Social suicide with a bunch of people who hate me for a reason no one will tell me isn’t a worry anymore – they hate me & won’t tell me why so what difference does it make now that Holden is single?! I have always gotten along with him, so I am enjoying the chats with Holden. Most mornings I wake up to a message from him, usually simply saying “Moaning” it always makes me smile.

We talk about his Facebook because he says that he’s changed his relationship status & that didn’t go down well for him. I send him a screenshot of it, showing that he’s got all his information including his phone number & email. He says that only friends can see, but I tell him that I have had a few people from the chat app add me on Facebook that I’ve never met, such as a chick we’ll call Fruitcup. So even though I use a different name on the chat app, people still find you!

We talk about catching up at some time, he decides that when he doesn’t have the kids that he is going to come over to my house, it was always a big joke in the groups about my bath & that there should be a bath app that people could book into have a bath with me, he & Noodle always had jokes about who would get to do it.

We’re going to catch up this Friday night, he is going to come to my house & I ask him to turn off him family ‘find my iPhone’ because if you recall that’s how Noodle was tracked. I’m not saying that Holden’s ex-wife was or is doing it to him, but if she does stalk him when he has no kids, I don’t need another woman knowing where I live, even if they are split up. I’m not sure it’s entirely what either of these to want, so I need to be careful about that.

So it’s Friday, the day I’m supposed to have Holden over to my house. I know that my period is coming on Saturday, however as I am walking around work dressed in a really cute outfit ready for tonight, as I’m not sure how much time I’ll have after work to get ready. I realise that I’m having a lot of cramps, which is usual the day before, so when I head to the bathroom, I realise that fucking mother nature has given me my period a day before which is really painful, so even if Holden was ok with period sex, I can’t fuck on the first day anymore, especially since having my tubes tied.

I message him straight away with the apology vomit profusely saying I’m really sorry, but explain that mother nature is not been good to me, but that I really want to catch up anyway even if we can’t have sex. He says that it’s ok because he’s been freaking out a little bit about actually catching up with me. So we decide that we are going to meet for a drink, I suggest a place near the city with easy parking, somewhere that no one will know us if they saw us.

We hug hello & he buys a couple of drinks, the conversation is easy but I do feel like I dominate the conversation, I mean I have always felt that with this couple anyway, I do feel that most of the time with everyone, I mean it’s why I have a blog, I have so much shit to tell everyone, that I have to write it down to get it all out!

It’s actually a really good date, the time goes so fast, & I actually have a really good time with him. I guess, you know we’ve been friends for two and a half years something before we actually met for this date/drink thing. So you know, it was easy. We talk about all sorts of topics, we chat about his relationship, my relationship with Noodle, we talk about people on the chat app & we just talk general shit. A few drinks in & it’s getting late, we both have to drive, but I hope that meeting me on his own has eased his nerves. I remember that Noodle was scared to meet me, so apparently I can be intimidating! We peck on the lips goodbye with a hug & we go our separate ways.

By the time I get home he’s text me to tell me that he got home safe & that he hopes I did too & that basically he doesn’t care about mother nature, so we should catch up tomorrow night. I think well day two is usually ok, so maybe we should. I tell him that I have a 30^th to go to, that I really don’t want to go to, but that we can catch up after. I figure I’ll be out & looking cute in Port Adelaide so I can just pop to his side of town afterwards.

I message when I’m about to leave the party thinking that he will invite me over but he says that he’s out with his family, so I just go home a little disappointed. I mean he was the one that suggested it. Why suggest it if you don’t want to do it? I mean I get that perhaps his family knew he was going to be all alone this weekend, so they took him out to cheer him up?! I don’t know…

He tells me that his now ex wife didn’t want him to tell me that he’d split with her & I had pretended I didn’t know at Switch, I mean I didn’t want to have to explain I literally found out on my way in. Plus they had been to Switch before together with a group of us & they hated it. I mean I caught her in a lie that night too, so I just didn’t bother telling her I knew they’d split. She had at one point talked to Noddy & told me a different story to what he said, so I’ll never know the whole story, I guess. I just hate that I am always painted the bad guy with everyone in the Rope & Switch crew. I tell him I don’t need more drama in my life but then say “Yet, I’m chatting to you, quite contradictory!” Yeah why am I talking to this timebomb?! Although, fuck it, he’s single & I get along with him – she’s clearly not interested in being friends with me, so I don’t have to worry about the friendship anymore… I’m not doing anything wrong.

The next morning, I don’t wake up to a moaning message, so I send a picture of me actually in the shower (Remember the stick figure picture?) & he says “Fuck your drawing improved overnight” with some heart eye emojis & I actually laugh out loud. He asks for a picture of my ass, so I send some & I tell him that I am standing like a man so he asks me to send him more pictures so I can try out some different poses.

I tell him that I think this is just a ploy to see more pictures of me & he says the he wouldn’t ever do that. I find the magic 8 ball pic from the Kangaroo Island weekend on my phone & send it to him “It is certain” & he says “Fkn traitor 8 ball” I send him a naked pic & says “Whoops that supposed to be a gym ass” but he says that’s better. This is also when things are really not good at work, I drove all the way to Pt Augusta, stayed the night & the meeting was cancelled, so I don’t even know how to call my boss & it’s the beginning of a shit few months, I mean it’s been shit already but it gets worse, so I am thankful for the chats with Holden because it’s keeping me a bit sane. But makes me miss Noodle.

He asks me later if I’m home yet, I say that I am & ask what he is up too, he says he’s working from home again. I say “Your dick in your hand & porn is not considered work…” I tell him that my pre workout is making me feel like a meth addict & he asks if it makes me horny, I’m like do I really need pre workout to be horny? No, I don’t think so! Hahaha.

The next day, I don’t get a message again, so I figure I need to message him, show him that I am interested too… I mean I always make them make the effort so I message & ask how his day is & if he’s masturbating at home. Then I send “Damn auto correct. I mean working from home” He just say that he’s son is home from school sick. I say that sucks & he says that he can’t watch porn. I sort of get a no chat vibe so I just leave it with that – we had sort of planned on me seeing him tonight, I was going to rock up in the trench coat, the fantasy I still haven’t done & was supposed to do with Abs but because he hasn’t said anything & didn’t message this morning, I just assume he doesn’t want to catch up. But later that night he asks how my days been, I say it’s pretty good & we chat for a bit, I tell him about the Port Lincoln flight I have to do tomorrow. I say that I assume it’s not happening tonight & I should just get in the bath. He says “Ohhh I didn’t wanna mention it cause it’s so far for ya & sounds like ya have a huge week. I should really be the one coming to yours. I need a bath” I tell him that I wouldn’t have suggested Wednesday if I didn’t want to, he says I can come now but I’m like it’s 8:00 pm now but the time I got there it would be 9:00pm but just assumed he was being a dude with excuses, you know the type, oh my sons sick, blah blah blah. He says “Oh hell no sorry didn’t mean to be silent I thought you were cause you were busy as” I decide to be cheeky & not upset about the fact I didn’t get sex when I thought all week about it & just tell him that I’ll just get into bed, naked, horny & use my toys. He says that it’s unfair but I tell him that he has no one to blame but himself, I even had my outfit out, I had actually laid out the lingerie, the knee high boots & the trench coat, deciding what to wear, I even had the stupid magnet in the jacket pocket… Remember the Easter egg incident with Noddy?! Well this is just a repeat, I do stuff like this then feel like an idiot! Noodle was the only one that was ever thoughtful like that, remember him leaving cheezels at my front door?! I wonder if he felt like a dickhead doing that?

Holden will get all the kids back this weekend so there is no sneaking me in with 5 kids there. He then doesn’t reply to me for ages & when he comes back he says that he had his parents, brother & sister all drop in, I don’t get the message as I’m asleep & I reply at 5:30am saying well that’s good then. I fly to Port Lincoln & later tell him that this is a fucked day that again no one has come to my meetings & so I have to ring my boss & tell him for the second time this week that my travel plans were a waste of time. I tell Holden & he says “Ohhh Shit” I get the feeling he isn’t interested in talking so I don’t reply & wait for him to write to me. He never does, I never hear from him again. Not really sure what went on with him to be honest. I assume he got back together with his wife. I delete him off Facebook after a while too, not wanting to know any more. I mean like I said it was probably for the best with the groups that we’re in.

Interestingly a few months or so later, I’m chatting to Fruitcup & she mentions how she was also going to meet Holden! OH REALLY?! They were chatting at the same time as me & he was super keen, they were sending pictures, she said she never met up with him because he stopped messaging her as well…

The thing that fucks me off about this, is that I was actually friends with this guy & his wife… I now don’t even speak to him, or his wife. I miss that. I kind of hate that I am losing friends & have people not liking me without me even knowing why or what I did…

#IBD4U

I have mentioned Holden a fair bit throughout the Noodle story. I met Holden & his wife on the chat app & we became good friends – I became friends with both of them. I knew that Holden wanted to fuck me, his wife had told me that & they were exploring an open relationship of sorts.

When I was seeing Crows, we even had a group with the four of us because I thought that might be easier as I knew that Holden’s wife was uneasy about the whole open thing & very jealous. I know that she has been with other guys but to my knowledge he hasn’t been with anyone.

I also knew that Noodle would fucking hate me if I ever fucked Holden, he said that many times to me. I mean if I didn’t fall in love with Noodle & Holden’s wife wasn’t so jealous & if I didn’t become good friends with her, then I would have probably fucked him. He’s a decent looking guy, not 100% my type, I prefer a man with hair, Holden has a shaved head & a beard, he’s fair & tall, quite nice body & a pretty big looking dick – from pictures I’d seen!

The night of Switch that I saw Noddy & his snapchat chick at, I see Holden on a dating app, I screenshot it & send to him with a laugh, thinking that he is looking for a woman with his wife. But when Holden had told me that he & his wife had split up, she had someone else & he left. I guess I am skeptical of them “splitting” I mean Noodle told me it was over for him & yet he went back to his partner. So I just think I’m sure these two will get back together, they have four kids together & have another two they foster, these two aren’t breaking up anytime soon…

However he tells me that he’s moved out! OH HOLY FUCK… He’s in his own place & one of his son’s has moved in with him. This was totally unexpected. I mean I didn’t think these two would ever break up – they had only just gotten married less than a year ago, I think… I have been friends with both of them since I got on the chat app & have caught up with both of them a few times for dinners & Switch. I consider them both friends. However she has deleted me from Facebook & re-added me a few times, so I’m not sure what that is about. I always talked to him more anyway, so it’s not a big deal.

We chat a lot, most days, pretty much all day, I tell him that I get the whole falling in love online, which is what I think happened with his wife, he tells me “Yeah but you & Noodle were crazy, everyone could feel the chemistry off you two” Oh, fuck could they?! I tell him that there are a couple of guys that I used to chat too a lot that aren’t allowed to chat to me anymore, like I am going to fall in love with every guy I chat too…

We talk a lot & because he used to have a really hot Holden car in green, that I used to joke about having sex with him in, I tell him that if only he still had it then I would have sex with him! Hahaha.

I send him some pictures of the Krav weekend away & some of the switch pictures too, I show him wax dripped on me & he says that he wants to do it, which I say that I can help him out anytime. I invite him up to the weekend away but he has the kids, so I say another time & he says definitely. (I actually can’t believe how many men I was juggling!)

I tell him that us meeting up might cause some drama so we have to keep in on the down low, like no one could ever know! He agrees & I tell him that I am good at discreet, obviously being the other woman a few times, however this time I wouldn’t be the other women, this man is now single but I know that people would hate me for doing anything with this guy. I mean people hate me from the Private Play Party weekend & he asks what happened, I tell him that I don’t know & he says “That’s fkn weird, you were fine at the Play party weekend” He says that he’s on the outs now too since the split, so I say that he can join me! Hahaha.

He sends me pictures of his new house, not that I knew what his house looked like with her but he looks really set up with it fully set up with a couch & bed. I kind of expected it to be empty, so I relax a little… It is over with her. I start being cheeky with him, telling me that I’ve had a few wines, he says he’s going to delete all his pictures with his wife & start a new folder with my name. I send him a lingerie picture & tell him that it’s to start your collections. I send him a picture of how I looked & he says “Jesus Christ you scrubbed up pretty damn good”

We swap numbers again I see that he used to have me in his phone at Sexy #IBD4U & I send that to him & he then sends something back saying “She’s back” I tell him to be careful about me being in the family address book since I know they all have iPhones. I tell him that it will be a death sentence for me, I’ve already had enough crazy women after me, I don’t need anymore. He tells me that he thinks his wife realises they are done but he agrees we need to be discreet if we are going to meet.

When he says to me “Can I keep a pair of ya panties? I think they’d look real good on my fridge” I literally spit my drink everywhere & can’t help but laugh! I still can’t believe that’s how my life came crashing down around me, over a pair of my favourite green lace panties! I know this story with Holden isn’t going to end well, this is just playing with fire, even though this guy is single, living alone, I know that this is not a good idea. I am stupid for even considering it… I send him pictures of lingerie to get off this topic, I mean I don’t want think about that part of my life anymore.

I tell him that recently I have been playing a game called Lemmings from the 80’s on my phone to stop me from talking to boys… I say “Look at how well that is turning out” Jeez, I am chatting to this guy daily & I look forward to his chats to be honest. He was always quite shy & a genuine friend, I really miss the genuine friendship thing & I like that even though the chat is cheeky with Holden, it’s good to have a male friend.

He says that he needs to save some money & stop using it for games so that he can afford a TV in his room when a hot chick in a trench coat rocks up. I still haven’t done that, I bought the trench cost but never got to do that fantasy. Holden says that he has a bedroom door that goes outside so I wouldn’t have to go through the house which is why he needs the tv so that he can see me when his kid is there! He son is 15, so he’ll understand one day that his dad had chicks over.

He’s a massive star wars fan, but I confess that I’ve only seen the original 70’s ones & haven’t seen another others, so he tells me that he’ll watch them with me & explain what is going on… I would watch but I don’t think I will enjoy them so I would probably end up trying to have sex with him when I’m bored.

I am going away for work, yet again! Like am I ever home FFS. I get to the hotel & send him a picture of the shower, it was always a running joke about me catching some disease from the hotels that had foul shower curtains, but this one doesn’t so I had a laugh with him. I ask him if he want’s a shower picture of me & he says hells yes! So I am giggling like a school girl as I use my phone to draw a stick figure with boobs in the shower picture. I send it & he says “Literally just burst out laughing”

Because I’m away he asks for something for his fridge – like a souvenir & we’ve been talking about catching up so as a joke so I actually buy him a magnet from Port Augusta & think when I rock up at his house in a trench coat I can give him the magnet in a little brown paper bag it came in – I’ll be awkward about it but it’ll be funny.

I add a peach to the stick figure where my butt would be & I add white dots all over so it looks like I am covered in soap (I should post this picture, it’s quite funny!) He says that he needs to book some leave & come on a road trip with me… I start to think about how that would work! I hate myself for starting to plan the things in my head when a guys says that he’s going to do something… I really hate myself, but I also can’t not smile about this thought… I’ve always liked this guys sense of humour, I know how shy he always was, but I wonder if that’s because he always had a wife so didn’t want to be too forward.

I need to not do this when I meet a guy, start planning our future… This is not a good idea on so many levels… Yes he’s single, but he’s also fresh out of a relationship… This is not a good idea, so why can’t I stop it… It’s like a freight train!?

#IBD4U

I met this guy online & we chatted pretty easily, I say that I just got out the bath but am trying to get the motivation to dry my hair & he says that he will come over & dry it for me… I’m like are you are hairdresser? (because that would be amazing if dated a guy who was a hairdresser, imagine the money I’d save!) But sadly he says that he’s not a hairdresser. But he says that he’ll dry my hair anyhow, he’ll need some instruction but he’ll do it… I have pretty curly hair so I am not sure that he could dry my hair & straighten it. I tell him that I am laughing out loud at this thought when he says “You never know, I could be the best you’ve ever had” I say that he’d be the only one that I’ve ever had. He tells me that my hair is safe with him. I tell him that I would like a little tug because that’s enjoyable but I don’t want him out rip out my hair.

We talk about bootcamp & I tell him how cold it was going to the gym, he says that I don’t need the gym – of course they all say that! But I do need to go to the gym… I say that if I want to fit into my clothes, I do need to go to the gym & he says that I’d look better without clothes, why am I letting these guys flirt with me in this manner, I don’t want a hook up, but I am promoting that!

He, of course says there are better ways to get cardio, like I haven’t heard this before… I say that I used to get it a lot before I was single & he says “Really? We should rectify this” I tell him that I am looking for someone a bit more regular but I’m struggling to find that. He says that he isn’t far from me & he could be easy & regular. He’s only a suburb away from me. He says that it’s basically walking distance, but I say it’s minus 12 outside (not literally, but it’s cold) & that I am not walking anywhere. He says that he won’t either but he would drive to me. I tell him that my hair can’t get wet or sweaty because it’ll go frizzy. But he says that it’ll be a mess anyway. I do get bad sex hair. He does say that if my hair was neat, then it would probably be boring sex…. I agree then I say “Or we were just ready to go out & couldn’t resit a quick fuck… So you bent me over the pool table to keep my hair nice… That’s not boring.” He says “True, but if I’m bending you over the pool table, I’m most likely going to be pulling your hair to kiss & bit your neck” Oooh, yes please. He says that we might be a bit late! He says that he’ll definitely be fucking me before we go out… This is the kind of chit chat that gets me into trouble, I start planning this fantasy relationship in my head about all the things that we will do & all the fun we’ll have if we’re in a relationship… To be honest, the only really friends with benefits that I’ve had & that has worked & worked well was Milky. I don’t know why but he’s the only one I didn’t dream up a relationship with, I thought I started to like him, but I think that I was just wanting a partner so badly, that I made it into something that I wasn’t. I know that I do that with men too, I have had a taste of a real relationship & I know that’s what I want, so even though we’re probably talking about this guy being a friends with benefits, I still can’t help but think this shit, think that there is a future with this guy… With any guy who uses the “we” stuff.

He asks me if he should come mess up my hair now, I tell him that I don’t just invite boys to my house without them buying me a drink first. When he says that he’ll bring a bottle of Jamison, which I say I don’t drink, so I am not sure that that is buying me a drink. I tell him my wine rack is empty & he tells me that he’ll pick up a bottle of shiraz on the way.

At this point, I realise that he is 10 years younger than me, I tell him to give me his number & that I will text him with a glass of wine & then I might invite him over. He tells me to have couple of wines. So I move over to text & tell him that he doesn’t want me too drunk.

In the time I am messaging this boy, both Construction & Elvis have said no to me tonight, I ask them both to see me but both are SO busy! I am done with this shit… I am sick of even just trying to be casual with men who are so busy, like who gives up the opportunity to have casual sex with someone?! I mean what the actual fuck!?

I tell him that I only have white wine & he says that he can bring me red wine but I can use the white for courage. I find some vodka in the freezer, so I break my rule & drink alone… Even if this guy does come over, I am breaking my rule to drink alone. I have been ditched by two men I have fucked & tried to see tonight. This stupidly makes me feel shit, I know I don’t need a man to validate me, but do you know what, I am low… I need it tonight.

I ask him how often he meets someone online that night & then meet that night, he says that he’s never done it – I wish I could say the same to be honest. I tell him that I’m in trackies with no make up (at least I have eyelash extensions so I don’t need to worry about looking too shit!) He says that he won’t be complaining, I said that it would be weird at this point if he did complain.

I tell him that I have lots of coke – from the Noddy debacle & that I have sugar free lemonade. He says that he’ll bring shiraz, I say that he doesn’t have too because I am drinking vodka now. He says that he’ll bring Jamison tonight but shiraz another time. I tell him that I have plenty of spirits & send him a picture of my little bar that I have & he says wow, but he won’t’ come empty handed. I tell him to bring it his Jamison but I won’t drink it.

I then say – OMG, I can’t believe I say this… “Want to come over? Or are we going to text about it all night?” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!

He says that I haven’t told him my address yet but I say that he hasn’t asked yet. He says “What’s your address #IBD4U? I want to come see you” with a winky face emoji. I am being cheeky, obviously “Oh wow really!? This comes as such a surprise, why yes Jamison. You may have my address” to which I send.. OMG! I send him my address!!! He says that he’s on his way & that he’ll see me soon.

He rocks up at my house at just after 11:00pm – yes, we were messaging at booty call o’clock, with his bottle of Jamison & he’s cute, I don’t look the best to be honest, but I am not hideous, we make a drink & go sit on the couch, we talk a fair bit & it’s easy, nothing awkward, he’s pretty cute, looks pretty much like his pictures.

We chat, we have a few drinks. It’s easy, it’s fun, I like hanging with this guy, eventually he makes a move on me & we have sex. The sex is good but uneventful, I mean I can’t really remember it so it can’t be that amazing. I mean I know that it was good but there was nothing that memorable about it. He leaves my house & I think that it went well & that I will probably hear from him in a few days.

By Tuesday I haven’t heard from him & I had realised that he’s left his bottle of Jamison at my house, so I decide to text him – which you all know that it took all of my stubbornness to actually do & say “Hey, how have you been? Did you know you left your bottle of Jamison here?” I wait, thinking that I will get a reply a few hours later, I am not fussed, you know, I mean he could be at work… Here I am almost 12 months later, still waiting for his reply & still have his bottle of Jamison.

#IBD4U

I have spoken to this guy quite a few times online over the years, I think this time it’s been better because of my rope pictures that I have up… I don’t know, I mean I don’t think he’s ugly but he’s not exactly my type, but since we’re both still single, I think why not give him a go… OMG I hate myself for saying that…

He sees my rope picture of course & he asks if I’m a rope bunny. Well at least he knows the terminology. I even tell him that he’s the first one on here to even know the correct terms, he says that he’s not into rope but he is into other kinky things.

He asks the dreaded question about what I’m looking for, he says “Looking for a genuine guy with a splash of kink” Yeah, I couldn’t have said it better myself – he says he’s looking for the same thing in a girl. This could work out nicely.

He talks about where I live & asks if I ever come to the city, I obviously do as I work nearby, he suggests a pub close to my work & obviously close to when he lives, which would be out of the way for me on a non-work day to go to.

He asks me quickly if I want to meet him on Sunday, I can only do Sunday afternoons, so I suggest that we meet at Glenelg as it halfwayish for both of us. This is really quick to meet someone, but I have seen him around the traps & I like to meet quickly to stop me from dreaming up a whole relationship in my head & then find out they are boring.

He asks what else I am into, I say the usual kayaking, gym, running, music & writing. He says the that he is into the gym, camping, brunch & kink. Well he’s talking up the kink thing now… He better live up to my standard. He even says on his profile that he is a Dom so I guess he really needs to live up to it now that he’s put it out there & knows that I am into kink too.

The next day he ask how I am, really late in the day, I write back even later as I am at a 30^th. We don’t chat much but the next day he messages & asks if I am still keen to meet today, which I say that I can but I have to leave about 3:30 pm – I have family dinner at my house. He suggests that we meet at 1:00pm & gives me his phone number.

I text him & ask if he wants to get food at Glenelg, but he says no that he has family bbq meat left over & offers me to go there for lunch, which I decline. I arrive at the pub in my favourite date outfit white denim skirt with navy stockings & books with my blue Fcuk jumper. I’ve done my make up nice & my hair is clean & looking good. When I see him, he’s sitting down in a booth table type area with a water. I approach feeling confident till I realise he is wearing a fucking tracksuit… WTF is with men wearing a tracksuit & t shirt on a date?! I mean I know that it’s a Sunday afternoon casual drink, but fuck me. I am now way overdressed & feel ridiculous.

We say hello & he offers to get me a drink, I say shiraz & I sit down watching him walk away, I think when the fuck will I meet a guy who puts in a little effort for me, like I do with them?

He brings back a wine for me & a water for him, I ask why he’s not drinking because now I even feel more like a dickhead, over dressed & seemingly an alcoholic. FUCK… He says that he had a big night last night & can’t drink today.

Besides this, the date goes ok, he talks openly about kink that I relax while chatting about it too, it’s easy to open up when they aren’t being a weirdo or creepy about it. I don’t drink another wine & he just has another water with me, I am feeling a little weird about this, but I’m not sure why. Is it a red flag or am I creating one because I’m not feeling that chemistry?!

We leave at 3:00pm as I say I have to go home, it’s not an awkward date & it’s not a great date, we hug goodbye & I expect never to hear from him again, but to my surprised at 3:06pm he sends me picture of his car that’s been boxed in. I tell him to suck in. we have a laugh about it & he says that he wants to catch up when I’m back from my work trip, which I say yeah. He says “I get the vibe were on the same page, which is refreshing because you seem like a really decent chick. Lets do Tuesday” I don’t want to skip my gym routine for a dude again, so I offer up Thursday or Friday, which he says Thursday.

He’s in bed & sends me a picture when I say that I’ve been up, unpacked & packed the dishwasher, had an insurance wrote, couch cleaning guys were at my house & I had a yummy breakfast, now I’m off to work & he’s still in bed! He tells me not to be jealous. I am away for work when he messages again to ask how my day was.

On Tuesdays he’s asking me what I want to do when we catch up on Thursday. I I say that I am flexible after finishing at the gym at 6:30. He says “I bet you are” I don’t know why the cheeky banter doesn’t impress me.

On Wednesday he asks how I am & I say that I have to get up at 5:30 am to fly home. As he’s a pilot he doesn’t mind flying but I am not a good flyer, I never have been, even though I have flown every where. He says I should imagine him flying the plane, but I remind him that he can’t even park his car so I don’t want him flying my plane. He laughs & says the h can’t pack, that he even has photo proof of the lines. We talk about how close he is the lines & it’s fun banter. We talk about him driving somewhere on Thursday night, he says that he doesn’t expect anything from coming to my house, but he’ll show me his driving skills. He says that he’ll be in trackies & a hoodie – well at least this time I have warning not to bother dressing up. He says that he’ll warm up his side of the couch, oh his side?! Really… I tell him when I have just touched down, I am going to the gym & he can come over later. He says yes & heads on over at 7:00pm.

We don’t hug or kiss hello, which I think is weird, he walks in & we sit & chat, I say that I am hungry & offer to order domino’s pizza which he looks at me like I want to shit on the pizza & eat it… He asks if there is any little pizza shops near by & I mean to be honest, I have no idea. So we decide on KFC. He drives & we go through drive though, he orders our meals as separate orders… Yes that’s right, the guy doesn’t even pay for my KFC. Ok, that’s ok, I will pay for my own, but he’s gone through drive though & expects me to pay for my own! Really?

We have a reasonable date, watch a movie & eat KFC, then he leaves… Yeah no kiss, no hug, just a bye & out the door fairly early. I have been up since 5:30 am so it’s ok, but it’s a bit of a weird dynamic.

I never hear from Air Force again! A few days later he adds me on snapchat, but after less than a week of messaging me good morning every day, he just stops. He never talks to me on snapchat when I do add him. I won’t ever understand what happened with this one!? Was it my pizza choice? Was it the KFC? I don’t get it…

#IBD4U

I see Elvis again on a dating app when I am trying to find a partner when I am actually with Noodle, we chat for a bit then we stop, I am too into Noodle anyway to be bothered with this guy. I’ve deleted Elvis from my Facebook as you’ll remember for those playing at home & have read the previous Elvis stories. They were a while ago, I mean it’s been about 2 years since I last spoke with Elvis.

After everything with Noodle, Noddy & then British, I am back online when I see Elvis face come up again, I think about not liking his profile & just moving on – been there done that, didn’t work out, but maybe it’s different, maybe he wants a partner? I’m curious to see if he’s liked my profile so I like his & it’s a match straight away! Hahaha… So now what?!

Now this is one time when I am not an idiot & refuse to chat first, if I match with them from my swipe, then I always will message hello first. If they match with me from their swipe, then they must message me first… So my rule still applies – in a way. So I say hello to Elvis, I am the one that matched with him after all, I don’t have to wait long for a reply before he’s asking how I’ve been.

We talk easily about what we’ve been doing, he’s turning his life around by not drinking or smoking weed or taking drugs which is good to see for him. I must be drunk because I say that I never get enough sex & that we could help each other out, but he agrees. I mean this guy is never going to be a boyfriend, is he, so why not just have some fun. I’m between douches at the moment, so I may as well have some fun with a guy I’ve already fucked so I’m not adding notches on my bedpost. I invite him over tonight but he says no that he’s already in bed & tired. “Wow, don’t often get guys saying no to a no strings attached sex ever… No matter how tired” He says sorry & I actually realise that Construction said no several times so clearly these guys aren’t that into me. I tell him that we can catch up another time, he suggests in the morning, that he’ll set an alarm for 8:00am & he’ll come over then. He says he can’t find me on Facebook (yeah cos I deleted ya!) & so he adds me as a friend on there & we take the chat over to there, I instantly send him a picture of me in a sexy bra?! WHAT THE FUCK… Hahaha. I send a bunch of pictures & he’s still replying saying that he’s getting excited, especially when I say that if he’s definitely coming over in the morning, then I will wear something cute to bed for when he gets here in the morning, as I am not getting out of bed. He literally goes to sleep at 8:30 pm & I get into bed in a cute nighty thing & sleep. I get a message from him at 8:30 am saying he’s going to have a shower now, I say that I am staying in bed, but will leave the door unlocked if that’s not weird for him – being we’ve never had this type of relationship, I’m mean we’ve only fucked once or twice.

I’m watching F.r.i.e.n.d.s in bed when he finally arrives, he walks in sheepishly & I look up & we say hello. He sort of doesn’t know what to do, that he climbs into my warm bed fully dressed & we sort of snuggle. I can tell he’s sort of nervous around me or maybe just nervous around women in general, who knows… he cuddles me but not really making a move, we literally chat – albeit quite easily & watch F.r.i.e.n.d.s for a while, at least 2-3 episodes before I keep snuggling into him more to get him to make a move on me. I thought he said that he was good at making moves? I’m useless at it, but I have fucked this guy before & he is here at 9:00am on a Sunday for only one reason. Finally he gets the hint, I mean he was trying to warm up, he was pretty cold. We have sex, it’s good, he is SO good a foreplay. We change positions a few times, I get to cum a couple of times then he cums… This guy has stamina, considering he says he’s trying not to cum very quickly.

I don’t hear from him for about a month after that though, so I message & ask if he’s free. He says that’s he not, his mum is in town but he’ll keep in touch for later tonight, not this old chestnut?! Hahaha, I never hear from him again that night & so I don’t bother messaging him!

He messages me about 2 weeks later saying he’s been super horny & thinking about me, looking at my pictures – another line I fall for. He says he’s at the gym but will go home shower & come over. I have told him that I have a dinner to get to by 6:00pm & it’s already like 4:00pm but he sends me a video if him in his jocks stroking his cock…

He messages me that he’s outside, we meet at my front door & kiss immediately, we go into my bedroom & because he doesn’t last long when he actually fucks me, he is very attentive prior to fucking me, however we don’t actually have penetrative sex today, he gets me off several times & then he cums when I’m sucking his dick, he says he can’t hold it in. I kind of like it when you know a guy is enjoying it so much that he is trying not to cum but then can’t hold it in any longer – not just a douche canoe that cums quickly & leaves. He is so attentive to my ass today, that I am sure he’s going to try to fuck it, but he doesn’t, he spend s lot of time with his fingers & tongue but never sticks his dick near it…

I’m not sure I’m a fan of rimming btw, just as a side note… I like my ass being fucked (as we all know! Sorry friends!) but someone licking my ass is disconcerting for me. I am petrified that I am going to fart! I mean does that happen? I assume it could, I assume it has for some people, your butt is exposed & open, I’m scared that may not be able to hold it in… Crows licked my ass a few times actually & seemed to love it, I thought it felt good, obviously but I couldn’t relax, what if I relax too much & I fart… OMG, so mortifying! I get your ass & vagina make noise when being fucked which sounds like farts, but 99% of the time it isn’t an actual fart, but there is no way you could pretend a fart isn’t a fart when your ass is being licked, can you? (How many times can I say fart in a blog!?) When it’s being licked, air isn’t getting pushed up there to come out… Omg. This is so much detail about farts… Bahahaha.

Anyway, I send Elvis a picture of me going to Switch, as a nurse, a switch I was trying to get Construction to go to too & that I send British pictures of me too, all I get back from Elvis is “That’s a cheeky one” & nothing much else, that I leave it with him. It’s around this time that I see him being tagged in meme after meme on facebook, so I assume he’s seeing someone & as I am actually seeing someone, that is going well (Yes I know, story to come!) I don’t bother too much with writing back to him!

#IBD4U

Sorry about Friday, I wasn’t supposed to post Construction #2, as I hadn’t written it. Sorry to those who looked at the blog thinking they were getting a juicy second post & it was empty! hahaha. Here it is…

I’m disappointed Construction didn’t come to switch but I figure that we’ll go together at some point, he seems pretty keen to go. We also talk about lingerie & he says that he prefers me naked, I am kind of a bit sad about that. I mean I love the look I get when a man looks at you when you take off your clothes & are wearing lingerie underneath for them. Trust me, when a man looks at you like that, you never forget it. I remember Crows not caring about lingerie either which annoyed me after what I’d just experienced with someone else. I wish Crows did because I wanted to wear it, I wanted that high of that look they give. To be honest, I almost got that look with Noddy, but I think he might’ve taken the lingerie thing for granted with me.

Construction says that instead of pictures of me in lingerie he’d prefer videos of me squirting… Well that might be hard to record alone, when he says that he’ll duct tape a camera to his head & so I laugh at him, I mean am I supposed to be able to cum while looking at his phone duct tapped to his forehead?

Because we’re being cheeky, I send him a picture of my legs in the bath – seductive pic that usually sends men into a frenzy & he says “Very nice! How did u cut the wine bottle in half?” I have a candle that I bought in the UK that is a wine bottle cut in half with a label of shiraz on it & the candle actually smells like Shiraz wine. It’s amazing. I used to use it all the time, now I don’t because I don’t want to waste it. I say “Errr… You do realised that I’m naked in the pic?! Right…?” He says “yes what’s your point” Alright, 2 seconds ago you were being cheeky about lingerie & making me squirt, I send a picture & he changes to a grumpy old man. I just say no point & that I bought the candle like that, he must pick up on my tone “Sorry my head hurts & I’m tired, Lets say goodnight & chat 2morro” I don’t reply… Fucking hell, it’s always on men’s terms… I can’t ever be in control of any situation, can I?

After that, I am not fucking messaging first… I feel like a right twat! He can get fucked. Men are stupid (hahaha) & I hate that I feel foolish. He doesn’t message me till almost 10:00pm the next day, well fuck you dude. We chat normally over the next few days, but it takes a while to get cheeky again – I’m a bit reserved, however I invite him out for brunch before the weekend with included the Krav story but he says that he’s at work… Alright whatever dude. I’m trying my hardest to not just be in a sexual thing with chatting all day long, I want something more that. He says that he might come down to Hindmarsh Island for the weekend, but I highly doubt that he will… Why do men suggest things they have no intention of doing? He said he wanted to come to switch, he didn’t. He says he wants to come to Hindmarsh Island & you guessed it, he didn’t… There was some excuse. He messages all weekend, but I am in no mood to reply & be cute & flirty, so I barely give him any decent replies. But when my friend has a go at me & calls me a cow, I want to leave & tell him that if I hadn’t had a few wines, I would leave now. I feel like an outsider at my own mini holiday.

The next morning I am on my way home when he starts messaging, asking what I am doing. He says he’s trying to sort out his morning glory & I say that I can help with that, which he invites himself over. I agree, I mean I need something to erase this shitty weekend.

He says “I’ll message when I’m out front. Leave the door open. Then go back to your room & lay down on all 4’s with your ass up” Ooohhhh… ok – this sounds like fun!! I agree. But then he sends me a message about 20 minutes later “Do you want to greet me at the door or go along with the plan?” OMG, why is he changing his mind. It’s freezing so I’ve already unlocked the front door & got back into bed with just panties on, I tell him the door is open, I’m a bit over this game now, just come in. I’m lying in bed with the tv on & the covers up, keeping me warm.

He comes into my room & he gets undressed, saying something about his dog & kids (he doesn’t have kids though) which makes me think that he’s recently just broken up with someone (I forget what he said but it was weird & that was my first thought) He climbs into bed with me & sort of snuggle & talk a bit, we have sex, not hot sex like I thought I was going to get from his ordered text, but just normal sex, still good sex but nothing too out of the ordinary.

He stays over for a couple of hours & leaves, but then I don’t hear from him again… 5 days go past & you know me, I refuse to message, I mean the guy was inside me for fuck sake, surely he can message me?!

Anyway I get a bit horny & message asking how his week was. He says busy “I thought of messaging you yesterday but went out last night.” OMG… Why would he say that? Is that supposed to be a good thing? Hahaha. Because when I read it, it doesn’t sound that good to me!

A few days later, he messages but I’m away for work & asleep in the hotel room, when he says that he found a picture. He shares it with me. It’s picture of a naked chick tied to a chair. However the wrists are tied to the front legs, her back in basically on the seat & her legs tied to over her head to the top of the backrest… Hopefully you can picture it, she’s basically in a ball, exposed, ass & pussy on display & completely tied to a chair. I will admit that it gives my clit a little tingle to think about that – however I don’t trust this guy yet to tie me up. He asks if I have a suitable chair, but I don’t so he says that he’ll source one from Facebook market place or gumtree.

A few days later, I say that my plans were cancelled & invite him over for a drink, but set the preface that I have to be up early for a work flight at 7:00am, so he knows it won’t be a late one. But he says that he has to dig up some emails for a legal meeting… Yeah whatever. I say have a fun night & asks me what I’m doing on the weekend, which I just reply “busy Friday & not sure about the rest,” he says that we’ll try to sort something out. I go away & come home without hearing from him again.

He starts messaging again with pictures of chairs he’s finding, they are all over $100 for the ones he’s looking at, I hope that he’s not going to ask me to pay for some!? This is his idea! I tell him that I want to have regular sex with him a bit more before I trust him enough to tie me to this chair, so I invite him over again & he says no that he’s at work… I say it won’t be till later, dinner or drinks, he says that he has dinner plans but to keep in touch… Fuck off, I’m done now “Right, I’ll leave it with you… Not going to keep asking you all the time. If you’re free, you’re free.” He writes back that he has a lot going on at the moment. I read it & don’t reply… Whatever… I’ve seen this old chest nut before, I’m sick of it… Men telling me how busy they are is so fucking insulting, I work fucking hard, travel for work, go to the gym 4-5 times a week & have a life, no one is so busy they can’t fucking see me!

I have a meltdown at work & end up with a dr’s certificate to have the week off after someone else is sent to do my work in a country town, something I have been doing for 5 years – yes 5 fucking years & I get cast aside & someone else is sent in my place like I’m completely incompetent – among other things that happened at this time. I loved my job, I was passionate about it & now, completely unprecedented, I am on leave because of work… Fuck.

Construction messages me & asks how I’ve been days later & I tell him I’ve been off work, he asks what I’m up to on the weekend then stops replying.

A few days later, I get messages again, he says that he wants to come to the next switch (so it’s a month since I saw him last – not through lack of trying on my part) He says that he trying to fit a million things into a weekend. I don’t reply. A few days later he asks “how things are miss” & I ignore it. I am done with this & am interested in someone else by this point (hehehe, stories to come!) & I don’t want to deal with a man who didn’t want me…

A month later he says to me “Happy birthday for the other day” I ask how he knew & he says that he was stalking my Facebook profile but he says “All locked though” (Remember this fact for future blogs – My Facebook profile is all locked!! Oooh, more intrigue!)

He says that he wants to go to events that he’s found of fetlife, I tell him to go, he asks if I’m inviting him, I say “no, I’ve invitied you to things & you’re always too busy” He says that he’s timid but our chats phase out, I’m done with this guy. Later he says that he’s fantasising about tying me up & making me squirt. I say “Hahaha, keep fantasising that” I am never letting this guy tie me up, I can’t trust him! He asks if he’s burnt that bridge, which I say that “Well I don’t just let anyone tie me up… Need to trust them, can’t earn my trust when I never see the guy! Hahaha. I’m worth more than a snippit of some guys time.” Fuck I know this is true he messages a few times over the next few months, but I don’t give him much to reply too.

On to bigger & better things!

#IBD4U

I match with a guy who looks too much like Noodle for my liking – fuck I must have a type! What is wrong with me?! He skinnier though & I can tell a lot shorter than Noodle! Not as cute, but still in the same type bracket as Noodle… I really need to branch out here!

At this time I still have a rope picture on my profile as I’ve been going to Rope a lot & still looking for someone to do this more full time with, not something I’m obsessed with but an interest that I would like to pursue if there is a who wants too, if not, it’s not the end of the world for me.

He says he’s a construction manager within about 5 messages when we ask the normal questions to each other & my initial reaction is “Do you wear sexy high viz & come home scruffy or nice suit & tie?” What the fuck is wrong with me, no wonder I end up with only shags & no real boyfriend material… I mean I have a rope picture & I say things like that… Jeez!

I also don’t know why I invite him to Rope classes, I tell him that I have a regular rigger but he could still come along, like what are you doing? He doesn’t get it because he asks if it’s a sexual thing, well the classes aren’t, obviously they are for learning the skills that you can use for sex or just because you like it. I explain that I am not in a sexual thing with my rigger so it’s not sexual for me, I like being tied & I like the feeling. I would like it more if I had a partner, if he was into it. But again, like I said, I don’t have to have rope or be tied down.

We talk about my work & how it’s changing & that I’m not going to be travelling much soon, which is what I asked for but not to not travel at all. He asks if I’ve ever been married & if I have kids, I say no to both obviously & he says “What’s your excuse? You’re beautiful & seem like you have your stuff sorted?” Yeah if that were the only things I needed to get married… I mean do you have to be beautiful to be married? I say I don’t know why, that maybe I’m a bitch, I tell him that I don’t want kids, as I may as well get that out in the open & he sort of stops replying so later I ask if it changes things for him & he says he’s thought about not having kids but it doesn’t change his opinion of me, but then doesn’t really talk to me much & is a bit sporadic with his massages. So I just move on to chat to others. But I do something out of the ordinary & I suggest we catch up. I never do that, I usually wait for them to ask. But the next day, it’s Sunday, I don’t have much to do & my family dinner isn’t on either. So he asks if I want to catch up for lunch. I get dressed in my new date outfit, a navy FCUK jumper, a white skirt with navy tights & brown heeled boots, I feel good, I look good in this outfit.

The date goes well, we eat lunch late at the pub & we chat easily, enjoying a few wines. He is the one that suggests leaving the pub because he needs a nap so I don’t think much, we hug goodbye & I think that the whole date was all in my head, that I dreamt that there was something between us, but anyway, moving on. Whatever.

After the date, I’m am surprised that he messages to say “Thanks for a great afternoon miss” I fucking hate being called miss. But I allow it because the date did go well & I wasn’t expecting to hear from him again. I say that I am considering going to bed or having a bath & he asks where is his invite, really dude? You were the one that wanted to go home for a nap!

He says that he’ll forgo a nap & come over?! Really… 2 dates in one day? Have I had this happen before? Before I know it I am typing out my address & he is asking where to buy bubble bath at 7:30 pm on a Saturday night (remembering for those not living in Adelaide, that Adelaide shuts down at 5pm on a Saturday!) He even says “Well that escalated quickly” Yeah it fucking did, we haven’t even kissed & this dude is coming to my fucking house for a bath… Fucking hell…

He gets to my house, I am of course not in the bath because that would be weird, wouldn’t it? I mean he said he was bringing bubbles, which I hate in a bath, but would accept them since I haven’t bathed with anyone since Noodle. We didn’t use bubbles but I had seen that man naked 100 times, he’d been in every hole of mine & seen every angle of me, so in the bath didn’t matter, with this guy, he’s not even seen cleavage… Except in pictures on the dating app.

We sit & watch shit on tv, drinking red wine & chatting, we chat pretty easily actually, I really enjoy the proper conversation. I notice that he brought nothing, no bubbles, no bottle of wine, I mean he was asking me what to bring & said he was getting something, then didn’t. People are weird, I wouldn’t rock up to someone’s house after saying I was bringing something & then not bring something. Not that it’s a big deal but just tells me something about him – I guess – yes I am overthinking it… I know! It is me after all… Hahaha.

When he makes a moves on me & we get naked on the couch & have sex – I sit on his lap, I love sitting on guys laps & riding them on a chair… Chair sex is hot! Somehow this guy makes me squirt… On the couch too… I don’t know how I feel comfortable doing that but I do…

We have sex a couple of times & he stays till really late in the night, he says he’s going to stay then he isn’t – next minute he’s snoring in my bed, I move to get the covers on & he wakes up & he can’t decide if he’s staying or not so I just tell him to leave so I can go to sleep without snoring.

I’m not feeling well the next day so I don’t go to work… I don’t think I will hear from him & I refuse to message but to my surprise at like 9 pm he messages & ask if I’m tired, we chat for a bit & he says that he had a lot of fun yesterday & that it’s easy when you get along. I agree, I mean it’s good that we do, I mention that it was sneaky of him to use a bubble bath to get my address & he says next time. Ok, so there is going to be a next time… I invite him to Switch, which probably isn’t a good idea after what happened with Noddy, but I really loved the feeling of being there with a guy. It will be a bit weird I guess as Construction & I aren’t a couple or touchy feely, but at least I’ll have someone there with me, I won’t feel like an outcast. I am desperate for him to come to be honest as it’s the first Switch I am going to alone, it’s the one that’s a mask event where I see Noddy & snapchat girl as I walk in. Then get yelled at by people for doing wax & rope… Construction never comes to Switch, but he does at least message to say he’s not coming…

#IBD4U

FUCK ME HARD!

Strong language warning in this post! Hahaha…

I walk in to my small independent gym, for my favourite class, I have been going to this gym for about 4 years now & it’s mainly women that go here. I wish I could tag it sometimes so you can all enjoy it too, but I can’t give away too much about my real life & where I live. Hahaha. (Besides all the kinky sex!)

As I walk into the gym tonight, nothing is unusual, I walk in but I stop dead when I see him…. There is a tall guy with dark hair & beard, he has his back to me but I can tell he has a beard. It can’t be… No way would he come here! WHAT THE FUCK.

This guy is standing next to a small blondeish woman, is that fucking Noodle & his partner? What the actual factual fuck is he doing here? He knows this is my gym! I know it’s close to his partners work, but fuck he wouldn’t be so stupid to bring her here?! He knows this is my gym. But I mean he did bring his partner to my house when he said he wouldn’t, so fuck!

But this woman doesn’t look like Noodle’s partner, she was quite a bit bigger than me, even though it’s been a year & a half since all that drama, I doubt she could get that tiny that quick – it’s not her… Is it?!

Noodle has done really stupid things before, for someone so smart, he can be really dumb like showing his partner where I live right after she tried to “kill” herself… So I guess I can’t be surprised if he bloody starts coming to my gym with her! Is he fucking kidding me!?

Jesus Christ, the way this guy stands, his shoes, even his fucking gym clothes is just like Noodle. His dark hair, which is a bit shorter than Noodle’s as his was longer on top & the full beard… Could he seriously be here?! My heart pounding, I’m sure everyone will be able to see it beating out my chest, maybe it is Noodle but that’s his sister? No, I also know what his sister looks like, it’s not her. FUCK.

I used to imagine Noodle going to the gym with me – it was one of the reasons I joined his gym because I wanted to work out with him. I know how awkward Noodle would be here, how he’d feel stupid doing a class where there is a routine involved, but he would put in some effort to impress me & we would enjoy it together… I loved working out with him at his gym, I know he would enjoy my gym, eventually when he didn’t feel like an idiot.

But right now, I am paralyzed, I don’t know what to do, I want to turn & run out the class, but people have seen me & I’ve said hello to people. FUCK. I can’t be melodramatic… I have to just do it. If it’s him, he’s here for a reason, he knows this is my gym, there is no other gym like it. He knows… I just have to get through this, I walk over to the equipment & get everything I need. As I turn, I can’t help but look at the guy, I finally see his face… My heart still beats fast but it’s not Noodle! Thank fuck for that! While it’s not Noodle, this guy looks almost exactly the fucking same. Brown short hair & a full beard. He has a tattoo on his arm, Noodle was a clean skin but I guess it’s been a year, I got another tattoo after we ended, so he could’ve got one too. But thankfully it’s not Noodle. However the likeliness is fucking unsettling – I think this post has a record number of fucks in it! Sorry about that… Hahaha… You have no idea how this feels unless you’ve experienced it. If I didn’t know any better, I would think this guy is Noodle’s older brother… I know Noodle is the oldest, so they’re not related, but fucking hell they look so similar.

Ok so crisis averted for tonight, but now I have the issue of how am I going to get through this?! He stands in front of me, I usually always go to the back of the class by the air conditioner, he is there with his partner, they are new to the gym & haven’t joined yet. Good, well hopefully they won’t join!

I cannot take my eyes off him the whole class… So much so he probably catches me looking at him a lot. He even exercises like Noodle would, I can’t even cope with this at all. I’m sure his partner notices how much I look at him too… How could she not, I am acting like a fucking weirdo!

Ironically though, I work out harder than I ever have before, hoping that he notices… WTF! This guy doesn’t even know me! Hahaha. But right now it’s about what he represents!

WHY is the higher power (who ever that may be – God or spiritual?) such a asshole to me?! This guy & his partner are at almost every session that I go to – I go to these sessions because of the time slot – the only ones I can make with work commute & the hardness of the class – I avoid dance type routine classes for weights & bootcamps. FUCK. I can’t stop looking at him & while I do work out harder than ever, I think about Noodle a lot… I am also at this time in real life, posting the Noodle story for you all so I’ve been reliving the relationship (I think I am posting about us saying we have feelings!) & thinking about him a lot anyway, but this is making it so hard to get over. This guy looking exactly like him, talking like him, acting like him… FUCK. I cannot cope. I see on the Facebook gym page that this couple have joined, as they post to welcome new people. DOUBLE FUCK.

I find out that they are getting married later in the year, it’s only a few months away, I assume he’s getting into shape for the photos (just like Noodle did for his brother’s wedding!) so hopefully once they’re married they go back to their previous lifestyle of not going to my gym! Yes, only a few months & they’ll be gone! Phew.

One of the bootcamp sessions, we have to kick people off their station, once we’re kicked off, like a snowball effect or something. I refuse to kick him off or go anywhere near him, but somehow I seem to end up opposite him or close to him & I can’t help but watch him. It really fucks me off because while I know I am not really over Noodle, I thought I was moving on, I thought I had moved on. This is bringing up all these feelings & all I want to do is message Noodle & see if he’s ok. I miss him a lot. I miss his friendship! FUCK!

I notice what car Doppelganger has so when I drive in to my favourite class & their car isn’t there, I am relieved, I can relax – good I can have the gym to myself (not really to myself but I don’t have to think about Noodle or look at this poor guy who knows nothing!) But then sometimes they come running in after me. FUCK.

The most annoying thing about this guy being at my gym with his partner, is that they are fucking lovely people! I really like them but I just can’t look at him & not have my heart break a little or think about their wedding & then imagine Noodle & his partners wedding… or worse imagine my wedding with Noodle.

I got partnered with Doppelgangers partner one day at bootcamp, she was lovely & we’re about at the same fitness level so it was good to push myself because I didn’t want her to think I am weak. To be honest though it makes me work a little harder when he is in the class, thinking me might be looking at me – which let’s face it, he probably isn’t watching me or even looking in my direction however, it really pushes me harder! But if he is looking at me, it’s probably because he’s wondering why I keep looking at him!

Another bootcamp, we’re doing shuttle runs & I somehow get behind him a lot. He does his run but as he turns he pulls a face as he walks off to the side & I think FUCK that’s exactly the fucking face Noodle would’ve pulled at me too! I cannot help but think about Noodle when I am around this guy!

As predicted, they get married in October 2019 & they don’t come to the gym as often as they used too, which makes me happy! Ironically I find out about 4 months after they got married, that someone else significant to me got married on the same day… Story to come! (Ooooh intrigue!)

Later in the year, I sit opposite them at the Christmas dinner & chat to him more. They’re so fucking lovely that it kills me. I don’t know what is worse though, the fact that I don’t have Noodle anymore or the fact that this guy is exactly like him & married to someone else or the fact that I am still fucking single!!

As predicted though, 5 months after their wedding, I hardly ever see them anymore, which is weird but great since I am now at the gym a lot more that I ever was before! However, I do get disappointed when I don’t see them or him there…

#IBD4U

Oh I’m sorry to those settling down with their morning coffee again, this isn’t a long one today… #SpoilerAlert!

Chatting to a guy after the failed attempt of British… I mean how am I still online dating after the things I’ve been through this year?! It’s only June 2019 FFS!! Even the things I have been through in the last 2 years, how am I still doing this to myself? Missing the man that I am still in love with – trying to forget & fall out of love with, being broken up with via snapchat & now a man runs back to the UK after spinning me so much bullshit! Seriously, how does this stuff keep happening to me? Do I invite it? I get some of it could be things I do, but seriously, not all of it! Surely?! How am I still doing this to myself? Why am I online…?

Anyway I chat to this guy Athlete, who looks amazing, tanned, toned, athletic that I honestly think this guy is too good for me, he won’t want someone like me, average sized, average looks, apparently average personality.

We chat a bit & we get along quite well, he’s witty & cheeky, I really enjoy the banter again. I tell him that I’m short & not fit like him & he says that I have a killer body & that we should catch up & compate tans. However he lives quite far south from me, in a small coastal town, so he’s not down in Adelaide a lot, however we’re chatting one day when he says that he’s in Adelaide & asks if I want to catch up for drinks. I get ready in record time, trying to look like this is how I always look, not like I got ready to meet him.

He says that he’s a professional surfer & so he’s always out in the sun & quite fit. Well definitely from his pictures he looks fit & tanned from being in the sun. I am actually quite worried about meeting his guy to be honest.

We go to the usual local pub by me that I usually pick & it’s cold, so I sit inside with a wine waiting for him to rock up. When I look up I see a guy bee lining it for me & I think FUCK!

Athlete does not look like his pictures at all… Not even close… I usually say the opposite, better than his pictures, but this guy is not. I can tell that it’s him, even though his photos are probably from 1998… I’m 100% sure that they are well over 10 years old or more! Standing in front of me is a blonde guy that is now greying & thinning, he’s wearing glasses, his teeth are really crooked, he is not tanned, not even a little, he has a little gut – there would be a lot of work to do to get those abs in the picture back & while I don’t judge people on their beer bellies or their outfits & I know he’s come from his friend’s house, not knowing he was going to be meeting me & as he lives far away, he hasn’t gone home to change, but he rocks up in a tracksuit. A fucking god damn tracksuit! Ok let’s not judge, But how old are those fucking pictures?!

Anyway this date is a complete bore, not only does this guy not look at all similar to his did 10 years ago in his pictures, he is a big dull dud. I struggle to keep the conversation going, asking so many questions about his surfing, that I don’t give a fuck about to be quite honest but he can’t seem to talk about anything else nor does he ask me any questions about me or my interests. I try to talk about kayaking as it’s a hobby of mine, it’s on water so at least a little similar to surfing, but I barely get a conversation going before I am just vaguigng out as there are very little responses.

Where is the guy I chatted too so easily online?! How can he change so much? I don’t get it… I mean I understand people have online personalities, but I think mine is pretty much the same in real life. Witty, funny & cheeky… I don’t change online to real life (Maybe that’s my problem! Hahaha) but this guy, my god, it is hard work to keep talking too!

Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he doesn’t think I look like my pictures (though I can verfy that I’ve been told by everyone I’ve ever asked that I do look like my pictures) or maybe my personality is overwhelming because I am compensating for the dead fish in front of me not talking?!

I am fucking bored!

This is shit…

I fake a dinner engagement & leave after one drink, he offers a second drink but I say no, I have to go, also implying for him that he has a long drive a head of him to get home. I am so bored I’ve been counting bottles in the bar display. 32. Yes – 32.

Obviously my personality wasn’t the problem as he tries to chat to me online later that night, telling me to enjoy my dinner & that my skirt was cute (Actually he did a fingers emoji that represents looking good). A few days later as I don’t really give him much, saying he had a good time & that he’d like to do it again. I reply for a few times, not wanting to be rude but in the end I delete him. What is the point, I am never going to see him again, I mean I wouldn’t put my worst enemy though a date like that, why would I put myself through it?

This brings up an interesting point though, is online dating giving us the ability to just be whoever we want to be?! I am always scared that my online personality or the chemistry you feel with someone won’t translate to an in-person relationship or chemistry. With Noodle obviously it did but other men, I have sometimes struggled with it. I’m not blaming them at all, I mean I could be the problem, I am part of the problem at least I mean clearly I’m hard to date or I wouldn’t have men running back to the UK to stop seeing me. Hahaha…

#IBD4U

The next day, Monday, back to work but for the first time in a long time I wake up & my first thought isn’t Noodle, my second thought isn’t Noddy either. It’s all about British. I expect to hear from him on the way to work on through out the day but nothing. I can’t help but grin thinking about him & the weekend. I know we only met on Saturday but I do feel a little something & don’t think he would be messaging me so much on the weekend if he wasn’t interested too. Surely?!

I don’t hear from him all day & of course I refuse to message him. When I’m talking excitedly to a friend over lunch, she asks me to show her his photo. She agrees he’s cute. I go out for dinner with another friend who sees my glow of excitement of having met a man that I may like & could possible date seriously… He’s talked about seeing me again so I’m certain he will. Out for dinner, my friend wants to see what this guy looks like, maybe I’m talking him up too much… I click on the dating app & notice that he is 10000kms away… WTF?! My jaw must drop open because my friend gasps “What?” I can’t stop staring at the 10000kms away, at lunch it still said 4kms away! FUCK… I show my friend my phone & explain that he was 4kms away & now he’s 10000kms away. She googles ‘What is 10000kms from Adelaide?’ the number one answer is Dubai…. OH HOLY FUCK. This is next level. He’s gone back to the UK. Jesus fucking Christ… My friend tells me to calm down that maybe something happened, an emergency & he’s had to go home. I literally sit there laughing my head off… I am not so optimistic, I mean this is my life after all. As if there will be any other explanation besides he was here on a holiday & fucking lied his ass off… Jesus. I’m so stupid.

Later that night I check the app again & he’s now 16000kms away. I google & that is London. I literally burst out laughing at home alone… I look at my cat & say like the crazy cat lady that I am becoming “What the Actual Fuck Peppa!” She’s looking at me like a nutcase since I just burst out laughing while the whole house is silent – so much so she jumps. I literally cannot believe this is happening to me. I mean I thought that a guy ending things with via snapchat only a couple of weeks earlier would be the highlight of my dating life in 2019, here we are not even halfway though & I have a guy flying to another country to get away from me! Fucking hell… I know I’m hard to date, I mean clearly I am or I wouldn’t have a fucking blog, however, a guy travelling 16000kms just to get away from me, it’s just fucking hilarious!

I decide to send him a message, knowing that he is back in the UK, but I just send “Hey how’s your day been.” He sends back when I’m asleep later that night “Hello scrumptious, not bad, yours?” I have to laugh at the scrumptious comment, I just write back that I was in bed early & asked what he got up too. I don’t get a reply but I find out another interesting part to this story…

So get this…. When I tell J-Lo, he asks me to send him a picture of this guy, I ask him why because it’s not like J-Lo to just ask for a picture of a random dude… He says just send me one, which I do & he says that it’s not the guy he thought it was, it’s ok. Later in that day J-Lo messages me again & says on second thought he actually knows someone living 4kms from me in that suburb, who is sleeping in his spare room as he just broke up with his mrs & they’re selling the house so she was house sitting & he was away from work & had his friend staying with him from the UK. J-Lo also confirms that the Netflix name is his friends name… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… So my thoughts are confirmed, British is a liar! What are the fucking odds, J-Lo built the fence of the house I just fucked on the kitchen bench at… Hahaha… I ask J-Lo if he’s going to tell his friend & he says no because he’d then have to explain where he knows me from! What a fucking complicated life I lead…

So I send British a message, I know from what my friend says that I don’t have the full story, but I know in my gut that this guy has lied to me… J-Lo has confirmed what I already knew… There is too much weird stuff here, to keep justifying that he hasn’t. Noodle made me feel like a fool, I hate feeling foolish & right now I feel even more foolish!

“So I worked something out about you… Saturday night there were a few weird things about your story but I didn’t think too much into it…
First it was your name on Netflix, I just assumed people use fake names to protect their identity… No big deal
I didn’t think much of the white wine you talked about a lot & it not being in the fridge prior to my visit…
You sleeping in the spare room & telling me it was the master bedroom (knew that was a lie but didn’t think much of it)
The next day swapping to a chat app, but your UK number is still being used after being in Aust for 5 months?
At 12pm you were going to catch an Uber to my house after drinking the leftover wine… How drunk could you have been? Thought it a bit strange but could’ve been legit….
I also thought it was a bit weird you had so many sauces & spices being you’d only been here a short time (I saw while you were fingering me on the kitchen bench)

Telling my friend about you over dinner last night, I look at your dating profile to see that you’re 100009kms away… She googled & that’s Dubai… That’s when I realised you were lying to me… Fuck you lied alot!!

So I messaged you to see if you’d lie some more… Because this is next level for me…

So… I was telling my best guy friend about the lies & he says “I know a guy called (Insert Netflix fake name here) who’s sleeping in his spare room, show me his pic” I did & he said you’re not his friend. Phew.
This morning he tells me that he’s thought about it & the story matches his friend…
His friend called (Insert Netflix fake name here) has just broken up with his GF, but who is in the master bedroom while he sleeps in the spare room, but is away for work at the moment & she’s housesitting…

Also Adelaide is like a small country town… Everyone knows everyone..

I seriously can’t believe how many lies you told me… You do realise you could’ve been honest with me! Why would you talk about future times you’d see me if you’re never going see me again?!”

Fuck I feel like a fucking idiot right now! How did I not see this coming?!

Of course when he reads it he apologises & says that he didn’t want it to just be a weekend thing & he was already thinking of ways in which he could come back to see me (yeah right!). I ask if he was going to tell me & he says no. I ask what he would’ve said when I asked to see him again & he said he would’ve made some excuse. Fucking hell men are so lucky I’m not crazy, what if I went back to his house & found his friend there?! Like some people are just so stupid…

“I guess I have been caught out. I figured if I said I was going home, we maybe wouldn’t of never met. I apologise. It’s all shit & I got carried away. I’m not proud of that, but am still glad we have met.” Well I am fucking annoyed now, I get that he lied to get me to meet him, but he sat there & lied to my face as I asked question after question about his move here & him building his house – he answered every question without batting an eyelid. He even told me about how he catches the train & how long it takes, what road he works on & when we talked about foxtel, he even told me how much “he” pays for it… He offered up so much info, that it’s just fucking nuts how many lies he told to get fucked… I mean he could’ve said that he was going home to my face… I didn’t realise that when he said he was going for curry on Sunday night, he was going to be getting it on Emirates. Hahaha.

He says “I didn’t want to leave as it is & already thinking & plotting for when I come back. I am genuinely sorry. I was making it worse for myself in the end. I actually like you, I think we clicked & everything other than the bullshit was deadly true & I’m sure you believe at least one thing, I enjoyed our time together a lot xx” Fucking hell, why are men such smooth talkers…

I ask him if he ever comes back here or travel here for work, & what was real? “I don’t but I am seriously thinking about coming out again x. I love the way of life out there & I also felt like we did connect. Something unusual for me too. I really had a lot of fun making you cum #IBD4U. Sorry for all the bullshit” I ask him what was actually true, he tells me his name, age & sends me a link to a website where he is listed as a buyer in London on. His picture is up there with a profile, but I am not sure what I even believe now.

We continue to chat & he sends me voice messages with his sexy dripping British accent, fuck I hate it makes me melt… JERK! Hahaha. We messages for a few weeks, sending pictures & voice messages, He sends me the worst every dick picture I have ever seen, he’s sitting on the toilet with his cock poking into the toilet… LIKE DUDE!!!!

Because of the time difference, when I am in bed, he’s getting up & driving to work hard at things I send him, it’s kinda fun. He sends me pictures of him at a wedding & we just chat, mostly just turning each other on, 16000kms apart!

The chatting becomes more & more sporadic, but it did go on pretty regularly for a month or so & we eventually stop, I then seen he’s changed his profile picture to him & a chick, so assuming he’s got a girlfriend… Well that’s another one that gets a girlfriend straight after sort of dating me…

Why am I always the fluffer?!

#IBD4U

When the couple from the play party that I’ve been hanging out a bit with, invite my friend & I away for the June long weekend to the house they hire on Hindmarsh Island, I think why not – I’m skipping a head a bit here, we’ll go back to the rest of May! I have been though so much lately that I need some RnR. (Rest & Relaxation). This will be a good time to just chill out. However I have a work function & can’t go up on the Friday night, so I plan to go up on the Saturday afternoon. This was also not a good idea at the private play party, but this will be different, I know everyone going to be there.

I am unsure if the couple want to play with us or what they want out of this weekend, but I am going to enjoy myself & really have a good relaxing few wines with some cheese. I will deal with any advances if they happen. They haven’t hit me up again to have sex with them, so I don’t think that’s what this weekend is about, I am happy to just be friends with them.

Saturday morning, I message to say I’ll be on my way & I hear that there has been some drama on the Friday night… Oh FFS. As if I need more drama in my life.

My friend calls me to tell me that the couple are both seeing people & these 2 extras were both invited up also this weekend too. I knew about the guy but not the chick. Well apparently the chick went a bit nuts, including calling lifeline in the corner of the room. My friend ended up dropping her home but then she said he sexually harassed her & went even more nuts. He & his wife went to the police just to be safe & showed them the text messages. But neither had much sleep that night. The guy that was there with the couple – let’s call him Krav, I never got to meet as he had to go home to his daughter, no big deal right!?

So when the excitement of the previous night wears off, I end up showing the couple & my friend the toys I have brought along. They all wanted to try a bit of impact play & some candles. I had bought some UV candles from Rope & brought them along for everyone to have a play. We lay out the mat & I introduce them to some impact play with a few different instruments & the candles. It’s a good night & nothing really happens.

The next night we decide to go out for drinks & I have no idea what happens to be really honest, I know i tried to get them to stay but I get called a cow by my friend in the couple & I hand over the keys to my car for them to leave. I go home later with my other friend & her guy for the night but cannot sleep. I have no idea what I did to cause a kafuffle, nor do I want to cause drama with my friends. At like 6am, I am still wide awake that I start packing to go & I leave quietly by 7am. I have been messaging with some random all night but I just need to go home & sleep. I actually go home to a guy I’m yet to talk about… Hahaha… We’ll get there!

After the weekend, Krav starts messaging me a lot. I don’t think much of it, I never met the dude so there isn’t a lot for me to say to him. He tells me why he’s been so off lately that his daughter has been bullied so much & was pushed though a window, she is fine but he’s struggling with it as you would be… I am not sure why he’s telling me all this, but I just offer support & an ear should he need it. He tells me how much the couple like me etc & that he’s sorry that he missed meeting me.

He sees in the private chat group that I left Hindmarsh Island early, he asks me what is wrong & I just say that it was really windy (which it was) & that I wanted to go home. Later he tells me that he’s spoken to my friend & he found out what happened & that he’s sorry it happened. He messages me a lot about his run, sending me pictures & I try to ignore a few as I know that my friend in the couple is sort of with this guy, she is calling him her boyfriend so I am not comfortable with these messages with him to be honest.

He asks me when we are having a coffee & I say that I don’t drink coffee with a few hahah’s added, he replies “Oh really?? That’s what you took from that.. Fk imma smack you lol” What because I don’t like coffee? Or because I don’t want one with him? I tell him “hahaha, I don’t want to get in the middle of something you have with my friend… Not after the weekend I had. So yeah. Even coffee” He says “You won’t be. I’m my own person & don’t answer to anyone else. I’d have to explain it so you get it… But just so you know I’m not anyone’s property lol… We I am my own lol” He may not be her property but she likes him a lot & after being called a cow, I am not interested in pissing her off. I mean I am also not attracted to him either, so it’s not even worth the hassle. I say I don’t want to jeopardise anything with my friends & he says that I won’t be, he says they’re close & he only sees her once a week (which is a lot for a married woman & their boyfriend) I say again thanks for asking, but yeah am not interested “heheh well I aint letting you slip, I’ll bug you as much time as it takes… You’re a good person x so tuff titties, you’re stuck with me” OH FFS! I am firmer with I am not interested in you & he still says that I’m a good egg & he gets it.

Later with no reply from me, he sends “You really are a good friend… I’m glad you did what you did. Just know that I wouldn’t send anything that would knowing get me into trouble or that I want to hide. It was purely a genuine offer of friendship & still is. The girls would appreciate knowing.” I don’t even understand why he is messaging me this – what does it even mean. I am not going to meet him, I just am not sure how my friend would react, even if it is just for friendship with him. I am not interested.

A few days later without a reply to the last message I get “So much was said & done without me around or knowing, that I have cut off everything. That weekend was so bad. Made me see a lot of rumours & shit that I don’t want to be a part of. I’ve gone back to only being friends with the couple & everyone else. I’m just going to stay at arms reach I think. I sure hope you are doing ok.” What the actual fuck is he talking about?! I have no idea. I even say that & he just said that the rumour mill went crazy & he’s just being friends with them. I try not to engage because who the fuck cares. I don’t even know what he’s talking about so I just say I’m confused & try to leave it. I ignore his last message.

Then a couple of days later “#IBD4U, putting all the shit behind us & all the nice things I’ve heard about you. I would like to know.. would you be up for saying hello? I think like you I’ve had the rough end of the stick when it comes to meeting someone. We obviously have similar interests & all. I would like to know if you would like to meet & finally put a face to the name… I’d like to think that this might be the silver lining from all this shit?” OMG, is that his intention of cutting ties with her, to try to pursue me? FUCK… I hope not…

I tell him that I am not interested in meeting him, yet again, that my friendship means more to me than a dude off the chat app. He says that it’s ok, it’s over with her, however I know women & I know I wouldn’t like someone swooping in on a guy I just dated. Besides, I’m not ever remotely interested in this guy!!

He says hey to me a few days later & joins the chat group I’m in & he was deleted for not having a profile picture – I didn’t know it was him to be honest. I just delete people who don’t chat. He messages me “Removed from chat? You really do have the issues others said… Deadest. Not everyone who shows you attention wants to fuck you. I think someone needs to get over themselves pretty quick. You’re a horrible, lonely person.” OH MY FUCKING GOD! What? This guy has a massive screw loose. I did nothing to him but delete him for a chat room & I’m horrible? I don’t even know if it was me who deleted him either… Jesus. Again I have no idea what he is even talking about.

“Wow. Just wow. You joined the group & didn’t speak, besides the gif… In the group there is no pic on your profile for me, hence being deleted. I won’t apologise for having morals & not wanting to meet you for coffee, regardless of your intentions because you were dating my friend… My instincts were right about you. Thank you for showing your true colours.” & I send him a screenshot of the chat app to prove it.

“Nope. Actually the issue is all yours. It was a massive judgement of error going down that path, but you can cling to that friendship all you like… Both of them (the couple) had nothing but shit to say about you after that night & even the day after. But that’s cool. You believe all you want. Fairly sure it was a huge mistake as this “community” is either led by tits or a bunch of no hopers. So impressing them is like learning to play UNO, it’s really not that impressive at all. One day you’ll see that & actually see the worth in people being honest to you & not let it be darkened by a want to be on a pedestal… You’re better than that… I hope you see it one day soon.”

Can someone please explain?!

#IBD4U

This date with British is going well, I mean we’re on a second post & I’m still on the date! Hahaha… That’s so unlike me. I find myself relaxing, joking & really enjoying the weird topics we keep talking about. We have a couple of drinks & chat the night away really easily. As it gets later he talks again about the white wine he bought that tastes like blue cheese. I like blue cheese, I don’t eat it a lot but I always like a little one on a cheese platter.

He also brings up the “scrumptious” comment, which I say that I didn’t get, he says that he was calling me scrumptious & I say that makes no sense. As I go to check the chat to prove I’m right he says that if he’s right, I have to go home with him. I’m like & what if you’re wrong? He says that I can do what I want but I should go home with him anyway. Hahaha… He’s smooth. I know that I shouldn’t go home with him but I do like this guy, I want to have sex with him, so why not? We look at the chat & look to be very fair with you, I still can’t see how he thinks he is calling me scrumptious – anyway he seems to think that he’s won the bet & invites me back to his house for the blue cheese wine. He says he’s caught an uber so I drive us back to his house & it’s a pretty nice new house, one of those long skinny town houses, you know the ones with the main bedroom at the front of the house, a long hallway with 2 bedrooms & a bathroom off the hall then leading into an open concept kitchen & living space. He gets us a wine, but oddly the white wine he’s being banging on about all fucking day in chat & at drinks, is not even bloody cold. Ok that’s a little weird. But I ignore it – maybe a red flag I should’ve noticed perhaps, he gives me a red wine while the white chills in the fridge. He puts on the TV & starts scrolling through his Netflix, well, weirdly it says another dudes name. Ok so he’s lying about what his name really is?! I don’t question it, maybe he has a roommate? I don’t know but I should ask, however I don’t. I lie about my name all the time, I lie about my job, with this guy I haven’t but I guess I’m at his house so he does trust me a little, however is this a red flag I’m also ignoring?! My gut isn’t telling there’s something up, I always trust my gut. Shoo red flags.

We watch a movie, actually watching the movie. I forget what it is now, but it was a movie he hadn’t seen before, that I have. We sit drinking red wine, then he offers me the white wine, surprisingly it tasted ok, but it did taste exactly like blue cheese. So weird…

When we start kissing & head into the bedroom, we go into the room closet to the lounge room, generally the room that would be the 3rd or 4th spare room, with a mattress on the floor, I ask him if this is the main bedroom & he says yes, again red flags are still in full swing, yet I get into bed with this dude… Still with that glimmer of hope that this guy is going to be the guy that takes me off the singles market!

We don’t actually have sex as he doesn’t have any condoms & I didn’t bring any being I didn’t expect to be fucking the guy, however, we do everything else. We fall asleep then wake up through the night for some more play, makes me cum so many times with his fingers or mouth & then we fall back asleep. He knows I am a little kinky as I put a rope photo on my profile, at dinner & after the movie we did talk about kink a little. He is very good at pinning me down, something I love, something I think most women love, a manly pin of your hands above your head…. Hmmmm.

He doesn’t even cum at all though the night, even though I do my best blow job moves for him… Doesn’t work on every guy but most seem to cum within seconds. British tries again to fuck me without a condom (as a typical guy does) but I say no. He spoons me in all through the night, which I like because I haven’t had that in a long time, but I also cannot sleep because I am sweating & being suffocated.

The next morning, I wake up realising I have to be at brunch soon, so I leave him in bed at leave the house, not really specifying with each other if we’ll talk again or what – but I hope he does message me. But maybe it was a mistake to fool around with him so soon if I like him but who cares, when I like someone, I do what I want.

Anyway I go to brunch a little hungover & looking dishevelled, but to my surprise, I get a message on the dating app from British at 12:00pm saying “Hope you made it in time for breakfast x. I enjoyed making your pussy cum x.” Hmmmm, yes so did I… I tell him that I lied to him about not having another chat app to talk to him on & he asks for my number to find me. He tells me I don’t have to make it up to him that he didn’t cum because he made himself cum thinking of me. Awwww, so sweet! Hahaha.

When he adds me on the other app, I notice that it’s his British number. Surely after being in Australia for 6 months, he would have upgraded to a Australian mobile number? Red Flag? Or just how this app works? Of maybe he has it still for his family?

He says that my head job & stroking skills are amazing & asks if I can fit him in before 5pm today? OMG, I just left this guy… I felt a bit of chemistry with him & I am feeling a bit of a draw to him, that I say yes, I ask him to come to my place or if he wants me to go to his, he says that he just drank the rest of the cheese wine & so he’ll uber over… Really? He is day drinking alone with no purpose? Red Flag. I just suggest that I will go to him instead. I don’t mind.

We arrange for 1:30pm once we’ve had showers & I tell him that I will bring condoms. I also ask him about his name & he tells me that it’s the same as what I saw on his Netflix account. He distracts me by asking me not to wear panties, but I suggest lingerie, asking his favourite colour, which is red, not a surprise & I put on some sexy lingerie for him under my denim dress. He sends me a picture of a belt & a long USB cord & asks me if he has any use for it. Noodle was the first & only guy to improvise & use a USB cord to tie me up & it was hot as fuck that I allow it. He tells me to hurry up & get there, as we’re sending naughty pictures. I look at the time & realise I should leave, so I jump in the car & head to his house. I am wet & excited the whole way there.

I walk in & walk to the back of his house, with him following, immediately he grabs me & kisses me, my dress has snap buttons all the way down the front & he knows he can easily rip this dress off, which he does.

Before I know what is going on, I am up on the freezing cold stone kitchen bench being pushed down to lay flat on my back & legs spread where British settles between them to make me cum. Fuck he is good at that! I don’t know why I notice his pantry, there is a lot of stuff in there, like so many sauces… I don’t know why I found it weird looking back but he’d only been here 6 months & had so many bottles of sauce it was ridiculous. Or is this another red flag? Fuck, who cares, I am cumming again!!!!!

Once I’ve cum – twice, he moves us over to the couch where I suck his cock & he enjoys it – of course, I am very good at it. Hahaha. He then decides to tie me up with the belt & USB cord… He struggles a bit & it takes a while, he asks if he can take a picture, which I agree too & tell him he has to send it to me.

A couple of hours go by & then I’m home again, thinking about this afternoon. He fucked me over the kitchen bench too, cold stone against my tits while be pounded from behind then he came hard too. He messages me when I get home too, OMG… Does this guy like me? Or does he just like that I’m so fucking easy? Hahhaha.

We talk some kink & I show him my draw of toys & he says “Yes I definitely think I should come to you next time. It’s good that we’re local too.” I agree & am actually excited about this guy!! He says he wants me again but he’s going to be late, he’s hard again & wants to cum thinking about me, we get onto the topis of three sums, I’m still wanting that fantasy of 2 guys, he says he’ll be up for that if I do it with a woman & him. Of course that’s the usual condition for most men, I can do that!

I really am enjoying this guy. I didn’t think it was possible after Noodle & Noddy, but wow, I am actually enjoying the banter, the sex, the way this guy looks! Fuck me, I don’t want to oversell it here being I only met him yesterday, but he is ticking a lot of boxes.

#IBD4U

I match with a guy online a week after things end with Noddy, we’re chatting about what we’re doing tonight, I say that I am going to have a bath. But when he suggests that we meet for a drink, I think I don’t want to be home alone again while Noddy is off doing whatever the fuck he’s doing with the snapchat girl.

I am cautious of British, he looks a lot like Noodle that it’s kinda scary! His pictures are cute, but not usually the type of guy I go for, however I guess I have a type if he looks like Noodle! I never thought I did have a type. Dark brown hair, full trimmed beard, 6 foot tall, almost the same build as Noodle too but OMG, he turns out to be British! That’s OMG, I can’t even cope!

He talks about how his day got rained out of ab sailing & he’s had a rare lazy day around the house. I tell him that I am going to have a bath & a long soak after the gym this morning when he asks what I’m going to do afterwards. Because he so cute & british, I already start thinking that I want to meet this guy tonight, so I shouldn’t have a bath, but shower instead, wash my hair & maybe see this guy. He asks what suburb I’m in being that we’re only 4 kms apart – we’re close to each other. He says that he’s either going to head out for a few beers or stay home & cook something – I suggest steak, being he’s a foodie. We talk about my rope pictures that I have up, he doesn’t understand what I mean when I say about riggers & bunnies. Saying that he doesn’t understand my aussie linigo so I ask if he’s not Australian – not remembering his British flag on his profile like an idiot “No I’m from London, moved here about 6 months ago” LIKE really?! Finally, a guy, sent from the cute gods above & he’s also British… I hate that I start planning our wedding! (Hahaha – not really but you know what I mean)

I ask him what made him pick Adelaide, having been born here myself but also having extensively travelled & lived overseas, I am always intrigued about why people pick Adelaide to put down their roots “My mate lives in Sydney but he recommended Adelaide & after visiting Melbourne, Sydney & Adelaide. I felt more at home here” Well I agree with that, I say that’s its small but awesome, I’ve lived elsewhere but I love it here. He asks me if I have another chat app whats app but even though I do, I say no – I don’t want to give him another app if he’s a dickhead in the end. I don’t like to talk to them on other apps until I meet them… He says “Not to worry, thought it may be easier to talk on there. And maybe arrange a little drink later on. To discuss countries, bunnies, riggers & steak.” I laugh. Fuck… He’s making me laugh! We start talking about cheese too, my other favourite food – his too. He asks if I’d like to have share some cheese & wine later & I agree saying we can meet later, I suggest a place close by that’s a pretty nice steak house & we say we’ll meet at 7:00 pm. I google the place & see they have a share platter but that’s the only cheese they have. He says “done!” I tell him that will be my dinner because I haven’t been eating much with some stress lately (Why the fuck do I tell him that?!) he asks what I’m stressed about & that I can talk to him, but tell him that “Work is nuts & some personal stuff. I’ll be fine, just how my weird body reacts. You’d think I’d be skinny as fuck, but nope!” He says “Luckily for you I can’t stand skinny as fuck!” He asks if I like octopus & I say no, so he says he’ll ask for more haloumi instead of it – obviously he’s looked up the platter too – TOO CUTE… I tell him he can ask for that, I am thankful he wants to do that, but I hate doing stuff like that! He also tells me about a bottle of wine he has that has blue cheese undertones in it, I think to myself that sounds gross when he says “I know it sounds disgusting, but wait till you try it.” Oh really!?

He asks what I do for work & I actually surprise myself by telling him the real job title, I usually lie until I meet them… He tells me that he is a buyer for a company that does refurbishments. I wonder what the hell that is, so I say it sounds interesting. He says “Yeah have more to tell you about my time in London doing it as I was for 12 years… Only just joined this company… You sound interesting, I like that” so I say “I guess that’s obvious being you just moved here.” & he replies “Very true there scrumptious” WTF? & then asks me “Will you be wearing your mini mouse outfit tonight” I tell him I have no idea what he is talking about with the scrumptious comment, assuming he’s chatting to someone else & I also have no idea about the Minnie Mouse outfit either so I just say jeans or a skirt. He picks skirt… Well of course! He tells me that scrumptious means tasty, I literally laugh out loud, I know what the fucking word means, I just have no idea what he is saying it for & ask the context. He says “There was no context, a compliment should be used whenever felt needed” I think I have no fucking idea what he’s talking about, so I just I say I will get ready & see him at 7:00 pm.

I screenshot his profile to remind myself what he said on there too…

“33 British foodie to the extreme, who wants to be cooked for? 6FT , hardworking, laid back, genuine, fun man. Likes: Laughing / Steak McCoys / Bulldogs / Positivity / Rugby. Dislikes: People who talk right close to your face / Arrogance / Front of cashpoint queue ditherers / negativity.”

Ok so it’s not my usual style to post someone’s online profile or describe how good they look in such detail, but there you go – first time for everything…. He also has a profile anthem of Superstylin’ by Groove Armada… Old tune, but always a top track! But all of this is building this guy up a bit for me… I do this all the time… It’s so annoying!

I arrive & find a park, looking hotter than I should for this place, a short, forever new grey winter skirt with black tights, black high ankle boots, a low cut cross over black top & my usual puffer jacket. I washed my hair & was careful with some plum eye shadow. I must say I look good, but this guy could be a winner… So I want to make a good impression. After what I’ve been though, being broken up via snapchat, I need this to work out!

As I get out the car, I see a dude sitting outside by himself & assume that’s him, I walk up & realise it is, he’s got a drink already, we hug hello & he’s actually even cuter in real life than his pictures… I know I say this a lot & I was only just saying to friends after showing them my new (& what I think is pretty honest) profile, that I’m scared I’m the opposite for men, that my pictures are awesome but that I don’t look as good in real life. (Where did that self-esteem go that I just had while describing myself?! HMMMM?!) My friends told me to shut up, but of course my friends are going to say I look good…

We go inside & I order a drink, he tries to pay for it, but I get it… He tells me that he called ahead to find out if we needed a booking I say “OMG that’s so cute” under my breath, like that’s adorable… I ask about the platter, but he doesn’t order it. He asks where we should sit & suggests outside, I think I’m going to freeze but decide to brave the May weather in Adelaide, to sit outside in a quieter area that’s not just a dinner table. We sit outside chatting over the first drink & it’s fairly easy, we talk about our families, how he left all of his behind in the UK, that none of them would probably visit him out here unless he paid for them, he tells me that he built his house here from the UK before he got here which was difficult being that he was so far away. He told me that he’s working for a company similar to what he did back home. He tells me about some travel to other cities, such as Tasmania & Sydney also mentioning Melbourne. We talk about weird topics like veganism, which neither of us are close to eating even vegetarian, so not sure why we talk about it… He goes to get us another drink & orders the platter we discussed. It’s a pretty nice evening. The conversation isn’t hard but we do talk about weird stuff. We talk about steak tarte how they are traditionally served with a egg yolk. How weird are these topics!

The platter arrives, we start eating & we talk easily. I have barely been eating since the Noddy debacle, so I end up eating quite bit for the first time in a week… This is what happens with me when I’m hurt… I realise now that I liked Noody at a lot more than I thought I did.

This guy puts me at ease though & he did ask if I was one of those chicks that didn’t eat. I’m like dude, I eat, but right now I’m not eating a lot. But I do eat a bit because I am definitely not the type not to eat & my appetite is back.

I ask a lot about why he moved from London to Adelaide. I am always intrigued about why a person chooses little ol Adelaide to live, mainly because I was born here, I mean it’s a small country town really. Why would someone choose here over living in London? He says that he just liked it here the best & hated Melbourne. Tells me that he found a similar job to what he was doing back home, so he just stayed here.

OMG, could my dream of ending up with a British guy actually comes true!?

#IBD4U

I don’t expect to hear from Noddy, he reads my message instantly & I will never know if he reads the diary I sent him via email… I guess the sad thing about this all, is that while I was upset he bailed, I got the reason why he did, however the way he treated me after he bailed is the problem. Not writing back to me then posting snapchats cuddling someone else…

One of my friends asked me why he couldn’t see me at all since helping this chick, I ask myself that same question… He can make time for her, but he could leave her for a few hours & see me. Surely she knew about me & would be ok with that…

After I send him the message & my diary, Demon & Snapchat girl chat in the group, Demon says they’re having pizza for dinner but snapchat girl says “Not yet Demon, we haven’t even left the park we’re here catching Pokémon’s lol” Seriously!?

Noddy hasn’t chatted in the group since he bailed on me last week, but could the snapchat girl rub it in my face anymore? I’m sure she knows about me, surely?! Why hasn’t Noddy asked her to stop, to have a bit of respect for me? Clearly he doesn’t have any respect for me, or he wouldn’t have been sending the snpachats, just like Noodle didn’t ask his partner to respect me, but always asked me to respect her… Why am I so easy to disrespect?

I have also realised that my body is a little crazy when I am stressed or broken hearted… My mouth is so dry, my heart has palpitations, I can’t eat at all, I don’t sleep much… This is only the third time that this has happened… It happened with Boyfriend, it was worse with Noodle, now it’s happening with Noddy… Though this time I’m not sure if it’s because of feelings I had or the fact he’s rubbing it in my face that he has someone else? Did I have feelings for this guy?

After a week of not hearing from him, I actually realise that yeah I had some sort of feelings for him, I won’t deny that, but it was the rubbing it in my face over the chat app or snapchat that makes me go crazy.

He replies…

“Hey, look I’m sorry its taken me a while to reply. I had a lot to read.

I really am sorry.. I overreacted. I had a lot going on… I didn’t mean for any of what happened to hurt you in the slightest… Yeah it probably was a copout… And it isn’t up to me if I am good for you or not.

I promise you now… Everything I said I really did mean… You are an amazing person who deserves the world. And I am just too much of a soft heart that I help too many people to the point where I run myself into the ground to distract myself from life in general. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by men like you did…

My words are a curse… I speak way too much of what’s in my mind instead of having walls up like you did. & I’m fucking sorry that I spoke so much that I softened those walls & you let me in.

I don’t expect forgiveness…

I don’t expect a reply.

I just want you to know that I really apologise for everything that I have done.

I won’t try & justify any of my actions. I betrayed you & your trust.

Noddy”

Well again, yeah I know he has a way with words, but I don’t even know what to say to that! I start drafting what I want to say, I write big long messages but delete them all… I don’t want to keep messaging him. I realise I don’t want him as my partner – we probably never would’ve worked but he would’ve been fun for a bit longer. One good thing is the snapchat girl left my group at least. I hated seeing her in there, maybe what I wrote about her was true?!

I mean he says he has a big heart, but he only seems to have that for everyone else… He’s told me I am not a priority & there are too many red flags for him but we can at least salvage a friendship here, especially since he still hasn’t’ left my group, he came to switch & wanted to get involved in rope more. Hopefully we can be friends; I do really like him & got along well with him.

“TBH I have drafted a hundred different messages in reply. But fuck. This is hard.

Thank you for actually reading my email, I know it was long & I’ve never sent a guy my unedited thoughts before. I regretted it 1000 times.

I have a lot to say, but I’m not going to text endlessly. The way I see it, if you’re truly sorry, you’ll put in the effort & see me. If you aren’t, you won’t. Simple”

He reads it almost instantly & never replies… Well I guess he didn’t mean everything he said to me! Hahaha… Fucking hell some men are god damn liars… He said he wanted to be friends, well that will never happen now. I hope I never see him at an event ever again, I don’t know what I would say to him, even if I did… Probably just that, why would you still spin me bullshit after saying everything was true but then not actually wanting to be my friend?

Or fuck it, I’ll just say hey, be polite, & move on from him…

So the snapchat girl re-joins my group, yaye… (Insert eye roll here) So happy about that! But Noddy gets deleted by the bot I installed to delete non talkers.

It’s Switch, I’m excited to be going, I am going alone though, Noddy & I had planned to go together again, so clearly that’s not happening. I hope to god that he doesn’t go… Surely he wouldn’t. Demon has said that she won’t be there, but her brother & girlfriend will be there & has asked Ripples to tie her again. I am meeting my friends there, they are doing the show so I don’t want to miss is, but I am scared to go alone.

I spend ages getting ready, it’s a masquerade event, so I have stuck diamante stickers all over my face for my mask & I’m wearing a French Connection sequined playsuit. With black knee high boots. I look fucking amazing! I am feeling so good, my hair has fallen the right way. I look sensational… & I going alone!

I walk in & upstairs to find people I know & because I am alone, I am walking fast to get to find people I know, not wanting to be by myself. As I walk though the door, FUCK…. Noddy! I am not 100% sure it’s him because he’s wearing a grey suit & a mask but I am pretty sure it’s him, however, I am on a mission & don’t really notice him, just walk past, I go to the bar, get a drink & find my friends… I have just found out on the way to Switch that a friend is going to be there too having just broken up with her husband, Holden for an online relationship. I wonder if she’s been seeing Noddy?

There’s a chick at Switch, standing only metres from where we are & she keeps looking over at me, I don’t know who she is, but I figure that she keeps looking because I look so cute tonight! Hahaha… I don’t think I recognise her because her hair is quite short & blonde, she’s about the same size as me, so it can’t be the snapchat girl, she had brown hair that was a tiny bit longer than mine, from memory & she looked quite skinny… BUT… Later on the next day, the snapchat chick posts a photo of herself last night at her first switch (which she has SO much fun at – insert second eye roll here) & I realise it’s the chick that kept looking at me! FUCKING HELL!!! Is Noddy an actual idiot? Why did he come to Switch after ignoring me like an asshole, this is my thing, my event..? He never does anything but stand outside & smoke anyway – go to any nightclub & do that… I ask Doddy (Noddys man crush) if Noddy talked to him & he says no, but he wasn’t sure if it was him or not… At least Noddy is staying away from my friends… I go off to get roped up & candle wax but also watch my friends do the floor show. Hoping I don’t see him again, which I don’t really.

However someone I knew didn’t like me very much from the Private play party yells at me before they go on stage to do their rope show because Ripples tied me & used candle wax… I didn’t realise it was an exclusive thing that you shouldn’t do what the floor show was, I mean if anyone should follow that protocol, it’s Ripples, right? Everyone still gathered around for the floor show, so I didn’t see a problem. I don’t know the unwritten rules of switch. However it’s just another reason for those people to act weird around me & other friends start shutting me out after that happens. I leave Switch shortly after midnight, having felt so great about how I looked to feeling so fucking alone, I actually can feel myself breaking.

I can’t believe Noddy kept walking behind me & my group of friends, brought that chick (who remember has just fled a domestic violent relationship & is now at a kink event! As if the spanking & torture wouldn’t be a trigger?!) & he didn’t even act like an adult & talk to me… I know I walked past him once but I wasn’t expecting to see him the second I got there… I don’t fucking believe this is what happens in my life, it’s actually hilarious! Who gets broken up with via snapchat? Yep, #IBD4U does….! That’s just fucking gold!

To give you an update, Noddy got kicked out of the chat group & Snapchat girl leaves too which makes me happy, however I would have left them there & just went on my merry way, fuck them! A few weeks after it’s all blown over, I’m just saying how I’m out north for work & Demon says she’s at the same shops as me, so we meet for a coffee. She talks a lot about Noddy & the Snapchat girl who is now living with her. So she clarifies a few of the suspicious things that I knew weren’t right. So Snapchat girl is apparently mentally disabled, has had her 3 year old son taken off her & was living with her parents, who were violent, not a partner. Demon tells me that Noddy has done exactly what he did to me to her, well that’s not a surprise, which is why she’s now living with Demon. Well at least that is clearer for me, but I still walk away from this… Or, I guess let him walk away.

Noddy is now in a relationship with a chick, he looks really happy & I wish him well with that relationship. He was a good guy there for a while & he was good for me. I am just sad that I was used yet again by another guy to find the one he is going to be with… I never see him at Switch again, I haven’t been going but I don’t see him at the ones I go to. Nor do I ever hear from him again.

#IBD4U

I activate a dating app while away for work – purely for a hook up, now that I have been broken up with via snapchat by Noddy, & now I know it’s over with him. I mean who gets broken up with via snapchat? FFS… I don’t think I can get over this disrespect… How embarrassing… That’s seriously next level for a way to stop seeing someone… Most men just ghost! I want to keep seeing him but I have to make a decision here… He’s not the right one for me… A guy that really liked me would never do that to me!

I chat to some guys online & every guy lives about an hour from where I am staying – or further… Fucking country!! Redhill & I match, He’s cute & 29 (Not another fucking young guy!) we chat a little, me telling him that I am only in Port Pirie for a couple of nights, essentially letting him know without saying this will be a one night thing… He says that he’d come to Port Pirie tonight but it is a 40 minute drive & it is getting late. Probably for the best. I have a spa in my room & I had been in it for 2.5 hours, just swiping on the dating app, feeling sorry for myself over Noddy…

However Redhill asks how much luck I’ve had on the app so far in Pirie, He asks the stupid question I hate about what I’m looking for. But this time it’s ok, because I am just looking fora one night thing. I say that ultimately one day I want a relationship but probably not going to find it on here. He agrees. I suggest that we meet for a drink tomorrow night somewhere in Pirie. He says yes & suggest a few places. I have no idea where anything is, so I google a couple of places & decide on the one that isn’t café primo & looks a little nicer. We talk a little about what we do for work, I actually tell him my real job title, thinking this guy isn’t too bad – which is unusual for me. I don’t really understand his job title of an Agronomist. So we talk about that for a bit.. I tell him how much I am over travelling for work, it’s been 5 years & I am done, “Like everything suffers, my friendships, my gym, my eating… etc” I don’t tell him that also my relationships with men suffer! Noodle & Noddy are the major cases of that! However I have just been told – not asked but told that I’m changing teams, which is not entirely what I wanted, but I think it’ll be good for me to do something different. It’s late so we stop talking, I try to sleep, but with everything going on & the shitty hotel bed, I barely get any!

The next day of course I refuse to talk to Redhill first, being I was the last one to write to him but at 3:45 pm he finally messages & asks if we’re still on for drinks. I say yeah & ask what time. He says 6:30 pm but he doesn’t finish till 5:30 pm, it’s a 40 minute drive so I ask if that’s enough time so he laughs & suggest 7:00 pm. I tell him that I didn’t bring a date outfit so I’ll be fairly casual, he says that’s ok, he offers to pick me up, which I think yeah maybe but then realise this guy could be a weirdo & I’m in a small country town alone… Not a good idea! So I drive myself.

We meet at the café/bar whatever it is. It’s fucking fancy, I am not dressed for this place. It’s also tiny with about 10 tables in basically a hotel foyer… I am there first & ask if there is another bar to sit at, thinking this restaurant is too fancy for what I’m wearing. The maître de says that this is it or we can sit at the bar, I am being sat at a table when he walks in, he looks just as casual as I do, so I relax a bit, We hug hello & we sit down. Being that it’s so fancy, I think there will be table service, but they don’t seem that attentive. Redhill gets up to order my $13 wine! FUCK… So expensive! Hahaha.

We talk quite easily, well I talk a lot, he doesn’t seem to talk or make much eye contact, so I dribble on about all sorts of bullshit. I am remembering the date with Tom Cruise, where he said I was boring, so I try to ask Redhill some questions. He offers me another drink so I guess he’s not having a bad time, wouldn’t he want to leave?! We have another drink & they start turning off the lights & packing up, the other 2 couples in the place leave, there’s a big group still kicking on, but I don’t want to be the last ones there. It’s only 9:30 pm, I assume he’ll kiss me out the front & then I’ll be able to invite him back to my hotel room… Even if he’s not that in to me, wouldn’t he want to fuck me, I mean how many matches would this guy get out here in the small country town?

He hugs me goodbye, kind of awkwardly & says see ya… OK that’s weird?! Maybe he really wasn’t that in to me… I drive back to the hotel thinking how shit that was, He seriously can’t be that spoilt for choice to not want to fuck me, knowing it’s just a one night thing… I have Dom in my head, he’s telling me to message him to come to the hotel… So I write “You didn’t seem keen, so I couldn’t ask at the bar, but thought I would just ask anyway if you want to come back to my hotel room… You can ignore if you don’t want too.” I don’t wait long for a reply “Yeah I’m keen. I can come for a little while. What room are you in?” I tell him what room because he knows the hotel already from yesterdays chat, he says he’ll be there in a minute & I go searching for a condom, which I don’t fucking have! FUCK! I message him to say that, hoping that he has one & he doesn’t reply to the message but knocks on my door.

I invite him in & ask if he got my last message, he says he did & pulls out a condom, they’re the latex free ones I use & I smile, he doesn’t know I am allergic, I don’t often have that conversation with random dudes, one condom doesn’t usually cause a problem anyway but just kind of cute that he has those ones. I usually supply them, I thought I had one my travel kit, but I must’ve taken it out.

We kiss & he pulls me really close & really tight, I actually like it. He’s the well built type that is solid, we kiss for a bit while taking his shirt off, he then takes mine off & pushes me back on the bed, pulling me in tight again to him, I quite like that… He kisses me more & slides his hand behind my back undoing my bra so easily that I say “Smooth” he laughs & says it was just luck – I like a guy who can have banter when having sex. We kiss some more, getting naked, he goes down on me after sucking on my nipples, he tries really hard to get me to cum but I just don’t think I am going to get there, so I pull him up & he slides on the condom before sliding into me. I feel a bit dry but it’s ok, he kisses me some more. He fucks me & I don’t cum with him, but he does. Once he’s done, he stays inside me for a long time, just chatting, I think it’s a a bit weird – maybe a bit initiate, why would he stay in me & on top of me to chat?! Most guys roll off right away. Noodle used to stay in me a little after but never this long.

I ask him how far he got out of town when he got my message. He said that he was just about to message me the same thing when he got mine. Oh, really?! I wonder if he was sitting outside of the hotel?! I kind of push him off me, he lays down on the bed next to me & continues to chat. He then says he has to go, he does have a 40 minute country drive at like 10:30 pm… We say goodbye at the hotel room door & I say to give me a message if he’s ever in Adelaide. I’m not really sure since the sex wasn’t that good. I keep him on my profile until I delete the app a few months later.

#IBD4U

I wait a full day & a half for Noddy to have a clear head to message me… I am definitely not going to write to him now, I chat in the group as usual, I used to stop chatting when things weird with us, I even did that with Noodle, but fuck Noddy, I am not stopping something I enjoy! Shark told me that back with Noodle, I will take that advice now!

“I really don’t know how to say this in general but I’ll do my best in not trying to hurt you at all here…

I understand we had plans to stuff Saturday night, and I’m sorry that yeah you did get dropped in my priorities because I felt I had a bigger obligation to help a friend out in a shit situation instead of going out & leaving her alone in her mess…

& I understand your disappointment… But it’s who I am for my friends. I will always be there for them.

I’ve had so much going on you wouldn’t believe…

A friend commit suicide. Mother leave her husband… & I’m being there for them all.

So much so that I haven’t been home in days.

& I don’t know if we should keep doing this because all I do is disappoint you when I bail, & obviously it hurts but it’s just who I am. Maybe I am not good for you at all.”

Ok that’s not what I was expecting… Lets break it down, Yes I told him I was disappointed about him bailing but I also explained that I understand what he’s doing for her (If I believe her story) because I’ve done it several times & I said that I understood that he had to be there for her – I was never upset about him being there for her… But I obviously show that I was disappointed, because I was, I don’t want him to think I don’t care because I do want to see him…

But he hasn’t even talked to me, he’s ignored me for day… I mean yeah bail because you have something more important to attend to, be there for your friend, I understand that, I even said to him that I would do the same but for him to read my messages & not reply at all, then post cuddling snapchats with another chick in your bedroom & then say that you’ve not been home… Something is fishy here…

He’s also basically saying in that message that I will always be his second priority… I’ve been going through some shit this last week too & could’ve used his friendship, not him ghosting me… I thought he said a few days ago that he would be there for me if I needed him? Well this week has been fucked, my boss is micromanaging me to the point I cried, Max is also contacting me for fuck knows what reason & one of my best friends mum just died a couple of weeks after she had her baby. So yeah, I know what it’s like to need someone… But Noddy doesn’t even know any of this, he hasn’t even messaged me to see how I am… Ok, I know I sound selfish, but I matter too… Don’t I? I get he’s got a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean he can’t just message me. I messaged to see how he was, he didn’t even read it…

Another thing, I know nothing about ‘mother leaving her husband’, not sure what that means, his mother leaving his dad that he works for? Or a friends mother? What does he mean with that? I will probably never know…

As for saying he hasn’t been home in days, I call bullshit on that, he fucking posted a snapchat 2 nights ago in his bed (I know his quilt cover) with another chick, shirtless & cuddling like he did with me, so don’t pull that bullshit on me! He’s also posted snaps cuddling her the next night at his house, so what a fucking load of crap. I know that he’s probably saying it like a metaphor, but this still doesn’t stop him from sending me a quick message! Does it?

Saying that he doesn’t know if we should keep doing this is basically his way of trying to break up with me (If that’s even what’s he’s trying to do here) but making me do it… Why the fuck in the world do I not want too? Why do I want to reply & try to work on this….? Can we take a break & see what happens when things settle down for both of us? Should I just walk away from this, knowing we want different things? What the fuck Am I thinking here?

I don’t know what to write back, I know I don’t really want to have a text war, I mean it was shit that I only got emails with Noodle when we ended & that killed me… I want to see him but I’m afraid to see him… I’m afraid that he’ll say he doesn’t want to see me to sort it out, which I guess then is my answer…

I wake up the next morning really early again, fuck I hate not being able to sleep because he’s on my mind! I don’t know if I want to see him anymore… I draft him a message as I head to the dr’s… thinking this was the day I was going to ask him to have an STI check so we could stop using condoms…

“Thanks for your message.

Last night when I got it, all I wanted to do was meet up with you, to discuss this like adults & work on it because I really like you – a lot more than I ever thought I could…

But re reading it, I think it’s a bit of a cop out. The way I see it, it’s not up to you to decide if you’re good for me or not, that’s my decision. Your decision is if you want to make the effort with me or not…

I never said to you that you shouldn’t be there for your friends & not bail on me, I would be there for my friends too. So I don’t know where that is coming from. The problem is how you’ve acted since you bailed!!

I told you that I would drop everything if my best friend ever needed me, so I completely understand what you need to do with a DV survivor, more than you realise…

I get you’ve got a lot going on, I didn’t expect you to see me, but a reply to my message considering you say you like me so much, wouldn’t go astray! Just a little reassurance that I mean something to you.

However I’m not sure what to believe with you anymore… You’ve been clearly trying to send me a subtle message with your cuddly snapchats, knowing I would see them & it would hurt me…

That is so disrespectful & even though we’re not exclusive, you that knowing I would see it. That was premeditated to hurt me… I never thought you were that type of person. I honestly thought you were more mature than that… Everyone has been telling me what a good guy you are & I should give you a chance, but really Noddy, you didn’t need to snapchat those moments at all.

& now she’s on the chat app & in my group… Could you rub it in my face anymore? I won’t delete any of you because I do like Demon, but any sign of drama or disrespect & you’re all out.

I’m so fucking stupid for falling for your smooth lines – so many lines… that song you wrote… you acting like you like me… giving me your jumper… everything you did… I feel like a fucking fool..”

I actually wonder now, how much of it was real? I wonder if any of it was real? I also decide that after I send that message that I am going to send him this blog via email for him to read my side… Read it & understand why I have acted like I did… This was not an isolated event, Noddy has been bailing for weeks on every date we’ve made just about… I am pissed that all he’s taken from my messages is that I am annoyed he bailed… I don’t deny that I am upset he bailed – that wasn’t a deal breaker, but I am more upset about how he’s acted since he bailed… Not messaging me & sending sexy snapchats of someone else – regardless of if they are friends or lovers… He’s really fucked up by doing that… This was salvageable with a conversation with me about how pissed he is that I made him feel like shit when he bailed… But instead of talking to me about it, he chooses to send snapchats…

I hope that one day Noddy & I can be friends… I really liked him… I enjoyed spending time with him… But I can’t get the images out of my head of how cosy he is with her… I was always jealous of Demon, so I am not sure I can be the bigger person here over this chick when he is acting not interested in me anymore. I hope that he has the courage to read this & reply to me, but I’m not certain he will…

I guess like Noodle & I, the timing just isn’t right! I guess a silver lining, is that I’ve lost 4kgs in a week from not eating again! Hahaha… Yeah… Not funny!

Fuck I’m sad that chapter is over…

#IBD4U

I decide to message Noddy on the Tuesday morning before I go away for work again, because I guess if I was dealing with my friend, I would appreciate a message from him to say that he’s thinking of me but knows I’m going through a hard time. So I bite the bullet & decide to actually message him first – even though we didn’t talk at all yesterday. “Hey Spark Plug, I have been trying to give you space since you’ve got a lot going on but just want to say hey & make sure you’re doing ok & things with your friend are better. I’m here to talk if you need me.” The whole day goes by & Noddy never looks at the message. Because things at work are fucking tense, I’m being micromanaged & my boss yelled at me this morning on the way to work, so much so that I had to tell him I would hang up if he kept going. I then actually cry on my long drive to the country when I keep getting messages from Max & not from Noddy… Maybe I like this guy more than I expected. Fuck… I let my fucking guard down too much! JESUS…

I don’t hear from him, he doesn’t read the message at all… I am not sleeping well because of this nor have I eaten, the ironic thing about that is that this is how I acted when Noodle & I ended… Could my feelings be more than I realise for this guy? If I can’t eat or sleep because he’s not messaging me? Am I falling for him?

I check my snapchat, usually I only look when someone sends me one, then I look at the stories but I’m bored & in a shitty hotel in the sticks over thinking, wondering what the fuck has happened with Noddy, when I see he’s posted something to his story, (Lets be honest, I don’t really understand snapchat! Hahaha.) However, it’s a picture of him in bed, laying down with his shirt off cuddling a chick. I obviously don’t know who the chick is, is it his ex-girlfriend or is it the “friend” he’s helping with the domestic violence situation? My gut drops, my heart starts pounding, I am losing my cool, is this a panic attack? I feel like I am going to vomit. I don’t know what to do. My first instinct is to just delete him & delete him from the group… FUCK you Noddy! I know we’re not exclusive, but fucking hell!!! He obviously wanted me to see this… But I don’t delete him… I decide to write him a message on snapchat. “Wow Noddy, what a way to find out… I thought I deserved better from you…” I am really fucking hurt… More than I thought I would be… I feel like a fucking twat! I had my guard up with this guy, knowing there was red flag after red flag… I finally let my guard down after everything with Noodle & I did it with another douche guy!

Look I know that we are not exclusive, but this guy has been so vocal about how much he likes me, how he doesn’t want to scare me off, I mean when I read back over this blog, he wrote me a fucking song!! He’s talked about our future… He’s been so keen… More than I have… Now look… I’m the idiot sitting here crying over another wanker…

The next day I get a message from him “Hey, look my snap isn’t what it seems… That’s the girl you know I’m helping… I am sick of sleeping on the couch so yeah it’s my bed & we are good mates… Yeah shit happens… I won’t argue about this… All I’ll say is I’m sorry it looks like that. But yeah… I have a lot to say… But don’t know how to say it. So I think it’s best I clear my head before I chat about it.” I decide not to respond, I want to hear what he has to say without my comments… What could he possibly have to say to me? But sitting there with my heart pounding, my gut churning… Even if I believe that the snap is not what it seems, why send it…? He knows I am friends with him on there & would see it when he hasn’t written back to my message… I think regardless of what he says, he wanted me to see it & wants to piss me off… I’m just not sure why? Maybe because I was upset he bailed & didn’t make another time to see me? He thinks he’s in the right? I don’t know… I do write back despite knowing that I shouldn’t “Well I’d obviously like to hear what you have to say still, but the way I see it… You used me as a rebound… You spouted all the “we” stuff that I hate – I got attached to you after you persisted in breaking down my barriers by telling me how much you want/like me, how amazing I am, even writing me a song! Against my better judgement I let down my guard with you even though there were red flags everywhere… Then you pull away but continue to say you really like me & thought you were falling for me… I actually really liked you Noddy. But yeah, when your head is clear, message me” He reads it but I never hear back. FFS!

The next morning, I wake up to find that a new chick has joined the group & is very familiar with Demon. It’s her – the chick in the snapchat, 1 day on the chat app with her face as her profile pic… WTF? There are also 2 more snapchats of Noddy & the chick hugging looking very cosy… I delete him from my snapchat, this is not healthy for me to keep looking at it, he’s clearly using it to piss me off – I don’t know why… I again can’t eat, or sleep… My heart is constantly beating out my chest… I think I am having a panic attack… This is how it felt when Noodle told me shit about his partner after we ended or I saw something about them from someone else… I really didn’t realise I liked this guy so much, or is it just the disrespectful way he’s going about ending it with me that’s making me feel like this? What a fucking child! I thought he wanted to be friends if this ‘fling’ ever ends… Yeah I remember him saying that…

I’m also watching Demon & the snapchat girl chat in the group like they’ve known each other for years… I see some red flags with this story… Demon also says that she’s watching this chick fuck her new man? Really? Someone just of a DV relationship is already fucking someone else? & it seems like she’s also had him before?! This is fucking weird… What the hell is going on!?

I’m driving to work in the country, when a best friend calls me & is crying, I think something has happened to her 3 week old baby, so I am crying before she can get it out that it’s her mum, she’s just passed away & all I can think is that I want Noodle to hug me. I never cry & it’s twice in a week!! WTF why do I want Noodle… It’s been over 6 months since we last spoke.

Another friend tells me when I’m talking to them about what has happened, that after the first Switch where Noddy disappeared, he apparently did spend the night with Demon, my friend tells me that there’s no proof they fucked, but it was clear Demon stayed at his house… Well now I feel like even more of a fuckwit, I hate feeling foolish… I trusted Demon this whole time… I thought she was on my side. I am hurt even more because I really like her… I thought she was trying to get Noddy to see he should be with me, not trying to fuck him. She also had a partner, who I don’t think she was open with at the time, so I’m not sure about this information. But just another red flag I ignored – I knew in my gut there was something about their friendship… I just knew but I didn’t want to be a jealous idiot, so I pushed it aside, knowing he’s told me how much he likes me!

So… Another thought, I don’t want to be insensitive here or seems like I don’t believe this snapchat chicks story, but firstly when my best friend got out of a domestic violent relationship, she deleted all social media & hid from the world, she went to a shelter & wouldn’t stay with me because she didn’t want him to know where she was… She wasn’t creating a chat app account with her full face as her profile picture or sending shapchats. She went into hiding! Secondly she definitely couldn’t fuck anyone else for months as she was scared to be with anyone… But this chick is fucking someone else’s partner within a few days, while seemingly in a 3sum? I hate to say it, but I am not sure I believe this story! I believe she’s told Noddy she was beaten by her partner, but she’s not really showing the signs of it, in my experience… I am trying not to judge, but there is something off about this story! I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Let’s think about this too… I’ve known Noddy for maybe 6-8 weeks, in that time this is the list of things he’s been though:

• Broken toe
• Cold/sniffles
• Mum’s car accident with broken rib
• A friend was beaten up by her partner & put in hospital
• Ex-girlfriend messaging him to get back with him
• His car accident
• His car breaking down, twice
• A friend committed suicide
• Helped friend with domestic violence situation

I really hate to say it & I hate to be untrusting of him, but can all that be true in the short time that I’ve known him? I get that some people have drama filled lives, I mean you only have to read this blog to know my life is a comedy act but can all that seriously have happened? & his breakup & trying to commit suicide himself, would this many people really be leaning on him at his fragile time? He’s still working on himself! I actually feel for him & want to hug him more! However, I can’t do that if he always bails, when will he let me be there for him?

Also, I knew there were red flags, this guy has them coming out of every orifice…

• Just got out of a long term relationship – 4 weeks before we met
• Doesn’t want to be in a relationship
• Tried to kill himself – 3 weeks before we met
• Smokes weed, every night plus who knows what other drugs he taken since knowing me
• 10 years younger than me (not that big of a deal now but could be!)

I knew there was a lot with this guy that I wasn’t sure of, I never thought with everything he’d been though that he’d be so disrespectful to me. I at least thought I deserved better from him… I told him in the beginning, that I didn’t want to be his rebound, he reassured me that I wouldn’t ever be that… He also said he wanted to be friends if we ended, that hurt me when he said it but now… Could I be friends with him after he’s been disrespectful?

What bothers me is that he’ll probably keep coming to Switch & bring this new chick even though he’d planned on coming to stay at mine, it is also the long weekend I’m going away with other friends that I was going to invite him too… I also have tickets to a DJ thing in July that I was planning to invite him too… I am fucking stupid for thinking about the future with him, I was even thinking that when I go to Melbourne in September with Ripples, he could come… I was planning way too much! Originally all I wanted was a guy I could fuck without a condom when I have this STI check & pap smear in a week, but he made me want more with his smooth talking & FUCK me, I fell for it like an actual factual wanker!

#IBD4U

A friend shared this with me the other night, obviously I have been the other woman, more than once. & like I said to Noodle a few times, why is his partner SO angry at me & not at him? He always said she was angry at him, but she had so much anger towards me – wanted to bash me up & I guess she did hit him & threaten him with weapons… But also like I said to Noodle, so many times, that I am single, I am allowed to be on dating apps, chat apps & talking to anyone I want… He is not, therefore I am not the problem.

I am not saying I am completely innocent here either so don’t misunderstand me, I went into things with some men knowing full well what the deal was, that he had a partner, but I’m sure there are others who lied to me & said they were single but weren’t & that’s why they disappeared…

If a man or woman for that matter, is in a “committed” relationship & they are online chatting to other people, meeting other people or fucking other people, the person that becomes the mistress isn’t the problem. This is an amazing article & really hits home for me – of course!

“Ladies, stop blaming the ‘other woman’. She didn’t cheat on you. He did.”

Not a single day goes by that I don’t see someone talking about what they would do to the other woman or how another woman better not talk to their significant other. I see women blaming the other women for their man’s indiscretions.

The side chick isn’t your problem. Your man is, and you’re making it worse.

Ladies, you’re not dating the other woman. You’re not married to the mistress. She isn’t the person who cheated on you, so she’s not your problem.

Why isn’t she your problem?

Your man is a cheater, and you need to stop blaming the other woman for his bad behaviour. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. It will be someone else in the future because the problem will remain the same. It’s your man.

When you blame someone else, you’re telling him it’s not his fault. You’re telling him he can’t help himself. You’re training him to believe it’s expected of him.

Whether you realise it or not, you’re telling him it’s okay because he has no control over his actions. When you go after the other woman, you’re showing him you blame her.

You’re telling him you don’t hold him responsible for cheating even though he was the person who cheated on you. You’re teaching him to keep on cheating, and you’re looking foolish for not placing the blame where it belongs.

The other woman didn’t cheat on you. He did.

She wasn’t the person who did you wrong. He was.

The other woman didn’t break your trust. He did.

Don’t tell me she knew better because she knew he wasn’t single. He made the decision to cheat knowing he wasn’t single. The other woman didn’t force him to cheat. Women aren’t out there holding guns to their heads to make these men cheat. He made a decision, and he made that decision knowing how it would affect you.

Going after the other woman does two things. It tells him it’s expected that he can’t control himself, and it lets him know you’re not going to hold him responsible for his actions.

Sure. You may huff and puff at him for a little bit, but you’re going to focus on the other woman. You’re showing him he can cheat with little repercussion.

You’re showing him you’ll hold a complete stranger responsible for your heartache before you’ll hold the actual culprit accountable. You’re teaching him it’s okay to cheat.

Sit back and think about who hurt you. You don’t care about her, so she can’t hurt you. He’s the one you care about. He’s the one who hurt you. His actions are what caused you pain.

The other woman doesn’t matter. She could have been anybody. It will be another woman next time, and he’ll still be the person cheating on you.

Stop teaching men they can’t control themselves and aren’t to blame. Stop teaching them to blame others for their own actions. Stop enabling cheaters and start holding them accountable for their choices. Otherwise, you’re just teaching him to cheat on you.

Here is the link to the article. https://www.msn.com/en-au/lifestyle/familyandrelationships/ladies-stop-blaming-the-other-woman-she-didnt-cheat-on-you-he-did/ar-BBZNsd9?ocid=sf2

Simply Amazing & 100% true!

#IBD4U

I can’t even… Yes… Max is back! I am having a shit time at work, I am being micromanaged like you wouldn’t believe, so I am on edge about that… Noddy hasn’t been chatting as much, even before his DV friend came along & all I want is for him to message me. So when I see Max’s face pop up on my Facebook messenger I think what the fuck does he want!

“Hi, you probably don’t want to talk to me again, but I wanted to check, I’d like to be friends still. Kinda don’t really have any friends and could really use one” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. So I know Sweetie isn’t happy & they’ve been on & off again, that she’s seeing someone else & I know they’ve been fighting about the fact she’s seeing a guy & he’s not seeing anyone… I guess the tables have turned & he doesn’t like it! I stare at it for ages & don’t know what to say to him… “Hey, while I have no hard feelings about you & don’t have any problems with talking to you, I also don’t want to be used now because you need a friend…!” I’m surprised that he takes some time to write back to be honest. “Fair enough, I deserve that. I haven’t been a very good friend to anyone” Did he really think we were friends? “I mean, we fucked for like 6 months & you weren’t even that good of a friend to me… So I guess I’m not jumping out of skin to give you any more of my time with not even an apology or anything” Like he doesn’t even apologise to me or even show any remorse! “I’m sorry for being a shitty friend. I thought we were friends. I guess I spent so much time on work I don’t even know if I’ve ever been a friend to anyone” Uhhh dur! I was sick of hearing how busy he was at work, remember! “We were friends till you started treating me like I was an option & taking me for granted… You’d do sweet things, like the tied ladybug at the wrong time then never spoke to me again” Remember the tied up ladybug in my letterbox after I get death threats from Noodle’s partner? “I spoke to you to wish you a happy birthday, you’d already blocked me. But your point is valid… I didn’t make any effort and I’m sorry for that. I wanted a friend but I didn’t want to be one. Was selfish of me.” I don’t read it, so that he can see I’ve read it, & I don’t write back till morning.

I go to sleep thinking that the lady bug in my letter box… That was like 2 months before my birthday! 2 months between messages, means we’re friends?! REALLY?! I can’t even believe I am replying at this point, what the fuck is wrong with me… This guy didn’t treat me well, he didn’t treat his wife well… Why am I replying? “I never blocked you. I made a new chat app account… You only ever put in effort till you got what you wanted despite what I wanted…” He asks if I’d be kin enough to forgive him, but look at this point, why should I & what would I get out of this if I did forgive him? I mean I know that Sweetie isn’t happy with him & seeing someone else, so now he’s contacting me because they aren’t happy together? I don’t reply the hours later he tells me that he’s scattered from now sleep. I finally write back “I know… I’m not Sweetie. I won’t put up with bullshit. Though I’m so surprised I actually put up with your bullshit for 6 months… Guess that’s what kinky sex does for me… Turns me into an idiot!” He says’s we’ve all been idiots for sex at some point. then asks “If you’re not busy this weekend, would you like to come to play VR in town & maybe grab some lunch or a coffee?” Would I? I mean do I want to get entwined with this guy again? I mean I really liked him, I definitely cared for him a lot, maybe I cared too much, that’s why it hurt me so much when he stopped talking to me, I mean I had Noodle & was in WAY to deep with him after just a couple of conversations, so of course that hurt way more, but I did like Max, he was good for me at the time. I actually enjoyed our time together & I actually have to thank him because I think if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have believed that Noodle loved me… Hard to explain but I felt pretty worthless for most of my life towards men, wasn’t until Max that I realised a guy could actually like me. If that makes sense?

Anyway, I tell Max that I can’t commit to seeing him right now but he says that he wasn’t even expecting a reply from me & so he’s just happy that I did message him. I don’t want to ghost anyone, but I don’t reply. The next day he sends a hello & happy hump day, but I ignore it. The next day he sends “Went to the big wooden playground after dark. Have to say it looks a bit like a big wooden kinky dungeon” I don’t reply but I send a laughing emoji reaction back to his message. I can’t help but think that it would be fun to go to the wooden playground after dark, but I just can’t think about Max right now. I have Noddy, super cute & fun Noddy (albeit he’s being a bit of a douche right now.) I don’t want to jeopardise anything with Noddy for Max – especially since I know that Max will probably just stop chatting to me in a few weeks, or fuck me then lose interest again.

He messages me when I am about to go on a date & we chat about that, I don’t know why I am oversharing, maybe to make him jealous, I don’t know… I guess I don’t want Max, however, I don’t want him, but I don’t want him to want anyone else. I am so standoffish that I don’t know why he keeps writing to me, he writes long sentences, I write back “Hey” & nothing else.

I ignore several messages “Good morning cutie  hope you had some fun this weekend, and got some rest aswell, so you can smash through next week ” & then other messages that he was at megazone with the kids – wow he does stuff with the kids on his own? Over the course of the next week, these are the messages I ignore…

• Beer o’clock!

#IBD4U

Noddy & I talk about how sensitive we both get when we are tickling each other’s skin or playing with each other’s hair. He says that drives him nuts he gets so turned on, that even just thinking about it with me, he got a shiver up his spine. “Erg… I’m actually all squirmy now.. hehe fuck… I want you” Yeah I want you too Noddy! Didn’t he tell me he’d get in the car? Why isn’t he getting in the car?! He knows I want sex daily, so he knows how sexual I am, that I think this will be the first time we actually have text sex… He sends me a picture & as I go to open it, I assume it’s going to be his dick, he then says “I bet u thought that was gonna be my dick ahaha” Yeah, I definitely did! I say that at this point with him, it wouldn’t bother me, in fact I think his cock would turn me on… But he sends me a naked chest pic next, then 2 seconds later one of him rugged up in his dressing gown. I say he doesn’t need the dressing gown as he is so hot when he sleeps. He says that he usually sleeps in boxers or naked. He pretty much has always put clothes on at my house, I’ve slept naked with him, but he’s always sleeping with clothes on. I think it’s a little weird “hahah I know, lol.. I’m not used to being in another woman’s bed naked for the night” I’m like you’ve slept here many times, I’m not a strange woman. But he says that he wears boxers in case something happens… What the fuck would happen? I say “Good night strange man” & he says “What about spark plug” I tell him that he’s no longer spark plug but strange boy. I tell him that I am not strange but normal. He says “ Fuck off – Normal my ass” but then says he has to start work. I tell him that this convo is not over, I want to know why I am not over. He says “Well for a start you like me… that’s strange ahahaha. Don’t like cuddles, peanut butter… Need I continue” Fuck well that backfired… I wasn’t expecting him to have anything to say to that! Hahaha… I tell him that he gets a lot of cuddles from someone who doesn’t like cuddles… I also tell him “I’m always attached to people who make me laugh, so it’s not unfathomable that I would like you.. Plus you’re alright on the eyes.” I am always attracted to people who can make me laugh, this guy makes me laugh via text out loud & constantly in person…

Instantly he messages me saying he lost respect for someone in the group because he actually read her message about cheating wrong. She was being sarcastic but he read it as if she meant it. I have to explain to him that she didn’t mean it that way & he calms down a bit… WOW he really is against cheating. I mean he should be of course, I know that he was cheated on, but the fact that he will cut people pretty easily is very interesting. I need to be careful with the Noodle story.

I have just learned that Demon broke up with her partner on Mothers day, I am friends with the partner & he’s been chatting to me about it. He’s unsure if she cheated on him or not, she’s told him that she has another guy but refuses to dignify that with an answer, I mean he’s upset she won’t tell him, but it’s not going to help if he knows or not. I guess I am a bit scared at first that she’s with Noddy, but it’s not him… Why am I so jealous of her relationship with Noddy? He’s met her family & stuff, maybe that’s what it is? I wonder if Noddy knows the truth, I wonder if she did cheat & how he feels about it?

I tell him that messaging is hard, so I prefer face to face but that can be confronting. He agrees, I tell him that I was emailing Noodle for months after we ended but if we just had a conversation then it would’ve been done with. He tells me that he’s still messaging his ex about the house & stuff, I feel another pang of jealously. I tell him that I am here to chat if he needs. It’s true I will listen but I am scared that he’ll take me up on that offer & I don’t want to be jealous of his ex-girlfriend… Thinking dumb thoughts, like what if he goes back etc. “Yeah. Trust me, I’ll message you to rant about it hahaha” I say that I am happy to listen anytime. “Yeah its good… Just to know I can message you about anything. And just talk about shit.” I’m so glad he sees me as someone he can talk too…

He decides that I need pictures galore of him to save in my Noddy file. They look a little older, when he seems really skinny, I think perhaps maybe because of drugs, I’m not sure… But he looks much better now. I ask him about his workmates because he is constantly sending me selfie pictures throughout the day, he says that they just laugh but he doesn’t care.

It’s the night before we supposed to catch up, he’s disappeared & not chatting to me or in groups, but when he comes back online he says “Hey… sorry… had a fucked night… Just got a call & my mate is heading down from Berri, she’s run away from a DV relationship” This brings up bad memories for me, I have helped my friend a few times, once her & the kids were dropped off at my house by the police, another time she was living in a shelter for ages, unable to live with me because her partner knows where I live & I wasn’t allowed to know where the shelter was either. I even left work to take her to the police station. I say I hope she’s ok. “I dunno… she called in tears so I said just come here. She can stay the night & talk if she needs” Well that’s good she’s got him, not much else he can do, unfortunately she may make stupid decisions he doesn’t agree with… He tells me he could never raise an unconsented hand to a women, I tell him it’s a vicious cycle & that my best friend hasn’t spoken to me for 4 months, I think mainly because she doesn’t want to see me because she went back to him, but I also think he isolates her by degrading her & making her feel worthless. He apologises for bringing up this & upsetting me. I say that I’ve been dealing with it for 10 years so I am ok, but I didn’t want to make this about me. I guess I just wanted him to know I can help & would be there if he needed advice. He stops replying, I go to sleep, assuming she got to his house.

I wake up I the morning to a message at 4:31 am “Alright… She’s finally crashed out after crying for hours. I’m gonna try to get a few hours sleep before work at 9. Working from home so not so bad” I know this is really really selfish of me, but I know he’s going to bail on me for our movie night… I say good morning & wish his friend well, he says good morning gorgeous says he got a bit of sleep, that he has his mate coming over with his car & that he hopes I have a good day. I had a busy as fuck morning, so I finally write back saying that I’m looking forward to relaxing with him tonight – knowing that he is going to have to bail, which sucks. “Hey at this stage hun she doesn’t have anywhere to go so I said she could stay here a few days.” It’s also almost 1:00 pm & he says his friend has only just dropped his car off & it’s a 6 hour job… So there goes my evening, even if she doesn’t let him go – which surely she wouldn’t want to come between him & the chick he’s seeing. I know my friend would be mortified if she fucked up my plan because she needed me… Not that I mind, but she would be horrified. I can’t hide my disappointment, I knew she would stay there but I figured he’d be able to leave her… Doesn’t she have family or other friends? Running form a domestic violence situation, you wouldn’t want to be around men – I know my friend was scared of all men for a while. Noddy says that he’s rather not leave her with his roommates. “I’m sorry hun can I come see you tomorrow for a coffee date or something just to see you before you have to go this week?” Well at least he wants to make it up to me… I say yeah fair enough, he probably should stay there with her. But I let him off the hook for tomorrow saying that I doubt he’ll be able to leave her so see how he goes…

I go out that night because I’m not going to sit at home alone feeling shit that I was bailed on. Yes a legit reason, so I am not upset about that, I am more upset that he doesn’t even seem to care that he’s bailed on me… Maybe he does, but if I had to bail, I’d be so apologetic & would be locking in the next time… Didn’t he tell me he would lock in the next time? He’d never bail on a woman? He replies as I’m on my way out at 8:00 pm telling me she’s be crying all day, he took her to the police but she wouldn’t go in. He said he’s trying to work on her being ok with his housemates which she seems to be doing well.

I write back on my way home… “I’m glad you’re being there for her, I totally understand & makes me like you more for being a good friend… But I can’t hide my disappointment that I’m always the thing you deprioritise when something happens… So while I’m trying not to seem bitchy, I’m sorry if I am. I’m genuinely upset too” I want him to know that I am sad about him not seeing me. I am not at all trying to make him feel bad. I actually like this side that he is such a good friend… I just hate that it always seems to be at my expense. He reads the message & never replies… Ok so we’re back to that!?

#IBD4U

I send Noddy a picture of me in tights & he says “Erg… Omg woman, those feet… Fuck you are so fucking sexy” I didn’t realise he has a foot fetish. It’s not entirely my thing, but I am happy to explore that with him… We’re still talking about Ripples, when I say “Just as long as you remember who gets to take me home” with a kissy emoji. He says “Oh yeah, I do hahaha, & boy do I like that feeling… ‘yeah well I get to go & fuck that’ I think is what I said to Demons brother” OMG, did he really? Fucking hell.., I thought he’d be more respectful than that to be honest. He says that Demons brother noticed it was a bit weird with Ripples & asked Noddy if he was ok with it. I’m glad that Noddy said he was fine with it. I tell him that any time it bothers him, he should tell me & I will talk to Ripples, which he says he will… I want him to keep coming to Switch with me, I can’t wait to show him my lingerie & outfit for the next one.

Noddy makes some jokes & asks if I have a Ripples photo folder as well as a Noddy one, I say that I don’t but I have a folder called Rope. All my rope pics. He laughs & I tell him that I wish I never told him that I saved his photos like a creep. He asks why & I say that I don’t want to come across as a weirdo… Without asking, he sends me a picture of his camera roll & it’s all pictures that I have sent in the last day or so of me in my lingerie. I laugh so hard. He says that I told him he could save whatever he wanted, which is true, so he’s been saving! That is fucking CUTE AS FUCK… I love that!!! He sends me a picture that he’s edited of me again using a filter then I send him a gif of a creep-o-meter. It’s so fucking cute, I can’t even cope!

The day, the next day after the death, I message him as soon as I wake up, I am not stubborn now. I let him know that I woke up thinking of him & made myself cum before work. I hope that he has a better day. He says that he wishes he could of helped me this morning & that my pictures helped him sleep. He said he went through my folder of pictures & got himself off… I wish he came to my house instead. I kind of curse the fact that I live so far from him & his work because I’m certain that he would stay over if I was closer… I think we’d be much further along & wouldn’t have as many communication issues.

I get a random message from him, later in the day with no context, while I’m at work, it’s a song…

Wasting Time

See I hate myself

For all the things I have done

Berate myself

For all the fights that

I should of fucking won.

But in the end its me who you’ll be missing

In the damn night you with that you were kissing

But now I write these songs

About our life I am dissing

All the love and all the hate

Mistakes that were made

I only fucking wish

I could make you happy everyday

See I’m wasting all of my time

And you see I got nothing

Dwelling in this mind

And I feel like I wasted my

Whole life time

See all these people

Throw me a life line

But I’m too fucking proud

To keep these fucking

People around

Bury me 6 feet deep

Put my life in the ground

Because what goes around

Comes right back around

Bitch I’ll make you scream

But they won’t hear a sound

“Are you ok?” I send. Fuck that’s intense… He’s actually a good writer, I am not surprised though, he does write intelligently to me, besides when he talks he says ‘fuckin’ a lot, but I know this guy is smart enough to keep up with me. He’s a little bogan, but he’s definitely not someone you have to explain big words too… He says that’s it’s an older song that he’s been working on lately. I just say that I wanted to make sure he’s ok because it seemed a bit heavy “You are beautiful. That’s why I like you so much” I mean I do care for this guy already… It’s only been 6 weeks or so, but I am invested… More than I should with the red flags, more than I should being that he’s told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment… But that’s ok, we’re taking it slow, but when he says stuff like that… Fuck I want to see him…

He hasn’t really ever asked me out again – I always have to do it, so I suggest we catch up on the weekend for a cuddle & possible a free movie since I have tickets from when I bought my investment property, I need to use them soon! He says that he’d love too on Saturday afternoon. My heart sinks a bit, that means he won’t stay if he comes over for the arvo. But I hide my disappointment because I want to see him & I guess a few hours at the movie is better than nothing. I tell him I have to work till 4:00 pm but will be home at 4:30 pm & I remind him that I’m away the next week, I tell him this fact so if he considers bailing, he probably won’t see me. Not that he seems to care about that, but my vagina does & I get Horngy (Horny & angry!) He says “Egh… Well l’ll definitely have to see you this weekend” I say that he doesn’t have too see me, because I’m not sure about that Egh at the beginning of his sentence, but he says “Oh yeah I do… I want to see you” ok well that’s good then!

I have just been working out for a couple of hours, sending him a gym selfie & he sends me one where he looks stoned as fuck. I also offer to work out with him, when he says he hasn’t been for ages. I tell him I’ll leave it up to him to organise these exercise dates etc, because he’s the one that say ‘we’ll do this…’ or ‘we’ll do that’ but we never do & I hate it… I’m a planner & if someone says to me they want to do something, then I start planning in my head how we’ll do it… He says that we’ll do the movie. I ask what time he has to leave on Saturday but he says he can stay till whenever that he’s not working on Sunday. I get a little more excited, he’s going to come over late Saturday afternoon, he suggest 5:00 pm so we have time to do stuff before the movies… Stuff eh! Hahaha. We look at a couple of movie trailers & times, he says that maybe he will just tease me before the movie. I do say that the 5 hours of foreplay at Switch was pretty hot. I tell him that I will send him pictures of toys & so I send him my draw in my bed & he says that I’m in trouble. I tell him that I forget what half of it is form being that every guy I’m with says we’ll use it but we never do. He says that we’ll definitely use it all. I remind him about my erotica story of the bar in the Nipple bells, I tell him that that was what my fantasy was about the other morning, he says that he’s read them all a few times, picturing us as the couple. I love that…

He sends me a shower selfie & then one of him in his bloody dressing gown again with crazy hair. I tell him that I haven’t ever seen him with crazy hair, he’s always looking in my mirror to fix it – like Justin Bieber, it only every looks crazy when he’s fucking me & I’m grabbing it… “Hehehe, Oh I fucking love it when you do that” I tell him that I like my hair played with too “Oh I noticed when I play with your hair u turn into a puddle of happy” FUCK, I really have no poker face!

#IBD4U

Here is the seventh instalment of the Mixed bag series… I hope you like these. These are a little bit older but always fun to read… Some more insight into why I am like I am!

Square Bear

I met this guy in 2016, so we’re going back a few years BN (Before Noodle) & still very new to kink. I mean I think I may have even been with Milky or that may have ended. I actually think this was just before I met Noodle & I was just about to start seeing Max…. I don’t even remember where I met this guy either but I know chatted a lot on the chat app.

We literally chat a lot, we chat most days, for a while actually, so much so that I think we should meet because you know what I’m like, I build up a relationship in my head & then the dude is a douche or we just don’t mesh well & then it’s over, causing me to waste so much time with these thoughts of wedding bells – not really but you know what I mean! Hahaha.

We do talk about kink at some point during our conversation, at this point I am looking for more in this world & looking to explore a few things, so it’s a topis that most guys find easy, they usually tell me how amazing they’d be & how they’re dominant etc. I tell him that I have recently been spanked a lot & tied up enjoying it a lot, he asks a lot of questions about what I mean & what I enjoy, why I enjoy it etc so I think that this guy is into this, he will like when he tells me that “I couldn’t ever hit a woman, I wasn’t brought up that way.” Right? What does consensual sexual spanking have to do with the way you were brought up? I wasn’t brought up being spanked & now I have a fetish for it? I get that men don’t want to hit a woman, but I’m not asking him to hit me in a fit of rage, I’m asking him to hit me in a sexual context & I’m actually consenting to it. There’s a very big difference.

Well I don’t need kink, I enjoy it & I would like to explore it but it’s not the be all & end all of my sex life, so I meet this guy for a date. We’re chatting online on boxing day, both hungover & decide that we should meet later in the afternoon for a drink. I meet him & he’s cute, pretty much like his pictures, but he’s not hot, not exactly what I would like, but I’m not turned off.

We chat for hours, having a couple of hair of the dogs before we go home, kissing on the cheek goodbye… I didn’t really feel the spark, didn’t really feel the thing you should feel… I didn’t know it at the time, but only a few months later, I would meet Noodle & feel that thing!

New years goes by & I don’t hear from Square Bear, I don’t message him either, being the stubborn bitch I am. However he does eventually message to say happy new year & that he doesn’t think that we’re right for each other but he really liked me & think that I will find someone, he says that he know she’s a dickhead, that I’m amazing but he basically doesn’t want to see me again.

No hard feelings there, but I would have given this guy a second date at least, I don’t know how these men make such a snap decision with me, I mean I knew that we probably weren’t right for each other, but I definitely would have gone on a second date with him…

Game Show

One of the most mortifying things as a single woman with a lot of friends in couples is the fact that everyone in a couple thinks you should be in a couple. I mean I want to be in a couple don’t get me wrong, but I hate when friends mean well but they can sometimes go over the top.

So I was at a 50^th birthday party for someone that I work with, it was a mad hatters party & I was literally was looking amazing. I wasn’t a hat person so I wore a 1920’s style headband that I had worn to another party a few years earlier. I had a cute short bob hairdo & felt pretty good about myself. I didn’t really want to go to this party alone but other colleagues are there so I will just go & have a good time.

There is one person in my life who I’ve talked about before, her house was that of the infamous Christmas party. She is so lovely & wonderful & means well, however this night she’s had a few drinks & she walks through the party gathering up the single people. I am reluctant to get out of my chair, it’s cold in August at an outdoor party, where I have finally got a seat by the heater, however another friend sort of makes me get up & come with her as she’s being pulled into the garden too.

There are 4 single women, ant marching their way to the bottom of the garden to a fire pit. We get to the place our wonderful friend has led us too & there are 3 dudes, she stands us opposite each other & basically becomes a game host!

OH HOLY FUCK…

I have either blocked it or was too drunk later in then evening to remember, but the game host friend asks us all a different question that we all answer, but then nothing comes of this game. We all go about the party like nothing happened, but standing there, in front of eligible bachelors & answering questions was the worst moment of my single life. I felt so fucking small & some degraded, I know that seems ridiculous but you have no idea what it is like standing in front of a party with them all knowing that you’re fucking single & participating in some sort of weirdo game show at a birthday.

The Bachelor

One thing I haven’t ever done to find love is to go on a dating TV show. For those of you following my Facebook page, you’ll remember that I posted a status ages ago about which show you’d all go on. Most of you suggest Married at first sight, however as someone who’s never been married & I do want to get married one day, I want that more than anything… But I want it to be special not some douche on the tv that is only on their for the fame, only on their for their 15 minutes of fame.

While I assume most guys I meet now at my age will have been married before, I only want to get married once. Marriage means something to me, it means that I am pledging my love to someone in front of all my friends & family. Married at first sight, while I know they aren’t really married, is just making a mockery of marriage in my view.

When I googled, the only show looking for contestants at this time was the bachelor, I set about sending in an application. Fucking hell, they want to know a fair bit about you, the survey took about an hour to fill out, they also want 2 pictures of you, 1 headshot & 1 full body shot. I got through the survey thinking, yeah my story is quite interesting so I may get a look in, however I get to the last page & you have to upload a video of no more than 2 minutes of yourself. OMG What am I going to say about my love life without sounding like a tool – I had just ended with Noodle & was feeling so shit about myself, would I talk about that? Would that be a good story or would I be the home wrecker on the show before people even get to know me?

I also immediately have visions of this video winding up on YouTube like a child star like Justin Bieber at the talent show he didn’t win. FUCK. I never do it. I chicken out… & now reading back on the game show evening, I am fucking glad that I didn’t go on a reality TV show to find love. I know that I would slink away into the background & I wouldn’t have been given a rose on the first night. Those women are all so beautiful, I know that I would end up with my heart broken!

Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough, but I doubt it.

Another mixed bag, which I hope you enjoyed!

#IBD4U

The next day Noddy & I are talking about the creepy dude at Switch, he’s talking about punching him if I need him too, but I can handle the guy, I think he’s harmless – a bit of a voyeur if anything. We also talk about the fact his jumper was on my bed & I walked into the room & that I thought he was in there because it smells like him so much, I was actually expecting him to jump out & scare me… I don’t even know how that would be possible unless he broke into my house, which is pretty much impossible unless you break a window. I say that he only wants to scare me because he knows I’ll cuddle him afterwards, he says “Ahaha, yeah fuck oath I do.. hahaha I love your cuddles” Again the L word even though in that context, catches my breath.

It’s mother’s day (so we’re up to May 2019 for those keeping tabs on how close to real life we are…) & we chat quite a lot back & forth, we’re talking about him being a bogan & drinking milk out of the carton, we start talking about our families, he says “Ahaha, you are such a yobbo. Fucking hell, I didn’t doubt you weren’t a bogan for a second, love” I laugh at that, & I say that I am the black sheep but I come from a low socio-economical background, trying to open up the dialogue a bit to remind him I’m just like him, I say that it looks like I’ve got it all together, but I don’t. I’m not posh like I think he thinks I am. I don’t want him to think I am better than him, I don’t want it to be like Noodle how he thought he couldn’t be with me because my house is so clean… I want Noddy to know he can fit into my life if we go down that path. Oddly he never reads the message but he keeps chatting in the group about game of thrones… I am kind of crestfallen about that, I was trying to open up & go a bit deeper with him. I guess maybe that he doesn’t want us to go deep just yet. He never reads the message the whole next day… I think WTF? This is another day now since we worked stuff out that we didn’t talk. I hate that… It makes it awkward again… I guess that’s why the arrangement with Noodle worked so well, we never had this bullshit of who messaged who first – though by the time I was 13 blog posts in I was probably in love with Noodle but pretending I wasn’t… It’s not quite the same with Noddy.

Tuesday morning, Noddy messages me “Morning gorgeous. Hope you have a good day at work. I’m rooted I haven’t slept in 2 days… I just can’t sleep. Gonna go to the docs after work. If I make it that far.” I refuse to read it all day, I am really busy at work anyway so I don’t have time but I am being really stubborn & playing a stupid game. But FUCK! When I open this message I see that my previous message about my history still hasn’t been read… WTF? I send him a screenshot & say “Afternoon… sorry had a flat out day. Why haven’t you slept? & oddly my message never sent Sunday night, you never read it?” He sends me a screenshot back, showing me that he didn’t receive it & I realise that the chat app is just trying to ruin my life!! FUCK, now I feel so bad for not checking the message earlier… I tell him that I thought it was weird that he never even looked at the message & was chatting in my group. He says “Yeah I was like ok did I offend her with my yoboo or was it the love?”

I tell him how shit work has been for me lately & he offers his help, but there is nothing he can do, I had some annual leave that wasn’t approved which has pissed me off a lot & some depressing news about moving teams, which I didn’t want to do, I just wanted to stop travelling as much – because that ruins my dating life. But things were happening without me being consulted & I am not happy about it…

I am in the bath as we have this conversation & I do something so unprecedented for me & send him a full nude I the bath… I never send full nudes, I must trust this guy a lot… Noodle is the only guy to get a full nude of me… “Oh fuck… damn girl… U fine as fuck ahaha” I smile, that’s just the reaction I wanted! The reaction I needed!

When I get out the bath, because things are good, I put his jumper on, I love the smell of it… I send him a picture “Ahahaha… cute as fuck… is my jumper good?” I tell him that it barely covers my butt but is massive on me, he says he needs to see that & I can’t wait to wear it around him… I ask him if he wants panties or no panties, when he says panties, I don’t know why I am surprised by that choice. Then we start talking about the lingerie he’s fucked me in & I send him a bunch of pictures “Oh damn. Fucking hell woman you are stunning” or “You look fucking good in white” (Noodle always loved me in white) or “OMG fucking hell, you are… mmmmm… Damn.” He tells me that I am not helping because he is in the lounge room, rising!

I wake up in the morning & I decide to send him a message first – I don’t want any of these stupid games again…. I’m 37 FFS! He tells me that he’s had a bad morning, that a mate took his own life last night… OH FUCK… This is going to be tough for him, bring up memories & also make him feel like he should’ve known & done something… I’m glad I wasn’t a stubborn bitch this morning & refusing to message him! I obviously offer anything I can including a cuddle after work, he says he’d love one & I hope that he does come over to my house tonight. He says he’d love to see me but he’ll see how he goes. I tell him that I wish there was more I could do but I won’t judge if he wants a cuddle & a cry. He says “Thanks heaps #IBD4U, it means heaps… more than you realise” he tells me that what hit him the most was what everyone would’ve been life if he went through with killing himself… I get that people would’ve been heartbroken, I say even me now, I’d be really upset too.

He posts a message to everyone in the group & it just makes me want to go to his work & hug him “Morning all, Just FYI For anyone & everyone. If you ever need someone to listen, chat to or even just have a fat rant about something my inbox is always open. My real point here is there is no reason to fight life on ur own… there are people that will help you, even if you think there isn’t. I’ll be here… You might not feel like talking to me. But please reach out to someone. I love you all. You are all amazing.” Wow. he’s a genuinely good guy!

We talk throughout the day, I also see in the group that he’s going to get smashed & smoke cones tonight with his friend, so I guess he’s not coming over, I am disappointed that I’m not the one he turns to lean on, but I get it. He doesn’t come over but we chat. I try to distract him with the outfit that I had delivered for the next Switch. I like that I can make plans with him, knowing things are so much better for us… (OMG I’m saying ‘us’) We’re going with the flow, but also planning & really working on the communication a lot more. I send him a picture of me in the new outfit & he sends a gif with googley eyes popping out their head. I then show him some lingerie that I could wear underneath & he picks a black & gold set. I suggest knee high tights, which I’m not sure I have so I go digging around in the draw & put some on sending him a picture of me knee high stocking. I say that I won’t be able to get tied in this outfit, but then ask if he’s ok with me being tied by Ripples, because I don’t want it to be weird for him. He tells me that at first it was but he’s open to it.

I explain it’s just a rope thing with me & Ripples, that I liked Noddy watching me but I didn’t want him to be weirded out. “Haha, yeah… nah.. I understand, and it really is ok.. it wasn’t too weird.. just him thirsting on you haha… oh damn, I’m jealous” OH FUCK I don’t want him to be jealous. I remember how jealous Noodle got when men chatted to me & how I had to talk him around so many fucking times, that I don’t want to have that with Noddy… But as I always say, jealously is an emotion of the fear of losing something… So I now know that Noddy is scared to lose me! I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about & I tell him that I am into someone else… hehehe. “Oh I know… nah, it’s not like bad, bad. But like, it’s just u can see him about to start drooling starting at ur vag laying down hoping for a waft of it.” Bahaha… That’s so funny. I know Ripples can be full on, so I reassure Noddy, I only want him… I have to admit to myself, I wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth, but it did… I can be very loyal when it comes to seeing guys, I guess part of the reason is the plan to get to a point of not wearing condoms, but I actually really like this guy… He’s a decent human being & I am keen to see where it goes with him! Everyone likes him in the group, I like him, he’s a really good guy, we just have communication issues to sort out, but that’s nothing we can’t fix!

#IBD4U

OMG… This is my exciting news… I’m freaking jumping out my skin right now to share this with you!!

So often things pop up on my facebook or insta for my blog, I follow a lot of other blogs & I also listen to a few podcasts, I read news articles & really involve myself in other dating stories because I love reading & hearing other stories as outrageous as mine.

I found a podcast, from Florida in America & I listened to a few episodes, liked their page & didn’t think much else of it, until the day Jack from Dating Confessions messaged me & asked me to be in their show! OMFG! So surreal…

Little ol #IBD4U has been asked to do something which involves my blog! It’s always been a passion project of mine & others are noticing. WOW… I’m gonna be famous! Hahaha. I agree to it, of course, not knowing they wanted me on the next episode!!

So the other day, via skype I chatted with Jack & Alisha from Dating Confessions & we shared some stories! I was literally so nervous but I am so excited by this. Here it is for you to listen too… Please me know what you think of this, those following my Facebook will know that I have had a podcast in the pipelines for a while…

Here is the spotify link to my episodes with Jack & Alisha…

If you want to listen to more episodes of Dating Confessions with Jack & Alisha, follow them where ever you listen to your podcasts.

#IBD4U

The car ride with Noddy is uneventful, he talks to my dad like he’s known him for years, offering to fix his multitude of cars in their front yard – I think this is sweet but I’m always cautious of the “we” stuff & the making plans for the future… It hasn’t ever gone my way but maybe this could be the guy?

Dad drops us off, Noddy & I walk in the door at Switch & there is no eftpos so I have to go to the ATM. I thought Noddy heard what was happening, but he pays for himself & follows me to the ATM – I’m surprised that he didn’t offer to pay the $20 for me to get in, I had just spend $40 on pizza & got us a free ride in to the city, but that’s ok, I am not the type to let a guy pay for everything. He starts talking to a guy & girl, I wonder who they are, they are clearly a couple but the chick is very touchy feely with Noddy that it’s a bit weird, I get my money out & go to the door to pay my entry then back to them. Noddy introduces me & says that the guy is Demon’s brother & his partner. Oh ok… Demon is sick & not coming tonight, I don’t know why I am happy about that to be honest… I like her & am thankful she’s on my side, helping Noddy to be a better man to be with me. I have no reason to be jealous of her… I need to shake that… It’s weird though, I mean Noddy has only known Demon the same time as he’s known me.

Noddy & I get a drink & go upstairs. Ripples is there & I introduce them. Noddy & I sit over on the edge of a couch for a while just chatting & kissing. It’s a really quiet switch to be honest & I think I am glad that some people aren’t here, because Noddy won’t forget I am here – like he did last time. There aren’t as many people there that I know, so it seems a bit awkward. I want to say hello to people with Noddy there, so I don’t look like a loser in the kink scene that I’ve been going on & on about. Noddy barely leaves my side except when he goes out for a smoke, but this time he’s not out there long. I wonder if that’s because Demon & Doddy aren’t here to distract him?

We’re kissing the whole time he’s upstairs with me, when he goes to get a drink, Ripples actually asks me if I’m ok & if I need rescuing because I don’t look like I’m ok. Yeah I’m ok, I am more than ok, my panties are wet from this foreplay. This is the first time in a fucking long time that I have been out with a guy & had him offering me drinks, finding ways to touch me when he doesn’t need too… Standing by me proudly… It makes me wish he got to my house earlier to fuck me but then this is pretty fucking good… 5 hours of foreplay…

After the show, Ripples plans to tie me up. Noddy is not around, he’s gone for a smoke, drink & toilet, so I message him to let him know. I’m not going to be stupid about this again. I am lying on the ground so I don’t even know if Noddy’s watching or not. Ripples ties both my legs in what is called a futo (I look like a bound ham) then gets ready to suspend me when I see Noddy sitting there with his friends watching intenetly & I feel so special.

I am glad that he’s there watching, I’m about to do something I’ve never done, however I’m worried I won’t be able to do it either… I am being tied by just my legs & then getting wax poured all over me. Once suspended, I don’t know what to do with my arms, so in all the photos they are flapping about. I spin for a bit & then Ripples drips wax all over my legs. It feels so good. I did it… I can do it! After I’m down on the floor Ripples asks me if I want to get Noddy to help get rid of the wax, I say yeah. He gets Noddy over & he asks me how it was… As the ropes come off my legs, they are so embedded in my leg that it kills me & I cry out… That was so painful but so good… Noddy rubs my legs taking the wax off, saying how much he liked watching that. I am glad he enjoyed because I know Ripples can be a bit creepy, so I am worried that Noddy will think it means more than it does…

We’re sitting down, I watch Demon’s brothers girlfriend get tied up by Ripples as it’s her first Switch & he wants to experience something. I talk to Demon’s brother & he’s really nice. When Noddy comes back I am shivering & he gives me his jacket. Then says “Do you hear that?” I’m like dude we’re in a nightclub, all I can hear is music. I ask what & he says “It’s your bed calling” I giggle & think thank fuck for that. I know last Switch he was here till like 4:00 am or something. I get tired after being tied as it’s like a massage so I didn’t know what time he’d want to stay till, that I’d had 2 red bulls before I came but it’s before midnight which is usual for me. We catch an Uber home, that I pay for, he doesn’t offer me money, I also notice that he didn’t seem to say thanks to my dad for dropping us off either… But anyway, he has paid for everything pretty much. However I do offer him money every time.

We chat easily on the way home in the car, he says that he wants to watch the movie “It” when we get home, I hate scary movies but when he’s out for a smoke, I put it on, hiding under the covers. But it’s too scary for me, I keep jumping so I put on Love Actually, we don’t get to watch much because we are fucking quickly. He’s fucking me fast & his cock slips in my ass too fast that I’m not prepared. *Surprise Anal* I must jump because he stops & says “OMG are you ok?” I explain he was in my ass & he says sorry he didn’t mean too, I know that was a total accident, he’s definitely not that type of guy. We go to sleep at like 2:00 am, me laying on his chest & he says “There’s no better way to fall asleep than like this” & he kisses the top of my head. FUUUCKK!!

When we wake up in the morning, Noddy does his usual routine of getting up for the bathroom & smoke before coming back to fuck me again. I am still in my body suit from last night, I ask if he wants me to take it off but he says hell no. He brings me a cup of tea in bed & brings his coffee in too… I could get used to this… He leaves about lunch time after pizza & a smoothie – that he hates because it has peanut butter in it (But I suggest what I usually have, which is avocado in my smoothie & he makes a vomit face), I notice when he’s gone home that his favourite black sabbath jumper is on my pool table. After I put it on & it smells like him, I smirk s I put it on…. I realise I am in trouble here… I sit there writing & sitting in his jumper (like a fuckwit) & he’s already sent me all the pics he took last night, but then he randomly sends me a picture that he’s edited, which all he’s done it put a filter on it, & says “Hope you’ve having a good day” which makes me smile like an idiot thinking that he’s editing my pictures that he has on his phone… That’s so fucking adorable! I like knowing that he is thinking about me when not with me! I send him a picture of me wearing his jumper, hoping that it’s not weird, but he says that he likes seeing me in it. We talk about what piece of clothing he’d get from me if I lose a dare & he instantly says g string, last time I gave away my underwear did not go well, so I am skeptical about this but he says he’s sure it’ll happen one day that he’ll get a pair… I’d probably just give him a pair if he really wanted them!

I tell him that I don’t often get punishment, I can be bratty & he says the he doesn’t think he’s seen the half of it… No dude, you haven’t! & I can’t wait to show him! He says he can’t wait to have some more fun too. I say that I do like to be dominated over text that he doesn’t have to wait for a dare. I don’t think he gets it because he just says “yeah good to know.” I want him to send me text commands, be dominant when we’re not together, because we’re not together a lot. Although every time we’ve talked dirty or I’ve been saying that I’m playing with my vibes, he’s been too busy, I can’t help but think he’s chatting to someone else, but he usually sends me a picture of him in bed alone or writing music. Just reminds me how much Noodle always gave me his undivided attention when I started talking sexy, this guy doesn’t seem to pick up on it…

I tell him that he should’ve just fucked my ass because I can still feel him in there. He says that he’d love too but will start a bit slower. I can’t wait for that, it’s been a while since someone fucked my ass, maybe Crows was the last dude…

Noddy gets concerned about what I’m talking about in the group about this weirdo Indian guy that was at Switch. I’ve seen him at the play parties just walking around & lurking. He’s weird, he walks around just starting & getting in your way so you can’t get past. Noddy tells me to tell him if I ever see him again, I ask what he’d do if I did feel uncomfortable & I tell him that if I felt uncomfortable I would’ve said something but we were not apart pretty much the whole night… He was exactly what I wanted that night – maybe I do want a relationship? This guy was perfect, always by my side, offering me drinks (I don’t drink much anymore until I’m tied at least) & touching me non-stop.

Fuck… do I want a relationship or is this guy just treating me well & I’m forgetting Noodle?!

#IBD4U

“I’m just leaving rope now” I text Noddy to let him know I’m on my way he says “See you soon” & I drive to his house, thinking from what he was saying that he lives in the ghetto. But he doesn’t, his house is fairly nice. He gets in the car after I text to says I’m there & he says that I can come in, but I say that we should go for a drive, I don’t want to go into his house & meet his housemates, who seem to know lots about me – then we won’t resolve anything. I haven’t told that many people in my real life about him, mainly just people on the chat app. Everyone on the chat app knows because Noddy sent that picture of us in bed together, but other than that, I haven’t said much to anyone – I am cautious of everyone knowing & now that it’s shit, I’m glad I was smart enough not to tell people.

I figure if we go inside we won’t talk because we’ll either sit with his housemates awkwardly or end up having sex. So I suggest a drive, he starts giving me directions & I tell him that he’s better off pointing left & right because I will probably turn the wrong way. What is it about left & right’s when someone is giving you directions? Does anyone else do that, when someone says turn left, you turn right? Hahaha. Anyway we have a laugh about it & I kind of relax a little, he’s not being that standoffish with me, though he didn’t kiss me hello – every time Noddy has seen me, he kisses me hello & goodbye. We drive for about 10 minutes before he says to pull into the parking space on the side of a dark road, I do, turn the lights off & turn to him to say “So what’s been happening?” I hold my breath…. He tells me that his ex-girlfriend has been in contact with him again, mainly about the cats, he said he it’s stressing him out because he doesn’t think she’s living there as she’s with the guy she cheated with, so he’s worried about their well being. He talks about the car accident & now how fucked his car is, that he’s been so busy… (Fucking hell, I hate when men say that they’re so busy! WTF does it even mean?! So insulting, like I’m not busy.) He then asks me what’s been happening with me & I say “Well I’m confused” I explain that he was seeing me like 3 times a week & chatting to me constantly, then he just disappeared. He says again that his ex girlfriend has stressed him out & he’s busy but I know that’s not it… I say “That’s not completely true though is it?” He says no & chuckles a little like there is more to the story than he wants to share… but he says that he panicked, his housemates were giving him shit about how much he was seeing me & had actually asked if he was in love with me, which he started to think he was… WOHA! But because he just got out of a relationship he doesn’t want to get into another one, but he really really likes me. I ask why we have to label it & he says that that’s just who he is, he would’ve been asking me to label it with him. I mean I’m not 100% there yet, but I am pissed that he would just back off instead of talking to me. How old is this guy? I know he’s 10 years younger than me, but I thought he was more mature than this. I ask him if we can just keep going on how we are, seeing where it goes & having fun… (This is never something I thought I would ever have to say to a guy) he agrees that he can do that & I ask him to kiss me, which he does… I do consider fucking him but I didn’t bring a condom. We talk a bit more about all sorts of shit, he makes me laugh a lot, I am happy that I’ve had this talk with him, this week away will be bearable & Switch will be fun on Friday night. We’re going together, things are back on track & we don’t have to label it! I am planning the sort of exclusivity talk when I get my pap smear & STI check in a couple of weeks, but even that seems now to be too much if he’s freaking out about falling for me. But that’s my aim, then from there see if the boyfriend/girlfriend thing evolves.

I drop him home about 11:00 pm, kissing him goodbye in the car. He says that he has a present inside for me, the jumper he owes me for the debt, I’m not sure if he’s asking me inside for sex or what, but I just say to bring it on Friday. I say goodbye, feeling much better about this… Finally an adult conversation.

I chat in the group the next day about my terrible flight but refuse to message him. Seriously, WTF is wrong with me? I am so stubborn, it’s fucking dumb, I know! He falls asleep on me when we’re chatting & then I’m asleep when he wakes up to message so the next morning, it’s easy, I just reply in the morning & keep the conversation going, none of this who will say hello first…. This is why I need the stupid agreement Noodle & I had. However I remember Max telling me he didn’t want me to be an obligation, which is not what I want either, I feel like if I had that agreement with Noddy, I would be an obligation. I tell him that I am watching Game of Thrones, starting from the beginning & I need someone to help me through it. He says we should watch it together, which I agree but then he tells me that he’s downloading it… How confusing, does he want to watch with me or by myself?

I tell him that I’ve been out for dinner & been writing as I have a deadline… Why the fuck do I tell him that? I mean, I have been told to take the blog to the grave, never tell a guy I’m with that I have it… So I just say that I haven’t told him the entire truth about my writing, that I’m shy & don’t want to share it with him, he doesn’t pry which I am thankful for but says that I shouldn’t be shy about it, that he’s sure it’s amazing work.

We chat though out the week & I tell Noddy that I am going to be home early Friday night for Switch, he says that he’ll be at mine by 6:30 pm so he can make it up to me before we go to Switch. I tell Noddy he can pick out my lingerie for Switch. I try out a costume, but I look like shit, so I end up wearing my lingerie body suit with a skirt. I figure when he gets here, we’ll have sex & he can pick out some lingerie & maybe a toy to take with us or that I have to wear all night…

I ask him if it’s ok if I ask my sister to drop us into town which he says it’s ok. I asked my sister because I can explain who he is to her. But my dad ends up doing it… FUCK Noddy is going to meet my dad… But this is good perhaps, my dad is a big bogan, beer gut, missing teeth… Shows a bit of a different side of me, like my house is perfect & styled, I always am dressed nice with hair done, make up on, this will show him that I am not from a prim & proper background… I come from the lower to middle class… I would’ve been rowing with the other slaves if I was on the titanic.

It’s something Noodle never saw & didn’t get about me, he saw the super clean house, the uncluttered living space, he never saw the hoarding that my parents do or the 5 cars for 2 of them on their overgrown front lawn… Guys don’t really understand me fully I think because of the persona I show them. I should be proud that I come from a low social-economic background & that I have made something of myself.

I start to order pizza & wait for Noddy to come over, but he tells me he won’t be there till 7:00 pm, how long does it take to get ready FFS? I get a little pissed off… I mean really… This is fucked… I still haven’t heard from him that he’s left his house, when he messages to say he won’t be here till 7:30 pm… FUCKING HELL, this guy is going to bail? My friend has bailed as she’s sick… I bet he bails… I am angry now, I don’t want to be angry, but nothing annoys me more than people running late or bailing… I order the pizza thinking fuck you, then he says he’s on his way… PHEW.

I am walking around doing shit when I see him running up behind me & I jump like a manic… I must’ve left the front door unlocked & with the music loud, I didn’t hear him come in. He laughs his head off, thinking it’s the funniest thing seeing me jump. We kiss hello & I tell him I ordered the pizza ages ago because I was hungry. He eats & I lay on the ground in front of the heater, he leans down & kisses me, I wish he got here earlier…

He goes out to smoke & I finish getting ready, I’m in the bathroom minding my own business when I turn to walk out & he’s at the door watching me, I jump a mile again & he laughs his head off again, grabbing me & kissing me saying he was there for ages. I have the music loud so I didn’t hear him. We stand there kissing so much so that I say “You should’ve got here earlier” He nods in a way that reminds me of Max & says that he should’ve. I say that my dad is going to be here soon, so we can’t. We break apart & he goes one way, I go the other, then he comes to tell me that my dad just pulled up. I introduce them, they stand outside having a smoke together as I lock up the house & we get in the car to go to Switch.

#IBD4U

So talking to Dom & J-Lo about how Noddy has backed right off, J-Lo tells me to do what is right for me, (what is that?) & Dom just tells me to message him, send him nudes & get him interested. My stubborn mind tells me to not do anything & he can message me, I mean he read my last message & never wrote back, it’s his turn! Hahaha, I’m so childish! But honestly I feel like this dude just isn’t that keen anymore.

However Dom tells me that maybe he’s waiting for me to message & I think that maybe, just maybe my stubbornness has made me lose contact with some guys in the past, because we’re both thinking “I wish they’d message me!” I know I have a problem, so I decide that Dom is right, I’m 37 years old, I don’t have time for games, this is just stupid! I like this guy, I need to know what is going on. So I message him & just say “Hey how was the video shoot yesterday” because he was apparently shooting a music video for his song. He takes a while to write back but says that he just woke up, sends me a picture of him in bed & tells me that he won’t go into details but he had a hectic night. My mind automatically thinks he’s fucked someone else, I guess I can’t be mad, we’re not exclusive, he hasn’t seen me for a week & I’ve fucked someone else – Orbit, plus I’ve had text sex with Dom.

I reply without thinking “Hahaha, when you say you won’t go into details, that’s not a good sign” but he says “Nah, not like that, drugs” I know he smokes weed all the time, but assuming he did other stuff last night. When he says he’s annoyed they didn’t shoot the video but will make him heaps busy next weekend I bite the bullet & say “Was hoping to see you sometime soon, since I go away Tuesday morning for the whole week” he replies & I almost don’t want to read it in case it’s an excuse why he can’t see me over the next 2 days. “Yeah I would of liked to of caught up already… Sorry I’m heaps scattered. I couldn’t make it tonight but hopefully tomorrow night if you are free?” Finally, he’s asking me out I have rope but I explain that I can leave at 9:00 pm so that I’m home by 9:30 pm. However my gut is telling me he’s going to bail. I feel like he gets home from work, wants to smoke cones so makes up some excuse… But he says “Yeah I’d love to see you, it sounds like a plan.” Maybe my gut is wrong; maybe I don’t know what is going on. I did tell him through the week that we need to talk face to face because I don’t want to chat to him about this over text, because clearly I am not as easy going when people bail on me for sex. I get so grumpy! Even Noodle noticed it that if I don’t get sex, I get grumpy, well of course I do, especially when I know they are free & can fuck me!

We talk into the night, he sends me a song he’s been working on, maybe I do have it all wrong? Maybe I’m sending out a vibe of desperado? But it’s not because I want him to be my boyfriend, it’s because I want good sex with a guy I like & knows my body – I am working towards not having to use a condom with someone, then the boyfriend thing maybe. Not random sex with strangers.

He tells me that he’s going to try to sleep & he’ll chat tomorrow. I say goodnight but it’s just that he calls me “hun” not gorgeous or any winky or kissing face. I try not to read into it being that he’s coming down from a big night on drugs.

The next day, I am definitely not going to message him, but I wake up to nothing from him to say good morning, I wait till lunch time, when he’s always online for his lunch break & still nothing. He said “I’ll chat tomorrow” so I am not messaging first again! At least he’s not chatting in the groups too…

Dom tells me to message him but I will wait till later this afternoon. I feel like this is Origin all over again! Why start off so keen, messaging every day, seeing me 3 times a week & then once I finally let my guard down a little, they back off?!

I am also worried because I know he is coming to Switch on Friday & me getting angry again, then ruining my night again. We had already arranged for him to stay at my house, but we all know how that turned out with Max that time… Maybe I’m over thinking it, maybe I should stop thinking about it, I mean this guy wasn’t going to be anything anyway, so why do I care?! But I always start out as I intend to go on, so why don’t guys do the same?

I post something in the group & then Noddy does too, but doesn’t say hello to me privately. I don’t know if it’s because I’m chatting in the group what but what is up with this guy? I don’t know what to do & I don’t want to play a stupid game but fucking hell he doesn’t make sense. I’m an adult, if I want this guy to fuck me, then I need to take matters into my own hands obviously, I message him because I’m an idiot! “Hey, how are you today? Still on for tonight? Thought you might even want to come to rope, do the class?” He takes almost an hour to read it then doesn’t respond straight away… I ask our friend Doddy if he understands what’s going on but he just says you have to get him in a room & chat to him, believe me I am trying!!! Fuck!

Noddy replies saying he should be good for tonight but won’t be home till late so won’t come to rope. No worries. I am sitting at home when I see a message pop up on my phone, all I can see is “Hey Beautiful……… Don’t hate me” I think fucking hell, I knew he was going to bail. I fucking knew it… Ok I have to read it to find out why & I also know I have to respond carefully. “I can’t go anywhere… my transmission is fucked in my car… I literally just went to leave work & I can’t fucking move it… I’m heaps sorry I really wanted to come see you tonight.” FUCKING HELL… I just knew he was going to bail, I just knew it… This guy clearly isn’t in to me! I’m flying out to Port Lincoln tomorrow morning & the next time I will see him will be Switch… If I wait till then I know I won’t have a good time, so I carefully word my response. “Oh no, that really sucks… Can I come see you after rope? We can just go for a drive in my car… I have to be at the airport at 8:00 am, so won’t be late…” He says that’s no problem & will be good to see me. I tell him I don’t mind that he lives north & that he doesn’t always have to come to my house, I can come to his – I mean I don’t really want to go inside or stay at his frat house, but I don’t always expect him to come to my side of town. Then I see him typing for ages… I try not to overthink what the fuck he writing. “TBH I didn’t even think of it. Because my housemates are here all the time & people (buying weed) come & go. Just not what I’d like to show you about my life… I feel it would scare you way too much too quickly….” Hmmm, maybe he is interested in me? He doesn’t want to scare me off… “I gotta admit… I’m kinda embarrassed about how I live ATM…” What does this guy think of me that he seriously think of me? As if I would be judgmental, I mean you just have to read this blog to know that I am never in a place to judge others! I tell him that I am not judgmental & couldn’t careless where he lives, but I need to talk to him face to face before I go away or my head will explode. He says he knows I’m not judgmental but its him being judgmental of himself – remind you of someone?! I’ve been here before with Noodle. But he says “Well yeah I definitely think we need to chat before you go away, haha I hope it doesn’t explode, that would be messy.” I make him send me his address before I walk into rope so that I am not preoccupied with him & if he’s going to bail out of this chat! He sends me his address & I relax – yaye for relaxed rope time…

#IBD4U

This guy is back again… This isn’t the first time Orbit has messaged me either, he had an account a few months ago but when I started chatting to him he told me it needed to be discreet as he was seeing someone. I tell him to fuck off & get off the chat app. I’m so sick of men finding someone else to be with, other than me but still talking to me, trying to fuck me! I didn’t speak to him again. So when he comes back this time, I almost don’t speak to him but I am chatting to no one when I start chatting to him again. He says that he’s single, I’m not 100% sure that’s true, but I have to take it at face value that he is.

But while sporadically talking to him, Noddy comes alone, then after my second date with Noddy, Orbit’s was messaging me asking where I am, I say that I’m on my way home & he says that I should pop over to his house. I seriously think that I am spending too much time thinking about Noddy that I should probably go fuck this guy, but when I say that I just got off the expressway at my exit (Which is also his exit if he takes the expressway) when he says “Bugger, I have the kid here… but she’s asleep, maybe tomorrow night? Or can do tonight” I tell him I’m not free tomorrow night & I just go home. That was probably a good idea.

He asks me several times again to see him & he invites me over on Thursday night. Things are going well with Noddy & I’ve told Noddy that I’m not chatting to anyone on the chat app for the purpose of a hook up, which he said he’s not either. I ask Orbit though, because I just don’t care “Oh really? Is this like last time when you said come over then when I said yes, you said you had your daughter & changed your mind?” he just replies that he won’t have her tomorrow night.

Orbit asks me at like 8:40 pm if I want to come over, even though things are weird with Noddy at the moment, I don’t want to jeopardise that, so I write back 2 hours later telling him that I just got home & I have to be up early. Oddly, he never opens the message. WTF?! Even all day the next day he doesn’t open it. Almost 24 hours later he says “Sorry didn’t see this, fell asleep on couch last night, what are you up too” (Yes, that’s a quote, with the missing words like that!) I decide that I’ve put too much pressure on Noddy so I should go fuck this guy – What am I thinking!? I tell him I can’t stay long knowing I have to get up early for work on Saturday morning. When he says “I don’t have any condoms, do you have any?” Fucking hell, who invites someone over 2 nights in a row & doesn’t have condoms. Men are so bloody stupid! I have no idea how the race has survived so long – well probably because they don’t have condoms. Luckily I have some. So put them in my pocket. He offers to come to my house, but I don’t think I want him in my bed, I will save that at least for Noddy.

I don’t really remember the first time I had sex with Orbit to be honest, I mean I remember him being a bit too submissive for me but it wasn’t that memorable or maybe because it made me realise what feelings I had for Noodle, that I blocked it?

Yes, I must have blocked it! Fucking hell that was terrible… Notorious Sir was the worst sex I’ve had to date but at least he turned me on… This is shocking, how can this guy Orbit, think this is good.

Ok, so I get there & we kiss in the doorway, I try to move my head to move sides & also get his tongue out of my mouth with some pecks on the lips, but it’s like he is giving me mouth to mouth resuscitation with his tongue in my mouth not moving, like a dead fish. If the kissing is bad, the sex always will be… But was it this bad the first time I fucked him?!

The only way to pull away is to walk into his bedroom & take off my jacket, he pulls me on top of him awkwardly on to the bed. We kiss again before he takes off my top & then tries to take off my bra with one hand. I try to be cheeky & giggle along saying “That’s so sexy when you rustle around back there trying to undo it” He doesn’t really reciprocate with banter, he’s so serious, he strips off so he’s naked – Bam! & so I set about getting my boots & jeans off, he then lays on top of me & kisses me again, suffocating me, I try to move my head to catch a breath but he won’t let me move my head or come up for air. This is not in a sexy way that I like, this is like he’s trying to consume me!

He then starts sliding down my body, taking off my panties & settling between my legs. I try to relax, thinking this will be better. But OMG this doesn’t get any better. He isn’t actually close to where my clit is, I think he’s a little lost or maybe he’s doing something else, I don’t know but he’s not doing anything that feels good… He seems to not be licking or sucking anything that’s pleasurable, no matter how much I move to try to get him to actually focus on my clit he somehow goes back to wherever he is… He also seems to think that motorboating my vagina is a turn on, with his stubbly beard, it doesn’t feel good! Then he gets his fingers involved, ok well maybe this will be better… NOPE! He slips in 2 fingers & rams them into me over & over so much so that it’s uncomfortable, also while motorboating the area that he thinks is my clit with his scratchy beard. I end up kicking him off so that we can fuck, maybe that will be better. Boy, why do I keep giving this guy the benefit of the doubt? If you’re a bad kisser, generally you’re bad at sex!

He kisses me again, I’m unable to breathe or move, so much so that my jaw starts hurting (remembering I have lock jaw issues), why doesn’t this guy ever let me breathe. He reaches over for the condom, which he lays down flat on the bed next to me & rolls it on, I lay there waiting for the next move when he pulls me up on to his lap. I reach between my legs to help guide his cock into me but discover that it’s not that hard… WTF?! He thrusts against me, obviously to try to get harder, I don’t think he’s that hard when he slides inside me, it takes a few extra thrusts for me to feel it rather than a soft sausage trying to enter me. I kiss him & when I want to get away I try to kiss his neck but it doesn’t seem to be wanted, he turns his head back to my lips, so I stop.

He then has me straddling him, his arms are by his side & he starts thrusting in a way I’ve never been fucked before, I actually have to check because I think he’s having a seizure. He keeps going like that & I just sort of lay against his chest wishing for it to be over, wishing I never came over. His hands are by his side & he’s literally fucking me like he is having a fit. As soon as he cums, I give him a quick peck & get off him. I lay there for a second & think this is fucking awkward, so I sit up & start getting dressed. He gets dressed too & I give him another quick peck on the lips as I say good bye. Fuck, what the fuck was that! I hate myself… My massage therapist told me not to do it, she knew it wouldn’t be good… But I did & now I regret it. There will be no number #3 for this guy, even if he messages me.

To give you an update, he did message me several times after that. In the end after trying to ignore & ghost him, I decide that’s not who I want to be, I decide that he deserves a reply. “Hey. I don’t want to ghost you but I don’t think we should see each other again… Hope you find what you’re looking for!” He reads it & replies 6 days later… “Hello… Wow that was a little unexpected.” Really? I have ignored 7 messages over the course of a month from him, was it really that unexpected?!

#IBD4U

The next day, I expect that when I look at my phone there will be a good morning message, but there’s nothing from Noddy. Righto. I’m stubborn as fuck so I refuse to message him hello. About an hour into work, I look in the group & he’s chatting, sharing pics of a car accident he had this morning on the way to work… But he still doesn’t message me… I think WTF… Why wouldn’t he message me that? Wouldn’t he want me to know? The person that he’s seeing!? (Casual or not, why wouldn’t he want to tell me?!) I talk to J-lo about it, he tells me not to be stubborn & say that I saw the crash in the group & I hope he’s ok. But I feel like Noddy is messaging the group first so I can’t get angry about him bailing on seeing me tonight, which makes me sad that he’s going to bail again but of course I’m not going to be a mole when the dude has crashed his car. I hate that I again have to make the effort, but the poor guy did just crash his car.

So I follow J-Lo’s advice, asking also if there is anything I can do, he says “No beautiful, but thanks for offering” we chat & things seem normal. Later than night we are chatting still, he never mentions coming over & I don’t say anything either as I don’t want to hear an excuse for why he can’t. We end up playing truth or dare again, he chooses truth, so I ask him what was his first impression of me. “Well my first impression online was you were really shy & were absolutely stunning & I wanted to have you… First impression when meeting you was, wow she’s tiny. Good. Fuck I hope this goes well. Exact thoughts.” Interesting that he thought I was shy… I guess that’s my guard up when I meet someone. I can’t help it but not want to show the true me… Every time I have, I get hurt…

He dares me to send a video of me fucking myself with a vibe saying Noddy, so I do – easy one. Hahaha. We also chat in the groups & people ask if we’re physically together right now, I say no, he sends the group a pic, so I do too, saying it’s lonely in my big bed…

The next day Noddy sends me a picture of him & I notice that he’s wearing my jumper that he’s supposed to give me. He says that he didn’t think I would notice, but I did, he said he’s put it on to make it smell like him, being that I said the only reason a chick ever wants a dudes hoodie is because it smells like him. Still no mention of catching up, (I thought he says that to me once that he’d always reschedule?) but he’s sore form the car accident & I don’t think his car is 100%. I also admit to him after he sent me a picture where he looks hot as fuck – he has a trimmed full beard (which I usually don’t like, but it makes him look older, when I tell him that I really like that picture, he tells me that he’ll have to grow his beard back & I agree), that I’ve saved a few pictures of his & that I have a folder called Noddy… Probably a bit creepy but he says “That’s cute as fuck,” but upon reflection, I wish I never told him that!

The next day I initiate the conversation again, I seem to be doing that a lot with this guy, very unlike me. But I figure he hasn’t dated a lot in recent years so needs to help. But by the end of the day I’m on my way to my massage when we’re chatting about him pleasuring me & I say “I wouldn’t ever be concerned about that.” knowing that he’s so good in bed that I’ll never have to worry about that. He says “Whats up hun, talk to me” but I say nothing is up & walk into the massage. As I lay there spilling the beans to my massage lady about him, she says “Whoa maybe you’re coming on a little strong, it’s only been a few weeks” I ask her what she means because I have wondered the same, but am not 100% how’s she’s picked up on it. She says she can’t explain it, so I change the topic & think about it while being massaged.

Once done, he has read my reply but not messaged back. I think not this old fucking chestnut. So I write to him to tell him I just finished my massage but I also ask why he thinks something is up. He says that because I had concerns. I explain that I actually was saying that him pleasuring me wouldn’t ever be a concern. He says “Ah Fuck, I read it wrong haha. Still have to ask if you were all good though” I tell him this is why I hate text messaging & think that it was actually our issue on Monday night after rope too. He agrees, I try to explain this is why I didn’t want to chat about Monday night over text & was waiting to have a conversation with him face to face when we catch up – cos I still don’t know what happened, why did he change his mind so rapidly?

He tells me that he didn’t reply because he didn’t know what to say & he can be a dick sometimes but I explain that if we’re going to be kinky we need to have open, honest, communication even if it hurts. I mean I need to trust him to stop if I safe word him, but also he needs to know that I will safe word if I need too or he could potentially really hurt me. We finally start chatting like normal again. He says “Everything about you fascinates him about me. Not just the toys but the kink side, the professional, family, a lot actually” I fascinate him… Really? I don’t think anyone has called me fascinating before… I ask what he means & he says “The fact you can do all of it & still be sane is what fascinates me the most haha” he also knows I write, but not that I write a blog, he asks me to show him something I’ve written next time he’s over (When will that be dude?! Hahaha) but I say I’d be too shy to show him if he’s there, so I send him 2 of my erotica stories, when he begs me for something of mine to read. He tells me I’m a good writer & that he likes what I wrote. He tells me that because I was so shy about sharing it that he was worried it wouldn’t be that good… But he’s says it’s fucking hot… This I already knew! Hahaha. I ask him if he’s ever going to share his song with me, I am also in the same boat, what if it’s shit & I have to pretend that it’s good. Hahaha. I am dying to hear it I know he’s shared it with others, I kind of hate that he has but not with me… Jealous again… FUCK! He emails it to me & fuck, it’s actually good. I really like it, the lyrics are very raw, real & honest about his recent breakup & suicide attempt that it’s actually difficult to hear, mainly I think because I know him.

The next day I message him first but he reads it almost immediately, but doesn’t write back for hours. I don’t know what to say but then we start chatting, he tells me that he’s read my 2 erotica stories a few times when I admit to him that I listened to his song a couple of times in the car too. He sends me a work selfie & his dick when I say that reading the erotica is not helping, I send him the rest for him to read & he says that he’s been picturing him & I as he reads it, even though he knows that it was written well before him, he imagines us. Fuck that’s hot & maybe I’ll get these fantasies lived out as I wrote them? He talks me into sharing some of my writing with him when we catch up next, it actually forces me to start looking at previous stuff I’ve written, knowing I can’t send him stuff from my blog, which is my main writing now. I usually tell guys that I wrote freelance for another blog, pieces on travel, love, beauty & money. Hahaha… Not completely untrue. I do write about all those things to you guys! But also part of the reason I have decided to drop the guest blog on Wednesday & focus on some other writing too.

Friday night, still no plans to see him (I thought he said in our first conversation that he won’t stand a woman up & will rearrange things to fit it in?! I’m hating that I did let my guard down with this guy… Stupidly the first guy since Noodle that I have done that with & now look where I am…), it’s now been over a week since we have seen each other, I know that’s not very long but I don’t think seeing someone weekly is an unreasonable request. He messages me to ask what I’m doing & sends me a picture where he looks ridiculously stoned & says that he’s writing songs. He sends me a video of a song that’s pretty good even though he says it’s supposed to be a joke. I say that not everything needs to be recorded, but it’s good to have back up stuff & say I do that with my writing, he says “Yeah it’s a good idea, at least that way you will have something when you have nothing… Make hay while the sun shines…” I say “Yeah definitely.” But he reads it & never replies. I get home & should go to bed, but I don’t… See next post, however after that, I get into bed & go to sleep.

The next day, I figure I need to back off – clearly I am more into him than he is into me, I won’t message him first… I go to work on a Saturday morning & get my hair done, chatting in the group but never saying hello to him. By 11:00 pm that Saturday night I am crest fallen that he hasn’t messaged me first & the only thing I can think is that stupid book ‘He’s just not that into you.’ Noddy had been telling me all week & basically for the last month, all the time how much he likes me, how gorgeous he thinks I am, what he wants to do with me, all the we things that we’ll do but why the sudden change of heart? This will be the first day that we haven’t chatted since I messaged him in the beginning… I hate that he’s breaking this statistic…

Has he decided to go back to his ex? I can’t help but wonder also if he’s keen on Demon? I know they’re good friends… I hate this… I finally let down my guard with someone then they pull away, why do guys do that? Try to break down the walls so persistently, then when they do, they don’t like what they see!?

#IBD4U