I am serious about proper dating now. No more hook ups, no more FWB, no more married guys… Yes, new me! New profile (yet again) on a different website that I haven’t used for ages that I know Noodle, Max or Crows won’t be on – well I hope they aren’t, will kill me if I see Noodle or Crows at this point online trolling for women.

I only add men who have a profile picture & who are in my state – as so many from interstate try to add me, I do not want a penpal, I only add guys that I like the look of their pictures too & of course then I look at what they write in their profile as some are ridiculous. I get a lot of men trying to add me, there aren’t many I add back – maybe I’m too fussy as people have told me in the past, but maybe I don’t want to settle with someone I am not attracted too?! The ones that I do actually add to my account, barely chat to me & then I delete them a few days later. What a great way to start the new me…

After not having sex for 3 weeks – I know this seems like nothing to some people in relationships or even single people, but for me, that’s the longest I’ve gone in 2 years without sex. I know that I have gone 4 years without sex after the whole thing with Travel Agent, so 3 weeks should be nothing, but it is… I hate it, I hate thinking about the sex that Noodle is having, what he might be doing… It’s fucked! All I can say, is thank god I invested wisely on rechargeable bed side table friends because otherwise I think energizer would be making a killing from me! (Tip for buying vibrators, get rechargeable or ones that plug in! ALWAYS!)

I chat to a guy for a few days, he asks the dreaded question “What are you looking for?” I thought that was obvious from my profile, I had laid it all out there for them to read, I’m a not looking for a FWB or one night stand. I am being serious abut finding a partner. However, this guys still asks what I am looking for, I practically roll my eyes at the questions but I explain that I’m looking for a partner – I add that I know that this takes time to evolve, but I am not looking for just hoot ups etc & he says he’s not looking for the same thing. I go to delete him but for some reason I decide not to… This is another lesson in trusting my gut! Why don’t I trust my gut, is it because my heart is so lonely that I just ignore every warning sign ever?

One night a friend bails on me for drinks at my house, I’ve done a million things at home lately & am bored sitting in bed chatting online – this is never a good idea to be honest, loneliness & late night online dating… When this guy comes online so I ask “What are you up too?”, he says nothing but asks what do I want & I say “sex”. This guy is on a different page to me, we don’t want the same things, but I am trying to fill a void here… Fuck I hate that I am doing that, that I am trolling online again for another guy when all I want is Noodle, all I think about is Noodle… FUCK!!! I chat to this guy for a while & I don’t really understand why this guy hasn’t asked for my address yet, being he just wants a fuck too & I wonder why he’s not in his car coming to fuck me. An offer of no strings should have the guy running… He sends a pic of his cock, ok so it’s a nice cock, but dick pics don’t do a great deal for me from a random stranger.

We chat & chat some more, I’m thinking that maybe this guy isn’t interested or just wants a penpal?! Who the fuck knows with these men these days… He doesn’t ask for my address, so I finally think that I’ll just give it to him, but just as I go to type it out, he asks for a picture of my tits. Now I’m not opposed to sending pictures obviously however not to some random weirdo that I haven’t even met or trust. Who knows what they’ll do with them or who they’ll show them too. I also have a pic on my face, body & part of my boobs in a top that you can see how good they look on the app, so he doesn’t need a picture of them now. However, I say I don’t send pics then he never responds to me again. EVER! I send him another message but he doesn’t respond either. He’s still online, I can see the green dot. Another 10 minute go by, nothing, I message again & get nothing so I just delete him…

OMG, I feel like shit… Now I can’t even get a dude who wants a fuck buddy to come fuck me on a Friday night when I am bored. What has happened to me! I start thinking (Well I never stop to be honest) about Noodle fucking his partner – having wild sex with her or even worse marrying her & I feel even fucking shit! When will I stop thinking about him? It’s only been a few months, but fucking hell! I hate this feeling…

#IBD4U

I didn’t think this blog would generate its own blog post, but it has! After I ended with Noodle but before we stopped officially talking, my friend J-Lo helped me get back into writing & focusing on getting my story out there, which I did – obviously. Not because of Noodle, but because I enjoy writing, he was trying to get me to do things I like again… But I didn’t want people to know who I am, I shared it once on my personal Facebook page (remember that, this is something suspicious thing to note for future blogs! -Oooooh Intrigue!) & told a few friends but that was all. But how do I get followers & people to read my stories? Well, I pay for some Facebook advertising to get the blog out there – it’s worked, lots of you are reading because of the advert… Others have found me through friends of friends. Most of you don’t actually know who I am, but a lot of you do too… I am thankful for both (& all the comments of support from those who don’t know me, it means a lot from both, but I love it when it’s from people who don’t know me at all!) I am always so excited when people I don’t know comment, like & share posts. It is even more exciting when people I don’t know write me messages about how relateable this is, how they have or are going through something similar or even some people that have been with their partner forever & they enjoy living vicariously through me. (Probably making them a much better partner as they don’t want them to leave them & have to deal with fucking dating! Hahaha)

So when the blog started getting popular about a year & a bit ago, I notice a guy liking a lot of posts & commenting on a lot too & eventually he writes me a message just to say how relatable it is, even as a guy & how much he enjoyed the stories from a woman’s perspective. I reply to the messages thinking nothing of it, when he says we probably would get kicked out of a coffee shop for the stories we could tell. I say it would have to be a cocktail. He says we should meet up & before I know it, I’m giving him my availability for the next few weekends.

He also wrote a few blogs for me too, which is stuff that hasn’t happened to me, such as Liza or The Animal. So I enjoy reading his stories & posting them for him. I miss the guest blogs, so get writing people! I can’t be the only one out here sharing all my secrets! I have a lot of friends that want me to do a podcast because they don’t have time to read. I don’t just want it to be me reading my blogs out so I’ve been discussing options for ages with my friend about what a podcast would look like. I have been looking for a guy for a trio & a male perspective on what these men think in my stories, not that the guy will know for sure but at least we can have his perspective. He sounds interested in being part of this, so I explain to him that this meeting will be like an interview being that I am not really interested in him & I also am still recovering from a shattered heart. It hasn’t been long since the very end of Noodle. I don’t want to tell him that though because I don’t want to spoil the story, I don’t even think I was posting about Noodle at the time when I met this guy… Why am I always so far behind in this blog?! I am catching up, I promise.

Before we meet I ask if he actually wants to see a picture of what I look like & actually know my name, he says either way but might be fun if I don’t show myself or tell him. I give him the opportunity to guess my name & I say that he can do anything he wants to me if he can guess my name. Those of you who know my name understand the difficulty, I told him what letter is started with but about a whole lot of wrong guesses & him running out of ideas, he gave up… No one would ever just randomly guess my name, while I was born in Adelaide to caucasian parents, they chose a unusual name for me & one other sibling. Guess he has to wait to see who I really am. I, of course, can see everyone on my page & could see his name & what he looked like. Eventually the next day after giving him some massive hints, he guessed my name but it was too late, he’d miss out on doing anything he liked to me. Hahaha.

We meet for a drink Saturday afternoon, I messaged to say I was on my way, he said he was already there. I walked up to him & couldn’t gauge what he thought of me – as in what I look like. But we sat & chatted like old friends, it was quite easy to talk too, he’s quite touchy – like my leg & he grabs my hand when I’m flicking it around, I’m a bit of a hand talker. We talk for ages but we both have some where to go so we leave. It’s like 6:00 pm & the sun is still shining yet he walks me to my car, it’s a little awkward but I kiss his cheek & we have a long hug before I say goodbye.

You all know I won’t message first, he also knows that from my blog, so he does, what a good lad. We message again most of the day for another week. I wasn’t really interested in him in a sexual way or as a potential partner, but I think he might be alright for the podcast.  I invite him to an event with a friend but he says that he has no money but will come in & pick us up if we give him petrol money. I don’t really know what the deal is here, will he stay at my house, is he expecting sex? I mean we live on opposite ends of Adelaide so it’s not a short drive – he’s not going to pick us up & go home, surely? But I am not sure I want to have sex with this guy if I want to start a business partnership with him though the blog & podcast.

He picks us up & drops us back to my place, I invite him in. I pour us all some wine, I don’t need it to be perfectly honest. When my friend goes to bed, we end up kissing & I straddle his lap taking off my top… This is not a good idea. We end up going into the bedroom, we’re kissing in bed, I’m down to just wearing my underwear when he says that he needs to go to the toilet. By the time he gets back, which isn’t long, I am asleep… Yes I fucking fell asleep. I wake up the next day a bit disorientated, there is a man in my bed & I’m semi naked but know that I haven’t had sex…He gets up & leaves, I have to transfer him money for petrol as I don’t have cash. We chat a few times after that night, but it dwindles off & he also stops liking & commenting on my Facebook blog posts, so I don’t really know what happened there – Assuming he got a girlfriend, he was trying harder than I was to date seriously… I didn’t put in a lot of effort to be honest either, I mean I did break my rules & message first sometimes, but I have also been told, if a man wants you, he’ll do anything he can to have you… But I am broken hearted, I probably shouldn’t have even kissed this poor guy to be honest. I never got the podcast thing off the ground either actually, I probably should look at doing that. My friend doesn’t want to do it with me because she thinks we’ll fight – she did a lot of planning work but then got busy with her own stuff too so maybe two of my readers want to do it with me? I am thinking another woman & a dude… Any takers? Hahaha…

#IBD4U

I was intrigued while I am with Milky, Max & Noodle to have someone tie me properly in rope, but none of them were very good with rope as in proper knots & suspension – or at least they never uses those skills with me.

I was asked to go to a rope night with a chick from the chat app. I decided to go, who knows I might just make some friends & have a good time. Again, just trying to fill a void, fill a night with something I can do & hopefully I won’t think about Noodle… I forgot about the night until a chick in the group asked if I was going, I had a friend from work following me home to get ready for the gym – she was starting at my gym so I was going with her to a class (my gym instructor will be happy that I prioritised the gym this time instead of skipping it for a dude! Hahaha…) I went to the gym & raced back down the hill to the rope lesson.

I wasn’t sure what to expect because I hadn’t really talked much about it, but they said I could go on my own & I’d be partnered with someone. I tried not to be nervous but I am freaking out… What would this place look like, what would the people be like? I met my friend outside (which was also the first time I had met her & her husband face to face) & as I was a little late because of the gym, I was ushered into the room. The girl I know introduces me to her husband & also another guy from the chat group who is one of the rope teachers.

There is scaffolding type structures around & chairs, wasn’t what I was picturing at all but also kind of matched what I did picture, if that makes sense. It’s just like a hall really, everyone seemed friendly. I learn that the people tying are called Riggers or tops & the people being tied are called a Bunny or bottoms.

The newbies all get put into a corner of the room & the teacher guy pairs us off for those that aren’t a couple. There’s a guy more my type & a geekier looking guy plus 2 other chicks, one stunning & one average. The teacher keeps the stunning one for himself, puts the average one with the guy & pairs me with the geeky one. I automatically feel weird about this. How am I going to let this guy tie me?

He introduces himself & he has the same name as Boyfriend, so that also puts me off. Hahaha, poor guy! The teacher shows us a knot & the guy asks for my consent, if he can tie my wrist, he ties a few up my arms & then get another piece of rope & goes higher. It actually feels pretty good & I really like it, but I feel a bit weird with someone I don’t know tying me up. However I am not restrained completely & I feel safe in this space. My friends are over in another area so I can’t really talk to them.

The teacher shows us another type of knot & tying, but my rigger just tries the same ties up my arms again. The teacher asks what he’s doing but he says he’s trying to work out this knot. I just stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do, with my arm out, not only is this guy my height, a little geeky & talks so quiet I can barely hear him & he’s only centimeters away from me.

After he ties the second knot, he decides he needs a smoke & the toilet. He puts on his jacket & picks up his backpack like he’s leaving. I stand around awkwardly while the teacher is tying the stunning girl in an awesome looking tie, he says he has to leave early but otherwise he’d tie me the same just so I can experience it. It really makes me wish I had a rigger partner, because I feel like a loser.

The girl I met there called over the guy we know from the chat app & asked him to the do the tie on me, he said ok, but since he was teaching his group of intermediate people, he took me over to them & as he was about to start on the beginner tie, one of his students asked about a suspension tie, so the teacher asked if he could do it on me. I thought, now we’re talking! Yes please.

He asks me to put my hands on my head but then start tying them up, and ends up tying me to the scaffolding then starts tying around my waist & chest, showing everyone what they need to do. I felt amazing. I loved being the teachers bunny (for lack of a better word!)

He unties that & then ties my hands behind my back in the beginner knot (that I have no idea what the names are), he does it quickly & swiftly that I feel comfortable & not at all weird, like I did with the other beginner.

My friend takes some photos & sends them to me, which I adore – this was much more fun that I was expecting, I did feel a little awkward but I do enjoy it mostly. He unties me but then his student asks for a leg tie, which the teacher demonstrates on me again. I didn’t think I would like being centre of attention, but apparently I do. I thought I would feel self conscious but I didn’t. I actually enjoyed the evening & while I do wish Noodle was here with me, I know again he would hate this & would feel stupid if he couldn’t get the tie, but if I am at anything like this, I want to be with him.

I realise that how much I am a rope bunny & wish that I had a rigger partner to keep coming back to these classes – which makes me miss Noodle even more… I know you all think I’m stupid for wanting him still, but when you feel that kind of connection with someone, it’s hard to shut off. I think I will end up liking going to rope classes – finally a moment of sort of being happy after months & months of doom & gloom, but I am just concerned about going again & being paired with someone awkward.

#IBD4U

The second of the three men I encountered at the Play Party, found me on the chat app & talked to me every day, basically just asking me to hook up with him again. I kept kind of ignoring him for a few hours, trying not to be so available as I’ve been told I am but when I go to write back to him, I realise that he’s deleted his account. Rightio. Fucking idiot!

I go to CheeseFest the next weekend with some friends only to see him standing at the next stall. I turn away & tell my friend that he was one of the guys from the play party. I turn away trying to not let him see me, but I saw as we walked past that he tapped his friend on the shoulder & pointed me out. We didn’t speak, I wasn’t that keen anyway, so what did it matter.

Now my name on FB is not my full real name (mainly because I know that Noodle’s partner will be trying to find me) & my profile picture is a cartoon but also so clients at work can’t find me, because they tend to use it as a way to contact me. I have a work mobile, email, desk phone & fax, they don’t need my personal FB page to contact me too.

Anyway, this guy finds me on FB & messages me to say he likes my profile picture. I ignore it. Later that night he creates a new chat app account & messages me on that saying he saw me at CheeseFest. I stupidly write back, but with Crows being a weirdo, I don’t have anyone else I’m fucking so maybe this could be something more than just a fuck buddy? I decide to “give him a go” – OMG I can’t believe I even said that to myself.

I write back to him say that he should’ve said hello at Cheesefest, he said he didn’t want to embarrass me as he wasn’t sure if my friends knew about the play party or not, which one did & I told the other one later in the day so wouldn’t have mattered. But he still could’ve said hello if he wanted too… However he asked to see me that night, I said I was too tired (OMG there’s a sign I’m not keen… I was never too tired for Noodle – ever! Even at 5am!) & maybe could see him before I go away for work the following week.

He comes over Monday night as I am packing to go away for the week, we sit & chat for a bit before he says we’re sitting too far apart. Next minute we’re kissing & I’m sitting on his lap. He asks where the bedroom is & starts to get up, I try to get off his lap but he acts like he’s going to carry me. Hell no! hahaha. Why do men always try to carry me? I’ve had that happen a couple of times, even Noodle tried too once. I take him to the bedroom; we kiss & undress & fool around. We find a condom & he switches positions before I can even feel him. I start kissing his neck which he is quite vocal about how good that feels, so I keep doing it. He asks me to bite him & give him a hickey, so I suck hard, making sure it’s high up so he’ll have to explain it tomorrow. Hahaha… I don’t think I’ve ever given hickey before?

After we’re done, he lays around for a while just chatting & what not. I am keen for him to go, but find it hard to tell him too. When he leaves, I jump into bed & look at phone at the chat app, he’s left the group again, no worries, he has my details. But then I realise that he’s probably deleted his account completely again, so I check & he has! Complete delete… WTF?! He basically deleted his account completely in my driveway!

He creates a new account a few weeks later, messaging me & joining my groups while I ignore him. He deletes those I assume & creates another a week later messaging me. Trying one more time, he finds me on a dating site & likes my profile but I ignore him. Like seriously dude…!

A month or so later he is still deleting & creating new accounts, each one he messages me on. He even adds me on the online dating app I use for another short time. I ignore that too. By the time he gets to his 6^th account, he writes ‘Hey #IBDFU, its Play party guy here, we met at the party & came to your place, how have you been?’ I am not going to reply, but he stays in my group, so I remove him from it, then he messages to ask why I removed him. I again decide that I am not going to write back but as I think about it over & over, I get angrier & angrier, so I decide to write back “Are you actually kidding me? You basically delete your account in my driveway then you keep creating new ones to talk to me… You’re an actual fuckwit. As if I would ever go there again”. He reads it almost instantly but never responds… A friend thought it would get him thinking, but I doubt he is that capable of self-reflecting his behavior. I never hear from him again at all… I never even see him around the chat app again either to be honest. Unless he’s stopped using his name? I’m not sure & I don’t even care.

I consider contacting the guy who runs the play parties to ask him to let me know if this fuckboy is going to be at a party that I am at, however I just let it go – I’m not sure if I’ll ever go again to be honest. I’m pretty sure I could get him banned as single women are much more sought after for those parties than a single man. But I let it go. This is just another reason why I will never get over Noodle. If this is the type of guy out there, no wonder I got so caught up with Noodle… No relationship is perfect, Noodle treated me poorly but I miss what we had… I mean there were obviously other reasons I fell in love with Noodle, but this hurts like fucking hell being dicked around by awful men I am not even interested in!!

#IBD4U

So with Crows MIA, no Noodle to speak of, I have no one to have sex with & I’m still too hurt to be looking for a proper relationship online or otherwise, so I message Flaccid (OMG what is wrong with me!? Heartbreak will do weird things to you…), who’s been messaging incessantly lately just to say hi – he’s back from the UK & single (I guess). So I invite him over being that the second time with him was better. He says he’s free but has no car, I say catch an Uber or Taxi & I’ll drop him home later, so then he says he’s busy & been drinking. Whatever dude! So I think fuck you & give up on him. I chat in some groups of just random Adelaide people on the chat apps, when one dude says to come to swingers type play party with him. I don’t entertain the idea because I don’t know who this guy is (let’s call him LJ), he’s new to the chat app group, however, I private message him to get some information, especially since it seems I’ll never go with Crows like we’d planned.

LJ says he’ll call me, which I hate but I decide to let him call especially with the nature of what I am considering, a phone call is probably the best way for me to get a gut instinct. So we chat for 20 minutes & I feel at ease with him, that before I know it I am saying that I’ll meet him at my local pub. He says he’ll come pick me up, but I decide to get an uber to the pub to meet him instead, after all I don’t know what this guy even looks like. I don’t want him to meet me at my house. So I spend a long time getting ready, having talked to LJ about what to wear to the party, he says whatever I feel comfortable in, so I wear my outfit that I wore to Hip Hop because I look good & feel good in it. I figure it’s easy to get on & off but I am doubting ill find anyone there to fuck anyway!

I get to the local watering hole & I have no idea what he looks like so I message him & tell him that I am at the bar. He sees me & comes over. He seems nice & we get along eaaily. He’s not my type physically & he’s a little older, probably shorter than me since I’m in heels but he seems nice enough anyway, but like he said I don’t have to play with him (fuck him), he’ll just take me & I can do what I want. He’ll show me around & introduce me to some people who run it & then I can see how I go. He says he’ll drop me home if I want too but I just say we’ll see what happens. I am not sure how long I am going to stay at this thing to be honest. I have this idea about what a play party is like, I am picturing old overweight men, balding & sleezy – twirling their mustaches. I am picturing older women too, no one my age & don’t think that I will even find anyone there to have sex with to be perfectly honest!

We have a couple of drinks at my local shithole bar – which is the opposite end of the universe for him & then we drive down to the drive though the bottle shop to get some drinks then head to the party.

He pays for my entry which I think is $10, I’m not really sure. He shows me where to put the drinks, as they have a bar that has people recording your drinks as there was some problems apparently with drinks being stolen or spiked etc. I like that my drinks are safe with the bar people. LJ walks me around the house showing me what is available, there are 3 rooms with doors, an open room with 3 beds, a lounge room where people are watching porn, a spa outside, another room with a bathroom attached, a room with a sex swing & he shows me where the lockers are to put my stuff safely but other than that it’s just like a normal house. Too much like a normal house to be honest… It’s not at all what I was expecting.

I am petrified that Noodle will be at something like this, but I also know that he would hate it & probably wouldn’t come anyway, however I am not sure what he’s doing. It’s been a couple of months now since I ignored his last email. I think I know Noodle well enough to know that he wouldn’t go to this, but I also never thought that he would have a matching user name on the chat app with her, or with anyone. So maybe I didn’t know him at all…

I am also certain that he would judge me for being here, but at this point, I am just trying to get over him… I am trying new things, I am not going to sit at home & wallow in the fact that he’s swinging & doing fuck knows what… I am going to go out & live this life – who knows where it may lead me.

It’s cold & I’m wearing a skirt & singlet – stupid me for thinking late October is supposed to be hot in Adelaide, at the very least warm. So I go to stand by the outdoor gas heater, with my drink, not really sure what to do… I see LJ get in the spa & I don’t think that I can get in there as everyone is naked in there, so I just stand awkwardly by the heater, where I feel like I am swarmed by dudes. I guess I don’t need to do anything… I literally have a circle of men standing around me, of all different ages before I even know what is going on. I am mainly surprised that most of them are in my age bracket or younger. There are older men here & older women but I am so surprised at hoe many decent looking men my age are here.

One guy asks me if I want to go find a room with him & I agree, I am also surprised that I have agreed to fuck someone & found someone that I like the look of – especially so early in the night. We got into one of the rooms & they aren’t really what I think they’d be like. This is a guys house, he lives here, so there is boxes of crap in the corner with a sheet over it – I’m assuming to hide it. There are condoms, lube & tissues on the bedside table, a small bin & there are a pile of sheets in the corner as you’re expected to change the sheets afterwards (for obvious reasons). I fuck him & it’s ok, but it seriously reminds me of being at a high school party & being in a room with someone as there are people chatting normally outside the window & we’re inside the room fucking.

I go back out to the heater & am swarmed with men again, another guys asks me to fuck him, but I say no – he’s not my type. I get a drink & don’t really have to do a lot before I am asked by another guy to go to a room with him. This guy I have seen around the chat app comes up to me & asks me to go with him, I say yes & we have sex in the same room as I used with the last guy… I kind of feel a little weird about that to be honest. We have sex & also chat about the chat app too – how he knew me before I knew him.

There is a guy I like the look of the most, but he seems standoffish so he doesn’t approach me, when one other guy asks me to fuck him so I says yes & head into a different room with him. As we’re going in there, the second guy asks if he can join, but the guy I’m with says no. I see LJ laughing as we shut the door, as he saw the whole thing, the second guy asking for another go. Again, it’s ok sex, I mean the whole being in a weird room & with people chatting outside, it’s weird – I can’t relax.

I am surprised that I have a decent night, I am not sure it’s something I will go to on the regular, or if it’s something I enjoy. I mean I don’t feel great about myself to be honest, fucking three men in one night… But when you are trying to fill a void you will do anything to get there… I can’t turn to drugs & I am not really drinking a lot of alcohol as I haven’t eaten properly since May when my life went to shit.

The only person I want here with me tonight, is Noodle… Not that he would’ve come anyway or would we be here, we’d be at home probably fucking – he would’ve hated it – well the man I knew would’ve hated it. I mean our sex life would’ve been enough for both of us, so we wouldn’t have needed to go to a swingers party… But do you know what… Nothing helps fill this fucking void… I’ve fucked 8 men since Noodle (that’s not a good number! Jesus) & do you know what… None compare, none have helped me. None will ever compare to Noodle… FUCK… I want what I had with him, even if it was only part time, at least it was real, I feel so empty, so hollow & just because some guy stuck their cock in me, doesn’t mean I’m over Noodle… Not even in the slightest. I miss him like crazy, I miss my best friend.

I’m lonely as fuck & I hate it…

#IBD4U

After all the drama blows over with Noodle – well it’s not blown over, it’s only just stopped, I’ve stopped replying to his emails… It hurts with every heartbeat but I had to stop emailing him. As much as I don’t want too, I had too… I am distraught at this point & the only thing keeping me going is how much I love my work – it’s a consuming job & I put all my effort into that & I put all my heart into the gym.

One Saturday morning, about a month since I saw him last, Crows says he’s going to come over after work. I have fucked a few guys, not waiting around for this one, who is married still himself… Albeit, he says that he’s separated… If we believe him. This morning he decides he’s coming over, I actually have a baby shower to go to & he asks me what I’m going to wear. I send him a picture, at this point I weigh the lowest I have ever weighed, probably because I basically haven’t eaten since May – It’s October & I’m exercising like a maniac… I hope one day I will be over Noodle, but today isn’t that day. I am wearing a white lace skirt & black top with cute strappy heels, I look amazing, I send Crows a picture & I really can’t help but want Noodle to see how good I look today too, but obviously, we aren’t talking. Crows tells me that I look hot & that he doesn’t want me to wear panties. OMG… To a baby shower! Jesus… Can I do that?

I decide that this game will be fun, so I slide my panties down my leg & pack my bag to go to my friends house. On the way to the shower though Crows messages me, tells me to pull over & take a live picture for him of me without panties. I do as I’m told, I don’t want to waste time having to massage him when he’s here to fuck me.

During the baby shower, I am turned on the whole fucking time, this is not a good place to be turned on, but I am! I’m wearing a skirt & there is a slight breeze, I didn’t know I would be able to feel. I am oddly aware of the fact that I have no undies on & am constantly thinking, what if someone notices?! I feel so naughty.

Crows messages me though the baby shower & demands I go to the bathroom & take a picture so he knows I am not wearing underwear, which I do, this turns me on more & he sends me a picture of his cock protruding through his work pants. When he says that he’s almost finished work & will be on his way to my house, I make my excuses & head home to await his arrival. I want him to see me in this outfit, I am not sure why, but I do. I guess I want him to see me looking normal, not just in bed, naked.

I leave the front door open & let him know to just come in. He’s told me to get out some toys, the restraints, a butt plug & a vibrator. So I am in my bedroom with a beer, trying to find all those things, when he walks into my room & startles me. I walk over to him & he asks where his beer is with a cheeky grin so I offer mine, not wanting a punishment, so he has some of my beer & we kiss. He is wearing track pants & a t shirt with a baseball cap, odd attire for work, I think he’s an electrician or something? I don’t really know. We talked about it but I don’t remember. I am too caught up in my own drama to remember what he does or doesn’t do. I’m assuming everything he says would be a lie anyway.

We both get undressed & he ties me to the bed pretty quickly, he’s told me that he has a bit longer today but he still doesn’t have a lot of time. He goes down on me making me cum so hard & fast that I can’t even see straight afterwards. He uses the vibrator to make me cum again & also finds a toy to spank me with, hitting my tits with his hand & kissing me deeply. I love how rough he is with me.

Crows is the first guy ever (I know you might find this surprising) but he’s the first guy ever to rim me. He spends a lot of time on my butt… I don’t hate it, but I don’t rate it… I wonder if it’s because I am so conscious of what comes out of that hole that I can’t relax & enjoy it?! It was something Noodle & I discussed doing in the shower of the gym (but now his partner has done it for him – he doesn’t need me…) Crows then finds the butt plug & he lubes it up with how wet I am & slips it in my ass. He goes down on me again for a few minutes before kissing up my body where he slips on a condom & slides deep into me, kissing me & my nipples while I’m tied up that I am literally writhing around on the bed, I know that my hair is going to be a fucking birds nest, I am twisting & turning my head like a mad woman, trying to get away but totally loving this.

As he fucks me I am cumming again so hard, that I feel like the butt plus slips out & that makes me cum harder. He pulls out when he is almost done, rips off the condom & cums all over my tummy… Guys seem to like marking me with their cum. I wouldn’t just let anyone do it, but I have fucked this guy a while & he’s just been though the fucking STI scare, I’m surprised that he’s even talking to me still, I mean I’m not sure that I would keep seeing a guy with so much drama. But I guess he knows he can trust me because I never did anything bad to Noodle, when I had every opportunity to do so.

Once we’re done, Crows unties me & I sit up, I have a wall of mirrors because of the wardrobe doors & I catch a glimpse of my scarecrow hair & as I reach up to try to flatten it & say something about how ridiculous I look. He reaches over & tucks some stray strands behind my ear & says “You look beautiful.” FUCK! We kind of look at each other, but I look away first, not really knowing what to do. WTF was that moment…

He asks if he can have a shower & I get him a towel. I go to the bathroom then go back to my room to straighten the bed, clean up the toys & just sort out the disarray that my room is. I look around for the vibe, butt plug & restraints, I find everything but the butt plug. I look under the bed, I look under all the sheets, which I strip & get ready to wash. I pull everything apart & can’t find it. FUCK. I ask Crows when he gets out of the shower if he can see it, but he can’t find it either. WTF happened to it? I kind of give up looking for it because I want him to go so I can do the unthinkable & feel my butt.. Hahaha! (How embarrassing) When he leaves I go back to the bathroom but it definitely isn’t still inside me. I have no fucking idea what happened to it. I have visions of my nieces & nephews finding it somewhere so I look everywhere for the bloody thing but can’t find it at all… I message Crows a few days later to ask if he took it for a souvenir, but he says that he definitely doesn’t have it. I have no idea what the fuck happened to it… All I can think is that when I went to the bathroom after we fucked, it went in the toilet… To this day, 12 months later, I still don’t know what happened to that butt plug! Bahaha… Who loses a butt plug? Yep, I did…!

Crows & I talk a lot about the fact he wants to go to a swingers play party with me, but we never do. I talk to him about a fantasy of a bit of a gang bang type scenario where he would be in charge of a few men who could be there to use me as Crows allows. I always wanted a MFM with Noodle, but never got it, I thought that Noodle would be amazing in this scenario but obviously I am never going to get that… But I don’t see Crows again after that day where I lost the butt plug & the beautiful comment – not because I didn’t try but because Crows never reads my last message to him of me asking to see him when I got home from work that week. Right well I guess that’s over!? Fuck, that makes me more upset, at least he was filling a void, filling that hole (for lack of better word! Hahaha)

The morning of the Christmas pageant, I’m carrying my 2 year old niece, powering through the crowd to find my family who have saved us a place, when I see about 3 steps away from me, Crows – I just about practically walk into him! He’s standing there with some people but I don’t notice who, I just realise how close I am to him & I realise that my gut instinct was probably right, that he’s not as separated as he thinks/says he is. That’s why he’s been MIA, that’s why I haven’t seen him during his jury duty that he’s been doing (I did jury duty & did fuck all but play with my phone, not sure why he’s using it as excuse to not talk to me) – or heard from him at all.

I’m not entirely sure why a guy who is married, gets me to sleep with him on an ongoing basis & then he has the audacity to ghost me! Especially after everything he went through with me that I thought would send him running for the hills, such as the STI saga & the fact I couldn’t stop talking to him about Noodle… I’m actually surprised it went on this long – but it’s over now, I’m done with this guy, even if he was pretty hot…

I don’t do anything when I see him at the pageant. I look at him but I walk by, he’s so fucking lucky I am not crazy… Adelaide is so fucking small… In a crowd of hundreds of thousands & I run into the man who’s fucked me numerous times & then ghosted me…

About 9 months later, I’m chatting to Rob Rob & he commands me to message Crows, see if he’s still on the chat app. I think this is a dumb idea, I mean if the guy was interested then he would message me, right? I don’t do it though, oddly Rob Rob doesn’t have that hold on me anymore – I don’t do everything he tells me too.

But one night after a few wines, I am hitting send on a message to Crows asking if he’s still around. He doesn’t reply for ages but when he does he says that he wondered what happened to me. I tell him that he didn’t write back to my last message & I send him a screenshot of the chat, he says that he never got that message. I ask him if he saw me at the pageant & he says that he did, he was a bit worried I’d say something when I came so close. He saw me coming towards him, I didn’t see him till I was practically standing in front of him. He thanks me for not saying anything & that he trusts me. He tells me that his wife was in the pageant so she wasn’t around him.

We talk about catching up again because he is seriously the best head I’ve ever had & I keep thinking about it, he is going to come over in the morning, however I am going out that night & thinking that a guy might be coming home with me, so he comes over that afternoon for a very quick fuck. He tells me that he wants me naked, tied up with a vibe on my clit so I am wet & ready for him, he doesn’t have much time. He tells me to send a live video to him when I have the vibe on me.

He comes over & goes down on me quickly before slipping on a condom & fucking me hard & fast before he has to go. I never see him again at all after that, we barely talk too & when I try – several times – to chat to him he says he’s been busy blah blah blah. I fucking hate when men say they are busy, it’s so offensive, like I’m not busy too! It’s fucking rude! Fuck you Crows.

#IBD4U

I can feel this is drawing to a close with Noodle. He’s writing less & less to me but still every morning I wake up to find an email written that morning. I am not sure if it’s because he thinks I am trying to blackmail him or if he genuinely wants to talk to me, either way, I think I deserve this exchange even if he doesn’t.

I tell him that I did reply within 2 hours of his last message & then get shot down by him. I tell him that I don’t get notifications on some of those apps, so if he really wanted to get my attention, if it was really over, he would’ve text me! He would’ve tried harder, not just a couple of messages on a chat app he’s not even sure I’m using anymore.

“Just because I was the other woman, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve better from you. Men really underestimate the other woman a lot. I could’ve destroyed everything & probably still could if I wanted too… I did consider the circumstances & understand how hard it would’ve been but ghosting me didn’t make hate you.” I can’t even believe that he isn’t considering the circumstances for me or what I could be capable of. If the shoe was on the other foot & I was the partner & his partner was the other woman, I don’t think she’d show the restraint that I have shown him in the last 6 months! Hell, even the last 18 months while we were together.

“I can give you an answer to what I see in you, Noodle. The list is super easy for me, if it’s not easy for her, then I don’t know what she’s doing… No one cares if you can garden or a handyman…

• You ARE seriously the sexiest guy I’ve ever been with,
• You were loyal to me,
• You were honest with me, brutally so,
• I trusted you, inexplicably,
• Our banter – fuck we had good banter,
• How cute we were in chatting to me,
• How beautiful you think I am,
• You helped me lose weight,
• You lost weight, kept it off & enjoy the gym,
• Despite what you think, you are funny – you made me laugh often – if you didn’t, we would’ve been over long before. Sense of humor is #1 thing I need,
• We are so similar in so many ways – it was so hard for both of us to say we had feelings, I mean we even don’t say hello to people first,
• That you kept up your end of the deal with the #IBD4U vs Noodle agreement, surprised me that a douche would keep up with that deal,
• You excited me – you stirred something in me that I’ve never had with any other man,
• I loved your douche side – kept it exciting, but I also loved how insecure you were sometimes – I saw how sensitive you are,
• The chemistry we had,
• How jealous you got of me, when there was no need to be,
• The way we couldn’t keep our hands off each other,
• The way you kissed me,
• The way you made me feel like the sexiest woman you’d ever seen,
• The way we fit together,
• The way you smell,
• How you’d use listerine every time you saw me,
• The way you brought my sexual fantasies to life,
• After seeing you with your kids I fell in love with you a bit more,
• How dedicated to your work you are,
• That we both aren’t huggers, but always wanted to hug each other,
• How supportive you were of my work & study,
• Even though it wasn’t confirmed when I saw you last, I knew you were proud of me that I was buying an investment property
• But most of all, you love me & I love you.”

I know that he won’t really read this list but he won’t really take it in, I am 100% sure that he will read it but not understand what I am saying because of his low self-esteem.

He still doesn’t get me either, I mean I am great with kids, I have kids toys all throughout my house for the nieces & nephews. I even have a tattoo with the nieces & nephews initials, so I mean I would’ve loved to have his kids live with me. I was excited about it. He told me that no one had mentioned me to her on the chat app, so at least while she was talking about me to friend & a guy that I am fucking, at least they respect me enough not to talk about me.

I tell him that my Facebook name is no longer my real name & my whole Facebook is private anyway so she can’t see me. I am now also in hiding with a bitmoji up as my profile picture. I assume that she was looking for my fake name he gave her in the beginning anyway, but now she has my real name, I am in hiding.

I remind him that my self esteem issues run deep too, that it took me a while to send pictures in the groups & that it took me a while to not shake in front of him when I am naked or wearing lingerie. Right now I am the skinniest I have ever been, I have amazing hair extensions in, I look the best I have every looked & I have no confidence at all.

“I won’t keep emailing you forever, of course, but it has been healthy for me to get some of this off my chest & actually get a reply from you. I do miss you every day, I do love you more than I should or want too. I only ever held back the extent of my feelings for you, knowing I was the other woman & that I would be discarded when it ended, that I didn’t want to be that completely vulnerable with you.” I need to stop emailing him but I also need to get this out… However I’m sure that he’s not actually reading my words… He’s not in the frame of mind to be understanding what I am saying to him.

He replies telling me that he checked a few times that night & there was no reply from me, well bullshit because I have screenshots with times. He says that Sweetie made it clear I was over him & he convinced himself that I was too so he wasn’t going to try hard. Well maybe not, but he could’ve text me.

He says that he doesn’t look sad in his pictures, he just doesn’t smile in his photos. He tried to make a joke about the list & how the first night I had garlic breath, but he uses listerine with me every time. He says that he’s not funny, yet he just made me laugh with that comment. I want to punch him in the face when he says “Pretty much cos I made you feel sexy it made me sexy is the summary I got from that haha.” He’s a fuckwit!

He says that I told her on purpose on the chat app when she was pretending to be him that “You told her on purpose it was a year just to get at her, just as you did you told her you held her kids. That hurt her a lot, you achieved that goal .” & I could’ve said a lot worse!

He tells me that she doesn’t know he saw me after we ended, so I think he should tell her that, that’s something people know that could come out… But he thinks that it wouldn’t make a difference now, him coming to my house with the kids was the worse thing to her.

I am angry that he thinks I look too long to write back, I tell him that I saw that he came back online as the greyed out d turned dark but he never read my message until lunchtime the next day. He never wrote back so I called & then text, then get a reply from him saying not to message him! Like what a asshat. He would’ve tried harder, I mean he tried harder with her when she walked about because I didn’t reply to a chat app message! Deep down I didn’t reply because I knew it wasn’t over… He messaged me the second she left him, again, not actually properly breaking up before dragining me back in again. I knew I would be foolish to write back & yep, I was a fool to write back to him because he’s so scared of being alone that he fought for her back after contacting me.

“You’re an absolute fucking idiot if you summarise my list like that… You truly do deserve to be with someone who can’t even list one thing they like about you besides you’re the father of her children.” At this point, I am angry, I mean really… Is that what he really thinks? This man doesn’t know me at all.

His partner was saying rotten things about me to my friend, such as I have down syndrome eyes & that I look 40. So the fact I told her it was year & that I held her kids (which she knew anyway as he’d come to my fucking house with them) so yeah I am ok with the things I said to her. I could have said so much worse! He let her accost me on the chat app as him, he let her text some poor unsuspecting person when she thought she had the right phone number, he’s even ok with her stalking me on Facebook. I have done nothing to her – I didn’t cheat on her… I didn’t lie to her for over 18 months. I am so angry at this point, that I wish I did say more, I wish she did have my phone number right. Why did I take the high road?!

I tell him that he should tell his partner that he saw me since we ended & that he’s talking to me now. I think that’s the only stuff that could come out now, I don’t want anymore drama so I want him to tell her so that it can’t come out! I highly doubt that he will.

I don’t get reply from him the next morning & I am oddly relieved but also pissed off that he didn’t write back. How dare he not write back to me?! I guess the good thing about that is that he knows that I am not trying to blackmail him with that document?!

6 days later, I see his fucking name pop up on my phone & my heart drops.

He says that he’s sorry that he didn’t reply, he didn’t want to get into the habit of messaging daily again. He says that she left & I was the first person he wanted to message, even though it looked like I was over him. He assumed I’d ignore him or tell him to fuck off. -How can this man even know me if he thinks that little of me & what we had? He says that he thought it would only take me weeks to get over him because of all the attention I get online.

He says “I’m not scared of being alone , I’m scared of losing my kids . I’m scared of a lot of things , not being alone though.” So he’s staying with her because of the kids, not because he actually wants to be with her. Right… Thought he said he loved her?!

He ends his email “Thank you for doing the right thing by me.” I am done, I am furious by that response that I don’t ever write back. I draft a billion replies in my head, but I also don’t want to send one & have him ignore it. So I ignore him. He doesn’t deserve a reply, he doesn’t deserve me. I am still adamant that this is not over for us, in one way or another, but right now. For now. It has to be over for me. I have to move on.

Later that month – a few days after I ignore his last email, Noodle posts on the anonymous app “With one chapter ended another one can start” I think that is aimed at me, not something he is trying to do… He wants me to move on… Then a couple of days later I see “Get out of my head ahhhh” It takes all my might not to reply or write an email to him. But I don’t…

I always wonder or hope that he will write to me to ask if I got the email or if I wrote back & he didn’t get it again, but he doesn’t. I want to write to him, I am desperate to know he’s ok. But I restrain, somehow, I restrain.

I will put you all out of your misery, this is the last Noodle post ever – he will feature in my thoughts of course, until hopefully one day I am over him… So don’t think that’s the last you will see his name, but it will be the last Noodle titled post!

I am gutted, hurt & devastated. I know you all started to hate him – you think he’s weak & manipulative, but I am in love with him, despite that… I saw a destroyed man, unable to make a decision where no one got hurt… But I didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all, but I must be the one to walk away here… He doesn’t know me at all if he is only replying because he thinks I have a blackmail document.

You can now see why I have extended the length of my posts to hurry this story along, I need this story to be over – it was over a year ago in real life & I have been struggling mentally reliving this… I am glad I told this story, I am glad I have posted it, I almost didn’t post it at all but it honestly shaped me to the woman I am. I sometimes doubt that he loved me – especially reading some of your comments, but at least I can say that my biggest fear of loving another human with all my heart, is no longer a fear. I did it, I felt loved… I am more at peace than I have been in a long time. I was scared I was becoming bitter, but now I know I have a heart, I know I have one because even though it’s shattered right now, I felt things I never felt before.

Stick around though, because honestly, my life is hilarious! I don’t know how things happen to me that never happen to anyone else…

Thanks for reading the Noodle story & sticking by me.

#IBD4U

Noodle’s replies to my emails get shorter & shorter… I know he wants to stop talking to me, but while I have the timeline, he will keep talking to me. I wish he knew me better, but obviously neither of us are thinking clearly. I wish he knew that I would never use that against him. I know I said in my email that I would, but I would’ve done something ages ago before he hurt me if I really wanted to be vindictive.

He tells me that he’s very sorry for how it went done & that I never got a proper goodbye because we weren’t together. –Fuck that annoys me, he was the one who told me that he now considers me an ex-girlfriend, but now he tells me we were never together… Make up your fucking mind Noodle!

He says “That hurts reading that you were going to unpack my stuff and given me a draw. I can tell you with the bottom of my heart it wasn’t easy for me to ghost you or take my stuff .” At least that hurt him to see that I had moved his stuff, I was so excited to live with this guy “I never thought you’d fall so hard for me . I never tried to hurt you ever . I always assumed you were so strong & never expected you to cry for me ever . You’ve always presented yourself as a strong single chick & that always scared me . You always come across as a heart made of stone. I assumed you could replace me very quickly & assumed you’d move on quickly.”

He tells me that she doesn’t know he’s emailing me & begs me not to tell anyone, which I haven’t. I have learned my lesson with that – but I think he should tell her! He says that he denied everything that his partner was told but it kept going over & over in her head till he cracked & told her the truth & she walked out. I guess that’s when he started messaging me, I wonder if I replied straight away if we’d be together? I can’t think like that… He was never going to leave her & she’s taken him back now, so she’s willing to forgive a million lies.

He says he didn’t know I had a new chat app account when he sent the STI messages & apologises for coming across like a asshole. He thought I wasn’t using the anonymous app & when he realised that I was, he’d deleted his posts because he didn’t want to upset me.

He has a go at me for telling the cops he has guns, tells me that there’s a lot I don’t know about him & he thinks that we would of struggled with different interests that he kept hidden from me because he didn’t want to look like a loser as he thinks I’m this super cool sexy chick that everyone wants… I think that he forgets that I’ve told him so many times that I have never been cool in all my life until I got on this chat app. I mean I’ve been single for like 10 years at this point, I can’t be that sexy or cool if no man wants to be with me!? He says that he loves guns, watches wrestling (which I already knew), that he watches a lot of animation TV shows, he even tells me he has a Facebook page that has a lot of followers that is all about 90’s nostalgia. (I stalk Facebook for days trying to find it, but I can’t…). I pretty much knew all of that from things he’d said over the year & none of it mattered to me. He says “I’m a lonely fucker that fell for a sexy ass chick . I’m not outgoing & very shy. You would of realized the mistake you made when you got to see me outside my online personality which is my personality with its volume dialed up a bit.” He blames his kids being a burden to me & his debt… I fucking hate when he does that. He apologises again & says he never wanted to cause me drama.

I spend ages agonising over my replies to him, I think his are just a quick rushed replies when he can in the morning while she’s asleep. They’re getting less & less wordy… I am hating that, knowing that we are coming to the end of this, we are going to stop, he is going to stop replying soon… I mean he should, we should. This isn’t a good idea, but I fucking love this man so much that I want to talk to him every day, I hated not talking to him every day.

I reply saying that of course his untrimmed pubes were never a problem, I was just pointing out that I put up with a lot of stuff from him including being hidden for a year & only seeing him & chatting to him on his terms, I did a lot for him & he treated me like shit… Twice, acting like I don’t even matter! He had said that he didn’t expect me to reply straight away, but of course he did, when I didn’t reply he tried to salvage his relationship! It hurts to think that perhaps if I did write back, I’d be with him right now or would it still end with me & he’d go back to her once she realised he was with me? Would I even have the life I dreamed of with him, now that she knows about me? I don’t think so… I don’t think she’ll ever let us be happy together, even if she is happy with someone else herself. She will be a toxic ex & will always be in the picture because of their kids…

I am so fucking hurt here though, I am so in love with this man, so devastated that I am not going to be spending the rest of my life with him & he’s saying to me that we weren’t even together?! “The fact that you say “we were never together” yet you said you love me & also now consider me as ex girlfriend… To me I did deserve something better than you secretly contacting me on the anonymous app saying she’s got your phone don’t contact you & then only hearing from you again when you decided to snap at me. I mean fuck Noodle, take some responsibility for the way you treated me & just once realise that you should’ve done more to try to end it with me in a better way, rather than ghosting me. I could’ve been so crazy & actually ruined your life, I probably still could if I was like that but I actually respect you enough not too do anything. I guess I just didn’t realise you didn’t respect me & think I deserve better…”

I tell him that I cancelled my other gym membership, the one I used with him & I had to delete him from the chat app because his profile picture has his face up & his eyes look so sad, like I can tell that he took that in the car, probably with her because her’s is similar on the other side of the car…

I tell him that I never thought I would fall for him either, I was strong, I never used to cry, now I can’t stop, even 4 months later! I tell him that I have no desire to tell his partner anything, however I tell him that he should tell her the truth about us & also come clean about emailing me. I don’t trust her not to do anything & think he should be honest with her now.

I go through stages of being angry & hurt, I tell him that he should’ve warned me that she was going to log onto his chat app account & pretend to be him, so that I could take my face down… He is lonely because his phone is tracked & I know that he doesn’t have a lot of friends & it’s because she would ask a million questions about who he’s out with.

I remind him that he told me about the wrestling & animated comedy, I actually think it’s fucking cute that he has a Facebook page, I tell him that I tried to find it but couldn’t. I mean would I have even liked it anyway? I think different interests would be good, I mean I don’t think that he would enjoy kayaking because he wouldn’t want to look stupid to me, but that’s ok, he didn’t have to come with me, “If our different interests were a problem, it would’ve been difficult when we started hanging out on Tuesday nights or when we went to lunch or when we were driving in the car. It wasn’t. The conversation always flowed...” There are things he doesn’t know about me either, I mean he doesn’t know I write or have this blog (he probably wouldn’t be speaking to me if he did!) He was everything I wanted, I always grinned like a Cheshire cat when he defended my honor with men in the groups.

I know that this isn’t the end, it doesn’t feel finished & I wonder if that because he never gives me a proper goodbye? We don’t even get to see each other & finish it. “You keep saying things like your kids are a burden (You still seem to forget I want kids in my life, just not my own!), that you have no money & you’re holding me back. But never once have I used those things against you as the reasons not to be with you, as you have me.” I hate that he’s using things against me… I know I will defend him, I mean I love this man, I want to be with him. Of course I am going to defend him, but I also fucking hate that I do.

His reply almost starting off that his pubes are trimmed for the first time in months, guts me… Clearly he’s trimmed them for sex with her or another person or whatever the fuck he is doing! I feel like he’s trying to hurt me to push me away because he says “You were the other woman & being treated like Shit was never the intention.” He also says that he would’ve liked a reply within 4 hours. I mean I replied within 2 hours of his last message & I knew that if I did reply he’d ignore it, so I regretted replying at all!

“I do respect you & I’m sorry you never got a proper goodbye . You have to consider the circumstances & I really wanted you to hate me & give you the space & the reasons to get over me.” I wish that I could get over him, but I am starting to realise that clearly I loved him more than he loved me. This was an actual epic love story for me & not for him, because he always had her, because how can he even think that I will get over him that easily?

He says that he felt bad that I put his stuff away & that he thought it was cute, he didn’t realise how much I wanted to live with him or his kids, but he says that it was good to see what I was like with his kids that day & he did imagine our lives together.

A friend has asked me what this guy has that his partner & I won’t leave him alone & are making him make the decision, “I ask myself the same question all the time , what did you see me in me, what does she see in me . She can’t give me answer & it seems like you can’t either. I’m actual shit at everything , I’m the worse handyman ever, terrible at gardening , I don’t even think I have a good personality, I’m a total loser & I’m not even funny. I am literally the most useless man partner in the world (think of Homer Simpson).” I don’t agree with that of course, he always has low self esteem but I am also getting to a point where I am sick & tired of pumping up his ego.

He tells me that his partner thinks about me all the time & it hurts her that we were in love & had chemistry. He says he should’ve been honest but was trying to make it easier on her. He says that he’s tried to look me up on Facebook but he couldn’t find me either! He says that she logged into his chat app account by accident, so he couldn’t warn me to take my picture down. But he says that she won’t do anything now, she would’ve done it already. The kids came into her mind when she gets angry & it stops her from coming after me. I guess that’s one good thing!

“It hurts me our friendship had to end & don’t think I don’t miss it. I thank you for not being a crazy bitch & respecting me.” If only I had the same respect!

Surprisingly he says that he never got that final email, that’s in the blackmail document (Fuck I that that he’s calling it that!) but he says that we shouldn’t be emailing & that they’ve both left the chat app & that he wants me to get on with my life. But he’s surprised that I still feel the same way about him & that I miss him so much. Well he was my fucking best friend, I miss talking to my best friend more than anything!

#IBD4U

The emails continue daily, Noodle replies every morning & I reply by the evening… His replies to tell me that she won’t murder me & that he does have guns, FUCK! but they only fire blanks… Well at least that’s something!

He says that I have no idea what state he was in when she left him the other day, (yeah I do Noodle, you fucked me over several times… I was in a fucking state when you left me & ghosted me!) He says that the document is very detailed & he’s scared I’m going to one day give it to her. He tells me that he didn’t know all the shit they were doing was coming back to me but he has stopped using everything & closed their relationship.

He tells me not to lie to him, that I have moved on & I am happy otherwise I would’ve replied to him straight away… Fuck I feel like he doesn’t get me at all! He tells me that he was stupid to show her where I lived but he felt like he was in a rock & a hard place.

Of course he puts himself down & thinks that I can do better than him sexually as he’s not that kinky. I mean this guy, fuck! I don’t know how many times I need to reassure him!?

He doesn’t understand why I want to see him again or why I want to meet up, but he feels like he has too because I’m blackmailing him… He says that he’s on edge with that document & if I want to make my move, to do it soon because he’s sick of all the drama! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? He says that he contacted me because she left him but he won’t tell me why because he doesn’t want to give me more blackmail material… Oh FFS!

I don’t know what type of shrink she is seeing but apparently she tells his partner that she can leave to go interstate with the kids & it would cost him huge amounts to get them back – What a fucking ridiculous shrink! I am certain they wouldn’t say that to her at all… But Noodle believes it. He says that his kids are the most important thing to him & hopes I can respect that. If I can’t, then I should put him out of his misery & get it over & done with! -Of course I fucking respect that, that’s why I left him alone in the first place.

My replies are a lot longer than his. I guess I have more time to think about them, they are more structured that his, he’s all over the place with his topics. But I remind him that he told me should would murder me & that she watches crime shows – she would get away with my murder, he also sent me threats to go to the police, so I made the timeline as a protection for me not to blackmail him. I only sent it to him so he knows that it exists, not to use it against him. The fact that he’s still “shitting his pants” I’ll send it to her, means to me that he hasn’t told her everything like he said he had! The only people with a copy of the timeline is me, Noodle & now my sister on a USB (& trust me, she doesn’t want to look at naked pics of us! Hahaha).

I didn’t reply to him straight away not because I had moved on but because I knew he’d go back to her. He is so scared of being alone that he messages me the second things go to shit. But I feel like a fool again for even replying to his message now that he’s begged for her to come back & she has.

So many people on the chat app have wanted to message his partner, I’m actually surprised it took so long. I mean I have no idea what Crows has been saying to her besides the screenshots he sent me, but I’m assuming he’s loyal to me being I could destroy his life too!

I refuse to boost Noodle’s ego about our sex life, he knows that he was good enough for me, I’ve even told him so many times that he is the best I’ve ever had, yet somehow he uses that as a reason not to be with me.

I remind him that his partner only wanted to do the open relationship & swinging, the kinky stuff because she thought it would keep him. He says he cheated because of the sex but he wouldn’t have fucked me for a year if it was just about sex. You would fuck a multitude of women, not just one & then there wouldn’t be anything to trace.

I try to help him by sending him some links to family court website & tell him that the reason why I backed away was because of his kids. As much as I love Noodle, I think his kids deserve better, but I am not going to be the woman they hate when they grow up.

Again his reply comes early the next morning. He says that he was stupid for showing her when I live & didn’t know what to do. She game him a ultimatum & he gave in – he was under pressure. He didn’t threaten me with the police, it was a warning because he was scared of what she might do. Well I wouldn’t need a fucking warning if he hadn’t shown her where I live. He says he made his decision that day to leave her & that he didn’t hesitate to leave his stuff. He was so scared he never see his kids again.

He knows she was attention seeking but he knew once she took those pills he couldn’t leave her. He says he doesn’t have an ego & I don’t need to feed it, just that I can do better & we should leave it at it.

Apparently the shrink calls Noodle names to his partner, says that Noodle & I deserve each other. I mean really? Is that even true. I think she’s telling him shit to manipulate him, I mean no shrink would call another person a name to mentally unstable person, surely?!

He says that he hates that his family knows that he cheated, they all love his partner, more than him & they would all resent me. He says that he could’ve stayed with them but he wanted to be with me because I am his best friend & he wanted to leave her. He says I was happy on the anonymous app & I was ignoring him to he salvaged what he could with her. (I took 2 hours to reply to his last message!)

It makes me laugh when he says that he avoided the chat app groups! Like what a crock of shit, he couldn’t go into the groups because so many people hated him & the people that did like him, now hate him because of what he did to me plus to top it off, he has a fucking matching user name with her! Don’t fucking give me that bollocks that he avoided the groups!

He reminds me of how much debt they have & that he wouldn’t be able to fight her legally for the kids. So he’s fucked, he does say that he probably deserves it, which I don’t disagree with! However, what judge would award custody to a mentally unstable woman?

I actually start to soften a bit, I am not so angry but starting to realise that Noodle is trapped. Trapped with a violent manipulator, yes he seems weak to some of you – I get that. But if it were the other way around, the man being violent to a woman, no one would think the woman weak for staying…

I am angry about the fact that he never messaged me around her, he always logged off, of course, but that day he was here, I sat there holding his infant while he messaged her all fucking day. Barely even talking to me. & then he breaks up with me again via a chat app… I mean don’t I deserve something better from him? He can’t possibly love me if that’s how he can treat me.

I didn’t really have a chance to reply to him, I didn’t wait because I had moved on, I wanted to wait to my test results & I also wanted to wait to see what the police had to say. I tell him that if he really wanted to get in contact with me, he would’ve text me, not used an app that I don’t get notifications on.

I tell him that her psychologist is terrible that she is seeing, mine is so neutral, I hate to think sometimes what he is thinking about my insane choices – however he never judges me or puts anyone down. So I don’t believe that her psychologist is even saying these things. I think his partner is just saying it to get a rise out of him & manipulate him more… Guess what, it’s working too! Ever heard of gaslighting? Bosses usually do it, I’ve had it done to me a few times & it works! She’s doing it to him now!

I come clean about why I was posting things on the anonymous app because he was, not because I have moved on. It’s the only time that I have ever done anything tit for tat. I hate that I did that to be honest. I guess that’s what I do when I am so fucking hurt & knowing the man I love if trolling online still while I am hurting, not eating, not sleeping…

I don’t think that she would ever get custody of the kids, I tell him that he would probably get them, but I say that he could get legal aid. He reminds that he was going through a break up & that’s why he was on his phone all day, he’d been with her for 12 years. I mean why did he come to my house when it wasn’t over? He says he doesn’t like using her name around me (but I keep using it, instead of partner & him saying wife).

He says “I felt terrible picking my stuff up, it broke my heart even more seeing you had moved my clothes into your bedroom & putting my electronics next to your tv.” Do you know what, I knew he wasn’t going to be moving in, but I never thought he’d come like a thief in the night to get it all, I was expecting him to see that I had moved it & I am glad that it had that affect on him.

He figures that I was ignoring him as I ignored the STI messages (because I wanted my results first!) & had ignored his other messages (because I didn’t want to feel like a fool when he went back to her – which he did!)

He noticed my tit for tat posts & said that it stopped him from using the apps for a while, I was only posting that shit because he was… He says that he wasn’t suddenly over me but it was an attempt at the healing process… (What by hurting me?!) He says that he has a big gap in his life that needed filling, which is why he is on the app.

He says that his family love his partner & treat her better than him sometimes (REALLY? After this!?) but her family wanted her to break up with him. They hate him more than ever & his partners sister has cut all ties with them… WOW.

Noodles partner apparently tells anyone who will listen about the affair, including all her friends & both their families, she also told any new guy online about it because it helps her with the healing process. He doesn’t know why she lied to people & kept the 3 months BJ story going but she knows that we had sex & it was a long affair. He says that yes he did lie about things to protect me & to save his family – it was never a dig at me or to hurt me – but mainly he says that he didn’t think I would ever find out! “Do I miss you ? Yes. Do I still have feelings for you ? Yes. Do I want to fuck with your heart or your head ? No . Do I want save my family & marriage . Yes .”

He tells me that he was never unhappy with her or looking for a replacement. “Did I fall in love with two woman at once . Yes.” He says that he has not idea how hard it was for him… Errr! Yes I do, I was always fucking waiting for a scrap of his time! I know how fucking hard it was!

He talks about the timeline again & says that he’s surprised I had so many screenshots (yeah I am too, why did I save everything?) He says that he can only summarise what we has as “Special.”

He says that her shrink has said to her that he replaced food with sex when he lost weight, also that he gets bored easily & needs to be kept busy… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHRINK?! Who says that, he’s not a child with ADHD! I wasn’t just sex to Noodle…

“I’m a terrible person & a terrible partner . I’m sure one day you will see that . I’m truly sorry for fucking with your head & your heart so much . I didn’t want to ghost you , I just had too . I want to be happy & want you to be happy too . Sorry for popping back up .”

I am aware that our email exchange is getting longer & longer. I can’t help it, I have so much to say to him, I hate that I have so much left to say.

I remind Noodle that I know why he was messaging her all day that day, but ask him to put himself in my shoes, the one day I get to have with Noodle, the one fucking day where I thought all my dreams were going to come true & he spends it on his phone to her, while I look after the baby. He should’ve broken up with her properly & made sure it was over before he used me to hold his baby while he sorted shit out.

I hated that towards the end I was always going to him because he couldn’t fake his location, that I got his sweaty balls from the gym, his unshaven pubes & would wait hours on end for his replies…

I tell him that I was going to attempt to put together his electronics, but decided against it, that I was going to pack away all his stuff too in draws. I even tell him that I didn’t tidy up because I wanted home to see that I wasn’t that clean, I just cleaned before he came over all the time because I clean when I’m anxious. I clean while I’m waiting.

I tell him again that I didn’t ignore his STI message, that I was waiting for results & didn’t want to write back to him till I knew. I tell him that I am furious about how he handled that too, I mean I didn’t even get a Hey #IBD4U, just straight into accusing me of giving it to her. I tell him that I never posted on the anonymous app to piss him off, I was hurt, crying & not eating or focusing on uni that I needed to just do something. I even thought some of the posts were from her.

I ask if she knows all the truth, like all of it… I mean there can’t be anything left to find out now, I guess. I question how everything went down because only 2 days prior to that, she told Sweetie they were so happy, strong & planning their wedding.

I tell him about the police report, so he knows that it’s happened & I am being 100% honest, open & transparent, with him in case anything happens.

I see that she is still manipulating him through the things her shrink is telling her, I don’t even believe that the shrink is saying those things to be honest, or maybe I just have a good one!? Noodle clearly didn’t get bored with me after 18 months & is still chatting to me even another 4 months after ending me with so clearly he doesn’t get bored… I’m not sure the shrink is a qualified person at all!

I tell him that he isn’t a terrible person, I wish I hated him & didn’t still love him. But I do tell him that I deserve a proper goodbye. I again try to get him to see me!

#IBD4U

Have you ever waited for STI results before when you’ve have a scare? Every other pap smear, I haven’t really cared because I haven’t every had a crazy person message me to tell me they have an STI, so while it is a bit scary usually, it’s nothing like this… I am freaking out that I will have something & have to contact every guy I’ve fucked to tell them to get tested. I mean this is just fucked…

In the meantime, I draft an email reply to Noodle but wait to send it until I have spoken to my dr. However, as I await my appointment for my dr, a dude with the same name as Noodle joins my group & doesn’t speak – my heart skips a beat… Is it Noodle? Whoever it is private messages me “Why did she have to #IBD4U? Thanks to her I have nothing.” I refuse to write back until I have the test results – assuming it’s Noodle – he’s used my real name. I also check the anonymous app, there are messages from him there too “Well I can you have moved on so why did Sweetie fuck it all up. What’s her fucking end game. I have fucking nothing now. & fuck knows what she’s going to do to you. Seriously #IBD4U what the fuck.” He then also posts on the anonymous app “I’ve fucking lost everything, fuck my life.” I leave work immediately & call my sister. We head straight to the police. I need it on file that something went on so that if anything happens to me, they know who did it. Noodle had told me the day he was at my house, the one day we were living together, that she watches a lot of crime shows & he thinks she’d get away with hurting me. Well not on my watch! We go to the police & report whatever we can, using some of the screenshots that I have as proof of threats towards me. I also for some reason, remember the picture of a gun, does Noodle have a gun? I ask Shark who has guns too, if he ever talked to Noodle about it, but he says that he never did, however he reassures me that it will need to be locked away & she shouldn’t be able to access the key if he is abiding by laws. FUCK. The policeman tells me there is not a registered gun, so I relax thinking it must’ve been a toy. I guess if they had a gun, Noodle’s partner would’ve probably shot him rather than tried to use broken glass or even used it as part of the suicide attempt? Relax #IBD4U, there no gun!

I am able to report the threats with the screenshots & the officer says that he’ll send someone around there if they have time. But I doubt that will happen, however, I’m glad that I’ve reported it & if anything does happen the police will see it & act quicker maybe. I have also alerted my watchful neighbour across the street. She’s on the look out for me in case anything happens when I’m not at home. The police suggest that I make a timeline of the affair with as much detail as I can & give it to someone else. I go through all the screenshots & pictures to make a document of the whole affair. I also give everything to my sister on a USB so there are multiple copies.

As my sister & I are leaving the police station I get another message from Noodle “I’m fucked #IBD4U & you’re going to ignore me.” That breaks me. I start crying. I want to write back but my sister says that I shouldn’t. I head to the gym instead, to boxing to take my anger out on this bloody day.

Crows messages me to tell me that he is in the clear, he has no STI at all. Thank fuck. I am also relieved, the chances of me having one are now even slimmer. When my doctor calls me, he puts me out of my misery & lets me know I am in the clear too! Phew… I mean I knew it, but fuck that was a scary couple of days!

Sweetie sends me screenshots of what Noodle & his partner send her that day. Noodle blames her for ruining his young family & his partner tells Sweetie to get an STI check. She tells Sweetie that they split up & that I won. Sweetie writes back & says that we don’t have HPV. (I wonder if Noodle’s partner ever picked up on the fact she only said STI to Sweetie, but Sweetie was specific & said HPV?)

I reply to Noodle after the gym, asking what he means that he has nothing or no one? I get no reply. But the next day he reads it & doesn’t reply. Fucking Prick! So I write “You beg me to talk to you, against my better judgement, I do & now read my message & ignore me…?” What a fucking wanker. I hate him for playing with me like this… Again he knew it wasn’t over with her & he dragged me back in…

I send a text message this time, to get his attention rather than him being able to log off & ignore me. “I’m not sure what is going on at your end Noodle. But I was going to message you once I’d got my STI results & had been to the police. I want you to know, probably because I haven’t moved on like you think but I had nothing to do with this bullshit. A few weeks ago I was sick of hearing about you that I created a new chat app account to get away from it” He doesn’t reply. So I try to call him but I get no reply or answer. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to call him.

Finally he replies to my chat app messages late that night, after I called him “I didn’t beg, was blaming you for the situation I’m in. Sorry. Don’t ring or text me please. You should of ignored me. Sweetie really fucked things up big time. She told my partner a lot of shit. Including your name wasn’t the fake one I came up. Thanks Sweetie. Not sure why people care about my business I left the chat app long ago. The STI can’t be traced to you & she knows it, it can be transferred via oral & she could of got it herself. You should be safe I don’t think she will come after you cos she would of done it by now. I’m sorry to come back like this. I was trying to avoid you & let you move on.” OMG. How fucking dare he say don’t call me or text. Fucking wanker! He’s trying to avoid me? He messaged me at fucking 12:30 pm yesterday, how is that avoiding me? He needs to take some ownership, Sweetie only told her what he should have – I assumed she already knew everything… He told me he told her everything, I assumed a 3sum would be the first thing he told her & that’s why she kept offering to have one with me. He cheated, he fucked 2 women & fell in love with one of them & he’s blaming Sweetie for the position he is in?! He says that he’s been watching me on the anonymous app which I say that I’ve only been posting those posts because I’m sick of seeing his posts looking to chat to women, that I am not over him. He says that he has to go but she left him & when I ask if he’s going to stay with her, he says that he’s trying to sort it out. Then he’s gone offline! FUUUUCCCK!!!

My draft email to Noodle is ready to send, I skim over it before sending. I don’t know if he’ll ever get it, but I have things to say. I was going to post copies of the email exchanges that Noodle & I have here in the blog, he does write back this time, but I have decided that they are too personal (even though I have told you pretty much everything about my sex life, the stuff about my feelings is a lot harder to write about!) They are too raw, too emotional. I will summarise them for you instead.

I am very passive aggressive in my email again, I will be 100% up front about that, I am so fucking hurt & devastated, I also feel so betrayed, he has brought her to my house, blamed me for his indiscretions, blamed Sweetie for talking to his partner… I mean these are all things Noodle did!

I thank Noodle (sarcastically) for showing his partner when I live, I tell him that I knew she was on the chat app & if I wanted to do something, I would have done it already. There was no way I was going to do anything in the last 4 months, even in the last 18 months since meeting him, I could’ve done anything, I know where they live, where she works, a note on her car (trust me, I thought about it) or just rocking up at their house, fake pregnancy etc… I had all the thoughts, but never acted on them! I am livered that he doesn’t trust me not to mess with him!

I explain myself about why I think Sweetie did what she did, I was telling her that I wanted Noodle’s partner to find out, Sweetie saw how devastated I was that his partner was telling people I know about my relationship with Noodle & how it pissed me off, how it trivialised my first love, whittled down to a 3 month blow job affair. This was an epic love story for me, I meant nothing to him, I feel insignificant… I am shattered about that.

I tell him to take some ownership for his actions, I mean he was online chatting to people before his son was born, when she “accidentally” got pregnant when he wasn’t ready.

I am also angry about the fact he didn’t tell me about the HPV right away, I tell him that I had the vaccination & so should’ve she as she’s younger than me, that I have been tested & I am in the clear of everything, as is the guy I’m fucking. I tell him that Sweetie & Max are also clean, so she didn’t get it from us. I do say though “Interestingly, your partner now thinks that she contracted this from me, when only a few days ago she believed I only gave you BJs & kissed you?!” Something is fishy here for me! I don’t believe she even has anything or that it’s just something to scare me. I tell him that he will probably be too gutless to tell her that I don’t have it, so forever, she’ll think I gave her an STI. (At least Sweetie told her I don’t have anything!)

I tell him that I have been to the police, & that they suggested I make a timeline of the relationship. Mainly because I was a secret from everyone in his life, no one really knew in my life what really went on & so the fact I had so many screenshots, the police said to make a timeline & give it to someone for safe keeping, if I am feeling scared. I am not scared as such, I mean I sort of want her to do something to me, maybe then she’ll get the help she needs?! I tell him that I feel fucking nuts writing a fucking timeline of our relationship & how much it hurt me looking back on the screenshots of all our lovey messages we sent. I attach a copy.

I tell him that I am done protecting him from people on the chat app. His partner didn’t even know who Sweetie was to me, she could’ve been anyone & do you know what she did? She typed out my full address as a warning to Sweetie! WTF… As if Noodle allowed her to do that?! I feel so violated! I tell him that next time I get dragged into this that I will send her a copy of the timeline (Which I kind of regret saying, I didn’t mean it as a threat but fuck I want this all to go away. I’m trying to move on!)

I tell him that I deserve a proper conversation & that he should meet me. I highly doubt that he will, but I haven’t ever asked anything of him, but to meet me for a proper conversation. He should do the right thing by me & meet me!

I’m surprised to find a response from him in the morning… He starts off “Wow, blackmail . Thanks . Never thought I’d see this day , especially from you.” Fuck does this guy even think that low of me!

He tells me that his partner knew about the affair & our feelings but not that we had a 3sum… He says that he hasn’t slept with anyone else since we ended (sucked in!), nor did he fuck other women while with me, which is why she blames me for the HPV. He says that he messaged me as soon as she got the result & that it was just bad timing. That he had to restrain her from going to my house. (OMG!) He tells me that she does have it because he went to the gynaecologist with her & none of the signs point to me, that she could’ve even had it before even being with him. (Still no apology for accusing me!)

He says that his lies were to protect me, including lying about my name. (No they weren’t, they were to protect him! He thew me under the bus as soon as he needed too!) He tells me that he thinks I have moved on therefore he was devastated that he would be left with nothing once his relationship was destroyed. He tells me he will try to meet me but he doesn’t know how he can as the leash is tight. He also asks me to tell Sweetie to stay out of his life. But I mean he did the damage not her. He can’t blame her for playing a part in this, he did fuck her & hurt me, which she didn’t like seeing. Fucking hell, I am so angry, I want to punch him in the face!

I read his email about 10 times before I reply I am so angry he thinks I am blackmailing him, I have no intention of sending the timeline to her, but fuck I was so furious that I didn’t even know what else to say. I tell him that I did it because he says that she’d get away with my murder, says she wants to kill me & that he has a gun. I mean what else was I supposed to do! I sent it to him to be transparent, so he knew it existed.

I tell him that the last 4 months since we ended, I have dropped 10 kgs, I haven’t slept unless I had chemical help, I am finally at a point where I haven’t been thinking about him as much & finally I had started eating again & he has to message to pull at my heart strings only to go back to her again! Then tells me he was trying to leave me out of it & not to message him… I mean WTF.

I tell him that I don’t care if she knows my name, what he should’ve protected me from is her knowing where I live… I mean that’s the only thing I give a fuck about. I tell him that if I had any intention of destroying his life, I would have done it by now, I had no intentions of getting mixed back up with this bullshit again.

I tell him that the fact he has to convince his partner not to come bash me, should be a sign she needs help & I say that I feel for his kids, especially his almost 5 year old son having to go through all this!

I tell him that I deserve better, after being dragged back into this & say that I want to see him face to face, I don’t want a rushed conversation, I want a proper conversation. I wonder if that is a good idea? I wonder if I can even do that? FUCK…

#IBD4U

The day before my birthday, Crows tells me that he can’t see me on my birthday for birthday sex, but he can see me the day before. I am stupidly hoping & praying that Noodle will message me for my birthday, I know it’s stupid it’s been over a month since he came to my house like a thief in the night & took his stuff but before the STI scare. I am furious but fuck I am so devastated.

I did have a reader say that they thought my email I sent was manipulative, I mean I know it was passive aggressive & I do want Noodle’s partner to know the truth, however, I never write to Noodle again, nor do I try to contact him & the main reason is because of his kids. I have always said I don’t want kids of my own, however, I did want his kids in my life. But they had been traumatised enough by the violence, ambulances & then being at a weird lady’s house all day… That I know I have to stop trying to get Noodle to be with me. So just know, that I did want him with my whole heart, I do love him & I do love him enough not to cause further drama. He asked me not to contact him, I sent that final email & I move on, as much as I can…

Crows comes to my house, usually telling me to be naked for him & tied up to my x restraints. He likes to walk in & find me in bed naked, squirming & actually spends a couple of hours fucking me, which is really good – I love this time when I am completely with this man & not thinking about Noodle. It honestly doesn’t happen that often, but I am thankful that this guy invades my thoughts & is quite a kinky guy. I like his demands of me.

The next time he’s coming to my house, he tells me that he won’t be there till after 11:00 pm, that I must send a photo of myself every hour on the hour. He doesn’t care what is, it doesn’t have to be a dirty picture but I must send him something every hour on the hour & if I don’t there will be punishment. Crows hasn’t spanked me much, a few spanks during sex, so I assume like every other guy who’s punished me, it’ll be a spanking if I don’t follow though. The excitement is a real turn on. I mean no one has given me a task like this before. Noodle told me not to cum sometimes before I went to sleep if he was seeing me in the morning, which frustrated the hell out of me, but I always obeyed. I intend to obey Crows & I start sending him pictures, of cause they are naughty ones – it is me after all! Hahaha.

I decide that I want to wear some lingerie for him, he says he doesn’t want me to, that he doesn’t really care about lingerie, just wants me to be naked when he gets there. I think he senses my disappointment & asks me to show him what I would wear. I put on a full red set – bra, g string suspender & red knee high tights. He tells me that I look really good, I show him options with no g string because he’d had to take the tights off then the g string, so I decide to put the g string over the top which he likes better than no undies, which is odd since he wanted me naked. I’ve sent him about 4 pictures in the last hour, but at 5 past 11, he tells me that I failed to send him a picture at 11:00 pm & I will be punished. I try to explain that he got 5 photos from me this hour, but he tells me that those didn’t count. I am excited, I mean I don’t know what this guy will have in store for me. I mean spanking for me isn’t really a punishment, because I like it. I’m not sure why guys would even threaten that to me, I enjoy it so it’s not really a punishment. But I get excited thinking about Crows getting there & spanking me because I’ve been naughty & not followed his instructions.

He gets to my house at 11:30pm. He walks into my room & while he looks at me with desire of seeing me in a full lingerie get up, but his eyes don’t pop out of his head like Noodle’s did. It’s the only time that I am with Crows that I think about Noodle. I hate that. But then Crows is kissing & touching me, I’m stripping his clothes off & we lay back on the bed, when he rolls off me & says that my punishment is that I have to massage his back for 5 minutes, with a timer on. WHAT THE FUCK! He lays on his stomach, gets his phone, puts a timer on & tells me to start. Is he actually factually serious? When I don’t start, just looking at his back, he looks over his shoulder with a smouldering look & he tells me that the timer is on & that he’ll make it 10 minutes. I quickly move & straddle his butt & start rubbing his shoulders, barely being able to do it without giggling – which he tells me to stop. I keep leaning down to kiss his ears & neck but he tells me to get back to massaging his back… OMG! This really is a punishment, & while I assumed he would spank me, I am actually really impressed that this guy didn’t just spank me as a punishment. This 5 minute massage is fucking hilarious, I mean that is exactly what a punishment should be – something I don’t enjoy. But I am even more surprised that he put on the timer & made me massage him for exactly 5 minutes. For some reason, it does turn me on that this is my punishment, I mean I don’t enjoy it but I am finding his Dominant side fucking hot! I honestly didn’t think he had it in him to do something like this. He fucks me & goes down on me after making me massage him, he decides that he wants to take pictures tonight, which I allow. He makes me cum so many times that when he says he wants to fuck my ass, I do freak out a little bit as he has a very thick & long cock, but I tell him that he can try… He lays on top of me so we’re facing, my favourite way if I ever do anal & slides in slowly. I am thankful that he’s relaxed me because it does hurt a little, but starts to feel good with a few thrusts. He takes some pictures & video, I am surprised I allow him to take it with his phone but he does send them to me, it’s very hot. He says that he wants to cum on me, so when he’s ready & I’ve cum from being fucked, he rips the condom off & cums on my tummy.

A week later, I am horny & thinking about fucking Crows, I want to see him but he says that he can’t really drive to my house to see me, I offer to meet him for some car sex. He suggests that we meet half way at the beach, it’s about 11:00 pm at night in August (for international readers, that means it’s winter here & fucking freezing!) I assume we’ll fuck in the car but he decides that we should have sex on the beach. This will be the 2^nd time that I have sex on the beach ever in my life. The first time it wasn’t that great for me, but Crows asks if I have a blanket which we take down to the beach. I take a couple of carb free beers (best ones are pure blonde – if there are any people looking to sponsor me! Hahaha) & we have a drink, chatting before we start kissing. I mean it’s freezing so we need to do something to warm up! We get semi naked, him pulling down his pants & me taking one leg out of my jeans, we fuck & I ride him, there is no one around & I oddly love the feeling of outdoor sex. I know I’ve done the outdoor thing with Noodle at a train station, in a car wash etc but yeah I never thought I would like it but I do.

I don’t see this guy for a little while after that, approximately a month, his work is busy, I’m away for work & of course I’m a drama magnet, so we’re currently waiting for our STI results… What else does Noodle have in store for me?

#IBD4U

I obviously don’t talk to Noodle again. I sent him that email but get no reply – I don’t even know if he read it. I worded it carefully in case she reads it – in case she knows about that cheating email address too. But maybe he’s not checking the email again, but I am not going to poke the bear & text message him – as much as I want a reply. I just have to be done with this.

One morning, maybe a week or two after the infamous pill overdose, I’m walking to car & see something in my letterbox, it’s not junk mail & I don’t think it’s a package that’s been delivered. It wasn’t there when I got home last night & so what the fuck is it. As I get close to the letter box, I realise that it’s a stuffed toy wrapped in rope. FUCK! Is this a message from her? She now knows my nickname on the chat app, bought a toy that is the same & now tied rope around it as a message to me? FUCK… I am shaking like a leaf… My tummy is churning & every photo I take of it is blurry. I finally get a good picture & find Noodle’s phone number which I had deleted & send it to him “She won’t do anything? Found this in my letter box this morning!” I don’t expect a reply but it comes straight away “That’s not her im assuming that’s Max.” Hmmm, never thought of him, I guess it could be, but surely Max would know what bad fucking timing it is to do something like that without a fucking message. I look at the tag attached to the toy & see Max on the card. FUCK… I hate that I sent that message to Noodle. What an overreaction! Max messages me sorry for giving it to me, but I say it was ok just bad timing & a weird way of doing it – why didn’t he give it to me rather than leaving it my letterbox? But Max doesn’t ever write back to me again, what a fucking shock!

I try to stay away from everything, I even think about leaving the chat app, but Shark & a few others tell me not too – not to slink away & let Noodle & his partner have free reign of my turf, so I create a new account, because she now has my account & also knows what I look like! FUCK. There were only a few things I asked of Noodle in the whole year & a half this has been going on, & that is to protect my identity & where I live – at all costs. So far now she knows what I look like, what job I do which isn’t a very common job & where I live, but of course she won’t do anything, she promised Noodle… Can you feel my eye rolling then?

A few days later, I get a notification that Noodle views my profile on an adult dating site, then less than a minute later, his joint account with her views my account. I’m assuming he’s blocking me? Or what the fuck is he doing? Fuck he’s a wanker. The next day I get a message on the chat app from him “Why is gods name are you on AMM. LOL. You do realise my partner wants to kill you right?” OMG is he the online dating app police? “You do realise I am not scared of her! You’re also the one who looked at my profile from both your profiles. If I wanted to cause shit I’d message her on the chat app. But I love & respect you enough not to cause drama.” If only I had the same respect from him! Fuck he’s done so much shit to me & now I can’t believe that I can’t even be on a fucking website without him snapping my head off! Fucking idiot. I am so angry. He never reads the response. But I don’t even care, I delete him before I can even see if he does. & create my new account, leaving all this shit behind me… Please!

With this open thing Noodle & his partner have going on, even yes after they have a drug overdose incident, they are still trying to be open… I really pity any woman that gets involved with Noodle, even for a hook up! I know that his partner is never going to be ok with any woman he is with, even if she says she is.

I am devastated here & not eating or sleeping, actually still in love with this man who is now using the anonymous app almost daily “Any ladies want to chat? Male 30’s 6’1” or “Any sexy lady want to chat?” or “Hard & rough is the only way to give it.” Or “Would love to give it hard to a sexy woman.” I am really hurt… I only know it’s him because his suburb comes up & there are no other people using the app in that suburb with the same chat rating. Fuck this really hurts me. But I can’t not look at the fucking app! I consider chatting to him & fucking with him, I mean he’s already accused me of fucking with him & his partner, so why not actually do it? I tell a few people how much this hurts me including Shark & Sweetie, two people who have really been there for me over this break up & though everything too. Shark tells me to post some thing on the anonymous app because Noodle always knows it’s me, so I do. Posting about how I’m going to be playing tonight with someone hot or something… I don’t know what I actually said, I wish I didn’t do it though to be honest because it was childish tit for tat & that’s not my style.

As the universe would have it, I have obviously spilled the beans to Crows about everything with Noodle, so he knows everything. What are the odds that Crows starts chatting to a chick on the adult website & it happens to Noodle’s partner. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Crows sends me screen shots of their chat, I’m not sure I’m ok with this, but I guess Crow’s thinks I have a right to know what she’s saying & he wants me to confirm if it’s her. She tells him about the affair & that “It was most Tuesday nights for 3 months. Just Bjs. Kissing.” First of all she knows that it was more than that? Doesn’t she? I did say in my message to her when she was pretending to be Noodle, that the last year with him was amazing for me. Noodle says she knows everything? She tells Crows that she’s fucked other guys & feels guilty about it & has given Noodle a free pass to fuck someone but she won’t pick the girl. I tell a few people again how upset this makes me, is she lying to Crow’s to save face or does she not know the truth? It fucking hurts to know she’s talking to people about me – as if I were nothing. I mean if she’s talking to Crows so candidly, surely she’s talking to others…

Crows also tells me that Noodle’s partner also told him at one point that she only wanted a 3sum with me so she could beat me up! I mean how would that even go down, would Noodle even allow that if she started to try to hit me? Would Noodle even stay with someone after she tried to beat me up in front of him? I mean I was never going to have a 3sum with them anyway, but I wonder what would’ve happened if I did go through with it? Would he stop it? Would she be getting the mental helps she needs? Because right now it seems like she isn’t… I guess, I would’ve 100% pressed charges against her & still would if she does anything to me or my house. Would that make him hate me? That I’d be the reason she has a criminal record? Well I mean it would be her own fault of course, but would he hate me for pressing charges? Would he stay with her? Would he be able to be with me being that she might go to jail because of me? Urgh, I hate the what ifs. I mean I wish when she was writing me messages from his account pretending to be him, that I said other things. But again, it’s not my style.

So, I don’t know if I told you but when Noodle & I ended, I put a counter app on my phone to track how many days I hadn’t talked to Noodle. The break up book that my friend gave me suggested that you must go at least 90 days without talking to them. I made it 84 days but this time I am not even counting. Noodle can get fucked. I am seeing other people, it is a couple of months though until I hear from him again… I have been away for work & am at the airport, when I for some reason look at my old chat app account – which I never deleted but I don’t look at often. There are messages from this morning when I was on the plane from Noodle! – what are the fucking odds… My life OMG, it’s just stupid sometimes… I click on the messages – he can’t see that I have read them. “So have you had an STI check recently” OH HOLY FUCK! 30 minutes later, there are a bunch of more messages from him, which I get all at the same time “Thanks to Sweetie for telling my partner we had a 3sum. Heads up my partner wants to kill you again. & she has HPV which she would be blaming you for. Sweetie told her 2 days ago. I can see you’ve moved on so wtf. Call the cops if she confronts you. She can be unstable. Not sure I can stop her this time.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… OMG. She has HPV? What has Sweetie said? OMG. What is happening?!

I message Sweetie to find out what is going on. She sends me some screenshots of some messages she’s sent to Noodle’s partner!! “Hi. I thought you should know the truth about your cheating partner. Him & #IBD4U were seeing each other for over a year. They had sex frequently over the year they were seeing each other. They even had sex in a car wash! They went & had lunch dates. Noodle had never had a 3sum with 2 girls so #IBD4U thought she would make it happen. One afternoon I went over to #IBD4U house where Noodle was & we both fucked him in a 3sum. Noodle stopped wearing a condom fairly early on in their relationship. Noodle had genuine feelings for her. The day we had a 3sum I could see the chemistry between them. It was not just a casual fling. They had a connection. After the 3sum over the chat app Noodle told me he had feelings for her. This was very close to the birth of the baby. While you were in hospital just after you have the baby, Noodle invited #IBD4U to your house & they had sex at your house. This was definitely not a casual thing hey?” Oh Sweet baby cheeses! OMG. OMG. OMG. I don’t even know what to do. I see his partners reply “Thanks. To be honest I don’t care. Our relationship is so strong now. We have amazing sex all the time & we r so happy planning our wedding” Fuck. I know that is a stab for me… As if he’s going to marry her now? After 12 years… FUCK.

Sweetie sends me a few more screenshots & Noodle’s partner & her get a little heated. So much so that Noodle’s partner gives Sweetie my fucking address as a ‘warning’ to me & that she’ll be around soon… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK… She tells sweetie “We have been through too much in 12 years to give it up over a stupid skank who lives alone with her cat. If she dies it will eat her face off, sad & alone till u find her body” Oh good god… Is she kidding me?! Hahaha. Why has he told her I have a cat?! Noodle’s partner keeps calling me by the fake name that Sweetie says, that’s not her name. She talks about egging my house & that she wants my chat app account to talk to me. OMG, this has gotten out of hand! She tells Sweetie “By the way I find that there is a flaw in ur story. Noodle was with me all the time once I had baby” Errr, no he wasn’t!

OMG OMG OMG OMG…. What makes it worse is when Sweetie shows me screenshots between her & Noodle, where he thinks I am behind this latest drama… OH FUCK. I don’t want him to think I am behind this, no wonder his message about the STI is so snappy. Though he does say that he can see I’ve moved on, obviously because of my posts on the anonymous app. Maybe he does realise that I had nothing to do with this?

I go to my friends house, who was been going through some pretty tough shit herself, that in the 10 years we’ve known each other, we’ve never cried in front of each other until this time in our lives. She says that I put it out in the universe that I wanted Noodle’s partner to know the truth, that I basically brought this on myself. I mean I know I wanted her to know, but it’s been months & yeah I did put it out there a lot that I wanted her to know the truth, I just didn’t think this would happen!

Okay, I call my Doctor & get an emergency appointment, he squeezes me in to get an STI test. I am also supposed to see Crows tonight, so I message him & tell him the story & say probably best we don’t fuck till we’ve both been tested. Crows agrees & makes an appointment himself. As if this guy is going to stick around after this… I’m surprised he’s still talking to me at the moment anyway! This is the first time I’ve had a real STI scare… I have been tested a lot over the years, of course, always cautious using condoms etc. but this is the first time I have had someone say that they may have given me something. I tell Sweetie for her & Max to get tested too but she just recently had a test when she had a hysterectomy. She is clean & so is Max… Maybe I don’t have anything. I mean I was vaccinated against HPV before I was 25 when the vaccine first came out. Please god, don’t let me have a fucking STI at age 37.

I decide not to reply to Noodle until I have my test results. I refuse to write to him until I know that I am 100% sure I didn’t give them anything. Crows went to the Doctor before me, that he’ll get his results before me & at least that should tell me something. Crows & I have always used condoms though. FUCK. Crows also tells me that he’s spoken with Noodle’s partner post this confession from Sweetie & that Noodle & her have deleted their chat app accounts. That they are not going to swing or be open, they are closing their relationship completely. I check the chat app & both their accounts are deleted. I breathe a sigh of relief that this is over for me. Please let this be over for me!

Now the worst part about taking an STI test is waiting for the bloody results!

#IBD4U

While I was seeing Noodle, I made lots of friends on the chat app. There was a chick on there that I became good friends with. I had met her face to face at a meetup for the group one night a while ago, the infamous night that I kissed T-bone, but she & Shark had left early to go to another party with some other people. A few months before it ended with Noodle, she asked me if I would be interested in a 3sum with her & her friends with benefits as a birthday present surprise for him – let’s call him backpacker – mainly because he looks, acts & sounded like a middle aged backpacker. I said I was flattered but that I was kind of seeing someone & didn’t want to jeopardise what I had with him. She was ok with that & said she was happy for me. Not a surprise but I never told Noodle about it because I knew that he would just get jealous or say something hurtful to guard his feelings like ‘do whatever you want.’ I never lied to Noodle, I just omitted the truth sometimes because I knew how he’d react.

A few weeks after I stopped talking to Noodle, right after his partner found my underwear & Noodle tells me they are in an open relationship. So this was a little while ago, I forgot about this story, but you know what, every story I tell you leads me to where I am today, writing this almost 18 months after it happened… So it’ll all make sense one day why I do the things I do… Or maybe you’ll just be as confused as me as to why I do the things I do, but if you do know why I am like I am, please get in touch! Hahaha.

Anyway I message this friend & ask if she is still looking for a third, that I would be interested, she said yes, even though his birthday long ago – they were still keen to play with another woman. What a surprise, it’s every mans dream. Ironically though, Noodle told me after his 3sum with Sweetie & I, that it’s really hard work & he didn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he would because it was tiring trying to please 2 ladies at once. I always wanted 2 men, but I wonder if I would feel the same?

I meet them at Backpacker’s house, I take 3 beers because I don’t want to stay & I need to drive later. Also because I am in a kink chat group with her, she has asked me to bring a few toys with me, I don’t really know what to pack so I pack a flogger, a paddle & some wrist ties – I’ve never really been the teacher of kink. I mean I had to top from the bottom a little bit with Noodle sometimes when we used toys & things but he was naturally a dominant guy, he just didn’t know about the kink stuff, which lets face it neither did I, even though he thinks I’m the most kinky person in the world, I am totally not even that kinky at all…

I get to Backpacker’s house & we all sit chatting, I chat easily to my friend & like a fucktard with no filter, I spill the beans about the entire relationship to her, she knew some of it obviously being she was in the group with us but not all of the nitty gritty, I obviously was discreet about most of it because I knew they were on the chat app too. But now that it’s not in writing, able to be screenshotted, I went into a bit of detail with both of them, how in love I was (am!) with Noodle, the phone tracking partner, the way she found out – finding my undies. (Remember that this story was before Noodle’s partner tried the pill overdose.)

They sit there & listen, she asks a lot of questions. I am barely holding it together & am even wondering if I can go through this. The break up is still raw & I am holding out hope that Noodle will come back to me, I am hoping & praying for that. I think it’s only been a month but we’ve talked again since he stopped talking to me.

Backpacker shares a bit of a story about how he never wants to be in a relationship with another woman again as he has some legal proceedings going on with his past girlfriend who sent text messages to herself from his phone while he was asleep… Ok so I have some crazy thoughts sometimes, like about going to Noodle’s home or work to tell his partner everything, but I mean I never do any of this shit… How am I still single when this woman is texting herself from her partners phone while he’s asleep to set him up – to make him seem abusive? Or Noodle’s partner tracking his phone? How the fuck am I single?! I can’t even comprehend how these women get men & I have been single most of my life, struggling to get a guy to even go on a second date with me.

Anyway I talk the whole fucking night about Noodle, that it gets late when she asks if they can bring the mattress out to the lounge room, that they usually bring it out to the lounge room when his roommate isn’t home. I agree. They ask what toys I brought & I show them, neither have used a flogger or paddle so I use it on both of them, taking it in turns. He seems to like being hit a lot & she enjoys it too. They then try out on me, not taking it too far. We all take it in turns & then then end up just sitting on the mattress talking about kink, not about Noodle & past fucked up relationships this time. I realise that I am not in the frame of mind to have a 3sum with these two, well it’s not about them, it’s about any one right now. I shouldn’t be fucking any one right now. I am too distraught to be doing anything, this was a bad idea & I feel terrible for giving them hope, but I make my excuses & leave.

A few months later, post the pill overdose, I am trolling online for god knows what, filling a void of losing the daily chat to my best friend, filling a void of having amazing sex with my best friend. When I match with someone, I don’t recognise him at first but when I do, I ask him if he is the middle aged backpacker. He is… I ask if he’s still with my friend & he says they aren’t exclusive but yeah he still sees her. I tell him that I am not interested in getting involved with him but he keeps trying to get me to catch up with him without her.

One night after a couple of drinks, he is messaging me to come to his place to see him – he says that he hasn’t had sex in a few months, but I tell him again that I am not going to let him come between him & my friend. Not only do I not want to meet him without her knowing, but I also have seen in the last few months how quickly things got back to me with Noodle that I know that I am not going to take that risk either. That’s when he gets nasty, telling me that it I am missing out on an opportunity (even though he’s the one that hasn’t had sex in months?!), that he’s really good & even though he didn’t call me names, there was some real bitterness to his messages. I delete him after that. I mean why would I even go there after that display of whatever it was. Because I’m not willing to compromise my friendship, I am not even worthy of his conversation? I said that we could see her together, but I wouldn’t see him without her.

She had moved on to a new guy & so now he has no one at all. I see him every now & then when I have been on dating sites & he has been on there. As always I ignore any advances from him! I mean really… What a nasty piece of work!

#IBD4U

So with wine going down well one night, I am feeling a bit frisky again, or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to be alone when my friend goes home. My friend is telling me to post on the anonymous app & pick up a guy. I haven’t seen Noodle on there for a while & he’ll be offline right now probably fucking his partner in some kinky sex swing! OMG I need to stop thinking about whatever the fuck they are doing!

I post that I am looking for a one night hook up & my friend & I chat to some random men, I get a few pictures & finally find one that I think will be good for the night – exactly what I need, remember the song from Hip Hop. I just need someone to fill the void!

This guy comes over, again he is younger than me, probably just outside my 10 year age bracket, but at this point, I am not even caring. He’s cute, a little bit taller than me. I am a little bit drunk when he rocks up at my house. I remember to delete the post from the app so that Noodle doesn’t see it. I don’t want to accidentally talk to him. I am always so conscious when I use this app to make sure that I am not talking to Noodle.

We end up in my bedroom, we are kissing & it’s good kissing, I like this guy, he smells good, he’s doing all the right things, I am underneath him & he is on top of me when he tries to choke me, I push his hand away saying no. I mean you all know I like a little choking, but there is no way I’m allowing this stranger to even lightly choke me. I don’t know him, I don’t trust him, I am not allowing this to happen. He stops which is good, not that I didn’t think he would, but then he looks at me & says “You’re a good little slut, aren’t you” Now this normally wouldn’t affect me so much or probably at all, I had gotten used to these fun games with Dom & Noodle – fuck I loved it when Noodle called me “His slut” I was his slut, I am not this guys slut. I hate that he just called me that.. WTF. I don’t know what is happening, as he flips me over & starts doing me from behind, I start crying… OMFG!!! This has never happened to be before & this is fucking weird! WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING… I try to hide it but he asks if I am ok, I say yes & that he should just finish. He stops & lays down next to me. He asks again if I am ok, I mean clearly I am not. What the fuck has happened to me… Remember back at the beginning of this blog when I couldn’t cry & my friends made me watch soldiers coming home videos on YouTube but I still couldn’t cry… Now I’m fucking crying at the drop of a hat… What the fuck is wrong with me?!

He lays down next to me & spoons me as I try to control myself, feeling so embarrassed, which isn’t something that happens to me much – I don’t get embarrassed easily (Clearly you all know that because I write this blog which is very personal & lots of people that I know chat to me about it. -It is what it is…) I ask him to leave a few times, but he doesn’t, he just spoons me & it makes me cry more. FUCK. I just want this guy to go because I want to fucking lay here sobbing! But I guess he doesn’t want to leave the fucking nutcase crying lady alone, who wants to be that guy? I feel like a fucking idiot. No one ever sees me cry. I hate to cry in front of people. It’s like my pet hate or like the thing I hate showing people about me that I have a weakness or something…

I compose myself enough to ask him to leave again & tell him that I am fine. I mean, I am not but I need this guy to leave. I have to control myself to get him out. He finally leaves, look I give him credit for sticking around, he didn’t cum, I didn’t cum because the waterworks started (& not the good kind of waterworks!) so I am thankful he was sensitive. However I cannot face this guy again.

He leaves & I crumble at my front door like a fucking chick in a movie… I fall to the ground sobbing like a wanker. I cannot control the sobs. They come in bursts. I am cold & crying uncontrollably that when I finally pick myself up off the ground, I am also shaking like a leaf. I crawl into bed heaving, barely able to breathe. Why did this guy upset me so much? But it wasn’t this man, it was Noodle. I am not ready to be fucking other men, clearly – or was it because he called me something that Noodle used to call me…?

This poor sweet guy messages me a few times afterwards but I ignore him. I mean fuck, who wants to talk to the woman who bursts into tears during sex.

A year or so later, he joins my chat group & messages me again but I don’t reply. I mean fuck can’t this guy leave well alone? I mean crying during sex has to be worse than having a limp dick! I feel so bad but I just can’t face this guy again.

#IBD4U

Post Noodle, I am avoiding looking for a man online – especially on any chat apps because they are fucking on there – which kills me to know… I am shattered & hurt every time I think about them, every time I think about the fact he hasn’t written back to my email, I don’t even know if he got it! Is he even looking at that cheating email account? I am a shell of a human being… You cannot understand what this feels like as the Mistress to be so easily discarded unless you have been in my situation. I know some of you are thinking I am getting what I deserve, but you must remember – I am the single one here. I am allowed to be on chat apps & dating sites. Noodle was on them for 4 years before he met me…

I go out with a friend, who I rarely get to go out with to be honest, there is something going on at my local pub, which involves having to buy tickets – some hip hop event & then they make us line up in the street, like fucking really, my local fucking pub trying to look exclusive. It’s a local hip hop thing, so not like it’s the Hilltop hoods or anyone of notable mention. It’s fucking freezing, I wasn’t expecting to be standing outside so I didn’t bring a jacket. I have my beautiful hair extensions curled, I am skinnier than I have ever been, I look hot. I wish I felt as good as I looked. I’m wearing a black pleather skirt & white singlet, I have on some cute heels & yeah I look good but I am faking it.

The night goes on & we drink, I drink more than I should because I am finally just out & about, we sit & chat, we dance when the act is on. It’s a really good night. I decide that I am horny (well not really but I am not wanting to remember that Noodle is probably fucking his partner since it’s a Saturday night) & need someone to fuck me tonight to get over Noodle. To forget him… To forget what we had…

I don’t think the song was out at the time, but listen to Dancing with a Stranger by Sam Smith (below is the YouTube link) fuck it is my life song… (I think I need to make a #IBD4U playlist! Hahaha) I don’t want to be alone & I am definitely not over him! It is what I am trying to do, to get over Noodle…

Source: LyricFind

I suss out a lot of men that that, lets face it, my local isn’t a great place even on a normal night so there aren’t a lot of options, even at a hip hop event there are even less… Like lots of Nike air max paired with trackpants & baggy t-shirts with baseball caps… YEP! You know the look, a Hilltop Hood try hard look. My friend picks out a guy that she says has been looking at me all night, he is standing near by with his friend, so I decide to go up & strike up a conversation. He is not much taller than me, brown hair, cute face, he’s just inside my age bracket that I am willing to go – 10 years below, 10 years above. Hahaha.

I have no idea what I say to them for most of it, but I am standing there I do tell them that I want to take someone home – right now. When my friend comes up to say she’s going home, one of the guys walk away & so I look at the young guy still standing with me & ask if he wants to go home with me. He says yes. We get into a taxi & go back to my house, which I have to pay for! OMG, why don’t men have money – I don’t want to be a sugar mumma!

We fuck & yeah it’s ok, nothing to write home about (or blog about!), I mean I am just looking for a one night stand, I don’t want cuddles or anything more, this is just about sex. At least this guy can keep his dick hard. Once we’re done, I’m not really sure why but he sits on the floor next to my bed as I tell him that he has to go. He says that he has no money to catch a taxi back to the bar, which was only like $15 or something, but I tell him that I have called him a cab & he should call his friends to get them to meet him to pay for it. I call him a cab regardless even though he is begging me to stay over & says that he won’t try anything with me, he’ll just walk in the morning. I’m like, won’t try anything, we just fucked for god sake… Hahaha. But I am stubborn & I call the poor dude a taxi & make him leave. I have no idea what happens to him to be honest. If he gets in the cab or if he walks but at least I called one for him as I push him out the door… Well not quite pushed him out the door, but the taxi was there when I made him leave. He was still begging to stay.

I don’t know why I kick him out so quickly, but I am hell bent that no guy is going to sleep over! I wanted Noodle too so badly, that I don’t think I can handle waking up to anyone else – which is stupid since I never spent the night next to Noodle. I don’t really want to have one night stands either actually, but I can’t really commit to anything else. I have Crows on the regular, I don’t want to get attached to anyone, I mean I don’t even think I could get attached to anyone at this point to be honest, but this is about the emotional capacity that I have right now.

I didn’t exchange numbers with this guy, obviously you can tell why but I do see him again at the same pub a few weeks later. He notices me but never comes to talk to me, I mean would you talk to the bitch that kicked you out when you had no money & shoved you in a taxi anyway?

#IBD4U

I decide that I am ready for something, post Noodle. Bahaha… What a stupid thought… But I want what I had with him only better, with someone who is single, who also loves me – I’ve put it out in the universe for the checklist now, so come at me T**y – from the psychic.

My friend is single for the first time in almost 10 years, I finally have someone to go out with. We decide to go speed dating! WHY? I mean this will be the third time that I have done this, been to speed dating… But I am determined that this time will be different!

I feel really good about myself having lost 35kgs, I am looking better than when I was with Noodle – mainly because I haven’t eaten in 2 months & I’m finally fitting into a size 10 skirt so I feel like this might be my night. I may meet someone like I should have the first time I went Speed Dating. I feel more confident with my new look, I have a cute outfit on a short grey skirt, black top, black tights & black high boots with a wooden look heel. I am also very much more aware about the fact that I am actually loveable, I am in an amazing place in my life (besides the lack of my love life) but otherwise I have a great job that I love, I am have a home that I am upgrading & love, I also have just secured an investment property (with the help of my parents). I am a strong career woman who is also studying law & is educated… I shouldn’t let the fact that Noodle & every other single guy on the planet gets scared about these facts. There has to be a guy out there that is strong enough to be with me.

The speed dating night starts off with my friend & I having a drink at the bar prior, sussing out the people who are coming & going. We then have to stupidly wait until the 2^nd break for the free wine & food – I needed another wine to start this shit. I assumed they would give it to us right away, well a wine at least!

We have our first few dates & I feel quite good about the night. I am not really finding anyone that attractive at first sight. I know that sometimes it takes time. With Noodle, I always found him attractive but the more I fell for him, the more I found him the sexiest thing alive!

The table I am at is very wonky & at least 2 of them when they sit down spill their drinks on me, like actually on me! Fucking hell… I assume it is nerves that make them spill their drinks as they sit down. They both seem very flustered about it & I find it quite funny – I mean what else can I say… I feel a bit sorry for them, but try to have a good night.

Every guy is a lot older than me mainly because of the age bracket my friend & I are in, she’s a little older so we went with the older group. I am not really feeling the chemistry with anyone except one guy, he’s cute & funny, that he sort of reminds me of a few guys I have liked in the past, all rolled into one. But I’ve had a few wines at this point & I have no idea what I say to him on the speed date – in fact I don’t remember much from any of the speed dates, but that could just be selective memory.

I find a way to talk to this guy at the end of the night too & I think that when we talk that we have some chemistry, we stand in the hallway talking for a while & he seems interested. I hope that we’ve ticked yes to each other on our cards.

My friend calls me to go downstairs with her, I say I’ll be back but then we leave & I never get to actually say good bye to him. I hope & pray that we both ticked yes to each other then I will get to talk to him again & potentially date this guy, He’s the first guy I’ve felt any sort of spark with since Noodle (I know that’s only been a couple of months & I never thought I’d have a spark or chemistry with anyone ever again, so the fact that I felt a little something with this guy is monumental for me!)

The next day I get the matches a few people message but I am not interested in any. The company actually stuff it up & give out the wrong details to people. People I didn’t tick yes to, are in my match list? WTF. The same thing happens to my friend, so then I get a bunch of messages from guys I don’t even remember, they really should use pictures on the cards.

I message the spark guy because we match, but I’m unsure if that was a mistake of the company or not… Obviously a mistake because I get nothing back at all from him. I am deflated. Another dude messages me, I must’ve told him about the blog because he says with the mix up of numbers, there might be a blog in that. He also says “Would you like to catch up for a coffee/drink? I imagine you’ll have lots of offers as you were really entertaining to chat with!” WOW, am I entertaining? Why didn’t I like this guy? I tell another one that I am keen to meet him, he takes days to reply & says something about catching up then he says have a great weekend & I never hear from him again… I tell another one that the company stuffed up my matches & who was he (because I can’t place this guy) He says “I spilled some of my drink on myself & on the table! You said I didn’t get any on you though” Oh fuck… Why is always the ones you don’t want that want you, but the ones you do don’t want you?

So I just leave it with all of them. I knew that I am not ready to date or to meet new people. I hate online dating & I hate speed dating. Why do I keep going? This is the third fucking time I’ve been. Oh yeah, because I do know a couple that met at speed dating right after I was with Boyfriend, like 12 years ago! Why does everyone else get a fairy tale & I am still single…

#IBD4U

The next week, I’m still talking to Fireman, I’ve met with Cowboy for the morning coffee & now Fireman is suggesting that I come over that afternoon, I do… Because I do like him & did like hanging out with him the other night, I was glad we didn’t have sex to be honest. I mean I need to have some self-control. This guy might not be a rebound, he could be a good guy, he could be a guy that I end up dating… I don’t need to jump into bed with him straight away – just because Noodle is having wild sex, doesn’t mean I have too… Wild sex might come eventually, but I just need to enjoy the dating part, the part I missed out with Noodle. The part I never got. The part I really like that I haven’t had in a while & when I have had, they are usually a douche. This guy isn’t a douche & seems interested even though we haven’t had sex.

We sit & chat, in his lounge room, watching some more tv, nothing exciting, we don’t have sex which is probably for the best as I said before but I am really enjoying hanging out with him & could potentially see myself liking this guy. He’s not that funny, but I think he could be funnier once I get to know him more?

I leave early in the afternoon as I have somewhere to go & this guy does live 90 minutes away from me. That sucks to be honest… But it is what it is. Fireman & I talk a lot, but I am studying Law, which I am not doing very well right now, let me tell you… I am having the crisis with Noodle – not eating, sleeping or studying. I don’t see Fireman again for basically two months, I mean during that time, Noodle has left his partner, she had a drug overdose & I’ve been fucking Crows, among other people.

When I do see Fireman again, he comes to my house. I am writing an essay & have to get it finished so I feel really rude but he was the one that insisted on coming over. I finish it terribly, asking his advice too. We decide to go to the movies, so we head on out. He drives in his hot car, it’s a lexus & it’s fucking nice! This would be hot car to fuck in… Hmmm, I must stop thinking about fucking in cars! When we get home to my house, we watch some more tv but he makes a move on me, kissing me & we go into my bedroom. We’re fooling around & when we go to have sex, Fireman can’t keep his dick hard & the sex isn’t very good. I mean he isn’t a great kisser, so I should have known!

This has been a few months, close to 5 months of build up (chatting & catching up) & he can’t even keep it hard?! Fuck my life! This is not what I need… A guy I am getting along with but no fucking chemistry in the bedroom! This is fucked. I feel like shit. Even worse, he jumps up & says that he has to go because it’s a long drive etc. I mean this guy could stay, but I can’t even be bothered asking him to stay at this point.

I have Crows, things are going well with him, I just didn’t want to fall into the trap of just fucking one guy, especially when I have no idea who is telling me the truth. I mean Fireman had told me he was broken up with his partner & living in separate rooms but recently moved out. I don’t know if I believe Crows story though, but who gives a fuck.

I don’t hear or see Fireman again, he leaves the groups on the chat app & I figure that I am not going to chase some dude that couldn’t keep it hard then ran away. Let me just state this – I have NO problem with a guy not staying hard during sex, but I DO have a problem with them jumping up & running away like they are embarrassed, what they don’t realise is that it makes the woman feel really ugly & shit. They can also still use their fingers & mouth if their cock isn’t working!

Crows & I had talked about the 3sum thing a bit that I had created a sort of joint online account (with his permission) to see if we can find another chick & another man to join us at some point. I avoid the website that Noodle was on with his partner, so I am on another site & who should pop up, but Fireman.

What a small place Adelaide is, I see Fireman view our profile & he starts a conversation with me. I didn’t screenshot it, I wish I did because I can’t remember what we said but he obviously got jealous because Crows had given me a ripped chest picture to put up & Fireman wasn’t that ripped, he was doing really well losing weight but he wasn’t anywhere near there yet.

I never see Fireman again after that. I am kind of sad that he just disappears because he was so fucking good to me when things ended with Noodle. I am not sure why this guy help me though something so terrible as a heartbreak, was there to support me & now just disappears. When I was a fucking mess, he was there, now I’m more together, he ghosts me? I mean is it because I’m not crazy that guys aren’t that interested in me?Because this isn’t a long post, I will put you out of your misery on this seemingly nice guy (even though he ghosted me!) & tell you what happens rather than making a short post to keep this in the correct timeline followed by another short post in a few months’ time when I am up to date!

So about 12 months later, Fireman comes back onto the chat app & joins my group. I ignore his presence in the group. He finally private messages me after a few days, I’m surprised that it took him that long to be honest. He apologises for disappearing & that he hopes there is no hard feelings, “I was an asshole” I tell him that he was but I’m not that pathetic & that I’m surprised at how much effort he put in for a one night stand, I mean this guy helped me through some tough shit with the whole Noodle break up. He says that he didn’t want to ghost me but he was ashamed by his shithouse performance. I am flabbergasted, I mean did he really ghost me because he couldn’t stay hard? Fuck men are stupid. He also says that the distance was a killer, which I tell him that I went to his house more than he came to mine, so that’s just fucking dumb.

He then says “I felt like (& correct me if I’m wrong) you possible wanted more that I would have been willing to give also” I literally laugh out loud when I read that, is this guy kidding me? I remind him that I was completely fucked up at the time, he knew that, I talked of nothing but Noodle & how much I was in love with him still, I tell Fireman that I considered him a good friend to be able to tell him that stuff, I also remind him that he saw my profile with another man & then never spoke to me again too. How can he think I was falling for him? I tell him that what we had was exactly what I wanted, a actual friend who I could fuck. He tells me that he wanted the same & still considered me a good friend, he says that he wants to redeem himself & that he’s worked on himself over the last few months so is in a better place… I tell him that the distance is still the same but he says he has a new job so the distance isn’t so bad. I joke saying he could rub cream into my sunburnt back right now but he says he’s near Murray Bridge & suggests tomorrow night. I stupidly agree that he can come over after my family has gone at about 9:00 pm, to which he agrees. He tries to get me to come to his house & says I can sleep over but I say that if he wants to make it up to me, then he’ll come to mine. He agrees!

He says that he wants some pictures (what a fucking surprise!) I say that he doesn’t deserve them & he says “Daddy normally gets what he wants though” First of all, he’s not my daddy, second, I am not a little & will never call a man daddy. Master or Sir, yes (if they are my Dom) but never daddy. I tell him he is not my daddy & he says “Yet.” I literally laugh again, fucking never going to happen dude! I keep mentioning that the distance is a problem, he asks if I’m ever going to let that go. I tell him “All I said to you was that I wanted more sex… then you took that as I loved you & ran away…” He laughs & says it wasn’t like that. He seems so appreciative that I am even talking to him right now, I mean I must be so sad & desperate that I am chatting to this dude again… I also remind Fireman that there was even a time when he actually had to ask me to stop talking about Noodle because I never shut up about it with him, mainly because Fireman was my friend & was with me though the whole thing.

The following day he is supposed to meet about 9:00 pm at my house, but at 5:30 pm I get a message from him “Afternoon. Any chance we can raincheck tonight? I’ve only just got home from my course & I’m knackered. I’m free weds, thurs, fri if any of those suit you?” I read it & don’t reply, I mean really… FUCK I’m so stupid. I feel like such a wanker! (also it’s a Sunday, what course?!) He writes back again about 30 minutes later saying “Thanks for replying, I take it you’re no longer interested. Take care yourself & all the best.” Like really… I am so done with this guy – he hasn’t he even said the word sorry? “What did you expect me to say?! Yeah no worries Fireman, dick me around & lie to me some more so you can ghost me again?! I felt like a fuck wit for even giving you a second chance in the first place then you bail. Your message to raincheck just reiterated that should’ve trusted my gut… I wish you all the best & hope you can be honest in the future.” He replies “Was going to type a reply to that but I’m not one to be nasty. Thanks for the well wishes, likewise.” OMG what could he say to me that is nasty? I don’t even care. I read it, screenshot it for the blog & delete him.

About 6 months after that, I never hear from him again but I am chatting to my friend, she asks me if Fireman is who she thinks  it is, I tell her it is & she says that he was a mega douche to her too, when she didn’t want to see him about the same time he was trying to see me. I mean we weren’t exclusive (obviously I had a online account with Crows), so I’m not bothered about that, but shit men can be so horrible sometimes… (So can women, but this is my blog! Hahaha)

#IBD4U

Ok, so this story goes against what I do – a little, as it’s not a dating story per se, it’s not even about a man I’m dating, but just something odd that happened to me that I think I should talk about. This type of stuff doesn’t happen to me often, well this doesn’t ever happen to me. But woerd things do happen to me, this is just one of them!

It’s almost Christmas (post Noodle – skipping ahead a bit since you all wanted a post every day this week). I’ve been invited to a party of a colleague/friend at their house, I go with another colleague/friend. I ask the hostess if she wants any help with anything but she says no, so many times that I almost stop asking. But my forte is helping in the kitchen & I also don’t know a lot of people so I figure that hiding making canapés is a good idea.

Several canapés down, I’ve basically taken over in the kitchen, everyone is saying what a good job I am doing & they are all very thankful. This is just type of person I am, my sister organises a party but doesn’t always execute it, so I sometimes take over. Maybe that’s the Leo in me. I’m not sure, but there is something in me that wants me to take over, be the hostess & person doing everything.

As I walk around with platters of food, I am getting lots of compliments on the job I am doing. As a side note, I actually feel pretty good about the way I look too, I am wearing the white dress that Noodle was obsessed with (as well as every other guy on the chat app when it was my profile pic), my hair has perfectly curled tonight & I am wearing cute heels, to be honest, it’s a waste of my effort for this party – there don’t seem to be any single men here.

After a while, I kick off the shoes as I am walking food around & busy in the kitchen. A few men thank me for the work I am doing but one of the wives gets weird about it. I had barely talked to him but his wife later picked up my shoes, brought them to me & asked if she could put them on, I reluctantly said ok, being a bit weirded out about this, not really knowing what else to say, then she walked over to her husband & asked what he thought, then he asked to buy my dress & I look at him weirdly, & didn’t really think about my reply, when I said “So I’m just going to walk around in my underwear?” which he smiles & says that he’d buy that too… WTF? I kind of walk away feeling awkward as fuck, cleaning up the whole house of glasses, bottles & platters, as it was so weird, why was she wearing my shoes & why was he wanting my dress & underwear – it’s a cute dress but this is odd…

Later in the night when the guy walks up to me to tell me to drink & stop cleaning, he puts his arm around me in a friendly manner to say ‘you’ve done a good job’ type thing, I didn’t feel like he was being sleezy, when I hear his name snapped, in that tone that says don’t fuck with me by his wife & I think holy fuck, he just said what a good job I was doing. Further into the night I am sitting down looking at my phone, trying to avoid her & him plus get my taxi app to work as I want to get the fuck out of here. When he comes up to me again, put his arm around me again, I ask him to leave me the fuck alone & he asks ‘Why, cos my wife might scratch your eyes out?” I’m like yeah so get away from me. He laughs but leaves me alone. If only he knew that I’ve dealt with one crazy wife this year, he’d know why I didn’t even want him near me.

To be honest with you, I don’t think he did anything to make her snap, so I wonder if there was a pre-existing issue there – like he’s cheated on her or something in the past, but I didn’t even show any signs of flirting or anything with him, as you all know I have major self-esteem issues so I honestly thought he was just being nice since I had waited on everyone all night & cleaned the house. It was awkward, even my friend said so.

However later in the night it happened to be the couple who hosted, my friend & the weird couple left waiting for cabs. She was so nice when the real hostess was saying how amazing I was & thanking me for helping out so much, the weirdo who wore my shoes was saying I was so beautiful & lovely… WTF? This is fucking weird, it’s almost 1:00 am, I want to go home. I am desperate for my ride to come or their taxi to come. When their taxi arrives, he comes up to say goodbye to me, I give him a half ass hug & I get a kiss on the cheek. -Just leave me alone dude!

I have to say that was one of the weirdest things to happen to me. I can only assume that there is some trust issues there, that I am unaware of & it made me think that that is what Noodle’s life will be like now, not they would ever go out to a random party like that, but he’d probably be drilled at every interaction with another woman.

Anyway because of the nature of the evening, I thought it deserved a blog post, not about dating as such, but just another weird thing I have to go though as a single reasonable looking chick, that’s just trying to be a good friend to a friend having a party!

So since then though, I have found out some more information! A little goss… I ask my friend about the couple & what their deal is & he starts laughing… That’s not a good sign! But he says that they are friends with them, but interestingly the story on how the couple met is slightly unusual too. They were brother & sister in law. How does that work? Well she was married to a guy & he was married to that guys sister… Are you following me? Something obviously happened & they left the brother & sister behind & got married themselves. So I guess that’s where her trust issues come into it. She obviously thinks that everyone is trying to steal her man. Well I can tell you right now, I’ve had enough married men to last me a lifetime!

A further few months after that Christmas party, I am at another function, in an amazing long narrow house, looking amazing in a long navy forever new dress when who should walk in, but this crazy brother & sister in law now couple. FUCK. One of my amazing friends does everything she can to ensure that we are at opposite ends of the house. However, standing outside overlooking the ocean, she comes up to us & knows my friend so says hello then looks at me & says “Oh I don’t know you. Oh maybe I do” & my friend sort of intercepts & we walk back inside… OMG. No more crazy, please!

#IBD4U

Side Note: Welcome to my 250th post! Wow… I’m so thankful you are all still reading!

Why am I still fucking this married guy Crows, I will never know… But I am. I’m not attached but I am at a point where I don’t want to keep fucking random men who are bad in bed. I am so fucking hurt & angry from the recent events in my life. I almost had what I wanted, it was at the tip of my fingers & it slipped though… There is nothing more devastating than losing someone you still love.

Crows is sexy, ripped & very good in bed. I know what I’m getting with this guy & it’s just sex. Good sex, so why not? The only time I don’t think about Noodle, is when this guy is fucking me, so why wouldn’t I use this distraction? He wants too, I want too. He says that he’s separated… Not my problem if he’s not. Definitely isn’t the first guy to lie to me & I doubt he’ll be the last… We talk most days but not all day long. I never want that again, I never want to get into another text relationship – I want to see the person, I don’t want to just chat online & fall in love then never get to see them. That was torture!

Another couple of weeks later, we hadn’t spoken for a few days, because you know me, I don’t message unless they message first. But also I don’t believe his story of being separated & while it’s not my problem, I don’t know if I want to get involved with another married guy or even just a guy with baggage. I get a message from him & he asks me if I’m still talking to him, I say of course. But I’m also not going to make the effort with this guy, I don’t want to make an effort with someone that has baggage…

When Crows & I catch up again, it’s at 1:30 am when he has just finished work – I think he works quite far away from me & I’m like 20 minutes past his house. So he has to go out of his way. This is also why I think his story is bullshit to be honest. I mean why can’t he meet me at normal time? I guess he’s just finished work & on his way home, I’m sort of awake when we’re messaging, so why not? I leave the door unlocked (like what the fuck #IBD4U, why do you do that?!) & I lay in bed but I fall asleep, which I tell him might happen but to wake me up, thus allowing this man to just crawl into my bed… Why do I keep doing that? It’s dark in my room & he slips into bed with me, I am sleepy as fuck.

I also don’t think I told you about my break up hair crisis properly, have I? I think we all have one of these to be honest – do something drastic with our hair. When I broke up with Boyfriend, I dyed my hair dark brown because he preferred it. While I was with Noodle the night I was going to do the naughty nurse thing but his partner got sent home from hospital, I put in stupid cheap clip in hair extensions. Obviously that didn’t happen but I sent him a picture and he said I looked hot as fuck, so I talked to my hairdresser about a payment plan & started paying off a set of proper extensions. Ironically, Noodle & I had broken up before he ever saw them & I had them put in the weekend after I got my keys back. So not a crazy cut or colour, just $600 worth of hair added to my own! I actually loved it & am trying to hard to grow my hair, but it’s blonde & snaps all the time… Hahaha.

So Crows was one of the first to see me with long hair, though he had only fucked me once with my just past my shoulder length hair, when he jumped into bed behind me he just cuddles me – spooning me, I for a split second think of Noodle & when he used to do that to me, I sort of don’t move or want to wake up, but I do snuggle into him. He kisses my neck & strokes my hair, which I fucking adore, he stokes it for a long time, so long that I wonder if we are going to fuck but I keep dozing in & out of sleep. The only reason I turn to face him is because I am scared he can feel the hair extensions against my scalp. We kiss a lot & he says that we don’t have to fuck if I’m too tired or sleepy. I tell him that I do want to fuck him, so we start kissing, we do it in the pitch darkness, probably the first time in a long time where I have had sex in the complete darkness – I usually have a candle burning which I always think it too romantic but didn’t like my overhead light on so recently bought a lamp for such occasions.

The sex is a bit clunky in the dark, to be honest, he goes down on me, which I have to say is some of the best head I’ve had in my life from this guy, then as he comes up to fuck me, we clunk teeth a bit & giggle. I grab a condom & he fucks me till he cums. He lays there for a little talking. I tell him he gives the best head & he seems surprised & says really. I’m like fuck yes dude that was amazing & he tells me that his wife doesn’t like it…WTF is wrong with her? & there you go, I don’t think they’re as separated as he says they are! But who doesn’t like having their pussy licked? I mean really? Apparently she thinks it’s dirty… OMG! I hope she doesn’t read this blog with the fricken dirty things I get up too! Hahaha.

When he says he should go, I agree, it’s almost 3:00 am & I’m fucking tired. But that was worth staying up for! I never thought I would find someone to make me forget Noodle, even if it’s just for an hour… I sleep blissfully, satisfied & happy, it’s the best sleep I’ve had in months & I am thankful for the good rogering I just had.

We chat a bit over the next week when he arranges to come over after work again, this time I am home from work & he finishes earlier so we meet at 4:30 pm. A more respectable time that makes me wonder if he really does have this separated relationship he talks about – maybe it is true? I don’t know & like I said, I just don’t care at this point. I just need to be fucked by someone that knows what they’re doing. I don’t want to add too many notches on my bed posts & I am not ready to date anyone, so this guy is a perfect rebound. He’s not looking for anything (as far as I know because he’s still living with his wife) & I certainly don’t want to be in anything yet. I am still holding out hope things will go to shit for Noodle & he’ll come back to me… I know, I know I’m dumb, you don’t need to tell me that! I am stupid & think it every day that I wake up thinking about Noodle. Like he was a complete douche but I fucking love him… I know some of you have said there is someone else out there for me, but it took me 36 years to find one man to love me… I don’t want to wait another 36 for my next chance. You all remember that my biggest fear was dying & never having been loved, now that I have been loved, which I thought would last forever once I found it. My biggest fear is now that I won’t find it again, that I had a completely life changing love & I won’t find it again? I know everyone says that I will find it again, but will I?

Anyway, this is a Crows story! Poor guy, I get distracted even writing about Noodle! So Crows comes over & fucks me, I allow him to tie me to the x restraints on my bed & do all sorts of things to me. It’s not super kinky, mainly him edging me till I almost cum & then stopping… One of Noodles favourite games! Why do men find that so hot? It is because I call them a prick? Or because I get so frustrated & beg? Anyway we fuck for quite a while, I really enjoy my time with him, as I’m about to cum, he kisses me so deeply that I can barely breathe, it makes it so intense – especially since I’m tied up like a starfish unable to move. WOW. I really like that!

Crows & I actually talk about what other things we like to do, he wants a 3sum with another woman, what a fucking surprise & I tell him that I want a 3sum with another man, he tells me that if I set it up, he’ll definitely be keen. We also talk about going to a swingers play party together & I start looking into where we can actually do this in Adelaide. Turns out I know a lot more kinky people that I thought, because once I put it out there, I get a lot of offers & many suggestions about where to go, what ones are the best etc. I start to put a plan forward with Crows about how this will go down.

I even chat to a couple I know that I think would be interested in a 4sum, I mean this guy is hot, so there is definitely not going to be a problem for another woman, & the guy is a friend of mine, I may have mentioned before Holden. So I end up asking them if they are interested & we make a chat group on the chat app just the 4 of us. I think if Noodle is having 3sums & sex on his own with other women, the fuck him, I am going to fuck anything & everything, I’m going to try new things, be kinky as fuck… Not because I don’t love him or want him, but because I need to get over the fact that he chose her over me…

#IBD4U

At 10:30 pm I finally get a message from Noodle, I have stayed awake hoping that he will message me, he’s taken his keys again when he left, so I know that if I was asleep, he would of just come in. This will be his house now, I guess! He tells me that she’s pretty fucked & he feels really bad. He asks me how I am going, which surprises me, I just tell him that I have been trying to think about how I can make it easy on him, how I should take myself out of the equation. I just tell him that it’s hard for me to hear that he’s leaving or wants too but then she does something & he’s pulled back in. I get it, it’s been 11 years & they have 2 kids. But I want someone to want to be with me. “It’s fucking hard when she pulled something like tonight. I was fully prepared today. Think proved that too” WOW, he’s speaking in past tense with me. He did that with her today & she even said something to him about it. I am so hurt & so broken that I let him in here… “It’s manipulation that fucking works hardcore tho” Yeah I know Noodle & you’re falling for it. You fell for the open relationship/kinky shit & now you’re falling for more manipulation. I mean I know it’d be fucking hard to walk away from that, but even their families, would they really want them to be together?

I don’t get a message from him in the morning, so I message. He asks how I am, I mean, how am I? I am fucking broken & hurt. I just say that I am worried about him making a decision out of guilt. I tell him that I am in team planning & will check my phone all day. He says “Thanks, fuck your too good to me” I reply “I love you a lot & want to see you happy.” but he reads it & never replies. A few hours later, I message “Can I see you at some point tonight?” knowing that they will probably keep her in hospital a few days. He never reads it. Fucking prick…

I am not really there at work, I am physically there, but I am constantly looking at my chat app account. I don’t get notifications for the anonymous app but something tells me to check it. There are 11 messages… WTF? I’m not really chatting to anyone on there, who is messaging me… “Hey it’s Noodle. So I told my partner everything. She knows where you live but won’t do anything cos I got my stuff. I’m soooooo sorry. I had full intentions of leaving. & she knew that & that’s why she did what she did. I’m stupid & hate the fact I dragged you back in, I never wanted to use & had the intent of proper leaving which lead to the pill over dose. She will come for you if you contact me. I’m so sorry. It was a good yesterday tho. She had my phone so don’t message me.” WHAT THE FUCK ON SO MANY LEVELS! He’s been to my house & got his stuff? Like a thief on the night? Used his key, like he said he never would without me knowing? & taking an mentally ill patient to my house? Why is she out of hospital already anyway? What the fuck. What the actual factual fuck! “I seriously can’t believe this… I hate that you don’t even give me an opportunity to say goodbye & have been to my house without telling me… You made me such a fool! I hope your life with her is everything you dreamed of with me! I wish you believed in me more!” I am so gutted, but I don’t want to be the nuts one here, so fuck him. “She wouldn’t let me go alone. Thought it would be best you guys didn’t meet. Your not a fool. Just fucked up shit happened that I couldn’t do it. I believed in you & was 100% ready to leave her for you & yeah she tried to kill herself in front of me. Very confronting & emotional. I’m so sorry. I know I’ve done it out of pity & I’m dumb. I fully intended on leaving. Your not a fool.”

I am struggling to get out of work, my boss is trying to keep me there late but I tell her there is some stuff going on & I have to leave at 5:00 pm. I need to make sure my house is ok, I don’t know what state he’ll have left it in. “I know it’s confronting but you’ve been manipulated & are going to regret your decision. I hate that you took her to my house. You always said you’d protect my identity…. & hate that you never give me a chance. I am a fool… The fact that you weren’t allowed to go alone or couldn’t wait till I got home & that she had your phone should be an indication of what your life is going to be like from now on…” & all I get back is, “Your not a fool” What a wanker. I am done replying.

I get home just after 6:00 pm, dying to know what has happened in my house. I check my letter box & there is a maccas receipt with a note in all capitals “DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN YOU HOME WRECKING WHORE.” Oh good! Thanks Noodle… His keys are under my mat, I pick them up & that kind of kills me a little. I go inside & all my house is the same however it feels different. The bags in the lounge room are gone, the bags in my bedroom are gone. There is a note on my frige note pad, “Love you – Noodle. So sorry” I send a picture of the note she left me in my letterbox to Noodle. Not even sure if he’s online or will check it. “Sorry… I did not know she did that. She knows we were in contact & in love. My intention was to leave, I’m so sorry to have fucked with you.” I am so angry, that all I want to do is drive to their house & do something I will probably regret. Instead I go to my friends house with a bottle of wine. I can’t be alone. “Can’t believe you took her to my house… I would’ve got your shit back to you…” I mean I don’t know how but he didn’t have to bring her to my house. There were other ways that could’ve happened. “How? She wanted to go tonight. She would of said worse stuff in person. She won’t do anything she promised” Oh right, I fucking believe someone who just tried to have a drug overdose is in a sane mind to promise not to do anything to me! “I trust her about as far as I can throw her Noodle. Did she go inside?! Does she know what I look like?” At least at this stage I know she still thinks my name is something else. “She doesn’t want me to leave her she won’t piss me off. No she didn’t, just sat in the car. Where did she leave that?” I tell him in the letterbox. He says that he feels bad & he’s sorry. I say take care & he says take care too. “Least we got a kiss goodbye.” I want to stab him! Fuck him…I am at my friends house when I get a message on the chat app from a account Noodle only used for a few hours while his other account was blocked. “I never want to see or hear from u again. U mean nothing to me, I just needed a place to stay. If u ever contact me again she knows where you live.” Right well first of all, I know that’s not Noodle. He never uses text speak. I am at my friends house & lucky for Noodle that I am because I was going to say I’m not sure why he’s messaging me now, when we’ve already said our goodbyes on the anonymous app… My friend tells me to take the high road “I’m sorry you feel that way… You should stop contacting me then… I loved having your kids with me yesterday & rocking your daughter to sleep twice & chatting to your son. I truly hope you are happy. xxx” I actually wish I said something different to that to be honest now, but anyway. I mean I should’ve said more… But fuck he’s lucky I’m so level headed sometimes. Now she also knows what I look like, as my profile picture is my face, he could’ve warned me she was going to message me. I would’ve changed my picture. She replies “Yeah it was nice. But I can’t. She means everything to me. & u were just a play thing.” Again I wish now that I said something different, but I chose to take the high road again “Well I know that’s not true, regardless of what you say… The last year with you has been amazing & what ever you say now won’t take that time we spent together away from me. I think you need to stop contacting me. I hope you’re happy. I love you. xxx” Fuck that took all my might not to be a nut case & cause shit… I am certain she doesn’t know everything! Especially if that’s the account she’s using to message me & I send a screen shot to him on the anonymous app & he says “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” I mean fuck, he tells me not to contact him but she’s allowed to do whatever she likes to me?! Are you kidding? I am so fucking hurt right now… But I can’t cry. I go back to not sleeping or eating!

The next day I email him, I am so fucking furious right now, I don’t even care what she is capable of, I’m not scared of what she might do… I don’t know if she knows about the secret email account or not but I word it carefully in case she does. I also attach a screenshot the chat where he says goodbye to me, just in case she knows about the email & she’s the one to read it, not him. But here is the email I sent him…

“I know you messaged me on anonymous app & told me not to message you again cos she knows where I live now & has taken your phone but I don’t give a fuck anymore…

I am so angry you brought her to my house, you always promised me you’d protect my identity… What a joke Noodle. This is my forever home!!

Some best friend you turned out to be… Who does that?!

& as if she promised not to do anything, well you may trust her, but I sure as hell don’t…

I hate that you came to my house while I wasn’t here too, you also said you’d never do that. I would have made sure you got your stuff back, my sister could’ve met you or I could’ve taken it to you work, your mum/sister could’ve met me down the street… A million ways you could’ve got your stuff back without bringing her to my fucking house or either of you having to see me…

So gutless the way you say goodbye to me too, via the anonymous app… Can’t even stand up to your partner & say you need to see me to say a proper goodbye…

I believed you every time you’ve said you wanted to leave her, which was more times that you probably realise… So much so, I spent the day with you, held your baby all day & comforted you, gave you advice about her not being able to leave the state (again!). Learn your legal rights Noodle.

It’s not 1989 anymore!!

You said she knows everything but does she really know everything…

• That we were together for 14 months – messaging every single day, every single second that she wasn’t around you,
• that we kept in contact a lot while we were broken up,
• that you considered me to be your girlfriend,
• that we fucked at least once a week (usually more) for an entire year,
• that we fell for each other really early on,
• that I’ve been to your house a few times, once even just for a hug (that turned into a cheeky blow job!),
• that we stopped using condoms after like 4 months,
• that we talked about everything, not just sex,
• that we had sex in your bed while she was in hospital after giving birth to your daughter,
• that a few times you didn’t shower after fucking me & slept next to her with my cum on your cock,
• that you had 4 chat app accounts & have been on anonymous app & chat app for over 5 years,
• that you wanted to get me valentines day flowers but I was away for work,
• that I had keys cut for you & you had them for about 8 months,
• that you consider me to be your best friend & have wanted to maintain that friendship the whole time we’ve been apart,
• that you wanted my panties & then used them to jerk off, sending me a video of you doing it,
• that we videoed & took pics of a lot of our sexcapades,
• that we had a threesome in January,
• that our sex life was so comfortable, we were kinky from the 2nd fuck, not after 11 years,
• that you saw me for lunch after we ended,
• that our biggest fantasy was spending the whole night together & we almost did the night she was in hospital having your daughter,
• that we went out for lunch dates & to the gym together,
• that we had baths together,
• that you used to park your car somewhere & I’d pick you up after you couldn’t fake your location,
• that you used to fake your location,
• that you’d pop in & fuck me on the way to work at like 5 or 6am & even came to see me that morning after you had to take her to hospital when she had those pains – pretending to be at the gym,
• that you took days off work to spend with me,
• that every Tues night you lied about what times you worked so you could spend more time with me,
• that we bought each other Christmas presents,
• that we fucked in your old store, including you fucking my ass & then another time with a USB cord tied around my wrists,
• that we had sex so many times in fun spots, train station (you even looked up the train timetable), the car wash, side streets, gym, work… List goes on! &
• that you said I love you first! Via the chat app & also in person…

But most of all, does she know that if she hadn’t taken those pills in front of you, that you’d be with me right now?!

I mean does she really know everything?!

Maybe show her this brief list of our relationship & she can see that I wasn’t just a “play thing”, as she said in her chat app message to me from your account!!

I honestly can’t believe she is a 30 yr old mother of 2 with the way she’s behaving. The attention seeking suicide attempt, the note in my letterbox, the chat app messages from your account & the text messages when she first found out (even if they were to the wrong number but she still tried to message me!).

I could’ve done so much to you to ruin everything for you & I still could fuck with her… But you know I won’t.

Would’ve been nice to have the same courtesy from you, instead of bringing her to my fucking house!! That’s seriously the worst thing anyone has ever done to me… I fucking hate that you did that Noodle.

You said you’re staying out of pity & it’s dumb, you’re gonna hate yourself so much for letting me go… When you realise what a big mistake you’ve made… Don’t bother contacting me if you haven’t moved out, cos you’re the boy who cried wolf & I don’t want to hear it…

You’ve made such a fool out of me…”

What do you know… Noodle never replies… Lucky this time I am angry, so I don’t even try to write to him again, begging for his attention. I am done. This is unforgivable.

#IBD4U

I write back “what?” Because I have no idea what the fuck is going on? I’m still asleep, am I dreaming? Is this a joke? Noodle wouldn’t joke about this… What the fuck is happening? I don’t get a reply as I am walking out the door so I send “I’m about to leave I am not leaving keys out to feel like a fool if you don’t end up using them…” (Even though I slip the keys under the mat.) I just have this feeling, that it’s not over. But what the fuck has happened? My heart is pounding in my chest…

I have been looking at my phone non stop for the last 45 minutes, trying to work out what the fuck is happening. Finally it beeps… “I’m leaving her for you. It’s over trust me. Having a fight, she wants me to take the kids.” Does he mean he doesn’t want to have the kids? “You can take the kids to my house you know…” He asks me what he should do. I can’t help but be a little excited but scared about this. Am I going to get what I want?! “If it’s over & she wants you to take the kids, then take them… You’re going to have this same fight forever if you stay.” He tells me that he’s dressing the kids now. I ask him if he wants me to stay home & he says “If you could please” I know that he wouldn’t ask me if he didn’t really need me… He’s not the type to show a vulnerable side. I turn around & go home. Fuck he is going to be so messed up about this & while he says it’s over, I know it’s not…

“Fake sake she’s being a manipulative cunt about it. Gonna have to ring the cops I think. She told me to take the kids now she’s saying I’ll get done for kidnapping. She says I have to go to my parents with the kids. She knows I’m going to yours.” He tells me this is shit but he’s on his way, he just left. I tell him that I did leave my key out like a loser – so he knows, but I also ask him to turn off his location. He says “Haha it’s off trust me. That caused an argument. She’s threatening to kill herself now” I tell him to call the police to get her help but he rocks up at my house. He walks in & I haven’t seen this man in months. He walks in holding the baby who’s about 4 months old at this point & his son, who decides he won’t come in my house. I don’t blame the poor bugger, I mean he’s just witnessed god knows what at home & now he’s at a strangers house. Noodle hands me the baby & goes back outside to get his son to come in. It’s cold outside in June & I’ve got the heater on. Noodle gives me a peck on the lips & looks at his phone which is just buzzing with her name. He rejects the call & sets his son up with his iPad & a snack. I show his son where my toys for my nieces & nephews are, so that he might want to play with that stuff. Noodle is surpised by the the fact I have kids toys. I laugh, I never had kids like he thinks I do.

Fuck this day is going to be tough. I know it’s not over, they’ve just had a fight, that’s all… Once he goes home to drop off the kids, he’ll have to see her. She’ll beg him to stay & I just have a feeling this isn’t our time. But I am going to try & enjoy this for now, I have him here in my house. I have his kids at my house. Maybe they should all stay here tonight?

He constantly messages her all day, he barely ever puts down his phone. I get it, he’s been with this woman for over 10 years but here I am siting next to his son, with his baby on my lap while he does what he should’ve done at home. Talk to her about breaking up properly, ending it before coming to my house. I feel so used right now. He paces around my house & comes to get the baby when she cries for milk (Fuck. Watching him be a dad makes me fall in love with him a bit more, if that’s even possible!), I end up with the baby again & she falls asleep on me. He sits next to me finally & we hold hands. We talk a bit throughout the day but like I said he’s constantly texting her. He tells me she’s offering a 3sum with me, she’s also offering for him to see me as a polyamorous type relationship. I have nothing against people who are poly, however, there is no way that I am going to be in a poly relationship with a man who has a crazy 1st wife. She is being so irrational & I get it, I mean in my final moments with Noodle the first time, I was begging him to stay then telling him he’s an idiot. I understand she’s doing the same. But I hate that he’s come here when it is truly not over with her…

I, of course, ask what the fuck happened & he says that he forgot to block the friend on the chat app that he talks too & his partner got up to feed the baby in the morning & went through his phone & found everything. He says that he’d been chatting to her about how much he loves me & that he’s not over me, that he’s still talking to me & that he wants to see me again… She read all these messages, after having being told that he wasn’t in love with me, so she apparently woke him up with a punch in the face at 4:00 am. What the actual fuck. I say to him that he needs to go to the police but he refuses. I say “If you had punched her, do you know where you’d be right now?” but all he says is “I did cheat” like that makes it ok that this woman has previously used mirror shards & knives to try to stab him & now has punched him awake… I can’t even imagine what that is like for him. I hate that I don’t push him to go to the police or to get legal aid, like I said we would.

Noodle stops texting her so much, ignoring her calls that come every 3 minutes & looks at me & says “I love you” & I look at him into his eyes & say “I love you” we both smile but there is a sad look in his eyes. But he says “That’s the first time we’ve said that out loud, you know” I think it’s super cute that he knows that. I mean I know it’s the first time we’ve uttered those words in real life, but I didn’t think this douche guy realised that, nor did I think he’d say it. We link fingers & we sit there until he starts messaging her again, he leans forward, I think so I can’t see the messages. I slip my hand up his shirt & rub his back. I want him to know I am there for him, but I am feeling so stupid sitting here with his baby asleep in my arms. I am also having thoughts that I will be able to fuck this man all night tonight, which I am desperate to do now, but I think that his son will be a bit clingy if we went to my room, as he’s sitting so close to Noodle while playing on his iPad. But man I want to have sex with him & remind him what he has with me. Am I going to get everything I want today? Is it even possible? I mean Noodle keeps relaying some messages that she’s writing, she’s threatening to kill herself a few times & he just rolls his eyes. He paces a lot, I’m assuming that’s stress. He even asks me about the people I’ve fucked since him, I mean this isn’t a healthy conversation. I just want him to calm down.

He tells me that she’s begging him to bring the kids home, which he decides he wants to do. As he’s standing at my door, he says that he has stuff of his in the car. I don’t think he’s going to leave it here. I mean he’s so back & forth all day, he’s not moving in here like I really want him too… But he goes out to the car & brings in 4 shopping bags of stuff & says he doesn’t know where to put them – he doesn’t want to mess up my house. I say just in my room, he gets a couple of other things out of the car before he puts his daughter in the car then comes in to kiss me goodbye. He says “I’ll see you later on.” I watch him driving away & it hits me that I will never see him again!

I know that I won’t hear from him while he’s dropping the kids off & wait for him to tell me he’s on his way back. I dash around washing my long hair so he can see it, it’s up in a pony tail & was dirty, so I race to wash my hair & I am aware of not cleaning up the toys & maccas bag that Noodle had delivered because I don’t want him to think I am too clean. I do however find his 4 shopping bags in my spare room inside the door, I pick up each one & work out that 2 are clothes & 2 are full of computer stuff, so I put the bags of clothes in my bedroom – I contemplate putting them away in draws & then I put the 2 bags of computer & gaming consoles in my lounge room ready for him to connect to my tv. I wait & wait for him to message & the longer I wait, the more I know that something has happened & he is not going to leave her… So many things go through my mind, she’s violent, has she succeeded this time in hurting him, stabbing or something? I try not to let my imagination run away with me.

“She just OD ….” OH FUCK. I knew she was going to do something, but I didn’t think she would actually go through with trying to kill herself. He says that she took the pills as he walked in the door & said he was leaving her. He even says “She did it in front of my son!!!” I tell him that that’s not ok & she needs proper help. He says “WTF do I do #IBD4U. She actual did it.” He says he called an ambulance but it’s taking a long time to get there. He’s reluctant to call her parents, but I tell him that he has too, she needs someone at the hospital if he can’t be there. He’s mega pissed off his son saw everything, which I agree is fucked up. He doesn’t want to call her parents, he says that they will kill him. Well, I mean they already know something has happened, he told me she’s close with her dad & her parents have always hated him. He is so torn in his messages, says he doesn’t want her to be alone but is really worried about his son, being that he saw everything including the ambos taking away his mum after this weird day. He’s almost 5 so he’s going to know what’s going on. I keep telling him to call her parents, it’s been an hour & he’s still at home & hasn’t called her parents to let them know their daughter has been taken to hospital with a drug overdose. I even offer to babysit his kids for him, so he can sort this shit out, but he says he doesn’t want to be a jerk to her. I am just trying to help. I offer to go there just to help out, but he says no. He says “I’ve never felt so shitty in my entire life than those 20 mins on the phone.” I tell him that she just did it for attention, knowing that it would hit home for him with his childhood trauma… It’s a cry for help & she needs it. I really hope she gets it. I tell him that if she really wanted to do it, she wouldn’t have done it as he walked in the door, she waited till then because she knew that he would save her by calling the ambulance. She had played the game during the day telling him that she was going to do it & then stopped writing messages & ringing, then would start again calling him names for not caring about her.

He still hasn’t called her parents but his mum just text her to ask if she’s ok, she’d also been calling his mum all day that Noodle was at my house. He says that he’s been cleaning the baby bottles & feeding the animals (they have 2 dogs, 4 cats, a rabbit & 2 ducks – that I know of.) He just keeps saying “I don’t know what to do #IBD4U. This is so fucked” I ask if he means being with her or me or what he should do? “Well I can’t stay with her but yeah she has fucked with my head.” I had a feeling she would pull a stunt. It makes me realise that even if I was with Noodle, she would always be there, always causing some sort of drama. I am never going to have the life I want with him, ever.

He finally texts her dad & tells him she’s been taken to hospital almost 2 hours ago. I tell him that’s job one & he asks what job 2 is. I say pack their stuff & I tell him to come to my house. He tells me that her parents really hate him, they called & cracked the shits – as any parent would do. I ask if he wants to go to the hospital & he says “I do, she was my partner for 11 years. I still love her.” It pangs me to hear that, but I know that he is going to stay with her. I need to make peace with that. He feels trapped & this is just another stunt to make him stay. Who wants to be the asshole that leaves the chick that just tried to kill themselves?! He tells me though she always been crazy “She once got taken to hospital for a break down with 3 cop cars…” I don’t even elaborate on that, I mean I want to know what the fuck that even means but I just say “She’s not crazy, she’s got a mental illness & needs help.” I tell him to pack the kids up & drop them at mine or at his parents, but he should go to the hospital. I mean I really don’t want him too, but I think he should go. He is still unsure if he should go or not. I tell him that part of me thinks he should go but her parents might not let him see him but the other part is that I want him to come to me. He says that he feels sick. I feel sick too. I tell him to come to my house but he says all his son’s stuff is at their house & he’s not sure if she’ll come home. He takes ages to reply to I ask what is happening, he says that his parents called & so did the hospital, she’s asked to see him. He realises that he’s left the baby formula on the table at my house. I offer to drop it off, I offer to go to the hospital & sit in the car while he’s in there. Then he says it “Just so you know. I never used you… I told her I was proper leaving when she took the pills.” Fuck, he’s going to stay with her… I knew this was going to happen & he did use me…

He tells me that her dad is messaging saying she’s begging for him to go to the hospital. At this point, it’s been like 3 hours & he’s still not there… I mean doesn’t that tell her something? I tell him I feel like a fool & he says as always, that I am not a fool. He’s says he’s left his stuff at my house & wants to come back to my house too. He says “I’m so fucking torn, Fuck this is so hard. I’m at the hospital now, so will get back to you later.” Fuck… I feel like such an idiot.

#IBD4U

I torture myself all week over thinking every thing I said or did, not sleeping or eating because I have hurt Noodle. I know he’s hurt me & you all think I’m stupid at this point, but I never wanted to hurt him – I never wanted to upset him, I don’t want him to think I have betrayed him… Again I know it’s stupid but I can’t help how I feel about this & him! I am in agony over what he’s done to me but I’m in more agony about hurting him… It’s not tit for tat. It wasn’t my intention.

I haven’t slept, so I draft him an email. Again I pour my heart out, telling him that I couldn’t keep away but maybe we shouldn’t chat on the chat app but via email. I tell him that I am sorry for telling his friend anything about him, but I explain that she’s been good for me. She told me things he’d said about me, which helped me because everyone around me is saying that Noodle didn’t love me,he was using me to boost his ego. He had talked to her & she didn’t know officially who I was until we ended, but he told her that he was in love with someone & wanted to leave his partner for me but just didn’t know how too.

I tell him that I don’t think he actually realises the depths of my feelings for him & how much I wanted him & his kids in my life. How much I thought about that… I explain that all the things he used against me as a reason not to be with me, about how clean my house is, how messy he is, but I was ready for my life to be turned upside down with him, I mean it already had been turned on it’s head!

I had at one point ages ago, told Noodle that I wouldn’t ever live with a guy again, that I would make him have his own house & we’d come together when we wanted… I explain in the email that yes I did once think that but I was so excited about the fact that Noodle was potentially going to be living with me one day! Even the mundane shit of “washing your clothes (then fucking on the washing machine), you playing video games (me sucking your cock when I got sick of it, hehehe), I even thought how you could park your car in the carport every night & I’d park on the street cos my car is a work car…” Wow I really thought about a lot of boring crap, as well as the kinky stuff!

I end the email “I want you to know that the only reason I am trying to cut so much contact with you, is not because I don’t love you or want to talk to you or don’t want you as my friend, but because I can’t keep telling you how much I love you or how I can help you to have a life with no lies which includes your kids…” It’s true, I can’t keep telling him how much I want him for him to have some excuse for why he doesn’t believe me thrown at me.

I check my emails daily & the junk box for a reply from him but nothing! FUCK… I guess one good thing, is that I am going to the gym like a maniac & not eating so I am losing a lot of weight! I draft another email to Noodle a few days later when I can’t sleep again, I can’t stop thinking about him. I say that either he hasn’t seen my email or decided not to reply. Well done him for being so strong, I wish I was. I used to think I was the stubborn one… But maybe I’m not! I don’t know why but I talk about really mundane things like me getting the hair extensions, that I have finished uni for the semester, that I am going to Coober Pedy for work this week, that I have been away for a funeral, also that I got the biggest whinger award at the gym awards night. But afterall, he is my best friend.

I tell him that his friend from the chat app asked about him last night & I said that I hadn’t heard from him. I ask him to talk to her because at least she knows the situation, even if he won’t talk to me, maybe she can help him.

I go to Coober Pedy for work & because a colleague got me so freaked out about going out when it’s dark that I basically finished work, went for a run then sat in my room, fucking bored out of my brains, thinking so much about the life I almost had! I end up breaking down in Coober Pedy & cry like a wanker, like uncontrollable, puffy eyes, unable to breathe crying. The type of crying, I NEVER do… The type of crying that you feel all over.

When I get a moment of clarity, I draft Noodle a final email a few days later, saying that it’s now been 2 weeks since I go the ‘k’ message from him. I haven’t tried to contact him on the chat app, just via email. I tell him that I knew this would be harder for me to let go of him that the other way around, I mean he has a family so isn’t alone like I am. I tell him that I will stop being clingy & that I truly hope that he has the life not that we dreamt we could’ve had together.

The morning I wake up on the couch with Max, my phone is going off… When I finally get to look at it, I know before I see it that it’s Noodle. “Because I’m a stubborn cunt refuse to message you cos of the way you pretty much said goodbye. Then I check my emails today (which I don’t do often cos it’s a secret account) & you’ve emailed me twice!! After fucking with me on the anonymous app & the chat app too. Man I feel like a dick for not checking my emails. You’ve been unlocked on the chat app the whole fucking time just so you know. I assume you not wanna talk to me & your super strong & not needy, but fuck I get you wrong sometimes.” FUCK. He also emails me telling me that he didn’t want to look like an idiot messaging me when I said good bye like I had. I mean really. I am glad that he is finally talking to me. I tell him that we really need to think about what we say to each other, so that’s why I emailed, I had time to think about what I wanted to say without having a little dig at him or him saying something shit to me. But the comment about me fucking with him on the apps yesterday? I mean what does he even mean!? “Yeah, even tho I said a whole heap of shit to you yesterday without knowing it’s you” What the fuck is he talking about? I ask that, he says “Your telling me you don’t have a 2^nd chat app account?” WHAT?! I ask what the fuck he is talking about. “Ok well talking to a chick that seems to relate to our story a little too well…” He says that maybe it’s someone else I know. I don’t think anyone would do that. But I also I don’t think our story is uncommon. “I’m sure I’m not the only woman to be hurt by a married man.” He says this chick tried to get his partner to join the chat app groups – if he thought it was me, why would he give out her chat app account to me? If I was going to mess with her, I would do it as me! I wouldn’t get someone to do my dirty work nor would I use a fake account! He sends me a screenshot of the conversation, it’s all in text speak. I’m sure he should know I wouldn’t do that. Also he met her on the anonymous app which would be hard for anyone I know to work out who is who – I can usually tell when it’s Noodle.

He says “It was fucking odd. Didn’t think you would do it either so was like wtf. But it all points to you…” I tell him that I was out house hunting yesterday (for my investment property) so I wasn’t on the chat app, then he says “I chatted to you on the anonymous app yesterday the same time I was chatting to her too. Had time to chat on the anonymous app. I’m not stupid. lol” WHAT THE FUCK? So he was catfishing me on the app & now is blaming me for catfishing him & his partner… OMG! I feel like I am in high school!!! How dare he accuse me of doing it, when he’s doing it to me. He tells me that he also saw me on tinder & freaked out a bit, swiping no to me quickly.

He realises that I have emailed him 3 times, not twice but one went to his junk (Why does that happen?!) which was the final goodbye one, which he says “FFS your annoying” I ask why “Cos I’ll only appear desperate & loser for so long before I give up altogether. I tried all fucking day. & You were like Nup. This is it. Goodbye for now.” Well it needed to be then he snapped about me talmng to his friend.

He says “I block you but stupidly unblock you everyday I get to work. For the last fucking 2 weeks too. So felt pretty dumb when I checked my email.” I feel pretty dumb too now that I never tried to contact him on the chat app, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to be ignored or have her find it either. I mean she has access to his phone all the time but he didn’t tell her where we really met, so she doesn’t know he was already on the chat app for 5 years prior to them joining with matching fucking user names.

He once even told me that she was too scared to have morning sex with him because he was too rough & now she’s asking him to choke her? I tell him that his partner must’ve read some of our messages or something because no one just changes that quickly! He says that she didn’t. Says that she knows nothing, she didn’t want an open relationship but he kind of encouraged it. She told him that she wouldn’t fuck anyone, then didn’t realise how much attention she’d get & so she did. He tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about his sex life with her, he just says that’s she more open sexually & doesn’t want to elaborate.

He says about me though “If you fuck someone every week. Message them every spare moment. & have long ass convos too. Your gonna fall in love with them. & I feel so dumb for letting it go so far & hurting you. I never ever neverrrrrrrr wanted to hurt you. Assumed I would always be fun. & I was the stupid fool falling for you. I fell way earlier than I let on. I was romantically interested in you by the 3^rd fuck. Feelings within 2 months of sex. But the sex was so good. But you made it clear. You & your fake toughness. In the end your just a girly girl. With an actual heart.” I tell him that I got feelings for him pretty early on too, which is why I stopped fucking other people. He says “No way, Really? I just assumed cos guys were dicks” Again something else Noodle doesn’t believe me on… I mean when will this guy ever believe me?

He asks what I’ve done since him, I tell him minor details, he tells me that he hasn’t fucked anyone that he hasn’t been able to get anyone & I am a smug bitch, thinking sucked in. He says that he’s jealous of all the attention she’s getting & she’s sucked more than one cock since finding out about me. He says he gets offers on the chat app all the time, but really how many people would actually go through with it? I mean I got offers all the time too, but I had lots of guys fuck me around when you actually tried to set up the date, so I’m assuming that would happen with him for women too.

I ask if he’s talked to his friend from the chat app & he says that he has but has been blocking her when he gets home in case his partner wants to look at his chats. He tells me that within 20 minutes of joining groups on the chat app, I had text him – yeah of course dude, people told me he was back on there & was ignoring me & my texts. He asks who told me & starts cracking the shits when I won’t tell him. he acts like a child, saying “protect them obviously they mean more to you than me.” So I fucking cave & tell him, but reading back on this blog, I really wish I didn’t fucking say anything! He was a asshole to me & didn’t deserve to know who told me what. He says that he thinks he’s entitled to know who is talking about him, yet I’m certain his partner is talking about me & I don’t know it…

He tells me that his partner has already made a good friend on the chat app, who she has fucked & he is hoping that he’ll be able to see me again. Could I even do that? I did say that he should’ve swiped me on Tinder & met me with this open relationship thing. He says that I’d be stupid to fuck him again but he says “I would fuck you in a heartbeat if I could.” I tell him that we could pretend to be strangers, he’s told her my name is something else, he’s told her my real job but she also doesn’t know what I look like, so we could totally pull this off. We could legitimately see each other again. I miss the chemistry, it wouldn’t be a secret – would it be as hot? It wouldn’t be what I totally want, but at least it would be something. He asks if I would consider that & fuck I would… Why?! I’m so stupid!

The next morning at about 5:30 am I get a message from him says “Even my partner thinks it’s you.” I am finally sleeping & so don’t get it till later. Not this old chestnut. Like fuck, does this guy not know me at all? He sends me another screenshot of stuff this chick said & yeah look I can see why he might think it’s me, but he’s an asshole for thinking it’s me & why would he give out his partners chat name if he thought it was me? I tell him again, it’s not me & that our story is not uncommon, I mean since writing this blog, I have had so many women tell me that they have had a similar experience to my Noodle story. It’s also not uncommon for the man to choose the wife over the mistress, I think he’s just freaking out. I mean it’s an anonymous app, he told me he always knew it was me when I was on there so wouldn’t he already know it wasn’t me!? I try to get off this topic because what the fuck does this guy think of me really.

I tell him about the fact I’m house hunting & he calls me a rich bitch. I show him pictures of the hair extensions & he says they look amazing. He askes me if I’ve fucked 50 people already, because I look so good. He tells me that it’s his favourite picture of me, that I look so good without makeup. I tell him that I always put in effort when I saw him, putting on makeup & doing my hair. He says that he always did his hair & wore aftershave when he saw me too.

We talk about what we could do if we became friends with benefits. I know that I am just suggesting this stuff because I know if I can get Noodle alone with some more quality time, that I can show him what life would be like with me. He says that it scares him to fuck me again “I literally messaged you every spare second I had, saw you every moment I could cheat. I was madly in love with you. I’m scared that would happen again if I fucked you. Got insanely jealous that others wanted you, that you wanted to fuck others on the chat app. That shit ain’t healthy.” He tells me how pissed he was when I met Shark, how pissed he was that Holden wanted me too. I tell him that it’s not over for me, that I see a solution & we could use it, I even try to entice him by telling him that I want to wear the nurse costume he got me for Christmas.

He says “Just so you know, I’m not a good person. I struggle with empathy. I never cried or felt bad that I cheated on my partner. Or guilty. It’s kinda fucked up” This I already knew, I guess. The fact that he cheated for a fucking year & then treated me so badly, I know he isn’t a good person. I tell him that I never actually felt guilty either to be honest. I mean I wasn’t cheating, but I should’ve felt a little bad about fucking in her bed or at their house. But I never did. He tells me that she thinks he’s a psychopath… Why would someone stay with something they think is a psychopath? I say that I don’t think I could stay with him if he showed no remorse if he cheated on me, he says “I felt bad, but it didn’t upset me. I was more sad that I’d never see you again when it happened.” Awww, that is a little cute, but messed up!

We are back to chatting every day all day when he is at work. This is not good, but I am like an addict, can’t I just have one last hit & walk away? I wish I could, I am a strong, smart woman. Why can’t I walk away from this?

The next day I wake up at 7:15 am to a message from Noodle sent at 6:50 am. “Hey, can you leave some keys out. Everything has finally ended.” I sit bolt upright in bed… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

#IBD4U

So Max. When will I escape this man? So when I was with Noodle, remember the flowers I got that I was secretly busting for them to be from Noodle. Well they were from Max. My nanna had died the year before on valentine’s day & he remembered. It is very sweet & I am thankful that he did that. However I can’t hide the fact that I wanted it to be Noodle. It’s almost been a year since I last saw Max.

Now these stories get a bit confusing, so I will write the Max side first. & my next Noodle post will fill in the blanks. I haven’t spoken to Max in a while, like a long time but he pops back up after the whole Noodle thing explodes. At this current time I am not talking to Noodle because he writes back “K” to my messages desperately trying to explain that I never said anything to our friend besides I wanted her to chat to him & help him since he’d told no one else about me…

It’s one of my best friends birthday, I have no desire to go out, I haven’t being drinking because I didn’t want to get depressed & cry all night long, feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to fall into that slippery slope & to be honest at this stage I am still not eating much at all, so much so everyone around me is worried. However, I remind everyone that I am well aware & they only need to worry when I start hiding the fact I’m not eating from them. I am open about it & know why I am not eating. I can’t stomach food, I can’t even sleep right now. I have tried to make contact with Noodle since the “K” message via email which I will go into in a Noodle post (yeah it’s not over yet!) but no reply.

I am chatting to Max & he wants to see me, I am not really in the mood to see him, but I am going out for my friends birthday, we’re going to my shit hole local. I look amazing with my new long hair & slim body. I put on a cute outfit & meet them at the pub. I drink tonight & I am drinking really shitty red wine, but I am just not caring.

I am at the pub talking to my friends partners friend – who I find out later is obsessed with me even though he has a live in partner, he apparently talks of me to my friend all the time, asking what I’m doing, how I’m going, apparently looking me up on Facebook… FUCK! Why is it always fucking partnered men that see how amazing I apparently am! I didn’t know it that night but yeah this guy is talking to my friend all the time about me.

I’m sitting there watching the band, chatting to this guy & also texting Max who says that Sweetie was taken the kids to her mum’s & he’s home alone. I kind of get the feeling that he has not found anyone else & I am replying. I feel like a dick, but again, I don’t want to put more notches on my bedpost. But fuck I need to forget Noodle! I get drunker that I should & I tell Max to come to the bar. I see him walk in, we make eye contact, I am sitting next to a guy chatting & expect that Max has gone to the bar to get a drink & then will come up behind me & stand on the other side of me. However he never comes to my table. I try not to message, not wanting to be a weirdo, when it’s been about 15 minutes since I saw him & I ask where he is, maybe he went in to the pokies. When he tells me he’s home, I ask if he’s serious & he says that he is. He saw me chatting to a guy & assumed I was with him. FUCK men are stupid. First, I was texting Max to come to the pub & secondly, can women not be friends with a man or talk to a man? Anyway I tell Max to come back & pick me up, which he does but he messages me when he’s in the car & I go out to him. He decides that he wants to go for a drive & we chat, nothing of substance. He pulls up at a boat ramp, a boat ramp I’ve fucked the Mechanic at once & he says that he wants to walk along the jetty. We do but it’s fucking freezing & I have no jacket. Why did he want to walk on the jetty on a freezing cold night? We get back in the car & go to my house. I turn the heater on immediately & lay down in front of it. We start talking about us & how we ended to which I tell him everything that I’ve wanted to say about how stupid he was. I also start talking about Noodle & that’s about when I start crying. WTF. Why am I crying to a guy who also hurt me in the past?! What the actual fuck? I haven’t heard from Noodle this week, which really upsets me even though I have reached out. I have tried & got nothing back. I am so drunk that I am crying about Noodle to Max. I think Max gets the drift that we are not going to have sex – which was never my intention, so we both end up falling asleep on the couch for the night. I have an amazing comfy king bed & we sleep on the couch – that is so weird, we don’t touch each other all night.

I wake up early & he does too, the heater is still on, we don’t have blankets on us so I guess that’s why I’m awake so early. We wake up & he kisses me, touches me that we end up going into my bedroom, I’m naked in the lounge room & walking up the hallway to my bedroom he says that I am fucking tiny (As in lost weight) I don’t really notice it, but it was nice to hear. He says that he wants to tie me up & do things to me. He instructs me to get a towel & I do, laying to down on the bed & allowing Max to tie me to the x restraints. He refuses a few times to put on a condom – saying that we’ve had sex without one before (which is true but it’s been a year, who knows what he’s been fucking), so I tell him that he can’t fuck me, so we never have sex that day, but man this man makes me squirt with just his fingers. He doesn’t ever really go down on me, he uses toys a bit, but mainly his fingers.

Oddly as we’re finishing up, I hear the chat app beep on my phone that’s in the lounge room. Then another beep, then another until there are several beeps. I somehow know that it’s Noodle! I mean my phone is no where near me, but Noodle always sends like 20 messages instead of one long one… I just know it’s Noodle… I don’t know how but I do & then I am dying to get my phone. Because there were so many beeps I use that as an excuse to get up & check my phone, saying something must be important. I get dressed in a little nighty thing & sit on the couch, holding my breath that these messages are from Noodle. I am going to be crestfallen if they’re not… FUCK… Max walks into the room but I can’t control myself as I open my chat app to 7 messages from Noodle! FUUUCCCKKK… I’ll go into this in a Noodle post (so all get excited to find out what happens… there’s a bit of a spoiler for you though!)

Max asks if I’m ok & I do tell him that Noodle has messaged me, I tell him because I think then he might go home & leave me to message Noodle in peace. I know that I am probably going to cry, which I hate & do not like doing in front of people. I don’t want Max there but I sort of don’t want to be alone either. Which is stupid, Max is not a good support person for me right now. He sits with me all day while I have my phone in my hand. I am not even sorry. I mean Max has treated me badly in the past & I know that Noodle has too, but fuck I am finally talking to Noodle & I can’t help it. I am relieved… Cue, Noodle Post! Hahaha.

#IBD4U

This is from Tinderella. She has changed the names, so don’t start thinking about every Ryan you know. Hahaha…

Enjoy this story too… This one had me giggling!

Ryan

Not being one to count my chickens before they hatched I had been chatting with a number men on my newly made tinder account. Ryan popped up with a “Hello Miss” earlier in the week and I am a sucker for being called Miss. The usual conversation went on, (what are you looking for – something casual) but Ryan surprised me when I asked him if he had done the casual hook up thing before and he answered that he had. I asked if you just met up and went to bed, he agreed yes that’s what happens, he told me if it was good you continued it and you got to know each other while you were in bed together.

I can be very literal and take people literally (funny that!) and I had taken Ryan’s word for it that we would met and go to bed. Needless to say I was disappointed on Friday night when I texted Ryan to check if we were good for the next night and he told me he was out of action.

While I was sitting outside Cedric’s house on Saturday afternoon feeling very deflated I sent Ryan a text – I asked how he was feeling – of course I had other intentions, but I didn’t want to be pushy. I was relieved and surprised when he responded telling me that he was feeling much better and I should go out there after all.  I drove home and hopped in the shower and got ready to go. I sent him a text telling him I was having a glass of wine for Dutch courage. Ryan asked me if I was staying the night. I had been thinking that we were going to fuck and then I would leave (after a polite time of course) – suddenly I was being invited to stay – then he told me to bring the bottle of wine with me.

When I pulled up at Ryan’s he came out to meet me. Now to say he wasn’t what I expected was an understatement.  The problem with any online dating app of course is you are only seeing people’s best photos. When describing him to my friends later I used the phrase “I wouldn’t leave the house with him”, it wasn’t that he was unattractive, it was his whole personality. The way he walked, spoke and acted – this guy was a wanker.What greeted me when Ryan came out the door was a wiry man, shorter than me (which I never usually go for) who was pissed. And I mean pissed. Turns our Ryan had been playing bowls all afternoon – and drinking in the sun. I walked in: horse racing on the TV, some heavy rock music playing and an ashtray on the table. Fuck I thought to myself what have got myself into?

I can also be a bit blunt – I said “Oh, no do we have to watch horse racing?” Ryan turned off the Tv and I poured a glass of wine and sat next to him. We sat there in awkward silence for a minute, I can talk to just about anyone and I started to put my conversation skills to use. I couldn’t hear a word Ryan was saying over the music, so I asked him to turn it down – “You’re pretty fucking bossy aren’t ya?” he said to me. I was only half a glass of wine down and thinking about making my exit.  He turned the music down and we sat and made small talk. Not one move was made by Ryan (or myself) but he was shocked when he found out I had only bought one bottle of wine with me. He suggested we go to the bottle shop and I agreed – better go before I drank too much more – when we were in the car he asked if he could touch my tits. I agreed and next thing he had his hand down inside my bra. He informed me that I had “nice little tits” and we went back home.

We were sitting on the couch – Ryan smoking and drinking me just drinking and the time was getting later and later. Ryan made mention a couple of times that if I chose not to sleep in his bed I didn’t have to – he had a spare room that I was welcome too. He also told me while we were drinking that he wasn’t fucking any one woman exclusively. I would like to think now a days I would have hauled my arse out of there but I was half pissed and I hadn’t had a fuck in 2 ½ years.  My experience with Cedric that day had left me feeling like I wouldn’t find anyone to fuck ever – so I wasn’t going to give up this opportunity. He told me that when he fucked a woman more than once or twice they became attached – I told him he didn’t have to worry about that with me.

Finally after midnight he had enough to drink and we went to bed. Ryan informed me that when “his women” – yes he used that phrase – it makes me cringe now – stayed they didn’t wear anything to bed. I hopped into bed wearing just my underwear – when Ryan got in he felt my arse and said “what are these doing on?” I took them off and he told me that was better.

Before we started he told me that when his women stayed he liked them to leave him a “love letter” before they left so he could read it and smile when he got up. Yes, he actually used the phrase “his women” more than once!!!

He kissed me and surprisingly considering how drunk he was he wasn’t a bad kisser. He made the usual moves playing with my breasts and then he went down on me. When he came back up to kiss me he just put his dick straight in. I was in shock and didn’t say anything . I regretted that afterwards of course and had to go to the Dr feeling very sheepish and ask for an STD test.

Ryan was great fuck, talking to my sister later we realised the poor guy must have had some self esteem issues. He was strong, knew how to move and had me cumming twice although while we were fucking he asked me twice if he “was the best fuck I had ever had” of course I answered that he was I may have paused but I am not a complete asshole! Once he had enough of fucking he laid on his back and asked me to suck his cock.  Remembering that this isn’t something I had done often in the last couple of years (and writing this I just realised I sucked two men’s cocks on the same day! Not my usual style at all!) I went to work. Ryan started to snore so I stopped. He woke up and grumbled about “women who stop sucking after 5 minutes” – he was a real charmer… I went back to it and he passed out again….

#IBD4U

 

I barely sleep again thinking about meeting Noodle again… How will this go down? Should I kiss him hello or is that how we get into trouble? I can’t believe he’s still lying to her too about chatting to me & now he’s fucking meeting me! It’s been just over a month since we ended & saw each other last – that infamous time when she asked for a picture of him at the gym. He’s such a dumb idiot… She will somehow find out that he’s met me & I think she’ll go ballistic. I mean I would fucking flip out too if I were her! But she has been begging him to see me, so maybe he’s told her that he’s meeting me to ask me for the 3sum but actually he’s just meeting me to give my keys back… I wonder if she even knows he had my house keys?

I tell my sister & sister in law that I am going to meet Noodle. I ask them what to wear & my sister in law tells me that I should make an effort to look good but not over the top like I am trying too hard – she said an ex did something like that to her & she just felt sorry for him. I thank her for that advice because I was going to wear something he’d love, like a skirt & low cut top, maybe lingerie. But I just go for my usual undies (which Noodle thinks is sexy anyway) & I just wear jeans & a top. Jeans are his most hated outfit for me, but we’re just going to sit in the car. Nothing over the top but still shows him that I have lost about 8 kgs at this point since he saw me last, which was only a month ago… I hope he’s fat! Hahaha…

I message him to tell him I’m there, I see him walking to my car. He’s wearing a baggy work shirt. I am nervous but also oddly at peace… He looks like I remember, but yeah I can tell he’s put on a little bit of weight, that makes me oddly smug! Hahaha.

When he gets in my car, it takes all my might to not lean over & kiss him like we’ve done so many times before… It’s weird that this feels a bit awkward but also feels horrible, that this man knows every single part of me & now we’re basically acting like strangers… How can’t that even be?

He hands my keys back as he settles in the car, I hand over his name badges which he left in my car a few times when we’ve fucked. As our hands brush though this exchange, I am reminded of the electricity between us. I wonder if that’ll ever go away, say for example if we meet again in 10 years time, will there still be this crackle of chemistry between us?! I also don’t know if its because this man has broken my heart into a million pieces by the way he’s treated me or what, but I notice things about him that I never noticed before, little nit picky things… Like his few grey hairs in his hair & through his beard or that he has nose hairs poking out the bottom of his nose… I mean I still find him really attractive, but I start picking up features that I’ve never noticed before. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing, you if I start thinking he’s not that hot then I can get over him easier?! I don’t know what it is.

I also can’t help it when he says something about her having my phone number, so I ask why she never called or text me when she clearly had my work phone number from their son’s iPad, I’m not sure how she resisted if she really is like how he described her. He looks at me weirdly, he says that she did, she sent heaps of messages but apparently I just denied everything & stopped replying. OMG… She never text me! Fuck how didn’t I get those messages? I explain that I never got any messages, she definitely has never text my work phone. (Thank god for that!) She must’ve got my phone number wrong! Fuck I wonder what would have happened if she got my phone number right, would I have been so forgiving of Noodle or would I have let loose with everything that I needed or wanted to say, telling her everything about the 3sum, about fucking in their bed? Or would I have taken the high road?! WOW. I wonder what would have happened had she got the number right. Noodle just laughs but I ask why he didn’t stop her – it’s not funny, I mean yeah I fucked her partner for a year but it takes 2 to cheat… Why isn’t he stopping her & asking her to just move on & forget me. Like fuck, why would he even allow her or tolerate her messaging me?! I mean I thought he’d be a bit stronger to be honest & just tell her to forget me – he tells me not to message his phone & I respect that. He should’ve told her to not be messaging some poor random about cheating! (That would make a great blog post, the messages to a stranger!) He tells me that he thinks it’s really funny & that he did tell her to stop, but she wouldn’t listen, so he just let it happen. OMG Really…

Noodle talks about the night she found my panties on their fridge, he tells me about how violent she was, breaking a mirror & trying to stab him with pieces & also a knife. He packed up his car & was ready to leave but she then she also got really drunk so he couldn’t leave the kids behind. I tell him that I wish he messaged me because I would’ve told him to bring the kids to my house. Wow… He has told me she’s been violent towards him – I mean she apparently used to get in fights at nightclubs back in the day, but I didn’t think he’d tolerate it towards him. He’s really surprising me. But I guess he did cheat & trying to save his family – which is what he keeps saying.

He asks me if I’ve fucked someone else yet, which I have now, Rob Rob & Crows. But I don’t want to make Noodle jealous. I know this is dumb, but I am loyal & didn’t want to fuck anyone else in case he came back to me, then I could have a clear conscious. But he keeps asking & I admit to fucking someone, I don’t say who or how many guys, but I tell him that I have. He almost seems relieved when I tell him that I have fucked another man. Maybe he’s relieved because he’s in an open relationship now so he’s going to be fucking other women soon…

Noodle & I talk longer than I was expecting to be honest, he said he could only spare half an hour, saying his work is so busy & he doesn’t have time. Yet he’s with me for a full hour before he says he has to go. I can’t help but be disappointed, this is the last time I’m ever going to see my best friend again. That hurts… A lot! At least this time I know that this will be the last time! It’s a lot harder than I that thought. I mean he probably isn’t ever going to talk to me again after this. I have to be prepared for that… This has to be the end. We shouldn’t talk again… I know that, but it’s also not what I want! As much as my readers are saying get rid of him, unless you’e had a chemistry like I’ve described with another human being, you cannot understand the pull this man has on me! You cannot understand why I am so in love with him…

I watch him cross the road without looking back & as I drive away, I think “Fuck, I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.” That was so fucking awkward, I just wanted to kiss him, a proper kiss goodbye on the lips – just a peck not a pash. But I was going to settle for a peck on the lips. He was going in for just a hug. So we sort of mis-kissed… That was so fucking awkward, for 2 people who are so in sync, that was fucking awkward. But that somehow proves to me that this is not the end for us…

I expect to never hear from him again. That was the end, for us, for now. I have my keys back. I can relax a little. It felt fucking weird, as much as I don’t it to be the end, it has to be. He has chosen her, he is staying with her, regardless of the reasons why, he chose! Fuck though, I want to message him. I wonder if he wants to message me or if that’s over for him?! Is he done? Does he really want to be done with me?

I haven’t even gotten home yet, when my phone beeps with the chat app jingle, he’s the only one not on silent, my heart stops. It is Noodle. Whatever he has to say, I am definitely not going to reply. We have to just be apart to both move on! That was the end, this is the end. It has to be the end. I can’t keep doing this to myself… I read his message, thinking this will be the last one I will ever read from Noodle “Well that didn’t feel like a very finished convo” FUUUUUCCCCK! I’m fucking writing back before I know it agreeing with him, saying that it was a lame hug but he had to go. He says that yes he was only going to take 30 minutes not an hour, I apologise to him for keeping him when he says ‘That’s ok, I didn’t want to leave.’ DOUBLE FUCK! I stupidly offer to see him again, perhaps if we keep talking he’ll realise what he’s let go. Maybe I can convince him that he’s not a burden to me, that he’s not in love with her, that he’s in love with me… Why am I so tragic?

He asks me if I want to say goodbye for good, definitely not but I tell him “You want to make your relationship work & I need to move on. Neither can happen if we’re still in contact” I tell him that it’s part of why I wanted my keys back because I keep listening for him to use then. “I wouldn’t of used them without telling you? Secretly you wanted me to visit again?” I laugh & tell him it’s not a secret. I am thankful that he wouldn’t use my keys, but I am also living this dumb fantasy that he will, you know? Now I can relax.

He tells me “Probably the best thing you can do for yourself is cut me off & ghost me. I’m trying to work out why you haven’t.” I tell him it’s because I still love him but ask if he wants to stop talking to me “Even more reason too. No I want to keep speaking, just don’t want to upset you” I ask if he wants to see me again “I would like too again. I enjoyed it. And… It felt unfinished. & that doesn’t mean sexually…”

The next morning he messages me saying that he swears I went into kiss him, but I didn’t. I tried to give him a hug with a sweeping kiss on the cheek. I tell him that I am going to miss him helping me with food & diet the most. He says “I can still help. You do know I can’t just switch off everything. I can ignore it… But not switch off fully.” Well I’m glad he said that because, fuck I don’t want to stop talking to him. We chat about the fact I’ve been to a naturopath & he’s been eating a lot of food lately.

I have also been sent their online dating profile that they share, with the same user name as their new chat app account names. OMG… That’s just fucking sad. Get your own identity! Their profile picture is her sucking his dick… Yeah I’m so glad I’ve seen that! Fucking hell… He says that she made the profile that it’s all her, the pictures & everything. There are a few lies about their weight & body types. He also tells me that his partner is telling anyone who’ll listen on the chat app that they are open because he cheated & going in o the whole thing. I try to help him out letting him know that he shouldn’t be on the chat app because there are people with screenshots trying to destroy his relationship. All he’ll need is her to find the wrong person & it’ll be over. He tells me that she knows everything & the screenshots won’t matter… OK well, considered yourself warned Noodle, because you brought her on the chat app. He tells me that his partner has organised someone to fuck him solo & she’s fucking someone solo this week, that I snap.

“Fuck you. Have a nice time Noodle. I really do hope it all works out for you. I really did love you & you were my best friend I’m gonna miss that.” I don’t read his reply. But I get a few in a row… I am so fucking hurt right now… He messages me on the chat app but I ignore for hours, walking around the house sobbing. When I get a text message “I really didn’t want to piss you off & wasn’t trying…” I can’t help myself, I check the chat app messages “I didn’t fuck anyone for the record. I’ll miss you too… If that’s your goodbye. FFS Fuck didn’t want to piss you off.”

I throw my phone on the couch & cry…. Fuck this is excruciating… A few hours later, I get another message “I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin, you are worth more than that to me to just forget you. Goodbye then, your fucking amazing & one day you’ll get a guy you deserve, I hope everything that happened between us will make you a better person. I’ll never forget you.” I can’t believe that I only saw this man yesterday & now we’re fighting… I am so hurt, I can’t even contemplate what I want or be rational. I take an hour to write my response “You may as well stab me every time you say some guy will be so lucky to have me – you were that lucky guy! You hurt me by saying you wish things were different – things can be different if you got some legal advice & let me help you with everything else. It kills me every time you tell me something about your amazing sex life – but I truly hope it works out for you. I don’t want to throw our friendship in the bin either but for now, I have to walk away. I can’t keep hearing these things from you, I overthink it & it gives me hope you’re going to make the right decision. Just so you know I won’t every do anything to jeopardise your relationship, so if anything is every said, it’s not from me. In the future, you can contact me, but for now we have to move on. Good luck Noodle. #IBD4U” Instantly he writes back “Hmmm.”

FUCK.

Later than night after a few hours of my goodbye, I’ve fulling cat him off, he messages me again accusing me of telling his other friend on the chat app that he’s a loser with no friends… She was a good friend to him & when it ended I chatted to her a fair bit & she told me that he loved me a lot & he was very torn about what to do. She had advised him & been a great friend. I am fuming at his message, that I am not going to write back but then I can’t help myself. I explain that I told her that he has no friends to talk to about me, not that he didn’t have friends. Not many people on the chat app know about us & he obviously hadn’t told anyone in his real life about me, so he only really had her to talk to about me. He doesn’t believe me & I write a message trying to explain it better & I get back “k” My family is over for dinner & I literally burst into tears & barely function for the evening… FUCK… This can’t be how it ends with Noodle.

#IBD4U

So I had decided that I need sex with someone else because I need to stop thinking about sex with Noodle. How good sex was with him! OMG… How comfortable I felt with him… How much I love him… STOP. Also now he’s getting amazing sex from his partner apparently (Thanks for sharing, was not necessary!), I should be too.

I post on the anonymous app for a hook up, so many men respond, but I start chatting ot one in particular, who seems kind of normal… He says he’s going to the footy tonight & asks what are the chances of us actually meeting up, because he’ll stay sober & come over after the game. I tell him that if his pictures are pretty realistic, then his chances are very good. He’s cute, seems tall & just what I need tonight.

We chat a little but not much because he says that his phone is dying (& he’s at the footy with mates) & he wants to be able to message me once the game is done. I ask him if he’s single & he says “not exactly.” Oh FFS, what does that even mean?! He explains he’s married – separated, they still live together but they sleep in separate rooms. (Yeah right!) At this point, I am so hurt by Noodle that I don’t even care what this guys deal is. I’ve already fucked another married guy Rob Rob earlier today at his house, like I will never learn my lesson! & I can’t really judge Crows, I mean Fireman said that he lived with his ex for almost a year before he moved out of the house because it got awkward & they were fighting a lot. I guess if things are amicable for Crows & his wife, then I guess staying together for the kids is a good idea.   I still let Crows come over because let’s face it, I need something to erase the fact I lost something so special to me – even if it wasn’t special to Noodle (Though I believe the same as what some of my readers that have said about Noodle is burying his feelings for me & telling himself that he wants his partner because he wants his kids… Maybe I’m naïve, maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I agree with my readers!) What is it about married men that I’m attracted too or are attracted to me!

Crows is definitely better looking than his pictures that he sent me – he’s tall, slim, muscly – almost can see ab definition & very handsome. I feel a bit out of my depth now that he’s turned up at my house. Thank god I am drinking wine, wondering if I can go through this or not. We sit down on the couch to chat, as I had said to him during the chat today that I didn’t want to be just a root, I want an ongoing friends with benefits with someone who is good at sex – is that so much to ask?

Crows moves in to kiss me, he’s a good kisser… We have sex – it is good sex & I find myself enjoying it, not thinking about anything else but this guy with me – much to my surprise. He has a pretty big thick cock that worries me that it’ll hurt me when I initially see it. I am known for not loving a big dick because it can hurt me. But it seems to fit alright & it’s actually good. Sometimes men with big dicks think that’s all it takes so they aren’t very good at sex. I find men with smaller cocks seem to work harder! Hahaha.

When Crows goes down on me, I actually think that he’s better than Noodle to be honest, he actually makes me cum pretty easily like he’s eating a really juicy peach, while then slipping in 2 fingers & make me cum like I never thought I would again with another man. Wow, I’m really surprised I let go enough to cum like that with a complete stranger. I mean I had cum with Rob Rob today but this was an intense orgasm that I never have with strangers. Noodle was the only one to get me to cum like that ever before. WOW.

Crows lays around for a while with me after which I also like, I hate when a dude just jump up & runs away (probably home to their wives, lets face it!) but what the actual fuck, I spill the beans about the whole story with Noodle. He listens, asking questions & provides his perspective which I appreciate & he leaves. I cannot believe that I have done that, what is wrong with me?! Why would I tell a random stranger about the guy I am still in love with & about all the shit he’s doing with his partner now she knows about me.

Just a side note to that too – I know some of you have said that Noodle was lying about her or she was cheating on him. Well I can confirm that Noodle didn’t lie about their sex life before or after their affair. I have no idea if she had an affair, but I had actually questioned that myself – why else would someone be so paranoid… However, I have seen a few women that have been cheated on & become a crazy sexy sexual being after her partner cheats. I believe that it’s because they think that he cheated on her because of the sex. The women (& men) who are cheated on are told the lies that it was just sex so they try to change their ways to keep their partner happy. What they don’t realise, that if it was just sex, the guy would probably be fucking a new person every week, I mean it’s less risky because the random sex encounter rather than a ongoing affair with the same woman. Clearly when a man cheats just with one woman for a year, it is more than just sex…

I expect never to hear from Crows again being that he’s married with very little kids too – I mean he says he’s separated & living in separate rooms, however I am not sure how much I believe that story to be really honest. Plus I just had verbal diarrhoea about my now ex (or whatever the fuck Noodle was/is). FUCK. I can’t believe that I did that… Am I ever going to be ok with another man ever again? I mean I am trying so hard right not to get over Noodle. I have fucked Rob Rob today & his house & now I have fucked another married man on the same damn day! I mean I am not sure I believe Crows story of being separated, but at this point, I don’t even care! I am literally an empty shell, barely functioning.

I’m surprised when Crows messages me again & offers up his chat app user name for me to chat to him on there – which is a bit easier. He says he recognises my profile straight away & remembers being in a banter group with Noodle & I. He said he felt awkward trying to talk to me because Noodle always jumped on any guy that attempted to talk to me. (OMG, others noticed it too!) FUCK me, it makes me miss Noodle even more.

I chat to Crows almost daily but we don’t catch up again for over a month. I think that his story of being separated is total bullshit or I scared him off with my stupid verbal diarrhoea. Probably the latter. But also because a lot of stuff happens that you’ll find out in some other blogs. Stay tuned! Hahaha.

He says he has to work early & then look after the kids so he could come to my house at 5:30 am. I tell him that I will leave the door unlocked but will get back into bed… Why do I let men do this? This is only like the second time I will have ever met this man & I’m getting up to unlock the door then waiting in bed for them!? Fuck. I’m so dumb sometimes. However we have amazing sex & while it’s good while I’m with him, I can’t help but think about Noodle once Crows is gone…

When will I ever stop thinking about Noodle after I fuck other guys?

#IBD4U