone of notable mention. It’s fucking freezing, I wasn’t expecting to be standing outside so I didn’t bring a jacket. I have my beautiful hair extensions curled, I am skinnier than I have ever been, I look hot. I wish I felt as good as I looked. I’m wearing a black pleather skirt & white singlet, I have on some cute heels & yeah I look good but I am faking it.

The night goes on & we drink, I drink more than I should because I am finally just out & about, we sit & chat, we dance when the act is on. It’s a really good night. I decide that I am horny (well not really but I am not wanting to remember that Noodle is probably fucking his partner since it’s a Saturday night) & need someone to fuck me tonight to get over Noodle. To forget him… To forget what we had…

I don’t think the song was out at the time, but listen to Dancing with a Stranger by Sam Smith (below is the YouTube link) fuck it is my life song… (I think I need to make a #IBD4U playlist! Hahaha) I don’t want to be alone & I am definitely not over him! It is what I am trying to do, to get over Noodle…

Source: LyricFind

I suss out a lot of men that that, lets face it, my local isn’t a great place even on a normal night so there aren’t a lot of options, even at a hip hop event there are even less… Like lots of Nike air max paired with trackpants & baggy t-shirts with baseball caps… YEP! You know the look, a Hilltop Hood try hard look. My friend picks out a guy that she says has been looking at me all night, he is standing near by with his friend, so I decide to go up & strike up a conversation. He is not much taller than me, brown hair, cute face, he’s just inside my age bracket that I am willing to go – 10 years below, 10 years above. Hahaha.

I have no idea what I say to them for most of it, but I am standing there I do tell them that I want to take someone home – right now. When my friend comes up to say she’s going home, one of the guys walk away & so I look at the young guy still standing with me & ask if he wants to go home with me. He says yes. We get into a taxi & go back to my house, which I have to pay for! OMG, why don’t men have money – I don’t want to be a sugar mumma!

We fuck & yeah it’s ok, nothing to write home about (or blog about!), I mean I am just looking for a one night stand, I don’t want cuddles or anything more, this is just about sex. At least this guy can keep his dick hard. Once we’re done, I’m not really sure why but he sits on the floor next to my bed as I tell him that he has to go. He says that he has no money to catch a taxi back to the bar, which was only like $15 or something, but I tell him that I have called him a cab & he should call his friends to get them to meet him to pay for it. I call him a cab regardless even though he is begging me to stay over & says that he won’t try anything with me, he’ll just walk in the morning. I’m like, won’t try anything, we just fucked for god sake… Hahaha. But I am stubborn & I call the poor dude a taxi & make him leave. I have no idea what happens to him to be honest. If he gets in the cab or if he walks but at least I called one for him as I push him out the door… Well not quite pushed him out the door, but the taxi was there when I made him leave. He was still begging to stay.

I don’t know why I kick him out so quickly, but I am hell bent that no guy is going to sleep over! I wanted Noodle too so badly, that I don’t think I can handle waking up to anyone else – which is stupid since I never spent the night next to Noodle. I don’t really want to have one night stands either actually, but I can’t really commit to anything else. I have Crows on the regular, I don’t want to get attached to anyone, I mean I don’t even think I could get attached to anyone at this point to be honest, but this is about the emotional capacity that I have right now.

I didn’t exchange numbers with this guy, obviously you can tell why but I do see him again at the same pub a few weeks later. He notices me but never comes to talk to me, I mean would you talk to the bitch that kicked you out when you had no money & shoved you in a taxi anyway?

#IBD4U

I decide that I am ready for something, post Noodle. Bahaha… What a stupid thought… But I want what I had with him only better, with someone who is single, who also loves me – I’ve put it out in the universe for the checklist now, so come at me T**y – from the psychic.

My friend is single for the first time in almost 10 years, I finally have someone to go out with. We decide to go speed dating! WHY? I mean this will be the third time that I have done this, been to speed dating… But I am determined that this time will be different!

I feel really good about myself having lost 35kgs, I am looking better than when I was with Noodle – mainly because I haven’t eaten in 2 months & I’m finally fitting into a size 10 skirt so I feel like this might be my night. I may meet someone like I should have the first time I went Speed Dating. I feel more confident with my new look, I have a cute outfit on a short grey skirt, black top, black tights & black high boots with a wooden look heel. I am also very much more aware about the fact that I am actually loveable, I am in an amazing place in my life (besides the lack of my love life) but otherwise I have a great job that I love, I am have a home that I am upgrading & love, I also have just secured an investment property (with the help of my parents). I am a strong career woman who is also studying law & is educated… I shouldn’t let the fact that Noodle & every other single guy on the planet gets scared about these facts. There has to be a guy out there that is strong enough to be with me.

The speed dating night starts off with my friend & I having a drink at the bar prior, sussing out the people who are coming & going. We then have to stupidly wait until the 2^nd break for the free wine & food – I needed another wine to start this shit. I assumed they would give it to us right away, well a wine at least!

We have our first few dates & I feel quite good about the night. I am not really finding anyone that attractive at first sight. I know that sometimes it takes time. With Noodle, I always found him attractive but the more I fell for him, the more I found him the sexiest thing alive!

The table I am at is very wonky & at least 2 of them when they sit down spill their drinks on me, like actually on me! Fucking hell… I assume it is nerves that make them spill their drinks as they sit down. They both seem very flustered about it & I find it quite funny – I mean what else can I say… I feel a bit sorry for them, but try to have a good night.

Every guy is a lot older than me mainly because of the age bracket my friend & I are in, she’s a little older so we went with the older group. I am not really feeling the chemistry with anyone except one guy, he’s cute & funny, that he sort of reminds me of a few guys I have liked in the past, all rolled into one. But I’ve had a few wines at this point & I have no idea what I say to him on the speed date – in fact I don’t remember much from any of the speed dates, but that could just be selective memory.

I find a way to talk to this guy at the end of the night too & I think that when we talk that we have some chemistry, we stand in the hallway talking for a while & he seems interested. I hope that we’ve ticked yes to each other on our cards.

My friend calls me to go downstairs with her, I say I’ll be back but then we leave & I never get to actually say good bye to him. I hope & pray that we both ticked yes to each other then I will get to talk to him again & potentially date this guy, He’s the first guy I’ve felt any sort of spark with since Noodle (I know that’s only been a couple of months & I never thought I’d have a spark or chemistry with anyone ever again, so the fact that I felt a little something with this guy is monumental for me!)

The next day I get the matches a few people message but I am not interested in any. The company actually stuff it up & give out the wrong details to people. People I didn’t tick yes to, are in my match list? WTF. The same thing happens to my friend, so then I get a bunch of messages from guys I don’t even remember, they really should use pictures on the cards.

I message the spark guy because we match, but I’m unsure if that was a mistake of the company or not… Obviously a mistake because I get nothing back at all from him. I am deflated. Another dude messages me, I must’ve told him about the blog because he says with the mix up of numbers, there might be a blog in that. He also says “Would you like to catch up for a coffee/drink? I imagine you’ll have lots of offers as you were really entertaining to chat with!” WOW, am I entertaining? Why didn’t I like this guy? I tell another one that I am keen to meet him, he takes days to reply & says something about catching up then he says have a great weekend & I never hear from him again… I tell another one that the company stuffed up my matches & who was he (because I can’t place this guy) He says “I spilled some of my drink on myself & on the table! You said I didn’t get any on you though” Oh fuck… Why is always the ones you don’t want that want you, but the ones you do don’t want you?

So I just leave it with all of them. I knew that I am not ready to date or to meet new people. I hate online dating & I hate speed dating. Why do I keep going? This is the third fucking time I’ve been. Oh yeah, because I do know a couple that met at speed dating right after I was with Boyfriend, like 12 years ago! Why does everyone else get a fairy tale & I am still single…

#IBD4U

The next week, I’m still talking to Fireman, I’ve met with Cowboy for the morning coffee & now Fireman is suggesting that I come over that afternoon, I do… Because I do like him & did like hanging out with him the other night, I was glad we didn’t have sex to be honest. I mean I need to have some self-control. This guy might not be a rebound, he could be a good guy, he could be a guy that I end up dating… I don’t need to jump into bed with him straight away – just because Noodle is having wild sex, doesn’t mean I have too… Wild sex might come eventually, but I just need to enjoy the dating part, the part I missed out with Noodle. The part I never got. The part I really like that I haven’t had in a while & when I have had, they are usually a douche. This guy isn’t a douche & seems interested even though we haven’t had sex.

We sit & chat, in his lounge room, watching some more tv, nothing exciting, we don’t have sex which is probably for the best as I said before but I am really enjoying hanging out with him & could potentially see myself liking this guy. He’s not that funny, but I think he could be funnier once I get to know him more?

I leave early in the afternoon as I have somewhere to go & this guy does live 90 minutes away from me. That sucks to be honest… But it is what it is. Fireman & I talk a lot, but I am studying Law, which I am not doing very well right now, let me tell you… I am having the crisis with Noodle – not eating, sleeping or studying. I don’t see Fireman again for basically two months, I mean during that time, Noodle has left his partner, she had a drug overdose & I’ve been fucking Crows, among other people.

When I do see Fireman again, he comes to my house. I am writing an essay & have to get it finished so I feel really rude but he was the one that insisted on coming over. I finish it terribly, asking his advice too. We decide to go to the movies, so we head on out. He drives in his hot car, it’s a lexus & it’s fucking nice! This would be hot car to fuck in… Hmmm, I must stop thinking about fucking in cars! When we get home to my house, we watch some more tv but he makes a move on me, kissing me & we go into my bedroom. We’re fooling around & when we go to have sex, Fireman can’t keep his dick hard & the sex isn’t very good. I mean he isn’t a great kisser, so I should have known!

This has been a few months, close to 5 months of build up (chatting & catching up) & he can’t even keep it hard?! Fuck my life! This is not what I need… A guy I am getting along with but no fucking chemistry in the bedroom! This is fucked. I feel like shit. Even worse, he jumps up & says that he has to go because it’s a long drive etc. I mean this guy could stay, but I can’t even be bothered asking him to stay at this point.

I have Crows, things are going well with him, I just didn’t want to fall into the trap of just fucking one guy, especially when I have no idea who is telling me the truth. I mean Fireman had told me he was broken up with his partner & living in separate rooms but recently moved out. I don’t know if I believe Crows story though, but who gives a fuck.

I don’t hear or see Fireman again, he leaves the groups on the chat app & I figure that I am not going to chase some dude that couldn’t keep it hard then ran away. Let me just state this – I have NO problem with a guy not staying hard during sex, but I DO have a problem with them jumping up & running away like they are embarrassed, what they don’t realise is that it makes the woman feel really ugly & shit. They can also still use their fingers & mouth if their cock isn’t working!

Crows & I had talked about the 3sum thing a bit that I had created a sort of joint online account (with his permission) to see if we can find another chick & another man to join us at some point. I avoid the website that Noodle was on with his partner, so I am on another site & who should pop up, but Fireman.

What a small place Adelaide is, I see Fireman view our profile & he starts a conversation with me. I didn’t screenshot it, I wish I did because I can’t remember what we said but he obviously got jealous because Crows had given me a ripped chest picture to put up & Fireman wasn’t that ripped, he was doing really well losing weight but he wasn’t anywhere near there yet.

I never see Fireman again after that. I am kind of sad that he just disappears because he was so fucking good to me when things ended with Noodle. I am not sure why this guy help me though something so terrible as a heartbreak, was there to support me & now just disappears. When I was a fucking mess, he was there, now I’m more together, he ghosts me? I mean is it because I’m not crazy that guys aren’t that interested in me?Because this isn’t a long post, I will put you out of your misery on this seemingly nice guy (even though he ghosted me!) & tell you what happens rather than making a short post to keep this in the correct timeline followed by another short post in a few months’ time when I am up to date!

So about 12 months later, Fireman comes back onto the chat app & joins my group. I ignore his presence in the group. He finally private messages me after a few days, I’m surprised that it took him that long to be honest. He apologises for disappearing & that he hopes there is no hard feelings, “I was an asshole” I tell him that he was but I’m not that pathetic & that I’m surprised at how much effort he put in for a one night stand, I mean this guy helped me through some tough shit with the whole Noodle break up. He says that he didn’t want to ghost me but he was ashamed by his shithouse performance. I am flabbergasted, I mean did he really ghost me because he couldn’t stay hard? Fuck men are stupid. He also says that the distance was a killer, which I tell him that I went to his house more than he came to mine, so that’s just fucking dumb.

He then says “I felt like (& correct me if I’m wrong) you possible wanted more that I would have been willing to give also” I literally laugh out loud when I read that, is this guy kidding me? I remind him that I was completely fucked up at the time, he knew that, I talked of nothing but Noodle & how much I was in love with him still, I tell Fireman that I considered him a good friend to be able to tell him that stuff, I also remind him that he saw my profile with another man & then never spoke to me again too. How can he think I was falling for him? I tell him that what we had was exactly what I wanted, a actual friend who I could fuck. He tells me that he wanted the same & still considered me a good friend, he says that he wants to redeem himself & that he’s worked on himself over the last few months so is in a better place… I tell him that the distance is still the same but he says he has a new job so the distance isn’t so bad. I joke saying he could rub cream into my sunburnt back right now but he says he’s near Murray Bridge & suggests tomorrow night. I stupidly agree that he can come over after my family has gone at about 9:00 pm, to which he agrees. He tries to get me to come to his house & says I can sleep over but I say that if he wants to make it up to me, then he’ll come to mine. He agrees!

He says that he wants some pictures (what a fucking surprise!) I say that he doesn’t deserve them & he says “Daddy normally gets what he wants though” First of all, he’s not my daddy, second, I am not a little & will never call a man daddy. Master or Sir, yes (if they are my Dom) but never daddy. I tell him he is not my daddy & he says “Yet.” I literally laugh again, fucking never going to happen dude! I keep mentioning that the distance is a problem, he asks if I’m ever going to let that go. I tell him “All I said to you was that I wanted more sex… then you took that as I loved you & ran away…” He laughs & says it wasn’t like that. He seems so appreciative that I am even talking to him right now, I mean I must be so sad & desperate that I am chatting to this dude again… I also remind Fireman that there was even a time when he actually had to ask me to stop talking about Noodle because I never shut up about it with him, mainly because Fireman was my friend & was with me though the whole thing.

The following day he is supposed to meet about 9:00 pm at my house, but at 5:30 pm I get a message from him “Afternoon. Any chance we can raincheck tonight? I’ve only just got home from my course & I’m knackered. I’m free weds, thurs, fri if any of those suit you?” I read it & don’t reply, I mean really… FUCK I’m so stupid. I feel like such a wanker! (also it’s a Sunday, what course?!) He writes back again about 30 minutes later saying “Thanks for replying, I take it you’re no longer interested. Take care yourself & all the best.” Like really… I am so done with this guy – he hasn’t he even said the word sorry? “What did you expect me to say?! Yeah no worries Fireman, dick me around & lie to me some more so you can ghost me again?! I felt like a fuck wit for even giving you a second chance in the first place then you bail. Your message to raincheck just reiterated that should’ve trusted my gut… I wish you all the best & hope you can be honest in the future.” He replies “Was going to type a reply to that but I’m not one to be nasty. Thanks for the well wishes, likewise.” OMG what could he say to me that is nasty? I don’t even care. I read it, screenshot it for the blog & delete him.

About 6 months after that, I never hear from him again but I am chatting to my friend, she asks me if Fireman is who she thinks  it is, I tell her it is & she says that he was a mega douche to her too, when she didn’t want to see him about the same time he was trying to see me. I mean we weren’t exclusive (obviously I had a online account with Crows), so I’m not bothered about that, but shit men can be so horrible sometimes… (So can women, but this is my blog! Hahaha)

#IBD4U

Ok, so this story goes against what I do – a little, as it’s not a dating story per se, it’s not even about a man I’m dating, but just something odd that happened to me that I think I should talk about. This type of stuff doesn’t happen to me often, well this doesn’t ever happen to me. But woerd things do happen to me, this is just one of them!

It’s almost Christmas (post Noodle – skipping ahead a bit since you all wanted a post every day this week). I’ve been invited to a party of a colleague/friend at their house, I go with another colleague/friend. I ask the hostess if she wants any help with anything but she says no, so many times that I almost stop asking. But my forte is helping in the kitchen & I also don’t know a lot of people so I figure that hiding making canapés is a good idea.

Several canapés down, I’ve basically taken over in the kitchen, everyone is saying what a good job I am doing & they are all very thankful. This is just type of person I am, my sister organises a party but doesn’t always execute it, so I sometimes take over. Maybe that’s the Leo in me. I’m not sure, but there is something in me that wants me to take over, be the hostess & person doing everything.

As I walk around with platters of food, I am getting lots of compliments on the job I am doing. As a side note, I actually feel pretty good about the way I look too, I am wearing the white dress that Noodle was obsessed with (as well as every other guy on the chat app when it was my profile pic), my hair has perfectly curled tonight & I am wearing cute heels, to be honest, it’s a waste of my effort for this party – there don’t seem to be any single men here.

After a while, I kick off the shoes as I am walking food around & busy in the kitchen. A few men thank me for the work I am doing but one of the wives gets weird about it. I had barely talked to him but his wife later picked up my shoes, brought them to me & asked if she could put them on, I reluctantly said ok, being a bit weirded out about this, not really knowing what else to say, then she walked over to her husband & asked what he thought, then he asked to buy my dress & I look at him weirdly, & didn’t really think about my reply, when I said “So I’m just going to walk around in my underwear?” which he smiles & says that he’d buy that too… WTF? I kind of walk away feeling awkward as fuck, cleaning up the whole house of glasses, bottles & platters, as it was so weird, why was she wearing my shoes & why was he wanting my dress & underwear – it’s a cute dress but this is odd…

Later in the night when the guy walks up to me to tell me to drink & stop cleaning, he puts his arm around me in a friendly manner to say ‘you’ve done a good job’ type thing, I didn’t feel like he was being sleezy, when I hear his name snapped, in that tone that says don’t fuck with me by his wife & I think holy fuck, he just said what a good job I was doing. Further into the night I am sitting down looking at my phone, trying to avoid her & him plus get my taxi app to work as I want to get the fuck out of here. When he comes up to me again, put his arm around me again, I ask him to leave me the fuck alone & he asks ‘Why, cos my wife might scratch your eyes out?” I’m like yeah so get away from me. He laughs but leaves me alone. If only he knew that I’ve dealt with one crazy wife this year, he’d know why I didn’t even want him near me.

To be honest with you, I don’t think he did anything to make her snap, so I wonder if there was a pre-existing issue there – like he’s cheated on her or something in the past, but I didn’t even show any signs of flirting or anything with him, as you all know I have major self-esteem issues so I honestly thought he was just being nice since I had waited on everyone all night & cleaned the house. It was awkward, even my friend said so.

However later in the night it happened to be the couple who hosted, my friend & the weird couple left waiting for cabs. She was so nice when the real hostess was saying how amazing I was & thanking me for helping out so much, the weirdo who wore my shoes was saying I was so beautiful & lovely… WTF? This is fucking weird, it’s almost 1:00 am, I want to go home. I am desperate for my ride to come or their taxi to come. When their taxi arrives, he comes up to say goodbye to me, I give him a half ass hug & I get a kiss on the cheek. -Just leave me alone dude!

I have to say that was one of the weirdest things to happen to me. I can only assume that there is some trust issues there, that I am unaware of & it made me think that that is what Noodle’s life will be like now, not they would ever go out to a random party like that, but he’d probably be drilled at every interaction with another woman.

Anyway because of the nature of the evening, I thought it deserved a blog post, not about dating as such, but just another weird thing I have to go though as a single reasonable looking chick, that’s just trying to be a good friend to a friend having a party!

So since then though, I have found out some more information! A little goss… I ask my friend about the couple & what their deal is & he starts laughing… That’s not a good sign! But he says that they are friends with them, but interestingly the story on how the couple met is slightly unusual too. They were brother & sister in law. How does that work? Well she was married to a guy & he was married to that guys sister… Are you following me? Something obviously happened & they left the brother & sister behind & got married themselves. So I guess that’s where her trust issues come into it. She obviously thinks that everyone is trying to steal her man. Well I can tell you right now, I’ve had enough married men to last me a lifetime!

A further few months after that Christmas party, I am at another function, in an amazing long narrow house, looking amazing in a long navy forever new dress when who should walk in, but this crazy brother & sister in law now couple. FUCK. One of my amazing friends does everything she can to ensure that we are at opposite ends of the house. However, standing outside overlooking the ocean, she comes up to us & knows my friend so says hello then looks at me & says “Oh I don’t know you. Oh maybe I do” & my friend sort of intercepts & we walk back inside… OMG. No more crazy, please!

#IBD4U

Side Note: Welcome to my 250th post! Wow… I’m so thankful you are all still reading!

Why am I still fucking this married guy Crows, I will never know… But I am. I’m not attached but I am at a point where I don’t want to keep fucking random men who are bad in bed. I am so fucking hurt & angry from the recent events in my life. I almost had what I wanted, it was at the tip of my fingers & it slipped though… There is nothing more devastating than losing someone you still love.

Crows is sexy, ripped & very good in bed. I know what I’m getting with this guy & it’s just sex. Good sex, so why not? The only time I don’t think about Noodle, is when this guy is fucking me, so why wouldn’t I use this distraction? He wants too, I want too. He says that he’s separated… Not my problem if he’s not. Definitely isn’t the first guy to lie to me & I doubt he’ll be the last… We talk most days but not all day long. I never want that again, I never want to get into another text relationship – I want to see the person, I don’t want to just chat online & fall in love then never get to see them. That was torture!

Another couple of weeks later, we hadn’t spoken for a few days, because you know me, I don’t message unless they message first. But also I don’t believe his story of being separated & while it’s not my problem, I don’t know if I want to get involved with another married guy or even just a guy with baggage. I get a message from him & he asks me if I’m still talking to him, I say of course. But I’m also not going to make the effort with this guy, I don’t want to make an effort with someone that has baggage…

When Crows & I catch up again, it’s at 1:30 am when he has just finished work – I think he works quite far away from me & I’m like 20 minutes past his house. So he has to go out of his way. This is also why I think his story is bullshit to be honest. I mean why can’t he meet me at normal time? I guess he’s just finished work & on his way home, I’m sort of awake when we’re messaging, so why not? I leave the door unlocked (like what the fuck #IBD4U, why do you do that?!) & I lay in bed but I fall asleep, which I tell him might happen but to wake me up, thus allowing this man to just crawl into my bed… Why do I keep doing that? It’s dark in my room & he slips into bed with me, I am sleepy as fuck.

I also don’t think I told you about my break up hair crisis properly, have I? I think we all have one of these to be honest – do something drastic with our hair. When I broke up with Boyfriend, I dyed my hair dark brown because he preferred it. While I was with Noodle the night I was going to do the naughty nurse thing but his partner got sent home from hospital, I put in stupid cheap clip in hair extensions. Obviously that didn’t happen but I sent him a picture and he said I looked hot as fuck, so I talked to my hairdresser about a payment plan & started paying off a set of proper extensions. Ironically, Noodle & I had broken up before he ever saw them & I had them put in the weekend after I got my keys back. So not a crazy cut or colour, just $600 worth of hair added to my own! I actually loved it & am trying to hard to grow my hair, but it’s blonde & snaps all the time… Hahaha.

So Crows was one of the first to see me with long hair, though he had only fucked me once with my just past my shoulder length hair, when he jumped into bed behind me he just cuddles me – spooning me, I for a split second think of Noodle & when he used to do that to me, I sort of don’t move or want to wake up, but I do snuggle into him. He kisses my neck & strokes my hair, which I fucking adore, he stokes it for a long time, so long that I wonder if we are going to fuck but I keep dozing in & out of sleep. The only reason I turn to face him is because I am scared he can feel the hair extensions against my scalp. We kiss a lot & he says that we don’t have to fuck if I’m too tired or sleepy. I tell him that I do want to fuck him, so we start kissing, we do it in the pitch darkness, probably the first time in a long time where I have had sex in the complete darkness – I usually have a candle burning which I always think it too romantic but didn’t like my overhead light on so recently bought a lamp for such occasions.

The sex is a bit clunky in the dark, to be honest, he goes down on me, which I have to say is some of the best head I’ve had in my life from this guy, then as he comes up to fuck me, we clunk teeth a bit & giggle. I grab a condom & he fucks me till he cums. He lays there for a little talking. I tell him he gives the best head & he seems surprised & says really. I’m like fuck yes dude that was amazing & he tells me that his wife doesn’t like it…WTF is wrong with her? & there you go, I don’t think they’re as separated as he says they are! But who doesn’t like having their pussy licked? I mean really? Apparently she thinks it’s dirty… OMG! I hope she doesn’t read this blog with the fricken dirty things I get up too! Hahaha.

When he says he should go, I agree, it’s almost 3:00 am & I’m fucking tired. But that was worth staying up for! I never thought I would find someone to make me forget Noodle, even if it’s just for an hour… I sleep blissfully, satisfied & happy, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months & I am thankful for the good rogering I just had.

We chat a bit over the next week when he arranges to come over after work again, this time I am home from work & he finishes earlier so we meet at 4:30 pm. A more respectable time that makes me wonder if he really does have this separated relationship he talks about – maybe it is true? I don’t know & like I said, I just don’t care at this point. I just need to be fucked by someone that knows what they’re doing. I don’t want to add too many notches on my bed posts & I am not ready to date anyone, so this guy is a perfect rebound. He’s not looking for anything (as far as I know because he’s still living with his wife) & I certainly don’t want to be in anything yet. I am still holding out hope things will go to shit for Noodle & he’ll come back to me… I know, I know I’m dumb, you don’t need to tell me that! I am stupid & think it every day that I wake up thinking about Noodle. Like he was a complete douche but I fucking love him… I know some of you have said there is someone else out there for me, but it took me 36 years to find one man to love me… I don’t want to wait another 36 for my next chance. You all remember that my biggest fear was dying & never having been loved, now that I have been loved, which I thought would last forever once I found it. My biggest fear is now that I won’t find it again, that I had a completely life changing love & I won’t find it again? I know everyone says that I will find it again, but will I?

Anyway, this is a Crows story! Poor guy, I get distracted even writing about Noodle! So Crows comes over & fucks me, I allow him to tie me to the x restraints on my bed & do all sorts of things to me. It’s not super kinky, mainly him edging me till I almost cum & then stopping… One of Noodles favourite games! Why do men find that so hot? It is because I call them a prick? Or because I get so frustrated & beg? Anyway we fuck for quite a while, I really enjoy my time with him, as I’m about to cum, he kisses me so deeply that I can barely breathe, it makes it so intense – especially since I’m tied up like a starfish unable to move. WOW. I really like that!

Crows & I actually talk about what other things we like to do, he wants a 3sum with another woman, what a fucking surprise & I tell him that I want a 3sum with another man, he tells me that if I set it up, he’ll definitely be keen. We also talk about going to a swingers play party together & I start looking into where we can actually do this in Adelaide. Turns out I know a lot more kinky people that I thought, because once I put it out there, I get a lot of offers & many suggestions about where to go, what ones are the best etc. I start to put a plan forward with Crows about how this will go down.

I even chat to a couple I know that I think would be interested in a 4sum, I mean this guy is hot, so there is definitely not going to be a problem for another woman, & the guy is a friend of mine, I may have mentioned before Holden. So I end up asking them if they are interested & we make a chat group on the chat app just the 4 of us. I think if Noodle is having 3sums & sex on his own with other women, the fuck him, I am going to fuck anything & everything, I’m going to try new things, be kinky as fuck… Not because I don’t love him or want him, but because I need to get over the fact that he chose her over me…

#IBD4U

At 10:30 pm I finally get a message from Noodle, I have stayed awake hoping that he will message me, he’s taken his keys again when he left, so I know that if I was asleep, he would of just come in. This will be his house now, I guess! He tells me that she’s pretty fucked & he feels really bad. He asks me how I am going, which surprises me, I just tell him that I have been trying to think about how I can make it easy on him, how I should take myself out of the equation. I just tell him that it’s hard for me to hear that he’s leaving or wants too but then she does something & he’s pulled back in. I get it, it’s been 11 years & they have 2 kids. But I want someone to want to be with me. “It’s fucking hard when she pulled something like tonight. I was fully prepared today. Think proved that too” WOW, he’s speaking in past tense with me. He did that with her today & she even said something to him about it. I am so hurt & so broken that I let him in here… “It’s manipulation that fucking works hardcore tho” Yeah I know Noodle & you’re falling for it. You fell for the open relationship/kinky shit & now you’re falling for more manipulation. I mean I know it’d be fucking hard to walk away from that, but even their families, would they really want them to be together?

I don’t get a message from him in the morning, so I message. He asks how I am, I mean, how am I? I am fucking broken & hurt. I just say that I am worried about him making a decision out of guilt. I tell him that I am in team planning & will check my phone all day. He says “Thanks, fuck your too good to me” I reply “I love you a lot & want to see you happy.” but he reads it & never replies. A few hours later, I message “Can I see you at some point tonight?” knowing that they will probably keep her in hospital a few days. He never reads it. Fucking prick…

I am not really there at work, I am physically there, but I am constantly looking at my chat app account. I don’t get notifications for the anonymous app but something tells me to check it. There are 11 messages… WTF? I’m not really chatting to anyone on there, who is messaging me… “Hey it’s Noodle. So I told my partner everything. She knows where you live but won’t do anything cos I got my stuff. I’m soooooo sorry. I had full intentions of leaving. & she knew that & that’s why she did what she did. I’m stupid & hate the fact I dragged you back in, I never wanted to use & had the intent of proper leaving which lead to the pill over dose. She will come for you if you contact me. I’m so sorry. It was a good yesterday tho. She had my phone so don’t message me.” WHAT THE FUCK ON SO MANY LEVELS! He’s been to my house & got his stuff? Like a thief on the night? Used his key, like he said he never would without me knowing? & taking an mentally ill patient to my house? Why is she out of hospital already anyway? What the fuck. What the actual factual fuck! “I seriously can’t believe this… I hate that you don’t even give me an opportunity to say goodbye & have been to my house without telling me… You made me such a fool! I hope your life with her is everything you dreamed of with me! I wish you believed in me more!” I am so gutted, but I don’t want to be the nuts one here, so fuck him. “She wouldn’t let me go alone. Thought it would be best you guys didn’t meet. Your not a fool. Just fucked up shit happened that I couldn’t do it. I believed in you & was 100% ready to leave her for you & yeah she tried to kill herself in front of me. Very confronting & emotional. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve done it out of pity & I’m dumb. I fully intended on leaving. Your not a fool.”

I am struggling to get out of work, my boss is trying to keep me there late but I tell her there is some stuff going on & I have to leave at 5:00 pm. I need to make sure my house is ok, I don’t know what state he’ll have left it in. “I know it’s confronting but you’ve been manipulated & are going to regret your decision. I hate that you took her to my house. You always said you’d protect my identity…. & hate that you never give me a chance. I am a fool… The fact that you weren’t allowed to go alone or couldn’t wait till I got home & that she had your phone should be an indication of what your life is going to be like from now on…” & all I get back is, “Your not a fool” What a wanker. I am done replying.

I get home just after 6:00 pm, dying to know what has happened in my house. I check my letter box & there is a maccas receipt with a note in all capitals “DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN YOU HOME WRECKING WHORE.” Oh good! Thanks Noodle… His keys are under my mat, I pick them up & that kind of kills me a little. I go inside & all my house is the same however it feels different. The bags in the lounge room are gone, the bags in my bedroom are gone. There is a note on my frige note pad, “Love you – Noodle. So sorry” I send a picture of the note she left me in my letterbox to Noodle. Not even sure if he’s online or will check it. “Sorry… I did not know she did that. She knows we were in contact & in love. My intention was to leave, I’m so sorry to have fucked with you.” I am so angry, that all I want to do is drive to their house & do something I will probably regret. Instead I go to my friends house with a bottle of wine. I can’t be alone. “Can’t believe you took her to my house… I would’ve got your shit back to you…” I mean I don’t know how but he didn’t have to bring her to my house. There were other ways that could’ve happened. “How? She wanted to go tonight. She would of said worse stuff in person. She won’t do anything she promised” Oh right, I fucking believe someone who just tried to have a drug overdose is in a sane mind to promise not to do anything to me! “I trust her about as far as I can throw her Noodle. Did she go inside?! Does she know what I look like?” At least at this stage I know she still thinks my name is something else. “She doesn’t want me to leave her she won’t piss me off. No she didn’t, just sat in the car. Where did she leave that?” I tell him in the letterbox. He says that he feels bad & he’s sorry. I say take care & he says take care too. “Least we got a kiss goodbye.” I want to stab him! Fuck him…I am at my friends house when I get a message on the chat app from a account Noodle only used for a few hours while his other account was blocked. “I never want to see or hear from u again. U mean nothing to me, I just needed a place to stay. If u ever contact me again she knows where you live.” Right well first of all, I know that’s not Noodle. He never uses text speak. I am at my friends house & lucky for Noodle that I am because I was going to say I’m not sure why he’s messaging me now, when we’ve already said our goodbyes on the anonymous app… My friend tells me to take the high road “I’m sorry you feel that way… You should stop contacting me then… I loved having your kids with me yesterday & rocking your daughter to sleep twice & chatting to your son. I truly hope you are happy. xxx” I actually wish I said something different to that to be honest now, but anyway. I mean I should’ve said more… But fuck he’s lucky I’m so level headed sometimes. Now she also knows what I look like, as my profile picture is my face, he could’ve warned me she was going to message me. I would’ve changed my picture. She replies “Yeah it was nice. But I can’t. She means everything to me. & u were just a play thing.” Again I wish now that I said something different, but I chose to take the high road again “Well I know that’s not true, regardless of what you say… The last year with you has been amazing & what ever you say now won’t take that time we spent together away from me. I think you need to stop contacting me. I hope you’re happy. I love you. xxx” Fuck that took all my might not to be a nut case & cause shit… I am certain she doesn’t know everything! Especially if that’s the account she’s using to message me & I send a screen shot to him on the anonymous app & he says “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” I mean fuck, he tells me not to contact him but she’s allowed to do whatever she likes to me?! Are you kidding? I am so fucking hurt right now… But I can’t cry. I go back to not sleeping or eating!

The next day I email him, I am so fucking furious right now, I don’t even care what she is capable of, I’m not scared of what she might do… I don’t know if she knows about the secret email account or not but I word it carefully in case she does. I also attach a screenshot the chat where he says goodbye to me, just in case she knows about the email & she’s the one to read it, not him. But here is the email I sent him…

“I know you messaged me on anonymous app & told me not to message you again cos she knows where I live now & has taken your phone but I don’t give a fuck anymore…

I am so angry you brought her to my house, you always promised me you’d protect my identity… What a joke Noodle. This is my forever home!!

Some best friend you turned out to be… Who does that?!

& as if she promised not to do anything, well you may trust her, but I sure as hell don’t…

I hate that you came to my house while I wasn’t here too, you also said you’d never do that. I would have made sure you got your stuff back, my sister could’ve met you or I could’ve taken it to you work, your mum/sister could’ve met me down the street… A million ways you could’ve got your stuff back without bringing her to my fucking house or either of you having to see me…

So gutless the way you say goodbye to me too, via the anonymous app… Can’t even stand up to your partner & say you need to see me to say a proper goodbye…

I believed you every time you’ve said you wanted to leave her, which was more times that you probably realise… So much so, I spent the day with you, held your baby all day & comforted you, gave you advice about her not being able to leave the state (again!). Learn your legal rights Noodle.

It’s not 1989 anymore!!

You said she knows everything but does she really know everything…

• That we were together for 14 months – messaging every single day, every single second that she wasn’t around you,
• that we kept in contact a lot while we were broken up,
• that you considered me to be your girlfriend,
• that we fucked at least once a week (usually more) for an entire year,
• that we fell for each other really early on,
• that I’ve been to your house a few times, once even just for a hug (that turned into a cheeky blow job!),
• that we stopped using condoms after like 4 months,
• that we talked about everything, not just sex,
• that we had sex in your bed while she was in hospital after giving birth to your daughter,
• that a few times you didn’t shower after fucking me & slept next to her with my cum on your cock,
• that you had 4 chat app accounts & have been on anonymous app & chat app for over 5 years,
• that you wanted to get me valentines day flowers but I was away for work,
• that I had keys cut for you & you had them for about 8 months,
• that you consider me to be your best friend & have wanted to maintain that friendship the whole time we’ve been apart,
• that you wanted my panties & then used them to jerk off, sending me a video of you doing it,
• that we videoed & took pics of a lot of our sexcapades,
• that we had a threesome in January,
• that our sex life was so comfortable, we were kinky from the 2nd fuck, not after 11 years,
• that you saw me for lunch after we ended,
• that our biggest fantasy was spending the whole night together & we almost did the night she was in hospital having your daughter,
• that we went out for lunch dates & to the gym together,
• that we had baths together,
• that you used to park your car somewhere & I’d pick you up after you couldn’t fake your location,
• that you used to fake your location,
• that you’d pop in & fuck me on the way to work at like 5 or 6am & even came to see me that morning after you had to take her to hospital when she had those pains – pretending to be at the gym,
• that you took days off work to spend with me,
• that every Tues night you lied about what times you worked so you could spend more time with me,
• that we bought each other Christmas presents,
• that we fucked in your old store, including you fucking my ass & then another time with a USB cord tied around my wrists,
• that we had sex so many times in fun spots, train station (you even looked up the train timetable), the car wash, side streets, gym, work… List goes on! &
• that you said I love you first! Via the chat app & also in person…

But most of all, does she know that if she hadn’t taken those pills in front of you, that you’d be with me right now?!

I mean does she really know everything?!

Maybe show her this brief list of our relationship & she can see that I wasn’t just a “play thing”, as she said in her chat app message to me from your account!!

I honestly can’t believe she is a 30 yr old mother of 2 with the way she’s behaving. The attention seeking suicide attempt, the note in my letterbox, the chat app messages from your account & the text messages when she first found out (even if they were to the wrong number but she still tried to message me!).

I could’ve done so much to you to ruin everything for you & I still could fuck with her… But you know I won’t.

Would’ve been nice to have the same courtesy from you, instead of bringing her to my fucking house!! That’s seriously the worst thing anyone has ever done to me… I fucking hate that you did that Noodle.

You said you’re staying out of pity & it’s dumb, you’re gonna hate yourself so much for letting me go… When you realise what a big mistake you’ve made… Don’t bother contacting me if you haven’t moved out, cos you’re the boy who cried wolf & I don’t want to hear it…

You’ve made such a fool out of me…”

What do you know… Noodle never replies… Lucky this time I am angry, so I don’t even try to write to him again, begging for his attention. I am done. This is unforgivable.

#IBD4U

I write back “what?” Because I have no idea what the fuck is going on? I’m still asleep, am I dreaming? Is this a joke? Noodle wouldn’t joke about this… What the fuck is happening? I don’t get a reply as I am walking out the door so I send “I’m about to leave I am not leaving keys out to feel like a fool if you don’t end up using them…” (Even though I slip the keys under the mat.) I just have this feeling, that it’s not over. But what the fuck has happened? My heart is pounding in my chest…

I have been looking at my phone non stop for the last 45 minutes, trying to work out what the fuck is happening. Finally it beeps… “I’m leaving her for you. It’s over trust me. Having a fight, she wants me to take the kids.” Does he mean he doesn’t want to have the kids? “You can take the kids to my house you know…” He asks me what he should do. I can’t help but be a little excited but scared about this. Am I going to get what I want?! “If it’s over & she wants you to take the kids, then take them… You’re going to have this same fight forever if you stay.” He tells me that he’s dressing the kids now. I ask him if he wants me to stay home & he says “If you could please” I know that he wouldn’t ask me if he didn’t really need me… He’s not the type to show a vulnerable side. I turn around & go home. Fuck he is going to be so messed up about this & while he says it’s over, I know it’s not…

“Fake sake she’s being a manipulative cunt about it. Gonna have to ring the cops I think. She told me to take the kids now she’s saying I’ll get done for kidnapping. She says I have to go to my parents with the kids. She knows I’m going to yours.” He tells me this is shit but he’s on his way, he just left. I tell him that I did leave my key out like a loser – so he knows, but I also ask him to turn off his location. He says “Haha it’s off trust me. That caused an argument. She’s threatening to kill herself now” I tell him to call the police to get her help but he rocks up at my house. He walks in & I haven’t seen this man in months. He walks in holding the baby who’s about 4 months old at this point & his son, who decides he won’t come in my house. I don’t blame the poor bugger, I mean he’s just witnessed god knows what at home & now he’s at a strangers house. Noodle hands me the baby & goes back outside to get his son to come in. It’s cold outside in June & I’ve got the heater on. Noodle gives me a peck on the lips & looks at his phone which is just buzzing with her name. He rejects the call & sets his son up with his iPad & a snack. I show his son where my toys for my nieces & nephews are, so that he might want to play with that stuff. Noodle is surpised by the the fact I have kids toys. I laugh, I never had kids like he thinks I do.

Fuck this day is going to be tough. I know it’s not over, they’ve just had a fight, that’s all… Once he goes home to drop off the kids, he’ll have to see her. She’ll beg him to stay & I just have a feeling this isn’t our time. But I am going to try & enjoy this for now, I have him here in my house. I have his kids at my house. Maybe they should all stay here tonight?

He constantly messages her all day, he barely ever puts down his phone. I get it, he’s been with this woman for over 10 years but here I am siting next to his son, with his baby on my lap while he does what he should’ve done at home. Talk to her about breaking up properly, ending it before coming to my house. I feel so used right now. He paces around my house & comes to get the baby when she cries for milk (Fuck. Watching him be a dad makes me fall in love with him a bit more, if that’s even possible!), I end up with the baby again & she falls asleep on me. He sits next to me finally & we hold hands. We talk a bit throughout the day but like I said he’s constantly texting her. He tells me she’s offering a 3sum with me, she’s also offering for him to see me as a polyamorous type relationship. I have nothing against people who are poly, however, there is no way that I am going to be in a poly relationship with a man who has a crazy 1st wife. She is being so irrational & I get it, I mean in my final moments with Noodle the first time, I was begging him to stay then telling him he’s an idiot. I understand she’s doing the same. But I hate that he’s come here when it is truly not over with her…

I, of course, ask what the fuck happened & he says that he forgot to block the friend on the chat app that he talks too & his partner got up to feed the baby in the morning & went through his phone & found everything. He says that he’d been chatting to her about how much he loves me & that he’s not over me, that he’s still talking to me & that he wants to see me again… She read all these messages, after having being told that he wasn’t in love with me, so she apparently woke him up with a punch in the face at 4:00 am. What the actual fuck. I say to him that he needs to go to the police but he refuses. I say “If you had punched her, do you know where you’d be right now?” but all he says is “I did cheat” like that makes it ok that this woman has previously used mirror shards & knives to try to stab him & now has punched him awake… I can’t even imagine what that is like for him. I hate that I don’t push him to go to the police or to get legal aid, like I said we would.

Noodle stops texting her so much, ignoring her calls that come every 3 minutes & looks at me & says “I love you” & I look at him into his eyes & say “I love you” we both smile but there is a sad look in his eyes. But he says “That’s the first time we’ve said that out loud, you know” I think it’s super cute that he knows that. I mean I know it’s the first time we’ve uttered those words in real life, but I didn’t think this douche guy realised that, nor did I think he’d say it. We link fingers & we sit there until he starts messaging her again, he leans forward, I think so I can’t see the messages. I slip my hand up his shirt & rub his back. I want him to know I am there for him, but I am feeling so stupid sitting here with his baby asleep in my arms. I am also having thoughts that I will be able to fuck this man all night tonight, which I am desperate to do now, but I think that his son will be a bit clingy if we went to my room, as he’s sitting so close to Noodle while playing on his iPad. But man I want to have sex with him & remind him what he has with me. Am I going to get everything I want today? Is it even possible? I mean Noodle keeps relaying some messages that she’s writing, she’s threatening to kill herself a few times & he just rolls his eyes. He paces a lot, I’m assuming that’s stress. He even asks me about the people I’ve fucked since him, I mean this isn’t a healthy conversation. I just want him to calm down.

He tells me that she’s begging him to bring the kids home, which he decides he wants to do. As he’s standing at my door, he says that he has stuff of his in the car. I don’t think he’s going to leave it here. I mean he’s so back & forth all day, he’s not moving in here like I really want him too… But he goes out to the car & brings in 4 shopping bags of stuff & says he doesn’t know where to put them – he doesn’t want to mess up my house. I say just in my room, he gets a couple of other things out of the car before he puts his daughter in the car then comes in to kiss me goodbye. He says “I’ll see you later on.” I watch him driving away & it hits me that I will never see him again!

I know that I won’t hear from him while he’s dropping the kids off & wait for him to tell me he’s on his way back. I dash around washing my long hair so he can see it, it’s up in a pony tail & was dirty, so I race to wash my hair & I am aware of not cleaning up the toys & maccas bag that Noodle had delivered because I don’t want him to think I am too clean. I do however find his 4 shopping bags in my spare room inside the door, I pick up each one & work out that 2 are clothes & 2 are full of computer stuff, so I put the bags of clothes in my bedroom – I contemplate putting them away in draws & then I put the 2 bags of computer & gaming consoles in my lounge room ready for him to connect to my tv. I wait & wait for him to message & the longer I wait, the more I know that something has happened & he is not going to leave her… So many things go through my mind, she’s violent, has she succeeded this time in hurting him, stabbing or something? I try not to let my imagination run away with me.

“She just OD ….” OH FUCK. I knew she was going to do something, but I didn’t think she would actually go through with trying to kill herself. He says that she took the pills as he walked in the door & said he was leaving her. He even says “She did it in front of my son!!!” I tell him that that’s not ok & she needs proper help. He says “WTF do I do #IBD4U. She actual did it.” He says he called an ambulance but it’s taking a long time to get there. He’s reluctant to call her parents, but I tell him that he has too, she needs someone at the hospital if he can’t be there. He’s mega pissed off his son saw everything, which I agree is fucked up. He doesn’t want to call her parents, he says that they will kill him. Well, I mean they already know something has happened, he told me she’s close with her dad & her parents have always hated him. He is so torn in his messages, says he doesn’t want her to be alone but is really worried about his son, being that he saw everything including the ambos taking away his mum after this weird day. He’s almost 5 so he’s going to know what’s going on. I keep telling him to call her parents, it’s been an hour & he’s still at home & hasn’t called her parents to let them know their daughter has been taken to hospital with a drug overdose. I even offer to babysit his kids for him, so he can sort this shit out, but he says he doesn’t want to be a jerk to her. I am just trying to help. I offer to go there just to help out, but he says no. He says “I’ve never felt so shitty in my entire life than those 20 mins on the phone.” I tell him that she just did it for attention, knowing that it would hit home for him with his childhood trauma… It’s a cry for help & she needs it. I really hope she gets it. I tell him that if she really wanted to do it, she wouldn’t have done it as he walked in the door, she waited till then because she knew that he would save her by calling the ambulance. She had played the game during the day telling him that she was going to do it & then stopped writing messages & ringing, then would start again calling him names for not caring about her.

He still hasn’t called her parents but his mum just text her to ask if she’s ok, she’d also been calling his mum all day that Noodle was at my house. He says that he’s been cleaning the baby bottles & feeding the animals (they have 2 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit & 2 ducks – that I know of.) He just keeps saying “I don’t know what to do #IBD4U. This is so fucked” I ask if he means being with her or me or what he should do? “Well I can’t stay with her but yeah she has fucked with my head.” I had a feeling she would pull a stunt. It makes me realise that even if I was with Noodle, she would always be there, always causing some sort of drama. I am never going to have the life I want with him, ever.

He finally texts her dad & tells him she’s been taken to hospital almost 2 hours ago. I tell him that’s job one & he asks what job 2 is. I say pack their stuff & I tell him to come to my house. He tells me that her parents really hate him, they called & cracked the shits – as any parent would do. I ask if he wants to go to the hospital & he says “I do, she was my partner for 11 years. I still love her.” It pangs me to hear that, but I know that he is going to stay with her. I need to make peace with that. He feels trapped & this is just another stunt to make him stay. Who wants to be the asshole that leaves the chick that just tried to kill themselves?! He tells me though she always been crazy “She once got taken to hospital for a break down with 3 cop cars…” I don’t even elaborate on that, I mean I want to know what the fuck that even means but I just say “She’s not crazy, she’s got a mental illness & needs help.” I tell him to pack the kids up & drop them at mine or at his parents, but he should go to the hospital. I mean I really don’t want him too, but I think he should go. He is still unsure if he should go or not. I tell him that part of me thinks he should go but her parents might not let him see him but the other part is that I want him to come to me. He says that he feels sick. I feel sick too. I tell him to come to my house but he says all his son’s stuff is at their house & he’s not sure if she’ll come home. He takes ages to reply to I ask what is happening, he says that his parents called & so did the hospital, she’s asked to see him. He realises that he’s left the baby formula on the table at my house. I offer to drop it off, I offer to go to the hospital & sit in the car while he’s in there. Then he says it “Just so you know. I never used you… I told her I was proper leaving when she took the pills.” Fuck, he’s going to stay with her… I knew this was going to happen & he did use me…

He tells me that her dad is messaging saying she’s begging for him to go to the hospital. At this point, it’s been like 3 hours & he’s still not there… I mean doesn’t that tell her something? I tell him I feel like a fool & he says as always, that I am not a fool. He’s says he’s left his stuff at my house & wants to come back to my house too. He says “I’m so fucking torn, Fuck this is so hard. I’m at the hospital now, so will get back to you later.” Fuck… I feel like such an idiot.

#IBD4U

I torture myself all week over thinking every thing I said or did, not sleeping or eating because I have hurt Noodle. I know he’s hurt me & you all think I’m stupid at this point, but I never wanted to hurt him – I never wanted to upset him, I don’t want him to think I have betrayed him… Again I know it’s stupid but I can’t help how I feel about this & him! I am in agony over what he’s done to me but I’m in more agony about hurting him… It’s not tit for tat. It wasn’t my intention.

I haven’t slept, so I draft him an email. Again I pour my heart out, telling him that I couldn’t keep away but maybe we shouldn’t chat on the chat app but via email. I tell him that I am sorry for telling his friend anything about him, but I explain that she’s been good for me. She told me things he’d said about me, which helped me because everyone around me is saying that Noodle didn’t love me,he was using me to boost his ego. He had talked to her & she didn’t know officially who I was until we ended, but he told her that he was in love with someone & wanted to leave his partner for me but just didn’t know how too.

I tell him that I don’t think he actually realises the depths of my feelings for him & how much I wanted him & his kids in my life. How much I thought about that… I explain that all the things he used against me as a reason not to be with me, about how clean my house is, how messy he is, but I was ready for my life to be turned upside down with him, I mean it already had been turned on it’s head!

I had at one point ages ago, told Noodle that I wouldn’t ever live with a guy again, that I would make him have his own house & we’d come together when we wanted… I explain in the email that yes I did once think that but I was so excited about the fact that Noodle was potentially going to be living with me one day! Even the mundane shit of “washing your clothes (then fucking on the washing machine), you playing video games (me sucking your cock when I got sick of it, hehehe), I even thought how you could park your car in the carport every night & I’d park on the street cos my car is a work car…” Wow I really thought about a lot of boring crap, as well as the kinky stuff!

I end the email “I want you to know that the only reason I am trying to cut so much contact with you, is not because I don’t love you or want to talk to you or don’t want you as my friend, but because I can’t keep telling you how much I love you or how I can help you to have a life with no lies which includes your kids…” It’s true, I can’t keep telling him how much I want him for him to have some excuse for why he doesn’t believe me thrown at me.

I check my emails daily & the junk box for a reply from him but nothing! FUCK… I guess one good thing, is that I am going to the gym like a maniac & not eating so I am losing a lot of weight! I draft another email to Noodle a few days later when I can’t sleep again, I can’t stop thinking about him. I say that either he hasn’t seen my email or decided not to reply. Well done him for being so strong, I wish I was. I used to think I was the stubborn one… But maybe I’m not! I don’t know why but I talk about really mundane things like me getting the hair extensions, that I have finished uni for the semester, that I am going to Coober Pedy for work this week, that I have been away for a funeral, also that I got the biggest whinger award at the gym awards night. But afterall, he is my best friend.

I tell him that his friend from the chat app asked about him last night & I said that I hadn’t heard from him. I ask him to talk to her because at least she knows the situation, even if he won’t talk to me, maybe she can help him.

I go to Coober Pedy for work & because a colleague got me so freaked out about going out when it’s dark that I basically finished work, went for a run then sat in my room, fucking bored out of my brains, thinking so much about the life I almost had! I end up breaking down in Coober Pedy & cry like a wanker, like uncontrollable, puffy eyes, unable to breathe crying. The type of crying, I NEVER do… The type of crying that you feel all over.

When I get a moment of clarity, I draft Noodle a final email a few days later, saying that it’s now been 2 weeks since I go the ‘k’ message from him. I haven’t tried to contact him on the chat app, just via email. I tell him that I knew this would be harder for me to let go of him that the other way around, I mean he has a family so isn’t alone like I am. I tell him that I will stop being clingy & that I truly hope that he has the life not that we dreamt we could’ve had together.

The morning I wake up on the couch with Max, my phone is going off… When I finally get to look at it, I know before I see it that it’s Noodle. “Because I’m a stubborn cunt refuse to message you cos of the way you pretty much said goodbye. Then I check my emails today (which I don’t do often cos it’s a secret account) & you’ve emailed me twice!! After fucking with me on the anonymous app & the chat app too. Man I feel like a dick for not checking my emails. You’ve been unlocked on the chat app the whole fucking time just so you know. I assume you not wanna talk to me & your super strong & not needy, but fuck I get you wrong sometimes.” FUCK. He also emails me telling me that he didn’t want to look like an idiot messaging me when I said good bye like I had. I mean really. I am glad that he is finally talking to me. I tell him that we really need to think about what we say to each other, so that’s why I emailed, I had time to think about what I wanted to say without having a little dig at him or him saying something shit to me. But the comment about me fucking with him on the apps yesterday? I mean what does he even mean!? “Yeah, even tho I said a whole heap of shit to you yesterday without knowing it’s you” What the fuck is he talking about? I ask that, he says “Your telling me you don’t have a 2^nd chat app account?” WHAT?! I ask what the fuck he is talking about. “Ok well talking to a chick that seems to relate to our story a little too well…” He says that maybe it’s someone else I know. I don’t think anyone would do that. But I also I don’t think our story is uncommon. “I’m sure I’m not the only woman to be hurt by a married man.” He says this chick tried to get his partner to join the chat app groups – if he thought it was me, why would he give out her chat app account to me? If I was going to mess with her, I would do it as me! I wouldn’t get someone to do my dirty work nor would I use a fake account! He sends me a screenshot of the conversation, it’s all in text speak. I’m sure he should know I wouldn’t do that. Also he met her on the anonymous app which would be hard for anyone I know to work out who is who – I can usually tell when it’s Noodle.

He says “It was fucking odd. Didn’t think you would do it either so was like wtf. But it all points to you…” I tell him that I was out house hunting yesterday (for my investment property) so I wasn’t on the chat app, then he says “I chatted to you on the anonymous app yesterday the same time I was chatting to her too. Had time to chat on the anonymous app. I’m not stupid. lol” WHAT THE FUCK? So he was catfishing me on the app & now is blaming me for catfishing him & his partner… OMG! I feel like I am in high school!!! How dare he accuse me of doing it, when he’s doing it to me. He tells me that he also saw me on tinder & freaked out a bit, swiping no to me quickly.

He realises that I have emailed him 3 times, not twice but one went to his junk (Why does that happen?!) which was the final goodbye one, which he says “FFS your annoying” I ask why “Cos I’ll only appear desperate & loser for so long before I give up altogether. I tried all fucking day. & You were like Nup. This is it. Goodbye for now.” Well it needed to be then he snapped about me talmng to his friend.

He says “I block you but stupidly unblock you everyday I get to work. For the last fucking 2 weeks too. So felt pretty dumb when I checked my email.” I feel pretty dumb too now that I never tried to contact him on the chat app, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to be ignored or have her find it either. I mean she has access to his phone all the time but he didn’t tell her where we really met, so she doesn’t know he was already on the chat app for 5 years prior to them joining with matching fucking user names.

He once even told me that she was too scared to have morning sex with him because he was too rough & now she’s asking him to choke her? I tell him that his partner must’ve read some of our messages or something because no one just changes that quickly! He says that she didn’t. Says that she knows nothing, she didn’t want an open relationship but he kind of encouraged it. She told him that she wouldn’t fuck anyone, then didn’t realise how much attention she’d get & so she did. He tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about his sex life with her, he just says that’s she more open sexually & doesn’t want to elaborate.

He says about me though “If you fuck someone every week. Message them every spare moment. & have long ass convos too. Your gonna fall in love with them. & I feel so dumb for letting it go so far & hurting you. I never ever neverrrrrrrr wanted to hurt you. Assumed I would always be fun. & I was the stupid fool falling for you. I fell way earlier than I let on. I was romantically interested in you by the 3^rd fuck. Feelings within 2 months of sex. But the sex was so good. But you made it clear. You & your fake toughness. In the end your just a girly girl. With an actual heart.” I tell him that I got feelings for him pretty early on too, which is why I stopped fucking other people. He says “No way, Really? I just assumed cos guys were dicks” Again something else Noodle doesn’t believe me on… I mean when will this guy ever believe me?

He asks what I’ve done since him, I tell him minor details, he tells me that he hasn’t fucked anyone that he hasn’t been able to get anyone & I am a smug bitch, thinking sucked in. He says that he’s jealous of all the attention she’s getting & she’s sucked more than one cock since finding out about me. He says he gets offers on the chat app all the time, but really how many people would actually go through with it? I mean I got offers all the time too, but I had lots of guys fuck me around when you actually tried to set up the date, so I’m assuming that would happen with him for women too.

I ask if he’s talked to his friend from the chat app & he says that he has but has been blocking her when he gets home in case his partner wants to look at his chats. He tells me that within 20 minutes of joining groups on the chat app, I had text him – yeah of course dude, people told me he was back on there & was ignoring me & my texts. He asks who told me & starts cracking the shits when I won’t tell him. he acts like a child, saying “protect them obviously they mean more to you than me.” So I fucking cave & tell him, but reading back on this blog, I really wish I didn’t fucking say anything! He was a asshole to me & didn’t deserve to know who told me what. He says that he thinks he’s entitled to know who is talking about him, yet I’m certain his partner is talking about me & I don’t know it…

He tells me that his partner has already made a good friend on the chat app, who she has fucked & he is hoping that he’ll be able to see me again. Could I even do that? I did say that he should’ve swiped me on Tinder & met me with this open relationship thing. He says that I’d be stupid to fuck him again but he says “I would fuck you in a heartbeat if I could.” I tell him that we could pretend to be strangers, he’s told her my name is something else, he’s told her my real job but she also doesn’t know what I look like, so we could totally pull this off. We could legitimately see each other again. I miss the chemistry, it wouldn’t be a secret – would it be as hot? It wouldn’t be what I totally want, but at least it would be something. He asks if I would consider that & fuck I would… Why?! I’m so stupid!

The next morning at about 5:30 am I get a message from him says “Even my partner thinks it’s you.” I am finally sleeping & so don’t get it till later. Not this old chestnut. Like fuck, does this guy not know me at all? He sends me another screenshot of stuff this chick said & yeah look I can see why he might think it’s me, but he’s an asshole for thinking it’s me & why would he give out his partners chat name if he thought it was me? I tell him again, it’s not me & that our story is not uncommon, I mean since writing this blog, I have had so many women tell me that they have had a similar experience to my Noodle story. It’s also not uncommon for the man to choose the wife over the mistress, I think he’s just freaking out. I mean it’s an anonymous app, he told me he always knew it was me when I was on there so wouldn’t he already know it wasn’t me!? I try to get off this topic because what the fuck does this guy think of me really.

I tell him about the fact I’m house hunting & he calls me a rich bitch. I show him pictures of the hair extensions & he says they look amazing. He askes me if I’ve fucked 50 people already, because I look so good. He tells me that it’s his favourite picture of me, that I look so good without makeup. I tell him that I always put in effort when I saw him, putting on makeup & doing my hair. He says that he always did his hair & wore aftershave when he saw me too.

We talk about what we could do if we became friends with benefits. I know that I am just suggesting this stuff because I know if I can get Noodle alone with some more quality time, that I can show him what life would be like with me. He says that it scares him to fuck me again “I literally messaged you every spare second I had, saw you every moment I could cheat. I was madly in love with you. I’m scared that would happen again if I fucked you. Got insanely jealous that others wanted you, that you wanted to fuck others on the chat app. That shit ain’t healthy.” He tells me how pissed he was when I met Shark, how pissed he was that Holden wanted me too. I tell him that it’s not over for me, that I see a solution & we could use it, I even try to entice him by telling him that I want to wear the nurse costume he got me for Christmas.

He says “Just so you know, I’m not a good person. I struggle with empathy. I never cried or felt bad that I cheated on my partner. Or guilty. It’s kinda fucked up” This I already knew, I guess. The fact that he cheated for a fucking year & then treated me so badly, I know he isn’t a good person. I tell him that I never actually felt guilty either to be honest. I mean I wasn’t cheating, but I should’ve felt a little bad about fucking in her bed or at their house. But I never did. He tells me that she thinks he’s a psychopath… Why would someone stay with something they think is a psychopath? I say that I don’t think I could stay with him if he showed no remorse if he cheated on me, he says “I felt bad, but it didn’t upset me. I was more sad that I’d never see you again when it happened.” Awww, that is a little cute, but messed up!

We are back to chatting every day all day when he is at work. This is not good, but I am like an addict, can’t I just have one last hit & walk away? I wish I could, I am a strong, smart woman. Why can’t I walk away from this?

The next day I wake up at 7:15 am to a message from Noodle sent at 6:50 am. “Hey, can you leave some keys out. Everything has finally ended.” I sit bolt upright in bed… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

#IBD4U

So Max. When will I escape this man? So when I was with Noodle, remember the flowers I got that I was secretly busting for them to be from Noodle. Well they were from Max. My nanna had died the year before on valentine’s day & he remembered. It is very sweet & I am thankful that he did that. However I can’t hide the fact that I wanted it to be Noodle. It’s almost been a year since I last saw Max.

Now these stories get a bit confusing, so I will write the Max side first. & my next Noodle post will fill in the blanks. I haven’t spoken to Max in a while, like a long time but he pops back up after the whole Noodle thing explodes. At this current time I am not talking to Noodle because he writes back “K” to my messages desperately trying to explain that I never said anything to our friend besides I wanted her to chat to him & help him since he’d told no one else about me…

It’s one of my best friends birthday, I have no desire to go out, I haven’t being drinking because I didn’t want to get depressed & cry all night long, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to fall into that slippery slope & to be honest at this stage I am still not eating much at all, so much so everyone around me is worried. However, I remind everyone that I am well aware & they only need to worry when I start hiding the fact I’m not eating from them. I am open about it & know why I am not eating. I can’t stomach food, I can’t even sleep right now. I have tried to make contact with Noodle since the “K” message via email which I will go into in a Noodle post (yeah it’s not over yet!) but no reply.

I am chatting to Max & he wants to see me, I am not really in the mood to see him, but I am going out for my friends birthday, we’re going to my shit hole local. I look amazing with my new long hair & slim body. I put on a cute outfit & meet them at the pub. I drink tonight & I am drinking really shitty red wine, but I am just not caring.

I am at the pub talking to my friends partners friend – who I find out later is obsessed with me even though he has a live in partner, he apparently talks of me to my friend all the time, asking what I’m doing, how I’m going, apparently looking me up on Facebook… FUCK! Why is it always fucking partnered men that see how amazing I apparently am! I didn’t know it that night but yeah this guy is talking to my friend all the time about me.

I’m sitting there watching the band, chatting to this guy & also texting Max who says that Sweetie was taken the kids to her mum’s & he’s home alone. I kind of get the feeling that he has not found anyone else & I am replying. I feel like a dick, but again, I don’t want to put more notches on my bedpost. But fuck I need to forget Noodle! I get drunker that I should & I tell Max to come to the bar. I see him walk in, we make eye contact, I am sitting next to a guy chatting & expect that Max has gone to the bar to get a drink & then will come up behind me & stand on the other side of me. However he never comes to my table. I try not to message, not wanting to be a weirdo, when it’s been about 15 minutes since I saw him & I ask where he is, maybe he went in to the pokies. When he tells me he’s home, I ask if he’s serious & he says that he is. He saw me chatting to a guy & assumed I was with him. FUCK men are stupid. First, I was texting Max to come to the pub & secondly, can women not be friends with a man or talk to a man? Anyway I tell Max to come back & pick me up, which he does but he messages me when he’s in the car & I go out to him. He decides that he wants to go for a drive & we chat, nothing of substance. He pulls up at a boat ramp, a boat ramp I’ve fucked the Mechanic at once & he says that he wants to walk along the jetty. We do but it’s fucking freezing & I have no jacket. Why did he want to walk on the jetty on a freezing cold night? We get back in the car & go to my house. I turn the heater on immediately & lay down in front of it. We start talking about us & how we ended to which I tell him everything that I’ve wanted to say about how stupid he was. I also start talking about Noodle & that’s about when I start crying. WTF. Why am I crying to a guy who also hurt me in the past?! What the actual fuck? I haven’t heard from Noodle this week, which really upsets me even though I have reached out. I have tried & got nothing back. I am so drunk that I am crying about Noodle to Max. I think Max gets the drift that we are not going to have sex – which was never my intention, so we both end up falling asleep on the couch for the night. I have an amazing comfy king bed & we sleep on the couch – that is so weird, we don’t touch each other all night.

I wake up early & he does too, the heater is still on, we don’t have blankets on us so I guess that’s why I’m awake so early. We wake up & he kisses me, touches me that we end up going into my bedroom, I’m naked in the lounge room & walking up the hallway to my bedroom he says that I am fucking tiny (As in lost weight) I don’t really notice it, but it was nice to hear. He says that he wants to tie me up & do things to me. He instructs me to get a towel & I do, laying to down on the bed & allowing Max to tie me to the x restraints. He refuses a few times to put on a condom – saying that we’ve had sex without one before (which is true but it’s been a year, who knows what he’s been fucking), so I tell him that he can’t fuck me, so we never have sex that day, but man this man makes me squirt with just his fingers. He doesn’t ever really go down on me, he uses toys a bit, but mainly his fingers.

Oddly as we’re finishing up, I hear the chat app beep on my phone that’s in the lounge room. Then another beep, then another until there are several beeps. I somehow know that it’s Noodle! I mean my phone is no where near me, but Noodle always sends like 20 messages instead of one long one… I just know it’s Noodle… I don’t know how but I do & then I am dying to get my phone. Because there were so many beeps I use that as an excuse to get up & check my phone, saying something must be important. I get dressed in a little nighty thing & sit on the couch, holding my breath that these messages are from Noodle. I am going to be crestfallen if they’re not… FUCK… Max walks into the room but I can’t control myself as I open my chat app to 7 messages from Noodle! FUUUCCCKKK… I’ll go into this in a Noodle post (so all get excited to find out what happens… there’s a bit of a spoiler for you though!)

Max asks if I’m ok & I do tell him that Noodle has messaged me, I tell him because I think then he might go home & leave me to message Noodle in peace. I know that I am probably going to cry, which I hate & do not like doing in front of people. I don’t want Max there but I sort of don’t want to be alone either. Which is stupid, Max is not a good support person for me right now. He sits with me all day while I have my phone in my hand. I am not even sorry. I mean Max has treated me badly in the past & I know that Noodle has too, but fuck I am finally talking to Noodle & I can’t help it. I am relieved… Cue, Noodle Post! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

This is from Tinderella. She has changed the names, so don’t start thinking about every Ryan you know. Hahaha…

Enjoy this story too… This one had me giggling!

Ryan

Not being one to count my chickens before they hatched I had been chatting with a number men on my newly made tinder account. Ryan popped up with a “Hello Miss” earlier in the week and I am a sucker for being called Miss. The usual conversation went on, (what are you looking for – something casual) but Ryan surprised me when I asked him if he had done the casual hook up thing before and he answered that he had. I asked if you just met up and went to bed, he agreed yes that’s what happens, he told me if it was good you continued it and you got to know each other while you were in bed together.

I can be very literal and take people literally (funny that!) and I had taken Ryan’s word for it that we would met and go to bed. Needless to say I was disappointed on Friday night when I texted Ryan to check if we were good for the next night and he told me he was out of action.

While I was sitting outside Cedric’s house on Saturday afternoon feeling very deflated I sent Ryan a text – I asked how he was feeling – of course I had other intentions, but I didn’t want to be pushy. I was relieved and surprised when he responded telling me that he was feeling much better and I should go out there after all.  I drove home and hopped in the shower and got ready to go. I sent him a text telling him I was having a glass of wine for Dutch courage. Ryan asked me if I was staying the night. I had been thinking that we were going to fuck and then I would leave (after a polite time of course) – suddenly I was being invited to stay – then he told me to bring the bottle of wine with me.

When I pulled up at Ryan’s he came out to meet me. Now to say he wasn’t what I expected was an understatement.  The problem with any online dating app of course is you are only seeing people’s best photos. When describing him to my friends later I used the phrase “I wouldn’t leave the house with him”, it wasn’t that he was unattractive, it was his whole personality. The way he walked, spoke and acted – this guy was a wanker.What greeted me when Ryan came out the door was a wiry man, shorter than me (which I never usually go for) who was pissed. And I mean pissed. Turns our Ryan had been playing bowls all afternoon – and drinking in the sun. I walked in: horse racing on the TV, some heavy rock music playing and an ashtray on the table. Fuck I thought to myself what have got myself into?

I can also be a bit blunt – I said “Oh, no do we have to watch horse racing?” Ryan turned off the Tv and I poured a glass of wine and sat next to him. We sat there in awkward silence for a minute, I can talk to just about anyone and I started to put my conversation skills to use. I couldn’t hear a word Ryan was saying over the music, so I asked him to turn it down – “You’re pretty fucking bossy aren’t ya?” he said to me. I was only half a glass of wine down and thinking about making my exit.  He turned the music down and we sat and made small talk. Not one move was made by Ryan (or myself) but he was shocked when he found out I had only bought one bottle of wine with me. He suggested we go to the bottle shop and I agreed – better go before I drank too much more – when we were in the car he asked if he could touch my tits. I agreed and next thing he had his hand down inside my bra. He informed me that I had “nice little tits” and we went back home.

We were sitting on the couch – Ryan smoking and drinking me just drinking and the time was getting later and later. Ryan made mention a couple of times that if I chose not to sleep in his bed I didn’t have to – he had a spare room that I was welcome too. He also told me while we were drinking that he wasn’t fucking any one woman exclusively. I would like to think now a days I would have hauled my arse out of there but I was half pissed and I hadn’t had a fuck in 2 ½ years.  My experience with Cedric that day had left me feeling like I wouldn’t find anyone to fuck ever – so I wasn’t going to give up this opportunity. He told me that when he fucked a woman more than once or twice they became attached – I told him he didn’t have to worry about that with me.

Finally after midnight he had enough to drink and we went to bed. Ryan informed me that when “his women” – yes he used that phrase – it makes me cringe now – stayed they didn’t wear anything to bed. I hopped into bed wearing just my underwear – when Ryan got in he felt my arse and said “what are these doing on?” I took them off and he told me that was better.

Before we started he told me that when his women stayed he liked them to leave him a “love letter” before they left so he could read it and smile when he got up. Yes, he actually used the phrase “his women” more than once!!!

He kissed me and surprisingly considering how drunk he was he wasn’t a bad kisser. He made the usual moves playing with my breasts and then he went down on me. When he came back up to kiss me he just put his dick straight in. I was in shock and didn’t say anything . I regretted that afterwards of course and had to go to the Dr feeling very sheepish and ask for an STD test.

Ryan was great fuck, talking to my sister later we realised the poor guy must have had some self esteem issues. He was strong, knew how to move and had me cumming twice although while we were fucking he asked me twice if he “was the best fuck I had ever had” of course I answered that he was I may have paused but I am not a complete asshole! Once he had enough of fucking he laid on his back and asked me to suck his cock.  Remembering that this isn’t something I had done often in the last couple of years (and writing this I just realised I sucked two men’s cocks on the same day! Not my usual style at all!) I went to work. Ryan started to snore so I stopped. He woke up and grumbled about “women who stop sucking after 5 minutes” – he was a real charmer… I went back to it and he passed out again….

#IBD4U

 

I barely sleep again thinking about meeting Noodle again… How will this go down? Should I kiss him hello or is that how we get into trouble? I can’t believe he’s still lying to her too about chatting to me & now he’s fucking meeting me! It’s been just over a month since we ended & saw each other last – that infamous time when she asked for a picture of him at the gym. He’s such a dumb idiot… She will somehow find out that he’s met me & I think she’ll go ballistic. I mean I would fucking flip out too if I were her! But she has been begging him to see me, so maybe he’s told her that he’s meeting me to ask me for the 3sum but actually he’s just meeting me to give my keys back… I wonder if she even knows he had my house keys?

I tell my sister & sister in law that I am going to meet Noodle. I ask them what to wear & my sister in law tells me that I should make an effort to look good but not over the top like I am trying too hard – she said an ex did something like that to her & she just felt sorry for him. I thank her for that advice because I was going to wear something he’d love, like a skirt & low cut top, maybe lingerie. But I just go for my usual undies (which Noodle thinks is sexy anyway) & I just wear jeans & a top. Jeans are his most hated outfit for me, but we’re just going to sit in the car. Nothing over the top but still shows him that I have lost about 8 kgs at this point since he saw me last, which was only a month ago… I hope he’s fat! Hahaha…

I message him to tell him I’m there, I see him walking to my car. He’s wearing a baggy work shirt. I am nervous but also oddly at peace… He looks like I remember, but yeah I can tell he’s put on a little bit of weight, that makes me oddly smug! Hahaha.

When he gets in my car, it takes all my might to not lean over & kiss him like we’ve done so many times before… It’s weird that this feels a bit awkward but also feels horrible, that this man knows every single part of me & now we’re basically acting like strangers… How can’t that even be?

He hands my keys back as he settles in the car, I hand over his name badges which he left in my car a few times when we’ve fucked. As our hands brush though this exchange, I am reminded of the electricity between us. I wonder if that’ll ever go away, say for example if we meet again in 10 years time, will there still be this crackle of chemistry between us?! I also don’t know if its because this man has broken my heart into a million pieces by the way he’s treated me or what, but I notice things about him that I never noticed before, little nit picky things… Like his few grey hairs in his hair & through his beard or that he has nose hairs poking out the bottom of his nose… I mean I still find him really attractive, but I start picking up features that I’ve never noticed before. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing, you if I start thinking he’s not that hot then I can get over him easier?! I don’t know what it is.

I also can’t help it when he says something about her having my phone number, so I ask why she never called or text me when she clearly had my work phone number from their son’s iPad, I’m not sure how she resisted if she really is like how he described her. He looks at me weirdly, he says that she did, she sent heaps of messages but apparently I just denied everything & stopped replying. OMG… She never text me! Fuck how didn’t I get those messages? I explain that I never got any messages, she definitely has never text my work phone. (Thank god for that!) She must’ve got my phone number wrong! Fuck I wonder what would have happened if she got my phone number right, would I have been so forgiving of Noodle or would I have let loose with everything that I needed or wanted to say, telling her everything about the 3sum, about fucking in their bed? Or would I have taken the high road?! WOW. I wonder what would have happened had she got the number right. Noodle just laughs but I ask why he didn’t stop her – it’s not funny, I mean yeah I fucked her partner for a year but it takes 2 to cheat… Why isn’t he stopping her & asking her to just move on & forget me. Like fuck, why would he even allow her or tolerate her messaging me?! I mean I thought he’d be a bit stronger to be honest & just tell her to forget me – he tells me not to message his phone & I respect that. He should’ve told her to not be messaging some poor random about cheating! (That would make a great blog post, the messages to a stranger!) He tells me that he thinks it’s really funny & that he did tell her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen, so he just let it happen. OMG Really…

Noodle talks about the night she found my panties on their fridge, he tells me about how violent she was, breaking a mirror & trying to stab him with pieces & also a knife. He packed up his car & was ready to leave but she then she also got really drunk so he couldn’t leave the kids behind. I tell him that I wish he messaged me because I would’ve told him to bring the kids to my house. Wow… He has told me she’s been violent towards him – I mean she apparently used to get in fights at nightclubs back in the day, but I didn’t think he’d tolerate it towards him. He’s really surprising me. But I guess he did cheat & trying to save his family – which is what he keeps saying.

He asks me if I’ve fucked someone else yet, which I have now, Rob Rob & Crows. But I don’t want to make Noodle jealous. I know this is dumb, but I am loyal & didn’t want to fuck anyone else in case he came back to me, then I could have a clear conscious. But he keeps asking & I admit to fucking someone, I don’t say who or how many guys, but I tell him that I have. He almost seems relieved when I tell him that I have fucked another man. Maybe he’s relieved because he’s in an open relationship now so he’s going to be fucking other women soon…

Noodle & I talk longer than I was expecting to be honest, he said he could only spare half an hour, saying his work is so busy & he doesn’t have time. Yet he’s with me for a full hour before he says he has to go. I can’t help but be disappointed, this is the last time I’m ever going to see my best friend again. That hurts… A lot! At least this time I know that this will be the last time! It’s a lot harder than I that thought. I mean he probably isn’t ever going to talk to me again after this. I have to be prepared for that… This has to be the end. We shouldn’t talk again… I know that, but it’s also not what I want! As much as my readers are saying get rid of him, unless you’e had a chemistry like I’ve described with another human being, you cannot understand the pull this man has on me! You cannot understand why I am so in love with him…

I watch him cross the road without looking back & as I drive away, I think “Fuck, I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.” That was so fucking awkward, I just wanted to kiss him, a proper kiss goodbye on the lips – just a peck not a pash. But I was going to settle for a peck on the lips. He was going in for just a hug. So we sort of mis-kissed… That was so fucking awkward, for 2 people who are so in sync, that was fucking awkward. But that somehow proves to me that this is not the end for us…

I expect to never hear from him again. That was the end, for us, for now. I have my keys back. I can relax a little. It felt fucking weird, as much as I don’t it to be the end, it has to be. He has chosen her, he is staying with her, regardless of the reasons why, he chose! Fuck though, I want to message him. I wonder if he wants to message me or if that’s over for him?! Is he done? Does he really want to be done with me?

I haven’t even gotten home yet, when my phone beeps with the chat app jingle, he’s the only one not on silent, my heart stops. It is Noodle. Whatever he has to say, I am definitely not going to reply. We have to just be apart to both move on! That was the end, this is the end. It has to be the end. I can’t keep doing this to myself… I read his message, thinking this will be the last one I will ever read from Noodle “Well that didn’t feel like a very finished convo” FUUUUUCCCCK! I’m fucking writing back before I know it agreeing with him, saying that it was a lame hug but he had to go. He says that yes he was only going to take 30 minutes not an hour, I apologise to him for keeping him when he says ‘That’s ok, I didn’t want to leave.’ DOUBLE FUCK! I stupidly offer to see him again, perhaps if we keep talking he’ll realise what he’s let go. Maybe I can convince him that he’s not a burden to me, that he’s not in love with her, that he’s in love with me… Why am I so tragic?

He asks me if I want to say goodbye for good, definitely not but I tell him “You want to make your relationship work & I need to move on. Neither can happen if we’re still in contact” I tell him that it’s part of why I wanted my keys back because I keep listening for him to use then. “I wouldn’t of used them without telling you? Secretly you wanted me to visit again?” I laugh & tell him it’s not a secret. I am thankful that he wouldn’t use my keys, but I am also living this dumb fantasy that he will, you know? Now I can relax.

He tells me “Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is cut me off & ghost me. I’m trying to work out why you haven’t.” I tell him it’s because I still love him but ask if he wants to stop talking to me “Even more reason too. No I want to keep speaking, just don’t want to upset you” I ask if he wants to see me again “I would like too again. I enjoyed it. And… It felt unfinished. & that doesn’t mean sexually…”

The next morning he messages me saying that he swears I went into kiss him, but I didn’t. I tried to give him a hug with a sweeping kiss on the cheek. I tell him that I am going to miss him helping me with food & diet the most. He says “I can still help. You do know I can’t just switch off everything. I can ignore it… But not switch off fully.” Well I’m glad he said that because, fuck I don’t want to stop talking to him. We chat about the fact I’ve been to a naturopath & he’s been eating a lot of food lately.

I have also been sent their online dating profile that they share, with the same user name as their new chat app account names. OMG… That’s just fucking sad. Get your own identity! Their profile picture is her sucking his dick… Yeah I’m so glad I’ve seen that! Fucking hell… He says that she made the profile that it’s all her, the pictures & everything. There are a few lies about their weight & body types. He also tells me that his partner is telling anyone who’ll listen on the chat app that they are open because he cheated & going in o the whole thing. I try to help him out letting him know that he shouldn’t be on the chat app because there are people with screenshots trying to destroy his relationship. All he’ll need is her to find the wrong person & it’ll be over. He tells me that she knows everything & the screenshots won’t matter… OK well, considered yourself warned Noodle, because you brought her on the chat app. He tells me that his partner has organised someone to fuck him solo & she’s fucking someone solo this week, that I snap.

“Fuck you. Have a nice time Noodle. I really do hope it all works out for you. I really did love you & you were my best friend I’m gonna miss that.” I don’t read his reply. But I get a few in a row… I am so fucking hurt right now… He messages me on the chat app but I ignore for hours, walking around the house sobbing. When I get a text message “I really didn’t want to piss you off & wasn’t trying…” I can’t help myself, I check the chat app messages “I didn’t fuck anyone for the record. I’ll miss you too… If that’s your goodbye. FFS Fuck didn’t want to piss you off.”

I throw my phone on the couch & cry…. Fuck this is excruciating… A few hours later, I get another message “I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin, you are worth more than that to me to just forget you. Goodbye then, your fucking amazing & one day you’ll get a guy you deserve, I hope everything that happened between us will make you a better person. I’ll never forget you.” I can’t believe that I only saw this man yesterday & now we’re fighting… I am so hurt, I can’t even contemplate what I want or be rational. I take an hour to write my response “You may as well stab me every time you say some guy will be so lucky to have me – you were that lucky guy! You hurt me by saying you wish things were different – things can be different if you got some legal advice & let me help you with everything else. It kills me every time you tell me something about your amazing sex life – but I truly hope it works out for you. I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin either but for now, I have to walk away. I can’t keep hearing these things from you, I overthink it & it gives me hope you’re going to make the right decision. Just so you know I won’t every do anything to jeopardise your relationship, so if anything is every said, it’s not from me. In the future, you can contact me, but for now we have to move on. Good luck Noodle. #IBD4U” Instantly he writes back “Hmmm.”

FUCK.

Later than night after a few hours of my goodbye, I’ve fulling cat him off, he messages me again accusing me of telling his other friend on the chat app that he’s a loser with no friends… She was a good friend to him & when it ended I chatted to her a fair bit & she told me that he loved me a lot & he was very torn about what to do. She had advised him & been a great friend. I am fuming at his message, that I am not going to write back but then I can’t help myself. I explain that I told her that he has no friends to talk to about me, not that he didn’t have friends. Not many people on the chat app know about us & he obviously hadn’t told anyone in his real life about me, so he only really had her to talk to about me. He doesn’t believe me & I write a message trying to explain it better & I get back “k” My family is over for dinner & I literally burst into tears & barely function for the evening… FUCK… This can’t be how it ends with Noodle.

#IBD4U

So I had decided that I need sex with someone else because I need to stop thinking about sex with Noodle. How good sex was with him! OMG… How comfortable I felt with him… How much I love him… STOP. Also now he’s getting amazing sex from his partner apparently (Thanks for sharing, was not necessary!), I should be too.

I post on the anonymous app for a hook up, so many men respond, but I start chatting ot one in particular, who seems kind of normal… He says he’s going to the footy tonight & asks what are the chances of us actually meeting up, because he’ll stay sober & come over after the game. I tell him that if his pictures are pretty realistic, then his chances are very good. He’s cute, seems tall & just what I need tonight.

We chat a little but not much because he says that his phone is dying (& he’s at the footy with mates) & he wants to be able to message me once the game is done. I ask him if he’s single & he says “not exactly.” Oh FFS, what does that even mean?! He explains he’s married – separated, they still live together but they sleep in separate rooms. (Yeah right!) At this point, I am so hurt by Noodle that I don’t even care what this guys deal is. I’ve already fucked another married guy Rob Rob earlier today at his house, like I will never learn my lesson! & I can’t really judge Crows, I mean Fireman said that he lived with his ex for almost a year before he moved out of the house because it got awkward & they were fighting a lot. I guess if things are amicable for Crows & his wife, then I guess staying together for the kids is a good idea.   I still let Crows come over because let’s face it, I need something to erase the fact I lost something so special to me – even if it wasn’t special to Noodle (Though I believe the same as what some of my readers that have said about Noodle is burying his feelings for me & telling himself that he wants his partner because he wants his kids… Maybe I’m naïve, maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I agree with my readers!) What is it about married men that I’m attracted too or are attracted to me!

Crows is definitely better looking than his pictures that he sent me – he’s tall, slim, muscly – almost can see ab definition & very handsome. I feel a bit out of my depth now that he’s turned up at my house. Thank god I am drinking wine, wondering if I can go through this or not. We sit down on the couch to chat, as I had said to him during the chat today that I didn’t want to be just a root, I want an ongoing friends with benefits with someone who is good at sex – is that so much to ask?

Crows moves in to kiss me, he’s a good kisser… We have sex – it is good sex & I find myself enjoying it, not thinking about anything else but this guy with me – much to my surprise. He has a pretty big thick cock that worries me that it’ll hurt me when I initially see it. I am known for not loving a big dick because it can hurt me. But it seems to fit alright & it’s actually good. Sometimes men with big dicks think that’s all it takes so they aren’t very good at sex. I find men with smaller cocks seem to work harder! Hahaha.

When Crows goes down on me, I actually think that he’s better than Noodle to be honest, he actually makes me cum pretty easily like he’s eating a really juicy peach, while then slipping in 2 fingers & make me cum like I never thought I would again with another man. Wow, I’m really surprised I let go enough to cum like that with a complete stranger. I mean I had cum with Rob Rob today but this was an intense orgasm that I never have with strangers. Noodle was the only one to get me to cum like that ever before. WOW.

Crows lays around for a while with me after which I also like, I hate when a dude just jump up & runs away (probably home to their wives, lets face it!) but what the actual fuck, I spill the beans about the whole story with Noodle. He listens, asking questions & provides his perspective which I appreciate & he leaves. I cannot believe that I have done that, what is wrong with me?! Why would I tell a random stranger about the guy I am still in love with & about all the shit he’s doing with his partner now she knows about me.

Just a side note to that too – I know some of you have said that Noodle was lying about her or she was cheating on him. Well I can confirm that Noodle didn’t lie about their sex life before or after their affair. I have no idea if she had an affair, but I had actually questioned that myself – why else would someone be so paranoid… However, I have seen a few women that have been cheated on & become a crazy sexy sexual being after her partner cheats. I believe that it’s because they think that he cheated on her because of the sex. The women (& men) who are cheated on are told the lies that it was just sex so they try to change their ways to keep their partner happy. What they don’t realise, that if it was just sex, the guy would probably be fucking a new person every week, I mean it’s less risky because the random sex encounter rather than a ongoing affair with the same woman. Clearly when a man cheats just with one woman for a year, it is more than just sex…

I expect never to hear from Crows again being that he’s married with very little kids too – I mean he says he’s separated & living in separate rooms, however I am not sure how much I believe that story to be really honest. Plus I just had verbal diarrhoea about my now ex (or whatever the fuck Noodle was/is). FUCK. I can’t believe that I did that… Am I ever going to be ok with another man ever again? I mean I am trying so hard right not to get over Noodle. I have fucked Rob Rob today & his house & now I have fucked another married man on the same damn day! I mean I am not sure I believe Crows story of being separated, but at this point, I don’t even care! I am literally an empty shell, barely functioning.

I’m surprised when Crows messages me again & offers up his chat app user name for me to chat to him on there – which is a bit easier. He says he recognises my profile straight away & remembers being in a banter group with Noodle & I. He said he felt awkward trying to talk to me because Noodle always jumped on any guy that attempted to talk to me. (OMG, others noticed it too!) FUCK me, it makes me miss Noodle even more.

I chat to Crows almost daily but we don’t catch up again for over a month. I think that his story of being separated is total bullshit or I scared him off with my stupid verbal diarrhoea. Probably the latter. But also because a lot of stuff happens that you’ll find out in some other blogs. Stay tuned! Hahaha.

He says he has to work early & then look after the kids so he could come to my house at 5:30 am. I tell him that I will leave the door unlocked but will get back into bed… Why do I let men do this? This is only like the second time I will have ever met this man & I’m getting up to unlock the door then waiting in bed for them!? Fuck. I’m so dumb sometimes. However we have amazing sex & while it’s good while I’m with him, I can’t help but think about Noodle once Crows is gone…

When will I ever stop thinking about Noodle after I fuck other guys?

#IBD4U

Again, Noodle has the control. He logs off & doesn’t bother to message me again. I fucking hate that he does that I can’t do anything about it. I mean I can, but I am not a fucking idiot. He’s told me this woman will hunt me down & kill me. I also don’t really want to cause him any more drama. Or do I? I mean I will admit, I’m only human, I consider rocking up at his work, her work, their house, I even consider faking a pregnancy… Like I mean my thoughts are clearly a little nuts when heartbroken, I get that, but I’m pretty sure that’s normal thoughts, what’s not normal is acting on it. Man I wish I was nuts!

Interestingly, I never hear from him again on that account, I get a screenshot from another person who knows us well, who sends me a copy of Noodle’s new chat app account. What a fucking asshole… His name is a word (which I won’t share) but then “guy” with his year of birth. Oh fuck, so assuming she’ll be the same word with “girl” & her year of birth (Which I know because she just turned 30). I look it up & bingo, there is her face both on the app with only a couple of days on her tally (as the chat apps tells you how many days you’ve been on the chat app). OMG. The thing that bothers me about this is that he would pay anyone else out for doing that, having matching names, he would give them so much shit, yet he’s now got fucking matching user names… OMG he’s really not the guy I thought he was…. He’s such a fucking wanker! I can’t even believe that I was (lets face it, still am) in love with this man. Why hasn’t he messaged me on this new account? We were chatting ok on the other one?! I am so fucking angry, I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days. He’s now back on my turf with her & hasn’t bothered to tell me. He is fucking stupid! Why would he bring her onto the chat app after publicly announcing that he was with me under his old account that he shared pictures with so everyone knows who he is & now he has his face up again & so does she… I know he told her we met at the gym, but he should’ve kept her far away from the chat app, with everything he could!!

I message him on the chat app from my account to his new account & he reads it then never replies. So I send another message & he doesn’t read it, I get nothing, I send another & he never reads it. FUCK YOU NOODLE! I’m so mad & beyond caring at this point that I send him a text message “Noodle, I need to get my key back & I’ve got your xmas present + name badges to give back too. We need to meet.” I say that stuff in case she reads it – just so she knows some stuff he might not tell her. But I get nothing back from him. What a fucking wanker! I am so angry!

At this point though, I didn’t know there were emails waiting for me in my junk box, until I met Cowboy for coffee. So I am fuming about how Noodle has left things with me. But obviously when I sent the message on the chat app & then the text, he emailed me to ask me to stop & also that he would meet me for lunch this weekend. He also tells me that he blocked me on the chat app because she has full access to his phone & doesn’t want her to find my messages. He tells me in the emails that he’ll chat to me at work. All I care about right now is getting my keys back so I can move on. I can’t stop thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need to dash that fantasy right away!

Finally on the weekend, he’s chatting to me on the chat app, I ask why he didn’t message me & he says that it was part of the conditions, he couldn’t talk to me. I tell him that I figured that I was worth more than being ghosted but he tells me that it wasn’t possible… I call bullshit. I mean he wasn’t at work, I guess so couldn’t message – but he’s back at work now. If you remember when he used to message me in the shower or toilet – a cheeky message or 2, I’m sure he could’ve found some time to message me a proper goodbye, if he really loved me like he said he did…

I tell him that I feel stupid for emailing all that stuff, but I wanted him to know that I held back so much because he was already with someone, but in the email, I didn’t hold back at all. I let him know how much I loved him & that I had visions of marrying him, visions of his kids with us, him living in my house… That we would make our own… He tells me that it was very heartfelt, he had the same fantasies & that I don’t often show the vulnerable side of me. Which is true, I mean he was in a relationship the whole time, so I was guarded & keeping a guard up because I was protecting myself… I had to protect myself. Imagine how destroyed I’d be right now if I didn’t… I mean it’s bad enough as it is!

He tells me that his hours have changed at work on Tuesday nights so he wouldn’t have been able to see me at all & that he was holding me back… I mean when he was on annual leave & we still saw each other, we would have made something work – so he’s just making excuses now. He asks me if I got laid yet, which I haven’t… I haven’t even been able to make myself cum at this point because I can’t think of anyone else but Noodle’s face at the moment, so I haven’t done anything at this point…

I ask the question I’ve been burning to know… You probably have too “So how did she find my undies anyway?” Why haven’t I asked this yet?! I assume she was snooping in his gym bag & found them, brought them into their living room & held them asking who’s are these… “I left them on top of the fridge” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Why would he put them on the fucking fridge… Were they in a bag or a container or something? Did this guy want to get caught or what? “Thinking she is short she wouldn’t find them. Big mistake. Haha” The fridge? I mean what the actual fuck really… He said they were just on the fridge, bright green lace panties on his fridge… Fuck he’s an idiot!

He told her that he met me at the gym, which was stupid really, because I’m certain that he won’t be allowed to go again now. He said his partner has been ok while he was at home still on paternity leave, but now that he’s back at work she’s gone a little nuts, messaging him all day & not happy when he doesn’t reply quick enough. Says that she’s tracking his phone more than ever, as she’s home on maternity leave while he is back at work. I feel sorry for both of them. That’s no way to live!

When Noodle confirms with me that he told her that he wasn’t in love with me & that we were only fucking for 3 months – he figures that we only loved each other for 3 months so everything before that didn’t matter, I want to hit him. I fucking hate that he told her that, I mean I understand why, to save face with the mother of his children. I knew that he would lie to her, but fuck me, that fucking hurts me like hell, by trivialising what we had. My first love dissolved into a 3 month meaningless affair to him.

Also why is he telling me this, I mean we’ve always been honest with each other, but is he trying to hurt me? Is he doing this on purpose to make me hate him or is it just that we told each other everything & so he continues the honesty? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But fuck, I do want to know. I want to know what lies she’s been told. I feel so sorry for her, I truly do. Not only has her life been a lie for so long, when she knew something was going on but he lied to her face the whole time & now he’s lied to her even more but she thinks he’s being so honest with her. What’s even more perplexing to me, is why I still want to be with the man! A liar…

He tells me that she keeps offering to have a 3sum with me… WTF! (As if I would ever fucking do that!) He tells me that he never told her we had one with Sweetie. Another fucking lie… He tells me that she just wants to compare herself to me… I mean I get that, I know what she looks like & honestly can see what the attraction to me was for him. She’s not ugly at all but without being a big head, I am more attractive & have a better body – however she has had 2 kids. She isn’t ugly though at all… She has lips I’d kill for. Hahaha.

He tells me that she also found my phone number on their iPad from the last time I saw Noodle, where he was asked to send a picture to her of him at the gym. We’d text each other to my work iPhone to see if the live picture thing worked with old photos, which it did. I’m android on my personal phone that was the only time he ever used my work number. He didn’t know that the text message would be on his iPad… Fuck, now I have to wait for her to message me on my fucking work phone! Jesus… I’m surprised she hasn’t done it already!

He tells me that “She’s been asking me all afternoon to meet up with you & ask for a 3sum tho.” OH WOW… She’s been asking him to meet me? Yet only a few weeks ago he was told not to see me or message me as part of the “conditions.” Now she’s willing to let him meet me?! I guess she doesn’t know that he was in love with me or how long it went on for, he’s lied about that… She just thinks we were sex & that Noodle was unhappy with their sex life. So right now, she’s doing everything she can to satisfy him in the bedroom… I tell him that we need to meet obviously to get my keys back, I don’t want him to drop them off because I don’t need her to be tracking his phone when he drops them off. I tell him that I will meet him. He says he won’t use the keys but he doesn’t want her to know where I live either. I agree that I know he won’t use the keys, I am not worried about that, I mean I want him to use the keys to come live with me, but since we’re over, I can’t have him keeping them because it’s doing my head in thinking about him rocking up. At least if he doesn’t have keys, he’ll have to message me at least to come over.

The next day, I have finally slept! A decent night sleep! Noodle chats to me again in the morning & asks if it’s made it better or worse for me, talking to him again. I tell him the truth, it is worse but also better (I’ve slept!). I hated being cut off & not knowing what was going on – as much as I don’t want to hear the answers, I’m kind of glad to get some answers. He tells me that it scares him to see me or talk to me because he’s still in love with me & never wanted to lose me as a friend. Which I agree, I stupidly want him as a friend too, I mean I still want him more than a friend, but right now, I need to still be talking to him because it’s not over for me. He tells me that he’s surprised I’m even chatting to him that he thought I would hate him & be over him… Well clearly he doesn’t know me at all, if he thinks that. His self esteem is either worse than I ever imagined or I loved him more than he loved me…

Noodle asks if anyone in the groups has said anything, I tell him that everyone was pretty good to me about it, supportive & some even thought we were actually a couple & didn’t realise we were having an affair. Even though we officially didn’t tell many people on the chat app, that we were seeing each other, people still worked it out. It wouldn’t be hard, we were in all the same groups & pretty much chatted at the same time. I tell him “Sweetie wanted to come to your work to talk to you… & also wanted to find your partner to tell her she fucked you.” That would just cause so much shit, but I secretly wish that that happened! I think she has a right to know, but I also don’t want to be the one to destroy his life.

Noodle tells me that he considered me his girlfriend… OMG, did I have a boyfriend? I didn’t even realise I did… He tells me that he loves us both, but wants me more – I can’t believe that right now, he says that he thinks about me more but he didn’t know what else to do but he tells me that he’s been holding me back for so long. Which again I don’t agree with!

I ask him about something that has been eating at me, why didn’t I ask more questions about his family… I won’t go into details because I respect Noodle (regardless of how he’s treated me!) but I get the details about the tragedy that rocked his family when he was really young & for some reason, I am so glad I asked… He makes more sense now why he doesn’t want to leave his kids full time. But also just so you all understand, the things that happened to Noodle are why he has serious self esteem issues & never thinks I am good enough for him.

I can’t help myself but spill the beans about the other stuff going on in my life, I tell him that I am upset because my godmother has just passed away & all I want from him is a hug to make me feel better. I have been away for work again, which sucks – because I’m fully alone, in the hotel thinking! He says that I always did struggle being away – but now it’s worse.

I don’t want to dwell on all this shit, so I just ask when I can meet him to get my keys, he asks if I want to just meet & get my keys or if I want to talk. I ask if he can meet me for his lunch break which he says he could probably come out for half an hour. I agree to meet up with him tomorrow at work!

FUCK. Am I ready to see him again? Can I see him again? Is this a big mistake? Should I even go though with this?!

#IBD4U

A reader has shared a couple of stories with me, she calls herself Tinderella. There are a couple of stories, so please enjoy her tales…

Thank god I am not alone in the crazy dating world. Thanks for sharing.

The Start

After leaving my ex husband in less than ideal circumstances and a near death experience that involved a colostomy bag sex was the last thing on my mind.

I hadn’t even bothered masturbating, I had never been any good at it – and I hadn’t bought any toys either. I was healed up and feeling myself again so it was mostly out of interest that I leaned across to my friend Di in a bar and as the only single woman there quizzed her on Tinder. In my mind Tinder was for hook-ups, I wasn’t interested in a relationship (or so I thought) I had the kids, a busy life and I decided the only thing missing was some consistent sex.

Setting up Tinder was the easy part, choose some decent photos from Facebook (be make sure to show your “size” I am not a small chick), and start swiping. I had a lot to learn in regard to Tinder language (although I considered myself not to be too naïve). We were driving home from the airport when I set it up, we had an hours drive in front of us and with my sister driving I entered the world of online dating for the first time.

The first “match” I made resulted in us screaming in laughter, I had a match. Before I could realise what I had done a message popped up “Hi”  (what an opening for a conversation, now a days she would expect more but back then I knew no better). “Hi” I replied. “Where do you live?” was his next question, I replied with my town and he told me he was an hour away.  Working out how to look at his profile made me thankful the conversation stopped there, there was a gaming chair in the background and I could not imagine dating someone who played console games! I had just turned 40 for goodness sake.

The next match made was Cedric. Now Cedric was a tall Nigerian man who lived in a town an hour away. He had his occupation listed as a pharmacist. The conversation was not thrilling, but a date was made for the next week for coffee, I needed to be in the city for a specialist appointment and I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.

Meeting Cedric at a coffee shop was both thrilling and bloody awkward! This was the first date I had been on in almost 20 years, I can usually make conversation with anyone but thankfully for me I did not have to do much talking. He was full of chat and came across as very self confident. In our chats on Tinder I got the usual “What are you looking for?” I had answered with something casual, at this point I thought I wanted sex only, but with one person. I had answered to that effect and he had replied that he was ok with a casual relationship. When sitting across from him at the coffee shop he leaned toward me and asked, “so you have been separated 2 years?”, I said yes, he asked “How do you take care of yourself?” of course I was shocked by the question. For starters we were sitting in a coffee shop on the riverbank and this man is asking me about my masturbation habits! I deliberately misunderstood and told him I kept myself very busy, the kids and my part time small business kept me occupied.

A sentence or two later, he tried again, “when you said you wanted casual…” At this point I was mortified. I felt like we stood out like a sore thumb, this big African man and myself sitting at the table in the coffee shop surrounded by friends catching up and families stopping after bike rides. I suggested we go for walk to talk. We set off on the walking track (why is it easier to talk when you walk? Is it because you don’t have to look at the person you are talking to?} As we walked along he grabbed my hand, you know how sometimes you can just feel someone’s intentions? I could tell he wanted to get closer to me but I didn’t know how to instigate anything, and we were in public!!!

After walking awkwardly for ten minutes or so with him holding my hand we sat down on a bench. Next minute he had his arm around me and was pulling me close. Now I feel like I need to explain myself a bit here: I hadn’t dated or been touched by a man in almost 2 ½ years, and it was nice, he had a strong arm, did not seem put off by my size at all (I’m still waiting for some douche to tell me I don’t look like my pictures) after some more awkward chit chat he asked if he could kiss me. Fuck, did he have to ask? I am a chronic over thinker and you should not give me the opportunity to think things like this over, regardless I agreed, then we are sitting on the bench by a walking track kissing. I was feeling very self conscious at this point, even more so when his hand went up to my breast. I pushed it down and told him very quickly we were in public and that needed to stop. After 20 minutes of kissing and conversation I needed to be on my way. We kissed goodbye at the car, much better than at the bench… Why is it men think sticking their tongue down your throat is such a great kissing move? I said my goodbyes and off we went.

Cedric sent me a text later telling me how much he had enjoyed meeting me and we made plans to get together the next weekend. Lots of things about him made me realise there would never be a proper relationship between the two of us – and that was fine. He was religious; I wasn’t. He lived an hour away from me, his work hours didn’t work within my life very well and he seemed tight with cash, I actually thought he might have been expecting me to pay for his coffee at the café, that wasn’t going to happen mate!

He had also told me while we were sitting on the park bench that there were some Australian women who only dated African men, he seemed to find that very interesting, he said he had mates who dated women that only dated African men. I am pretty sure I made sure that his ethnicity had nothing to do with my decision to have coffee with him. I had also been chatting to a man Ryan who lived much closer to me, we had arranged a date for Saturday night – he was a sex only hook up I had planned.

Cedric rang me twice that week, surprising me both times, he sounded lovely on the phone and we made a date for Saturday as well – suddenly I had two men booked in for the same day – different times of course!  I had plans to cancel one of them if the other worked out. My gut was telling me that it wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it too – I thought I would be let down by both – and a message from Cedric on Friday confirmed my suspicions. Just after Cedric’s message I messaged Ryan – “Still good for Saturday night?” His response confirmed by suspicions. He had just got out of hospital from a suspected mini heart attack and was feeling very tired. He promised to make it up to me soon.

Cedric’s car wasn’t working – to be honest I wasn’t surprised – it looked like a $500 bomb, and the car he was borrowing off a friend couldn’t be used on Saturday. I was having dinner with a friend when the messages were coming through. I asked her whether I should offer to pick him up – he lived an hour from me – I didn’t want to come across as desperate but I hadn’t had sex in over 2 years – he seemed like a sure thing!

I offered to collect him and he took me up on the offer, it shows how much I wanted some attention that I was out of bed at 7am on a Saturday morning and on my way to collect him – I love a good sleep in! I collected him from work and we headed back home, chatting awkwardly on the way. We arrived in my home town and went for a drive and walk along the beach – I thought he must have gone off me – he was not making any attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. I looked down at his socks in sandals and wondered what the fuck I was doing. Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

We made our way home. Came into the lounge room and things started to get quite weird! We sat next to each other on the couch and next second he is launching himself at me, kissing me hard. He leaned back, undid his belt and pulled his pants down. He looked at me and said “blow me”. Now having just come out of a marriage of a long time and not having “dated” in the last 20 years I was at a loss. What was I supposed to do? The pressure got the better of me, I looked him in the eye and said “you are going to be really good to me after this aren’t you?” I kneeled on the floor in front of him and sucked his cock for a few minutes. Its not something I particularly enjoy unless I am in the mood… I got up and suggested we go to my room, on the way out he slapped me on the backside, I was like “what?” He told me some women liked it rough. I was like which women? He told me his friends had told him that some women liked it rough.

We made it into my room and onto my bed where we were kissing and touching more he started to touch my breasts, squeezing them like they were avocados and he was checking for ripeness. I just went along with things giving him the benefit of the doubt. If need be I would take control of the situation. We were both naked and I was grinding my clit against his cock when he said to me “Am I inside you?” I was shocked, turns out he had lied about his age saying he was 38 when he was actually 32. Instantly I realised that if he was not a virgin he did not have much sexual experience at all. He suggested we just lie and “cuddle” for a bit.Now I am all for enthusiastic consent but I was feeling a bit led on at this stage. This man had met me, called me and knew exactly what I wanted SEX!!! We laid next to each other for the next hour or so with his arm around my shoulders, my hand would make its way down to his cock and he would tell me I was naughty and that he just wanted to “cuddle for a bit”.

I made the mistake of mentioning Netflix or the TV – I cant be sure which – he was very excited to hear I had a TV and wanted to go to the lounge room and watch it. I still had to get this guy back to his home town – an hour away. We went and watched tv for a couple of hours and then I suggested I could take him home earlier than we had planned if he had liked. He said yes – I had cracked the shits big time, I hadn’t offered him a drink or food in the time since he had left work and I wasn’t about to either! We drove back to his town in uncomfortable silence and I took him home to get his stuff ready for work. While he was inside I sent a quick text to the other guy I had lined up previously to see how he was feeling….

#IBD4U

 

For those wanting more Noodle posts, just be aware that he is sprinkled in a lot of the other blogs that I have coming up, as all the stories intertwine. Skipping one will probably confuse you if you just look out for Noodle specific blogs. My advice, is don’t skip over any blogs, because if you want to hear about Noodle, he’s everywhere. Plus lets also find out how my story ends! Hahaha… It can’t get any worse, can it?

What a surprise that Noodle didn’t like Fireman, Noodle was so adamant to our little clique group that he wasn’t a fireman at all. Trying to show us evidence that he wasn’t a fireman – well technically he wasn’t, he was a volunteer with the CFS & was trying to get into the MFS. Fine, good on him, not a lie, but Noodle wouldn’t let it go…. You can probably guess why he was making a fuss – yes because fireman was showing interest in me in the group! Another guy I need to stroke Noodle’s ego about – Great!

I don’t private messaged Fireman for ages, not only because I know that Noodle would act like a douche to him – more than he already did but also because I didn’t want to chat to other people outside of the groups. But when I was in Kangaroo Island, I had that fight with Noodle about his flippant spending & he as at the Limp Bizket concert, I started chatting to Fireman. He was cuteish & seemed like a really decent guy, also single. We were just chatting, wasn’t daily but was most days, I always made him make the effort to be honest to chat to me.

Only 2 weeks after ending with Noodle & during his first lot of radio silence Fireman asked me to catch up with him for a coffee. I didn’t have to tell him about the breakup, he already knew & was basically the only guy pulling me though right now. I still have J-Lo to talk too but he didn’t really ever seen Noodle in action in the groups. Fireman saw what Noodle was like to other guys, including himself. He also saw the message about fucking the shit out of me too…

During one day at work, I was in the same area as Fireman, we were chatting while at work & he says that we should meet, I’m reluctant to meet him, things are still semi unresolved with Noodle, but he’s moving on, so fuck it, I need to move on too!

I meet Fireman for a coffee during our lunch breaks which seemed to align – I’m not eating still & know I look like shit, a few people have told me I’ve lost too much weight (I wish that were true!) but I always lose it first in my face – why is that when I have a gut to lose, that I lose it from my face first & get told I look to skinny! I wish!

I feel bad about meeting this guy who is seemingly decent, has been super understanding about my situation & I’m fucking using him to get over Noodle. But this guy also knows the whole story as he’s been in the groups long enough to know the gossip. Fuck the gossip is hilarious on this app… Better than Days of Our Lives. Hahaha.

I see him walking over to me in the café, he’s very tall, taller than I was expecting, he’s more Noodle’s height with a almost shaved head, he’s pretty much exactly like his pictures he’s sent. He’s cute, has a cute smile & we hug & kiss on the cheek hello, he pays for my lactose free hot chocolate – the only thing I can stomach right now & even then it it’s a struggle to have anything in my tummy at the moment.

He seems really lovely in real life, we chat easily, again it’s a lot about Noodle, which I can’t help – he asks & you can tell by my face that I am fucking heartbroken. He’s just split from his ex of a few years & has a young daughter with her which is one of the reasons they stayed together for so long. He’s been living with his ex & daughter but in a separate room, which has been hard for him but they decided to keep their daughters life as normal as they can by living together & it seemed to be working for them.

I talk mostly about Noodle again, I can’t even believe that Fireman messages me later that night & asks what I’m doing. Because I’ve lost so much weight in the last few weeks, I need new jeans, so I tell him that I’m heading to the shops to buy new jeans & he says if I want company then he’s free. I think this is a little weird but I agree that he can come jean shopping with me. I mean I was just going to go to the shops & go home. But he meets me at the shops & we go into my favourite jean shop.

Stupidly I start trying on jeans 2 sizes too big, not realising that I am now a size 12 at Jeanswest! I end up buying 2 pairs of jeans & help him pick out 2 pairs, the woman also asks us if we want to share a change room, my thoughts wander because if this was Noodle, I’d totally say yes & fuck him in the change room sneakily… But this is a semi random guy, I’ve only met him for the first time for coffee today, although we’ve been chatting a while now. So we both decline, with an awkward giggle – I think he’s thinking the same thing as me, if our relationship was further along, then we probably would go into the same change room but we don’t & finalise our purchases.

Walking out awkwardly, I realise we’ve been here about 30 minutes & he drove about an hour to get here. I suggest something else, asking if he wants to go to a movie which he says yes too. We go to the movies & the head our separate ways.

The next time I see Fireman is the night after Dom & I fucked… I didn’t want Fireman to be my rebound, but I needed to fuck someone else. I figure that tonight I will probably have sex with Fireman as I am going to his house after a drink with a girl friend. He’s just moved into a new house separate from his ex-partner & has been busy setting up the house which is why I haven’t seen him, it’s totally fine, I am not bothered. His house is in a new estate which is all those houses really close together that all look the same, it’s a long skinny 2 story town house. Brand new & looks good. We sit on the couch with a beer & he puts on a movie. We watch a movie & he lets me cuddle into him on the couch, I’m wearing my new jeans & so is he. My top slides up a bit so he is able to tickle my hip as we cuddle on the couch. We watch a second movie too & I realise that it’s getting late that I leave. As I’m saying goodbye at the door, I lean in to hug him & he kisses me goodbye. We kiss for a while & he isn’t that great of a kisser but I think because I am comparing him to Noodle.

He messages me to tell me that he wishes he kissed me earlier & that I stayed. But being that this guy lives an hour & a half away from me & it’s 1:30 am & I have to be at the Psychic Fair with my friend in the morning, I decide to leave, he messages me on the way home to tell me to message him when I get home. Awww how sweet!

#IBD4U

One of the first things that everyone says post break up is NOT go to psychic, I even read a breakup book a good work friend gave me that said under no circumstances should you see a psychic post break up.

This I would probably agree with. I can imagine that many psychics tell you what you want to hear… What do I want to hear? That Noodle is going to come back to me. He’s going to realise his mistake & come to me. Do I want to hear that? Do I even want that? He’s hurt me in so many ways that I can’t even think about how pathetic I’d be if he did come crawling back & if I allowed that. Would I be strong enough to refuse him?

However I didn’t want to know the usual thing about love that women probably want to hear, that he will come crawling back to me… I don’t want to know that, I am sure that Noodle will come back to me without a doubt. I am just not sure when he will or for how long or even in what format, but it’s something I know. Something I feel. I know that’s going to happen. Our story isn’t over. I can feel that. Have you ever had that feeling? With Boyfriend, I knew it was the end, I didn’t want to give it up because I was comfortable with him but I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t the one for me. Now I’m not sure if Noodle is the one, I’m not even sure I believe in the one, but I know that this is not the end with Noodle.

I ask a friend if she wants to go to psychic fair with me, I’ve never been before but I want to go, I’m not sure why or what I want to know but I want to go & so does my friend. There is some weird pull for me about this too… It’s like I need to go.

The morning of the psychic fair Noodle fucking messages me on my fetlife account which is just a kinky facebook. Why the fuck does he choose times like this! I hate his timing sometimes. “You finally fucked anyone else yet? You’ll so well now that I’m not holding you back, & you know damn well your a sexy bitch.” I think he’s trying to tell me that I should know by now that he was holding me back. I hate that he thinks I need kink to be happy. I enjoy kink, I like kink, I obviously like rough sex but I don’t have to have it.. Fucking hell this man messes with my head! I don’t ever write back to the fetlife message.

I ask my friend how to choose a psychic that I want to do a reading for me & she said I should be drawn to someone, so to speak. We walk around & I see this woman sitting by herself & I tell my friend that I want to see her for a reading.

I sit with her I honestly think this is a bit of bullshit, what am I even doing here, what do I even want to know to be honest?! Until this woman says to me “I know you’ve just changed from weights to cardio & this is a good decision.” WHAT THE FUCK… That’s so specific… But also this freaks me out a little because it is literally what my naturopath had told me to do only 2 nights earlier when I saw her! Trust me, I never would have expected the psychic to be so specific. After that I relaxed with her. I honestly wish I recorded it, because I forget some of the things she actually said to me.

She tells me that I will have 2 ex’s & they will come back into my life & I need to hang up the phone & ignore them. HANG UP THE PHONE! She tells me this several times, looking me right in the eye when she does telling me to tell them they’ve got the wrong number. Yeah I know this is correct, but will I be strong enough?

She also asks me who is T**y. (I can’t write the actual name because it might be significant in my blog one day!) I am like I don’t know any T**y but she tells me that I will meet a T**y next year before my birthday, which I guess is like 18 months away at this point. T**y, he will apparently already have a child – this I am happy about… I will probably meet him though my work, but it will be ok to date him, it won’t need to be a secret. She says that we’ll be happy & that I’ll also be working for myself… (Interestingly 18 months later, I don’t work for myself… I write this blog, but don’t get paid for it!) Finally a man that won’t be a secret! I can’t wait for that day!

I talk to my friend about the fact Noodle hadn’t talked to me expect his stupid message this morning on fetlife that I didn’t reply too. I also want my key back – I need it back for my sanity. She suggests I just go to his work today & get it. I change at home & head confidently to his work, walking around the store trying to find him. I didn’t see his car but hoping that he’s there since I worked up the courage. I ask at the front desk but he’s not at work today… FUCK.

Now after the psychic fair, now every time I see a T**y on any app I’m on, when on tinder or even facebook or in real life, where ever I am, I look at them wondering if they’ll be the T**y I’m supposed to meet & be with… One even adds me on Facebook when I’m in a singles group & I think fuck this could be my guy, however I’m not attracted to him at all & I ignore him.

This name seems to pop up a lot over the next 18 months that I am looking for someone & I can’t believe that none of them I am attracted too. Where is he??

#IBD4U

The 2 weeks following my break up with Noodle are a blur… Like I said I am not functioning, I am constantly thinking about him, about her. I am not having sex (yeah so unlike me!) I am not eating, I am fucking devastated… I have resisted the urge to email him, to text him, to call him, to go see him… I don’t know how I have resisted, but I have… I must fucking love him to be able to stay out of his life for this long without trying to make contact… Not wanting to complicate things for him… Not wanting to ruin his life even more than we have.

However within in the last 2 weeks, I have lost a lot of weight, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I’ve been going to the gym as that’s the only time I don’t think about him… Actually that’s a lie, I don’t fucking stop thinking about him at the gym either. I never stop.

Noodle still has my house keys, so I stupidly hear a car pull up & think it’s him. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing noises, thinking it’s Noodle sneaking into my house, like he’d done before to fuck me, only this time he’ll be here forever! My hopes are always dashed… Noodle never rocks up at my house. Noodle never uses that key… I need to get it back! I am going insane thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need it back…

I decide to email him. I antagonise about what to say, I spend a few days writing it… (I was going to post the whole email in this blog, but I have decided that it’s too personal. Weidly being you know eveything about me. Hahaha.) I actually pour my heart out to this guy, telling him that I don’t write to change his mind but that I want him to know some things that have been bothering me. I apologise for being so irrational in our final moments, I snapped & told him he was a fuckwit, yet next minute I was begging him to be with me. That was fucking dumb. I tell him about the fantasies I had about marrying him, living with him & waking up next to him everyday. I tell him that even though I never told him that much, I did think about a future with him, a future I could only dream of.

I call him out for lying to her still & trivialising what we had by saying it was only 3 months. That fucking hurts me, but he’s always been honest with me, so he was telling me that to be honest, not to hurt me. But it makes me feel so insignificant. How can this man have loved me like I loved him if he is willing to just act like he didn’t love me to someone else?!

I sign off

“Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for unleashing my inner sexual goddess (as you used to say).

Thank you for looking at me like I am the sexiset thing you’ve ever seen & making me feel so sexy.

Thank you for teaching me to love.

Thank you for loving me.

While I don’t think our story is over, it’s with a very heavy heart, I hearby end the Noodle vs #IBD4U Agreement 2018.

I love you.”

I don’t expect a reply, I don’t even know if he’s looking at the cheating email anymore… But I feel good for getting it all off my chest. I have out it all out there, I have bared my heart & soul to this man & like I said, it’s not because I want him to change his mind, but I need him to know. I know he’s probably sitting there thinking he is not good enough for me, that he is not that great. But I need him to know what I think of him, without him being able to rebuff what I say. An email is the perfect way for that.

I am going nuts though, when I don’t get a reply a few days later, so I finally snap & send him an actual text to his phone, when I know he is at work & can delete it. “I’m going crazy not talking… Can you please find a way?”

A few days later, he emails me & tells me that he’ll reply when he can & that he’ll put the chat app on his phone over the weekend at work to chat to me. I am finally relieved, that I may get some answers, be able to tell him some things.

When he finally does return to the chat app, his profile picture is a black dot. I ask him what that’s all about about he says that he’s scared his partner is going to go on the chat app. He tells me that he told her we met at the gym so she doesn’t know he was on the chat app. I explain that she’s more likely to call me on my work number than try to find me on the chat app. Surely?! “Umm guys have allready asked her if she’s on the chat app” Guys?! What the fuck? Guys? What guys?! I ask what he means & he is WAY too honest with me “Kinda in an open now… Guys from a site.” WHAT?! He tells me that he’s given her permission to see some guy tonight. My stomach heaves! A fucking open relationship!? Is he fucking kidding me! “Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me anymore…” Tears start rolling down my face… “Sorry but yeah, the reason why I have no pfp” I can’t help myself, I am a true masochist. “So you’re going to start seeing other women now?” I am still madly in love with this man, spilled my guts out in an email, which he didn’t respond too as such yet & he’s going to be fucking other women while his partner is out fucking other men? Only a few weeks ago she’d not even ever cum with him! Now they’re in a open relationship?! OMG… I can’t even cope! This is fucked… I am gutted.. I am shattered… “That’s the goal. Maybe you too again. Was hoping to see you again.” Really Noodle?! He then proceeds to tell me that she’s just sent him a picture of her sucking a guys dick, she even tells Noodle that his cock is a decent size & he believes her… I used to have to reassure him about his cock size all the fucking time, now she sees one dude & he believes her about his cock?! This is fucked up… This is fucking killing me… I can barely see from the tears streaming down my face. I am heart broken & he’s getting dick sucking pictures from his partner. OMG… He tells me she found a dude on a site & is with him right now. He says that’s its really quick & surprised him heaps. I can’t help but hide that I am shattered by this “I just hope you’re not so quick to find someone on a site.” I can’t even cope with this right now. “I want you, you twat. That’s why I’m trying for an open relationship.” Does he think that I can see him again? Or be happy being the second priority again? I stupidly ask him if she’s cum with him yet & when he says no comment, I can’t stop myself. He tells me that she’s a proper squirter (which I said at the fucking beginning…) He tells me that she’s let’s him cum on her face & loves it. He tells me that he can degrade me more though but she’s asked him to choke her when he gets home from work tonight! It’s Tuesday night, our usual night… FUCK… I cannot believe this! I curse the fact that we have a fucking honest friendship… I hate that he’s not sparing my feelings at all, but also sort of thankful that he is telling me what is going on, because it’s dashing all my hopes that they will break up & I will be with him.

He tells me she’s asked to buy lingerie but he tells me that my body is better than hers. She was so jealous that I orgasmed with him, which is why she now cums for him all the time… It was apparently the first thing she asked about our affair, if I came or not. He’s being way too honest, tells me he tried to fuck her ass but it’s too tight so they’re going to buy some butt plugs & that she’s rimmed him. FUCK!

He logs off & I am now driving my car to my sisters howling, I can’t even deal with this right now. I rock up on her door step without any messages or warning. Her husband opens the door & tkes one look at me & worriedly says my sisters name in a way that makes her jump out of her couch. The kids look at me like I’m a fucking nut case rocking up at their door unable to control my crying… I feel like a fucking wanker. I have not been online, not been chatting, not having sex because I am so fucking sad, so heartbroken about this fucking ending & here’s Noodle trolling online for a fucking open relationship. He can not love me the same way as I loved him… My sister is amazing though, I am forever thankful for her just listening to my sobs as my stomach heaves. I feel bad for her having to explain to her 5 year old why his aunty rocked up at their door howling.

I don’t sleep.

I don’t eat.

I cannot stop thinking about them fucking.

My heart is breaking all over again. I know those who were against this say I am getting what a deserved. But this is beyond what I deserve… I hate how honest he is. He’s a fucking prick to me right now. OMG, you cannot understand the pain I am in right now from these revelations!

The next morning at 6:30 am, I’ve barely slept a wink when I hear the tell tale sound of the vibrations of the chat app. I pick it up & see Noodle has messaged me “Morning. Sorry from now on I won’t talk about my sex life. Kinda was a douche without realizing” Well at least he realises that. I tell him that I haven’t slept a wink “I was holding out hope things were shit for you. Now I realise they’re not, I wish I never sent you that email… Feel like a fool.” I fucking wish I could turn back time right now… FUCKING HELL, what a wanker! “Your not a fool… I’m super proud of the things I did for you. I had similar fantasies. Just yeah the kids were the x factor. Things have been rocky. Trust me.” I can’t even believe that he’s saying these things sometimes… “I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying, not sleeping, not eating & speaking to a psychologist cos I’m not ok , but things have been rocky but you’re getting everything you wanted… So yeah I’m a fool…” An epic fool!

I’m waiting for Noodle to reply when I get a couple of messages from other people on the chat app. I am too invested in what Noodle is saying to me that I almost don’t check them. However there is a screenshot of something Noodle has said in a group I’m not in. “Yeah if you turds didn’t work it out, I was fucking the shit out of #IBD4U. Seems common knowledge on the chat app now.” Someone sticks up for me in the group which I appreciate… “I will always be a dick & a prick… & If you guys were wondering, it was my cum on her face.” I read the screenshots, sent to me by several people in that group & kind of laugh… WHAT A FUCKING COCK FACE… I know he’s done it because he was dying to tell everyone on the chat app that he was fucking me. I mean I wanted to tell everyone too but I never would disrespect him like that… I ask him if he’s trying to hurt me. He said it wasn’t supposed to hurt me & then says “Wow that got back to you quick” I think Noodle forgets that I’m in about 20 or so of the groups, I own about 10 of them. People are loyal to me on there & he’s probably only been tolerated for as long as he has because of me… You know, cool by association. He was always a dick to everyone that there was a great divide on the app because of him. I tell him I got several copies of a screenshot from different people. “Haha Wow. It felt good to say it. Wanted to for a long time. I was fucking you…” I tell him that I never stopped him & he’s a fucking idiot for saying it now after telling me his partner is being asked for her chat app account. Won’t be long & she’ll be on there, that will be the end of him if she meets the wrong people on there… “I’m not proud of hurting you. I’m not proud of upsetting you. Or how things have ended. But I’m proud to have made you love. & to feel loved. Something you had never felt. Your an amazing woman.” Oh fuck off.

I tell Noodle that I haven’t fucked anyone else & I am not going to wait around for him to be in a fully open relationship to see me again when he says “I actual assumed you would of fucked other people by now. You have no issues getting offers. Guess you have even surprised me how much you felt for me. You were more than a FWB to me. I now consider you an ex GF… not a FWB” Fuck is he now my ex boyfriend…?! I remind him that he never believed me & never realised how deep my feelings were for him. I mean that’s partly my fault, I never fucking said it to him. But he tells me that holding his daughter the night it went down, she is only a few weeks old, that he couldn’t leave. I tell him that I love him & he tells me we had an online relationship, but he liked what we had & got jealous because he didn’t want to share me… This doesn’t make sense to me why he’s willing to share his partner now?! I tell him that it was more than an online relationship for me. He asks “Why didn’t we ever discuss this?” I don’t know why “Because I didn’t know you felt that way” He replies as I’m waiting to see my psychologist (who is the world’s biggest square, I swear he’s getting off on my story! Hahaha) “We definitely should of discussed some stuff.” Yeah I agree “I didn’t know you felt that way that we were only online. I tried to do more things I suggested kayaking, movies, gym, shopping & I was so pissed I was away for the limp bizket concert. We had so little time together. But we had started hanging out more… I never considered you an online relationship. Never realised that’s all you thought of me.” My message sits at unread… “I even thought about how we could still use the chat app if we were in a relationship for all the cheeky messages.” Why am I still trying to entice this man to be with me? He logs off & never logs back in… Not this old chestnut.

I go insane, not thinking they are breaking up now but thinking about their epic sex – anal, cum & 3sums. I mean what the fuck does he need me for now?!

I actually feel my broken heart crack into more pieces.

#IBD4U

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

• It was just sex
• It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
• I didn’t mean to hurt you
• I’m not in love with her, I love you
• It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
• It’s over – I won’t see her again
• I made a mistake
• I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, “Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.

#IBD4U

My euphoria is short lived. Noodle obviously has to go home to his real life & my fantasy life is over. I drive home in a sex haze bliss though, I am definitely in this for another year. I’m sure he’ll leave once the baby is a bit older. I can’t even believe I am telling myself this to be honest, as if he’s ever going to leave but I somehow convince myself to believe it – my friend believes it, I should too. I am going to make this work, I love this man, I want to make it work. I want this man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before & this happens to be the only way I can have him right now, so I am willing to compromise for a little bit longer. I now have the support of my friend so no matter what happens, I have support…

However Noodle is at it again, not coming back online at night, taking over 12 hours to reply to me, reading my messages but then not replying. I am gutted. I am shattered. Can I do this for another year? I mean when he goes back to work he’ll be able to message more & I won’t feel so neglected or foolish. But I just have to get through these next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but I really just have to wait till he’s back at work!

But when he does come back online one night, we’re talking to each other in a tone, I’m upset, I feel like I have every right to be upset that he hasn’t been putting in the effort. Maybe I’m being crazy maybe I’m being too needy or have unrealistic expectations but I feel like that this guy can message me more than he is & that he doesn’t just “fall asleep” when we say good night tonight, all I write is GN. I am done with this.

The next morning he says “Morning if you care” OMG is he serious? “Morning if YOU care!” Really?! “I do care. Surprised you didn’t say GM to me” Yeah right Noodle. “What’s wrong with GN. At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going to sleep” Fuck I hate being in this mood. We constantly fight over the fact that he never chats to me at night anymore or says good night – he doesn’t even say heart emoji you anymore. I mean not this old chest nut again!? I can’t help it. I am staying awake till after midnight every night waiting for him to come back online & he never does. Then I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for him to come back online, then when he doesn’t, I feel like the idiot, then wake up grumpy from lack of sleep. Nothing changes for him though of course, he doesn’t even know that I am lying there awake waiting. Hoping he’ll tell me that he’s at the gym so I can come visit or even just to fucking talk to me about my day… I tell him again that I don’t want to be an obligation but I am sick of this shit… But when Noodle says “I’d kiss you right now if I could” I melt like a wanker & remember to tell him that it’s exactly a year since we met face to face, so about 14 months since we started chatting every day. I tell him that he missed getting me a present for our anniversary so he says “Happy Anniversary babe xxx” I literally start laughing – as if he thinks he’s not funny ”You’re an idiot” with a smiley face “Come on you smirked tho hehe” of course I did, he always makes me laugh “Happy anniversary of when we met too bacon bits xxx” I’m not sure why I’m calling him bacon bits being that’s his favourite thing, not mine. “Bacon bits? I’m left over bacon?” I literally start laughing “There’s no such thing as left over bacon. Bacon is too delicious to be left over. Bacon is your fav food right?” I’m pretty sure bacon is a favourite of his. “I love burgers & lasagne & ribs. Ribs would be my fav probably. Bacon is pretty damn good tho. Your my bacon” With a love heart emoji. I love when we are like this, it’s fucking cute as fuck. “Anyway, I’m off, have fun with your family xxx” OMG… “OMG you’re actually saying goodbye. Have a good day xxx” That was unexpected. Finally a proper goodbye, not just a log off & radio silence “Well think it might help if I do. I do still love you & all. But I’ll shhh now. Sometimes don’t get the op to say it.” Which I need to remember what he’s told me before that he doesn’t say goodbye sometimes so that he can chat to me as long as he can. However it will be better if he does try to make an effort & say goodbye to me. I hope that he does do this moving forward & considers my feelings more. I mean he doesn’t say goodbye so he can chat to me as long as he can, but what he doesn’t realise is that we’re in the middle on a conversation & he disappears… Leaving me feeling like a dickhead. But for him, he has messaged me literally till the last second he can. Things are still a little tense – I don’t know when there will be a time that we are back to normal, but we talk better than we have in a while & it feels good again, when he’s saying good bye & he adds “I hate saying bye to you xx” that I can’t even be angry when he says stuff like that to me, I love it. I’m glad he’s making an effort for me. I really appreciate it & it really shows me that he loves me, that he’s willing to adapt for me when I tell him how I’m feeling.

It’s been a week since we saw each other, since one of the hottest nights of my life with the body stocking, it’s Monday night again. I am in a mood as usual with Noodle that even though I am meeting him at the gym, I am in a funk. This funk is because I haven’t had sex in a week, I get grumpy as fuck when I don’t get sex weekly. (This is something he knows too, if we got a few days, I get too grumpy & he’ll say something about me needing to be fucked) But as I sit on his lap, kissing him, rubbing myself against him, he looks at his watch & says “Fuck” to which I think, what the fuck, he doesn’t push me off him but I realise something is up & sit back on the backseat… He says that she’s just asked him where he is, which he writes back the gym but then she asks for a picture of him, that his location is off & she wants a picture now. I ask him if he wants me to go home which he says no as he gets out of the car, seemingly flustered, so I sit there like a fucking idiot. He races inside & I assume he takes a picture, sending it to her. He gets back in the backseat & I ask why his location is off, he says because he was watching something from America & forgot to turn it back on. He says he smoothed it over with her & she believed him. I mean technically he is at the gym – so not a lie. I say that it’s lucky that his phone wasn’t just at the gym & he at my house like has happened sometimes. We have sex & I can’t stop thinking about the messages & the fact he had to go take a picture & to be honest, the fact that he would drop everything to take a picture & I don’t think that I will be able to cum. But of course, it’s sex with Noodle. I cum but I feel this weird feeling, a feeling I can’t shake as I drive off that night… Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve experienced him first hand, being so whipped… He’s just a strong personality most of the time, especially in the groups that I almost feel like I don’t know who this man is, who ran inside to take a photo in the gym bathroom…

Later that week, I suggest he send a picture to my work iPhone to test the live picture thing. We work out that as long as the picture was taken live, it has that live symbol on it. So I suggest that Noodle take a bunch of picture at the gym so he has a range of pictures in his phone in case that happens again & he’s not actually at the gym.

On Friday night I am out with friends from the gym, I look cute again & wearing some sexy underwear thinking that I am already halfway to his gym being the location of the restaurant we’re at & I’m betting that he’ll message tonight to see me. I don’t know why I get my hopes up about seeing him, but I do… I never hear from him, what a fucking surprise…. But I wake up really early to a message from him at like 2:00 am, saying that his partner knows about us. FUUUUUCCCKKKK!! I write back instantly, sitting straight up in bed, I ask him what happened & say that he can come to my house anytime that he has a key. I don’t sleep well but I lay in bed waiting for Noodle to message again… Which isn’t till like 10:00 am… I read it instantly “Morning. Fuck #IBD4U. I don’t know what to do. I wanna leave my wife bad but I love my kids so much. My little girl means so much to me than I thought she would. And my son. FML. But I want you just as bad.” FUCK! He’s going to stay, I need to prepare for this!

We talk for a short time, I ask how she knows, he tells me that she found my panties (FUCK what a way to find out your partner is having an affair, by finding another woman’s panties somewhere! FUCK!!!) & she now knows about me, there was no way he could deny that he is having an affair with that type of evidence. FUCK! I want more information but this isn’t the right time to ask him this stuff, I’m sure we’ll talk more but right now for him it’s too raw. He tells me that she’s threatened to take the kids interstate (which was already something she’s threatened when I was hypothetical) & he has no money to legally fight her… I send him screenshots from legal aid website to show that she can’t just take the kids to interstate, to where her parents are moving. I also try to explain how much I love him & how much I want to help him. He just keeps saying that he’s in so much debt & he doesn’t want to be a burden for me. That he loves me but he knows I don’t want kids so I don’t want his kids, which is not what I’ve ever said. I want this man, regardless of his debt, regardless of his kids… I want him, all of him, all of his baggage.

He logs off the app & I wait…

& wait…

& wait…

& wait…

#IBD4U