Tag: IBD4U

After the gym today, some may say that I have a moment of insanity, maybe it’s because he said he was going to kiss me, but I say “Well, I could meet you for lunch today”  FUCK… My plans have changed & I want to get this out of the way… We want to meet, so just fucking do it, I can’t message him any longer without seeing him again. I have to see him, I want to see him, he wants to see me. He replies “Haha, I say I’m going to kiss you and suddenly your free for lunch.” He says that he’s keen for lunch today, if I am too. He says to meet him at 12:00 pm at Hungry Jacks (fucking HJ’s) & with that, I speedily get ready – not caring as much today what I look like & I am in the car driving the old route to his work…

I shake as I drive past his work, thinking that I might see him walking to his car & that might settle me, I am early, because that the stupid shit I do – I hate people who are late – but I can ever run late. I see him drive into the car park as I’m sitting in the car & then walking into the Hungry Jacks with a piece of paper in his hand & his keys. He looks the same as I remember, his shirt looks about 20 sizes too big – but he looks the same. I am wearing a short denim dress that’s button up the front, with long sleeves, I’m wearing cute brown sandals, my hair has fallen perfectly, my makeup is subtle & just right, I feel good. I get out the car as he’s walking past & he sees me. FUCK. He turns to come over towards my car, I am shaking like a leaf – I haven’t seen him for over a year. He looks the same, yet somehow different. He’s tall & I have to stand on my tippy toes & he has to bend to hug & kiss me. We have a lingering hug – the type of hug that makes you feel like you’re home & a kiss on the lips hello, before walking into HJ’s. He tries to get me to order something, but I don’t & can’t eat. It smells gross to me right now. There are too many stressors in my life to be eating. We sit down at a table & he scoffs his meal, we chat semi awkwardly.

I feel it – FUCK, I  feel it… That chemistry, that crackle between us. It was there when we first met, those are the exact words I said over two years ago. It was there every time I saw this man, it never went away. It’s there now, I feel so alive when I’m with him, all my senses are heightened – his smell, how he looks & his touch… Every fibre of my being wants this man. Whether that is right or wrong, I want him. whether he is going to be with me ever, I still want him.  I can feel how much he wants me too, I am certain that I’ve made his cock twitch, if it’s not entirely hard, I know he’s aroused, just by being in my presence…

He shows me the pieces of paper he’s brought along with him, I can’t help but think for an instant that it’s a NDA like Christian Grey. Hahaha. But he’d told me he just had his redundancy meeting & this is his offer. He asks my opinion, if I think he should take it & I say that he should find his passion, how often do we get that chance in life to get a pay out & find what we love doing? If I was ever made redundant, I’d take it for sure.

Silverlining shoves a chip at my mouth & I say that I can’t eat it but he forces me to eat this one chip. He has a sad look in his eyes, begging me to look after myself, that I eat the chip & he smiles. He fidgets with his piece of paper, folding it & unfolding it, trying not to look me in the eyes, knowing that our eyes are a dead give away to each other. I fight with my keys on the table, wanting so badly to reach across the table & hold his hand, I come close to touching his hand, but I chicken out. I can see in his eyes what he’s feeling, so when we do lock eyes, they meet & without words, I know everything I need to know about him. He loves me & I can tell that he is genuinely torn. I know that he says he loves his partner, but there is no way that he looks at her the way he looks at me. I can tell… There are some things you can’t fake. He’s shaking too, I can tell, when he holds the papers, the way he talks, the way he’s acting, I know he’s nervous & this is just as hard for him as it is for me. I can see in his eyes that his is torn, I know he wants this with me, I can feel it, I can see it. But I can also see the anguish of not wanting to leave his family unit either… I can honestly, for the first time, see the absolute struggle he is having between what he thinks he should do & what he wants to do. I saw the struggle the day he was at my house, but that isn’t the same as what I’m seeing now. That day it was too raw & with her messing with his head, he was unsure about what to do, but now in this moment, I can see the hurt & pain he is in being here with me.

Then suddenly a dude appears & Silverlining looks up at him, who is sort of hovering over our table, over the partition while waiting for his food. I just think it’s a weirdo in HJ’s when Silverlining says ‘hey man’ & they ask each other how they are. I just think nothing of it so turn away thinking it’s either a customer from Silverlining’s work or just a random hey between guys who made eye contact – though I didn’t think that Silverlining would be the type to do that. When the guy says bye as he’s walking out & Silverling says see ya man or something, I look up at Silverlining & there is a freaked out look on his face. “FUCK that was my sisters fiancé” Oh now he uses the word fiancé?! WTF.  Fuck me sideways…. I seriously cannot believe that we’ve just been sprung! I ask if he’ll say anything & he says probably to his sister but she won’t say anything to his partner apparently. Well fuck. I am fucked if his partner finds out that he’s had lunch with me! Jesus, of all the places for us to get spotted, I never thought it would be at Hj’s… He doesn’t seem as worried about it as me…

As we sit there chatting about his redundancy & how shit things are for me at work, I am still playing with his keys, wanting so badly to reach out & touch his hands, which are so close to me. He’s fidgeting with the paper still, that I feel like he wants to touch him too, but he’s holding back. We always hold back with each other. However, I fucking can’t bring myself to do it. This is a man who has been intimate with me on so many levels, seen every part of me physically, yet I can’t reach out & touch his hand. What if he pulls away because he realises that this is a mistake, meeting me again? Seeing me again? I always struggle with affection, I know I’ve done it with other men too, but this guy is different, isn’t he? Why can’t I touch him? I guess it’s lucky I didn’t because how would he explain that to his brother-in-law-to-be?

When he looks me dead in the eye, I almost know what’s coming, our time is almost up, he has to go back to work & so he says “Is there anything you want to say to me?” I know what he is referring too, I know what he wants me to say. He’s always said it first, he said it in message first when we admitted it finally, he said it first in real life when he was at my house & he’s admitted who he was first when we were strangers & that he still loved me first this time, I know he wants me to say that I love him first now that we’re face to face… It’s something he knows I struggle with & to be honest, I probably would wait for him to say it if he didn’t prompt me like this. But I need to do this too, I should have already said it, it was my regret, why haven’t I said it yet? I can’t joke about this, I can’t be a dick about it either, this is my time to tell him what I am feeling, what I feel, my big regret can be reversed here. I shouldn’t need to be prompted but I am going to do it. I look him in the eye, he’s looking at me wanting to hear it just as much as I want to say it, I can see that in his eyes, he needs to hear it from me, probably more than I need to say it “I love you Silverlining” he smiles as it washes over him, a look in his eye that I know he feels it, he doesn’t say it back so I say “Is there anything you want to say to me?” & laugh & he says “I love you #IBD4U” OH FUCK. There is nothing I like more than saying this to him, to his face, to rectify things I regretted before. Despite what you all think of him, if I am doing the wrong thing, but I love him & there is nothing I can do to change that right now.

#IBD4U

I literally am in a daze. I have just been bailed on for meeting the man that I am still in love with for lunch. How fucking stupid do I feel!?

Over the course of the next hour, I do not look at the app. I don’t get notifications from it either, so I try to do something to keep busy. When I see his name pop up as he’s sent me an email. The title says “Photo in hospital to prove I’m not lying.” & the body of the email contains a photo of her arm in bed & part of the hospital room & he writes “I deleted the app as I do regularly and it won’t Let me send a pic … I didn’t lie or mean to hurt you today …” I stare at it for ages. I notice the date on the whiteboard, it’s today’s date. It kind of fucks me off that he thinks I would imply that he’s lying to me. I check the app & see several messages from him too “I really didn’t mean to make you feel stupid or not go through with I swear to god. She’s knocked out on morphine right now and I’m bored outta my brains. I sent you a pic of hospital as proof as I’m lame haha. And I feel so bad for letting you down. To your email cos the app won’t let me” I don’t reply for ages. I can’t. I am hurt, I know it’s not his fault but I am feeling so foolish… Why did I even think meeting him was a good idea… When has anything ever gone my way with this man?!

Despite all your advice that you give me on Facebook, trust me if you were telling me this story, I would tell you to run a mile too – walk away. But somehow I can’t help myself. He tugs at my heart strings & I can’t help but be drawn back in. I write to his app messages & his email on the app snapping “I never said you were lying” I know that if he’s made plans to see me & he changed his mind, that he would just tell me that it’s not a good idea, he wouldn’t make up a story that I could easily verify just by walking into her work. It takes all of my effort not to write more, but I am upset, I am not angry, I am just numb & hurt by this. He tells me that being at the hospital is the last place he wants to be, he hates them & he’s worried that his ‘crazy ass random event’ happens at the exact same times he’s supposed to meet me, he thinks it looks suss… Well it does, but I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t use a stupid excuse not to see me, I know that he would tell me the truth & he would bail, he says that he really wanted to see me today & I say that it’s lucky he emailed because the app doesn’t give me notifications & I only checked it because I got the notification of his email. He didn’t realise that I had to check the app every time I got a message from him & I say “Yeah cos I’m a foolish wanker” he tells me that I am not, as usual, but I am such a fool. “Well only a fool would love me. Your not a fool. Your sexy and smart and far from a fool. You’re the smartest person I’ve chatted to ever. So many chicks are dumb online.” Fuck I am so dumb… I am not smart at all when it comes to him… “What smart woman spends an hour getting ready so it doesn’t look like I put in that much effort. To sit in front of the heater alone watching Netflix? Yeah so smart!” I want to make him feel bad, even though it’s not his fault. I want him to realise how much effort I give him & he treats me badly, even if he couldn’t help it. “I know you put in a lot of effort and would of look super cute for me … You wanted my eyes to give you the look they always do. And I would of noticed. I’m sorry #IBD4U , I really am.” He also says that he didn’t want to have sex with me today so he’s not sure why I wore lingerie. I am not sure either, I mean we were meeting at Hungry Jacks. I wasn’t planning on fucking him, but with the weight I’ve lost due to work stress, this is the only bra that fits me, so I wore the matching panties. I tell him this & that I won’t fuck him without condoms anyway & I don’t have any. I know he’s trying to joke here, but it makes me furious “Haha well no point really fucking then , I know how you feel and it’s not the same. But I don’t blame you either. And I feel the same way about you , god knows how many guys you’ve been with since me.” Did he seriously just say that to me!? His partner has a confirmed STI… “Actual fuck you for saying that Silverlining. I’ve been STI tested 4 times since knowing you, 3 times since we ended…” Fuck he’s a jackass.

He sends me pictures of his sandwich & says something about eating carbs which is how he knows he’s feeling shit, because he’s been doing keto. I don’t reply. Fuck him. “I’m a dick. FFS. Please eat and look after yourself. Ps my partner hasn’t looked you up on Facebook in a while. Just checked while she’s passed out lol” OMG so now he goes through her phone too? These two are fucking insane! He says that he’s looked at her chat app too & seen a picture of Crows & says that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on him being he’s so unreliable when I could have Crows – well first I couldn’t have Crows as he is just as unreliable. & I tell Silverlining to stop looking at men I’ve fucked & torturing himself. Fucking stop stalking people… (What he should have said to his partner about stalking me!) “You’re being so rude to me. Push me away all you want, it didn’t stop me from loving you before. What makes you think it’ll work now?” I am fucking over it. He says that ‘curiosity got the worse of him’ Yeah I’ll say it did… He basically just called me a skank with an STI. He says that he didn’t call me that & doesn’t hold it against me how many men I’ve been with since him 12 months ago. But he clearly is holding it against me. He guesses 12 & I didn’t really think that he would try to guess – this is not a good idea. I don’t want to tell him that number. He says he knows I was trying to tell him things to make him jealous when we were strangers & he’s right, I was & did. He says that I’ve always been an oversharer & why we couldn’t be friends. “And why we shouldn’t be friends!” I can’t believe he’s said that “Coming from ‘Mr I’m choking my partner tonight after she’s fucked some guy & sent me pictures…” & his reply makes me laugh – stupidly “We can go back to pretending to be strangers ?” then he asks how I found that out, I mean he fucking told me!! He doesn’t remember telling me that. Well I guess we’re both oversharers. “I was always more honest with you than I was with my partner , probably still am.” I don’t get why you would want to be with someone that you either have to or choose to lie too?

We talk about the guy that I fucked that I cried with after Silverlining & a few other guys, he gets all judgy about me doing rope & the people that go to that too & I try to just stop replying but I can’t. “I’ve only fucked my partner since you too btw” That makes me feel oddly smug! I am glad of that to be perfectly honest, he says that he never had much luck & she even tried to get him girls too but she couldn’t. I can’t help but think sucked in you asshole. He tells me that his partner fucked three guys but he got nothing! OMG – Why is he telling me this?!

He says she tried pretty hard with Crows but he wouldn’t fuck her & this other guy the one of my friends used to fuck regularly, but she never did. That has made me feel smug too, the fact that people on the chat app are more loyal to me than I thought they would be. He asks why I am not still fucking Crows & I explain that he called me beautiful & then I never saw him again, not sure if they were related but it was weird. “You do look beautiful. I bet you looked so beautiful for me today.” FUCK.

Silverlining tells me that he’s too embarrassed to tell me what his hobby is, he tells met that his phone broke a few months back & it took him ages to fix it so he had time to do things that he wanted too do & he wasn’t so obsessed with social media. He says that he has to go & I say to tell me, then he’s gone. The next morning he says “Fun fact , my partner has always put down my interest and hobbies my whole life and is openly honest about calling me a loser about it.” WTF?! Why aren’t these 2 supporting each other?! I bet she has hobbies that he might think is lame, but doesn’t tell her… Though fun fact, Silverlining has put down my interests in rope about a million times, even to the point where if things didn’t go south with the people who ran the club, I probably would have stopped going anyway… So in fact, he’s no better! But I guess it’s easy to put me down to make himself feel better about the fact he thinks he’s not good enough for me. I tell him that it hurts me that he thinks that I would ever put him down for his interests & hobbies. I would never do that, I am always supportive of everything he’s ever chosen to do. I hate that he puts me down for something he doesn’t understand after now confessing that that’s what his partner does to him, I’m surprised that he would do it to me, knowing how it feels.

He sends me 15 messages to basically tell me that his hobby is buying old computers off Facebook marketplace, doing them up & selling them… OMG. Why would he even think that I would judge him for that, I know that he’s got a thing for computers & gaming consoles, I mean all he brought to my house was fucking computer shit, why would he think that I didn’t realise that what he is into? I say that it’s adorable, but he just thinks he’s a major geek. It is geeky, but like I say to him, at least he’s not wasting his money on cigarettes or drugs or alcohol, he’s actually doing something with his time.

He changes the topic “Oh yeah even though I wasn’t going to fuck you yesterday (despite wanting too lol) I really wanted to give you a hug and kiss you.” OH FUCK. I am at the gym, going on with my life, I’m assuming that he’s called in sick to look after her, so I say goodbye assuming he’ll be gone when I am done. He says that she’s off today anyway – she won’t take medication when she feels a migraine coming on & then this type of thing happens but he’s at work today. Seriously, if I was admitted to hospital, I would make my partner stay at home – these two are weirdos! “I was going to kiss you … no matter what … really wanted to kiss you.” FUCK.

#IBD4U

The next morning, I wake up to nothing from Silverlining. He’s so predictable, he says that he gets to start work late so hasn’t got out of bed yet. He says that he can’t always be easy on me, making him message first, which I know he hasn’t done at all, even as a stranger.

He tells me never to have kids, getting them ready for school is a nightmare, I slip in the fact that I can no longer have them anyway & he says that he wants to get the snip. He asks why I can’t have them & I tell him that I made my decision permanent. “Wow. You know if everything went right with me leaving my partner and I lost custody of my kids I would of begged you to have kids right ?” Well I reply that he would of got sole custody, what judge is giving his mentally ill partner custody, “I would’ve had a kid with you” even if he had custody – which is fucking hard for me to admit, but I would of had a child, possibly even children with him. I would have had his child, if he asked… FUCK that is hard to admit. I say that I can still technically have a child, I’d just have to do IVF. I can’t help but wonder, if I hadn’t have even said anything about not wanting kids way back when we were together, if then that wouldn’t have been a factor – it might’ve been easier for him to leave her, knowing there was that chance to have children with me!? I’ll never know, if I asked now, he would say no anyway.

He also says that he didn’t actually want sole custody (& I kept pushing that down his throat – maybe another mistake on my part.) but he didn’t want them in another state & him not able to see them at all, which is what she threatened. Would things be different if I wasn’t so against having kids of my own?! He always said I hated kids, which I do not, I love kids, I just didn’t want them of my own. But I know that if we were together & he asked me to have one, I would have.

While I’m spending a lot of time getting ready for our lunch date – trying to look effortlessly put together, we are messaging constantly. He tells me that he can’t ever join the chat app again as he made way too many enemies on there, that I have too many friends on there & that his partner still has it on her phone. Oh good, so she’s probably stalking me on there. He says that she tried but couldn’t find me – OMFG. What the fuck is wrong with this person… He says that she went back on dating apps a few times too, enjoying the chatting with people more than he thought she would. He says that he lost interest when it all started getting back to me. He didn’t know how connected I was & that anything would get back to me. He says something about liking the gratification of how women make him feel on internet chat, even if he’s never going to do anything with them, he’s gratified. It’s so weird how this man is so insecure about how he looks in my eyes yet, other women tell him he’s sexy or has a big dick & he believes them. It fucks me off to be honest. I mean I get that he thinks that I’m too good for him but yet he also knows that I was in love with him – he says he saw it in my eyes, but yet doesn’t believe me when I tell him his good looking?! Fuck he’s confusing.

When he told me that his partner doesn’t know how to use the chat app groups, yet he’s told me that she hacked Facebook to be able to look at all my private photos with a “trick” I call bullshit. He says that’s she’s really dumb so can’t work out the groups but that she didn’t hack Facebook but worked out some stupid trick – he says she can look via my friends – which she can’t as my friends list is private. (If anyone knows this trick, please email me!) He says she probably spent a day on it, that she looked at my page every day, saw my broken heart post & became obsessed with me. “I can assure you that my marriage will not last forever” Because they’re both lying to each other! FUCKING HELL… I keep denying it because it’s fucking bullshit but he says that she showed him how she did it, but conveniently he can’t remember what she did. I find her on Facebook immediately & block her & then him. Fuck that was hard looking them up! I can’t even look them up yet she’s stalking my page daily with some trick to see all my photos… Now I know that this isn’t true & I’ll tell you why – I posted once, only once on my Facebook wall when I created this blog, to get my friends to like the page & read too. IF she had this special trick, she would know about this blog, I know she wouldn’t keep it a secret from him, she probably wouldn’t be with him still knowing the whole story & he definitely would know about it too & wouldn’t be talking to me now because he’d probably hate my guts for writing about us & ruining his relationship! So I call bullshit! I ask if he’s ok with her stalking me daily & he says “I’m the one that had an affair .. What say do I have” OMG. Is he serious?! Just tell her to fucking stop or block my profile on her phone when she’s not looking, fucking hell he’s a dickhead sometimes. He says that he reckons they’ll break up when the kids are in high school – I can’t help but think about what type of life either of them & their kids are having when she brings me up daily.

But then he says “Might have to pull out of today” & I start shaking… I knew it… FUCK. “My partner is in super look out today. Or push it back later so it doesn’t look suss” OMG. I snap & tell him not to pull out now, I’m about to fucking leave to meet him. “My partner is in overdrive today ffs.” I tell him to just go to the gym near his work & he says that he’s already been to the gym & she’s noticed that he’s done that differently today than usual. He says she got angry because he didn’t reply when he was in the shower. OMG, so he has to shower at certain times of day on the days he works late or she gets angry?! “Your name comes up daily she doesn’t let me forget you I assure you …” I am fucking fuming that he is bailing now. He says that he can meet me still but at 12:00 pm, not 11:00 am, he sends me a screenshot of her texts to him – I’m not sure why, I assume to prove whats happening, she sends a lot in a row “I’m so fucking pissed off. I hate having a period, I hate cunts that call in sick cos they are lazy. My fucking head is pounding and my neck is killing me. Wat r u doing. I’m having a meltdown” Yeah I can see that… FUCK. He says that he’s in the shower, she replies “Y. R U being dodgy” OMG. I know he cheated on her but fucking hell, he’s at home, she can track him – obviously she is so knows he’s at home… He tells her that he just finished at the gym “That wasn’t long. U masturbate too. I’m in a foul mood. I have a headache. I want maccas.” He says that she just pinged his phone too (I don’t really know what that means & I don’t ask), to see where he is?! OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level, why do either of them want to live like this!? He says that she didn’t think that she would be watching so closely today, that the leash is tight. “I’ll still meet you at 12. How’s that for having a go at my jerking off too lol…” I ask why he’s not allowed to jerk off & he says because he doesn’t want sex as much when he does, but she also uses her vibes on her days off & when he works late but he says nothing – yeah TMI Silverlining, thanks… I try to give him an alibi for why he would be at work early, but he’s freaking out now & I highly doubt we’ll meet.

He says she’s in crazy mode today that they have good days & bad days, but I come up almost daily. I ask why either of them stay & he says “Kids. We do love each other.” I can’t help my reply “What a happy environment.” I know I am not going to see him today & he’s being a fuck wit. “I do love my partner just like love you. May not be on the same level and connection but yeah” NO, NO, NO. I am angry “You do not love me the same way as you love her.” FUCK NO he doesn’t. I tell him that neither of them are in love at all, she just doesn’t want me to have him & so she makes him suffer & he allows it. He says that she’s forgiven him but will never forgive me. AGAIN, why the fuck does she have to forgive me for? I didn’t have a commitment to her – have kids with her, tell her that I love her then lied to her daily for over a year while I fell in love with someone else, how can she even care about me!? I am fucking pissed at this conversation & then it happens…

“Okay. I’m really sorry #IBD4U. But her work just rang me to pick her up. She thinks about you daily… Says your name daily. Has even asked 3 times this week if I’m chatting to your or emailing. It’s like she sensed it. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid today. I’m terrible sorry.” I don’t reply, I just sit there staring at it. He sends“Probably ghost me now …” I wish I could do that, then he sends “Thursday lunch ?” I ignore his messages & message Motocross to have lunch with me but he can’t meet me as his with his mechanic apparently.

Ironically Silverlining’s partner ‘hates cunts who call in sick cos they’re lazy’ & now she’s going home sick because she doesn’t trust her partner… OMG…. I snap… “What can I say? Like really what can I say? I skipped gym this morning – actually ate something too then I’m sitting here dressed, looking super cute (even stupidly am wearing lingerie.) & ready to meet my ex boyfriend who I’m still in love with for lunch & he bails… Don’t’ make promises you can’t keep. We’ll just play it by ear” His replies come quickly. “Fuck super cute and lingerie … It was a pretty certain thing … This just came up … Your not going to believe me but yeah. Good bye for then. For now.” I am so heartbroken… I reply “Was never going to fuck you. I don’t have any condoms. But wore it in case you saw it. Hope she’s ok. Bye” He replies “I didn’t intend on fucking you … Why would I see it. Bye” I don’t reply but he sends about 40 minutes later “So I just got to her work and they have taken her to hospital. You can’t make this shit up hey.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

I can’t look at the app anymore. I am so fucking hurt. So gutted. So stupid. I know it’s not his fault at what has happened today, I know that this is what I’m in for when I started chatting to him again too, I know that she’s still in the background – apparently for another 10 years till the kids are in high school, but I didn’t think I would feel so foolish ever again… & yet here I am, all dressed up & no where to go!

FUCK.

#IBD4U

We’re all hanging here! I know… I am barely breathing. I ask what, what the fuck could he possibly want to ask me, in the few seconds that it takes for him to respond, I have a million thoughts, mostly about him leaving her & wanting to make a go of it with me, with my heart beating so fast, waiting for his question, when it finally pops up it says “Have you eaten breakfast loser ?” I literally burst out laughing, a sigh of relief, almost spitting out my breakfast & so I send him a picture of the protein shake I’m drinking. I say I drank half & he says “Drink all of it fuck head.” I say “yes sir” & he says “good girl” & I can’t help but smile like a tool. It’s just like old times.

He says something about his protein shake & I say I always drank his protein shot like a good girl or let him rub it into my tits, I remind him that I used to wear it all day long. He says that he misses that so much & asks how many guys I’ve let cum on my face since him. When he asks stuff like this, I wonder if he actually knows me at all, I mean he knows how long it took me to do it with him, he knows he was the first guy I ever allowed to do that to me too, so when I tell him zero & he says bullshit. I do wonder how he thinks he knew me better than I knew him, when he thinks that shit about me. He knows that I always said that I never let random guys get the best of me. Only one guy since him has been allowed to fuck me in the ass. I have fucked a lot of guys but I definitely don’t let them cum on my face!

I tell him that I never used to like cum on me at all but his reaction to it, made me love it, I wanted to please him & I loved that look he gave me when he rubbed it into my tits or saw it on my face. Not that he came on my face a lot.

We get back on to the subject about him avoiding me, avoiding my fetlife account & avoiding anything on the anonymous app that he thought was me, he says that it was fun being strangers but he had a hunch fairly early on & was wondering how he was going to reveal himself to me “Was gonna be like you’re #IBD4U Surname and your street name which I see every fucking day on the way to work” OMG, I always wondered if he noticed that my street name is on a sign on his way to work, it would be hard not to notice it as it’s a giant sign but I never thought that he would notice that, didn’t think he’d notice it weekly, let alone daily. I think that is so fucking adorable. He continues that he knew I was wasn’t dumb, I knew his timetable but then I played dumb when he tried to reveal himself & he freaked out that I didn’t know. I say that I wondered if he ever paid attention to the street name or even when he sees cheezels. He says that he noticed the street name every fucking day. He says that I got angry at being cat fished but I was cat fishing him. I did not cat fish him at all, I was 100% me at all times. I changed a few details & didn’t disclose everything but I was 100% myself.

I tell him that I was desperate to message him on his birthday this year, but I didn’t. He says that he doesn’t remember any birthdays or his kids, so he doesn’t know mine but he says it’s really sweet that I wanted to message him & says that I must really love him… Well Durh! I did also think of his daughter on her first birthday & wondered what they were doing for it. I saw her at the show & say that she super cute. His replies come so quickly that I am smiling the whole time “She’s fucking adorable. Omg she’s sooooo cute. She’s daddy’s little girl now lol. I fucking love her so much. She’s a sassy little bitch with attitude sometimes tho”  I tell him that he is fucking adorable & he replies “ok I’m not adorable. I don’t do adorable”  OMG I want to hug him! FUCK. That is so cute. Him as a dad is literally the cutest thing ever. “I’m manly and cool and stuff okay. Silverlining and adorable don’t go in the same sentence.”

When he says “Important question time because I’m legit worried about you”  I know that it’s probably going to be about me eating “Have you eaten some lunch ?” Fuck I love him… FUCK FUCK FUCK. He tells me not to lie to him & I have eaten something small however I’m at work on my holidays fixing up some stuff so I am not in a frame of mind to be eating. I tell him not to worry, I’m still fat – although I remember when Motocross said something about my weight & said that I weighed 68kgs, I forget why we were talking about weight but I love that Motocross thinks I’m that small. I wish! I tell Silverlining that I still have at least 10kgs to lose & his quick replies again catch me off guard “No you don’t. You look fine how you are. I found you incredibly hot when I was with you. You don’t need to lose anymore. I want you to do me a favour. Don’t look at the scales again. Stop looking at your scales. You were beautiful the way you were before. And if you have lost more weight , are fitter and smaller. Your even more beautiful now.” OMFG Why am I not with this guy!?

I send him some pictures & he says that I look stunning. Never have I heard him call me stunning – maybe he did once or twice before. He’s not said beautiful much, but he has a few times… But I don’t think he’s ever said stunning. I send some more pictures & he says that some guys got lucky those nights. However every single picture I send him, I went home alone. He says that the doesn’t believe me. “Like I said, I’m not as amazing as you seem to think…”  He says that he thinks I’m amazing. FUCK. Then I realise that he actively sought out the song to listen to this morning & say how fucking cute that is, but he tries to deny it.  (OMG our conversations jump all over the place! Hahaha)

When he says that he wants to know who catfished him on the anonymous app ages ago, I can’t help but think not this old chestnut. I mean it’s an anonymous app, I don’t know how anyone could seek him out to catfish him on purpose. I can’t even listen to him blame me again for doing that when I didn’t, but if he was so suspicious of the woman, why did he give his partners account to her to chat to too?! He says that he never told his partner about the anonymous app, that she doesn’t know about it at all because it wasn’t part of his affair with me… OMG another lie by omission! He keeps telling me who he suspects it was, but it was no one I know – no one told me anyway. Our relationship, now in my experience after sharing with you guys especially from your comments & messages, that it was not uncommon. ‘Married man falls for mistress, wife finds out but husband stays with wife & leaves mistress hurt.’ So if someone else had a similar experience, then he just happened to find them to discuss it with, it was just a coincidence. Or maybe a friend of mine, but no one ever confessed to it.  I mean all the things his partner was saying about me on the chat app was getting back to me, she told so many people so many things. So I am not surprised that he felt like I was catfishing him. However, for the record, I did not. Anytime I’ve wanted to talk to him, I have used my own profile, I wouldn’t try to be someone else. I always told him that if I wanted to find something out, I knew where she worked, I would just walk into her work & talk to her or I just asked him. But I am not going to pretend to be someone else on an app to get information. I was getting it readily from random people anyway for free, I didn’t need to go to the trouble of making fake accounts & stalking the anonymous app waiting for him to post.

He says that he listened to the song because of me – see our conversation jumping around, which he says just as I say that I’ll let it go, but he says fuck you because he already replied before I said I’d let it go. I cheekily add “You can fuck me..” but he says “Your seeing someone you can’t make that offer to me lol.” Well that’s a bit rich, isn’t it? “Says the partnered man who fucked me for a year!”  He can’t deny that “Oops. It’s your fault!” Bahaha, not the fuck is that my fault. “You tempted me too much. Your tempting me already ffs”  I know he’s joking so I say that it’s not my fault that he had soooo many women lined up. “Yeah but one pushed me over the edge and i actually did it. Organized a way to see her .. Weekly too … The last thing we should do is fuck… That would be soooo unhealthy. I won’t deny that I wanted to this morning. I knew my partner was distracted , I got stuck with kid drop off  so only had 20 mins at the gym , which isn’t worth it. Lol” OMG so he’s thinking about ways to see me!? I say that I want to see him again, maybe if we just meet for lunch. He asks when I am on holidays, I say that I’m already on holidays but don’t fly out for another week. He says “I’m on a tight leash these days …” I literally laugh “I’m well aware of that, I didn’t ask you to go to QLD. I just asked to see you for lunch” He says that he could do tomorrow or when I say Thursday he says that he has his daughter all day. It’s Tuesday tomorrow so I know he works late, he says that we could meet before work, at like 11:00 am. He suggests that we could do it at my local shops because he can get a hair cut or that we can just do lunch near his work. I think a place near his work where no one would see us that we know, would be better. There are too many people that could see us at the local shopping centre. Even though he’s planning where to meet me, he says “I think it’s a baddddddd idea.” However he is planning it & thinking about it. He tells me that we’ll meet at hungry jacks (Burger king for out of towners) at 11:00 am. I laugh my head off, of all the places close to this work, cafes & everything, he picks fucking hungry jacks! I ask why & he says that it was the unsexiest place he could think of. He says that he has to go now, but asks when I’m back from Qld, which I am there a week so he says he had an idea for Sunday but that won’t work, being I’ll be away. He says that this is a bad idea- yet again, yet he fucking is planning when he can see me!  He says the idea was a badddd idea for Sunday, I suggest he calls in sick & he says don’t tempt me. I say lets just settle on a lunch for now & we say good bye. I can’t bring myself to write love you so I send the heart with 3 kisses. He does the same back & he’s gone.

FUCK! I want to meet him, I want to see him… But fuck he’s right, this is a bad idea… This is not wise but I can’t resist. I never could resist him & the fact that I know he’s thinking of different ways to see me, just spurs me on, making me want it more too. I can’t believe that I am going to see him face to face tomorrow – after a year. I am so excited, nervous & apprehensive about seeing him, but I know as stupid as it is, but I need to do it!

#IBD4U

I read a meme once that said ‘Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers & don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.’ I was going to use this message as my heart that I always post on Instagram for a blog one day, however I’m not sure I believe it anymore – for me. I did used to believe this, I mean I tried to explain to Silverlining what I felt, what I wanted & he didn’t listen, but not because he didn’t want to listen but because he didn’t want to believe it, that’s on him, not on me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to explain myself & get answers from him about that. Finding out that his regret was doing what he called the ninja pack up – I said he was a thief in the night, but I like his analogy, that it literally is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am glad that I fought for some answers here.

I don’t need to explain myself to you guys or justify why I am doing what I’m doing – you don’t have to read if you don’t like the direction my story is going! But I now know he still loves me, thinks about me & has regrets… I always wondered if he regretted meeting me or getting involved with me, I never regretted meeting him or getting involved with him. I know we probably won’t be together, we both say that we’re not sure we should be talking right now or if we can even be friends now or in the future, but for now I think we both need this.

His question about me eating catches me off guard, he actually asks if I’ve eaten, which I haven’t eaten much, things super stressful at work but I just can’t face eating. He says that he doesn’t understand what I see in him – why I am still crazily in love with him, I remind him that he doesn’t believe me anyway but I’m pretty sure that he’s crazily in love with me too. I never wanted to lose him. “I do still crazily love you , I didn’t want to lose you , but I know it was getting to the point where it was hurting too much. Eat something now you twat face. I’ll fucker Uber you maccas if your careful.” I say that I just can’t eat, but it’s not about him, he says “Eat something. For me. Eat something. Eat Something.” I tell him I can’t eat & then his replies come through repeatedly, I think he’s going nuts replying the same thing over & over but then we both laugh at the fact the app is fucking up. He tells me to tell him what I have eaten today & what I am eating right now, I literally laugh but am smirking at how much he actually cares about me, he tells me to look after myself & eat, I say that I am looking after myself & he replies “Not eating is not looking after yourself , dumb fuck” I laugh & say I could eat his dick… OMG, why is it so easy to flirt with him. Though that’s always been our thing, right, anytime we’re serious we talk about sex, distracts the other. It works “You’re getting worse #IBD4U Stop making me want to fuck you” I act all innocent, what?! Hahaha & he says my dirty flirty. He says he can’t help it when he’s around me, but I need to stop encouraging him. He needs to stop encouraging me!

I don’t even realise what I am writing till I hit send “I would totally fuck you, stupid as it is… My god, no one has ever made me feel the way you do… Even just to chat too…” He tells me off, that I should never tell a man I would fuck them just to chat to them that men would use that to their advantage. Which isn’t exactly what I said but anyway “You’re not just any guy Silverlining. You’re the first guy I ever fell in love with, you’re the first guy for so much stuff… It’s insane how many firsts we had.” I mean I had quite a lot of sex before Silverlining, I’m not going to lie (You’ve all read about it! Hahaha) however it was mainly one night stands or someone I saw only a few times, so I never got to really experiment or try new things like I did with him. “You were a lot of firsts for me too…” which I find hard to believe but I know he finds it hard to believe that he had so many firsts with me too.

“Fuck you make me smile” & I melt… Like a wanker, my ice queen exterior is no longer there… I have told him I want to see him again, I now really want it but I just ask how I make him smile, I haven’t really said anything to make him smile really & he says that I just do, that our chats just make him smile. I didn’t think I said anything to make him smile, but he says that I make him smile with a lot of the things I have said. I think he realises where this conversation is going os he asks quickly how I knew it was him on the app after I saw him at the show. I say that I just knew from his pattern & I had a feeling. He says he knew I knew but didn’t want to say that he knew. “I know you’ll log off soon, cos you’ll be home… We’re both going off to different people tonight. But do know that I love you. With all my heart… More than I should… More than I want to admit.” I almost start tearing up but I know Motocross will be at my house soon for our date. “I love you Silverlining.” I get three messages back “#IBD4U this isn’t healthy … FFS. I love you too …” Within in 2 days of admitting who we are, we’ve said we’re still in love but not like this… I fucking love him. “I want to make you smile. I want to make you remember… I want us to be together. I want us to be friends… Don’t just ignore me tomorrow.” He says that he won’t but assumes that my work is super busy for me. I tell him I am basically invisible at my job now, I am doing everything I can to stay there because I love my job, he even says that knowing how much I love what I do. But I am annual leave as of tomorrow so I have three weeks off. He talks about hiding out the back since he’s been made redundant & I ask if there are any spots he could fuck me in, then I say remember fucking me in the ass in his office. He tells me off for making him hard & says that’s the hottest thing he’s ever done at work. I remember the next time I fucked him in his office when he used a USB cable & he asks who thinks of that shit, I’m like you dude – no one had ever been that spontaneous with me before. We talk about fucking in the ass, I say that only one guy has done it with me since him & he says that he hasn’t done it since me they tried but it was too awkward & she didn’t like it… WOW what a surprise – NOT.

I say that I expected him to be having this amazing sex life, she rimmed him but he says that she hasn’t done it in ages & it’s calmed down now. I say that I would never calm down if he was in my bed every night. He says I wish & I’m like well you could’ve had it. He replies “Oh I know … I wanted it … I was so close … I believed it …” He then tells me that he still chokes her & goes into dom mode but that’s about it. He says they have good sex but not like sex we had. I say that she will never be like me & he agrees that no one will ever be like me. I have a moment of high self esteem & tell him that I am one of a kind & he says that he knows. I say that I don’t think he knows that I am & he says that he does but asks why I think that. “You’re willing to stay with her when not only do we have amazing sex, but we also have an amazing connection… A strong bond that even after a year, can’t be broken…” his reply annoys me “Life gets complicated … kids and stuff. Your one of a kind and i fucking know it. You can’t deny I didn’t love you.” He says that he has to go & that this isn’t healthy – yet again, I tell him that I love him & say that we’ll see how long he lasts not chatting to me. He says chat later & three kisses.

I go on my date with Motocross & he obviously goes about his life with his family. I will admit that I check the app over night after Motocross goes to see if he’s messaged which he hasn’t. He knows I am with him so I figure that he doesn’t want to interrupt me. I don’t wake up as early as usual because I am on leave from work, but when I wake up, I check the app & he has messaged me at 6:30 am. I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away, he says “Morning sexy bitch. So confession time. Periscope was my song for you” We’d talked about it when I said that we fucked to it & I knew it was his song for me, he told me that’s how he realised he loved me. I say that I’ve been listening to it a lot recently, which is weird. I tell him that I have been listening to a song called ‘Better Than Life’ & it’s my new anthem. He gets a bit pissed at himself because he forgot he told me that fact. hahaha.

I remind him that we’re the type of people who need to be told we’re loved but we are so stubborn that we don’t want to say it ourselves. I ask if he was listening to the song this morning & that’s why he confessed. He says yes & is pissed I know him so well too, he also says that he deleted his Spotify account because he’s going to be unemployed but he found it on YouTube to listen & I think it’s fucking sweet that he’s listening to the song for me. I thank him for having the balls to say I love you first to me, because I was never going to say it first. He says that he was going to say it so many times & I can’t believe that. I mean when he finally said it to me we were sort of having a fight. He says that he was falling for me within a few weeks but took him a while to work up the courage. I wonder if he said it sooner, would things be different?! When everything came to a screaming halt with his partner, would we have been further along therefore easier for him to leave her?!

Then he says “Oh I have a super important question for you…” My heart leaps into my mouth, what the fuck could he possibly ask?

#IBD4U

So a lot of you have asked what has happened to Motocross during all of these Silverlining posts. Well remember we’re only on day 2-3 since the reveal of our identities – Silverlining & I talk a lot & there is a lot of info to tell you, I can cut back on the detail to speed things up a bit. But rest assured Motocross is still in the background & there is still more of his story to come soon, but we just need to catch up on the Silverlining stuff first. I probably should’ve started with the Silverlining sooner than I did so it was both at the same time in the timeline but I am a bit ahead with Motocross. But there is more coming, I promise! So don’t stress, you will know everything I know, eventually…

Silverlining & I are talking a lot over the weekend when he’s at work, it’s like he waited to a weekend he was at work so he could talk to me & he’s said that he doesn’t want to stop, I don’t either at this point, I can’t stop regardless of what my brain is telling me, my heart is pulling at those stings again & I am an addict, I never realised he would be too!

He reminds me that he’s not good at maintaining friendships, but I don’t believe that that’s all him, I know she tracks him & questions him when he’s late or doing anything that he just stop bothering to engage with his friends, also his lack of self esteem about people liking him doesn’t help the situation. She did this before he met me – so it’s not just post affair. He disagrees & says he’s just lazy when it comes to maintain friendships. He does say that he is tracked harder & questioned over everything now but he swears that I don’t realise what a loser he is. He says he’s allowed to go out with friends – OMG, does he really need to be allowed, but he just never did or does… Yeah because I’m sure she was tracking him & asking questions he just gave up on it. & now it’s worse than it was before. Honestly, regardless if he ends up with me or not, what type of life are either of them living?! I mean he’s so under the thumb, more than before & she’s so paranoid. Of course she now has every right to be, but why would either of them want to live in this strange existence of toxicity?!

He says that she only started stalking him when she suspected him of cheating, which he wasn’t when he started cheating. He said that she knew (the woman always knows) but couldn’t prove it but because he stopped paying her attention, she got suspicious. The ironic thing is, he wasn’t cheating until she started suspecting it, yet she still got pregnant to him again. He had met me & I know that his heart wasn’t in the pregnancy, but I think if she hadn’t of gotten pregnant when she did, things would also be very different.

He asks why I tell my sister everything & I tell him how scared I was that his partner was going to do something to me, that I’d perhaps lose my memory or even worse she’d kill me, then she’d get away with it just like she said & he told me she could. No one knew about us – because no one saw us together & there would be no proof of our relationship, so the timeline I wrote would give a complete overview for anyone & I gave my sister a copy of all the videos, pictures, gifs, screenshots & anything else I had to make sure no one got away with anything! No one could deny anything. He says that he’s surprised that he’s still alive some days. I always wondered that over the year we didn’t talk, if she killed him or if something terrible happened to him because of her, would I ever know?! Would I always be pining for him, hoping one day he’d come back into my life?! He says that he’s glad she didn’t go down that path of hurting me but he assures me that she wanted too. I am still mega pissed off he told her my real name, my real job & showed her where I live. I always lie on the apps about my job & use a fake name. I know he gave her a fake name to start with when he was under pressure from her about what my name was but when it was revealed that it was fake, why didn’t he just give her another fake name & tell her my fake job that I use?! Why did she even need to know what I did for work anyway?! FFS. He says he freaked out that she would find out he lied again about another fake name. I mean the fact that he kept getting caught in lies should’ve been enough for her to want to leave him but she’s clutching to save her family, I get that.

I say that my job has changed a lot recently, which has been a good challenge but there is a lot of other stuff happening in my role which isn’t good at the moment. He says that his job has too, he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him but he was made redundant 6 weeks ago which is why he came back online because he’s not bothered about work anymore. He says he doesn’t have long left & doesn’t know what he’s going to do. They offered him a new role but it was quite a lot less pay so he’s not sure he wants to take it. “So add that to my loser resume, I’m also nearly unemployed” I say that he’s not a loser, just because the company is restructuring & your role is merged with another, doesn’t make you a loser! He says that he’s not in a good place mentally & I know that was hard for him to say to me. I don’t want to burden him with my work shit too, so I try to be supportive, he’s been told by others that he’s too good for the job he’s in & I agree, I always thought he could do better than what he was doing, but as long as he liked what he did, then I didn’t care. He admits that’s why he’s put on weight because he’s been drinking & eating shit a lot. I didn’t think he looked fat, but I guess if he felt me nearby, he sucked in his gut! Hahaha.

He’s scared about what he’s going to do & that his partner is now the bread winner which he hates – I didn’t realise he was so traditional, however he always did talk about how rich I am (I am not, lets not pretend here!) I never realised the woman earning more than him would be a problem. But I guess then if she is the bread winner & he’s not earning anything, then he’d be really be even more trapped. He again says that he doesn’t want me to feel sorry for him, I say that I don’t, I mean want to hug the poor fucker, he’s going through some shit but I tell him that he will find something. I offer to look as his resume for him, being that I have just done a friends resume but he says that he’s good with resumes, so he’s all good. He tells me that he didn’t want to tell me at all, that I don’t realise what a dark place he’s in… Oh yeah, I get it.

I remind him that he never has to be insecure with me, especially about my love & how much he turns me on – going into a little detail about how when he pinned my legs on his shoulders & arms above my head in a bed, he would make me squirt cum in just two thrusts. He apologises for being so insecure. My heart breaks for him a little, but I don’t tell him that, I know he doesn’t want my sympathy. He sort of ignores that message so I say “I like how you ignore my message… Or are you tucking your apparently tiny cock into your belt?!” He says fuck you & I say that I was sad towards the end we didn’t fuck in a bed more. We always started out fucking in a bed, but then it was the car or over the car but he says most of our sex sessions that weren’t in a bed were the hottest. I did like our car sessions, they were fun, I’d never really fucked in a car much before him, but I wanted him in a bed again. “You just wanted to make love and cuddle. We had good sessions no matter where it was tho !” I remind him that I don’t like cuddles “We still made love when it was in the back of a car…. You fucking looked into my eyes every time we fucked… Used my name…” He tells me that I like cuddles more that I let on, which is probably true, I did love cuddling him & even in the car, just sitting touching after we just fucked each other hard, was so special.

“Yet you think I used you for sex. Sure I just look every woman in the eye and say there name while fucking them …” I know he didn’t use me for sex, I know he loved me, this conversation is proving that more & more. But I did know he didn’t use me for sex. He said his plan was to use me for sex, as was mine, but he fell for me hardcore. He did want me as a friend but he got too attached to early on with me, which of course we all know I did too. I tell him that I was attached to him before we even met. He calls bullshit that I was fucking everyone, which made him insanely jealous. OMG. I was not fucking everyone. I say that I was attached to our chats, but I never chatted to anyone like I did with him ever & haven’t since, not every day, not every moment we could. I say that I was fucking other people but our downfall was when I stopped fucking others, we were attached. I never thought he’d meet me once, let alone see me for a year being that he is tracked! He says that he was only trolling for friendships, he was never going to fuck others, he had people that wanted him but he wasn’t going to do it. I say we were stupid to only fuck each other, his response really surprises me “I don’t think we were stupid. I don’t regret anything. I literally got to meet (and fuck lol) one of the amazing fucking person in this world. And became close friends with. My fucking best friend. Which is hard to admit because of how sad it is. I don’t regret meeting you , fucking you , exclusively fucking you, pretty much making you my girlfriend , loving you. It was worth it. Stupid maybe.” My heart squeezes at that, he was my best friend too, I have a lot of friends, (sorry to those who read this blog! Hahaha) but he was my best friend & I don’t think that’s hard or sad to admit, I always wanted a partner to be my best friend, I’d never had that before.

I ask him a question I am not sure I really want an answer too, but I ask anyway, I ask if he has any regrets & he says “I have one regret , doing what I did to you. the final days. The ninja pack up , the not giving you a go. The ghosting of you. I never wanted to hurt you as much as I did.” I let out a sigh of relief… Finally, what I needed to hear!

#IBD4U

 

I’ve heard the geek thing from Silverlining so many times that I just want to strangle him! I mean I don’t even give a fuck about how geeky he is, we talked about this before, years ago when I said that if he was playing too many computer games & I was bored, I would just suck his cock while he played or wander around the house in lingerie & I’m sure that he’ll stop playing & pay attention to me! I don’t care about geek or his hobbies, as long as he’s not just a stoner sitting at home playing games & ignoring me. Simple really.

I remind him that I always told him how much I loved his cock, it’s size, it’s shape, it always made me cum & it’s the only cock I’ve ever fucked that has made me cum without any other stimulation. I didn’t even know that was possible to have an orgasm just from being fucked until him. But yet his partner told him that it was a good size after she fucked two guys when they were open for 5 minutes & he believed her, which fucked me off. I also remind him I’m not geeky, but I know my way around a computer & connect my own TVs etc. I’m not stupid with technology, but I can’t fake my location like he did. I also say that I knew he was geeky from the get go & thought it was super cute that when he brought his ‘stuff’ to my house that day, it was all his game consoles & one tiny bag of clothes. He says that he hides his geeky side a lot. People think he’s cool but he’s more of a geek than he lets on – why would anyway hide who they are?! He says he brought his game consoles because he didn’t want her to break them & he knew she would go after them first once he left the house.

I remember when he lost his Gameboy, which apparently is actually called a switch – I call it a Gameboy to annoy him because he always corrects me & he was in a foul mood all day chatting to me until he found it at his work, thinking he lost it on top of his car. I say that I knew he was geeky & maybe I knew him better than he knew me but he disagrees, he says that he knew me better. But I don’t believe that, because if he did really know me, he’d know that the geek, the debt, the kids & all of that shit he doubted about himself wouldn’t be an issue for me. He didn’t want to be a burden, but if in fact he knew me, he would’ve known that none of that shit matters to me.

We talk about people on the chat app & how snapchat boy (Noddy) knew about him in a way & remembered Silverlining being mean to him, Silverlining says it was his intention, because I was his turf. He says that he learned when he opened up his relationship that the chat app community was tight, he could’ve gone anywhere but on the chat app, he says that why he closed up their relationship, to protect me… Yeah right… He says it turns out “We’re pretty famous on the chat app” Yeah we were, so many people knew who we were & they also could feel the chemistry between us, so many people said that! But I snap “You didn’t close your relationship to protect me, you closed it to protect yourself! She would’ve found out more lies you told her about me if you kept it open… Don’t flatter yourself that you did anything to protect me.” I mean she was chatting to the guy, Crows , that I was fucking at the time for fuck sake, so she would’ve found out more lies & fuck knows what would’ve happened if she knew the real whole truth about our relationship.

He just says that there were no lies left, she knew everything. He says anything she doesn’t know now, would only come from me, she knows everything that was public or that we shared with individuals, but I’m sure that if she was on the chat app longer, it would have caused them to break up. I tell him that there is still so much she doesn’t know & would ruin their lives if she found out, he says “Pretty sure that’s knocked 5 years off our relationships. We won’t last forever… lol” OH MY GOOD GOD! He’s a fucking idiot! Why would you even be with someone if you didn’t think it will last?!

He tells me that Sweetie told his partner about our love, about our chemistry, about the 3sum with her, the car wash sex – I don’t remember everything Sweetie said however I don’t remember all that, if she knew that we were in love & believed everything Sweetie said, then why was it such a big deal when she read the messages he sent to someone else saying he still loved me!? Sometimes this story just doesn’t make any sense to me! Although I guess he said he denied all the stuff Sweetie said, however he still told her my real fucking name… Then I guess when she read the messages he sent to someone else about being in love with me, he couldn’t deny it.

I tell him that the guy I was fucking was talking to his partner & that I had to get him to get an STI test too, I tell him that I just got tested again & I’m all clean “So fuck you for blaming me for that!!” He says that they apparently only just started testing for HPV recently, which is a load of fucking shit, I was immunised against it in high school, when he tells me that she didn’t go to school in Australia, I snap that “God you believe some bullshit sometimes Silverlining.” He avoids the conversation since it’s making me fucking angry & says that if it’s the guy he thinks it is, she wanted him pretty bad & he wouldn’t fuck his partner… Well that makes me feel fucking smug as fuck! Hahaha.

When I remind him that Crows was also married but I didn’t know that right away, he says “Fuck how do guys get away with it?” Well he asks an interesting question, but then adds that he’s the last person to be asking that. I mean most partners don’t track their partners phones, so I understand how guys & women get away with it, I don’t know how Silverlining got away with it for 18 months but towards the end, I used to go to him a lot more than he ever came to me. HE asks “Why do guys even want 2 girlfriends. That shit is hard.” I laugh, I know that it would be hard to please both of us & I was always the last priority.

We talk about faking our identities again & I say that I wasn’t ready to stop talking to him yet so I didn’t want to reveal myself. I say “I was afraid if you knew it was me, you’d stop talking right away… I never expected you to still be in love with me too. I never even thought you’d still think of me…” Reminding him that I had things I needed him to know “Haha fucking bitch knowing I couldn’t defend myself to some extent. Fucking though the same as you. I saw you for a year … We connected on every single possible level. Sexually , emotionally (slightly retardly) , mentally. You really think I wouldn’t think of you ? Maybe your not as smart as I thought you were” The difference for me is that he has a family, a partner he says he loves & kids, he works full time, I know he’s stubborn & thinking that I’ve moved on so wouldn’t allow himself to think about me. He even told me at one point that he won’t let himself think of me. I tell him that he never believes alything I tell him so being a stranger was perfect & remind him that his partner made things clear to Sweetie too about their kinky sex, knowing it would get back to me, which it did. He says “I knew you loved me , but your emails proved that to me … How deep it was in the end.” I tell him that every song on the papa roach album reminds me of him & that I didn’t think he’d listen to songs & think of me.

I ask why he is still in love with me & he says he just explained because we connected on so many levels, well he has to connect with his partner like that surely?! So I ask, if he has connected like that with others & he says nope. Well FUCK. He asks if I have, which he knows I will say no because I haven’t. “I’d never met anyone who I couldn’t not touch & had to restrain myself from touching you… Before the carwash, when you were getting subway… When we were in the hardware store buying cable ties… Fuck I wanted to just put my arm around you, be flirty…” I was always good at flirty online but when it came to be tactile, I was terrible at it. He says what I’m dreading “I wish you had been touchy and flirty … but was restraining myself too to some extent. I love my wife , and always will to. But our level of connection isn’t on the same level.” Why wouldn’t you want to be with the person you love & connect with the most?! Life is too short to stay with someone, you’ve already told me that you’re not going to be with forever.

He says that we only connected online which is like a stab in my heart & I tell him that, He says that we had a mostly online relationship but we connected in real life too. He says “I was scared shitless you would hate living with me … I didn’t feel that way , I was using it as an excuse to cover. The fact I wasn’t sure how we would live together.” FUCKING HELL, where is this coming from, is he so scared to be alone?! I mean we didn’t have to live together straight away, he could’ve lived with his family or got his own place. “And you think I wasn’t scared about living with you too??? I haven’t lived with someone for like 13 years… What if you hated living with me? I was willing to take that risk…. I think we would’ve pissed each other off, not doubting that fact but we were able to talk about anything, fight & get over it.” He says he realises my fears too but he says “TBH I’m sure we would of be fine” I know that he’s saying that now because he realises how much I wanted him from re reading those emails. “I’m sure you would of just ended up in lingerie sucking my dick and me fucking your brains out an everything would be fine” Sex always did fix everything for us. “Fuck I wanted to live with you so badly… Sleep in my bed every night. I’m 100% sure we would’ve been ok, that we could fix everything with sex.” He says that he wishes we could’ve spent at least one night together. He says that’s his regret, not setting up something so he could spend the night together, we came close when she was in hospital having the baby, I think if their son wasn’t there, I would’ve stayed. He was going to stay when he was working at the store far away & she let him stay at his parents house.

These conversations were helping me, but now they’re making me sad, I mean there are so many things we didn’t get to do. Will we ever get to do them?

#IBD4U

I tell Silverlining about the Doppelganger at my gym. But I realise now that I would know Silverlining from a mile away, that my body reacts, he asks how. I tell him that my tummy churns, my hairs stand up on the back of my neck, I shake & then I can’t eat. He says “You need to eat bitch” I tell him though that my pussy would probably start dripping if he was closer. He says my name like I shouldn’t be flirting with him & I giggle, but I tell him that I have eaten some showbag goodies. He replies “Fuck me I love how wet your pussy gets for me.”

He’s also asking if my sister knows about us chatting – we’re still on the day that we admit it to each other that we’re who we are, by the way. We’ve been messaging all day, so much so that I almost cancelled my appointment because I didn’t want to stop talking to him. It’s going to end soon, I know. I am not stupid, he is with her, he’s made no attempts to leave her. He’s not going too. However for now, for today, I need to chat to him. He asks me what my sister has said, she’s said what half of you are thinking, what I already know, what I don’t need her to say “STOP TALKING TO HIM” & he says that I should probably listen to her, that she knows what’s best for me. But does she? Does he? I reply “Like I said before… No one can understand this. It doesn’t make sense. While it seems counterproductive, it’s actually helping me…. No one will ever understand our connection Silverlining. Nor will they understand our love. Why after a year of not talking, we’re still in love.” It’s almost like Rose in Titanic, getting off the boat with Jack. It doesn’t make sense but the excitement she felt with him in the few short days she knew him, she knew he was what she wanted. He says that Sweetie understood it, she witnessed it. I agree, but I don’t think she would understand why I am talking to him now after everything that happened post break up.

We talk about some people on the chat app & I am reminded of when he came back online with the matching user name as her, something we used to laugh at other people for doing, something I used to joke to him about changing his user name to SiliverliningLovesIBD4U. I don’t know why I spend this short time that I have probably left chatting to him, bringing this stuff up, but I do “Remember when you said to me I needed kink, that you weren’t that kinky or good at it. Then told me all about your kink stuff you were doing with your partner… yeah that was also fun!” He says that they haven’t done much together, which I am not surprised. He says sorry for hurting me with those comments but I taught him somethings he liked about sex. I mean he taught me so much that I didn’t realise that I would like about sex. I tell him that he apologised the next day “But not before telling me she rimmed you & you choked her… Someone else told me you had a 3sum… But yeah… We weren’t always kinky so hurt me that you thought I needed it, using it as an excuse to not be good enough for me…” It’s true but he won’t admit it. “The trouble with us is we both have an open and honest thing going. Sometimes we overshare. And it hurts. Hence why this is not a good thing” I know he’s preparing me to ghost me again, I need to be ok with it, I don’t want it after the fact I’ve not been chatting to him for 2 weeks none stop & today is Saturday & we’ve been chatting since I woke up at 7am.

I remind him that I was hurt because I was thinking she was withholding sex & being a bitch to him when in fact she was giving him the kinky sex I had given him. It was like a stab in the heart for me, I was still in love with him & he was already back to having sex with her when I couldn’t fuck anyone. He says that he never intended on hurting me & that he was just over sharing, I was his best friend, he didn’t think. He says that I taught him so much when I ask what, then he says something else that is meant to me a compliment but catches my breath “The sex never ever compared to ours lol” He says that I made him a better lover. I fucking hate that comment. “Yeah, I made you better for someone else.” He says sorry. But also that I bought out his dom side, he never had that until me.

He says that he has to go soon – it’s almost 11 hours of talking & that this isn’t healthy. No it’s not, but I can’t help but ask “You want to stop talking?” & I wait, not very long for his reply. “No I don’t …” So I say as casually as I can, that he should just talk to me when he can & he says that he will, he says “I’m so sorry for hurting you so much. Chat to you again soon” & with that he goes, but I reply saying thank you for saying that.

While this isn’t healthy, for either of us. I wonder what will happen tomorrow. It’s Sunday, I know he’ll be at work again, so he’ll be able to message if he wants too. I’ve had so much stress at work that I haven’t been sleeping, only getting a couple of hours per night, but tonight when I snuggle down expecting to toss & turn, I drift off to sleep. I am finally content. I feel like while he’s not mine, he somehow centres me. This shit going on in my life goes away & I can finally relax. I sleep the whole night, not great cos my nephew is over but better than I have in months. Waking up at 6:40am – shoot me now, I can’t help but look at the app before I check anything else on my phone as I don’t get notifications for the app we’re using, so I never know if he’s messaged. I am wildly optimistic that he will message but I just don’t know… It’s not a good idea if he does, will I message him if there is nothing from him when I look? I don’t know if I should, but he said he didn’t want to stop talking so at least he’s feeling what I am too…

This is a perfect time for a cliff-hanger, but at only 1100 words, it doesn’t seem enough since we’re only up to the second day of us admitting our identities – but up to #12 & we have Motocross to catch up too, I need to get the Silverlining story moving! So I’ll put you all out of your misery! I never hear from Silverlining again… WHAT?!

DUM DUM DUM! Just kidding, hahaha.

As I check the app, I notice there is a message, my heart jumps as I click to see it’s him at 6:07 am saying “So yeah morning for when you get up. I lasted a day … lol” I can’t help but smile like a fuckwit! I use his line on him “Pfft. You barely last 12 hours.” I laugh & tell him that I had a dream about him too. He replies “Pfft.” As I knew he would. He asks how I normally take my drug “Do you inject it? Inhale it? Pretty sure you take it orally. Maybe you insert it?” I laugh at him, knowing I’m he’s drug too, this song fits so well here….

I tell him the dream was weird because he walked past me at the supermarket while I was picking out tomatoes. I tell him that I didn’t sleep well, but better than I have been sleeping because of my nephew sleeping diagonally in my king sized bed. Silverlining tells me to go back to sleep, but I say that my nephew is awake now. He says that kids should be banned from the bed & he’s cheeky saying he can help me with my tomatoes, then he says actually he’ll help me with my melons.

I remind him about the time he bought me the milk & pizza base that I couldn’t get one time, I said something to him that day & he brought it out when he was meeting me for a lunch time fuck. “You are so fucking thoughtful & sweet” He really was sweet & thoughtful, I didn’t ask for it, I just said I was pissed my store didn’t have them & when I picked him up for lunch, I knew he felt weird as he sort of just threw them in the back seat, didn’t really say anything to me. It was the sweetest thing ever. He says “Pfft, I’m really a dick. Asshole apparently. Big asshole. Let’s not give your ex too much credit” I say “I always loved how much you loved when I popped my melons out of my dress in the back of the car… FUCK… Just remembering that look on your face when ever you saw me in lingerie or just naked…” He always made me feel like the sexiest thing alive, no one else has ever done that before or since. He tells me that I look fucking hot in lingerie.

I’m still on the asshole thing too “I get why you were an asshole. You felt backed into a corner. However you could’ve made different choices…. You were just stupid & manipulated… I guess because how much of a dick you were in groups etc, I never thought you’d be manipulated like that… At my expense.” He doesn’t reply to that but says that he’s at the gym & can’t get hard, I need to stop putting sexy thoughts in his head. I tell him that I still look hot in lingerie with a winky face… Fuck, why is it so easy to flirt with him? “Such an amazing sight when your tits were poking out in a dress …” He also says that any guy is missing out that isn’t admiring my hotness and lingerie. He says that his eyes couldn’t hide how he felt when I wore lingerie. He definitely tried not too show me that face but like he says that he’d be shit at poker. Neither of us have a poker face.

I show him the lingerie I was wearing the night Motocross & I didn’t fuck, I tell him that I want to show him me in it & he says that I’m a fucking tease. I tell him “I would. I want too. Remind you what you’re missing. You refused to look at me at the show… I couldn’t not look at you.” He says that he was scared to look at me – I guess cos he didn’t want her to see him looking at me. He says he’s not looking good but at the gym now. I wonder how he knew it was me at the show if he didn’t look then, I mean I know he’s said that he felt me, but how did he know. I felt him with every fibre of my being, but I honestly didn’t think he’d feel it too. He just he felt me, he even felt me before she said anything.

I ask him if he has a tattoo on his forearm & he says yes he has tattoos… Because of the way he replies, I think fuck they got stupid matching tattoos, but he says no, but got a couple on his arm, exactly like the Doppleganger. OMG they’re more alike every second! He talks about how he’s put on weight in the last 2 months but he’s been doing keto & trying to lose the weight. He then sends me pictures of his tattoos, I send him a picture of my new one that I got after we ended too, that’s on my side, I look skinny in the picture & I feel good about my tattoo. He just says looks nice & suits me. I tell him that he probably looks sexier with tattoos, I always wondered if he’d get some, I remember talking about it & I didn’t think he liked them but now he’s saying he wants a sleeve. OMG, what a turn around!

He says that he’s been told he looks sexier with tattoos, I almost roll my eyes, of course his partner now someone else wanted him, she’s telling him he looks good… She should’ve done that for the last 10 years! I get pissed off, I mean I used to tell him all the time he was sexy, had a big cock but he never believed me, she tells him & he believes her. “Why do you always do that? Believe others over me? I talked to you every day for over 14 months, Fucked you every week for over a year & yet, you always believe everyone else over me?!” Wouldn’t you believe the person who loves you the most? “BTW I’d just assumed you’d be happy and all moved on and have some fucking amazing guy for an amazing chick and you’d be long taken and no where on the app so yeah didn’t think I’d bump into you again. I believe you found me hot … I really do. I just thought I wasn’t good enough for you so kinda down played it ? I still don’t think I’m cool enough for you. I’m more than a self-confessed geek, I’m a fucking geek. Lol” Not this old chestnut.

#IBD4U

I’ve always wanted to get married. 100%, hands down, I always thought I would. I never thought I would be close to 40 (yes scarily, I am close to 40) & not even close to having been married. I definitely never thought that I would have only ever fallen in love once in my life either & only technically had one boyfriend. I’ve not always wanted kids of my own but I knew that I did want to get married, that I wanted that special day with the person I love – not that I knew what love was till recently. Maybe that’s why when I pictured my wedding day it changed a lot & the man would never have a face? He was always tall with dark hair in my fantasy, despite me loving blonde dudes, I have only ever had “relationships” with men with dark brown hair, ironically. But it was always about the wedding, not really what the wedding represented.

For my wedding, when I was younger, I always wanted the big white wedding, with the big poofy dress, I wanted that big day, with hundreds of people, lots of presents (from a gift registry that I got to walk around the store with a scanning gun!) & a giant 4 tiered cake. When I was Boyfriend, I thought about marrying him, of course – we owned a house together, I thought that the house was more of a commitment than a wedding to be perfectly honest. But I never really imagined anything but the wedding with him, I never thought about the marriage or what our life would be like, it was more about the wedding day & that special moment. However as I got older & older – with no marriage in sight, the dream changes a lot.

I’ve never really talked about a wedding before, my dream, my fantasy wedding – what I would do, what I picture, what I’d wear all that type of stuff. I didn’t picture a face on the man I wanted to marry until I met Silverlining. My dream changed when I met him & fell in love with him & started planning my marriage to him. My marriage, not wedding. It became this thing, it wasn’t about the wedding, I won’t deny I didn’t want a wedding because I did, I do. However, the dream was beyond the wedding day, I planned our life in my head post wedding. It wasn’t just about the immediate future, it was about our lives together & I think that’s when things change for me.

The wedding became, in my head only of course, a small intimate affair of only about 40 or 50 people, if not less than that. It would be at my – correction our house, that I own now, we would have done it up together, using the money we would’ve spent on a wedding, on renovating our dream house together. I know SilverLining told me ages ago that he wanted his wedding at a winery. I always thought this was weird being he doesn’t really drink wine, so I don’t dream of this wedding day at a winery – anyway this is my dream, not his. Hahaha.

To start off the day, I would wake up next to him, there would be none of this bad luck bullshit people go on about. We would start the day probably by fucking & getting ready together.

I would be at the event to greet the guests in a green dress, my hair long & curly with my white Jimmy Choos that I’ve never worn ($750 shoes in my wardrobe), he’d be there by my side, his hand on the small of my back as we had some canapes made by my talented cousin who has a catering business in Melbourne, I’d ask her to do everything food wise for me. As the sun was setting the twinkle lights would come on, I’d go get changed into my slim line gown which has a deep V in the front & back. Our celebrant would be my year 7 school teacher who I reconnected with on the cruise a few years ago, I have a photographer picked out who I’d bought a picture from at a flee market once & then I followed on Facebook for years – we would do no posed pictures only candid snaps, I hate all that shit of looking down at the bouquet, or worse the picture of the bride & groom kissing under her veil. OMG! NO.

Our cake would be a cheese wheel tower & a macaron tower of different green maraons. When the time came I would walk down the aisle to a song cannon in d major with both my parents by my side. His kids would be there of course, a little flower girl & page boy (whatever they’re called these days). Our families so proud & happy for us that we are truly happy together – especially his family that he is truly with someone supportive, loving & caring. He would kiss me when I got to the end of aisle, none of the traditional waiting till the end of the ceremony, I have been with him long enough, I don’t need to wait till the end of the ceremony to kiss him. I hate that awkward moment when the bride gets to her groom & they just stand there looking at each other, I want a moment with my soon to be husband. (Even though we’ve probably had sex this morning! & kissed a lot today. Hahaha)

During the ceremony we can’t take our eyes off each other, we are so in love, so in tune with each other, nothing else exists but us. He is looking at me just like she wants in that movie 27 Dresses. Like no one else in the world has ever looked so beautiful. We say those vows, vows we write for each other. It would be an amazing day. When we kiss again at the end when they say you may now kiss, I know I am kissing the last man that I am ever going to love. 

We would eat the cheese & macarons, with a live band that I had selected from my friends 40th birthday, she had her aunty & partner, a two piece, do some acoustic songs & I would have them as the music. There would be minimal speeches, both of us not wanting to have the day drained with the usual formalities of a wedding, no garter or bouquet toss. But there would be a first dance with my Husband. – OMG I love calling him my my husband. My song would come on from my favourite band Muse called Aftermath, it has a long intro & it’s sort of like a scene from a movie, where a guy is looking for someone in the crowd then they crowd parts & there she is… Well that would happen – of course, he’d ask me to dance & we’d dance to this song, he’d hold me close, I would know I am safe & with the man who truly loves me.

Here’s the song for those who like to listen while reading!

(The film clip is a bit weird, but listen to the words & it’s just beautiful.)

After everyone has gone & someone is baby sitting his kids, we’d go to the bedroom or hotel & make love the only way we know how, hot, hard, steamy, kinky & sexy. The kind of sex you all like to hear about, but of course it would be us connecting in the deepest way we can.

He would now be wearing a ring I gave him & I would be wearing his, the most sexy thing for me on a man is sometimes knowing he’ll wear a wedding ring. The rings mean something to me, I know it’s supposed to be a symbol of your love for one another & as corny as that it, I truly believe that wearing his ring is more than a symbol. I know he’ll wear the ring & be super proud to have me by his side for our marriage. The wedding day just a blip in our story but a day where we think of nothing else but each other, about what we’re committing to – what we’ve already committed too. Our lives are already intertwined, even though we don’t have kids together, we have built a family.
So I also dreamed of the honeymoon, as you all know I am a very keen traveller, I usually travel as a backpacker or something equally as cheap, never spending an extravagant amount on any sort of travel I do, however my honeymoon is different. I have always dreamed of going to Bora Bora. I hear it’s super expensive to go, but because we only care about the marriage, not the wedding day, we’ve saved enough to splurge on a week in Bora Bora, in a hut over the sea, that I wear nothing but a bikini & I feel so sexy because this man adores me & thinks I am the sexiest thing he’s ever seen. We’d have room service, cocktails & make kinky love everyday.

Now I know people cheat (obviously) – whoa, way to change the subject from that blissful romantic setting… But I know marriages fall apart – sometimes quickly, sometimes they take a while. I am not pretending it is, nor have not said the word “perfect” in this post at all. I don’t believe that anything is perfect, nor should it be. Our wedding day & marriage would be what we make it. But I genuinely believe that on your own wedding day regardless of anything that happens in the future with the marriage, on the wedding day you think of nothing else than your future with your partner in front of you – the person you want to spend your life with. Nothing else or no one else crosses your mind. The day is perfect in your eyes.

There is nothing more I wanted than to entwine my life with Silverlining & have him call me his wife. Not just because he doesn’t like the word Fiance, but because I am genuinely & legally his wife. Someone he can rely on, trust & be honest with – be equal with, a relationship that includes no games or manipulation. No lies, no tracking phones, no bullshit, open honest communication even when it hurts – we’re good at that because the make up sex is amazing.
I know that this post is all about what I want. I am obviously open to what he wants on the day, such as the winery idea however, this is just my dream, just me hopes for the day. Where ever we got married would be alright with me. We are committing to each other, to be really honest, if he wanted to elope or just do it at the registry office, I would do whatever he wanted.
Our life post wedding, wouldn’t be all roses & rainbows or good times… I know that! We are very different people, but we’ve adapted to living together prior to getting married, me with my neat freakishness & him with is hoarding messy lifestyle. But we work well together. We have his kids week on, week off – unfortunately that’s probably not been smooth sailing with his ex partner, but we make it work & we make sure his kids are in his life as much as possible. Making sure they are in her life too. I never want them to forget either parent.
We are a team. A unit. No hiding messages or deleting apps daily. We are who we want to be. We aren’t happy every day & we might fight sometimes, but we always are a partnership.

As the song goes ‘From this moment, you will never be alone, bound together, now & forever, the loneliness has gone.’

#IBD4U

Some of you get it & some of you don’t! Some of you are saying here we go again, some of you are excited like me about the prospect of this being more than another affair or just getting some answers or closure. I don’t know what it is going to be, if anything. But man oh man, I want to see Silverlining. But can I see him just once more & be ok? Will all those feelings come rushing back? I mean they are already back but if I see him will that change things? Will I be as in love with him as I once was? Would it change anything? Has the time apart changed anything?

I’ve made it no secret that I haven’t gotten over him & never will, he’s said the same to me too, so it shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you that I am back here again, regardless of the reason, I am back here & I am fully prepared for what might happen.

Silverlining is still telling me what a burden he would’ve been on me, his debt, having to live with me rent free, his kids, He says that he has too much pride & is stubborn – this I know! He says that he was surprised that the chemistry came back so easily too, but that’s how he knew it was me he was talking too. I tell him that he wouldn’t have been rent free with me but we would’ve made it work, I was in no way going to pay off his debt for him but we would’ve worked it out. I tell him the kids weren’t a burden for me, as much as I don’t want kids of my own, I always pictured his kids with my family & living with us week on week off, if she allowed that, I guess. He says that it was nice seeing me that day with his kids. I tell him again that it wasn’t up to him to decide what I was willing to take on, I knew what I was in for, to be honest, the debt & kids were the least of the worries, what worried me more was the crazy woman who knows where I live & where he would be living. I didn’t care about the debt or child support, all that stuff is just part of life, but the nutso that would probably drive past when we had the kids or try to keep them from him would be the hardest struggle for both of us, however I was prepared for that. He tells me that he did make that decision for me, that it’s not my fault & I blame myself way too much, he has self-esteem issues, which I know he does. I say that if I hadn’t of been protecting myself & he knew that I was having fantasies about living with him then he I wouldn’t have any regrets. He says that he doesn’t think it would’ve changed anything, after she pulled the stunt, he pretty much says that he wasn’t going anywhere – not in those except words but I know because he’s said the same before.

Since he’s mentioned before that he read our emails again recently, I am reminded of the gifs & videos I sent to that email so that he could keep them & watch when ever he wanted being that he couldn’t save anything on his phone or anywhere else, this email was & is something she doesn’t know about. He says “Yep … The gifs omg … Let’s not talk about that … lol. I actually just got a semi thinking about them wtf” I laugh & remind me of the hottest one where I licked his cock from the balls to the tip & then sucked it in while in front of the mirror. All he replies with is my name. I literally burst out laughing & say his back. He says “Seriously. Shhhh. Just had to tuck my cock into my belt ffs” I haven’t thought about those pictures for a long time, having deleted everything off my phone, I still have it all on a USB in case something happened to me, my sister would have them but at least it wasn’t easy access in my cloud or something. I say that “We had some good times… White dress, car wash, you in your suit, pool table…. Hmmmm!” & I know what he is going to reply, it’s my name with extra letters of my name at the end like IBD4UUUUUUUU. “I’m going to have to jerk off to you next time bitch lol” I tell him that we were always very sexual & every time we fought we just fucked & it was ok. “lol seemed to solve our issues. Seriously tho … Don’t make me want to fuck you so bad lol” I know he’s added the lol because he wants it & is testing the waters with me, to see if I’d do it, without asking. Would I fuck him again? I’d definitely see him, which I’m pretty sure would lead to sex eventually, I think it’s inevitable to be honest with you, if we even meet for a genuine coffee (not that either of drink coffee). It’s not a good idea but I genuinely think about it.

I remind him about the one & only time we fucked in the car to the song Periscope. That I was desperate to tell him I was madly in love with him but even though we were nose to nose, sharing the most intimate thing a couple can do & listening to the song that made him realise he loved me & I couldn’t say it. He says “You should of told me. I do wish we had held hands … I’m surprised we never did. I tried to hold affection back so much from you. But lucky for you I always gave it to you“ He did always show me more affection than I showed him. I played with his hair sometimes in the car, but didn’t know if he liked it or not. He says he struggled but he did it. I struggled & obviously still struggle because I can’t show Motocross any affection. I tell him that the last day I ever saw him at my house & I was rubbing his back, that it took everything I had in me to do that. I tell him it was hard for me, I mean I was the other woman, always feeling never quite good enough, you know because if I was good enough, he would’ve left her. He says “Like I’m such a loser , I even went and got you a pack of cheezels once after fucking you” I remind him “That was like the sweetest thing ever… I loved that you did that.” He says that he didn’t want to get too attached, neither did I & he didn’t want me to get too attached, he says “Massive fail there” we both got attached, the cheezel thing was very early on, like only about the 4 or 5 time that we fucked. He says “I rubbed your back a lot … and clit.” I say that there isn’t a part of my body he hasn’t touched, he tells me not to talk about touching my body because his hard on just died down. Then he says “I loved the way you cummed … The way you squirted. Ok. It’s back again …” I say that he’s the only man I’ve ever looked in they eyes while fucking before. He says that he struggles with looking anyone in the eye & I remind him that we did, not early on but we did look at each other a lot, when I begged him to let me cum when he was teasing me, or the first time we came together on the couch, I said that was when I realised we were making love, even though the sex was hot, sexy & hard. “Fuck how early were we making love” He replies with an emoji. I say that I’ve never cum with another guy before at the same time, but I think we had feelings for each other before we even met. He says “Umm. I’d agree with that. There was a strong connection there. We really liked each other. It’s not often you cum with someone at the same time. That’s a rare connection. You can’t deny I didn’t love you now …” Yeah I guess so, that’s a rare connection but if I had it before with someone, which it sounds like he hasn’t, then I’d never want to give that up. I didn’t want to give that up. I say that clearly that connection is still present, but I just find it hard to believe he felt like I did if he was ok to give that connection up. He replies “Really because men don’t pack up there shit ready to leave their wife for no reason. Or for good sex… “ OMG I’m so sick of hearing he was leaving her for me… I snap “You did that cos she went through your phone & found messages (Saying he still loved me to someone else on the chat app) Not because you wanted to be with me” He can’t deny that. He wasn’t leaving her till his partner went through his phone & he hadn’t deleted the chat app. “It was the final nail in the coffin … Final push I needed. I wanted to be with you dumbass.” Yet he went back. “Things get complicated sometimes” But the truth is, he didn’t believe my love for him, that’s why he went back, now it’s his turn to snap “Would you shut the fuck up . It wasn’t that. Stop fucking blaming yourself.” I know that he was scared of losing his kids, there was no way after a stunt like that she’d get awarded custody. But he says that he didn’t want to take that risk “And now you know why I ghosted you because of this. *waves our connection around*” I actually laugh at the thought of him waving his hands around. He says he had to ghost me. I remind him how angry he got at me for suggesting that we ghost each other if the affair went pear shaped, he went nuts at me. “Well what do you expect , I was madly in love with love with you. And the only reason you wanted to do it was for the SAME EXACT reason. So don’t judge me” with a smiley emoji. I literally smile at the fact that he is now all uppity about it. He says it’s a bad idea what we’re doing right now. I still struggle to believe he’s thinking about me still after all this time, I ask what he thought of reading those emails, he says his standard “No comment” I tell him that I’m not accepting that & he says “You poured your fucking heart out. They are hard to read. But I know you loved me very much . More than I ever could have ever imagined. You talk about raising my kids , a wedding … I knew after those emails how much you loved me. Haha no sex was mentioned tho. But I found the gifs too” He tells me not to read the emails if I can help it, even with his lack of empathy they were hard for him to read. I tell him that I did want to marry him & have his kids in my life. He says that he knows. But I think he only knows because he re-read them, I’m glad he did because at the time, I know he would’ve just read them & his self esteem would’ve stopped him from believing anything contained in them, now that he has perspective, he can actually read the content without being negative about what was going on in his life. It’s actually a relief to be honest, regardless of what happens next, I am thankful he’s re-read them & thought about how I felt back then, how I still feel…

#IBD4U

It’s so true. No one will ever know what another person really goes through. As much as I share my intimate details here, you’re all objective when you think about what has happened with Silverlining. That’s easy, I’m completely objective & give the best advice when friends ask. However I am not objective here, I am seeing the ripped up dreams of being with the man I love quietly sticky tapped back together. If that becomes a reality or if I am set for another heart break, I don’t know. However, I don’t want any more regrets.

I say that the universe is fucked. FUCKING UNIVERSE! I mean it’s been a year, what does it mean to pull us together again as strangers? If it was as ourselves, in a park or supermarket or something, I don’t think it would mean as much, but the fact that we were strangers for 2 weeks before we admitted it was each other & saw each other at the show, I mean that fucking means something, but what?

I tell him “The thing that killed me the most was you sneaking into my house to get your stuff then saying ‘at least we got a kiss goodbye’ like fuck, I wanted to kill you. I saw your stuff gone & crumbled.” It was like a scene from a movie, I slid down a wall & howled. He had messaged to say that he got his stuff back so I knew it was gone, that he’d snuck into my house & took it but actually seeing it all gone when it was only here for less than 24 hours was an unbelievable sight. He says that he’s sorry that I had him so close “I felt so bad … You have no idea.”  I don’t think he felt bad at all, but he says that he struggles with empathy, which I knew already. He says that he didn’t cry when he was caught, he was upset that he was caught but not by what he’d done. “She thinks I’m a psychopath based on my actions … My lack of empathy , I didn’t care I had cheated on her.” I don’t believe this, I mean I know he doesn’t show emotion & I was always surprised that he even could say that he loved me based on his childhood but he didn’t give a shit what happened to me, but cared about what happened to her, he says “Yet I ended up at your house with all my stuff … So did I really care that much about her. I give a shit, gave a shit. I struggle with empathy, not my strongest point. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or care for you.” I am angry again. “You ended up here because you didn’t want your family to know & you used me that day… It was never about actually wanting to be with me. Was convenient. & as always, I was available for you.” He tells me that he didn’t use me that day – which he’s told me before when I said similar, that he isn’t lying after all the time. He asks if I know how hard it was for him to tell me that he loved me or that he was breaking up with his partner of 10 years which is why I fucking snap “You should’ve stayed home, broken up with her then come to me. You can see it your own way Silverlining, but you used me!” I get the predicament he was in, but they were texting non-stop & when he put his phone down to pay me some attention, she called him incessantly, it’d ring out then she’d call again & again until he replied to her texts, all day while he was at my house. He never answered her calls, except by accident & she was sobbing. It pissed me off because he brought the kids to my house & I looked after the 2 month old baby while he messaged her – all fucking day. His reply hits me “If all this is true why do you still love me?”  While I 100% can answer this, I know why I still love him, it still knocks me for a six. “I know it must’ve been hard because it was hard for me to say it too… So fucking hard that I used the stupid heart emoji all the time. Because I can’t just turn off how I feel about you because you hurt me…. It was epic for me. Absolutely changed my life & who I am.”

I always used the heart emoji instead of the word love because I didn’t want to get too involved with him, because we both knew it was wrong, but I one day thought that our love would conquer all the bullshit & we would be together. He says “I had no idea how much you loved me , I knew you loved me. And I knew that you knew I loved you. I just assumed I had made you loveable , and equipped you with the emotional skills and sexyness to easily move on and you’d be fine. My god you were sexy. And I opened you up and know I made you feel capable of love … and being loved. I saw it in your eyes when you saw me … It was also the cause of frustration towards the end.” I knew he didn’t realise how much I loved him, it’s my regret for not telling him more, knowing he needed to hear it, also I needed to say it, just as much as he needed to hear it, I needed to say it to remind myself that this was something special for both of us.

I tell him that I know he didn’t believed how much I loved him, because I didn’t say it. But I was protecting myself & also I was really scared because I knew that with his self-esteem issues that make him believe that people don’t care for him, (I know that sounds narcissistic, but you don’t know his full story – so while I agree he is a narcissist sometimes, there are some reasons behind it.) when push came to shove, he wouldn’t believe my love for him, he says that he knows I loved him but he realises now that he didn’t know how much, because I held that back – protecting myself. Have I done this with others like Noddy or Motocross? Then they pull away because I don’t give too much of myself? I’ve been single a long time, Silverlining knows that I am set in my ways, that always scared him too. Maybe that scares others too?!

I also tell him that I felt like I loved him more than he loved me, I mean he had a whole other life with a partner & kids, that I felt like I was more in it than he was, I mean he always said he wouldn’t leave here. I curse the fact that I never told him face to face & tell him that I regret that more than he would believe. He says that he knew I loved him even though I didn’t say it, “I just thought I was the idiot who loved you more. I had no idea you were also having fantasies of us living together… You have no idea how much I pictured it while I was at our house.”  FUCK, would things be different if I opened up? Perhaps, perhaps not, but I wish I wasn’t so closed & now I’m thinking I’m too closed with Motocross… Would things be different with Motocross if I just asked the awkward questions & opened up? Is it too late for a happy ending with Motocross?! Or would the be the same because he’s a douche?

I tell Silverlining that I pictured him & his kids here on a Sunday night when I was with my nieces & nephews who are about the same age, I imagined them playing together. I tell him that I wanted him more than I wanted anything, that it hurt me when he used me being clean & tidy as one of the reasons not to be with me. He says that it was his children that influenced his decision more than anything – which I knew & understood. They were part of the reason I stopped emailing him too. He looked at every negative aspect that he would have on my life & tried to convince himself that he wasn’t good enough for me. “That’s not your fault. It’s mine” I just can’t help but wonder, if I had been more open about wanting him in my life, if I had of been more open about telling him how much I love him, would things have gone down differently? Or would they be there same but with less regret & therefore no need to talk to him now? He says that he didn’t want to burden me, he didn’t want to scab off me, he felt like all the debt he had would do that to me. I tell him that I have some restraint that I didn’t tell the stranger everything when he asks why I didn’t say this to him, he says “You’re good with restraints”  & just like that we’re back to being flirty & cheeky, just like we were. He says he can’t believe that I can flirt with him after everything, I reply “I flirt because we have stupid insane chemistry. I can’t help it. If you asked to meet me, I probably would. Your my drug, I’m a junkie. I can’t resist.”

And just like Alice…

I fall down the rabbit hole once more.

#IBD4U

I will be honest with you (which I always am way too honest here but you know what I mean, hahaha) I struggled so much with the decision to write the Silverlining chapters of my #IBD4U story. It’s not easy writing about something when you know what has actually happend in real life. Good or bad. So I wasn’t going to write about this at all – gloss over it, skip a few months, especially since I know the reaction from some readers already. This is going to be hard for some of you to read now we know who he is, this is going to be hard for me to write, this is just going to be hard – moving forward! But remember, you are reading my diary, none of us can change it! This is emotional for me too, I have been through a lot, not only with Silverlining in the past, but think about all the douches I have dated since, no winder I am still in love with him.Imagine being my friend in real life & living this shit with me?! How many said what you have said in the comments on Facebook. I lied to a lot of people about chatting to him again, about wanting to see him again, wanting to kiss him again, wanting to tell him I love him to his face. For an oversharer like me, as you can may have been able to tell, I am pretty much like this in real life, I dominate conversations & talk about myself a lot (not on purpose, but I have a lot of stories). I don’t often go into as much detail in real life, depending on the audience, but I generally am very open. So lying – not actually lying, but not telling the whole story, to people close to me at this time, is not at all in my nature. I hate it. & maybe that should be a sign that I am questioning what I am doing or know that it is not right. However, nothing has ever felt as good as being in love with Silverlining. No matter how heartbreaking it was, those 18 months with him were some of the best times of my life. Admitting I love him still is so fucking hard, I mean, I don’t want to love him after what has happened, but that fucking heart of mine was opened & now I can’t close it to him!He tells me that he avoided anything on the anonymous app that resembled me, I tell him that I haven’t used the app in months in fear of seeing him, especially since I just assume that he’s happy & over me. “I will never get over you but anyways” FUCK! Why is he still with her if that’s the case?! I tell him that it’s almost 12 months to the day since we stopped emailing, he says that he’s been reading them recently & suggests I don’t read them again if I can help it, that they’re really hard to read.He asks when I worked out it was him, I had my suspicions from the first message when he said something about squirting like a porn star, no one has ever used that phrase with me before. He says he could tell from the first conversation with me but not the first message – he said he never 100% knew but was suspicious, I mean I didn’t know for sure either, but I was super suspicious & was lured in right away. I tell him that I just knew it was him after I saw him at the show, I just knew, but I wanted him to expose himself before I said who I was but I could tell from the times he was online that it was him, it was blatantly obvious.I say that I was glad to get some stuff off my chest that he couldn’t really respond too without telling me who he is, he even says that I got mad when he told me who he was. Well of course I did! I was fucking furious that he has catfished me! I mean he had a massive go at me for apparently doing it to him & chatting to his partner, I mean how dare he do it to me & it be ok! Although I suppose I did know it was him too, but I was 100% myself. Spilling the beans about my Epic Love.But stupidly I have calmed down a bit about the catfishing, I mean this is the man I love – despite what I should be feeling, he makes me fucking angry & calm all at the same time. I tell him that I noticed it was him because of how the commas aren’t ever against the word, there’s always a space, he says he doesn’t know how that happens but he also noticed that I would stop chatting or not reply when I knew he was offline. I tell him that I was never going to admit it was me, I am stubborn, I know he is too so I’m not sure why he’s always the first one to admit it, he even says “Eh someone had to admit the truth and it’s always me first” Yeah because I didn’t want to stop talking to him just yet, I know we need to stop but not just yet! I tell him that I needed him to know somethings about how I feel about us & he says that he has some demons about what happened with us too, so I’m not alone. I also tell him that it was obvious how he kept calling me a loser all the time, he always did that & did that a lot while pretending to give me advice about Motocross. He said he tried not to call me a loser because he knew that was a dead giveaway, which it was, I mean some of the phrases he used, you wouldn’t use with a stranger, but only with someone you knew intimately. He made it obvious that it was him.He laughs about trying to back out once I pretended that I didn’t know what he meant. He says that he tried to back out because he genuinely thought I didn’t realise that it was him.I open up “A year later after we stopped emailing, you are still trolling online for something… It fucking hurts me deeply to know you’re not 100% happy & never will be with her. I knew you knew it was me, so wanted you to think I’d moved on… I’ve told you I’m emotionally retarded. You knew this from day one with me. Was never a secret. Who wants to be the loser still pinning for their married ex whatever, a year & a half after he broke your heart?” I am hurt, I am distraught that he is looking for a connection online, whatever that connection is, he is looking for something & the fact that he’s not coming to me for that hurts. I mean I get that we said we wanted to be friends but lets face it, that never works & we would never be able to be friends. As much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can just be friends with him. He says he’s not trolling online, but filling time at work. (We talk about our work issues later so I realise that this is exactly what he is doing. Filling time, just like I am.)I ask him “Why is it always so hard for you to realise my feelings for you?” he says that he doesn’t find it hard – which I call bull shit but he says “Why is it so hard to realize yours for me?” FUCK! I tell him that I do know my feelings for him, I mean I am always thinking about my fucking feelings for him! They are always in the forefront of my mind, they are always in my heart, hurting me every time I think about not being with him. He asks “Why do you not think I epically loved you? I loved you so much #IBD4U and it got to the point where I couldn’t hide it from you even know I knew I was meant to. And I will always love you. It’s something that will never go away.” Now is the time to get some other things off my chest, he’s talking consistently with me, I don’t know how much longer it will last, I mean this morning he revealed himself, tomorrow he may not log back on after this or worse he might ghost me… I don’t know what will happen but we still have things to say. I am angry again that he says he’ll always love me, I say “You said to me that you’d never let me walk away, that you were into deep… The first test & you let me walk. I don’t care about the excuses why, if it was epic for you as it was for me then you never would’ve let it go. There was always some doubt about me for you, which is why you chose the way you did…” He tells me what I need to hear & stupidly I know it’s probably bullshit, that this man is a smooth talker, but he tells me “It was a series of unfortunate events and the situation I was in that lead me to the path I took. It was never you. I wish you never blamed yourself. And you had me so close its funny. You had my bags in your house …” & my reply to him, “That’s what hurts the most”, it’s so excruciating knowing how close I was to my potential happy ever after & he tried to change the subject by saying that people will kill me for talking to him – yeah they probably will… “People never understood why I loved you… Especially after what you did to me… No one understands what we went through, besides us… No one will ever understand why I need to talk to you now… I don’t think you even will fully understand it. But I think you need to talk to me too… We both knew it was each other & made no attempts to stop talking.”

#IBD4U

This is a bit premature in the story timeline with Silverlining but I know you all want a Motocross post to find out what is happening with him! So this is a shorter one, because I don’t want to give too much away but you need some answers to your questions! Hahaha.

My family don’t end up coming over on Sunday so I send Motocross a text being that I sort of expected to hear from him later in the evening about when he is coming over, he hasn’t ever bailed or not come over when he said he would, he’s been quite consistent and regular actually, why would tonight be any different?! What woman at this point, wouldn’t think this is going somewhere?! I’m not sure what men are thinking, I do have some male readers & would love your opinion of this guy, is Silverlining right about Motocross?

I leave it till really late in the afternoon to message him. “Hey, my family isn’t coming over tonight… If you’re keen to catch up earlier tonight” He replies that he’s just about to finish his last ride (WHAT?!) & he’ll come after that. Even his lies are getting confused, wasn’t he in Darwin this weekend? Now is he trying to say that he’s been riding at the show? Because the rides were much later than this when I went to the show last weekend. Fuck, I have to get to the bottom of this. Ok so tonight is the night, I am going to ask him some questions I need to find out what the deal is with this dude because honestly, it’s doing my head in.

At 6:30 pm he comes over, no kiss, ho hug hello, as usual we sit on the opposite ends of the couch & he talks at nauseum about his cousin who had a stroke, he talks about Melbourne & his trip there but not his trip to Darwin, he talks so much oddly – the most he’s ever talked really, in detail & genuinely seems sad about what’s going on in his life, that I just don’t get to ask him anything about us (for lack of a better word), I know you all hate me for not doing so, I hate me too, I mean I deserve some answers to my questions, however, how can I ask what the fuck is going on when he has talked at length about his cousin who is possibly dying, who is my age?! FUCK. Motocross sort of finally opening up… When he isn’t talking about his cousin, he’s asking me about my trip to Brisbane. Like he knows I am going to ask him questions. He asks where I am staying, what I’m doing there & how long I am going to be there, so many questions & the way he asks, almost like he is hinting for an invitation.

When he finally stops talking, he makes a move on me & we kiss. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 weeks – which is like a lifetime for me but we have seen each other a fair few times so I’m still not sure what the whole no sex thing is about. The sex isn’t that great tonight to be honest. He doesn’t even seem to get as hard as he usually does, I don’t even cum – not bothering to even try at this point. But lying there afterwards he says that he felt revirginised. I assume that’s a good thing that he now feels no longer like a virgin?! I mean he’s seen me, we could’ve had sex, it’s not like I’ve been turning him down!

I get up quicker than I usually would, I tend to wait for the guy to make the move to leave, but this time I am actually over this guy… I mean what is his deal, he didn’t get that hard, he doesn’t seem interested, I now know that Silverlining is Noodle, I am done trying to work out what Motocross wants. I don’t know what is going to happen with Silverlining, but I know that I don’t ever want a relationship like Motocross is offering me.

I stand in front of the heater, in the most unsexy pjs I could find & bend over (I don’t remember why now, but I remember bending over – probably warming up my hands) I also recall with Boyfriend every time I bent over to do something mundane like pack our dishwasher, he would dry hump me from behind, I always thought it was weird & didn’t understand it – I guess because it was the first time I had lived with a man. Now I know that this is what men do, even if you’ve just fucked them, that it’s now weird when I bend over & a guy I’m with doesn’t dry hump my ass from behind with a boyish giggle.

As I stand up though, Motocross comes up behind me like he knows that I am not feeling this with him or something, he hugs be from behind & I find myself leaning back into him. FUCK. He says goodbye & walks to the door hugging me again a goodbye saying he’ll message me tomorrow. I laugh & he says what. I mean I’ve had this conversation with him before. I have told him not to say he’ll message if he’s not going too because I will wait for the message like a loser. So tonight I just say you won’t message so don’t say you will. He says he will, I roll my eyes knowing he won’t & by 11:30 pm he is gone.

I am now on holidays for three weeks from work, just for some time off & to go to Brisbane to visit my friends. I have to go into work to do some things on the Monday & I wait for him to message – all fucking day, you guessed it, I never get a message. I am honestly going to just let him go, but when “Spoiler Alert” I organise to catch up with Silverling & it doesn’t happen (story to come obviously) I feel shit about myself & text Motocross “Hey, thanks for the message yesterday hahaha. Just wondering what you’re up too? My friend just bailed on lunch & I’m now just sitting at home. Wondered if you’re free?” I’m dressed, I look pretty, why waste it?! He replies 20 minutes later saying “Hey Yeeah actually through about it last night but was to late to message I thought. I’m doing supercross testing today with me mechanic. I’m sorry I’m not free tho” I don’t reply, which maybe I should’ve but I don’t & then I don’t hear from him again.

But again feeling sorry for myself, later in the week when my family are leaving & ask how his week was. He says that he’s had a good week & flying home tomorrow, meaning he’s not in Adelaide to see me like he usually does. I tell him that I go away Wednesday afternoon that if he would like to catch up before I go, to let me know. He replies the next say saying we’ll see how we go. I am like you’re a fuckwit Motocross I’m done with this so I write back “Well, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to catch up, I’m not going to keep making all the plans.” I expect that I’ll never hear from him again, but when my phone starts buzzing 30 minutes later, it’s fucking Motocross! WHAT THE FUCK does he want?! We chat for a bit & he says that he really wants to catch up but he’s not in Adelaide at the moment, he apologises & seems sincere then he says that he ‘was going to surprise my in Brisbane.’ Stupidly, I am a fuck wit who smiles like a wanker, then gives out my itinerary. So he didn’t need to call, that was his out to ghost me, so surely this guy is sincere?

OMG, he’s going to come ‘surprise’ me in Brisbane, this is so exciting! I start thinking about how the logistics of this will work… Am I just a loser thinking he will actually come?!

#IBD4U

I know Silverlining (As he will now be called because I can’t handle calling him Noodle anymore) has two kids with this woman, but how is it ever ok that you have to stop your partner from going to someone else’s house with the intent to harm them? Or calling them a crazy bitch when you have chosen to stay with her!? How can he even want to be with someone like that? How can she want to be with someone like him? How can I even want to be with someone like him? I get that I fucked her partner very regularly for 18 months & after she found out about us we still talked for a further 6 months (which I’m not sure she knows that part but surely she has to know that he didn’t just cut someone off she knows he loved cold turkey), but I am not the enemy here. He did that to her, I didn’t have any commitment to her, I have no ties with her, I have never lied to her, I don’t even know her. HE is the one committed to her, disrespecting & betraying her.

This is the part of cheating I hate & don’t think I could get over – to think about what he might be saying about me. I can’t honestly say that if it wasn’t me cheating with Silverlining 18 months ago, it would have been someone else, I do believe he is loyal & not a player, that we got caught up in it by having that chemistry online, I don’t think he genuinely was looking to actually cheat on her. I mean he could’ve had multiple affairs with people on the chat app while seeing me but didn’t & I stopped seeing other people too because of our where our relationship went, our chemistry & our passion. I mean I also hate to think about what Silverlining has told his partner about me, I mean he says he’s told her as little as possible but I’m assuming if he’s calling the woman he’s been with for 10 years a crazy bitch, imagine what he’s saying about me to her!?

I am very well aware of what I should do, what you all will tell me to do in the comments on Facebook after you’ve read this. Some of you get it though, some of you don’t understand the pull I have with him that I need to see this through, I don’t know what might happen at this point, but I have to at least talk to him & get some answers, get some closure maybe? I will own everything I do, I don’t share my story for your judgement or your recommendations, but I want you all to know, I am not perfect, Silverlining is not perfect. Nothing is perfect, I make mistakes & I’m almost sure that what ever happens here is going to be a mistake, but sometimes, we need to make mistakes. Motocross is being a weirdo, I have no idea what his game is & here the universe has brought back the only man I’ve ever loved, the man I am still in love with. I know that you all think he’s a dick & hate him… There are personal things I won’t ever share on here about him & I, (I know that seems ridiculous since I talked about our sex life so much, but that’s not as intimate as peoples deep dark secrets) I mean to be honest, posting on the blog about someone you’re talking too is so fucking hard! I was posting the Noodle series when I am talking to him in real life last September & it freaks me out that he’ll find it & read it & hate me for this outlet (Which I know you will all say not to worry but I have shared some pretty intimate details that I can’t take back now.) A guy friend once said to me never to tell anyone ever about this blog, so take it to the grave.

Now I’m scared about posting about him the first time & him finding out about it while talking to me the second time… If he found out when weren’t talking, it’s no big deal but he is back in my life for some reason. A reason that might not be good, I don’t know however he is back & that means something… But I am fucking angry at him, he tells me over & over that he protected me as much as he could. I get more & more furious saying he wouldn’t have to protect me if he didn’t show her where I lived. I tell him he’s deluded if he thinks bring a mentally ill person to my house is protecting me, he apologises & backs down knowing I am right “She manipulated me and wanted to make a point to you. She gave me an ultimatum, I avoided it and didn’t want to do it.” He did fucking not avoid it, he could’ve got his stuff on the way to pick her up in the morning, he could’ve got his stuff back via my sister or just let it go. She wanted him to hurt me & it worked, he did. I ask what the ultimatum was but I already know what he’s going to say “I have to get my shit back on the way back from the hospital otherwise she’s gone with the kids” I tell him that she wouldn’t have gotten custody of the kids anyway, she just pulled a stunt & landed in hospital, to be honest I was super surprised she got out that quickly. He genuinely says sorry about what he did to me, he was under a lot of pressure which I get, I mean she’s not mentally stable, he felt trapped. I tell him that this is why I doubt what we had & how he felt, he just told me himself that men lie, I tell him that he lied to her, me & that I’m 100% sure he used me for sex for a year. He says that “We have always been too honest with each other. I don’t need to lie to you to feel better about myself. I never used you for sex. I fucking loved you. I enjoyed sitting in the car talking to you more than I enjoyed fucking you. I thought about you every moment, you were my fucking world. And I got so fucking close to leaving for you , I had my shit and my kids in your house. I never used you for sex. We were friends before we had sex.” I know what you’re all thinking, what a manipulator he is, how he’s boosting his own ego… But even as ice queen #IBD4U, I melt a little bit, I am literally even more hurt from these comments “Yeah so close, yet so far… You ere so scared of being alone.” He says that he’s not scared about being alone but he thinks of me all the fucking time but he also just thinks I am fucking everyone. I say “Just as a side note, you look fucking amazing… I hope she tells you everyday.” He says he thinks he looks the same & says that I am amazing, I shouldn’t doubt myself. I tell him that when I saw him at the show, he looked good & I wish I told him more. “I hate that I always wrote I ♥ you. I should’ve told you every single time we saw each other. We said it once face to face… Once. I still see your expression when you said it to me that day at my house while holding the baby.” He says that the knows what the heart meant, but like I said it’s one of my regrets with him, I know he knew what it meant, but remember the movie Ghost, when Patrick Swazye only every says ditto?! She knew he loved her but she needed to hear it. Silverlining, always needed that reassurance, I should’ve known better, he needed to hear it.

He says that the thinks he’s fatter than ever, but I say he’s definitely not looking fatter. He says that he didn’t look at me because he felt me over there & thought it would be too hard to see me, but she asked him right away if it was me, which he denied seeing me, she was apparently shitty for about an hour & then he told her she was being paranoid – WOW. But she had also said in the carpark when they got there that they were going to see me. How odd, I mean I didn’t even know I was going when I was still lying in bed chatting to him on the app… So weird that she felt like she was going to see me too! But he says that it happens all the time, she freaks out & says that she just saw #IDB4U (But actually uses my name!) I tell him that I haven’t eaten, stress does that to me & I lost 10kgs when we ended the first time, that I’ve lost a couple of kgs since chatting to him & seeing him at the show, however work is my main stressor at the moment, which is causing me to only be able to eat, as my boss calls my breakfast sludge. An avocado smoothie. The only way I can force myself to eat something.

He says that he’s going through some stuff at work too but he’s been eating a lot & his pants are too tight now. I tell him that I was shaking like a leaf at the show after I saw him & was freaking out that I’d see him again, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed for the fireworks, I felt like he’d gone home & so I checked the app & sure enough he had messaged me, so I knew he was home. “Can you do me a favour and get something tasty to eat for lunch” FUCK! He still cares, I mean I know this is fucked, but fuck, the fact that he’s worried about me, makes me fucking melt a little more. I tell him how good my mum was at the show when I was shaking & couldn’t eat, he asks what my sister says about it. I just say that she told me to stop talking to this guy whoever he is, Silverlining says “You shouldn’t be talking to me” I say that I am hyped up unable to eat because I am scared he’s going to ghost me again that it makes my tummy churn. “You shouldn’t be talking to me either…” We really need to stop, not chat… “Nope but yet here we are. #IBD4U Fuck me. Not literally… But fuck… Time is meant to heal“ Well we all know, it doesn’t… I tell him that he was the one that chose to end it badly, it was only a matter of time before we were drawn back together, especially if he is still online. “You really love me that much still?” I want to reply no, I want to tell him he’s an asshole that I hate his guts. I want to hate his guts, I want to hate everything about him but I just fucking don’t. I wish I did, I know this is stupid but I can’t stop my fingers from typing “As much as I don’t want too, yeah I do love you.”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

So I know I asked what post you wanted on Facebook last night, I was going to leave you all hanging with what the fuck is going on here with Silverlining, but this post fits better in with the timeline, so I have to give you this story first before a Motocross post – but I have made it longer for you! I am dying to tell you both at the same time, trust me, I want you all to know, however I do need to build up some intrigue! But it’s seriously like someone is having a good ol laugh when it comes to the story of my life!

That message… My breath catches… I can’t even think straight right now… I stare at that last message from Silverlining for about 20 minutes… “At what point do we stop pretending” Yeah… What does that even mean? Does it mean that it’s Noodle? My heart starts beating like a maniac. I mean is he finally going to say who he is? I thought he was stubborn?! Hahaha, I knew he would crack first… Should I play dumb? Should I tell him who I am?

I gather up some of my equilibrium & actually form a reasonable response – even though I am a little angry at him for his messages prior to the reveal. “For the record, I didn’t mention my ex then, you did. & yes while he’s a lot of my problem, which I don’t usually talk about, it’s also the ‘desperation’ (for lack of a better word) to be treated better too. Find a partner, like you said, I do want companionship. Since my ex I’ve been with a lot of men, 3-4 stand out idiots which make me think about what I had with him. Which wasn’t entirely good with my ex but at least it was real. I’m not really that forgiving, but I’m trying not to be so judgey of MC, yeah this guy lied, but he was at my house, it’s not like he lied to not see me… That would be douchy & I’d be pissed but he was actually sitting next to me when he lied… The other stuff is weird but he’s still been seeing me. Maybe it is his self-preservation, not wanting to get to close so didn’t want to text all the time so pretended his phone was fucked. Is it really that bad?” Reading back on that message I am thinking really #IBD4U, fucking hell! Yes it’s that bad that he was sitting on your couch lying to your face!! FUCKING HELL…

I don’t know how else to respond to Silverlining’s potential reveal so I just send “Pretending?!” with a questioning emoji. No fucking way am I am giving away my identity first! He can fucking tell me who he is! He writes back “Sorry that was meant for someone else lol” WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT! “I don’t think it was meant for someone else” he says that he got the conversations mixed up, I know this is fucking bullshit… “I’m sure you’re pretending with me.” I am getting ready for the gym, barely able to go, thinking that this will be over with Silverlining by the end of the day when we reveal our true selves. He says “I’ve noticed a pattern…..” What pattern is that Silverlining?! I tell him that I have been 100% honest with him, too honest in fact, when he asks if I am pretending with him. I ask what he’s talking to other people on the app about, he says catfishing. I reply “Yeah I know I’m being catfished” Fuck as if I didn’t know the first fucking day we started chatting. I am actually also over being catfished by him, it’s been almost 2 weeks of chatting with this guy, I need to know who the fuck he is! If this is Noodle, I am going to be furious that he has catfished me after having a go at me for apparently catfishing him & his partner. “I haven’t catfished you. At no point have I pretended to be someone I’m not. If I knew from the start I probably would of worked on projecting a fakeness to my online personality. Funny how the universe works sometimes tho. Fuck we are both so young tho” I forget to ask him because I am so riled up by these messages, but assume he means dumb not young. IT’S FUCKING NOODLE! “I know you haven’t pretended. I can tell. The universe is fucked.” FUUUUCCCKKKKKK!

“Well I can see you didn’t hide on the app so clearly you wanted to be found (not the post) well at one stage. Not sure why you would ask someone from advice that would have such a fucking … and I mean fucking massive conflict of interest.” He tells me that my pattern was using … at the end of everything & the timing – I’m not sure how the timing would be different for me, I mean I can message 24/7 if I wanted too, I’m fucking single, I can do what I want! He was the one who logged off & I could tell by his times online, expect when he threw in a random message to confuse me. He adds, “I do mean everything I said about your ex. Nothing was your fault. Ever. You blame yourself way too much.” Yeah I know I do, but fuck, there are a lot of things I would do differently. I reply “I never wanted to be found by you. I don’t use the app a lot at all. You’re the one who replied to me knowing me who I am. I never changed the way I type or how I talk. So it was not a pattern, it’s who I am & how I type. I never hid from you who I am. Interestingly after accusing me of catfishing you & your partner many months ago, you now do it to me to get intimate details from me. Definitely funny how the universe works… Pulls us together again, yet again.” FUCK.

He sends 28 messages in a row while I’m at bootcamp, fucking hell, I know this is dumb, but I can tell he has a lot to say & now we’ve revealed our identities – without really identifying ourselves, I can see that he’s also scared, like I am that one of us is going to ghost the other… “I had no idea it was you. No fucking idea. I avoided anything that resembled you. Anything in your age group. Banter Queen was really obvious you. Never catfished you intentionally. I knew the worse thing I could do was message you. It obviously became very clear who you are. How fucked is our chemistry even as strangers on the anonymous app. Who were both hiding our identities via name changes and age changes. I honestly swear to fucking god I had no idea it was you. I still fucking love you , you twat , I can’t be friends with you. It has killed me so much knowing how much I have fucked you up. I haven’t been able to sleep at night knowing how much I have fucking hurt you. You needed me to know how much I fucking hurt you. If I knew it was you I would of never , ever messaged you. I ghosted for a reason. It because I knew how much it would hurt me. And worse still, how much I’ve hurt you. And it’s even more fucked I know. It was so much easier thinking you would of moved on by now. 3 Shrinks, I feel terrible! So fucking terrible. Now I know we will never be together as I don’t expect you to wait for me , but don’t you ever deny that I fucking loved you. I have never in my life heard a love song and thought of a person , I did that while seeing you , and the fucked thing is I still do it now. It was always 2 ways , don’t you forget who said it to you first. Don’t you forget who admitted you were really my girlfriend at the end of it.” OH MY FUCKING BLOODY MOTHERFUCKER GOD! I don’t even know what to say to those 28 messages – he still loves me?! Really… I’m still fucking in love with him too, but I am not going to fucking say it. I am furious! He still thinks about me when he hears love songs?! I mean I do too, but fuck I never knew he would too!!

But I am still furious, About so many things here, mainly about the fact that he’s still in love with me & still with her! FUCKING HELL. I know this chat with him will end soon now knowing who we are. We can’t continue to talk like we have been, I mean we’ve gotten back into a texting every day pattern at this point. But I still have things to say but I am angry as fuck. I tell him that I am not Banter Queen, whoever she is, I have hardly ever used the app, I mean since seeing Motocross for the last 3 months, I haven’t been online much at all until he started being weird. I say that I have seen him post & chat on the anonymous app & usually I will stop chatting to someone that resembles him “But after I saw you walk past me at the show last week, I couldn’t stop chatting to this “app guy”… Thinking you were Noodle. But not really believing it. I was like no, he wouldn’t do that to me… Surely… Especially after blaming me for doing it when I hadn’t.” I have to know if he saw me at the show, what he thought, if she saw me. I tell him that I told him all that stuff because I needed him to know, after we stopped emailing, I still had things to say & I say that I assume that he’ll stop talking to me now. He tells me what I already know that I was talking to him before the show “And you want to know something absolutely fucked. I felt you at the show but didn’t see you. I knew it was you. Unfortunately so did she but that’s another story for another day.” I say that I saw him & so glad (eyes rolling) that his partner recognised me, I thank him for showing her what I look like – fucking asshole. He tells me that “She stalked your ass don’t you worry” oh Jesus! Really?! He says that she figured out some ‘trick’ to find me & look at my photos on Facebook. Well everything is private, so fuck knows what this trick is. He says “As soon as I felt you she asked me if I saw you, which I didn’t and denied it would of been you.” For someone that’s self-confessed super geeky, he tells me that she has a trick that he doesn’t know what, on how she can hack Facebook & see everything I have that is private?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… This is hilarious! So I am 100% certain this is a lie – when I reinvigorated this blog in 2018, I posted once, only ONCE on my Facebook wall about it. If she had this ‘trick’, she would know about my blog, I know she wouldn’t be able to ignore it & she wouldn’t be able to keep it in, she’d tell him & he would probably not be talking to me… They both would have read it, she’d probably leave him, knowing the real story, surely & he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Therefore, there is no trick for hacking Facebook, if there is, please email me about it, because I don’t believe this bullshit she spins.

I had changed my name back to my real name with my middle name as my surname on Facebook – pretty much like everyone these days, but he tells me that she thinks that my last name is what I have up on Facebook – at least she doesn’t know my real surname. He said I used to be hidden on Facebook & even he couldn’t find me but she has & said that she used to look at my photos every single day for months. I ask how he can be ok with that, I am fucking angry that I was told I wasn’t allowed to message his phone or contact him, but she’s allowed to stalk my fucking Facebook?! FUCKING HELL I AM ANGRY! All he says is “I had an affair what can I do” Um, well Noodle you can fucking protect your mistress like you said you would!!!!!

He says that he’s sure I wanted to know what she looked like the whole time we were fucking but I tell him I knew pretty early on anyway, yeah I had looked her up, but not fucking daily to look at what?! The same pictures, I saw what she looked like, I didn’t need to keep looking. She knows what I look like, why keep looking?! She got him to stay with her, why does she need to keep thinking about me & stalking me? He says that she’s shit at computers so he’s not sure how she figured it out. I am so angry, fuck! “You had an affair & didn’t + don’t protect the person you apparently loved?!” I tell him that I actually used to shop in her shop being it’s the closest one to my house before he told me she worked there. Of course I knew what she looked like. Once he told me her name, I blocked her on Instagram, but stupidly not on Facebook. I’m not sure why. He says that he protected me more I think, yeah right he did… She didn’t know my real name until Sweetie told her my real name wasn’t what he said, why didn’t he say another fucking fake name?! He didn’t protect me at all “She knows where I live & what I look like, she knows my name & what I do as a job… She also knew what size I was… I mean what didn’t you tell her?” I mean there wasn’t much else he could protect me from “I protected you the best I could in the situation I was placed in” I remind him that she even had a fucking phone number, my work number which she wrote down wrong anyway, but she had a phone number. He says that he never gave her the number but lucky she fucked it up after finding it on the iPad, that she never came to my work or my house to shame me – OMG, is he serious?! She would’ve be able to do that if he didn’t give her that information. I am fucking angry, having a major go at him for bringing her to my house & taking his stuff like a thief in the night “Do you have any idea how that felt?! Coming home to your shit gone after everything I did for you & finding a note from her in my letterbox?” There is nothing much he can say at this point “I didn’t know she did that. I didn’t let her in your house.” I always knew he hadn’t let her in the house, he said he didn’t, I believe him because he wrote a note on my fridge note pad, she wrote the note without his knowledge so there was no way she came inside, he wouldn’t have been able to write me a note if she came inside. “I can see why you think I didn’t protect you.” but he says “You never had a crazy bitch turn up to your house to kill you… And I can assure you she wanted too.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD… Can you even believe what he is saying right now?!

#IBD4U

Ironically (because of who I think this is), Silverlining tells me that “A guy doesn’t lie for that long” as a reply to when I say that I’m sure the feelings Noodle had for me weren’t real (I need to have some confidence in myself! I know – I know.) or that he knew he was getting sex so he was a master manipulator at getting what else he wanted. I’m obviously certain a guy could lie for that long, I watched Noodle lie to his partner for over a year and a half & get away with it to see me, while she was tracking his phone. It’s quite disturbing how easily it was for Noodle to lie. I say that men lie & they sometimes cheat but I believe that my epic love was completely straight with me. Silverlining says that if EL knew he was getting sex every time he saw me regardless & still was saying those things to me, with a partner, then he meant it – he had no reason to lie. He wasn’t lying. This puts my mind at ease now, being that I am still sure that this is him. I tell him that EL will probably come back into my life at some point, he says “the dude fucked up and lost his chance with you , he’s an asshole , focus on your future and less on the past.” I know that this is not what he wants to say but he’s also pushing me to text Motocross even though he’s basically told me over & over again that he’s not into me. However I know that Noodle would want me to be happy & Silverlining has said how cool he thinks Motocross is & Noodle always said I should be with someone cool.

I tell Silverlining again that I think it was one sided, he replies “I seriously doubt it was one sided as you don’t develop what you have when it’s one sided , epic love could only spark when both parties are involved ; it could only take a layers of chemistry , affection , friendship , sex , passion and most of all a very deep level of connection mentally not just physically.” If this really is Noodle & he believes that, why wouldn’t be want to be with me?! But I guess for him in the end, it was Want vs Obligation, (maybe there’s a blog in that?!) not that he doesn’t want to be with me, but he is obliged to stay with her. Not only because of the kids, who he didn’t want to lose but because of all the bullshit stunts, the money & whatever he thinks is his mind are reasons to stay.

He asks about the night with Motocross was weird when I mention it, I explain that he lied about the royal show being cancelled, yet mum was watching bike riders when she called, but then that Motocross was at my house, so I was trying not to think too much about it. He says it’s not weird, if you take the show part out of it, that he obviously wanted to see me, so I should think that’s a good thing. But then he says when I say that I think he’s made up the cousin stroke story, but he asks about his wealth, if I’ve seen any proof. Well this line of question throws me off, but I reply saying that I’ve seen his 2 cars but I haven’t seen anything else. Silverlining says that cars can be rented etc, one lie usually leads to another. “The weather was fine last night and to my knowledge there was no warnings or any impending weather coming. Bad weather coming. So you’ve been lied to and you know it in regards to that. Either that or he really wanted to see you. And then something terrible happened. But like I said I think I’m going to stay out of this one … I allready feel I’m influencing your thought process on this guy way to much than I should. I suggest you start digging (not your grave).” I guess this is #interesting, if Motocross really did want to see me & he wasn’t riding at the show, he had to lie about it being cancelled, however maybe when Motocross got to my house, he could sense that I was going to dig a little deeper so he freaked out & left? But obviously Silverlining doesn’t get it either & says he thinks it’s hell suss. Seriously, I hope I find out what Motocross deal is because I agree with Silverlining, it’s fucking suss!

Silverlining tells me not to overthink it, but every time I say something to Silverlining about Motocross, he says something different, that I need to start digging to find out what the fuck is going on, or just to go with the flow & not overthink it. While Motocross is in Melbourne nursing his cousin back to health & talking to Silverlining I check the kms on the dating app, which says 22kms. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! I mean this could be because of two reasons – which is why I hate to stalk & don’t do it. First he might not have opened up the app while away, or he really is only 22kms from me. I’m no wiser to be honest & now I just have more questions about why he is 22kms away. Should I be happy he hasn’t opened the app to find someone in Melbourne or should I be suspicious why it’s 22kms away?

Then something gets the better of me & I am pretty sure this is Noodle who will know everything I need to know about an iPhone watch. I ask if Silverlining has an Apple or Samsung, then I ask if he has an Apple watch, which he says no (Probably to throw me off that this is Noodle) then he says “What an odd set of questions to ask a stranger” however, I know Noodle won’t be able to help himself – he’ll geek out at these questions & over explain. I explain how Motocross’ phone got wet that weekend (which was over a month ago but he’s continued to see me regularly) & he didn’t message me but then he’s been texting from his watch on dates & when his dad messaged at my house. Noodle is predictable & writes about 14 messages about this topic, saying that he’s rich so he probably has a sim card in the watch therefore he would be able to text on it. He also says that iPhones have been waterproof for years (Which I knew). He says that the phone books sync so if he can text on his watch, there was no reason why he couldn’t text me that weekend. FUCK. I knew this but it pisses me off to fact check it. Which is what I thought, but not sure why tried to ghost me that weekend, yet has been seeing me 3-4 times a week for like a month after so far… I’m not the only one setting up dates here, so I am not putting in all the effort, I mean I am putting in most of the effort, but he is asking to see me still… Seeing me without fucking me – though Silverlining thinks that is weird.

I wake up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to 10 messages in quick succession from Silverlining at 5:20 am. He talks about me being too forgiving & that I need to forget the sorry ass of an ex, that he hasn’t come back for me & when he does it’ll be too late, he says that I need to focus on Motocross & forget the “self confessed geeky guy.” I don’t remember ever telling Silverlining that about Noodle – maybe I did?! “It will always be his loss for missing out on such an amazing woman , not yours , don’t let it eat you up so much , because deep down it sounds like it still is” Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out either, I mean all I have done it talk to this guy about someone who I thought loved me, who I’m assuming I’m still talking too…

After almost 2 weeks of chatting to this Silverlining character about the ex-love of my life, about the current weirdo I’m dating, there is one more message at 6:26 am, an hour after the long line of messages – simply saying “Fuck at what point do we stop pretending …..”

FUCK!

#IBD4U

In bed feeling like an idiot but can’t get to sleep because I am fucking stupidly hopeful that Motocross will come back even though I know deep down that he won’t. I hate that Silverlining has been right. This guy isn’t into me at all! FUCK.

I turn on the tv & start watching something on netflix or whatever, expecting the uncomfortable text from Motocross saying some rubbish & sorry he’s not coming back. However, when my phone buzzes more than for a text, I look over & I realise that someone is ringing me. It’s Motocross of course, which kind of makes me think he doesn’t have a wife (if some of you are thinking that) I was thinking that too, but if he did or he wanted an easy way out of this, he wouldn’t call, he would text. No one would call in this situation, I certainly wouldn’t – if I made a clean exit. But he’s opted for an awkward conversation.

He says that his cousin in Melbourne has had a stroke & he used to be really close with this cousin when he was younger but hasn’t seen him for years, but was going to see him soon so he is upset about it now. He says that they’re – his parents & him are trying to book flights to Melbourne tomorrow, he seems to think they are going to be on the red eye. (didn’t his dad’s friend have a jet?!) Anyway he says he’s heaps sorry, of course I am what anyone would be when a person rings up & says someone is injured or whatever, I am supporting, offer my apologies, ask if there is anything I can do & I listen. We don’t talk for heaps long but longer than I would expect of a person scrambling to get flights out tomorrow. The cynical part of me (which lets face it, its about 99.9% of me) says that he’s dreamed up this scheme so that he is now away for the rest of the week & the rest of the Royal Show, in case I choose to get another ticket! The part in me that gets along with this guy, wants be to believe this story, but I am struggling to be very honest with you! However, against advice from Silverlining, I give Motocross the benefit of the doubt, I have absolutely no reason not to believe Motocross & this isn’t something I could google, surely?!

I get off the phone with Motocross & send him a quick text “Let me know if I can do anything” with a kissing emoji. I would appreciate that kind of text if I got some bad news like that. He writes back 25 minutes later when I am asleep “Thank you appreciate it. I am sorry bout tonight been cut short” well at least he acknowledges it & is prepared to say it .I write back in the morning saying that I hope he had a good flight to Melbourne. I say that I didn’t realise he was jumping up & walking right out the door right away, or I would have hugged him or something. I apologise for being rude & say that I hope he is ok & his cousin is too. I don’t get a reply all day from like 7:30 am till after 6:00 pm. “Hey sorry for the mega late reply I got a flight first thing dismorring thanks. Yeah i’m sorry I was actually meant to be coming back sorry i didn’t.” I mean as if he was ever coming back, lets face it, while this guy writes back to every message, I am starting to believe what Silverlining is saying, Motocross is doing it as some sort of exchange, not because he really wants too… His lies are going to be caught out soon, I am obviously getting closer to asking what the fuck so he is pulling away rapidly. I reply saying that it’s ok, I ask how his cousin is & say that I still should’ve said a proper goodbye. He says that his cousin is still bad & he doesn’t know what’s happening that he’s really sorry but appreciates the message. I say again to let me know If I can do anything & say that there’s no need to be sorry that I understand & we can catch up when he’s back. To which, Motocross doesn’t ever reply. RIGHT.

So another couple of things that I forgot to mention throughout this story, so I also work with someone who I made friends with on Facebook & of course Motocross keeps coming up as a friend suggestion, I happen to notice one day that we have a friend in common, it’s the chick from work who’s new, I’m not really that close too but I decide to have a chat to her about him. I am casual about it (well I think I am, but I’m probably not at all!), just asking how she knows him, she went to high school with him. I tell her that he said he left Adelaide when he was 16 to live in America & she sort of laughs, I keep going with my story just giving her a few things from him & when I say that he says he’s a crusty demon she cracks up laughing & says no. OMG. I mean I pretty much knew it but for someone to confirm it is just fucking gold…

I may have mentioned this fact, but Motocross has told me a couple of times that if he wasn’t a stunt rider, he’d be a tiler. I’m almost certain at this point that he is a tiler & not a motocross rider at all. Who the fuck knows at this point. I honestly don’t give a shit what a dude does for work as long as he’s working & enjoys his job. What the fuck is with all the lies?!

Friday I haven’t heard from Motocross & I think that he’s probably not thinking about me as such if he’s with his cousin & family at the hospital, so I just send a quick text asking how he is, how is his cousin & how Melbourne is. He doesn’t take long to write back. Saying that they spend the day at the hospital, there is not changes yet & that Melbourne is ok, he then asks how my day is. I wonder if he’s being polite or if he is interested. I say that I’m sorry to hear that, ask if he is still going to the Darwin crusty show on the weekend. I say that my day was shit, going home to have a bath (BTW after the bath with Motocross, I have bought nice radox bubble bath because we had talked about baths again together… I am not going to be caught again with no bubbles, even though I hate them!) but even though I am on annual leave on Monday I will have to go in to sort some shit out before I go to Brisbane.

Motocross has often talked about coming to Brisvegas as he calls it when I am there, I guess that he’s now got a get out of jail free card on that since I go in a week or so. He always seems excited to talk about my trip & my plans when I say that I have finally booked my flights & organised my accommodation with my friend.

He says that he’s leaving Melbourne in the morning for Darwin on the red eye (the fucking red eye, really!) I say that I hope his cousins is better & that he has a good flight, I ask when he’s back in Adelaide, saying that it sucks to have to work on my annual leave & I also say after he says that it’s good I’m relaxing in the bath, that it would be better if he was in the bath with me. He says that he’s back on Sunday around midday & asks why I am working if I am on holidays, he says “Hmmm yeah that be nice I’d be fair keen and the rest” Hahaha, whatever that means. I say for him to let me know if he wants to come over Sunday night that I’m sure he would use a hug, a bath & the rest. I dribbled on about the fucked reason I have to go into work & then never get a reply from him. I don’t get a text from him all day Saturday either. FUCK YOU.

Silverlining is saying I’m wrapped around Motocross finger & at this point I guess I am, I still don’t know who Silverlining is, I may never know, but I am not going to let Motocross go without at least trying to get to the bottom of his lies… Or what are seemingly lies. I must find out what the fuck is this guy’s deal.

Motocross calls me Saturday afternoon, which is new & just when I am fucking angry, he makes a gesture. We chat a bit while he is driving somewhere in Melbourne… Oddly, I don’t notice at the time, but writing this now, wasn’t he supposed to be in Darwin? Also I do notice at the time but his indicator car noise (Yes, cars have distinct indicators noises) sounds a lot like the indicator in his $75k Holden ute… We chat about his cousin & how he’s doing, how close Motocross is to him & that he’s woken up at least – so Motocross is much happier. Motocross talks about coming over after my family dinner on Sunday night, he’s back around midday so he says to let him know when I am free but cuts the conversation short as he has to go because he is lost in Melbourne. We hang up & I feel better, we don’t just have a texting relationship, this guy is now calling… However, actually… Did that phone call just open up more questions?!

#IBD4U

So this point in the timeline, Silverlining & I have been chatting a few days, almost a week – it’s very early September. I haven’t been putting in much effort with Motocross so we haven’t seen each other for a few days. I caught up in this texting chemistry again. Maybe like this blog for you, it’s like a car crash you can’t look away from? If you have ever had an ounce of the chemistry I had with Noodle with someone you were seeing, or if you ever n just picked up on the chemistry of the Noodle story, you will understand me when I say, that I can’t walk away from this Silverlining… Regardless of who he is, I may never find out, but I am sure that it is him. I toy with ideas about how I can tell him who I am, question who he is. Will he ghost me?! He’s still talking to me now, I’m 100% being me, I’m being so obvious, he surely knows that it’s me!

This is a precarious situation though, I know I shouldn’t be investing time in this, I know that he shouldn’t be investing time in me (though I can’t help but think he is ready to leave this time) I also know that my heart wants what my heart wants. But I am terrified of so many things, like the fact that he isn’t ready to leave & strong enough to be the man I need, that I am going to get hurt again if he ghosts me suddenly. It’s only been a few days of messaging, but we are back to our old tricks – texting every second we get, over sharing our lives, being honest… But I have to know, I have to see this through, is this Noodle?! Do you believe in signs, do you believe in the universe, do you believe in fate, do you believe in destiny? I don’t think I do, I mean my life has been a myriad of missed signs, fate & destiny & yet, the first person I’ve ever loved & still in love with is back in my life, that is a sign I am not willing to miss. I don’t think this is our time either, I don’t know if this really is him, but I do know that I am strong enough to survive this risk, just as I was strong enough to survive the first explosion with him.

Silverlining asks me what I’ve got to lose at this point showing Motocross some affection, good question, but I say my dignity. He also tells me that EL was told by me that I couldn’t be friends with him so he just followed through with that. I know that Noodle would say that he gave me what I wanted, well I thought he would fight harder for me. Silverlining asks why I told him I couldn’t be friends. “Yeah I told him that (but only because it would hurt to be friends with him & not have him.) He begged me not too to do that. So we agreed we should stay friends & then he cut me off.” It’s true, he cracked the absolute shits at me when I said it would hurt to be friends with him but in the end we agreed to be friends. He says that it sounds like he tried to do the right thing by me. “Maybe he realized it would hurt him just as much to be your friend. I’m sure the epic love thing went 2 ways. You don’t epically love someone on a one way street” Maybe not, but this just makes my heart ache… I say that I am not sure if was a 2 way epic thing. “I’m certain he couldn’t give a fuck what I’m doing now, I don’t know why I care.” I say this shit because I want to bring Noodle out, I also assume that if Noodle was single, he’d contact me, so I don’t think he is, but I need to know I was loved… He says that he doesn’t think people ever forget their exs. I never said that he’d forgotten me, I say that things were different for both of us & that I have a lot of questions.

He says that epic love can only exist if both people feel it, I start to doubt myself more than anything “Maybe I was deluded. I’d never felt love before so maybe that’s just lust & passion. & I built it up in my head” Maybe I did build up our relationship to something more than it was… He says that lust & passion can only co exist with love – really I’m not so sure “Lust is loves poor cousin. Lust is often mistaken for love. Passion is just chemistry.” I am not trying to talk myself out of my epic love, maybe because it hurts to talk about it, maybe because I want it again… I don’t know. “You can tell you loved him very dearly. And I’m sure he loved you equally back just as much. I’m sure this guy hypothetically still loves you and misses you.” FUCK. That hurts to think. I don’t know if that hurts because it could be true or because of who could be saying it…

He says I have some unresolved issues with me EL – Well dur, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out! I tell him that I am significantly fucked up, I have been to 2 therapists “I always knew it wasn’t our time, timing was always a factor but I did think that in a few years he’d come find me. But he’s also stubborn so pretty sure he won’t, thinking that I’ve moved on. He always thought I was too good for him” I am going to say some things now that are going to hit him, if it changes nothing, I don’t care, I need to say this stuff to the fake Noodle. He asks why EL would think I am too good for him “Cos apparently he’s a geek & I’m super cool. It was just cos of how we met, everyone used to hit on me etc. He was a very jealous guy about me… I mean I was jealous about him too but he was worse than me. He always thought I was fucking other people when in fact I wasn’t… He was insecure about a lot, mainly his looks but I obviously thought he was sexy or I wouldn’t have been with him so long, right?!” We talk about this topic for a while & how bad both our self esteems were, I mean he thought he wasn’t good enough for me at all & I didn’t think I was lovable, it was a doomed relationship from the beginning. Noodle never believed anything I said, so now I don’t bother expressing the way I feel, particularly with Motocross because they don’t listen anyway & he’s clearly waiting for someone better to come along – so what’s the point. I say though, I only have one regret – which you all know – so I know that I gave it my all, just like the song from one of his favourite bands. He asks what it is, that I didn’t say I love you more, I say yes & he just suggests that I am more open with Motocross.

When Silverlining fucks up & says I shouldn’t be listening to some random guy on the chat app, I am certain this is when Noodle will reveal himself. I say “Aren’t we on the anonymous app?” & he just says yeah whoops wrong app… FUCK. I thought he’d totally say it was him then! I know it’s frustrating you guys not knowing, but imagine having these conversations for days being addicted to it but not knowing!

We keep chatting & get on the conversation of me being a rope bunny – but I say it’s not a sexual thing for me but when Noddy came to Switch with me & watched Ripples tie me & drip candle wax on me. Silverlining says “From a guys point of view, I would be so jealous. Especially if my rope skills weren’t as good as his. Even if it’s not sexual for you. It’s a sexual visual act. It would also make me useless type of thing.” Fuck I never thought of it like that! SHIT. However I did chat to Noddy at length about what he would see at Switch so he didn’t get jealous, yet he did… Men are just frustrating! Silverlinging says that even though he’s done some kinky stuff, he’d still freak out “If you told me you did a professional show, I’d shit my pants. Because all that will be going through that guys head is, she has this done by a professional” FUCK. I didn’t think of it like that either! He recommends that I stop talking about it with guys, especially if I am doing rope with some experienced. FUCK… (I mean I end up stopping going to rope all together because of how awkward things get with the play party people.)

Silverlining says that he’s on Noddy’s side for what he did to me. He says that he sent me that snapchat because I made him feel insecure & it came back to bite me, “He repaid you and showed you himself doing a sexual act on another. Subconsciously” Well that’s a bit fucked to be honest, but he does have a fucking point… OMG. I try to explain that Noddy begged to come, begged to watch. Silverlining just says that men are simple creatures “Feed our egos” for example I should feed Motocross’ ego about his money, it’s what he wants… FUCK does he? Silverlining just says to say that find it attractive that Motocross has money. I am no stranger to feeding a dudes ego, I mean I had to feed Noodle’s ego 24 fucking 7. So I know I have to feed a dudes ego, maybe I need to talk about how much money Motocross has? Seem more interested when he says he chartered a jet, rather than literally just saying to him “Man we live very different lives” Fuck I’m so confused.

I tell Silverlining about giving away my show ticket & he says “You gave your ticket away subconsciously because you didn’t want to be disappointed.” I say that it wasn’t subconscious, it was deliberate. I know I am going to be disappointed about not seeing Motocross at the show, so I deliberately gave away my ticket. He says that he’s surprised I can admit that. Well I did 100% know he was going to disappoint me, I didn’t realise to what extent but I knew that he would. He says I need to get him in a room & ask him questions, I say that I am going to do just that, get this guy in a room & find out what it is… However, when Motocross is at my house, it’s the night I am going to ask questions but his dad messages & says come home, so I never get the talk… FUCK…

#IBD4U

We’re still continuing this pretence that we don’t know its each other. The more Silverlining tells me not to blame myself for my Epic Love failing, the more I think it’s Noodle. The chemistry with this stranger is too much to be just a random guy. I never chat like this with anyone… I mean if this isn’t him, I am going to be more surprised than if it’s him at this point!

Silverlining picks up that I am awkward because Motocross is awkward, which is true… I mean he walks in not kissing me hello so I struggle to kiss him hello. He tells me that I do sabotage relationships & that I’m independent.

I agree with him, I don’t need someone, I have talked about this before in Want vs Need but I tell him that a man should see me being a strong woman as a privilege “Someone they should fight for. Not some needy, game playing woman who would crumble like a piece of paper if they left them. How pathetic. But apparently that’s what I need to become, according to you. Some needy, pathetic, game playing woman manipulating a man to be with me… I’d rather be single & know a man wants to be with me than it was just I was best at playing the game.” He tells me that that’s not what he said, but I have said a lot of that as a stab at his partner…

Now lets all be clear about Noodle’s partner too, I do not judge her for wanting to be with him at all. I do not think she is stupid, I think she is someone who made some desperate moves when she saw her family crumbling. I cannot judge her for wanting to keep her family together, or wanting to be with the man she loves, I still want to be with him too – so I’m no different. We have that in common. However, I do judge her actions following finding out about me. I didn’t set Noodle free to see if he’d come back to me or whatever that saying is. I set him free because like I just said to Silverlining, I want a man to be with me because that’s what he wants, not because I tricked him into it. I mean I thought of all the things I could do to get Noodle to stay with me, fake a pregnancy, attempt a suicide myself… But what would that have done? I would always be thinking, is he with me because I did that or does he truly love me & want to be with me? I’d rather be single a sleep well at night knowing I didn’t force a man to stay with me with threats & stunts. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it… I still do sometimes! But there’s a difference, I wouldn’t ever do anything like that.

When Silverlining tells me that I will find love again, that I shouldn’t worry… All that usual cliche bullshit, I tell him that he musn’t have felt an earth shattering love like I had & that’s why I don’t think we get that type of love twice in our lives. He says that people divorce all the time & find new love so he’s sure I will find it again. He says ‘Did angels sing when this guy walked the earth or something?’ The sticking out tongue emoji screams Noodle. I reply ‘Yeah you don’t get it. You said yourself you are always trolling online for friendship so you haven’t had it to understand. It’s ok that you haven’t, I can’t explain it.’ One of my biggest fears, even though Noodle said it first, was that he didn’t really love me, my mum said to me at the end when I finally told them that he used me & didn’t love me. I don’t know if she said that to help me get over him but it stuck with me, I mean I already had thought those thoughts so I’m not blaming my mum, just saying that I thought them & didn’t think other people with thinking the same thing too!

Silverlining says that I make him sound so losery, yeah well he does sound losery at this point when he says “I have fallen madly in love before too !” I don’t know why that makes me catch my breath. If this is who I think it is, is he talking about me or someone else?!

I am questioning if this guy has fallen madly in love, I mean what is he doing on here if he is madly in love right now?!” You have a partner yet your trolling online for friendships, you even said that yourself. Doesn’t sound like you’re in love at all, let alone madly in love” I am not sure this is a good line of questioning, I don’t even want to hear him lie that he is madly in love with his partner.

Silverlining tells me that he has indeed been in love & fallen madly in love, I still doubt that. He says that Motocross seems like he only messages me after I’ve message him, like he does is as an exchange. I guess he could be right there. He says a true guy will message you every chance he gets. Which I agree, I mean I used to message Noodle 100 times a day & this guy is doing the same. However like I explain, I say that I don’t want a texting relationship again, I’ve been there done that. I tell him that I am fucked up & so is Motocross, from what he’s said to me, that I just think that we both are just too scared to show any emotion. He just says if we’re both getting what we want, then there’s no issue. I mean I wish I could believe that… I want more from Motocross, the main thing I want from him is honesty. I mean as if he has bought his brother a $90k car with money he had in a backpack!

I ask him why he isn’t with the person he’s madly in love with, to which he replies that he never said he wasn’t in love with who he’s with, however life gets complicated sometimes. I tell him that I tried to help my Epic Love & he didn’t want the help, so I am not prepared to try to fix Motocross, it’s not my style anyway, I am not interested in fixing a man. Silverlining says that “I fell for something I couldn’t have more along the lines” Can there be any doubt left that this isn’t Noodle!? Jesus… He has said that he doesn’t understand how someone can be madly in love but not express it. Well I mean I did express it with Noodle, I just was a fuckwit about it. “Yeah well that was the problem, wasn’t it. I couldn’t say the words to his face, I’d message the heart emoji instead of saying love. When push came to shove, my own inability to open up destroyed it. He didn’t believe me & took a different path.” I explain that I think I am doing similar with Motocross, like I am being awkward, he’s being awkward, & I’m not opening up, not asking the questions I should be asking Motocross. He says he doesn’t get the Epic Love thing without show affection “Hard to explain. Clearly you’ve never felt an epic love story even if you think you’ve fallen madly in love before… We were very sexual so it was a feeling we both had. Touches, looks, passion, kisses, chemistry… But that song ‘more than words’ is bullshit. You should say it all the time. I wish I said it every time I saw him. Not just using the stupid emoji because I was protecting myself. I was in denial the whole time that I was loveable” In a way I still am in denial, that’s why I am pushing this guy to tell me that I am loveable, because of who he represents. He asks if we ever said it face to face. I am reminded that the only time we actually said I love you to each other in person, was the last time we ever saw each other. I start to get sad about it & just say that it’s a long fucked story. He says it’s probably not good for me to talk about it – like he can somehow sense that I am fucking getting depressed… FUCK, only Noodle could tell my mood via text, no one has ever picked up on my moods before just from the way my texts read. He says I’m very interesting & teasing him with snippets of this Epic Love story. He keeps pressing & I snap “It was the first time I’d ever been in love… Alright. You happy now You got me to admit that?” He just says that I am confusing but keep giving him tidbits that change his stance about me & Motocross. He tells me that I shouldn’t be asking scum of the earth ‘internet men’ for advice, which I say that I am taking with a grain of salt anyway, He says that I seem worth hitting on “You can tell you’re a little cheeky, little bit flirty , you seem fun and honest and your also a self confessed best fuck ever. So I’m trying my best not to hit on you.” He even asks if I struggled to show affection with my Epic Love. I explain how we started out, EL & I (As I start to nickname him) as friends, as fuck buddies that we had limited time together so it was always for sex. I say that the very first time & the very last time were the only 2 times I saw him & didn’t fuck him. I say we were always naked so I didn’t have to show him affection. I say that MC (As I start nicknaming Motocross to Silverlining) met online dating & have dated but not had as much sex as EL & I had. But they were different circumstances, that doesn’t mean that MC isn’t into me? Right…

Silverlining ask still if I never showed affection to EL, like did we never kiss or cuddle. “Yeah we hugged & kissed, cuddled after sex but I didn’t get much time with him that wasn’t sex to show affection TBH. So of course I can show affection, but genrally always waited for him to kiss me first. We never held hands, After we ended I realised that & I wished I had held his hand. Just always thought there would be more time.”

We talk more & he says that I just need to put myself out there again. I mean I have had a lot of sex since Noodle, trying to get over him, trying to find someone who just a hint of what passion & chemistry we had, but I haven’t even come close to finding it. He tells me to put myself out there & show this guy some affection that it might change things, but I need to try, he asks why I can’t. I hold my breath as I hit send on my reply “Because the pain of being hurt was excruciating… He begged me to stay friends with him only a few months before we ended, was pissed when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him but then when he was done, he cut me off completely. Radio silence.” I know he sees it his way by saying that he thinks we mutually decided not to be friends, but I don’t see I that way. I remember Noodle cracking the shits when I said I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him, but remember the morning I was waiting for him to come back online all weekend after she found my panties, he came back online for about an hour to say goodbye, then logged off, leaving me with questions & just went about his life like I didn’t exist! This is when I am reminded that chatting to a Noodle-a-like is not a good fucking idea… FUCK!

#IBD4U

So I am 99% certain who Silverlining is now… He hasn’t stopped talking to me, he’s kept the conversation going, does he know it’s me? But having said that, I really doubt that Noodle would keep talking to me if he knew who I was!? Or is he a kid in a candy store too, wanting more… Wanting to know how I am, what has happened in my life since we spoke a year ago? Should I say something? I want too. It’s seriously killing me & I keep rehearsing things I could say to him, just drop his name in there somewhere perhaps. But do you know what?! I am petrified that if I tell him that I know it’s him that he’ll ghost me. That will hurt like hell. I also hate to admit this but you already know without me having to say it, but I will say it, I am still in love with him. FUCK. That hurts to even write, even after all this time… I am certain some of you hate him, some of you hate me for my part in the story. I should hate him too but there was something about the relationship with him that will never go away, I think I will always love that man. The variants of that love have & will change obviously over the years, but I am still in love with him. I have thought about him every day & now chatting to him (maybe) every day, I just don’t give a fuck about Motocross anymore at all, which you’re all thinking I needed to do about 20 dates ago! Hahaha. I know that Silverlining or whoever he is like playing with fire… This is a very dangerous game! Do I want to play?! Do I want to find out that this guy is Noodle & he ghost me? Do I want to find out that this is Noodle & he’s in an open relationship again or something else heartbreaking about their relationship?! or worst of all, do I want to find out this is Noodle & he is still in love with me too? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!

I know how hard it was to get over him the first time because I am still not over him, not even a little bit… So is this just playing with fire? Am I going to get burned? Well, do you know what, this is a risk I need & am willing to take. I told you in the blog Leader Of the Broken Heart about my biggest regret, maybe this is a chance for me to rectify that. The biggest question I need to answer is if I am willing to put myself though this again? You know what, it wasn’t ever done for me when I ignored his email, but we both needed to take a break, I knew that it wasn’t the end but I knew that we needed to stop when we did… He made his decision, regardless of what he really wanted, he made it & we needed to stop. I knew he would come back into my life, which is also why I am so sure that this is Noodle.

I always said that we would be pulled back together somehow, sometime. I just didn’t think it would be on an anonymous app that I’ve barely used in a year, avoiding chatting to men as I always think it’s Noodle, yet now I am certain of it, I can’t stop writing to him… & he can’t stop writing to me, this is the longest conversation with someone on the app in a very long time! The universe has put us in similar places before, this is no different, there is some pull with us. I mean I still don’t think this is our time either, I don’t feel like it is but maybe just maybe, I can say some things that have haunted me for the past year?!

I have to get some things off my chest, things he needs to hear from me. Things I need to say to him & it’ll either smoke him out & he’ll tell me it’s him or he’ll pretend it’s not him. But this stranger thing is perfect, a perfect opportunity – pretending we’re other people. & if it’s not Noodle, then I will get it off my chest & move on, if it is Noodle, then I can still get those things off my chest but unless he wants to reveal himself, he can’t say anything to me. I am prepared for this, I am prepared for the hurt this may cause me. But I need to, I want to see this through! If not for me, for my readers! Hahaha – Sorry I shouldn’t joke. This is going to be painful but I have to do it.

The morning after the Royal Show, I wake up to find a message, several messages from Silverlining telling me that he has indeed trolled online for the sake of interaction & friendship, that he has given woman a false sense of the idea that they can sleep with him when he actually won’t. Then he says he’s going to do a guessing game with me & says “I’m guessing your a single woman in your 30s on the anonymous app who comes home to an empty house , and a empty bed your a hopeless romantic and struggle with dating , you accept what you can get and try and make it work & when it doesn’t you blame yourself. So you use the app and the online chat to fill that void in your life” Well fuck you if this is Noodle!

This group of messages makes me think that he also knows it’s me… He knows that would hurt me, the worst things I think about myself he’s now telling me…. He’s a fucking prick, still! After all this time… I can tell its him by the way he types, with the spelling your instead of you’re. The way his comma’s are a space away from the word, the times of day that he’s online – though there are a few odd timed messages, I’m assuming to throw me off the scent, just everything about the way he types screams Noodle. The banter & the conversation has never flowed like this with anyone else but him, ever! I am more certain than ever that this is Noodle.

I am a grumpy bitch in the morning & also I have just seen my ex boyfriend with his partner at the fucking show, so when I wake up I am in a fucking bad mood, this message pisses me off! What a wanker, I decide to hit back where it hurts “Well you sound like an asshole. You’re in a unhappy relationship & by the sounds of it, you don’t have a lot of friends either so of course you’re trolling online for what you’re missing at home. I don’t need to ask questions to pick up on that.” I tell him that if he was single, he wouldn’t be trolling online for friends, no man has ever wanted to just be friends who was using this app or any other app for that matter. But I tell him that he is right about me besides I don’t believe in happy endings or fairy tales. This blog has proved that!

His reply doesn’t surprise me “I’m not sure I like our guessing games” That confirms it… It has to be Noodle & I’m addicted again & waiting for his replies. Fuck I hate not knowing, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want to know it’s not Noodle… FUCK. He says “Sorry for being assholish honest with you” I know that he feels bad but I have him pegged like you wouldn’t believe! I tell him that I think that we only get one great love in our lives & that I’ve had it. That I won’t settle for just any loser I also know that I won’t have the type of love ever again in my life. He say that he does “legit” feels bad for saying that but he never claimed to be a good person. He says that I have lowered my standards, which I don’t think I have, I tell him that I haven’t lowered my standards of finding that epic love, one that changes who you are, one that you feel with every breath – I don’t think we have that twice. Now I have only loved one person, so i can’t even ever imagine loving someone the way I loved him. So correct me if you don’t agree, but I don’t think we ever have the same love with another person as we had.

He’s still pinning his hopes on Motocross though, saying he could be my next epic love story, but from other things Silverlining has said, Motocross is not interested in me. Silverlining then asks why I am not with this Epic Love (As I start calling him), I say that we had a lot of issues “To cut a long story short, if I had’ve been more open, things would probably be different. Yes I blame myself.” I tell him that I feel like I do it with every guy, I get scared of getting hurt so I shut down, self-sabotage “I am a loser. I don’t need a random guy on the anonymous app to psychoanalyse me to figure that out” I beat him too it, I don’t want him telling me I shouldn’t blame myself, I do – I mean not entirely but obviously I played a part… I mean I should’ve said so many things to Noodle, look it may not have changed the outcome, I will never know that, but then I wouldn’t think what if, what if, what it, so if I ever get another chance with him, I will tell him every day that I love him.

#IBD4U

Apologies for not posting this at 8:00am like I should’ve, I forgot I hadn’t finalised it & got home late (Not from a date! Hahaha) & just couldn’t make myself do it… So here it is, a little later in the day than usual, but also a little longer than usual too but better late than not at all!

Reading though the Silverlining texts to write that part of the story, I’ve realised that there are a bunch of things that I have forgotten to tell you about Motocross… I don’t think they really matter at this point as it’s not pivotal but it’s still as he says #Interesting. Most of you are all hoping it works out, but some of you are wanting me to get rid of him – you’ll have to keep reading to find out what happens I guess… But while I didn’t write about our conversations face to face (mainly because I don’t remember everything we’ve said) it doesn’t mean we didn’t talk or go deeper – I don’t write every single detail, of course. I realise now that I made a couple of jokes about Motocross’ spelling & that’s about the time that he stopped texting me as much, maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t want to text me, but I’d made a joke (& while I have spelling & grammar mistakes in my blog – generally from typing too fast not because I don’t know how to use it or spell & then my eyes skim over it when I re read it to edit it) I know he knows that I’m probably book smarter than him. Maybe that intimidated him & why he backed off from texting?!

Also he talked about how he owns the place in California – the house he lives in that apparently has a motorbike on his mantel piece – he’s very sentimental, he says he’s kept every helmet he’s ever used & they have a new one for each race. He also says that he also owns a holiday place in Florida where a bunch of other bike riders own too & they all have jet skis, he has a boat & of course he has a bunch of dirt bikes there plus more memorabilia. Again with the flaunting money & assets, I mean I tell him I have kayaks – which probably cost me under $500 for the two of them & all the accessories as they’re second hand! It makes me uncomfortable & almost inadequate. I know that women usually earn less than men & are happy with that, but I have never been with someone who seemingly is this fucking rich! I don’t even own my own car as I have a work car.

Also this is an epic tidbit that I forgot this because I mean – WHAT THE FUCK – but Motocross is in Brisbane one weekend & wanted to be back here for a race in Murray Bridge on the Sunday afternoon, he was in Brisbane doing the demons & it finished late in the night so he chartered a flight, yes you read that right, he chartered a flight. His dad’s friend apparently has a plane & was willing to bring them back here on Saturday evening after curfew (we have an 11:00 pm curfew for commercial jets in Adelaide) so he could race on Sunday. Okay so I know what you’re thinking, because I am thinking who the fuck has the money to charter a jet, I google how much it costs, approx. $20k. He made that over a weekend once, winning the race, so what’s a cool $20k to someone like him? Chump change! Well this is certainly not my reality, I scrape by sometimes, living pay cheque to pay cheque to set myself up for the future. I can’t really believe he’s chartered a jet, but like I said before, I’ve never dated a guy who could afford something like that… & if he’s lying about it, why?! I don’t care if he charters a jet. I mean it doesn’t impress me at all, it makes me uncomfortable… I barely had the $50 for bowling the other night, had to put it on a credit card, let alone chartering a private jet!

Does this make him a cheapskate because he hasn’t paid for as much as I have? Do we believe him that he even did this? If we don’t believe him, why would he lie about it? I’ve already fucked him & been seeing him for a couple of months, not trying to impress me to get me into bed?! If we do believe him & obviously didn’t try to pay for bowling, do you think it’s because he wants to make sure I’m not a gold digger?! Maybe previous girlfriends have been after him for his money?! But then why talk about money at all… I never talk about it if I can help it. URGH, overthinkers anonymous here I come!

So back to the story line, Motocross left our interaction or relationship whatever this is, pretty damaged from that bowling date, that I am not contacting him. He says he’ll text, so he either will or I am done with this shit. I can’t even be bothered anymore. But much to my surprise, Motocross does message me on Friday just before lunchtime says “Hey how’s your day going?” FUCK. Why does that make me smile like a loser?! Grrrr… I say a couple of hours later that I’ve been busy, the day is shit & ask how the show is – knowing he is there riding today… He takes another couple of hours to write back & says that he is busy too, the show is busy etc. I tell him that I am at work drinks then going a book launch (which was Writer) & he says to enjoy the night. I end up messaging later after the book launch, around 9:30 pm, saying have a safe flight etc. I don’t get a reply.

So we all know the Royal Adelaide Show sighting that has left me reeling, but I am also feeling like a douche because my little seven year old nephew is somehow now obsessed with the stunt bike riders, he tells me in the car on the way to the show that we are going to watch both bike shows. They have two shows per day, which Motocross is in during the week, apparently but he’s away on the weekends doing Crusty Demons, so he’s not at this show today as it’s Saturday. My nephew makes us watch both bike shows & the cars, saying how much he loves this scooter rider as well, Willy something. We watch the shows, I cringe the whole time hoping they don’t fall off & tell my sister about Motocross, my nephew asks & I say that one of my friends is usually riding in the show & I don’t tell him but I actually wish that Motocross was here as I would get him to come to talk to my nephew, he would be so excited! Later on my nephew uses my YouTube account to watch motocross racing, this Willy scooter boy & other stunt riders. Now every fucking suggestion on my YouTube is motorbike crashes or stunt riders. How embarrassing will that be if Motocross sees it one day?! FUCK. Hahaha.

On Monday after radio silence from Motocross all weekend, I am of course chatting to Silverlining & he is showing more interest in me than the guy I’ve been seeing for months, I am driving to Port Augusta for work for a few days, I am glad to be away TBH. My mum & dad are also working at the show so they’ve sourced me a free ticket, I am back Wednesday from this trip & thought maybe Wednesday night I would go to the show & meet up with Motocross. I am going to make this happen so I take matters into my own hands. I message & ask how his weekend was etc, usual text, he replies “Hey was just thinking bout you.” Awww, why the fuck does that make me smile like a wanker? He also says he is enjoying the show etc & replies to part of my message from Friday saying he’s glad I’m responsible. I tell him about my nephew being obsessed with the bike show plus the scooter dude & say I wish he was there to meet him & he says that he’s sorry he wasn’t. I tell him that I have a free ticket so I was thinking of coming to see him Wednesday night when I’m back in Adelaide. I tell him to let me know if he has time off between the shows & if I should come because otherwise I’ll give the ticket away if I won’t use it he says “I’d like to say yeah but will I’d have to see tho plus it’s meant to be raining and then we don’t ride so kinda hard to say sorry” I ask though if he’ll be there even if it’s raining, because we could hang out regardless, surely they don’t just go home when it starts raining?! They’d have to be there no matter what right? He says that he probably won’t be there & so I say “Geez you’re making it hard… Don’t have to see you at the show, just thought since I had a spare ticket…” He says “I’m sorry I promise I’ll let you know tomorrow then yeah” I am suspicious not for the first time with this guy but this is the most suspicious I’ve been… Of course I don’t hear from him at all Tuesday as promised & I just don’t even give a fuck anymore… Whatever, this is fucking weird, I don’t know what his deal is. I have Silverlining swooping in & chatting to me, actually showing interest in me – why do I need to bother with Motocross who clearly isn’t into me at all & lying his ass off!

At breakfast at the hotel on Wednesday before I head home, I am speaking to Silverlining of course & annoyed about the whole Motocross thing that I just text dad & let him know he can give the ticket away – I’m obviously not going to the show to see him. But then as I hit send, Motocross messages at 8:20 am to ask if I am going to the show, well what a fuckwit, I was only going to see him, I’ve been with my sister & kids, I am not planning on going for any other reason, which is what I basically say at almost 11:00 am. He replies almost right away saying that it’ll probably be cancelled tonight. I tell him when I get back to Adelaide that I am home & if he’s not at the show then he could come over being he’ll be free… He says yes that if it’s cancelled, he’ll come see me for sure – I don’t write back, what is with this guy?! I decide to go to the gym as usual, during the weights class I see on my watch his cute little face & a message “Hey you home” I am obviously not home & can’t reply, just before the class finishes about 30 minutes later, he calls me which I can’t answer either but it makes me smile like a tool at the fact he’s messaged & called me to try to see me tonight, my mum also calls me around the same time & I can’t answer either call.

After the gym at 8:00 pm, I call Motocross back & say I am on my way home to give me a few minutes but come over at 8:30 pm. I then call mum back too, she asks if I am at the show as she wants to see me, I say no but she asks what my bike riding friends name is, I laugh & say I am not telling her because I don’t want her to talk to him & then I say “It doesn’t matter anyway as he’s not there because they cancelled the show” There’s a weird silence, I ask if she’s still on the phone with me & she says “Um, I’m watching them ride now #IBD4U” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! I hate when your parent uses your name that way too, you can just imagine a mum saying to you, she doesn’t want to break my heart but knows I need to know, they say your name quietly. I try to dismiss it, saying that’s weird he said it was cancelled & I act all nonchalant & say that it doesn’t matter anyway as he’s on his way to my house, so I’ll ask about it when he gets there.

By the time Motocross gets to my house, I feel like my head is going to explode with questions. I don’t want to blurt them all out, I need some time to process this before I snap & come across accusatory. I turn on YouTube & he notices that my fucking suggestions are all about motorbikes, that I have to explain that my nephews were watching on the weekend. I try not to over explain so I don’t look like I’m lying, I’ve told him about my nephew liking the Willy scooter guy & Motocross tells me that he knows this kid as they used to do Nitro Circus together & he’s messaged him to ask him to sign something for my Nephew! OMG… That is so fucking sweet, I tell my sister but we don’t say anything to my nephew obviously because I don’t know if either guy will come through with the goods so I just tell Motocross that it’s heaps sweet of him to do & he says that the Willy kid owes him a favour so it’s ok.

It’s almost like Motocross or the universe knows I want to talk but needed time to process my thoughts about this whole show thing, I mean I was only going to see him & he acted all weird about it, he also said it was cancelled but my mum was at the actual show watching the bike riders… Or is it that I am getting closer to finding out that everything Motocross has told me is a load of fucking bullshit? It’s not even 10:00 pm & Motocross looks at his watch & says that his dad has been calling & just messaged & said to come home. He doesn’t bring his phone with him so he only has the message on his watch. He says that he doesn’t know what this is about & will go home to find out but will come back. Couple of things here – why didn’t he just call his dad to ask what is wrong rather than leaving. Also ages ago his phone was broken due to being in water yet he doesn’t have his phone here now & is sending & receiving text messages but couldn’t message me that weekend?! FUCK.

Motocross literally runs out the door so fast, no hug or even a proper goodbye but he says that he will come back shortly. I say no worries but as soon as he leaves, I get into my pjs & get into bed, he is 100% not coming back! I feel it in my gut. I just know it… I feel like an idiot…

#IBD4U

The more I talk to Silverlining, the less I care about Motocross, which is dumb. Who the fuck is Silverlining anyway? If Silverlining is Noodle, do I want to go there again? If it’s not Noodle then I actually am getting along with him better than I have gotten along with Motocross in 6-7 weeks of dating him & maybe I should be dating Silverling!

I don’t know what has me addicted to chatting to Silverlining, is it the thrill that it might be Noodle? Or is it just that I know I am not 100% happy with what I’ve got so I’m trolling online for something else…?! Am I just like every guy that I’ve chatted too or dated? I’ve told you before I don’t believe monogamy can work, I don’t think we’re supposed to be with just one person, but at any sign that it’s not working out, do I self-sabotage?!

I ask if I can share what I scares me with Motocross without judgement, he of course says yeah “He’s a big kid. His job – he gets novelty cheques & tried to use them as a joke in a shop (I think that’s fucking hilarious), his toys like boats, jetskis, bikes etc… I really like this his personality, jokey & hilarious but I am worried that it will get old – like really quickly. Like annoying… I’m yet to see a serious side” I haven’t told you that about Motocross, I literally was laughing my head off when he said he got a giant cheque & it didn’t fit in his suit case, he likes to keep them for mementos so he brought it home & tried to use it at the airport to pay for something. That shit is funny, but if he did it every trip, you’d totally get annoyed.

Silverlining keeps telling me I am off the market, I deny it… I mean I am not off the market! Lets face it… But he thinks we’re exclusive & not using condoms so I am off the market – I say just because I’ve decided not to fuck others, doesn’t mean I’m off the market, I mean Motocross is being weird. I get that he has some sort of issue, he’s told me he’s been destroyed by women before.

I tell him about my rule & that I don’t message first, Silverlining says that everyone has that rule (even Noodle did) I tell him that I’m trying to change as I figure that’s why maybe I’ve lost contact with some guys in the past & he says “The guys were never really into you haha and that’s why you lost them” It’s like a kick in the guts. I am almost 100% sure that this is Noodle, I have always doubted Noodle’s feelings for me after how he ended it & what he did, coming to my house like a thief in the night, with his mentally unstable partner in the car, to get his stuff back & leaving his key, then emailing me for months afterwards. I also question how much he loved me, I don’t think I will ever get over that, did he actually love me?!

When we’re talking about Motocross never giving me head or fingering me, Silverlining just says that not all men like it & if he hasn’t done it, he probably won’t unless I ask. I am not that bothered about him giving me head – most men aren’t that good at it anyway. I tell Silverlining how amazing my ex made me at it & say “It’s easy, go really deep a few times to get a lot of spit then use your hand for the shaft twisting as you rub up & down, then suck the top & use your tongue. Then every now & then lick from the balls to the tip & repeat” I know that if this is Noodle, he will tell me he’s hard or he’ll say “Shhh you” his reply says “Thanks for turning me on” I just say that I was giving him a tip & he says that I gave him a tip in his pants.

Silverlining tells me I am whipped & wrapped around Motocross little finger, perhaps I am or perhaps I am just willing to put in some effort with a man, ironically with a man who’s not interested in me. The next day after seeing Motocross but not having sex with him, I tell Silverlining that we didn’t have sex, when he says “I’m surprised you didn’t rape him last night” I obviously DON’T condone rape at all however, it was always a term that Noodle & I used with each other – that obviously isn’t used often with randoms for being taken literal, but it just makes me think that this is Noodle even more!

Silverlining tells me not to doubt myself, stop thinking so low of myself & start trusting again. I have told him of British & Noddy so far, so he knows that I am struggling even more to trust men after those two recent experiences. I say “Thanks for that, so helpful” & Silverlinng replies “Look, I’ve chatted to you for a few days but I can tell your not a normal woman , you come across incredibly sexy and smart and your probably so much better than you think you are. So don’t be so harsh on yourself. And if everything is showing you he is genuine then trust your gut. That will usually tell you when something is wrong. And I’m sure your beautiful too.” I tell him that I am the best I have looked but a noob at love. He says that I need to be confident & that I have probably been fine at love.

He asks how many times I have “legit fucked it up” with a man, I mean Noodle always said legit… I just say that I am the common denominator, I haven’t really done anything specific to fuck up any relationship I have been in, like I don’t think I have pushed any men away as such, I may have done the wrong thing sometimes, but I haven’t actually done something to fuck it up. He says he knows that’s what the answer was going to be but he wanted me to say it, he says that it’s not my fault & I shouldn’t blame myself. He tells me I have the sex part down, I just need to work on the feelings part, that most women have issues with the sex part but get feelings really easily… I don’t think that’s true, but maybe it is. I know I don’t get real feelings easily & I have talked to a lot of married men who’s wives clearly don’t give them sex, so maybe it’s a wife thing or maybe I do have the sex thing sorted?! He says that some women just lay there or are prudes, I just need to focus on the affection. I mean I agree, I am good at sex, but shit at the intimacy part… He tells me to show affection & talk about my feelings with Motocross – is he serious?! I can’t do that…As much as I want too, I really am not a feelings talking type of girl. He suggests that I offer a massage, I literally burst out laughing with that suggestion, I so couldn’t do that… I mean I don’t think I’ve ever massaged anyone, well maybe Crows when he made me for 5 minutes with a timer! Silverlining tells me to be affectionate & cheeky at bowling, which is why I wear lingerie to put me in that mindset & I do expect the night to be cheeky, but Motocross’ head isn’t in it as you know & it makes me awkward.

I ask Silverlining if he’s single, since he seems to be offering so much advice about relationships, instead of just saying yes or no & ending the conversation there, he refuses to answer, avoiding the question making a bigger deal about it than it ever needed to be. Considering this is an anonymous app, he could totally lie & I’d be none the wiser but avoiding the question made me realise that my suspicions are probably correct, that I am chatting to Noodle & he knows or suspects that it’s me. FUCK! So when he refuses to answer, I say that he’s in a relationship but not entirely happy, he refuses to acknowledge it again, again! OMG. It’s fucking him… I need to stop this. He is still on this stupid app… FUCK…

I tell a couple of people that I think I am chatting to Noodle, fuck the universe! It’s really hard to admit it to be really frank with you, I mean I know this is not a good idea, but there is so much I need to know, so much I want to say to him… My sister tells me to stop – immediately, my friends tell me to stop. But I am a moth to a flame… I am a kid in a candy store – I just want more…

Silverlining thinks that Motocross is just after companionship & that he himself has trolled online in the past for a companion. I don’t agree that Motocross is looking at me as just a companion. I don’t think men troll online dating for just a companion. Yes I agree that’s what everyone wants out of life, is a companion, I don’t disagree with him on that, however I don’t think that single men on a dating app are just looking for a friend & I don’t think that’s what he’s looking for, however, I may have been friend zoned, I’m not 100% sure on that yet… Stay tuned to find out, I guess. Silverlining thinks that he’s not that into me. I mean if I listen to the book, then yeah I agree, but I don’t think a guy would see you 3-4 times a week if they aren’t into you… Fuck I have no idea what Motocross wants, I really don’t. I’m so confused.

So chatting to Silverlining in bed in the morning, my sister messages me & asks me to go to the Royal Adelaide show with her because her husband hurt his back. Silverlining is replying quickly to every message then stops. Pretty much the same pattern Noodle had around 10:00am on a Saturday when she gets up… As I am getting ready for the show, something inside me says that I will see Noodle at the show – a feeling I can’t shake… Why do I feel like I will see him today? It’s been a year since we spoke (If this isn’t Noodle). I spend a while getting ready to go, with makeup that I wouldn’t usually wear during the day or to the royal show FFS. I don’t have time to do my hair after the gym so I throw it in a top knot & put on a cute headband. We get to the show – I tell my sister on the way that I have this feeling about seeing him, she tells me not to worry & enjoy the day with the kids. I try to relax, but we are there about 6 fucking minutes when Noodle walks casually past me. FUCK! It’s like slow motion in a movie, he’s slim & tall, he now has a tattoo on his arm – just like Doppleganger, that’s new!? – walking pushing a pram with his partner trailing behind him, who I think is staring at me first. I look at his partner & she sees me, like she notices who I am, but he doesn’t seem to notice me or look in my direction at all, however he’s wearing glasses & I can’t see his eyes. I knew they would still be together, I mean he hasn’t contacted me, so I assume that it wasn’t over, but seeing them together really hurts me. FUCK it hurts! I point him out to my sister & I literally go into a meltdown mode. I am shaking, my tummy churns. I can’t eat the rest of the day, I am on edge looking out for them for the rest of the day. Motherfucker!

I mean I knew deep down they were still together, because I’m 100% certain he would’ve messaged me had they broken up but seeing him with her, for the very first time ever in the 2.5 years since it all began with him, literally killed me. I never thought I would be faced with seeing them together, I’ve not even really seen pictures of them together. I am now looking around without even enjoying the show with the kids. FUCK.

Later in the day, standing outside a hall, Noodle is standing there tall & fucking slim as ever, doing something with his partner. I want him to see me but I can’t let him see me either. We have to walk past him to do what we are doing, so I grab my nephews hand & stand up straight (sucking in my gut which is smaller than it was when we were together) then walk past him without looking at him – I am the bigger person here, I am not going to let him rattle me. My sister says he looked at her but not at me. I don’t see him again, which is good however all day I am on the lookout for him. I never relax. I also can’t eat, I feel sick. I have come so far & this is a major setback! What the fuck…

I hate that I am not enjoying the day now, constantly on the lookout because when I stopped thinking about him, he appeared. I wonder if they both saw me? I wonder if she knew who I was? I’m pretty sure her look lingered.

At about 7:00 pm I feel relieved, like I can feel that Noodle has gone home that I check the anonymous app & there is a message from Silverlining waiting for me – I’m 100% certain this is Noodle now – does he know it’s me?! I can relax now. Noodle has gone home! Thank god, I don’t need to be on edge anymore. Fuck why is my life such a joke!! I finally have a nice, cute, single funny man, albeit who doesn’t seem 100% interested in me anymore & has some weird flags waving but I like him & then Noodle reappears?! You can’t make this stuff up, my life it just someone having a laugh, am I in the sims game? You know where you’re in charge of if they go to work etc? Someone is playing & having a good fucking time playing!

#IBD4U

Just FYI – if you skipped over Sundays Silverlining blog post because you wanted a Motocross post, then I suggest you go back & read it before you read this one, it is important to the #IBD4U story! Trust me, you probably need to read it before you read anything else!

One thing I also forgot to tell you, is that Motocross told me about a house he was looking at buying, I can’t help but think this is a good sign, I ask if he’s looking at moving back here & he says that’s always the plan. I can’t help but think if this goes well, we can do long distance or something for a while, or I could live in America – would be good to get away from Adelaide for a while. He tells me that the house he’s found has a pool & is in a small town in the Adelaide hills. We sort of don’t linger on the topic but the next day I look it up on the internet – like a fuckwit, there is only one house with a pool in that town on the real estate website & it’s a fucking god damn mansion! I am literally floored at the fucking house… It’s got a horse stable, a vineyard, an infinity pool, the whole house is remodelled, it’s absolutely stunning, a fucking dream house! I show a couple of people at work, including my boss – who starts planning the house warming party (He’s worse than me! Not that I’m denying planning where my amazing furniture would go in this house! Hahaha…) WTF as if a guy I am dating could afford this?! This type of house is not in my reality at all… I mean most of my friends have houses, nice houses but not dream houses! I have no idea what the price is because it’s only open by appointment & the price isn’t listed. FUCK. It kind of makes me uncomfortable at how much debt I have & how much money he has. I mean I am lucky & in a good position in my life, I have a house & an investment property however I’m in a fuck ton of debt! But this actually kicks my butt to get my finances sorted – while I still have mortgages, I work really hard while dating Motocross to pay off my afterpay & credit card so I have some savings. I mean I am going to Queensland in a few weeks too! I plan to do a lot of shopping!

Motocross also tells me that is car that he drives is worth about $75k. It’s a older Holden Commodore ute thing. Now I know cars a little so I know it’s a nice car, but fuck if that car is worth $75k, then I’m a monkeys uncle! He also tells me that he has a BMW van, which he does drive to my house one night, I don’t ever really see it but I notice his car key when he puts it down. As he generally only brings one key in & doesn’t bring his phone or wallet.

This is also about the time I write the What the fuck is there to do in Adelaide? blog (Do you remember that one!? It was about Motocross – if you haven’t already joined those dots. Hahaha.) I didn’t want to keep just hanging around my house, especially since we aren’t having a lot of sex anymore, that I write that post asking you what we can do & I start planning some fun dates. Unfortunately he’s always away on the weekends so we have to do after work things – which limits things but it’s still better than watching YouTube & listening to music 3-4 times a week.

I don’t hear from Motocross Wednesday or Thursday so I message when I get home on Thursday night after work & ask if he wants to do dinner before bowling, he says yeah that he’s just leaving the city now. After chatting to Silverlining about this date, I decide to put on my favourite lingerie, not that Motocross will probably notice, but I put it on anyway to make me feel better. I am going to make a move tonight! Yes, I can do it!

Motocross gets to my house about 6:30 pm, I’ve booked online the bowling alley but my friend at work told me he needs to absolutely pay for bowling. That he owes me, I’ve paid for everything & he keeps boasting about his money that he needs to pay. I don’t have a lot of money as it’s the end of the fortnight & I really want steak so I take him to a new steak house near my house but there is a fucking quiz night on! I literally laugh my head off at the fact we’re trying to go somewhere with a fucking quiz night again, it’s freezing outside & I suggest we sit outside or try the fancy burger joint up the road. He doesn’t have a jacket (& is shivering) but we walk up the road to the burger place & as we order, he stands back so I pay for me own & then he steps up & pays for his… I am all for paying my own way, you know I’m an independent woman with a mortgage & an investment property, I do not need a man to pay for anything for me – ever. However this man has bragged about a $90k car he’s just bought his brother, he’s talked about a mansion he’s potentially buying, he’s told me that he wins $20k per weekend at the races, so surely this guy can fork out the $20 for my dinner?! That’s ok, I’ll somehow get him to pay for the 2 games of bowling which is almost $50. Yes he can pay for the bowling!

We eat awkwardly at a stool, there are no tables & it’s messy so I try so hard not to look like a slob with burger all over my face. We eat then I drive us to the bowling alley, there is about 5 people in there, I was expecting it to be more packed but it’s not. I stand at the counter checking in while Motocross stands back & I pull out my card to pay for the bowling, which I can’t really afford, because he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket again. I have to put it on my credit card. It puts a dampener over the evening for me, I was expecting a cheeky night where we sit next to each other between bowls & chat or kiss… But he sits at the other end of the bench that I sit at & I think he couldn’t possibly get any further away from me if he tried.

I bowl first & get a strike, acting all coy about being reasonable at this game. Between shots we don’t touch or act cheeky like I have went bowling before – remember Fireman?! When I went bowling with him we sat close, we touched, we were cheeky – it was like a proper date. However it was darker at that bowling alley, it’s bright as fuck in here, with every fluro overhead light that is possible being on. It’s not really date sort of lighting, lets put it that way. Motocross asks me if I want a drink, I say yes & he comes back with a giant cup of soda that I assume he’s only going to buy me one beer! Between shots, he starts playing with his phone a lot, standing behind the partition that holds all the bowling balls, so much so that it makes me suspicious & I ask him what he’s doing, he stays he’s getting messages about this weekend’s show & riding at the Royal show which is starting tomorrow. Stuff he has to sort out. He apologises but my mood has taken a further nose dive. I shut down & barely speak, thinking this guy is just not into me. Silverlining is right, I mean I am invested with this guy & he clearly isn’t into me at all!

I feel like a fucking idiot, I am wearing lingerie, I am really interested in this man & he couldn’t give a fuck about me… Why do I feel so stupid… Yet another man has used me for whatever purpose…

When we drive home, he plays with his phone in the car, I am in more of a mood, I mean he made me drive, he didn’t put his hand in his pocket for anything yet constantly talks about money, I’ve never been with a guy who talks as much about how much things cost as Motocross does. I don’t even think I’ve told him I own my house – actually I think I did tell him I own my house but don’t think he knows about my investment. I did so an experiment once to tell men that I rented, that I didn’t have a mortgage because apparently I am too independent. However it makes no difference. What is this with Motocross? Are we friends?! Can we even be considered friends at this point?

He comes in, which actually surprises me tonight. I get even grumpier because I get the feeling we’re not going to have sex as well. I am certainly not making a move on him tonight & I think he can pick up on my vibe. I want him to go. But I mean the only thing that will turn this around now, is if we have sex.

We sit around talking for an hour or so listening to youtube music videos. He has at least put his phone away & is paying attention to me. We’re talking about how he’s riding at the Royal show all week & then the weekend he’s away for crusty demons then he’s back riding at the show. I yawn a lot & try to give signals that I want him to leave – this is a new development for me, I have never wanted a man to leave. I mean I want him to stay because he wants to stay, but as soon as he says he should go, I just up, ready to say goodbye. Normally I take a while to get off the couch or he has to pull me up to hug me, tonight, I am ready to for him to leave. I feel deflated & stupid. I have worn my favourite lingerie to make myself feel better & to see if his eyes pop when he sees me in it – just like Noodle would, but he’s been more interested in his phone that I think I am just his friend.

He hugs me goodbye, even longer than usual, I try to pull away quicker but he hangs on, like he knows I am not happy but doesn’t know what to say… He doesn’t sent a date to see me again, he says he’ll text tomorrow, I say sure. I think he can sense the tone of the evening & knows I am really pissed. I mean it’s 11:00 pm & he’s leaving, without sex, without a kiss, without another prospect of a date… I am shutting down & I don’t even care if he can tell or not to be honest. I am not contacting this guy again, if he’s keen, he’ll be true to his word & message tomorrow, if he’s not, then I’m ok with that.

Or am I just putting on a brave front because I think this man is not into me & pulling away?

#IBD4U

It’s almost a year since I ignored Noodle’s last email to me. (at time of writing, not time of posting this blog – I’m always behind remember!) In blog time we’re at the very end of August 2019 for those keeping track of the timeline here, I ignored his email in September 2018.

It’s killed me almost every day not to write back – not to try to contact him but I have done it – somehow. I still think about him a lot, except when I am seeing someone, I still thik about him daily, but not as much as I do when I’m not dating… The whole Noddy debacle helped me get over thinking about Noodle as much, I’ve seen that there are still shit men out there, which makes it hard, but at this time in my life, I was actually posting the love stuff about Noodle on my blog for you so it was really hard to write & keep the blog going. But it can be so cathartic writing about him, it is hard when I am seeing someone to write too – mainly because I don’t want to remember what epic love I had with Noodle. It was epic for me, but I think every day that it wasn’t epic for him otherwise we’d be together?!

So of course, I am seeing Motocross at this time & I am unsure about what is going on with him – it’s hot & cold or maybe it’s the expiration thing because he’s going back to the USA or maybe he’s just not that into me but I am confused. He’s seemed into me & now is pulling away, I am still on the chat app but I don’t use it as much while seeing Motocross, but for some reason, I just want to chat, so I resort to the anonymous app to get some advice from random strangers – something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m always scared that I am going to find Noodle on the app – I know he used to use it & I also just haven’t wanted to use it in a long time for anything.

I post something I know will get me a hundred messages from desperate men (hahaha) “Guys: What do you like a woman’s hands to do when you’re getting busy” I have to write busy because the app won’t let me post getting head or fucking or even sex. I chat to a couple of guys & think nothing of a few responses, ignoring a lot of douches. But it does exactly what I want, I get responses & chat to a few to pass the time, taking my mind off waiting for Motocross to message me.

A few days later I post “A guy says ‘You’re the best I’ve ever had’ Is he saying that to get lucky again or does he really mean it?” A guy called Silverlining replies… “If you fuck him like a pornstar , probably yes as most chicks don’t do much , if you just give him normal stuff then he just wants to get lucky again lol” My interest is piqued, Noodle said I fucked him like a porn star, no one else has ever used that phrase with me – ever… I am suspicious of this guy already… The commas not being up against the word is Noodle all over… But the rest of the grammar is correct, the use of emojis, the multiple messages instead of one long one all just screams Noodle. I don’t know if it is, I may never know… But I can’t stop chatting to this person… The app only gives you a name you choose yourself & a age bracket, it’s not his age bracket, but I don’t use mine either. This app is fucked too, I don’t get notifications on it anymore so I have to constantly check it all the time for messages, which is part of the reason why I stopped using it.

I always avoid anything that is like Noodle, however I am drawn to this person, I start easily oversharing with Silverlining, so much so that I am unsure why I am doing it & why I feel like there are things I need to say. If this is Noodle, there are things I want him to know… If it’s not there I guess I am oversharing for no reason. I tell Silverlining about British & Noddy & how they ended it with me, I mean one pretended to live in Adelaide to date me & the other broke up with my via snapchat. He tells me that men are good manipulators & will tell women anything to get them into bed (I know this already) however he said if I’m already fucking them regularly such as Motocross & they tell you that you’re the best they’ve ever had, then they’re probably not lying. If they’re already guaranteed sex, then they generally won’t lie about the sex being the best if it’s not. Apparently, according to Silverlining, that’s kind of sacred, you don’t tell a chick she’s amazing if she’s not. Really?! Guess that makes sense. He keeps telling me not to doubt myself, I should believe this guy (Motocross), I tell him what bad self esteem I have & he says “Well you sound like your own worst enemy , your probably a fucking amazing person and doubt yourself way too much” Fuck, it just seems like Noodle! How does this guy even know me, know that I doubt myself way too much? I wonder if it is Noodle, I wonder if it is him, does he think it’s me?!

He’s asking me lots of questions about Motocross, I tell him that he’s currently living overseas but here staying with his parents while here for work, so there’s an expiration. He tells me to believe what Motocross is saying about how good in bed I am, He asks if I now believe that I am the best after chatting to this random on the anonymous app. Do I believe Motocross just because a Noodle type character says I should?!

Silverlining also doesn’t ever ask for a photo. Which surprises me, most guys ask within 2 messages even though I’ve posted about relationship advice – they always still ask for a picture. This guy doesn’t ask for a picture at all & just keeps the chat going offering advice – which is advice I already know, that because I’m so desperate for a boyfriend that I am ignoring all the warning signs. He doesn’t say it like that, but pretty much sums it up. I also realise that I ignored Silverlining when he replied to my first post about what a guy wants a woman to do with her hands when fucking – his reply was “Touch our bodies, either our dick if we are kissing , or our arms or even nipples haha , we are not much different to women” Hmmmm… That makes me think thinks is Noodle even more! What is he doing still using this app! FUCK.

I tell Silverlining that I don’t think Motocross is a liar, he does seem genuine when I’m face to face, some guys I can tell there is something not right, but my gut instinct here doesn’t raise anything – I mean there are some red flags, I get that – I’ve picked up on that, but my gut usually can identify when a guy isn’t genuine or lying or if I’m never going to see them again, I don’t ever get this vibe from Motocross, I don’t think he’s ever just saying stuff to get me into bed – clearly as we’re not even having sex. He pretty much has always done what he says he’s going too & the man is seeing me 3-4 times a week – sex or not, he’s locking in the next date. Yeah we may not be having sex every time but that’s not a bad thing, it is?! I don’t hear from Silverlining after about 5:45 pm that day – the same pattern as Noodle… Maybe a coincidence?! Or am I just looking for clues that this is Noodle?

After the cuddly evening with Motocross, I go back to Silverlining for advice on how Motocross has said something similar again about me being the best he’s ever had. Silverlining asks me how many guys have told me I’m the best they’ve ever had. I said 3-4 but now I can’t really remember who said it, I know Noodle said it & Motocross, but who else?! I know someone else has said it to me too… Just can’t remember.

Silverlining then asks what my hottest session was, now I have a few things go through my mind, if it’s Noodle, he wants to hear that he was the best, which he was, of course, no contest but then again I don’t want to boost his ego plus if it is Noodle, do I want him knowing it’s me? That will give it away, maybe that’s Silverlining’s game here?! I just tell him that I had a kinky dom who I like restraints with & we did pretty much everything, I mean could I really narrow down the hottest time I ever had with Noodle!?

He tells me that I need to share one, after saying I like restraints & that guys tell me I’m the best, so I say that there are too many, but I choose the second time that Noodle & I ever fucked, where I tied myself to the bed & waited for him to come find me… That was pretty fucking hot considering it was only the second time I’d ever fucked Noodle & literally the third time we’d ever met face to face. I mean maybe not the hottest, but was pretty fucking hot in the infancy of the relationship. He says “That does sound pretty hot , Lucky guy ! Haha your such a tease , you say there is no way too many to remember.” Hmmm the spaces between the commas… FUCK… It’s totally Noodle?! Especially since the grammar is perfect expect for your.

I have told him that I think something is wrong with me, so he asks why I would think that, being this guy has said I’m the best. Well I mean any guy can say I’m the best, but still must be something wrong with me, I’m still single FFS, they always date me for a while then end up with someone else… He says “Plenty more fish in the sea” but then says that I probably hate that saying, which I do & that I probably hear it all the time, which I do too. He tells me not to get too attached until I’m allowed to, I ask when am I allowed too? & he says when a relationship is possible… Interesting, isn’t a relationship possible?! He says that his advice it to have the awkward conversation now before the end of the arrangement (AKA expiry date of Motocross going home) I tell him that I’m not attached but I do want to see him as much as we can & Silverlining says that it sounds like I am attached & that I need to be honest with myself & then him! That’s fucking annoying advice because it’s 100% what I need to do…

Like an idiot I can’t stop chatting to Silverlining. I am desperate to know what is going on with him – if this is Noodle, I am desperate to talk with him… There are also things I still need to say. I was doing so well. I was moving on but the fact that Motocross is pulling away from me, I am confused & stupidly, I can’t ask Motocross what we are! Why am I always emotionally retarded? Is this why I never get what I want from men? I’m certain that there are some lies or just white lies with Motocross but I don’t want it to end so I don’t want to ask him what the deal is because I know there is something not right with the relationship we have – if you can call it that, but stupidly Motocross is the first guy since Noodle that I can actually see a real future with, but I’m not even sure why that is, since he’s probably lying to me.

#IBD4U

When I wake up I decide not to write back straight away to Motocross’ message saying that he’s changed his flight, I mean I am not sure I believe it. But is it so unbelievable that a man would want to change his flight so he could see me?! Or do I just not believe any of what this guy is telling me because I can’t google him & he should be easily googled from info that he’s told me about his occupation?!

I make him (for a change) wait till almost 11:00 am for my reply “Hey sorry I was asleep when I got your message. I have a hair appointment tonight so will be home about 9-9:30 if that’s ok?” he says it sounds good. We don’t talk again for the rest of the day. After my appointment, I send him a message that I’ll be home in the next 10 minutes. He replies instantly “Sounds good I’ll be inside you in 20” with a poking out tongue emoji. FUCK finally! I say that I hope so & he says “Lol it’s happening” Maybe it isn’t just friends for him?

I walk in the door, turn on the heater, grab a beer & shortly after Motocross knocks on the door. Really, he’s still knocking, unless I tell him the door is unlocked he knocks?! Anyway whatever, lets not dwell on that… He gets to my house & I kind of expect to be pushed up against the wall in the throws of passion, but he comes in awkwardly & doesn’t kiss me hello, he says something about my hair (at least he says something about my hair!) & we sit on the couch, chatting.

It’s already after 9:30 pm when we sit chatting, both us take turns in getting up to warm by the heater, when he is standing by the heater at one point, I say something about his flight that was supposed to be today & he says that if I had’ve written back to him last night that he would’ve come over then (Murray Bridge is an hour & a half drive from my house – he wouldn’t have got here till after 12:30 am – would he have really come over?!) & his reply said that he had already changed his flight to come over tonight, but he says “Well I changed it cos I wanted to see you.” I sit there unable to look at him thinking how fucking cute that is – smirking like an idiot, I say that quietly & he asks what I said, coming back over to the couch to sit next to me, this time a little closer, I tell him that it’s fucking cute that he changed his flight… I feel like I don’t blush a lot in real life (As you can imagine, I am quite open with a lot of things – blushing isn’t something that happens often) but I am blushing. So it’s not long (but it’s longer than 20 minutes) that Motocross & I lean into kiss each other, both realising we need to make a move at the same time, we kiss & have sex in my bedroom the same way as we have most times we’ve fucked. It’s good & I can’t believe how much I missed it. What a relief.

Laying there afterwards, naked in bed, he says “We should’ve done that 4 times ago” I can’t help but giggle, not only do I agree & wish we had fucked the last few times but how fucking cute is it that he knows how many times he’s seen me that we haven’t had sex!! I ask why didn’t we have sex 4 times & he just says he doesn’t know… I mean I have no excuse for it either, it’s not like we’re tired, He leaves at midnight or later, it’s not that late that we’re so tired we don’t want too. He also tells me at this time that I’m the best at giving head that he’s ever had… I like sucking dick, we all know that… However this guy hasn’t ever gone down on me & he’s still not touched my clit to get me off. Yet I’m still sucking his dick? & he’s not the first guy to tell me that I’m the best they’ve ever had… So I know I am good at it, great even…

He gets up to leave around 1:30 am, giving me that lingering hug at the door & saying he’ll message me tomorrow. Which is also a new development too, saying that he’ll message tomorrow. He usually just plans the next date before he leaves or just hugs me, so saying he’ll message tomorrow is quite new. I also will now stupidly expect a message, I mean if I say I’m going to message, then I will message. So unfortunately for me, tomorrow I will think about nothing else, until he messages me… I almost wish he didn’t say he would message me, because then I can just go about my day & not think about why he hasn’t messaged me.

The next day, I think about him all day. I know his flight to wherever he is going is today, that he changed – I don’t know what time it is though… I still can’t believe I fell for that – is it even true?! Well I’ll never know so we will just give him the benefit of the doubt! I wait for his message & the whole day I jump every time I get a notification on my phone waiting for his fucking message! Fuck you Motocross for saying he’d message! It’s Friday night, I have a work social club event, bowling & laser tag so I am out when I see his name pop up on my watch “Hey how was your day?” Wow he actually messaged me first! I tell him that I’m on my way home & ask how his flight was, he asks how bowling is & I say that I won the game of bowling & came 4^th in laser tag. He sounds surprised that I say I’m not that shit at activities. He says that he is surprised but didn’t think I was shit. I tell him that I could kick his ass he replies “haha settle down miss pumping your own tires much” Why the fuck do men call women miss? Especially women older than them. It’s weird! I tell him that I have to pump my own tyres as no one else will! He says that I was good at mini golf & he says about bowling “I thought you might get distracted with balls in hands. True I’d pump ya but not your tires tho” I tell him that he did that last night & it felt fucking amazing, he says he’s keen for more though (tho). Well that’s good to know – I guess. I tell him that I’ll take him bowling & how him how good I am & that I am keen for more too. He says “Yeah that sounds good I’m keen” I ask if he means bowling or sex & he says both. I say good answer & he says correct. I don’t reply as I fall asleep.

We don’t talk again until Sunday when I message to ask how his weekend was & if he won his race. He says that he did (of course!) I tell him that I have been out this weekend for a ride with nephew, he then asks what I’m doing tonight! Finally this dude is making plans. Interestingly when I back off a bit, he seems to realise. I tell him that my family is over & he came come over after, he says ”Yeah sure I can cum” I smirk at that, I message him at 8:20 pm to say my family is going now, but when he’s still not at my house at 8:45 pm nor has he replied, that I send another message. I don’t get a reply but he rocks up 15 minutes later, with no kiss as he walks in but an apology for being later & not replying to my texts.

We sit down on the couch watching music, I prefer to put on music because then we talk. If we watch a dumb movie, we actually watch the movie. Motocross sits closer to me tonight instead of on the other end of the couch, we actually snuggle while chatting, which is also a new development, I’m not a really cuddly person, so I don’t mind not cuddling but this is nice to sit, chat & cuddle for a change. It’s been 6 weeks with Motocross & we’ve been on over 20 dates & we’re finally cuddling on the couch like a couple. While our sex is the same as in his moves are the same, no foreplay besides kissing, it’s also very different, it feels different, more connected perhaps? Motocross tells me afterwards that I am the best he’s ever had. This isn’t new news to me, I’ve been told this before & he’s told me similar before.

When Motocross jumps up to leave, I am perplexed. I do tell him that he can stay over sometimes & he says he definitely will, we have the lingering hug goodbye & he asks what I’m doing Tuesday, am I free to catch up, which I say that I am. Ironically though, he knows I have a high sex drive, he’s told me that he has a high sex drive, we’re obviously moving into a more than friends, more than sex vibe, why doesn’t he want to stay over? Why doesn’t he want to message me more? Is it because he’s leaving for the USA in a couple of months & he’s getting attached already? I don’t know why I can’t ask the questions, I don’t want to ruin then time when we’re together. I also don’t want to be that crazy woman demanding he message me every day & then I become an obligation. I want someone to want to be with me because they want to be with me – not because I give them an ultimatum or pull a stunt!

We don’t message again after that cuddly evening until Tuesday when I message to say I’m going to the gym he can come after he says yeah cool. I message when I get home & he says that he’s just eating so it takes him almost 40 minutes to get to my house at 9:00pm. I have put on music again so we can talk. I am also trying to build up the courage to talk to him about what the fuck is going on with us. He gets all excited about the car that he’s buying his brother this week. He says that he’s never had a brand new car & Motocross is buying him a brand new car, he went to Holden this week to look at cars & has picked one out, he’ll pick it up tomorrow & give it to him. He tells me how it’s a $90k car & he had the cash in a backpack! -WTF?! $90K IN A BACKPACK? Really?! I honestly have no reason to doubt what this guy tells me – to not believe him, but I also find it really hard to believe anything he says to me. Could this even be true?!

It’s like he can sense I want to talk to him about us & the where were going talk, because he says he’s really tired & really sorry but he’s going to go home. He’s been at my house an hour & a half, why did he bother? I guess he didn’t want to bail. He wanted to see me perhaps? So we obviously don’t have sex, we don’t have the talk I was planning, he gives me a lingering hug goodbye & says that he wants to see me Thursday. I say ok & suggest that we go bowling, since we talked about it a few times since I went with work people. He says he’d love that, but also apologising for leaving, walking out about 10:30 pm after getting to mine at 9:00 pm. I need to back away, I am going to get hurt here. I can just feel it.

#IBD4U

Ok so as you may or may not remember, Motocross said in his profile that he likes mini golf & adventures etc. He’s a motocross/supercross rider so I know that he likes to do some different things. I decide that tonight that I am going to take him to the indoor mini golf pub called Holey Moley in the city. I’m going to show him that I’m fun that I’m not just about sitting at home watching bullshit movies like Sharknado. I message him that I got home early, as I’m going to get my tax done, that I am going to cook us dinner & then instead of watching movies we’re going to the mini golf place (I’ve talked to him about it before asking if he’s been there before or not). He says ok that sounds good. I message him a couple of hours later when I am home from the tax agent & he says he’ll be there in 15 minutes.

True to form, Motocross rocks up at exactly the time he says, I kiss him on the cheek awkwardly when he walks in. We walk into the kitchen as I am making taco bowls, I have cut everything up & put in bowls on the bench, I have sour cream, salsa, avocado, corn, lettuce, tomato, refried beans, mayo, cheese, capsicum & the taco meat. I have gone all out for this guy, probably more than I would put out for my own taco bowls.

I’m dressed in a cute skirt with tights & a top, ready to put my boots on to go out tonight. I am having a beer, because I assume he’ll drive. I give him a bowl & let him make his taco bowl to his liking. Literally he puts a tiny bit of lettuce in the bowl with a bit of meat & cheese. No sauces, no other toppings. I ask him if he doesn’t eat anything else & he says that he likes plain food, I ask if he wants tomato sauce, with a laugh but he says no. I have stupidly been buying him coke too when I go to the shops, I drink sugar free so I have both options in the fridge for him – I offer beer but he takes a coke. We sit & eat dinner chatting on the couch. I seriously can’t believe he is just eating taco meat & cheese. After dinner we head into the city, he gets me to drive because he says he doesn’t know where he is going. I get a rock star park & even show off my amazing reverse parallel parking skills… I know he is impressed because he says something. I have already booked & paid for the mini golf online because I wanted to make sure we got in, it’s usually pretty busy but it is a weeknight, so I’m not sure it’s that busy – it is quite busy for a Thursday.

We go to the bar & buy drinks, he doesn’t put his hand in his pocket so I pay for them & we play the game of mini golf. We play a bit quicker than I have ever played there, however every time I’ve been here it’s been with a big group so it can take a lot of time if they need a bunch of hits to get the ball in. He’s good, but I’m actually not too bad at the game either, however he wins but I am not that far behind him to be honest.

It’s not like I expect either, I mean it would be a perfect date to try to help me with my putting or touch me & be cheeky, however Motocross never touches me at all… We go up to the bar for another drink, which he pays for & the guy asks if we want the second course for a discounted price, Motocross says yeah & he pays for the drinks & the discounted course. We play another round. It’s fun & laugh a lot but we don’t touch, god forbid we touch or kiss.

After our second drink & second game we head home. We talk about the mini golf the whole way home, I mean he was super excited the entire trip to the city & now he’s talking about what holes he liked the best & how they had it set up. He also kept our score card & kept going through it on the way home.

I let him out of my car before I go into my carport as the passenger can’t get out with my kayaks on the wall & it’s a tight squeeze. He stands by my front door waiting for me to unlock it, he comes in & I offer him a drink turning on the heater & tv. We both always take it in turns about who stands in front of the heater & we talk a lot to be honest. He stays at my house till midnight but again we don’t have sex! He hugs me goodbye, that lingering hug that makes me feel pretty safe & that this is more than just friends, but also somehow makes me feel like this could be just friendship…

Ok is it weird it’s twice in a row that we haven’t had sex? This is new to me, is it a relationship or are we just friends? I again try not to dwell on it because I don’t want to pressure it either. I mean do I even know what I want? While I like this guy a lot, I like hanging out with him, it is missing something, it is missing the passion – the can’t keep your hands off each other passion that I had with Noodle. There is no way even the times I met Noodle for just lunch when I tried to end it or the times we met, we couldn’t not touch. I do have sexual chemistry with Motocross but do I have the passion? I mean this feels like we’re more than just friends. Are we just friends? Is that all he’s looking for? I mean he’s going back to the USA in October – though he’s also told me November too so who knows, maybe he’s pulling away because of that? Maybe he just wants to be friends?

I decide that I need to pull back from this too, I am getting too invested & he’s putting up barriers, so I decide that I am not going to message him to see what’s up this weekend, we last talked on Thursday after golf, its now Sunday. I don’t remember if he’s home or not, I refuse to message, even though I think about it all weekend. Literally the second my family arrive at my house, I see his little face pop up on my watch, I can’t help but smirk like a jerk at the fact he’s finally messaged me first. Maybe he is into me? Maybe this is more than sex? Maybe this is more than friendship? No guy messages to ask how your weekend was if he just what’s to be friends?!

We talk about our weekends & it’s all very cordial, I talk about how I saw the news with the Sydney show being cancelled & he said that there as no reason for people to be pissed off. I then ask if he wants to come over a bit later as my family are packing up, he says that he’ll see me soon & 15 minutes later he’s at my door, knocking.

He comes in & we talk the evening away, I don’t recall all the conversations we have but I am getting to know this guy a lot better. I talk about my trip to Brisbane, we talk about his trips away for work (riding), we talk about how shit my work is at the moment. We just talk a lot, especially when we’re not watching movies. So I tend to put on YouTube music videos because we learn a lot more about each other when we listen to music. He’s at my house till around midnight, again yet we don’t have sex! FUCK what is going on here?! As he lingers with his hug goodbye, squeezing me tight, he asks what I’m doing on Tuesday night, I say nothing but the gym & he says that he’ll see me then. Do these hugs means something? I know I don’t get men’s cues very good, they need to not be subtle with me, they need to be straight to the point about what they want, I know he can be shy, I am definitely awkward, so we’re not a great match at making moves.

We don’t speak again until Tuesday, I message & ask if he’s coming over as per his hug request, I say that I’ll be home around 8:00 pm, he says that he’ll come on over then, I tell him the door is unlocked, I’m just in the shower. He comes over & we sit around again, chatting listening to music till around midnight when the exact same thing happens, no sex, the lingering hug but no plans to catch up this week – he’s flying out on Thursday sometime so I probably won’t see him till next week. This is exactly 6 weeks since we met online…

I realise on the Wednesday that I am horny & want sex, if I don’t get sex with him tonight it’ll be almost 2 weeks since we had sex, but I’ve seen him 4 times – where we could’ve had sex, I figure I’m going to have to make a move if I want this to happen. Believe me the last 4 times, I’ve thought about it, I’ve tried to make a move but my stupid brain won’t let me. Making me think that he’s just not that into me & we’re just friends… No guy would hang out with someone this often if they are just friends, would they? I mean would you come to someone’s house 3-4 times a week if you just wanted to be friends?

So on Wednesday I message “Hey, I just realised that I probably won’t get to see you till next week, if I don’t see you tonight. So just wondered if you’re free tonight?” I send it at 6:30 pm, so I can still go to the gym if he can’t make it. He replies almost instantly that he’s out at the moment & he’ll try to come around after but he’s at Murray Bridge. I say that’s no worries, I’m off to the gym, will be home around 8:00 pm & he should let me know. After gym I shower as usual & sit around waiting for a message, even a message to say sorry I can’t make it. But nothing comes. I go to bed pretty fucked off, so I can’t sleep at all. I toss & turn all night till just after 11:00 pm I hear a text message come though. I read it “Hey sorry I’m just leaving Murray Bridge now I’m changed my flight till Friday morning so I’ll see you tomorrow night” I fucking hate that I smirk like a wanker at the fact he’s changed his flight, I mean am I that gullible?! Did he really change his flight that late at night to see me? I refuse to write back because he should’ve messaged me earlier to just say sorry he wouldn’t see me tonight – just so I wasn’t sitting around waiting, so now, he can wait, he can feel like the idiot for a change, wondering if he changed his flight for no reason!

I fall asleep pretty quickly, finally able to relax!

#IBD4U

So my birthday weekend consists of a few drinks with friends at the Switch event on Friday night. I have met a guy at Rope who literally looks half like Noodle & half like Rob Rob, that I am quite attracted to him & we’ve been chatting online about him doing some impact play with me, which he did at the last Switch when I wore the nurse costume. I’m wearing a different costume this time – in line with the theme that makes me feel uncomfortable of Animals. It’s my birthday so I talk to Ripples about being tied as usual at Switch & this other guy, who I’m not sure I’ve nicknamed yet, but he’s tied me before, I’ve talked about before I’m sure & who I would really love to tie with him more.

I’m not sure how I’m going to explain the bruises on my ass from my impact play this weekend to Motocross, he always asks me to flip over & fucks me from behind, I bruise easily & I bruise a lot from impact play – I wish I could show you a picture because sometimes they look amazing (If you’re into bruises I guess) I don’t want to freak Motocross out so I don’t know what I am going to say when I see him next, generally I can have a bruise on my ass for over a week from impact play like this.

Maybe I should explain impact play for you too? Well it can be a sexual thing of course, everything technically can be really if it turns you on. I mean I like being hit & bruised in a sexual way, but at Switch it isn’t about sex, it’s sexual & dominated & fun but I’m not fucking these guys, a bit like Rope, while it can be sexual it’s not with me & the guys that I am doing it with. So impact play, I usually am up against something & then he’ll use toys such as whips, paddles, door stops or even his hand to spank my ass, sometimes my legs… It makes me wince sometimes but it’s a good feeling, oddly. I guess it’s not for everyone of course, but I do enjoy a bit of impact play.

I am not completely drunk but I am tipsy, I have a great night & I go home to sleep it off, waking up with a sore ass in the morning. Saturday comes & goes with nothing from Motocross (Almost forgot this was a post about him! Hahah) I am busy & not really worried about him messaging, I know he’s away with his brother at the moment & also racing.

Sunday comes & goes too, my family come over as usual when I think fuck it, I am just going to message him. I don’t think he was coming back Sunday night like usual, I think he was staying till Monday with his brother so I don’t think he can see me tonight, but I still want to see how his weekend was. I just ask how his weekend was with his bro. “Hey weekend got cut short we only got half a show in before the weather kicked in and it became dangerous to ride so there gonna re set a date to go back catching up with me bro was good thanks. How was your weekend birthday go well hope did you end up hitting town” I had seen on the news – mainly because Facebook keeps popping up crusty demon adverts for me that the Sydney show was cut short. People were heaps pissed about it & it was a big controversy, especially since it was all just plastic seats & people paid hundreds of dollars. “Awww that sucks. Winter probably isn’t the best time to have shows. Yeah birthday weekend was really good. Went out but lost my ATM card. Never lost it before & wasn’t supremely drunk” Out of all the times I have have been so wasted that I am vomiting or unable to stand (I used to be a super messy drunk) but at kink events after I got so drunk that night, I now hate deing drunk & don’t drink as much as I used too. It was like the kick up my ass to not drink to excess anymore. But this night I somehow lost my bank card. “Yeah definitely sucks but all good just gotta go back and do it again soon. Yeah nice I’m good it was really good then. Oooh that’s not good defs not fun losing that” I send him a picture of me & my friend where I look super cute in my costume & tell him I have my new card sorted & that I can pay with my phone so it’s ok. But I never get a reply. Jesus, not this old chestnut.

I decide that I am not going to obsess about it, the next day around lunch time I just send him a cheeky message “Did me as a bug scare you? Hahaha” with an emoji face. He literally writes back within seconds “Huh a bug scare me you still drunk” WHAT? I’m not drunk, what the hell? “Hahaha no, just thought you’d have said something… I figured you’re scared of the dark at my house, that maybe you’re scared of bugs” He says all the time that my house is dark, I never have a lot of lights on mainly because I don’t need too. I assumed he would have written back to my picture message & said something… he says “Hahaha oh nah not even scared lol” I don’t beat around the bush & ask if he’s free tonight or tomorrow, he says that he’s free tomorrow, so I say about 8:30 pm & he says “okay see you then.”

Again I don’t hear from him all day on Tuesday, I don’t message him either. I don’t even message that I am home, assuming he’ll just rock up at 8:30 pm, but he messages at 8:40 pm to ask if I’m home, I say that I’m sorry I assumed he’d just come over. He says that he’ll see me soon & 5 minutes later he knocks on the door & we pass by each other without a hello kiss. When we’re sitting on the couch I ask him about the picture & why he didn’t have a comment about it, I mean I am in a costume, surely he would have something to say about it, I look cute, my cleavage is amazing. He says that he never got it, I think that’s fucking weird, I show him the messages that I sent him & he says that he didn’t get it. He says that he left his phone in the car so he’ll show me later. Now I know what you’re all thinking, what a crock of shit, because that’s what I thought too, I was like he’ll just delete the message & pretend it wasn’t there if & when he shows me his messages… However, as fate would have it I had sent a picture message to a guy at the plumbing store (not a euphemism) before my birthday & I never got a reply, so around this same time I text again asking if he had any luck finding a matching thing I wanted, the plumbing store dude was like who is this? I then speak to him on the phone & he said that he never got my picture message… So apparently something is not right with my phone because it’s not sending pictures. Had I not found that out about the plumbing dude, I wouldn’t have believed Motocross at all. So maybe I am being paranoid about all the other odd things that are making me suspicious?! Maybe there is an explanation for everything & I am just overthinking there to be a problem that isn’t really there?!

Interestingly Motocross is at my house till almost 2:00 am that night, however he never touches me & I don’t make a move on him either – of course because I’m like a teenager that can’t make a move on guys, even when I know they like me, he hugs me goodbye, which is a lingering hug & I feel like it’s a bit weird, but he asks what I’m doing Thursday night & wants to see me. I tell him that I’m free as we hug goodbye, my head on his chest, he squeezes & lets me go then leaves. I go to bed & as you can imagine, quite a few things go through my head… So this is the first time we’ve seen each other in the four, almost five weeks since we met, that we didn’t have sex. Lucky we didn’t in a way so I don’t have to explain the bruises on my ass. But considering he was at my house till almost 2:00 am, I can’t understand why he didn’t make a move on me & try to fuck me. Am I just so conditioned to expect a dude to fuck me if he likes me? I start to think that perhaps this is more than just sex for him, he likes hanging out with me too but doesn’t want to be just about sex with me. To be honest, I’ve never dated a guy consistently like this before & not had sex with them. Every guy I’ve dated Origin, Milky, Max, Noodle, Noddy (the main players in my life) & we’ve always met to have sex once we’ve had sex for the first time. Motocross is the first man I’ve dated since obviously my live in Boyrfeiend, that I’ve had sex with & then not had sex with on a date… What does it mean? Also I mean he’s still not sleeping over & I’m reminded of Origin & how many times I asked him to stay over but he didn’t. & surprisingly, after the amazing sex we had last time, I only thought it would get better with him… Not become non existent!

As I said last blog I am basically a 16 year old when it comes to dating so I don’t know what this means, I ask a couple of friends because fuck I am wigging out about this. A few say that it’s ok, it just means that it’s not all about sex, they say it’s a good thing. I mean I would believe that if he slept over. No one says it’s a bad thing that he hasn’t slept over or that we didn’t have sex for the first time, but I can’t help but feel something isn’t right… Am I being friend zoned here? Is he losing interest in me? I mean the texting has dwindled, however he’s still seeing me 3 – 4 weeks for over a month & he’s already locked in the next time to see me.

The next day we don’t talk – again this is ok with me, I am not wanting to be locked into a texting relationship so it’s not as upsetting to me as it once was. I think about what Motocross & I have been doing on our dates. We’ve basically sat at my house every night, watching movies or listened to music before we have sex. We had a few dinner dates & went to the play, but maybe this is getting boring. I mean it is for me. I start planning a fun date for Thursday! I am going to show Motocross what dating me can really be like!

#IBD4U

I think it’s about time I remind readers, especially new ones to my blog who have just been following the Motocross story, that while I am almost about to turn 38 in the time line of the story (in real life soon to be 39), I am a smart, educated, articulate professional, successful, well travelled woman – when it comes to almost every aspect of my life. But when it comes to dating, or relationships, I am basically stuck at 16 years old. I never did all the mini relationships that teach you what you should do when in these situations when I was younger. I was single until I was 22 & dumped at 25. Since then I’ve basically been single. I’ve only been in love once at age 36 & we all know how that turned out…

Most comments I get from my readers are that they love my story or they’re confused at why I did what I did, believe me when I read back over my stories, I am confused about how stupid I can be or how ridiculous I sound but this is just my diary, aired for you all to read. So please remember to be kind & to also remember, I am seriously emotionally retarded when it comes to dating. I don’t know how to do it & I make mistakes.

Having said that – I’m not holding back with Motocross this time, I don’t give a fuck, I’m going to be 38 in a few days (yes birthday looming!), I do want to get married at some point in my life, though that prospect is looking further & further away each day. I really want to be married & have a partner. I am not mucking around anymore. I’ve let a lot of things slide because I have stupidly stalked him – so I can’t ask about some of it, but this can’t go by without me asking the question, why didn’t he fucking message me this weekend. Yes I was abrupt about asking about it, but that’s my way, that’s just me. I will be silent for so long then snap!

He seems a bit taken back by my abruptness, maybe even a little scared – remember he stutters so his stutter is more prominent, that I’ve either scared him or he’s lying… But he tells me that after he won the race (of course he won!) all the guys were hanging around & they threw him in the ice bath with his phone in his pocket which killed it. Ok that’s a viable story – I guess, he said that he got a new phone this morning & only ever uses whatsapp to chat to his American neighbour who is looking after his house, which he was using on his computer. He said he was waiting till he got his new phone because he didn’t have a sim card with my number on it. I mean I have no reason not to believe him, but I hate that I doubt him. I also hate that I’ll never know if he would’ve text me Tuesday (today) or not if I hadn’t found him on whatsapp… I fucking hate that.

Well Motocross is here, hanging out with me, so I don’t press it further – I mean he’s not lying to not see me, he’s lied presumably but still hanging out with me. We sit on the couch listening to songs on YouTube, he likes my taste in music & introduces me to a band he likes that’s similar to my mix, a band called Crossfade, he even sings a few songs when he plays them & I can’t help but think that this is quite comfortable… It’s nice that he’s relaxed around me, we sit & chat the entire evening, we don’t watch movies which is good, just chatting about all sorts of shit. I tell him about my upcoming trip to Brisbane & he asks so many questions about it, that I can’t help but think he’s implying he wants to come. He says that this weekend he’s going to Sydney earlier than usual because he’s meeting his brother there & has tickets for him & his friends for the show, he also says that his brother is coming to Adelaide in a few weeks too from NSW who he hasn’t seen for years so he’s looking forward to that & it’s his birthday so he wants to get him something big for it. I ask if it’s a big birthday like his 30^th or 40^th but Motocross says he’s turning 38 – which I already know that we are the same age, due to his friend request to me. Which by the way I forgot to tell you disappears… I either accidentally clicked ignore showing someone that he’d requested me or he deleted it after a year when he realises that I am dating his brother perhaps, maybe they’ve talked about me?! I don’t know which but I had screenshotted it – because that’s what I do!

I tell Motocross that it’s my birthday this week on Thursday & he says that he’s flying out on Thursday & wants to see me tomorrow instead. I can’t help but smirk, that’s so sweet he wants to see me for my birthday… Maybe the phone story is true?!

We have sex of course, he hangs around for a while & I tell him I’m not tired, as I’m not but then start yawning so he leaves just after midnight, saying he’ll come over after the gym tomorrow night. He hugs me quickly goodbye at the door, not kissing me as a peck on the lips before he leaves, which is just weird, I mean he has just been inside me, surely he can kiss me goodbye at this point? Three weeks ago today, we met at the pub face to face after having chatted for one day online.

The next day I don’t hear from him all day, I don’t attempt to write to him either, I don’t obsess about it, he said he’s going to come over, then he will. He doesn’t seem like the type to bail. I just send a message at 8pm saying I’m home & in the shower, door is unlocked. I don’t get a reply, but I rush in the shower, not wanting a repeat of yesterday’s awkwardness, I hear his car pull up about 8:30 pm & walks in while I am getting dressed, coming to find me, he says hey but doesn’t kiss me hello again. I don’t kiss him either.

We sit around chatting again watching more YouTube, it’s really nice getting to know this guy. We talk a lot about travelling & his bikes, my work which is really shit at the moment – however I try not to talk about it too much because I don’t want him to think I am just a whinger or after him for his money.

When we have sex, we do it the usual way & lay there afterwards naked & chatting, sometimes dozing in & out of sleep, we usually have sex a second time with me on top, which we don’t do tonight. However tonight after being fucked from behind, we lay back down on the bed & he lays behind me, he sort of spoons me, this is new, he’s not done this before. Touching my hips & running his hands over my side while kissing my neck from behind. FUCK… His hands run over my tits & up to my throat where he squeezes so lightly, I guess to test the waters of if choking is ok with me or not… I can feel his hard cock from behind & he actually slides his hand down to between my legs & he starts to finger me… This is also the first time he’s done that, he does it long enough for me to be really close to cumming, he then starts to slide his cock in from behind, I move to give him better access, his hand returns to my throat, he doesn’t choke me hard, it’s just gentle sexy squeezes while he fucks me on my side…

FUCK Motocross has pulled this out of the bag… I am fucking enjoying this sex the most out of every time we’ve fucked, I am close & I can feel him picking up speed on his thrusts & his squeezing my throat, that I slip my hand between my legs & rub my clit so I cum fucking hard, then shortly after he cums too! JESUS. That was so fucking unexpected… We lay there for a while, that was pretty much verging on epic sex! Finally… I even say to him how good that was, so he knows I loved that.

I realise that it’s after midnight, it’s my birthday… When I tell him the time because I was looking at my watch & he asked, he says happy birthday & I smirk like a wanker, he remembered. We lay there for a while longer before he gets up to leave about 1:00 am. He tells me that he’ll message me tomorrow & we hug goodbye at the door.

On my way to work the next morning, I get a text message from him “Heeeeey happy birthday miss hope you have a good day today” with about 5 emojis including a cake, chinking glasses & balloons. OMG. I grin like a fool… This guy remembered… This guy went out of his way to make me feel special too… I reply saying that it started out well & thank him. I don’t expect a reply, my phone goes off all day obviously being my birthday & to my surprise at almost 4:30 pm he messages again “Your welcome. Yeeeeah right well that’s good then hope you’ve enjoyed it so far then. Sorry I’m not there tho” Awwww, that’s so sweet, usually he doesn’t fly out till Friday but he’s organised to see his brother, not knowing it’s my birthday. I’m not bothered, I mean it would have been good if he was here but it’s not the end of the world, I mean this is only 3 weeks into whatever we are. “heheheh being naked with you was a pretty good start to my birthday. I fell asleep at 5:30 & just woke up. EEK. In bed already… Wish you were here too but understand the joys of travelling for work. You can make it up to me when you’re back” I don’t want him to feel bad, but I don’t want him to think I don’t want to see him either. “Haha that it was #Correct. Aww someone got tired on her birthday day. Yeah sorry I’ll be home before you know it. Oh really make it up to ya ay” I’m glad we still have some banter via text, we’ve been talking more in real life so the texting has dwindled, but the banter is still there “#True. Someone kept me up late 2 nights in a row… Hahaha. Not complaining, just stating a fact. Yes, make it up to me!” I try not to write back straight away but he knows I’m in bed so I realise how stupid that is, but I was I’m on the phone for birthday messages etc. “Excuses me miss you said you weren’t tired soooo you can’t be throwing me under the bus on that one. Yeah you definitely weren’t complaining. Haha alright I’ll see what I can do” Maybe I have nothing to worry about here? “Hmmmm I wasn’t tired, till I woke up with only 6 hours sleep. Hahaha Totally worth it! I never complain after I’ve cum. Look forward to it.” I don’t hear from Motocross again on my birthday, the next day I don’t stress about the fact we don’t talk. I don’t want just a texting relationship like I had with Noodle, so it’s ok we don’t message all the time. He’s also with his brother & his brothers friends all weekend. So it’s not a big deal. I relax & enjoy my birthday weekend.

#IBD4U

So while you’re all angry at me for making you wait with a cliff-hanger & you were all excited about Motocross, as was I, just imagine being me & waiting around like a loser for his reply in real life! For days!! Overthinkers nightmare!! I spent a long time agonising over that message that I sent on whatsapp, I mean stalker alert, what if this guy is trying to ghost me & I’m the barnacle on his butt that won’t leave him alone?! I rewrite it in my head over & over, I overthink the wording, what I would change if I could, what I should have written, should I write again!? FUCK.

I literally have a million things going through my head, mostly about what’s happened to him, not that he just didn’t want to write to me. He’s told me before that he had a bad accident that left him bed ridden & paralysed for 6 months, that I think about the worst case scenario, that he’s crashed, he’s injured, he’s in a bad way & no one knows to message me to tell me because they don’t even know about me. (When things got serious with Noodle, I told my sister how to contact him to tell him if anything happened to me – it wouldn’t have been the same if anything happened to Noodle, I would have never known, so I’m assuming it would be the same with Motocross.) If he was & was told, would I go to the hospital? Would I fly to where he is? Would I even be involved at this point, I mean it’s weird, but this is where my brain goes.

I don’t have to torture myself for much longer, I see his reply on my phone without having to click that I’ve read it, jeez whatsapp is good! So because I’m at work when he messages I read the preview but have to wait till later to reply. At least then I can read it & prepare a reply in my head before he sees that I’ve seen it…

“Hey I’m sorry I haven’t I’ve texted you me phone doesn’t work anymore gotta get a new phone today I got back to Adelaide last night. Me weekend was really good thanks. I’m definitely not seeing anyone I enjoy hanging out with you to once I get a phone today I’ll text you. I’m definitely not injured or anything.” Then 10 minutes later “I use wats app to check in with my neighbour back home to see how my house is going” The second message 10 minutes later makes me suspicious, I don’t know why, but it does… The fact that he had to explain something 10 minutes after the first message, just is weird to me – it’s something I’d do when trying to over explain something. What happened to his phone?! How is he using whatsapp if not on his phone? It’s his Australian number, not an American number for him to be messaging his neighbour. But the stupid part of my brain doesn’t really notice all that, & I fixate on the part that he likes hanging out with me & that he’s not seeing anyone else… What is wrong with me!? (This is also part of the reason why I don’t post in real time!)

Now, I talk about this on the podcast I was a guest on & I need to invent a word because desperate isn’t the right word, I am not in the traditional sense of the word desperate but I really want a relationship – I want this relationship to work out. I really want to have a partner & I chose this guy to be the one that I want try that with – he’s cute, we have good banter, we have some chemistry. It’s not desperation as such but I want it really badly, if that makes sense?! Maybe impatient? Or determined? (Thanks Thesaurus) still not 100% right, but do you get what I mean?!

So once I have time & have gathered my thoughts, about an hour later I reply, trying to come across as casual than I was before, but still showing interest “No worries… Don’t want to be a crazy chick or anything, but yeah wasn’t sure…. I use whatsapp for the family chat. But saw your contact & thought I’d just see, cos maybe you didn’t get my text… All good. Hope we can catch up again soon.” OMG. That is not casual… What is wrong with you?! Hahaha… He reads the message & doesn’t reply to it. I go about work thinking that I just have to let this guy go. He has multiple ways to contact me, if he wants too, then he will. If he doesn’t, I will walk away & just have a cry & move on.

About an hour & a bit later, I get a text with Motocrosses face popping up on my watch “Hey I’ve got a phone again. Apparently phones aren’t water proof. Soooo how was your weekend you got much planned for tonight” Errr, what?! Phones are waterproof, I’ve have a waterproof phone since I was with Noodle like 2 years ago? I remember because that’s when I started sharing shower pictures & was so obsessed with messaging Noodle every second I could, that I would take my phone with me in the shower! Motocross has an iPhone, I’m pretty sure most of them are waterproof & have been for many years… I try not to dwell on it, I mean the guy is now asking what I’m doing tonight, fuck I am so easy! This is tragic…

“Phones are waterproof if you don’t have a shit iPhone. My weekend was alright, except when I went riding with my nephew… Just going to the gym tonight, nothing else really” I am not going to swap around my gym schedule anymore for this guy, I would normally go earlier or skip it, but after the fact he doesn’t message me all weekend, I am not making any more sacrifices, maybe we are just friends?! “Oi nah there not silly iPhones aren’t shit just the operator. Yeah nice that’s good then oh what happened when you went riding. Oh yeah okay enjoy the gym then. If you want a visit later hit me up.” Hit me up!? I mean he’s said this to me before, I don’t really notice it at the time, but yeah hit me up, isn’t really wanting to hang out with me, is it?! It’s more just a comment like hit me up for sex. Or is it just the way he talks? Well of course you all know I want sex, that’s obvious, so why not… Maybe now I’m just over thinking everything!

I tell him that my phone is waterproof & I’ll prove it. I tell him that when I went riding my nephew stacked it & cried, that I had no idea what to do, #True, I was going to call my sister to pick us up! “But he was ok, he got up & rode on then came screaming down a hill past me ‘I’ve got no brakes’ yeah fun times…!” I then tell him that I’ll be home after 8 & he can come over about 8:30pm. He replies about an hour later “Hahaha oh nah I believe you miss. Ooh that’s unlucky then well least he’s okay then. Oh yeah okay that sounds good or so you wanna do it tomorrow night if your busy” I am pretty annoyed about the weekend of radio silence & even into the week, however my stupid vagina, fucking wants sex… “Yeah I wasn’t good when I got home hahaha, might not be able to watch you do tricks on your bike… I pretty much gym Tues, Weds & Thurs at the same time… just not been going while I’ve been seeing you but can’t keep skipping it… sexercise is not the same… so after is good for me, if that works for you” Yeah I am not skipping it anymore. Motocrosses wife was skinny, I bet I’m the fattest women he’s ever been with!

“Haha yeah right I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t cope seeing me ride then. Oh yeah okay that’s cool well I don’t wAnt you missing it cause of me I can just see you once you finished the gym then that’s cool by me” Yeah I am not changing my gym schedule anymore jerk. “Maybe I’ll just watch you through my fingers?! Hahaha… Or just don’t stack it?! Or scream at me I’ve got no brakes…! Alright, yeah it’s all good… I’ll see you at 8:30. I’ll leave the door unlocked in case I’m still in the shower” Then he can get the hint to just let himself in in the future. “Hahaha maybe best I’d say. Oh nah I don’t stack often hurts yo much unfortunately. LOL my brakes always work so no stress there. Yeah alright okay see ya then sounds good night join ya” So even though there is a spelling error, did he just ask to join me in the shower?! So I talk about my nephew crashing but add “Hahaha.. .I’ll just stay in the shower then shall I?” he replies with “Oh yeah interesting I’ll be cumin then” We text a little bit more, mainly his stupid hash tags of #True, #Interesting & #Correct.

I go to the gym & then message him that I’m home & the door is unlocked just after 8:00 pm. I don’t know what time he’s going to get here & I don’t know if he is serious about having a shower with me. Meeting me in the shower? So I race in the shower, washing my hair as quickly as I can, so I am basically done all the necessities when he gets here, if he jumps in too, I don’t want to be still brushing my teeth or rinsing my hair.

He rocks up about 8:30 pm & scares me as he enters the bathroom (Fuck, not again!), he chats to me through the glass shower screen, he comes in & sits on the edge of the bath chatting, that I have to ask if he’s getting in which he says nah, so I feel like a dick still being in here, I would have gotten out ages ago if I knew he wouldn’t get in.

I turn off the water & grab a towel, drying off in the shower cubicle, it’s not what I usually do but I feel a little exposed, he even says, something about me drying off in the shower & I say that I dry off in there… Which I don’t! I have no idea why I lie, but I then get out & sort of have to stand in front of him drying myself, naked. I feel exposed & weird, why does everything have to be weird after the weird weekend…

I get dressed into a warm casual tracksuit & we go sit in the lounge room, I have put on a YouTube mix before I showered, so we are listening to songs – just relaxing on the couch, I don’t want to suggest a movie because I don’t want to sit here in silence, I want an answer, I want to talk about this… So I sit there for ages when I finally build up the courage to turn to him & say “So what the fuck happened this weekend?”

#IBD4U