Tag: Love

Again, Noodle has the control. He logs off & doesn’t bother to message me again. I fucking hate that he does that I can’t do anything about it. I mean I can, but I am not a fucking idiot. He’s told me this woman will hunt me down & kill me. I also don’t really want to cause him any more drama. Or do I? I mean I will admit, I’m only human, I consider rocking up at his work, her work, their house, I even consider faking a pregnancy… Like I mean my thoughts are clearly a little nuts when heartbroken, I get that, but I’m pretty sure that’s normal thoughts, what’s not normal is acting on it. Man I wish I was nuts!

Interestingly, I never hear from him again on that account, I get a screenshot from another person who knows us well, who sends me a copy of Noodle’s new chat app account. What a fucking asshole… His name is a word (which I won’t share) but then “guy” with his year of birth. Oh fuck, so assuming she’ll be the same word with “girl” & her year of birth (Which I know because she just turned 30). I look it up & bingo, there is her face both on the app with only a couple of days on her tally (as the chat apps tells you how many days you’ve been on the chat app). OMG. The thing that bothers me about this is that he would pay anyone else out for doing that, having matching names, he would give them so much shit, yet he’s now got fucking matching user names… OMG he’s really not the guy I thought he was…. He’s such a fucking wanker! I can’t even believe that I was (lets face it, still am) in love with this man. Why hasn’t he messaged me on this new account? We were chatting ok on the other one?! I am so fucking angry, I haven’t heard from him for a couple of days. He’s now back on my turf with her & hasn’t bothered to tell me. He is fucking stupid! Why would he bring her onto the chat app after publicly announcing that he was with me under his old account that he shared pictures with so everyone knows who he is & now he has his face up again & so does she… I know he told her we met at the gym, but he should’ve kept her far away from the chat app, with everything he could!!

I message him on the chat app from my account to his new account & he reads it then never replies. So I send another message & he doesn’t read it, I get nothing, I send another & he never reads it. FUCK YOU NOODLE! I’m so mad & beyond caring at this point that I send him a text message “Noodle, I need to get my key back & I’ve got your xmas present + name badges to give back too. We need to meet.” I say that stuff in case she reads it – just so she knows some stuff he might not tell her. But I get nothing back from him. What a fucking wanker! I am so angry!

At this point though, I didn’t know there were emails waiting for me in my junk box, until I met Cowboy for coffee. So I am fuming about how Noodle has left things with me. But obviously when I sent the message on the chat app & then the text, he emailed me to ask me to stop & also that he would meet me for lunch this weekend. He also tells me that he blocked me on the chat app because she has full access to his phone & doesn’t want her to find my messages. He tells me in the emails that he’ll chat to me at work. All I care about right now is getting my keys back so I can move on. I can’t stop thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need to dash that fantasy right away!

Finally on the weekend, he’s chatting to me on the chat app, I ask why he didn’t message me & he says that it was part of the conditions, he couldn’t talk to me. I tell him that I figured that I was worth more than being ghosted but he tells me that it wasn’t possible… I call bullshit. I mean he wasn’t at work, I guess so couldn’t message – but he’s back at work now. If you remember when he used to message me in the shower or toilet – a cheeky message or 2, I’m sure he could’ve found some time to message me a proper goodbye, if he really loved me like he said he did…

I tell him that I feel stupid for emailing all that stuff, but I wanted him to know that I held back so much because he was already with someone, but in the email, I didn’t hold back at all. I let him know how much I loved him & that I had visions of marrying him, visions of his kids with us, him living in my house… That we would make our own… He tells me that it was very heartfelt, he had the same fantasies & that I don’t often show the vulnerable side of me. Which is true, I mean he was in a relationship the whole time, so I was guarded & keeping a guard up because I was protecting myself… I had to protect myself. Imagine how destroyed I’d be right now if I didn’t… I mean it’s bad enough as it is!

He tells me that his hours have changed at work on Tuesday nights so he wouldn’t have been able to see me at all & that he was holding me back… I mean when he was on annual leave & we still saw each other, we would have made something work – so he’s just making excuses now. He asks me if I got laid yet, which I haven’t… I haven’t even been able to make myself cum at this point because I can’t think of anyone else but Noodle’s face at the moment, so I haven’t done anything at this point…

I ask the question I’ve been burning to know… You probably have too “So how did she find my undies anyway?” Why haven’t I asked this yet?! I assume she was snooping in his gym bag & found them, brought them into their living room & held them asking who’s are these… “I left them on top of the fridge” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Why would he put them on the fucking fridge… Were they in a bag or a container or something? Did this guy want to get caught or what? “Thinking she is short she wouldn’t find them. Big mistake. Haha” The fridge? I mean what the actual fuck really… He said they were just on the fridge, bright green lace panties on his fridge… Fuck he’s an idiot!

He told her that he met me at the gym, which was stupid really, because I’m certain that he won’t be allowed to go again now. He said his partner has been ok while he was at home still on paternity leave, but now that he’s back at work she’s gone a little nuts, messaging him all day & not happy when he doesn’t reply quick enough. Says that she’s tracking his phone more than ever, as she’s home on maternity leave while he is back at work. I feel sorry for both of them. That’s no way to live!

When Noodle confirms with me that he told her that he wasn’t in love with me & that we were only fucking for 3 months – he figures that we only loved each other for 3 months so everything before that didn’t matter, I want to hit him. I fucking hate that he told her that, I mean I understand why, to save face with the mother of his children. I knew that he would lie to her, but fuck me, that fucking hurts me like hell, by trivialising what we had. My first love dissolved into a 3 month meaningless affair to him.

Also why is he telling me this, I mean we’ve always been honest with each other, but is he trying to hurt me? Is he doing this on purpose to make me hate him or is it just that we told each other everything & so he continues the honesty? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But fuck, I do want to know. I want to know what lies she’s been told. I feel so sorry for her, I truly do. Not only has her life been a lie for so long, when she knew something was going on but he lied to her face the whole time & now he’s lied to her even more but she thinks he’s being so honest with her. What’s even more perplexing to me, is why I still want to be with the man! A liar…

He tells me that she keeps offering to have a 3sum with me… WTF! (As if I would ever fucking do that!) He tells me that he never told her we had one with Sweetie. Another fucking lie… He tells me that she just wants to compare herself to me… I mean I get that, I know what she looks like & honestly can see what the attraction to me was for him. She’s not ugly at all but without being a big head, I am more attractive & have a better body – however she has had 2 kids. She isn’t ugly though at all… She has lips I’d kill for. Hahaha.

He tells me that she also found my phone number on their iPad from the last time I saw Noodle, where he was asked to send a picture to her of him at the gym. We’d text each other to my work iPhone to see if the live picture thing worked with old photos, which it did. I’m android on my personal phone that was the only time he ever used my work number. He didn’t know that the text message would be on his iPad… Fuck, now I have to wait for her to message me on my fucking work phone! Jesus… I’m surprised she hasn’t done it already!

He tells me that “She’s been asking me all afternoon to meet up with you & ask for a 3sum tho.” OH WOW… She’s been asking him to meet me? Yet only a few weeks ago he was told not to see me or message me as part of the “conditions.” Now she’s willing to let him meet me?! I guess she doesn’t know that he was in love with me or how long it went on for, he’s lied about that… She just thinks we were sex & that Noodle was unhappy with their sex life. So right now, she’s doing everything she can to satisfy him in the bedroom… I tell him that we need to meet obviously to get my keys back, I don’t want him to drop them off because I don’t need her to be tracking his phone when he drops them off. I tell him that I will meet him. He says he won’t use the keys but he doesn’t want her to know where I live either. I agree that I know he won’t use the keys, I am not worried about that, I mean I want him to use the keys to come live with me, but since we’re over, I can’t have him keeping them because it’s doing my head in thinking about him rocking up. At least if he doesn’t have keys, he’ll have to message me at least to come over.

The next day, I have finally slept! A decent night sleep! Noodle chats to me again in the morning & asks if it’s made it better or worse for me, talking to him again. I tell him the truth, it is worse but also better (I’ve slept!). I hated being cut off & not knowing what was going on – as much as I don’t want to hear the answers, I’m kind of glad to get some answers. He tells me that it scares him to see me or talk to me because he’s still in love with me & never wanted to lose me as a friend. Which I agree, I stupidly want him as a friend too, I mean I still want him more than a friend, but right now, I need to still be talking to him because it’s not over for me. He tells me that he’s surprised I’m even chatting to him that he thought I would hate him & be over him… Well clearly he doesn’t know me at all, if he thinks that. His self esteem is either worse than I ever imagined or I loved him more than he loved me…

Noodle asks if anyone in the groups has said anything, I tell him that everyone was pretty good to me about it, supportive & some even thought we were actually a couple & didn’t realise we were having an affair. Even though we officially didn’t tell many people on the chat app, that we were seeing each other, people still worked it out. It wouldn’t be hard, we were in all the same groups & pretty much chatted at the same time. I tell him “Sweetie wanted to come to your work to talk to you… & also wanted to find your partner to tell her she fucked you.” That would just cause so much shit, but I secretly wish that that happened! I think she has a right to know, but I also don’t want to be the one to destroy his life.

Noodle tells me that he considered me his girlfriend… OMG, did I have a boyfriend? I didn’t even realise I did… He tells me that he loves us both, but wants me more – I can’t believe that right now, he says that he thinks about me more but he didn’t know what else to do but he tells me that he’s been holding me back for so long. Which again I don’t agree with!

I ask him about something that has been eating at me, why didn’t I ask more questions about his family… I won’t go into details because I respect Noodle (regardless of how he’s treated me!) but I get the details about the tragedy that rocked his family when he was really young & for some reason, I am so glad I asked… He makes more sense now why he doesn’t want to leave his kids full time. But also just so you all understand, the things that happened to Noodle are why he has serious self esteem issues & never thinks I am good enough for him.

I can’t help myself but spill the beans about the other stuff going on in my life, I tell him that I am upset because my godmother has just passed away & all I want from him is a hug to make me feel better. I have been away for work again, which sucks – because I’m fully alone, in the hotel thinking! He says that I always did struggle being away – but now it’s worse.

I don’t want to dwell on all this shit, so I just ask when I can meet him to get my keys, he asks if I want to just meet & get my keys or if I want to talk. I ask if he can meet me for his lunch break which he says he could probably come out for half an hour. I agree to meet up with him tomorrow at work!

FUCK. Am I ready to see him again? Can I see him again? Is this a big mistake? Should I even go though with this?!

#IBD4U

A reader has shared a couple of stories with me, she calls herself Tinderella. There are a couple of stories, so please enjoy her tales…

Thank god I am not alone in the crazy dating world. Thanks for sharing.

The Start

After leaving my ex husband in less than ideal circumstances and a near death experience that involved a colostomy bag sex was the last thing on my mind.

I hadn’t even bothered masturbating, I had never been any good at it – and I hadn’t bought any toys either. I was healed up and feeling myself again so it was mostly out of interest that I leaned across to my friend Di in a bar and as the only single woman there quizzed her on Tinder. In my mind Tinder was for hook-ups, I wasn’t interested in a relationship (or so I thought) I had the kids, a busy life and I decided the only thing missing was some consistent sex.

Setting up Tinder was the easy part, choose some decent photos from Facebook (be make sure to show your “size” I am not a small chick), and start swiping. I had a lot to learn in regard to Tinder language (although I considered myself not to be too naïve). We were driving home from the airport when I set it up, we had an hours drive in front of us and with my sister driving I entered the world of online dating for the first time.

The first “match” I made resulted in us screaming in laughter, I had a match. Before I could realise what I had done a message popped up “Hi”  (what an opening for a conversation, now a days she would expect more but back then I knew no better). “Hi” I replied. “Where do you live?” was his next question, I replied with my town and he told me he was an hour away.  Working out how to look at his profile made me thankful the conversation stopped there, there was a gaming chair in the background and I could not imagine dating someone who played console games! I had just turned 40 for goodness sake.

The next match made was Cedric. Now Cedric was a tall Nigerian man who lived in a town an hour away. He had his occupation listed as a pharmacist. The conversation was not thrilling, but a date was made for the next week for coffee, I needed to be in the city for a specialist appointment and I thought I would kill two birds with one stone.

Meeting Cedric at a coffee shop was both thrilling and bloody awkward! This was the first date I had been on in almost 20 years, I can usually make conversation with anyone but thankfully for me I did not have to do much talking. He was full of chat and came across as very self confident. In our chats on Tinder I got the usual “What are you looking for?” I had answered with something casual, at this point I thought I wanted sex only, but with one person. I had answered to that effect and he had replied that he was ok with a casual relationship. When sitting across from him at the coffee shop he leaned toward me and asked, “so you have been separated 2 years?”, I said yes, he asked “How do you take care of yourself?” of course I was shocked by the question. For starters we were sitting in a coffee shop on the riverbank and this man is asking me about my masturbation habits! I deliberately misunderstood and told him I kept myself very busy, the kids and my part time small business kept me occupied.

A sentence or two later, he tried again, “when you said you wanted casual…” At this point I was mortified. I felt like we stood out like a sore thumb, this big African man and myself sitting at the table in the coffee shop surrounded by friends catching up and families stopping after bike rides. I suggested we go for walk to talk. We set off on the walking track (why is it easier to talk when you walk? Is it because you don’t have to look at the person you are talking to?} As we walked along he grabbed my hand, you know how sometimes you can just feel someone’s intentions? I could tell he wanted to get closer to me but I didn’t know how to instigate anything, and we were in public!!!

After walking awkwardly for ten minutes or so with him holding my hand we sat down on a bench. Next minute he had his arm around me and was pulling me close. Now I feel like I need to explain myself a bit here: I hadn’t dated or been touched by a man in almost 2 ½ years, and it was nice, he had a strong arm, did not seem put off by my size at all (I’m still waiting for some douche to tell me I don’t look like my pictures) after some more awkward chit chat he asked if he could kiss me. Fuck, did he have to ask? I am a chronic over thinker and you should not give me the opportunity to think things like this over, regardless I agreed, then we are sitting on the bench by a walking track kissing. I was feeling very self conscious at this point, even more so when his hand went up to my breast. I pushed it down and told him very quickly we were in public and that needed to stop. After 20 minutes of kissing and conversation I needed to be on my way. We kissed goodbye at the car, much better than at the bench… Why is it men think sticking their tongue down your throat is such a great kissing move? I said my goodbyes and off we went.

Cedric sent me a text later telling me how much he had enjoyed meeting me and we made plans to get together the next weekend. Lots of things about him made me realise there would never be a proper relationship between the two of us – and that was fine. He was religious; I wasn’t. He lived an hour away from me, his work hours didn’t work within my life very well and he seemed tight with cash, I actually thought he might have been expecting me to pay for his coffee at the café, that wasn’t going to happen mate!

He had also told me while we were sitting on the park bench that there were some Australian women who only dated African men, he seemed to find that very interesting, he said he had mates who dated women that only dated African men. I am pretty sure I made sure that his ethnicity had nothing to do with my decision to have coffee with him. I had also been chatting to a man Ryan who lived much closer to me, we had arranged a date for Saturday night – he was a sex only hook up I had planned.

Cedric rang me twice that week, surprising me both times, he sounded lovely on the phone and we made a date for Saturday as well – suddenly I had two men booked in for the same day – different times of course!  I had plans to cancel one of them if the other worked out. My gut was telling me that it wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it too – I thought I would be let down by both – and a message from Cedric on Friday confirmed my suspicions. Just after Cedric’s message I messaged Ryan – “Still good for Saturday night?” His response confirmed by suspicions. He had just got out of hospital from a suspected mini heart attack and was feeling very tired. He promised to make it up to me soon.

Cedric’s car wasn’t working – to be honest I wasn’t surprised – it looked like a $500 bomb, and the car he was borrowing off a friend couldn’t be used on Saturday. I was having dinner with a friend when the messages were coming through. I asked her whether I should offer to pick him up – he lived an hour from me – I didn’t want to come across as desperate but I hadn’t had sex in over 2 years – he seemed like a sure thing!

I offered to collect him and he took me up on the offer, it shows how much I wanted some attention that I was out of bed at 7am on a Saturday morning and on my way to collect him – I love a good sleep in! I collected him from work and we headed back home, chatting awkwardly on the way. We arrived in my home town and went for a drive and walk along the beach – I thought he must have gone off me – he was not making any attempts to hold my hand or kiss me. I looked down at his socks in sandals and wondered what the fuck I was doing. Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

We made our way home. Came into the lounge room and things started to get quite weird! We sat next to each other on the couch and next second he is launching himself at me, kissing me hard. He leaned back, undid his belt and pulled his pants down. He looked at me and said “blow me”. Now having just come out of a marriage of a long time and not having “dated” in the last 20 years I was at a loss. What was I supposed to do? The pressure got the better of me, I looked him in the eye and said “you are going to be really good to me after this aren’t you?” I kneeled on the floor in front of him and sucked his cock for a few minutes. Its not something I particularly enjoy unless I am in the mood… I got up and suggested we go to my room, on the way out he slapped me on the backside, I was like “what?” He told me some women liked it rough. I was like which women? He told me his friends had told him that some women liked it rough.

We made it into my room and onto my bed where we were kissing and touching more he started to touch my breasts, squeezing them like they were avocados and he was checking for ripeness. I just went along with things giving him the benefit of the doubt. If need be I would take control of the situation. We were both naked and I was grinding my clit against his cock when he said to me “Am I inside you?” I was shocked, turns out he had lied about his age saying he was 38 when he was actually 32. Instantly I realised that if he was not a virgin he did not have much sexual experience at all. He suggested we just lie and “cuddle” for a bit.Now I am all for enthusiastic consent but I was feeling a bit led on at this stage. This man had met me, called me and knew exactly what I wanted SEX!!! We laid next to each other for the next hour or so with his arm around my shoulders, my hand would make its way down to his cock and he would tell me I was naughty and that he just wanted to “cuddle for a bit”.

I made the mistake of mentioning Netflix or the TV – I cant be sure which – he was very excited to hear I had a TV and wanted to go to the lounge room and watch it. I still had to get this guy back to his home town – an hour away. We went and watched tv for a couple of hours and then I suggested I could take him home earlier than we had planned if he had liked. He said yes – I had cracked the shits big time, I hadn’t offered him a drink or food in the time since he had left work and I wasn’t about to either! We drove back to his town in uncomfortable silence and I took him home to get his stuff ready for work. While he was inside I sent a quick text to the other guy I had lined up previously to see how he was feeling….

#IBD4U

 

For those wanting more Noodle posts, just be aware that he is sprinkled in a lot of the other blogs that I have coming up, as all the stories intertwine. Skipping one will probably confuse you if you just look out for Noodle specific blogs. My advice, is don’t skip over any blogs, because if you want to hear about Noodle, he’s everywhere. Plus lets also find out how my story ends! Hahaha… It can’t get any worse, can it?

What a surprise that Noodle didn’t like Fireman, Noodle was so adamant to our little clique group that he wasn’t a fireman at all. Trying to show us evidence that he wasn’t a fireman – well technically he wasn’t, he was a volunteer with the CFS & was trying to get into the MFS. Fine, good on him, not a lie, but Noodle wouldn’t let it go…. You can probably guess why he was making a fuss – yes because fireman was showing interest in me in the group! Another guy I need to stroke Noodle’s ego about – Great!

I don’t private messaged Fireman for ages, not only because I know that Noodle would act like a douche to him – more than he already did but also because I didn’t want to chat to other people outside of the groups. But when I was in Kangaroo Island, I had that fight with Noodle about his flippant spending & he as at the Limp Bizket concert, I started chatting to Fireman. He was cuteish & seemed like a really decent guy, also single. We were just chatting, wasn’t daily but was most days, I always made him make the effort to be honest to chat to me.

Only 2 weeks after ending with Noodle & during his first lot of radio silence Fireman asked me to catch up with him for a coffee. I didn’t have to tell him about the breakup, he already knew & was basically the only guy pulling me though right now. I still have J-Lo to talk too but he didn’t really ever seen Noodle in action in the groups. Fireman saw what Noodle was like to other guys, including himself. He also saw the message about fucking the shit out of me too…

During one day at work, I was in the same area as Fireman, we were chatting while at work & he says that we should meet, I’m reluctant to meet him, things are still semi unresolved with Noodle, but he’s moving on, so fuck it, I need to move on too!

I meet Fireman for a coffee during our lunch breaks which seemed to align – I’m not eating still & know I look like shit, a few people have told me I’ve lost too much weight (I wish that were true!) but I always lose it first in my face – why is that when I have a gut to lose, that I lose it from my face first & get told I look to skinny! I wish!

I feel bad about meeting this guy who is seemingly decent, has been super understanding about my situation & I’m fucking using him to get over Noodle. But this guy also knows the whole story as he’s been in the groups long enough to know the gossip. Fuck the gossip is hilarious on this app… Better than Days of Our Lives. Hahaha.

I see him walking over to me in the café, he’s very tall, taller than I was expecting, he’s more Noodle’s height with a almost shaved head, he’s pretty much exactly like his pictures he’s sent. He’s cute, has a cute smile & we hug & kiss on the cheek hello, he pays for my lactose free hot chocolate – the only thing I can stomach right now & even then it it’s a struggle to have anything in my tummy at the moment.

He seems really lovely in real life, we chat easily, again it’s a lot about Noodle, which I can’t help – he asks & you can tell by my face that I am fucking heartbroken. He’s just split from his ex of a few years & has a young daughter with her which is one of the reasons they stayed together for so long. He’s been living with his ex & daughter but in a separate room, which has been hard for him but they decided to keep their daughters life as normal as they can by living together & it seemed to be working for them.

I talk mostly about Noodle again, I can’t even believe that Fireman messages me later that night & asks what I’m doing. Because I’ve lost so much weight in the last few weeks, I need new jeans, so I tell him that I’m heading to the shops to buy new jeans & he says if I want company then he’s free. I think this is a little weird but I agree that he can come jean shopping with me. I mean I was just going to go to the shops & go home. But he meets me at the shops & we go into my favourite jean shop.

Stupidly I start trying on jeans 2 sizes too big, not realising that I am now a size 12 at Jeanswest! I end up buying 2 pairs of jeans & help him pick out 2 pairs, the woman also asks us if we want to share a change room, my thoughts wander because if this was Noodle, I’d totally say yes & fuck him in the change room sneakily… But this is a semi random guy, I’ve only met him for the first time for coffee today, although we’ve been chatting a while now. So we both decline, with an awkward giggle – I think he’s thinking the same thing as me, if our relationship was further along, then we probably would go into the same change room but we don’t & finalise our purchases.

Walking out awkwardly, I realise we’ve been here about 30 minutes & he drove about an hour to get here. I suggest something else, asking if he wants to go to a movie which he says yes too. We go to the movies & the head our separate ways.

The next time I see Fireman is the night after Dom & I fucked… I didn’t want Fireman to be my rebound, but I needed to fuck someone else. I figure that tonight I will probably have sex with Fireman as I am going to his house after a drink with a girl friend. He’s just moved into a new house separate from his ex-partner & has been busy setting up the house which is why I haven’t seen him, it’s totally fine, I am not bothered. His house is in a new estate which is all those houses really close together that all look the same, it’s a long skinny 2 story town house. Brand new & looks good. We sit on the couch with a beer & he puts on a movie. We watch a movie & he lets me cuddle into him on the couch, I’m wearing my new jeans & so is he. My top slides up a bit so he is able to tickle my hip as we cuddle on the couch. We watch a second movie too & I realise that it’s getting late that I leave. As I’m saying goodbye at the door, I lean in to hug him & he kisses me goodbye. We kiss for a while & he isn’t that great of a kisser but I think because I am comparing him to Noodle.

He messages me to tell me that he wishes he kissed me earlier & that I stayed. But being that this guy lives an hour & a half away from me & it’s 1:30 am & I have to be at the Psychic Fair with my friend in the morning, I decide to leave, he messages me on the way home to tell me to message him when I get home. Awww how sweet!

#IBD4U

One of the first things that everyone says post break up is NOT go to psychic, I even read a breakup book a good work friend gave me that said under no circumstances should you see a psychic post break up.

This I would probably agree with. I can imagine that many psychics tell you what you want to hear… What do I want to hear? That Noodle is going to come back to me. He’s going to realise his mistake & come to me. Do I want to hear that? Do I even want that? He’s hurt me in so many ways that I can’t even think about how pathetic I’d be if he did come crawling back & if I allowed that. Would I be strong enough to refuse him?

However I didn’t want to know the usual thing about love that women probably want to hear, that he will come crawling back to me… I don’t want to know that, I am sure that Noodle will come back to me without a doubt. I am just not sure when he will or for how long or even in what format, but it’s something I know. Something I feel. I know that’s going to happen. Our story isn’t over. I can feel that. Have you ever had that feeling? With Boyfriend, I knew it was the end, I didn’t want to give it up because I was comfortable with him but I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t the one for me. Now I’m not sure if Noodle is the one, I’m not even sure I believe in the one, but I know that this is not the end with Noodle.

I ask a friend if she wants to go to psychic fair with me, I’ve never been before but I want to go, I’m not sure why or what I want to know but I want to go & so does my friend. There is some weird pull for me about this too… It’s like I need to go.

The morning of the psychic fair Noodle fucking messages me on my fetlife account which is just a kinky facebook. Why the fuck does he choose times like this! I hate his timing sometimes. “You finally fucked anyone else yet? You’ll so well now that I’m not holding you back, & you know damn well your a sexy bitch.” I think he’s trying to tell me that I should know by now that he was holding me back. I hate that he thinks I need kink to be happy. I enjoy kink, I like kink, I obviously like rough sex but I don’t have to have it.. Fucking hell this man messes with my head! I don’t ever write back to the fetlife message.

I ask my friend how to choose a psychic that I want to do a reading for me & she said I should be drawn to someone, so to speak. We walk around & I see this woman sitting by herself & I tell my friend that I want to see her for a reading.

I sit with her I honestly think this is a bit of bullshit, what am I even doing here, what do I even want to know to be honest?! Until this woman says to me “I know you’ve just changed from weights to cardio & this is a good decision.” WHAT THE FUCK… That’s so specific… But also this freaks me out a little because it is literally what my naturopath had told me to do only 2 nights earlier when I saw her! Trust me, I never would have expected the psychic to be so specific. After that I relaxed with her. I honestly wish I recorded it, because I forget some of the things she actually said to me.

She tells me that I will have 2 ex’s & they will come back into my life & I need to hang up the phone & ignore them. HANG UP THE PHONE! She tells me this several times, looking me right in the eye when she does telling me to tell them they’ve got the wrong number. Yeah I know this is correct, but will I be strong enough?

She also asks me who is T**y. (I can’t write the actual name because it might be significant in my blog one day!) I am like I don’t know any T**y but she tells me that I will meet a T**y next year before my birthday, which I guess is like 18 months away at this point. T**y, he will apparently already have a child – this I am happy about… I will probably meet him though my work, but it will be ok to date him, it won’t need to be a secret. She says that we’ll be happy & that I’ll also be working for myself… (Interestingly 18 months later, I don’t work for myself… I write this blog, but don’t get paid for it!) Finally a man that won’t be a secret! I can’t wait for that day!

I talk to my friend about the fact Noodle hadn’t talked to me expect his stupid message this morning on fetlife that I didn’t reply too. I also want my key back – I need it back for my sanity. She suggests I just go to his work today & get it. I change at home & head confidently to his work, walking around the store trying to find him. I didn’t see his car but hoping that he’s there since I worked up the courage. I ask at the front desk but he’s not at work today… FUCK.

Now after the psychic fair, now every time I see a T**y on any app I’m on, when on tinder or even facebook or in real life, where ever I am, I look at them wondering if they’ll be the T**y I’m supposed to meet & be with… One even adds me on Facebook when I’m in a singles group & I think fuck this could be my guy, however I’m not attracted to him at all & I ignore him.

This name seems to pop up a lot over the next 18 months that I am looking for someone & I can’t believe that none of them I am attracted too. Where is he??

#IBD4U

The 2 weeks following my break up with Noodle are a blur… Like I said I am not functioning, I am constantly thinking about him, about her. I am not having sex (yeah so unlike me!) I am not eating, I am fucking devastated… I have resisted the urge to email him, to text him, to call him, to go see him… I don’t know how I have resisted, but I have… I must fucking love him to be able to stay out of his life for this long without trying to make contact… Not wanting to complicate things for him… Not wanting to ruin his life even more than we have.

However within in the last 2 weeks, I have lost a lot of weight, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I’ve been going to the gym as that’s the only time I don’t think about him… Actually that’s a lie, I don’t fucking stop thinking about him at the gym either. I never stop.

Noodle still has my house keys, so I stupidly hear a car pull up & think it’s him. I wake up in the middle of the night hearing noises, thinking it’s Noodle sneaking into my house, like he’d done before to fuck me, only this time he’ll be here forever! My hopes are always dashed… Noodle never rocks up at my house. Noodle never uses that key… I need to get it back! I am going insane thinking about him rocking up at my house… I need it back…

I decide to email him. I antagonise about what to say, I spend a few days writing it… (I was going to post the whole email in this blog, but I have decided that it’s too personal. Weidly being you know eveything about me. Hahaha.) I actually pour my heart out to this guy, telling him that I don’t write to change his mind but that I want him to know some things that have been bothering me. I apologise for being so irrational in our final moments, I snapped & told him he was a fuckwit, yet next minute I was begging him to be with me. That was fucking dumb. I tell him about the fantasies I had about marrying him, living with him & waking up next to him everyday. I tell him that even though I never told him that much, I did think about a future with him, a future I could only dream of.

I call him out for lying to her still & trivialising what we had by saying it was only 3 months. That fucking hurts me, but he’s always been honest with me, so he was telling me that to be honest, not to hurt me. But it makes me feel so insignificant. How can this man have loved me like I loved him if he is willing to just act like he didn’t love me to someone else?!

I sign off

“Thank you for being my best friend.

Thank you for unleashing my inner sexual goddess (as you used to say).

Thank you for looking at me like I am the sexiset thing you’ve ever seen & making me feel so sexy.

Thank you for teaching me to love.

Thank you for loving me.

While I don’t think our story is over, it’s with a very heavy heart, I hearby end the Noodle vs #IBD4U Agreement 2018.

I love you.”

I don’t expect a reply, I don’t even know if he’s looking at the cheating email anymore… But I feel good for getting it all off my chest. I have out it all out there, I have bared my heart & soul to this man & like I said, it’s not because I want him to change his mind, but I need him to know. I know he’s probably sitting there thinking he is not good enough for me, that he is not that great. But I need him to know what I think of him, without him being able to rebuff what I say. An email is the perfect way for that.

I am going nuts though, when I don’t get a reply a few days later, so I finally snap & send him an actual text to his phone, when I know he is at work & can delete it. “I’m going crazy not talking… Can you please find a way?”

A few days later, he emails me & tells me that he’ll reply when he can & that he’ll put the chat app on his phone over the weekend at work to chat to me. I am finally relieved, that I may get some answers, be able to tell him some things.

When he finally does return to the chat app, his profile picture is a black dot. I ask him what that’s all about about he says that he’s scared his partner is going to go on the chat app. He tells me that he told her we met at the gym so she doesn’t know he was on the chat app. I explain that she’s more likely to call me on my work number than try to find me on the chat app. Surely?! “Umm guys have allready asked her if she’s on the chat app” Guys?! What the fuck? Guys? What guys?! I ask what he means & he is WAY too honest with me “Kinda in an open now… Guys from a site.” WHAT?! He tells me that he’s given her permission to see some guy tonight. My stomach heaves! A fucking open relationship!? Is he fucking kidding me! “Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me anymore…” Tears start rolling down my face… “Sorry but yeah, the reason why I have no pfp” I can’t help myself, I am a true masochist. “So you’re going to start seeing other women now?” I am still madly in love with this man, spilled my guts out in an email, which he didn’t respond too as such yet & he’s going to be fucking other women while his partner is out fucking other men? Only a few weeks ago she’d not even ever cum with him! Now they’re in a open relationship?! OMG… I can’t even cope! This is fucked… I am gutted.. I am shattered… “That’s the goal. Maybe you too again. Was hoping to see you again.” Really Noodle?! He then proceeds to tell me that she’s just sent him a picture of her sucking a guys dick, she even tells Noodle that his cock is a decent size & he believes her… I used to have to reassure him about his cock size all the fucking time, now she sees one dude & he believes her about his cock?! This is fucked up… This is fucking killing me… I can barely see from the tears streaming down my face. I am heart broken & he’s getting dick sucking pictures from his partner. OMG… He tells me she found a dude on a site & is with him right now. He says that’s its really quick & surprised him heaps. I can’t help but hide that I am shattered by this “I just hope you’re not so quick to find someone on a site.” I can’t even cope with this right now. “I want you, you twat. That’s why I’m trying for an open relationship.” Does he think that I can see him again? Or be happy being the second priority again? I stupidly ask him if she’s cum with him yet & when he says no comment, I can’t stop myself. He tells me that she’s a proper squirter (which I said at the fucking beginning…) He tells me that she’s let’s him cum on her face & loves it. He tells me that he can degrade me more though but she’s asked him to choke her when he gets home from work tonight! It’s Tuesday night, our usual night… FUCK… I cannot believe this! I curse the fact that we have a fucking honest friendship… I hate that he’s not sparing my feelings at all, but also sort of thankful that he is telling me what is going on, because it’s dashing all my hopes that they will break up & I will be with him.

He tells me she’s asked to buy lingerie but he tells me that my body is better than hers. She was so jealous that I orgasmed with him, which is why she now cums for him all the time… It was apparently the first thing she asked about our affair, if I came or not. He’s being way too honest, tells me he tried to fuck her ass but it’s too tight so they’re going to buy some butt plugs & that she’s rimmed him. FUCK!

He logs off & I am now driving my car to my sisters howling, I can’t even deal with this right now. I rock up on her door step without any messages or warning. Her husband opens the door & tkes one look at me & worriedly says my sisters name in a way that makes her jump out of her couch. The kids look at me like I’m a fucking nut case rocking up at their door unable to control my crying… I feel like a fucking wanker. I have not been online, not been chatting, not having sex because I am so fucking sad, so heartbroken about this fucking ending & here’s Noodle trolling online for a fucking open relationship. He can not love me the same way as I loved him… My sister is amazing though, I am forever thankful for her just listening to my sobs as my stomach heaves. I feel bad for her having to explain to her 5 year old why his aunty rocked up at their door howling.

I don’t sleep.

I don’t eat.

I cannot stop thinking about them fucking.

My heart is breaking all over again. I know those who were against this say I am getting what a deserved. But this is beyond what I deserve… I hate how honest he is. He’s a fucking prick to me right now. OMG, you cannot understand the pain I am in right now from these revelations!

The next morning at 6:30 am, I’ve barely slept a wink when I hear the tell tale sound of the vibrations of the chat app. I pick it up & see Noodle has messaged me “Morning. Sorry from now on I won’t talk about my sex life. Kinda was a douche without realizing” Well at least he realises that. I tell him that I haven’t slept a wink “I was holding out hope things were shit for you. Now I realise they’re not, I wish I never sent you that email… Feel like a fool.” I fucking wish I could turn back time right now… FUCKING HELL, what a wanker! “Your not a fool… I’m super proud of the things I did for you. I had similar fantasies. Just yeah the kids were the x factor. Things have been rocky. Trust me.” I can’t even believe that he’s saying these things sometimes… “I’ve spent the last 2 weeks crying, not sleeping, not eating & speaking to a psychologist cos I’m not ok , but things have been rocky but you’re getting everything you wanted… So yeah I’m a fool…” An epic fool!

I’m waiting for Noodle to reply when I get a couple of messages from other people on the chat app. I am too invested in what Noodle is saying to me that I almost don’t check them. However there is a screenshot of something Noodle has said in a group I’m not in. “Yeah if you turds didn’t work it out, I was fucking the shit out of #IBD4U. Seems common knowledge on the chat app now.” Someone sticks up for me in the group which I appreciate… “I will always be a dick & a prick… & If you guys were wondering, it was my cum on her face.” I read the screenshots, sent to me by several people in that group & kind of laugh… WHAT A FUCKING COCK FACE… I know he’s done it because he was dying to tell everyone on the chat app that he was fucking me. I mean I wanted to tell everyone too but I never would disrespect him like that… I ask him if he’s trying to hurt me. He said it wasn’t supposed to hurt me & then says “Wow that got back to you quick” I think Noodle forgets that I’m in about 20 or so of the groups, I own about 10 of them. People are loyal to me on there & he’s probably only been tolerated for as long as he has because of me… You know, cool by association. He was always a dick to everyone that there was a great divide on the app because of him. I tell him I got several copies of a screenshot from different people. “Haha Wow. It felt good to say it. Wanted to for a long time. I was fucking you…” I tell him that I never stopped him & he’s a fucking idiot for saying it now after telling me his partner is being asked for her chat app account. Won’t be long & she’ll be on there, that will be the end of him if she meets the wrong people on there… “I’m not proud of hurting you. I’m not proud of upsetting you. Or how things have ended. But I’m proud to have made you love. & to feel loved. Something you had never felt. Your an amazing woman.” Oh fuck off.

I tell Noodle that I haven’t fucked anyone else & I am not going to wait around for him to be in a fully open relationship to see me again when he says “I actual assumed you would of fucked other people by now. You have no issues getting offers. Guess you have even surprised me how much you felt for me. You were more than a FWB to me. I now consider you an ex GF… not a FWB” Fuck is he now my ex boyfriend…?! I remind him that he never believed me & never realised how deep my feelings were for him. I mean that’s partly my fault, I never fucking said it to him. But he tells me that holding his daughter the night it went down, she is only a few weeks old, that he couldn’t leave. I tell him that I love him & he tells me we had an online relationship, but he liked what we had & got jealous because he didn’t want to share me… This doesn’t make sense to me why he’s willing to share his partner now?! I tell him that it was more than an online relationship for me. He asks “Why didn’t we ever discuss this?” I don’t know why “Because I didn’t know you felt that way” He replies as I’m waiting to see my psychologist (who is the world’s biggest square, I swear he’s getting off on my story! Hahaha) “We definitely should of discussed some stuff.” Yeah I agree “I didn’t know you felt that way that we were only online. I tried to do more things I suggested kayaking, movies, gym, shopping & I was so pissed I was away for the limp bizket concert. We had so little time together. But we had started hanging out more… I never considered you an online relationship. Never realised that’s all you thought of me.” My message sits at unread… “I even thought about how we could still use the chat app if we were in a relationship for all the cheeky messages.” Why am I still trying to entice this man to be with me? He logs off & never logs back in… Not this old chestnut.

I go insane, not thinking they are breaking up now but thinking about their epic sex – anal, cum & 3sums. I mean what the fuck does he need me for now?!

I actually feel my broken heart crack into more pieces.

#IBD4U

I can almost hear the list of lies Noodle is telling her now to save his family. The list of lies is to stop her from kicking him out, keeping his kids from him. The list isn’t designed to hurt me or any mistress, but I can tell you that it fucking kills me to think about what he’s saying, I don’t even need him to confirm what he’s said, I already know it.

• It was just sex
• It meant nothing, she means nothing to me
• I didn’t mean to hurt you
• I’m not in love with her, I love you
• It was just one time (or shortened the time to less than it was, maybe months)
• It’s over – I won’t see her again
• I made a mistake
• I’m sorry

I’m almost certain that he’s also telling her that I’m crazy & obsessed with him, I gave him the panties to get him into trouble. I bet he’s not telling her all the details – I mean I don’t want to her to know that I’ve been to their house & that I’ve fucked him in their bed but she deserves to know the whole truth. I reckon he may have even told her that he tried to end it with me, perhaps that I threatened to tell her, so he kept seeing me? I know he’s telling her how much he loves her, how stupid he is, that he doesn’t want to lose his family.

I get I have totally fucked up here & someone got hurt other than me, some of you even think I am getting what I deserve… But you also have to remember, I am single, I’m allowed to be online trolling for men… I just never expected to fall in love with a partnered man who was trolling online for something too. I am not proud of what I did or how things happened, but I wasn’t expecting to be in absolute agony thinking about what he’s saying to her. He’s been with her for 10+ years, I get it. We’ve only had a year together, we’ve both had our guards up most of the time, not letting each other see the real us. I was never going to be the winner here (if there even is a winner).

I wish he would talk to me. I fucking hate that I have no way to contact him & now she knows, I can’t send a text, she’s probably got his phone. I have no idea what is happening & it kills me, if he leaving her, is she kicking him out? Are they working it out? He’s so fucking lucky that I respect him enough not to cause drama, I mean I know where they live, his phone number & where they both work. I could cause so much shit trying to get in contact with him… I want to talk to him. I want to know what is going on. I keep looking out the window every time I hear a car drive past, thinking he’s going to be on my doorstep any minute. I hope for that. I want that. FUCK, I want that so bad.

But his silence today is speaking louder than his words. He’s staying with her. She’s forgiven him for what he did, probably because of the lies & I’m sure she’s believing them, because she wants to save her family too. I don’t blame her for that, hell, I don’t blame him for that either… I think anyone who is told that list of things whether you’re male or female, you know it’s just a line, like ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ or ‘I’m not ready for a serious relationship’ all those bullshit lines people use… These lies are the same, but it works.

For the first time in 14 months, I don’t hear from Noodle on the Sunday, the first day we haven’t spoken… I cry at my family dinner when my brother asks me how I am, just as general question & I can’t look at the family, they have no idea what is going on. They don’t get what is happening, but they are supportive. My mum even stays after everyone has left to find out what is happening. I spill the beans to her. This is something I never shared but my dad cheated on my mum & my mum chose to stay with my dad. I was in my early 20’s so it wasn’t for the kids. But when I say things I know it stings my mum, however she is a wonderful support for me.

I am numb.

I am speechless.

My tummy churns.

I am going insane.

I resist the urge to text him not wanting to make it worse. He loves me, he says he loves her – but like a sister. He told me that he gets angry with his family when he can’t log on the app & talk to me. He get jealous when other men talk to me. He will see the light. He will choose me… Fucking hell this is torture. As if he’s going to choose me! We’ve barely had any time together, we were just getting to a point of being more open & we were actually spending more time talking – it was never just sex with him. We were friends for months first. It wasn’t supposed to be love, but we have undeniable chemistry. Even Sweetie saw it in person, others saw it online.

My family have no idea what is wrong with me, I am like a disconnected shell of a person, I can’t tell them, I mean they don’t even know about Noodle. No one knows that I’ve even been seeing someone, my sister knows a bit but not the extent of our feelings.

I am not present.

I am a zombie.

I don’t sleep.

Am I even functioning?

I of course message him before I got to sleep Sunday night at 7:45 pm “I hate that you haven’t been online to talk to me. I get it but I hate it. I’m constantly thinking the worst case scenario for me & haven’t slept since I got your message on Friday night, in the hopes that you’d come over, even thought you’d be here last night (silly fantasy of getting to sleep next to you all night). I’ve been crying all day today including while my family was here tonight, because I am optimistic one minute then pessimistic the next. So I’ve taken some sleeping tablets cos I have to sleep tonight. But if you need me you have a key. I miss you xxx.” but he never logs onto the app – it’s the first day we haven’t had a conversation.

I sleep that night thanks to the sleeping tablets but not very well, I wake up looking at the chat app multiple times waiting for the greyed out d to turn into a dark d that he’s online & then an R that he’s read my message… But it never happens.

When Noodle finally messages me on Monday morning at 7:15 am, while I am getting ready for work, he tells me without telling me in so many words that he is staying with her, “Shit #IBD4U. It’s been a very tough weekend for me mentally & TBH I’ve avoided being online because I don’t want to say goodbye to you.” FUCK! He’s staying with her… I get angry & say “So you wait till now when I have to go to work?” What a fucking ass!!! He says that he felt like I deserved a message, I tell him that he’s making a giant mistake & he says “I know… I imagine a life so much better with you too… My kids tho…” He tells me what a burden he’d be with his kids & debt. Does he not realise, that he couldn’t be a burden, this is our time. This is our time to have an epic love story.

It’s almost surreal, I can’t fucking believe he waited till I was getting ready for work to tell me that he’s staying with her… He tells me that he packed up his stuff in the car on the weekend ready to come to my house but she got so drunk he couldn’t leave the kids with her. I tell him that my house is always safe for him & the kids, he could’ve come over with them. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so he just assumes I hate kids. Quite the contrary, I love kids, I am just not prepared to give up myself to give birth, I am selfish & I have never wanted to be a mum, but I do want kids in my life which is why I am so happy to have my Nieces & Nephews & now I could potentially have Noodles kids in my life. The prospect of that is exciting actually. I wish he messaged me on the weekend, I would’ve given him the reassurance that he could come to my house anytime, with the kids.

We fight about it for about an hour, until I just say bye. He writes “I’m so sorry #IBD4U. We obviously can’t continue the relationship side of things & that’s what we had… I don’t wanna say goodbye. Your amazing woman #IBD4U, you have been my best friend, so caring & an amazing lover. & it was only my children that lead me to my decision. I will always love you & there will always be a place in my heart for you. I’m sorry that it got this far.” OH fuck off… Is he kidding me? I tell him to shut up. He tells me that he doesn’t want it to end badly with me, but I can’t help how angry I am “The whole thing is fucked. I’ve had butterflies about you & how I’m going to tell you. I fucking hate how much I love you sometimes.” I tell him what an epic mistake he’s making & that he’ll regret it. “I know & for the first time this weekend I’m tearing up. Still not crying but yeah. You will always have a place in my heart #IBD4U. I’m sorry for hurting you. Didn’t want to ghost you tho. Not sure you want to leave the lines open for communication after all this.” I tell him he’s ending it with the wrong woman & that he’s going to regret his decision. He says “My wife has stupidly forgiven me for some reason. She’s even offered to have a 3sum with you Wtf?” Yeah no fucking way that will EVER happen! & so obvious why she wants to do that to compare me & show him how sexy she can be. “But yeah, you’re probably the better choice” Yeah we both know I am the better choice, but he has to live with this decision. I ask him what he told her “Nothing in detail. Didn’t tell her I loved you or had feelings for you. Think she still suspects it. Because she knew I was so close to leaving & knew I was going to you. I told her it was 3 months” OMG “So you’re still lying to her” That poor fucking woman… Forgiving him on lies… He tells me “I worked out if I kept the car, all the debt & the house we’d be even. Yeah didn’t want to be burden either. I’ve thought about it a lot this weekend. & how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” Fuck that hurts… he has made our epic love story so trivial. Desintingrated to 3 months. The love of my life just shattered to a 3 month affair… He that he wasn’t unhappy & that he loves her too “But TBH I love you more. I hate the idea of saying goodbye for good. I’m so sorry #IBD4U. Goodbye for now. I will always love you.” OMG… I am fucking broken… so I message back “I don’t want the last time we saw each other to be the last time… When you’re back at work please meet me for lunch. I’ll get my keys (assuming my undies are gone) & you can have your name badges & xmas presents back.”

Noodle never reads my last message – fucking asshole! He logs off & never logs back on, I hate that he’s got that control. I hate that I don’t try to contact him via his mobile number… Why don’t I just text the cunt & fuck up his life more?! ARGH… So when I get to work, I email him my phone number, I’m not really sure why, but I figure he’s going to get off the chat app. He leaves all the groups except one without saying goodbye to anyone & they all turn to me for answers. Fuck you Noodle for doing that!

The next 2 weeks are a blur, I am somehow functioning at work however I am not eating at all. I can’t eat. My stomach heaves at me when I think about food. Those who notice (Thank you) try to make me eat… I just can’t. I think of him with everything I do… I think about the fact they probably aren’t having sex, that she’s being a complete bitch to him… Even when I brush my teeth, my fucking electric toothbrush reminds me of him. I buy a regular toothbrush & hide the fucking electric one in the cupboard like a douche. There is his Listerine & Rexona in my cupboard, I can’t look at it – but I see it every time I open the fucking bathroom cupboard door. I tip it down the sink & give the Rexona to my brother saying “don’t wear this around me.” Everything reminds me of him, I look in my pantry – even though I haven’t eaten in days & see anything with the word protein on it & I think of him… FUCK!

I think about him daily, I wake up all through the night thinking about him – I do not sleep or eat well for weeks… Checking the chat app for messages from him. Staring at my phone willing him to message me… Tossing & turning all night… I am destroyed… I don’t need you to tell me I got what I deserved, I am 100% aware of what I did & what was going to happen…

I am constantly thinking about what has happened, what they’re going through, if she’s completely shutting him out. I wonder about how she found my panties, where were they? Were they in his gym bag? Why would he leave them in his gym bag? Why didn’t he hide them in his wheel arch in the car like he hid my Christmas present? Why didn’t he give them back to me, did he want to get caught? FUCKING HELL THIS IS TORTURE. I need some answers & at this rate, I feel like I am never going to get any at all… I hate this. I hate that I am barely functioning, I hate that I am falling apart. I’m trying to hold it together, but I never have a poker face. Everyone knows there is something wrong with me & again, I can’t really tell anyone what is going on because no one even knew I was seeing someone, let alone a married man.

#IBD4U

My euphoria is short lived. Noodle obviously has to go home to his real life & my fantasy life is over. I drive home in a sex haze bliss though, I am definitely in this for another year. I’m sure he’ll leave once the baby is a bit older. I can’t even believe I am telling myself this to be honest, as if he’s ever going to leave but I somehow convince myself to believe it – my friend believes it, I should too. I am going to make this work, I love this man, I want to make it work. I want this man more than I’ve ever wanted anything before & this happens to be the only way I can have him right now, so I am willing to compromise for a little bit longer. I now have the support of my friend so no matter what happens, I have support…

However Noodle is at it again, not coming back online at night, taking over 12 hours to reply to me, reading my messages but then not replying. I am gutted. I am shattered. Can I do this for another year? I mean when he goes back to work he’ll be able to message more & I won’t feel so neglected or foolish. But I just have to get through these next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. I just have to get through the next few weeks. Yes I know I am repeating myself, but I really just have to wait till he’s back at work!

But when he does come back online one night, we’re talking to each other in a tone, I’m upset, I feel like I have every right to be upset that he hasn’t been putting in the effort. Maybe I’m being crazy maybe I’m being too needy or have unrealistic expectations but I feel like that this guy can message me more than he is & that he doesn’t just “fall asleep” when we say good night tonight, all I write is GN. I am done with this.

The next morning he says “Morning if you care” OMG is he serious? “Morning if YOU care!” Really?! “I do care. Surprised you didn’t say GM to me” Yeah right Noodle. “What’s wrong with GN. At least I have the decency to tell you I’m going to sleep” Fuck I hate being in this mood. We constantly fight over the fact that he never chats to me at night anymore or says good night – he doesn’t even say heart emoji you anymore. I mean not this old chest nut again!? I can’t help it. I am staying awake till after midnight every night waiting for him to come back online & he never does. Then I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for him to come back online, then when he doesn’t, I feel like the idiot, then wake up grumpy from lack of sleep. Nothing changes for him though of course, he doesn’t even know that I am lying there awake waiting. Hoping he’ll tell me that he’s at the gym so I can come visit or even just to fucking talk to me about my day… I tell him again that I don’t want to be an obligation but I am sick of this shit… But when Noodle says “I’d kiss you right now if I could” I melt like a wanker & remember to tell him that it’s exactly a year since we met face to face, so about 14 months since we started chatting every day. I tell him that he missed getting me a present for our anniversary so he says “Happy Anniversary babe xxx” I literally start laughing – as if he thinks he’s not funny ”You’re an idiot” with a smiley face “Come on you smirked tho hehe” of course I did, he always makes me laugh “Happy anniversary of when we met too bacon bits xxx” I’m not sure why I’m calling him bacon bits being that’s his favourite thing, not mine. “Bacon bits? I’m left over bacon?” I literally start laughing “There’s no such thing as left over bacon. Bacon is too delicious to be left over. Bacon is your fav food right?” I’m pretty sure bacon is a favourite of his. “I love burgers & lasagne & ribs. Ribs would be my fav probably. Bacon is pretty damn good tho. Your my bacon” With a love heart emoji. I love when we are like this, it’s fucking cute as fuck. “Anyway, I’m off, have fun with your family xxx” OMG… “OMG you’re actually saying goodbye. Have a good day xxx” That was unexpected. Finally a proper goodbye, not just a log off & radio silence “Well think it might help if I do. I do still love you & all. But I’ll shhh now. Sometimes don’t get the op to say it.” Which I need to remember what he’s told me before that he doesn’t say goodbye sometimes so that he can chat to me as long as he can. However it will be better if he does try to make an effort & say goodbye to me. I hope that he does do this moving forward & considers my feelings more. I mean he doesn’t say goodbye so he can chat to me as long as he can, but what he doesn’t realise is that we’re in the middle on a conversation & he disappears… Leaving me feeling like a dickhead. But for him, he has messaged me literally till the last second he can. Things are still a little tense – I don’t know when there will be a time that we are back to normal, but we talk better than we have in a while & it feels good again, when he’s saying good bye & he adds “I hate saying bye to you xx” that I can’t even be angry when he says stuff like that to me, I love it. I’m glad he’s making an effort for me. I really appreciate it & it really shows me that he loves me, that he’s willing to adapt for me when I tell him how I’m feeling.

It’s been a week since we saw each other, since one of the hottest nights of my life with the body stocking, it’s Monday night again. I am in a mood as usual with Noodle that even though I am meeting him at the gym, I am in a funk. This funk is because I haven’t had sex in a week, I get grumpy as fuck when I don’t get sex weekly. (This is something he knows too, if we got a few days, I get too grumpy & he’ll say something about me needing to be fucked) But as I sit on his lap, kissing him, rubbing myself against him, he looks at his watch & says “Fuck” to which I think, what the fuck, he doesn’t push me off him but I realise something is up & sit back on the backseat… He says that she’s just asked him where he is, which he writes back the gym but then she asks for a picture of him, that his location is off & she wants a picture now. I ask him if he wants me to go home which he says no as he gets out of the car, seemingly flustered, so I sit there like a fucking idiot. He races inside & I assume he takes a picture, sending it to her. He gets back in the backseat & I ask why his location is off, he says because he was watching something from America & forgot to turn it back on. He says he smoothed it over with her & she believed him. I mean technically he is at the gym – so not a lie. I say that it’s lucky that his phone wasn’t just at the gym & he at my house like has happened sometimes. We have sex & I can’t stop thinking about the messages & the fact he had to go take a picture & to be honest, the fact that he would drop everything to take a picture & I don’t think that I will be able to cum. But of course, it’s sex with Noodle. I cum but I feel this weird feeling, a feeling I can’t shake as I drive off that night… Maybe it’s because it’s the first time I’ve experienced him first hand, being so whipped… He’s just a strong personality most of the time, especially in the groups that I almost feel like I don’t know who this man is, who ran inside to take a photo in the gym bathroom…

Later that week, I suggest he send a picture to my work iPhone to test the live picture thing. We work out that as long as the picture was taken live, it has that live symbol on it. So I suggest that Noodle take a bunch of picture at the gym so he has a range of pictures in his phone in case that happens again & he’s not actually at the gym.

On Friday night I am out with friends from the gym, I look cute again & wearing some sexy underwear thinking that I am already halfway to his gym being the location of the restaurant we’re at & I’m betting that he’ll message tonight to see me. I don’t know why I get my hopes up about seeing him, but I do… I never hear from him, what a fucking surprise…. But I wake up really early to a message from him at like 2:00 am, saying that his partner knows about us. FUUUUUCCCKKKK!! I write back instantly, sitting straight up in bed, I ask him what happened & say that he can come to my house anytime that he has a key. I don’t sleep well but I lay in bed waiting for Noodle to message again… Which isn’t till like 10:00 am… I read it instantly “Morning. Fuck #IBD4U. I don’t know what to do. I wanna leave my wife bad but I love my kids so much. My little girl means so much to me than I thought she would. And my son. FML. But I want you just as bad.” FUCK! He’s going to stay, I need to prepare for this!

We talk for a short time, I ask how she knows, he tells me that she found my panties (FUCK what a way to find out your partner is having an affair, by finding another woman’s panties somewhere! FUCK!!!) & she now knows about me, there was no way he could deny that he is having an affair with that type of evidence. FUCK! I want more information but this isn’t the right time to ask him this stuff, I’m sure we’ll talk more but right now for him it’s too raw. He tells me that she’s threatened to take the kids interstate (which was already something she’s threatened when I was hypothetical) & he has no money to legally fight her… I send him screenshots from legal aid website to show that she can’t just take the kids to interstate, to where her parents are moving. I also try to explain how much I love him & how much I want to help him. He just keeps saying that he’s in so much debt & he doesn’t want to be a burden for me. That he loves me but he knows I don’t want kids so I don’t want his kids, which is not what I’ve ever said. I want this man, regardless of his debt, regardless of his kids… I want him, all of him, all of his baggage.

He logs off the app & I wait…

& wait…

& wait…

& wait…

#IBD4U

I tell Noodle about my friend. I tell him that I hadn’t told her anything & now I’ve told her everything, I tell him that it surprises me that my friend is on his side. “She said I should give you some space, time & that she wasn’t totally against me still seeing you even though I lied to her for months… She’s the reason why I messaged you last night.” He tells me that he would’ve seen me if he didn’t crash after forgetting to drink his afternoon caffeine drink, I tell him that I’m a fool & now can’t stop crying. But I made a promise to her to not push it with him so that’s what I am going to do. Try to just go with the flow, as if I can do that, but I am going to try! My friend actually said to give him space, not walk away just yet but protect myself a little. I tell Noodle that I know I am being needy, I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me little by little & it’s destroying me. “Don’t forget I’m not working & around my wife & kids 24/7. Just a bad time atm. I dedicate as much time as I can as always with you. Even if it’s not much. I do love you & have feelings for you. You mean more to me than I let on or that I can show you. It’s why I’m sticking around & hurts me every time you think of ending it with me. I wish I could chat to you more. See you more.” Oh god, I tear up again “Ok stop being sweet now, because I’m getting teary! You haven’t really said much about your feelings for me lately.” It’s true, maybe that’s what it is? He’s not been telling me he loves me, even if it is with the heart emoji, at night because he hasn’t been coming back online. “Well didn’t wanna upset you too much… Do you want me to talk about it more?” Do I? Will it make it worse? Is it better that I think that he doesn’t have feelings for me? Will that make it easier to walk away? However, I’m now committed to this for a whole year. “So you stop telling me you have feelings for me & also stop talking to me, keep falling asleep & then surprised when I question why I’m still with you?! I will never understand men! How is not talking about your feelings helping me? I don’t want to be an obligation & I don’t want to force you to talk about your feelings but yeah you stop talking to me, stop saying anything to make me feel like you do love me, hardly see me but you could easily solve so many issues…!” He says he hasn’t stopped & I say that he hasn’t even sent me the usual xxx with a goodnight message. “Hey #IBD4U. xxx” I actually laugh. “You’re an idiot!” But he did make me laugh. “Urgh you’re the idiot. I want to cuddle you right now. You seem a bit crazy & need a hug. I like your hugs, they feel good.” FUCK, I want him to cuddle me too… & I hate cuddles. But I love Noodle cuddles… “Just for the record. I just hate feeling like a fool.” Which is pretty much everyday. “Your not a fool. I do love you & miss you terribly when I’m not chatting to you. Even get a little edgy at home sometimes. You have no idea” Yeah I don’t know, I mean he’s told me he gets angry at home when he can’t talk to me, but I don’t believe that really, I mean how could he even explain why he’s angry when his parter asks whats wrong with him? He starts calling me babe & baby which I say doesn’t suit him so I say “Maybe say that I’m the maple syrup to your bacon” knowing that he loves that “Oh you are the maple syrup to my bacon! Your that little sweetness that makes something amazing even better. You even have a nice sweet little tasty pussy I love to suck” Oh good god, how do we always end up talking about sex! I somehow forget that I am angry with him & tell him that he missed out on fucking me in a dress with knee high boots (an outfit I did pick because I was hoping to see him) “OMG, the would have been so hot too. OMG You always look hot in a dress.”

I also don’t even remember this guy, but apparently (from my messages with Noodle) I went on a date with a guy who tried to kiss me but because he didn’t compare, I didn’t kiss him. First I feel sorry for this guy that I don’t remember him at all, so he doesn’t get a blog post, but also the fact that I am in love with someone else & dating. What the fuck am I doing? I did tell Noodle I was going to date other people, just no one from the chat app. But when telling my friend about it that night she told me not to date other men, it’s not fair on the other men & also she said I need to just focus on Noodle. WOW. Another surprise from her. I tell Noodle about the date & that I am not going to date anyone else moving forward. He says he doesn’t hold it against me dating someone else, it’s just that he doesn’t want me to fuck anyone from the chat app. Which I agreed too, I wouldn’t, it’s too close to home, so to speak. He tells me that there are better men out there than him, which is his standard answer, almost like a test for me to leave him I think, or self-preservation, I don’t know but he acts like he’s so hot sometimes, then I also get the vulnerable side of him where he is so insecure about how he looks. “My friend did ask me why I love you” I know he’s going to ask me what I said “Your answer?” I know exactly why I love him “I said cos your funny, a massive douche, sexy, I love how dedicated to your work & family you are, I love how sweet you can be & how much you support my life decisions to study etc. & how your eyes pop out of your head when you see me in something sexy” He says that he’s not funny & only sexy sometimes. But he’s funnier than he thinks & I think he’s sexy all the time. He asks why I like his douchy side too “It’s hard to explain, like even just a bit douchy to wear white sneakers with a suit to a wedding but I fucking loved it… Just like that you say what everyone is thinking sometimes… I do it too, not quite like you do though.” He asks me to feed his ego & asks how he compares “I like how smart you are & how we help each other with the gym & nutrition etc” But then I realise he means about the guy I went on a date with but he says “OMG, did You Heur call me smart?” I literally laugh out loud at the spelling errors & say I’m not sure why I called him smart. He says “Only I could fuck that sentence at that moment” he asks me to compare him to the coffee date guy (who I still cannot place at all!) “You are hotter, darker hair, more manly, taller, actually had chemistry with you, we don’t stop talking… Hard to talk to him, didn’t feel a spark but also was thinking about you the whole fucking time… He was a bit fatter too & a bit of a wranger”

Side Note: I tell Noodle that the coffee guy came in a suit & I was in gym gear!? I mean who is this poor man! I feel so sorry for him… FUCK… I tell Noodle how awkward it was because he was in a suit but I was in gym gear. So it was awkward just from that.

Noodle asks me “So you didn’t sext him later that night dying to fuck him” I know where this is going “Definitely not, I’ve never done that” Noodle swears that I messaged him dying to suck his cock after our first meeting. I will always deny this! He has no proof.

A few days later, Noodle is still not chatting to me in the way I would like, but he’s asked to see me at the gym, I have bought a fishnet body stocking that has a hole right where you need it as a lady! Hahaha. I put on daggy tracksuit to go meet him, not letting him in on the secret about what I’m wearing underneath my oversized track suit. We have to park somewhere else tonight as there are people in the car park, how annoying. But it doesn’t stop us. I sit on his lap in the backseat & he runs his hands up my back feeling the fishnet stocking on my back & basically rips my jumper off over my head as he’s asking what I’m wearing, it all happens so suddenly, that I am now basically on my back on the backseat with my pants also being ripped down, while Noodle ogles what I am wearing for him. That Look. That noise! Fuck, I am melting like butter for him. I am so submissive for him. All for that look, all for that feeling he gives me when he looks at me like that. I can’t ever imagine that he’s looked at anyone else the same way he’s looking at me now. I literally would do anything for that look, I am 100% his, I am at his mercy. His wish is my command. I never thought I would ever feel like that about a man, ever. He literally can do whatever he wants to me & I will enjoy it & want more. I want it always, this is really what love is.

Noodle pushes me back on the car seat & chokes me while fingering me to make me cum, but just as I am about too, he stops. Fuck, his favourite little game. He looks at me, in my eyes, kisses me, then sits back up & slaps my face. OH FUCK YES. He rips the fishnet bodysuit & uses the thickness of some extra straps to choke me as he fucks me so hard, I feel like I will explode, but he stops every time I am close to cumming.

When I am allowed to finally cum, I have to beg him to let me, he’s pinning my hands above my head, he’s choking me, he’s fucking me so hard, never taking his eyes away from mine. I can’t close them either, I know that I want to look at him in this moment, that I cum. He’s not done of course so his cock is between my tits & he’s cumming on them & my neck, loving that I also beg him to cum there. It turns him on so much. OMG it turns me on so much too.

I can’t even move for like 5 minutes after we’re done. I’ve cum so hard & so many times that I am deemed useless right now. Noodle is rubbing my tits & his cum when I sit up & look at him. Fuck I love this man. He is sexy & everything I want sexually. I can’t believe that I have found a man I can connect with like this & that is love with me! Fuck, how did I get so lucky?!

#IBD4U

I can’t let this go. Noodle has some reason why he didn’t tell me about the kids names & I struggle to believe that I am a priority for him. He finally sends me the first picture of his baby girl & I can see why he’s in love, but can’t see why he’s not willing to be open with me about it. I start to doubt our friendship, about how he feels for me, I feel like I’m not good enough or not really his friend at all, I feel really low right now. So insignificant to him… “Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Don’t ever & I mean ever think your not good enough. Your so kind, loving & caring. The sexiest woman I have ever fucked. I know you’ve struggled in the past, but your good enough for any guy. Don’t think less.” I feel a little self-conscious now “Anyway… just saying you should talk about the boring things too if you really want me to believe you.” I want him to talk to me about more than sex, food & the chat app people. “I’ll take that into consideration. I do regard you as my best friend. Don’t want to be all boring.” He then sends me a picture of his son holding his daughters hand while she sleeps, his son is looking lovingly at her & Noodle captions is “My son fucking loves her.” He really does, he looks super adorable & it makes me yearn, not for a baby of my own, but for these kids & Noodle to be in my life full time. He finally opens up telling me “I’m legit a boring person. My only hobby is video games which I don’t really do much anymore haha. & I have one other interest that is embarrassing & I’ve never told you” What could it be? I mean nothing is more embarrassing that telling him the other day that I like watching the Batchelor. Nothing can be worse than that! Now if it was actually embarrassing, I probably wouldn’t share this part of the story with you, but I don’t think it’s that embarrassing. “Ummm, I watch professional wrestling. Don’t laugh at me” I tell him that it’s not embarrassing or that unusual for a guy. He tells me that he needs to work on opening up. I mean it’s been over a year, we’ve chatted every single day & seen each other weekly & I don’t really know this guy. Do I? I tell him that his boring stuff is what he claims to be the reason he wont leave his partner, yet he won’t talk to me about it. He realises that he needs to open up more.

I haven’t seen him all the week, I get it the baby is only one week old, he can’t really sneak out & go to the gym, also his partner isn’t breast feeding so he’s been helping out with feeds. He’s been barely chatting (my version of barely chatting is only chatting to me for a few hours a day! Hahaha) & going to sleep early so not even coming back online at night, while I wait around like a tosser.

I finally see Noodle for the first time since we fucked in his bed, we meet late at night at his gym in the car for an hour. I missed him so much, he’s not been chatting as much but fuck I miss him. This whole next week Noodle does the same thing, he chats in the morning then never comes back online. The reason why this pisses me off so much is because I am waiting around for him to come back online & when he doesn’t I toss & turn all night wondering what he’s doing, if he’s ok, if she knows about me. I mean I go insane! We did agree not to talk or we each other as much, I didn’t see it at the time but that’s what we agreed, now looking back I realise he was just following through. I know I’m defending him, but he is also scared I’m just going to delete him. He’s pulling away, so it doesn’t hurt so much when I do.

On the following Thursday morning he says “Morning Banana pancakes” but I am in no mood to be cute, so I just say morning as I get ready for the gym, I actually put my phone down & don’t look at it willing a message from him, like I usually do. “How have you been? I’ve missed chatting to you” I don’t read it & 20 minutes later I get another message from him “You up to much this morning?” I take another 15 mins to reply as I’m driving to the gym “Just about to go to bootcamp” I know I am being shit, but I am sick of always being available for him. “You like your morning gym, don’t you?” I tell him that I just prefer the harder classes & I say “Have a good day.” I put my phone in my bag & work out for an hour. I figure he won’t come back online for the rest of the day like he’s been doing lately, chats to me for a short time in the morning then disappears. I’m sick of changing my whole life for him so I just decide to work out & forget him. I get several message from him “That’s it? You don’t wanna chat anymore? Have a good day? Damn you can be stone cold sometimes.” & 10 minutes before I finish at the gym another message “Was gonna ask you if you wanted to meet today after my hair.” I reply “I’m not stone cold, I said have a good day cos I was going to the gym & you’d be offline & won’t talk to me till tomorrow” He is offline & doesn’t read it. But I rush home & shower, getting ready assuming since he’s invited me out that he’ll log back on & message me soon, so I’ll want to be ready. But my first instinct was right, he isn’t going to talk to me until tomorrow. 3 hours later, I still have nothing from him, so I write to him again “See… I got your message, raced home, had a shower, washed my hair, got ready in record time, waiting for you to write that you were done & to meet… Now I sit like a fucking fool, 3 hours later, also crying like a fucktard because you didn’t even bother to tell me your plans so now I miss out on seeing you again… & now you won’t chat to me either.” I am such a fucking idiot! I spend the rest of the day in turmoil. The thing that fucks me off is that he can log off & not think about me for the rest of the day. I walk around not wanting to put my phone down in case he messages to say that he’s free. I have so much study to do & all I’m doing is thinking a out Noodle. Now I’ve missed an opportunity to see him because I was being a bitch because he’s been busy. Fucking hell I’m an actual adolescent! I do consider texting him, but I just have to trust that he really is busy.

To my surprise at 11:15 pm, he comes back online. I want to ignore him, I want to roll over & fall asleep, but I know I can’t. I won’t sleep if I don’t sort this out & maybe he’ll be at the gym, I can go meet him?! Fuck. “You didn’t really, did you? You didn’t seem very interested in me this morning” Why would I say I did it, if I didn’t? “Yes I did. Because you’ve been making me feel like shit… Didn’t walk around with my phone in my hand like I usually do when getting ready.” I know I am being a nutso here, but I can’t help it. The man I love is pulling away from me & barely chatting to me. “Sorry didn’t mean to make you upset” I know he hasn’t meant too, but he is. I know this is hard for him but I can’t help it. “You’ve upset me this whole week. Have a go at me for ignoring you… What do you think you’ve been doing to me?!” I can’t believe that I am being like this with a man who has a brand new baby only 6 days ago. What is wrong with me? “I haven’t ignored you…. Chatted to you when I can.” I don’t believe that “I still call bullshit on that Noodle. Since 10am you’ve not been alone for one second to speak to me?! You’ve done it all week” This is nuts, no wonder he hasn’t talked to me all week… “She hasn’t napped this week…“ Oh whatever “You message me when she’s not asleep” He used to find time, but now he doesn’t. “When I can… Hasn’t been many opportunities this week. Don’t let me make you feel like shit. Just very hard for me at the moment. Sorry.” I know this is the problem with dating a fucking married man. “You can honestly say that, swear to god, that you haven’t had a single second to chat to me this week. You’ve been next to her from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to sleep?! She goes on kindy runs with you? Cooks dinner with you? So tell me what is actually going on Noodle, cos I don’t believe it.” He used to even cheekily message me when he was in the shower or toilet, now all of a sudden he’s so busy & unable to send me a message? Is he trying to pull away? He says that he was going to ask me to go to the barber with him, but I didn’t seem interested in him but he says that he messages me whenever he can “Well if you’re interested which I doubt you are I’m at the gym now. I was trying to communicate to you this morning but wasn’t getting much back. Before you went to the gym” Yeah that’s the thing that pisses me off, so he doesn’t get much back from me so he logs off & disappears. I hate that I am getting dressed before I even tell him that I am coming to see him but I deserve a hug, I s deserve sex, he doesn’t but I do. “I know you think I’m crazy” I am feeling crazy, I hate it. “You are going a lil crazy. Just dynamics have changed a lil bit at home.” I know I hate that, but I can’t help it. I tell him that I tell him a few things about my timeline etc & he changes the way he talks to me, he tells me that it’s the baby not what I said. I meet him at the gym & we connect in the way we know how. Really… Is this love? On my way home, I get a message from Noodle “I miss you too you know” with a winky face emoji. Awww fuck!

On Saturday night, I am out with my friend, the friend I haven’t been able to talk to about Noodle with because her partner cheated on her – every time I’ve raised a married man with her she snaps & I can’t be honest with her. She knows something is up & she probes me to tell her what is wrong. I spill the beans, I explain the whole year of chatting to him & seeing him, falling in love with him, how I want him to leave his partner, but I can’t bare to ask him to leave her – he needs to do that despite what might happen with me. To my surprise, my friend is supportive of me, I think because she saw me start to tear up for the first time since I’ve known her in about 10 years. She tells me that they’ve just had a baby & I shouldn’t push him to leave her. I tell her about my timeline of another 4 months but she says that I should wait at least till the baby is a year old. This surprises me so much, another year of this? Can I handle that? I guess like he said once he’s back at work, he’ll be able to message & see me on Tuesday nights again. She tells me to message him because I look really cute & ask him if he wants to see me. I tell her that I don’t want too because I know he won’t see me, everything is on his terms. However she gets me excited & watches me message him “Are you going to the gym tonight? I’m just on my way home & look super cute… Thought you might wanna see me?” & she sends me home. After midnight I am still waiting for him to even come back online that I get into my pj’s & sulk in bed. Not sleeping a wink.

At 8:35 am, the next day, he finally comes back online, I mean this is from a guy who wakes up at 5:00 am & has a new baby. Like really?! “Nope fell asleep! Aren’t you always looking cute. Morning!” I can’t even muster up a happy response so I just say morning. “Wow. You never ask to see me lately, must’ve looked cute” I can’t help myself “Don’t worry, I won’t ask again.” I’m a fuckwit for even trying. “OMG #IBD4U. You can ask. I shouldn’t have to always ask. I think it’s super cute you were looking good & wanted to see me tho!” Yeah right… “Yeah & then felt like a complete fuckwit for suggesting it.” I snap saying that we only ever fuck on his schedule, he tells me I can say no, which of course I know I can but then my vagina misses out. I can’t deny her. He says just cos he can’t give me the attention I crave doesn’t mean he’s being a dick to me, I tell him “I don’t crave that much attention Noodle. It’s not unreasonable to want a message more regularly than 14 hours from the person I love & supposedly loves me & who apparently thinks about me all the time.” Fucking hell I am nuts. “I message you as much as I can, I wish it was more, really I do!” OMG. Can I really do this for another year? I know it’s different cos he’s off work right now, but can I be the other woman for a whole year more?!

#IBD4U

I must be stupid because not only am I working full time in a very difficult, time consuming job that requires me to travel, I am also studying law part time but I also sign up to upgrade a certificate 4 that I have that has been superseded. I am now basically studying full time as well as trying to fit in the gym, my friends, my family & Noodle. I decide that to get the course done for my certificate that I need some time off. I also hope that I will see Noodle, but I don’t see him for another week since we had lunch together – the day I was crying like an idiot, trying to end it. Our conversations have been horrible, but it’s stuff I think we need to say. I know you all think I don’t think about her feelings, but I think about her more than you know. More than I tell you… One of my biggest fears when I do get in a proper relationship is that I will be cheated on & refuse to believe it. I do think of her, trust me. & I fucking hate how far this has come with him…

Noodle did say we wouldn’t fuck as much or speak as much, so maybe Noodle he’s just following through on that by not coming back online at night, saying he fell asleep or not being online at all during the day. When he used to sneak a message into me when he was in the toilet or when he was picking his son up. Now I just have radio silence for hours. Is he trying to pull away after our conversations? Is he trying to piss me off so that I end it? Lucky I’m not a crazy lunatic that would go to his house & tell his partner everything. As much as I wish I was that nuts, I am never going to do that & he trusts me to not do that, just as I trust he’ll never let her know who I am if she was to find out about this affair.

He says that his partner is going to be induced this Friday & she’ll be in hospital overnight on Saturday with the baby, he won’t have his son so he wants me to come over, he wants to fuck me at his house again. I ask why he isn’t staying at the hospital but he says they don’t have beds for partners in the public hospital & he’s arranged for his son to be at one of their parents houses. This is not a good idea but I can’t resist. I can’t fucking resist… I am a horrible person, don’t think I am proud of even thinking about this.

I spend all day Saturday putting in stupid cheap ass hair extensions, doing my makeup & I’m putting on the nurses outfit that he gave me for Christmas, the super high red heels that I bought, big hoop earrings (that I consider leaving one behind for her to find… However I’m not like that either. I wish I was sometimes! That would end all this bullshit once & for all.) & I’m going to meet him at his front door with a stethoscope & ask him if he called a nurse. But when he messages me to say his partner has been sent home, he apologises profusely. I’m surprised he didn’t just log off & ignore me like he usually would, or like Dom would do, he does try to message me & when she goes to bed, he spends a lot of time telling me how much he wanted to see me tonight. I send him a picture of how good I look & he sends me a picture of his hard cock. But I’m deflated & so I take out the hair extensions & wiping off the make up like Bridget Jones when she ‘goes home to de-bunny’ when she peels off the eyelashes. I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m such a fool.

Sunday he messages to tell me that they have had a healthy baby girl, but doesn’t tell me her name. I ask if everything went well & if his partner is ok, which she is – I don’t wish her ill, I just wish she’d break up with Noodle (since he won’t leave her) so I can have him. Hahaha. I don’t ask what the baby’s name is because I figure if he wanted me to know he’d offer that info. It’s weird he doesn’t tell me when he told me the baby was born, this guy is my best friend right? Why wouldn’t he tell me the name of his child? I mean it took months for him to tell me his son’s name, but this is now a year later, I’m sure we’re close enough that he can tell me her name? Plus he says they’re the reason he won’t leave, but he doesn’t ever really talk about them!

He says that he has his son tonight but he wants me to come over anyway when he’s asleep. Of course I’ve been at his house when his son was there before but I still feel a little weird about it, so I abandon the nurse idea, not only because his son is there but I feel foolish for making a big deal about it yesterday that I can’t make a big deal today. So I just opt for jeans & a singlet – Noodles most hated outfit for me. I don’t do that on purpose & not that he notices but that’s all I could feel comfortable in today.

Noodle kisses me instantly as I walk in the door, undressing me in the doorway before leading me into his bedroom, their bedroom. I’ve never been in there before obviously, last time I was here, we stayed in the lounge room & just had sex on their couch – they haven’t got the new one yet or I’d suggest we christen it. I don’t get much time to survey the room before I am on the bed which is just covered in a sheet, no quilt or pillows before Noodle pushed me on the bed, telling me that the sheets are clean (well I fucking hope so.) We have sex, but Noodle spends a lot of time just lying on top of me kissing me. I fucking love this. Fuck it’s been so long since we were in a bed, it feels so good to have him just lying on top of me, kissing me so sensually. It’s the longest time we’ve had together in ages, there’s no rush, we won’t get interrupted, I don’t think about where I am, our hands are everywhere, it feels like this is how it should be all the time. Slow & sensual, not rushed fucking in the backseat, we usually get with each other. Noodle doesn’t take off my panties, using them to pull up against my clit to get me off, he loves doing that, pushing them aside to fuck me, I’m not sure if guys do this because they also like the feel or like the look or are just keen to stick their dick in. But it always makes me feel sexy when he fucks me without taking my panties off.

Laying there with Noodle afterwards, there is no rush, he gets up to get us a drink & I finally look around while he’s gone. They have a lot of stuffed toys stacked in the corner – that seem to go halfway up the wall. I didn’t picture her as a little, but I guess maybe she is?! Their room is quite full of crap, just like the rest of their house, there is a ironing board right in front of 2 doors that go off their bedroom, assuming one is the walk in robe & one is the bathroom. I lay there thinking I am the worst type of human right now when he walks back in & gives me a drink of water, looking at me with a look that can only be described as love. I give you permission to vomit. Hahaha.

He lays on top of me again, kissing me, I love feeling his weight on me, his manly sexy body taking over mine. He slips his hand under my panties & makes me cum so easily, like I can’t even understand how he can do it quicker than I can do it to myself. He sits up & slips my panties off me but rubs them against me, I am not sure what he has planned but he is fingering me, I feel something else, what does he have? He’s using my panties almost covering his fingers sliding inside me. Fucking hell that is hot. He gets me off again, using my lacy panties inside me. He tells me after that he’s never done that before but just felt like it would be hot. & fuck it was, I haven’t had anyone do that to me before either. I love when he thinks of things like that that surprise me, he thinks I’m so super experienced in kink but really, I am just as new to it as he is. I sometimes think that we’ve done everything, that we’ll get boring but then we do something & I’m reminded that we have so much more to explore.

He lays down next to me & we cuddle. Fuck I have missed cuddling this guy – in a bed. His hands run all over my skin when he moves his hand to my neck… He squeezes it gently & it kind of makes me make this weird noise that makes him do it again, I start squirming against him as he does it over & over, taking his hand away but then bringing it back to squeeze my neck. We’ve talked about choking & how I want to try it but am a little scared, but as he starts to do it, I am moaning & without actually begging him with words, my body is begging him for me, which spurs him on. I trust him & I know he will go slow & react as my body reacts. He sits up again, holding me down my throat as he slips his other fingers inside me, making me squirt like he hasn’t done before with his fingers. I am spray squirting & cumming so much that I am concerned about how wet his bed is getting. I am feeling like I should be more quiet than I am considering where I am. We lay there again after I’ve cum, this time I’m lying on my back, Noodle is next to me, I am enjoying this long slow session with him, it’s hot & sexy, even though I can’t really believe where I am right now. I decide that I am going to suck his cock, something I do pretty much every time we fuck anyway, but this time I can use both hands & lay comfortably. At one point, I remember vividly, him saying “OMG what are you doing #IBD4U” & I almost stop because he never says my name to my face & I am not sure if it was because he isn’t enjoying it but he cums pretty quickly in my mouth that I realise I have just given him the best blow job he’s ever had. Which is what he says when he opens his eyes again. Hahaha.

We lay there hugging & talking, he says that he wants to ask me to stay the night. OMG, I want to so badly. I would love nothing more than to spend the night in his arms, set an alarm for early in the morning, have sex again & sneak out. There is nothing I want more, he knows this is my ultimate fantasy, it’s the thing I want more than anything out of every sexual fantasy that I have, the only one I want is to sleep next to Noodle all night. I tell him that we shouldn’t & he says a disappointed ‘yeah’, but he knows that I am right to say no. Even though I am dying for this fantasy. Absolutely dying. I am dreading getting up & walking away from him right now knowing he wants me to stay. But I do, I get up & get dressed, hating myself for not taking up on his offer, however I know this is the right decision. Sleeping over is really crossing a line…

The next day Noodle & I don’t talk a lot obviously as he’s down at the hospital early & picking up his partner & baby (that I still don’t know her name). It’s starts to make me think of how Boyfriend said to me when he was leaving me that I didn’t know him at all. I always thought that Noodle & I were best friends, I feel like I know everything about him but he is keeping this detail from me. I don’t know why it is bothering me but it is. Am I being pathetic?

I decide to just ask him, for fuck sake, if he won’t tell me maybe it’s because he thinks I am not interested. He knows I don’t want kids of my own so maybe he thinks I don’t care about his kids. Which isn’t true, I mean I have always asked about his son, probed him for months to find out his name & ask questions about him. I always think about his son playing with my nephews, who are all the same age. Now he has a daughter about a year younger than my nieces. I can imagine them all playing together when they come over my house. This is a little ridiculous but I think that his little family will be in mine someday. A hybrid family with his kids.

I ask him what his daughters name is & when he tells me, I ask why he didn’t tell me. He says that he was dying to tell me but didn’t want to seem like a loser. I can’t even believe that he would think I could ever think he was a loser at this point. He says that it’s like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he’s told me her name. I actually want to hug him so badly right now. I do struggle though to believe that the kids are his number one reason for not wanting to leave her when he doesn’t even fucking tell me their names! I also struggle to believe that I am his best friend when he doesn’t even want to tell me their names or send me a picture. It’s not like I’m a weirdo predator, I want to see him with them, I want to see what his life is like outside of me. It’s like he’s trying to keep me separate from his life. Maybe he’s smart to do that…

#IBD4U

The next morning Noodle messages me & says good morning & then sends me a bunch of messages about someone on the chat app chatting to me even though I am not online. He says “Hmmm clearly he’s in your good books. Has a better body than me too. Should fuck him, he’s local too.” I wake up to that, like really. I’m fuming… What a fucking wanker. “Yeah, well I might. ” I know this will piss him off he replies “See told ya, I’d support you. Good for you. You got much planned for today? Cos I could probably see you for lunch if you wanna catch up” You know I want to say no, you know I am desperate to just get rid of this guy but like the drug I’m addicted too, I can’t. He’s at the barber that takes forever to cut his hair, so he’s got some time. But I say that he knows I do want to see him & he replies “Never know might have better options” which pisses me off even more. Why is he pushing me away, I know I need to walk away but I don’t want to, this is so fucked. I say “Stop fucking being a douche” but he says that he’s trying to help me but in honesty he’s just making it worse. “How would you feel if I said to you ‘I don’t want a future with you go fuck someone else?!” he says that’s exactly what I said to him yesterday, which is bullshit. I didn’t say that at all, I think my desperation for a future with him is what has got me in the this mood & the fact that he’s telling me that he’ll support me no matter what I decide & now he’s telling me to fuck other people. Is it a test? I have to dig deep with him to get him to tell me what I said that could possibly be interpreted as I don’t want a future with him. He says “You said you have a timeline to end everything & never talk to me again. Essentially delete me from your life.” Does he not realise that the timeline & no contact is to protect myself. “Yeah because I can’t have future with you… I can’t be friends with you if I can’t have more with you. & the timeframe is only cos I can’t walk away. I’m trying to be reasonable here… I get there’s a baby on the way. But if you still feel the same way in a few months, then I have to move on. Not because I don’t want a future with you but because you don’t want that with me.” Maybe one day he’ll get it? “Do what you need to do, I’m not gonna feed you lies or string you along either. I would love a future with you but yeah things are too complicated in my life for that. But anyway. Moving along now. Both of us have fucked each other over catching feelings & yeah not gonna end well now by the looks of things. Oh well I’ll live. & you’ll have 1000000 guys ready for ya so you’ll live too.” I start crying. I could totally punch him in the face right now. I have to put my phone down “Can we talk at lunch?” I am going to end it at lunch. I have too. I know I said I had timeframe, It’s the end of March, I was planning to wait until the baby was a few months old & closer to my birthday in August, but I am now balling my eyes out. This is so unlike me to be honest. I never cry & I definitely never cry over a man, a man I never had to begin with. I think that Noodle deserves to have a face to face break up with me, as much as it will be hard, I would want the same. Not that I am probably going to get that, I will try to give that to Noodle. “I’m scared you’ll delete me” I get that he doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, being I am like his only one. But I also can’t be his friend, as much as I want him in my life, there is no way I can just his friend after what we’ve been through. He’d never be able to see me for lunch or a drink. We’d still have to sneak around & I just know, the junkie that I am would want one more hit of the good stuff. I’d get pulled back in. “At least you can say that you made the great & powerful #IBD4U cry!” with an laughing emoji. He apologises & asks me to pick him up. I put my makeup on carefully, trying not to cry, but I have to keep telling myself that, If I’m crying over stuff we’re saying to each other then it’s time to end it.

I pick him up from the shops near my house, where he is supposed to be, he leaves his phone there & we go to our Mexican place for lunch, where we’ve had lunch before. Sitting there opposite him, having cried all morning, I struggle to get the words out that this has to be over, I know he can feel it too. I’m sure he knows this is the end for us. I mean he asked to meet me for lunch, he didn’t ask to come to my house to fuck me. We both know that this is the end. We eat in almost silence. Just looking at each other, can he see the pain in my eyes? I can see something in his, I mean he never cries obviously being a macho man but I have to look away.

I’m trying not to look in his eyes, but we can’t stop making eye contact with each other, we finish eating & before I know it I’m asking “How much do you want to fuck me right now?” Where the fuck did that come from? You’re supposed to be ending it, not fucking him, he says he wants to fuck me a lot & next minute we’re driving in my car back to my house with his hand on my leg. He fucks me over the kitchen bench hard & fast. Well that went well… Well done!

OK, that has to be it! One last multiple orgasm with him! FUCK. I’m so stupid! Why did I fuck him. I drop him back at his car & somehow I get the words out to ask him if he wants me to come with him to do his errands. He says no, he’s running now & I think because he is supposed to be out buying his partner a birthday present. It’s her 30th tomorrow, so assuming he doesn’t really want his mistress there for that, even though I did give him some ideas of what to get her.

“How cute you wanted to hang with me longer” he messages as I pull into my driveway again, I mean really, he still doesn’t realise that I want to hang with him, for more than just sex! “Well I figure that was the last time we’ll hang out. Thought you might want some company with your errands” I just want to spend time with him. “Would have been nice if we hadn’t had lunch or fucked. Which I preferred to do. I didn’t mean to blow you off sorry. Didn’t think you were gonna ask to hang with me for the rest of the day.” I feel like an idiot for even asking now, so I wish I didn’t. ”Don’t worry. We should just keep it to sex & sexting” I don’t even know why I say that, that’s not what I want. ”I would of been happy just having lunch & talking to you… Didn’t have to have sex. My fav part of tues night is chatting to you.” Oh fuck, that’s been my favourite part too… I tell him that I was planning on ending it today at lunch but I chickened out. ”TBH thought you were gonna do that last night. It’s why I jumped in the front seat. Had a bad gut feeling. As if you were gonna end it today with me. Then changed your mind & wanted to hang with me for the rest of the day. WTF. LOL. Wasn’t expecting today. Eh you might as well fuck me till something better comes along. Then make me jealous & end it that way” I don’t want to make him jealous at all, I go to great lengths to make sure he doesn’t get jealous! ”I assumed you had to go home again, so you jumped in the front seat… I thought we could spend one day together before it completely ends… But doesn’t matter. I don’t want to make you jealous so you end it. But I do need to start seeing other people.” What a joke, as if that’s even going to be possible! ”Do whatever you wanna do. Like I said just be easier just fuck other people & forget me. You can end it thru text. Be easier. Rather you just end it.” OMG, he wants it over? ”You want it to be over?” I do need him to fucking end, because I have done so well with that so far! ”Nope but you do so theres no point. If I want it over I’ll end it. It’s gonna end eventually. I’m struggling to contain my jealousy as it is (due to my personal confidence issues) so yeah. Might as well do it nicely.” We’re both fucking retarded. ”If I really wanted it over, I would have ended it. But not going to do it over text. I don’t want it to end AT ALL… I want you.” how can he think any different ”Not what I’ve been feeling” Is he insane? How can he be feeling that I want to end it. I mean I know I have said to him that I need to end it but there’s a big difference about wanting to & needing too. I ask him why he thinks that & he says it’s just a feeling he gets. ”That I don’t want you? I come see you at the gym at 10 or later, I pick you up from random places so I can see you… I stay awake all hours to try to get a minute to talk to you… But no, I don’t want you. I’m also crying cos I told you I had a timeframe because even though you have told me time & time again you won’t leave, I still stupidly hold this hope you will so I’m trying to give you more time… But you respond with do what you have to do” Like does he really not get it, is he that insecure? Or is that I am not giving him the reassurance that he needs? ”Ok, maybe you do. Argh, don’t wanna make you cry #IBD4U. Guys don’t make you cry grrr” Yeah he’s right, guys don’t but this does! This is killing me. ”I’m stupid for thinking he just needs more time. I’ll give it to him but if he still feels the same in a few months then I have to be smart. But when you respond with shit like that, I think he’s never going to change his mind, why am I hanging around & I should be fucking other people.” Even though it’s not what I want ”Your not stupid for thinking that. Wishful thinking isn’t stupid. Have you not seen my stupid cheesy smile around you lately” Yeah that stupid smile is the fucking reason I’m in the his mess! I love that smile & I love the man smiling at me! “I am. You’ve never given me any indication that we could have future so why do I think it’s just timing?! My other option, that I couldn’t say, was that I give you the time but I see other people (which lets face it, hasn’t gone well in the last year anyway!). Because I don’t want to lose your friendship… That’s what’s actually making me cry TBH.” I can’t imagine my life without chatting to him everyday to be honest. “Ok, how’s about you start seeing other people & yeah we be friends. & avoid having sex. If we can…” This is the dumbest idea since we started this supid affair. “OMG… How are we going to be just friends & not have sex? Just work out with me?” This is never going to work “Well stop doing it a few times a week?” I tell him that I don’t want that & don’t think we can do that & he says that he doesn’t want that either but just wants me to be happy. We agree that I will not fuck anyone from the chat app, he says he’ll be too jealous, I agree that I don’t want him fucking anyone off there so I get it… But I will try to see other people, which I know how this is going to go. I don’t want to fuck anyone else. “I actually don’t want to see other people but I’m so invested I keep going insane when you don’t message or can’t see me when I want.” I do get insane, I know I do. He gets jealous of me chatting to other people & I guess I get jealous when he doesn’t show me attention because he’s with his family. “I’m sure if you fuck some other people you’ll find something new to invest your time in. I’m a total loser, not even sure why you fell for me. Rather not lose you as a friend” Urgh I hate when he says stuff like that. “You have no idea how much I want to beg you to pick me. I don’t think you’re a loser. But I don’t want to lose you as a friend either.” Urgh are we really doing this? “I don’t want to hold you back. Live your life #IBD4U. I’ll survive no matter what you do. Go on dates, fuck other guys, meet people off the chat app.” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Alright, I’ve had enough of this convo… Cos now you’re being a douche.” WTF? We are just stupid “I don’t ever want to stop being friends with you. It’s why I’ve been so douchy. It fucked me off that you wanted to just delete me from your life. Like really fucked me off.” OMG, I didn’t realise that would upset him that much! “I don’t want to do that, that’s the only way I can get over this… I want you in my life but if I can’t have you the way that I want you, I don’t know if I can move on, if the carrot is always dangled in front of me…” His reply infuriates me “Plenty of other carrots to try” I tell him that I don’t want other carrots & he says that he has to go, what a fucking surprise. Before he goes “Just yeah wanna stay friends if we can. But fuckk I love fucking you too. & still work out.” Am I stupid to be considering being friends with him? Can I even be friends with him?

#IBD4U

The following Tuesday I see Noodle again at the gym, at 10:00 pm, we fuck in the backseat, steaming up the car & enjoying the hot sex that has escalated to more passion, if that’s even possible in the back seat of a car since we said I love you. We say it via text every night as we go to sleep & I am really still struggling to believe that I am not going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I tell him that I am not even sure that I believe that he loves me, I mean how can he? I’m a complete bitch all the time, I’m needy & pissed off. When I say to him one day that I heart him, he says “Oh dear god” with an emoji that I know is a joke but I say that it’s so hard for me to say that to him & he says it back but then adds that he “heart fucking you too” I laugh. I tell him that he’s probably said it everyone so it doesn’t mean anything for him, but it means something for me, being this is the first man I’ve ever said that too. He tells me that I am the third chick ever, which surprises me.

Thanks to my fact checkers the other day, I believe I have never told you this part to the story. I’m sure I hadn’t but wasn’t sure – didn’t want to bore you twice, however it’s kind of an important detail. I can’t really remember when this was in the timeline of the story, however it was long before the L word so probably only like 8-9 months into the affair when Noodle tells me that he has to be extra careful. I ask him why because nothing has happened, I mean I think at this time he still was able to fake his location too. He says that he was on his way home from work, his partner was home so he pulled over to message me a goodbye message as he won’t be back on till she goes to sleep. I literally smile my head off at the fact that he actually pulls over to say a proper goodbye to me & finish up our conversations. These cute things he does & doesn’t tell me, if only he told me this stuff… Anyway, I don’t think much of this, besides how adorable it is, when he tells me that when he got home she questioned why he pulled over & stopped. OH HOLY FUCK. I ask him what he said, he says that just told her he didn’t pull over & that the app must’ve frozen. Oh sweet baby cheeses! She apparently believed it too…. But as if she’s tracking him while he drives home from work!? I don’t understand how she can live like that – always suspicious & I also don’t understand why he is ok with that either. That is no life. I would hate it.

The next day, I am going to Kangaroo Island for a few days for work, so I will have to drive past his house tomorrow on my way, which is kind of exciting for some weird reason. I wonder if it’s just because I know where he lives & what we’ve done there before, perhaps? I don’t know, but I am excited to drive past his house to get to the ferry. While I’m away, Noodle tells me that he is going to the Limp Bizket concert in Adelaide & was going to ask me to go with him. I ask him why he didn’t ask me because I’m not a huge fan of Limp Bizket but I would’ve gone with him, any chance to go somewhere with him. He tells me that he didn’t ask me because he wasn’t sure if his partner would go with him & then he says that I am away anyway. I remind him that I could plan my trips to basically anytime I want, so it pisses me off that he doesn’t know this & goes to the concert alone. I mean I plan my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to see him, leaving on Wednesdays mornings! Again, I fucking hate travelling for work. I used to love my job, but now I fucking hate it. I hate being away & he does things that I could do with him & I can’t because I’m fucking away! I hate that he didn’t even ask me to go with him & I could’ve changed this trip to make sure I was home… He’s such a dick, he didn’t want to look like dickhead by asking me & me saying no, so he just didn’t ask. What an actual fuck wit!

I’m on my last day of my trip, I have planned to be home for the gym then I am going to see him at his gym later that night, having not seen him for a few days & really fucking sad that I didn’t get to go to the concert with him last night & he went alone, sending me pictures of the concert, I am a little heartbroken for him that he went alone… During the day I am in a meeting room alone & so sitting there chatting to him when we end up having an argument, he recently got a $10k bonus at work & they go shopping to buy a whole new lounge room suite, a whole fucking suite with couch, buffet, book shelf – the works… They’re about to have a baby & they have a 4 year old, why the fuck would you go out & buy all new furniture that the kids will wreck? & also when they are in a fuck ton of debt? & what’s even more disturbing, why the fuck does this annoy me? It has nothing to do with me, except it does… It makes me realise that he is still in this thing with his partner, not just because of the kids but he actually is making no attempts to leave her. This is like a kick in the guts. They have so much debt & should be paying it off their credit cards which he tells me all the time are in his name, so if he left her, he’d have all the debt. I am being snappy with him because I am fucking gutted & sad.

We are chatting weirdly, but now I am preparing myself for him to pull away once the baby is born, it’s due date is fast approaching, she is unable to move, he’s off work so I assume he’ll start pulling away. He tells me “If you love something set it free. Just don’t forget about me” Fucking hell he pisses me off! I tell him that I have a time frame in my head, I figure that I have about 6 more months that I can do this with him. The baby will be born & if he can’t leave, then I will end it. I’m good with due dates, I am good with limits. I’ve set my quit date! I am going to do it. He says he won’t harass me or hound me or beg for my attention, I know that he’s too stubborn for that, even though he’s also told me that he wouldn’t let me walk away. I tell him that I won’t talk to him at all & he asks “Really? Not even a hi now & then?” I say that I won’t be able too, it’s that like a junkie around the drug? I won’t be able to resist. He says “Hmm, ok. You’d just throw the friendship away too?” but I have to think of myself here “The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do it walk away from this knowing, I was never quite good enough yet again” I am breaking, I feel on the verge of tears & I never cry. “You good enough. Your fucking amazing #IBD4U. Probably the best chick I have ever met. Don’t EVER think your not good enough. The guy that gets you is gonna be one of the luckiest guys on the planet. ” That is just like a stab to the heart, again! He tells me that I have learned a lot from us “How to be a damsel in distress. How to be a great fun loving partner. I may have set you up to succeed better in the future. Don’t get sad. I’m so lucky to have met you.” Yeah lucky to meet me, but you’re not going to spend your life with me! I tell him “I’m trying to be reasonable here. I get you have a baby about to pop out so my timeframe isn’t that soon. But if in a few months if you still feel the same about staying with her. I can’t stick around.” I have to have a plan here. “It’s not you. If I didn’t have kids… Yeah anyway. Wanna still be friends” I don’t think that’s a possibility to be honest. I would love that, but how would that even work? He asks me “Your gonna destroy me aren’t you lol. Easiest way. Just fuck heaps of people & tell me how good they are. That’ll get me running” This guy doesn’t know me at all does he? “I’m the one who’ll be destroyed… Nothing changes for you. You’ll have your family to distract you. You’ll be fine.” He won’t even think about me, I’m sure of that “You do mean a lot to me. It will hurt. A lot. Don’t think it won’t.” I just say that I don’t want to talk about this & that he doesn’t have to see me tonight, when he says “I do wanna see you. Cum see me tonight. I’ll just please you. Give you a hug instead?” OMG. “No, I’ll burst into tears, don’t hug me.” He says “Shit, has stuff really upset you that much? I’m so sorry #IBD4U. argh. Never intended to hurt you. Stay positive… You won’t be alone forever” OMG! Why am I still chatting to him when he says this stuff? Fucking asshat.

He even says to me as I’m boarding the ferry about 3:30 pm, that he’ll let me go & will talk to me later. That just pisses me off even more. I hate that he just logs off & then can go on with his life, while I stew on the fucking fight & the fact I am such a fucking fool. Even more foolish for wanting to still talk to him! The whole way home on the Ferry I am seething. I then have to drive past his place again to get home, hating that I look down the side street to see if his car is around. I assume he’s not going to message me later than night when he is at the gym. I don’t know when we will talk again. I am fuming & upset. I don’t think I have ever been more indirectly hurt by something Noodle has said to me. He doesn’t even understand & I can’t explain it to him.

To my surprise, at 10:30 pm, he messages to ask if I still want to see him tonight. I want to say no, I desperately don’t want to reply. Just pretend I’m offline. I want to stay at home, already in bed… But like the junkie that I am (there is no better word for me right now! I love my reader for giving me that!), I want his arms around me, his reassuring arms around me… So, I get up & head to the gym near his house. As I get there, I reverse in & he gets in the front seat of my car & I think, not this old chestnut, he’s going to have to go, she’s having the baby & I get even more angry… We’ve had a fucked day, he’s not talked to me most of the afternoon, even though I know he could have which pisses me off, but I know he was trying to give me space, but that just left me alone with my own thoughts & made it twice as bad as it was & now he has to go because he’s getting in the front seat. I ask him what he is doing, why he’s in the front seat & he just says I don’t know, he said he wasn’t sure what I wanted. I want his cock inside me. I don’t want to talk to him, I want to connect the way we know how. The only way we really do. Are we just sex to each other? Is this really love? Is this what love it? Because if it is, I’m not sure I want it!

We get out of the car & get in the back. We fuck, me riding him & it’s hot but I am distant, I am feeling like this is the end! I have to fucking end it. I am getting hurt too often to keep this fucking thing going, when that song of his comes on. FUCK! Periscope comes on my Spotify mix & it’s playing as we fuck. He doesn’t say anything & neither do I, I don’t know if he notices, I’m 100% sure he does as he comments on my music choices a lot sometimes, asking what I’m listening too or telling me it’s a good mix. We kiss, a lot during the song, it’s like I want to connect with him while it’s on & so does he, I can feel the distance between us disintegrate & we are really one human being right now. FUUUUUCCCCK!

#IBD4U

Max is still hanging around & even posting things about me on the anonymous app. I’m pretty sure that Noodle is jealous of this because he acts like a complete child & posts back. Max writes that he’s missing me with a picture of a whip, I mean he had his chance with me & blew it. Noodle writes asking if anyone has met me off there as I’m wild in bed. Later Max posts again saying “Oh the things I would do to you if you messaged me” like really, this pissing contest on the anonymous app that we all know we use, is just fucking tiring. Noodle knows I love him, I’m pretty sure Max knows I love Noodle because Sweetie knows now, I had to tell someone.

Noodle asks why I haven’t told my best friend & I explain to him that she was cheated on & when I tried to talk to her about it in the beginning she got very upset with me. So I just lied & said I wasn’t seeing anyone special & never talked to her about it again.

I also went to my bosses wedding & fucking hell I wanted Noodle by my side – I hated being there, in love with someone who couldn’t come because no one knows about them. There was a blatant set up happening & Noodle just doesn’t get why it was so hard for me to reject this perfectly nice guy. “What am I gonna say, I’m in love with a married guy whose wife is days away from giving birth to their second child?!” What would I even say to these people, no one knows I’m even seeing someone! I have kept this one so quiet, which is unlike me, I usually tell everyone my whole life story (Hard to believe that huh! Hahaha) I just tell him that I’ve told basically no one about him because it also allows me to believe the fantasy that we we’ll one day have a life together. If I tell people about him they will tell me what an idiot I am, that he won’t leave his wife & that I need to move on, all things I know but it’s more realistic when it comes from someone else… “How cute you want me to go to your bosses wedding with you” Fuck off, as if I didn’t… “I want to guy I love to go to lots of places with me… that was just an example.” As if he doesn’t think I want him to go to things with me! I am desperate for him to attend events & functions with me. -If you didn’t notice, we also evolved from the love heart love thing. We now say love a bit more. Still not said I love you again but we can at least say the word. “Hahaha, Kinda nice of you to think of me that way tho” I scoff. “You don’t think of me that way cos you’ve already got someone to go to weddings with you. So you don’t get it” He won’t understand how this feels for me, I mean I am always alone thinking of him, while he says he thinks about me when he’s not with me or chatting to me, he’s still got someone to spend time with. “Ummm… I wanted you to be at my side at my bros wedding… Thought about you a lot too… “ OMG! What the fuck… Did he? He avoids the conversation by saying goodnight with a cute emoji & calling me chicken wing. I say “Good night buttercup but this conversation isn’t over” I am not letting him out of that so easily.

Remember when I was in the Riverland, having just taken the morning after pill so I was crazy & Noodle has his brother’s wedding, I thought he was being nuts because his little brother was getting married to someone he didn’t like but now about 2 months later I find out that Noodle wanted me at his brothers wedding, by his side. He fought with his partner probably because she noticed he was being a weirdo, I noticed over texts so imagine what she got. I remember him being distant & not chatting to me, that I thought he was avoiding me. “Definitely wasn’t avoiding you. I really wanted to chat to you that night but you were busy. Made me heaps sad. Had a lot of emotional shit going on.” OMG, because I was out that night, he didn’t message me! He’s a fucking idiot! What is wrong with him!!! “Oh cos you won’t chat to me if you know I’m out… Even though you should & I’ll reply when I can” If only we messaged that weekend, would things be different? He actually tells me that he was ready to leave her that weekend, but I was out & then I was away & was part of the reason why he wanted the hug when I got back but by then it had all blown over with her & so while he wanted to see me, he knew he wasn’t going to leave her. OMG. I hate that I travel for work. I resent the fact that it has potentially ruined my chance of being with Noodle.

Stupid but that isn’t the reason why we aren’t together. I know that if I was there in Adelaide, things probably would be the same, but I can’t help but think what if. & I hate that… What if I was here & he was willing to leave her… Would she let him go so easily? I highly doubt it otherwise she would’ve ended it with him already. FUCK… I hate the what if crap. I hate it & I hate travelling for work! FUCKING HELL.

I am off work this week still, on Thursday Noodle is getting his hair cut at a barber near my house & close to his old work, which apparently can take up to 3 hours, as you can’t make an appointment & the barber is slow. But Noodle gets there early, gets his hair done & is messaging to come get him so we can go back to my place. He needs to be picked up as he can’t fake his location anymore, so he has to leave his phone & car at the barber.

I get stuck in some traffic & he asks when I am & if I’m coming, I can’t reply & as I’m about 6 seconds away I don’t bother, I read it but don’t respond. He then messages instantly saying ‘Please tell me you’re coming’. I have a cheesy grin when I pull up realising that he’s disappointed I might not be coming. I pull up & I see the relief on his face, he kisses me hello & I giggle at the fact that he was worried I wasn’t coming to get him!

I’m wearing a sexy new Honey Birdette purchase, but when we get back to my place he pushes me against my table, running his hand up my dress when he realises I’m wearing something possibly sexy underneath, he asks what I’m wearing while pulling my dress off over my head. I love watching his eyes pop out his head when he sees me in something I bought for him. It’s a hot day & he leaves it on, we fuck hot & heavy, it’s super warm & know my hair is frizzy but I ask him to video some, so in front of the mirror, I get on my knees while he videos me sucking his cock. He doesn’t cum, which is not usual for him to be honest. I drop him back to his car & he kisses me goodbye.

Noodle gets banned again on the chat app & I tell him that if his account is deleted again, that he must change his user name to Noodle Heart #IBD4U, he says what will people think, surprises me that he cares what people think “No I don’t. I love you & don’t care what anyone on here thinks” Jesus, he’s never said it like that before… I say that to him & he tries to back track however, I just laugh & secretly love the fact he does love me & is not willing to say it. However I kind of snap a lot now, I mean we’re having a great convo he’s saying “Your kinda cute & fun to be around tho” but I am in a mood “Just not enough… I know. Story if my life.” I am fucking stupid, I am angry all the time now. “OMG it’s not that. You know my reasons. I’d wife you in a heartbeat if I could.” FUCK what?! Does he mean that? Actually do you know what, this guy could wife me but he choosing not too… I’m still Miss Snappy McSnappyson & can’t help it. He tells me not to overthink things, but surely this guy knows I’m a fucking overthinker & he’s just told me essentially that he wants to marry me! He’s been saying he’ll let me walk away if I found someone else & that I should find someone else, that I get angry at him for saying that but he says “You think I’d just let you walk away? I’m in way too deep emotionally for that now” I don’t believe him, I think he wouldn’t fight for me. He doesn’t even fight for the woman he has. I don’t think this man is strong enough for me. I don’t think he’s strong enough for her. So why can’t I walk away, I could walk away & be happy with someone else, I’m sure… Everyone always says that I’m amazing, but why can’t I?

One night he actually comes back online & says that he doesn’t think she is going to bed anytime soon “She sleeps all day, she stays up late grrr… & I miss you… When she does like last night” I can’t help but swoon, but really, thinking about this, this is fucked! He says he loves me & logs off. Stupidly I am awake when he comes back online & we chat more. Why am I always available for this fucking idiot!?

I see him Monday night at his gym late at night, I have to stay awake to drive there at 11:00 pm. He’s off work being she’s got something wrong with her (I never really ask what, but some kind of pelvic pain & she can’t get dressed by herself – the image of him dressing her actually kills me.) & on bed rest & I am on some leave for study purposes, however all I seem to be doing is going to the gym & chatting to him! This night though, I wear my favorite green panties that he is going to take with him. This is something we’ve talked about, he wants to have a pair of my panties & I want him to have them… Look I won’t lie, in the back of my mind, I secretly want him to have them because I think that this will speed things up with his partner finding out & part of the reason why I wanted him to have them. I also can’t help but wonder if he wants to get caught? He’s too chicken to leave her, but if she leaves him, he can play the woe is me card?! I don’t know… But he takes them anyway, I watch him stuff them in his gym short pockets & it turns me on a lot to head home with no panties. It’s also hot as fuck when a few days later, when Noodle sends me a video, he’s using them to jerk off, cumming all over their carpet! FUCK that’s hot…

I don’t see him again until Friday again at 11:00 pm at the gym. I am making all the effort now. I mean he messages me when he can, of course, which is a lot less being they’re both home, however he tries as hard as he can. But I don’t think he thinks about what he is saying sometimes, because he compares my gut to his gut, which his is bigger but in a different way to me I guess. So I snap & ask him to tone down the honesty “Ahhh Sorry. I find you incredibly hot & beautiful. I’m not that fat… just my gut… Which means your not that fat!” hahaha, god he’s a fucking idiot sometimes! He knows that calling me beautiful gets me every time. He says “Do you not see my eyes when I see you in some sexy ass lingerie. Only one word to describe you. Beautiful” OH FUCK.

On Sunday during the day he says his partner is asleep & I suggest that he download an app that controls my vibrator, he does & we have some virtual play, we can chat & watch on video as he controls it. It’s actually a lot of fun! But of course, half way though the session, yes I’d already cum, but he disappears & I lay there waiting for ages for him to come back online. This reminds me of Dom & how when he’s done he just logs off & disappears. However when he comes back online he says that his son was hovering around & he had to log off. I mean I get it but fuck it’s annoying! Why am I doing this? Later that night I meet him at the gym, because my vagina is angry & in need of some hate sex. Which Noodle obliges as always, fucking me hard, pulling my hair, spanking my ass, fucking my ass & then cumming on my tits. OMG this drug is toxic… Just one more hit… Please!

#IBD4U

Remember when Noodle & I were saying good night… & I said he lurvves bacon then he said doughnuts. Well he loves doughnuts too… OMG I missed it but was Noodle saying he loved me then?! (Wasn’t he?! Or am I reading into this? Hahaha…) Here’s the except from that blog for you to judge!

So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love!

OMG, I may be reading into things a bit much, but I feel like we bottled up our feelings for so long! But did he say that he loves me in a weird way?

While our messages are more lovey, I am acting nuts a lot. I mean he’s saying he’s in love with 2 women, I don’t believe that is true, I don’t think you can love 2 people in the same way. But it hurts me when he tells me that he loves her, he says that he’s not in love with her but she in the mother of his children. I guess I just try not to think about her so much & he’s my best friend with no one to talk to about me or her, so he talks to me. I don’t think he realises what he says sometimes he tells me that “Yeah obviously she finds me attractive & can be dirty. But yeah, no where near as dirty as you. & she does want me sexually, even if she’s not turned on… Last time I fucked her she thanked me… I mean WTF. Cos it made her feel wanted. You make me feel more attractive than she does tho.” What does he even need me for & I tell him that it makes sense why he’ll never leave her. I say that & he replies “Well I don’t. you know the reasons why & I’m never gonna bullshit them to you like most cheating guys do. Keep telling there mistress they will live there wife eventually & never do. As much as I want too…” The thing Noodle never understands, is that he does bullshit me… I mean saying ‘as much as I want too’ is clearly bullshit. If he wanted to leave her, he would! Those lines are designed to give me hope that he will leave her. He says that he never gives me false hope, but he does, every day! Even by telling me that he loves me, he has given me hope. Just not the type of direct hope that he’s talking about. It’s still gives me hope… & I stupidly wait around for a glimmer of this hope all the time, waiting for him to actually say that he’s left her & going to make a go of it with me. I mean lets face it, that’s never going to happen, I am doomed here. I know it. He knows it. Hell, even if his partner knew about me, she knows I’m doomed. However I still hang around like a lost puppy waiting for a scrap of his time.I try not to let this alter my chats with Noodle. I mean I am constantly thinking this shit but I am in a good mood, I mean I am finally in love! OMG, lets just even reflect on that for a second! It wasn’t a dream. A man I find incredibly sexy, funny, passionate & have the ultimate chemistry with, loves me. Little ol me! I will not die now having not been loved! My biggest fear, is now no longer. I know what love feels like, I can’t describe it, but I feel it. It embraces me in everything I do. I wake up thinking about Noodle, I sleep dreaming of Noodle, I go to bed wishing he was next to me. I constantly look at my phone for a message from him, I pine for the next time I am going to see me, till I feel him inside of me, fucking me & yes OMG. That was making love when we came together that day & every time we’ve done that since. We are in sync. I’m sure if we were around friends, we’d been sickening & finish each other’s sentences!

I’ve never been a smoker before, but I have struggled with food issues before, I suspect that giving up smoking is kind of like me trying to give up Noodle, I can hear smokers saying ‘just one more smoke, just one more puff then I’ll give up…’ Yep, I hear ya buddy… Just one more fuck. One more kiss… Then I’m done, I can walk away & find a love that I deserve! Yes just one more time… However as per Veronica Mars in the movie when helping Logan “You ever hear the one about the junkie who was satisfied with just one more taste of the good stuff…. Neither have I.” FUCK!

We become this weird hybrid of ourselves. We never say the word love, we use the love heart emoji to express that. I’m not sure if Noodle does it because that’s what I do or if he is also scared about saying that damn word to me again! He says “Noodle heart #IBD4U” & I reply “Awwww, #IBD4U does heart Noodle too!”  I am smiling like a tool when he says “Totally lame” I reply “You are grinning”  because I know he is & I am too, He says that he is & I smile even more!

The first time I did the love heart thing, he did say “Oh dear god, we’re doing this now?’  & when I says yes, he does it back every time. & even sometimes he initiates it, so I know he loves it, thinks it’s cute & is happy that I am so into him. As we’re chatting I tell him not to worry “Don’t worry, dirty, sexy, kinky #IBD4U is still there, just with a little cuteness too.. that might make you want to vomit, but that’s ok” & before he reads it, he leaves every group, as if en masse, his chat app is shut down. My heart goes into a panic. What has happened? I am at work, I know he’s not at work – I’m pretty sure she’s in bed asleep or he wouldn’t be chatting to me, he couldn’t have been found out in that short space of time & deleted his chat app so suddenly? What the fuck is going on? Does she know? Did she see my picture? I think I still have his cum on my face in the profile picture, however I do look pretty cute… But fuck then she knows what I look like. No I need to calm down, he wouldn’t delete his chat app that suddenly if she found out. It’s actually hard to delete your account on the app, you have to go to the website first. Surely he hasn’t been caught & told to delete it & he did… It happened to suddenly. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! People start asking me questions, as if I know… I am freaking out more than anyone! WTF… It’s weird it was every group all at the same time, that doesn’t happen to people. OMG. I don’t have any other way to contact him. He did give me his number ages ago, but I don’t want to message his phone in case she has found out about me. As I start to write him an email, hoping that he’ll check his cheating email account soon & give me some answers, I get a request on the chat app from another Noodle. OMG what the hell happened!? He tells me that his account was deleted by the chat app people because of all the douchy shit he has been doing with another guy in a group, who was apparently convicted of being a kiddy fiddler. Noodle was always against this (as everyone should be) but they had such rivalry. It was stupid to be honest. Just so dumb, but Noodle kept getting bans on his chat account, so many times that they just deleted his account. FUCKING HELL that was a bad 10 minutes! OMG the crazy thoughts that went through my mind in such a short space of time is insane!

The following Saturday night we arrange to meet at his gym for our regular car sex, sometimes he gyms before or after but he usually says that our sex is enough of a workout for him. I pull up, reverse in so that we’re hidden in the back seat when we jump in there. But as I go to get out of the car I notice he’s getting in the front seat. He kisses me hello & runs his hands over any part of me he can reach, I ask why he’s gotten into the front seat, he kisses me again not answering. FUCK – what is happening please?!

He says he has to go, his partner just called & he has to take her to the hospital. I ask if she’s having the baby but he says no, she’s having some pain. I kiss him quickly & tell him he has to go. He keeps touching me saying how sorry he is, I keep saying its ok (even though I have just driven 30 minutes to see him for 15 seconds at 10:00 pm.) But he keeps trying to finger me, says he wants to get me off before he goes & how sorry he is, but I push him off telling him he needs to go. He’s with me a lot longer than he should be, he genuinely looks devastated that he has to go. But I guess he’s also worried that I’ll be bitchy to him, he can’t help this… It sucks but it’s not his fault.

I drive away feeling so shit. Like an actual fucking idiot loser! It’s no one’s fault but my own. I am involved with a guy who has a pregnant partner, I should expect this kind of stuff to happen. To be honest, I’m surprised she hasn’t ruined more of our times together. I say goodnight to him & he messages me sorry on the way home. I say that I’ll go to bed when I get home & that I’ll chat to him tomorrow. I’m not trying to make him feel bad, I am just trying to protect myself a little here. This is a fucked up situation. I want to cry but I can’t. I’ll be surprised if I get any sleep tonight. Somehow I do sleep…

I hear a noise in the night, or is it morning? I roll over & snuggle back down, but I hear it louder, like someone is coming in my front door. I hear birds chirping but it’s still darkish outside, I smell Noodle as he slips into my bed naked & I startle awake asking him what day it is? What time is it? It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am, he tells me his partner is home & she thinks he’s at the gym, he left his phone there while he snuck to my house to see me. Noodle never surprises me like this, it’s always pre-planned, but I roll into him & we have hot passionate sex (as always!) before he has to go. OMG, I am so in love with him. As if he risked it that much for me.

I see him the next night for an hour at the gym, we have sex in the car again – it’s always hot. The following Tuesday, is the 4^th day in a row we’ve seen each other, noodle is again on holidays because his partner is in pain, so I meet him at the gym instead, I am on holidays too so I went to my usual gym that morning, but I have been dying to workout with him since I joined the same gym as him, so I say that I’ll meet him in the gym this time. We have talked about having a shower together at the gym & maybe some rimming but I’m still not sure. I get to the gym & he’s on the treadmill, I walk up to him & he gets off it, gives me a kiss hello. There is only 1 or 2 people in the gym. He makes me get on a treadmill to warm up, but I get on the cross trainer as I hate the treadmill, he gets back on his treadmill & we sort of chat as we workout next to each other, I kind of just want to rip his shirt & pants off & fuck him on the equipment. I restrain myself & we do some weights together, where he says I whinge a lot (yes I hate working out & do whinge when I am with other people) but I say later that I was doing the damsel in distress hoping he’d help me & touch me, however he says he feels like a gym noob, I haven’t been going to a gym for years, I go to classes so they don’t have a lot of the same equipment & I have no idea what I’m doing as well. We work out for an hour, I’ve already worked out that day & also just want to fuck him, so I’m also aware that we’re getting to a point where he’ll have to go soon, so I say let’s go. We stand at the cars & kiss waiting for the other to say let’s fuck, I forget which one said it but we’re in the back of my car naked pretty quickly. This is where I want to be. I love fucking him & we’re both sweaty & hot, ready for each other… Is there ever going to be a time when I don’t want this mans cock inside me?

#IBD4U

 

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FACTUAL. FUCKING. FUCK!

I look at the L word for what seems like eternity. I stop in my tracks at work, still, just staring at it. No man has ever said or written the L word to me before in that context. EVER. I never expected that Noodle would ever say that to me, he acts like such a douche all the time in groups, of course I see a different side, but given our situation, I never thought he’d be the one to let his guard down even if he did feel it. I never thought he’d say it. FUCK. I’m 36 & no one has ever loved me. Is it possible that I am loveable?

A million replies go through my head in the seconds that pass. This is stupid, so reckless & it’s going to end in tears… My tears! I’ve been telling myself that for months, but this is a turning point – this has to be a turning point. My head is screaming in a high pitched weird voice that I’ve never heard before “End it IBD4U, end it now” but my heart… My heart… My fucking heart somehow controls my fingers as I type out my reply “I’m in love with you too.”

FUCK.

To be honest, there is no other response that I want to say… I’ve been denying it, I have been avoiding it. I have been lying to myself… He reads it instantly & says “Well that’s even more fucked” I burst out laughing. Yep, that’s our relationship for you! Fucking hell, what are we doing?! He says he wasn’t expecting the L word back from me & I say that I don’t even believe that I have said it myself. I mean only a few months before he had to tell me that I had feelings for him & that we are best friends. I always deny my feelings. I wonder if he was hoping I’d say I loved him then? Or did he want to say it to me? But I kept saying that I didn’t have feelings for him & shutting it down. Looking back, he was probing me to say something more than just friends…

Fucking hell, that song! That song was bloody right! I do love him. I really do. I’m fucked. This is fucked. Ironically he tells me that he realised he was in love with me a little while ago while listening to a song too. WHAT? Fucking hell, that’s a sign!

So I ask him what the song is for him, he tells me is a song called ‘Periscope’ by Papa Roach. Immediately I find it on Spotify, hit repeat & learn all the words & all I want to do is hug him – the lyrics hit home again about the fact I’m going to be so broken when this is over. It’s a subtle message for me to walk away from him. But I want his strong loving arms around me. FUCK. I fucking love him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – just for those who want to listen, but again it’s important you at least read the lyrics.

I want to feel your wreckage, it’s a firestorm
I’m falling like a loaded weapon in your arms
Paranoid it might be reckless, no matter what I say
It’s only going to steal your breath and slip away

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Cause you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

You wear your heart so fearless, it’s like it doesn’t beat
You push away my demons when they torture me
Don’t think that I can fight this pressure pulling me underneath
It’s like I’ve got the whole world tied around my feet

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
You don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope
Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

I don’t want to dive in first
You don’t want to hear these words
It’s only going to make it worse
But you don’t want to live that curse
You’re telling me to keep my hope
Because you’ve got a heart of gold
But maybe you should let me go
I’ll love you through a periscope

Oh, oh, through a periscope
Oh, oh, I-I’ll love you through a periscope

Songwriters: Colin Brittain Cunningham / Holly B. Hafermann / Jacoby Dakota Shaddix / Jerry Allan Jr. Horton / Nicholas Michael Furlong / Tobin Joseph Esperance

Periscope lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Downtown Music Publishing

The song was released about 4 months before he actually said the L word. I’ll probably never know when he actually listened to the song with me in mind. If he’d been listening for ages then suddenly realised or if he heard it once & thought of me. I mean like I said earlier, he was probing me to say something more than friends a few months ago, so I’m assuming that he realised before me.

I probably have been in love him a lot longer than I will ever admit to him – reading back on my blog posts, it’s evident, but I was living in denial… I am going to get so hurt, his partner is already on maternity leave, less than a month to go before they have another kid together & here I am confessing my love for him. I am the worst kind of human!

Weirdly this same day, all the guys in the chat app groups are talking about guns in the private group we have & Noodle posts a photo of his hand, holding a gun. I am not sure why I never even ask him about it, but I just assume that it’s a toy of his son’s, however it looks pretty real… Why don’t I ask more questions?

Remember Port Lincoln, the guy I hooked up with when I was over there, he is also back, but not enough to get another post, he has been texting me being he is moving back to Adelaide for a few weeks before going to live overseas. He asks to see me multiple times, but I tell him that I am seeing someone, that I have just realised I have feelings for, however, he tells me that “What he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him” I almost laugh out loud. I mean not only have I fucked & kissed 2 guys since seeing Noodle but I am also the other woman doing this to someone else… I mean the irony is not lost on me. However, I guess with Max & Port Lincoln both messaging me to see me, just reminds me how much I don’t want to text with anyone else but Noodle…

I see Noodle, for the first time post the L word on the following Tuesday morning for only 30 minutes before work at my house, it’s early in the morning so we don’t even have time to think about what we want to say. Our sex is hot & steamy but neither of us mention what we said yesterday. I see him again the following Saturday night late when I go meet him at his gym for sex in the carpark. We never speak of the L word in person – it’s like an elephant in the room though, I want to say something, I’m not sure what he wants to do, but he doesn’t say it in real life to me, I think that would be too much if he did anyway. I kind of hope that he doesn’t, I don’t know if I can say it to his face, it makes it too real!

Even though we’ve messaged “I heart you” with the emoji heart every night (because I haven’t been able to say the L word again, so I use the heart emoji) When he writes back “Heart you” I tell him “OMG… that just made my tummy jump” & he asks what I mean. All I send back is a butterfly emoji & he gets it… This ‘heart you’ thing is keeping me really guarded – I have to be, right? I am going to be shattered when this ends. He’s said he’s not going to leave her, they have another baby on the way – I have to keep telling myself this, I have to distance myself from this! But that was all before he said he loves me… Has that changed things for him? How the fuck do I walk away from the first person I’ve ever loved, while still in love with them?? It’s a perfect time too, I mean he’ll pull away once the baby comes & University is starting for me, I will be super busy with studying plus working a full on full time job & going to the gym 3-4 times a week, this is the perfect time to end this fucking ridiculous relationship… But a reader said to me the other day as a perfect description, she’s had the same type of chemistry before, it’s like a drug she couldn’t give up… Well fuck, if that isn’t true for me, then I don’t know what is! I constantly think about giving him up, but I can’t quite seem to cut the ties…

Our next Tuesday night together, I want to remind him that I’m still the kinky woman, that I always was because our chats seem to be more lovely dovey, with hearts & xxx, he needs a reminder. We’ve fucked at the train station once before, but just in the carpark. This time I am planning something different. I make sure that I have scissors in the car. It is a warm night, I wear a short summer dress, we fuck in the car as usual when we get to the train station, it is hot & steamy – sexy, passionate…

I cum multiple times riding Noodle as I always do, then I tell him that I want him to use the cable ties that we bought together a few weeks ago but still haven’t used them, I also tell him that I brought scissors. I want him to bend me over the bonnet of car while my hands are tied behind my back. We get out of the car, I feel self-conscious but I know I need to act confident. I get out the car & before he ties my hands he pulls me down to suck his cock while he’s still sitting in the passenger seat. I love when he gets all dominant & rough, shoving his cock down my throat. I don’t need to be confident because he is in charge of me – he knows what we both want & he makes it happen! He pushes me off him & handles me roughly so I’m bent over the bonnet of the car, it’s about 8:00 pm so it’s still light outside in February.

As he’s tying my hands I can feel myself getting turned on & wet, I’m whimpering in anticipation, he asks me if I like that & I nod saying a breathy yes, he chuckles in my ear that he can tell – that sexy chuckle… FUCK, if that wasn’t enough to make me wet, I don’t know what other sound could do that! It kind of frightens me a little, being so restrained – unable to even squirm without them digging into my skin & hurting me – but it also feels so good. A weird awesome pain… I do trust him, but it does cross my mind that this is also his first time with cable ties too. Something could go wrong, however, I don’t have time to think these thoughts as he pulls my panties down to my knees, lifts my skirt up, smacks my ass several times, so fucking hard, I think it’s the hardest he’s ever hit me before, I’m whimpering more, so turned on, so wet & I love the sound we both make as he slides into me from behind, he fucks me hard against the car then he pulls my pony tail, tight & hard, I wince at the pain of the angle I am now on but he knows I love it & he loves being rough with me, pulling me almost right against his chest to make me turn to kiss him. He fucks me so hard that I cum again twice before he does. Jesus Christ… Did the L word intensify our fuck sessions?!

After we head back to his work, I pull up at his car & every week I actually hope like fuck, that he doesn’t say goodbye, that he jumps out, gets his phone, checks it then gets back in my car to chat. Which he does… I love this time with him. I love it more than anything, it’s my uninterrupted time with him where we talk about everything – neither of us playing with our phones or trying to fuck each other. But this is the first time since the L word that we’ve had a Tuesday night chat session. I kind of wish I could tell him how much this time means to me. Why can’t I tell him? We’ve got the sex part down pat & chatting online, but this is what I want. The ability to talk to my best friend in real life, without wondering if he is chatting to someone else or if his partner has gotten out of bed when he disappears online. I get him on a Tuesday night, albeit for a short time, but I get him all to myself.

#IBD4U

So the next night I go to Noodle’s work, wearing the sexy white lingerie that I was going to wear the day I wore the white dress he loves, this white lingerie, which I’ve shown him pictures of, but haven’t actually worn for him. He no longer has his spare iPhone to fake his location, so he is stuck & I have to go to him a lot more than I used too. I skip the gym & go to see him at his work in a cute dress & white lingerie.

I pick him up & because it’s February it’s daylight savings, so at 7:30 pm it’s still quite bright outside. So we can’t go to our regular spot & so I drive to a train station & pull up in the corner in a car park. We climb in to the backseat & start kissing, me straddling him & I love that moment when I lift my dress up over my head & his eyes pop out of his head once he sees what I’m wearing. Between that & that noise he makes, I swear to god, I feel like the sexiest woman alive, with no flaws, no stretchmarks, I honestly feel on top of the world when I see that look or hear that noise, I mean combine the two of those things & I will pretty much will just cum on the spot! Hahaha.

We fuck in the backseat, I’m not as conscious of fucking in public anymore since the carwash, that’s the most open & exposed sex I think I’ve ever had. This is a bit more secluded but as the sun sets in the night sky, Noodle cums for the first time on my face while cumming on my tits. He loves this when I open my mouth & poke out my tongue, he pretty much cums instantly. Laying there, I take a cute pic of me in the lingerie with his white cum on my face. (Later in the week I update my profile picture on the chat app to this pic – needless to say I get a lot of attention from it!) I clean us both up & we go back to his car & sit there chatting for hours, until 10:00 pm. It’s getting later & later that he’ll sit in the car chatting to me. She sleeps more obviously being more pregnant, so she’s never up when he gets home, so he isn’t too worried about her looking at the apple stalker app as much anymore. This is good for me because he’s also not looking at his phone or watch as much. I am getting undivided attention from Noodle without him looking at the clock. I feel like we are talking more than we fuck on Tuesdays now. I love this time as I’ve said before, just chatting to him, finding out more about him, actually telling him about me, not just talking about food or sex. In fact when we’re not having sex but we’re together, we don’t ever talk about sex. We talk over text all the time about sex, food our lives but in person we talk about ourselves more. I feel like this guy gets me, I get him & this is the first time I remember stuff.

I remember when Boyfriend was breaking up with me & he said to me “You don’t know me at all” & that hit home for me & that was how I know that I wasn’t in love with him. I didn’t know what Boyfriends favourite food was, I knew his favourite band but that’s mainly because music is my thing. I didn’t really know much about him even though we were together for 3.5 years & owned a house together. But with Noodle I am voracious for information about him, remembering everything that he tells me (within reason of course, not every word). OMG is that where that saying comes from? Hanging on every word? Because I do… I hang on every word he says & am always eager to hear more from him. The thing that scares me the most is that the appetite for information about him just seems to grow, even after a year, I can still find things to talk to him about. I still want to chat to him all day when we’re free & he still wants to chat to me.

The next day, it’s Valentine’s day! My most hated day of the year, as you can imagine – I’m always single. It’s a great day when you have a partner who is romantic I guess, which I never do. Expect last year my Nanna passed away & I spent the day with Max, which was really lovely to be honest, he was sweet & just what I needed that day, even though we didn’t have sex. Noodle starts the day by actually saying Happy V day to me, which surprises me, but I lap it up. I am going away for work today, so I pack the car & drive.

On my way to Mt Gambier for work, I pick a random mix on Spoitfy – maybe it’s something to do with valentine’s day & it there’s all these songs I don’t usually listen to or haven’t heard before & most seem to be about heartbreak, not love – WTF is this playlist? But when a song by Paloma Faith comes on, called ‘Only Love Can Hurt Like This’, I listen to the lyrics, they start speaking to me. I hit rewind when it’s done & then again & again, before long I know all the words & am belting out the tune on the drive. Does anyone else ever do that?

For about 3 hours I listen to this song before I realise I think I love Noodle! I stop singing (if I was walking I would’ve probably stopped in my tracks! Kind of like that scene in the movie Clueless when Cher is walking in front of the fountain & says ‘Wait a minute, I love Josh’ & the fountain lights up) so I just stare out the window at this revelation. No way. NO FUCKING WAY. That’s fucking stupid. I can’t love a man that is hiding me from everyone in his life & I’m hiding him from everyone in my life. I haven’t told my best friends that I’m seeing him, I have told my sister but she’s about the only one & I haven’t talk to her about it in a while.

It’s dumb… I’m just getting caught up, this is just a silly romantic song. It’s valentine’s day & he’s says that he’d buy me flowers if I was home… I’m just being an idiot. I mean if he wanted to get me flowers, he could’ve given me some last night! This isn’t love. I’m just best friends with him & he’s being sweet. I’m just being dumb. Let’s squash that idea out my head right now. Phew that was close, I almost caught feelings. I mean I don’t even know what love is… I wouldn’t have a clue what it means… So this is not it…

The song though, gets me, I’ll attach the YouTube clip & lyrics for you – just for those who want to listen. I think you need to at least read the lyrics! Fuck they are just what I’m feeling right now… Except the L word, of course!

I tell myself you don’t mean a thing
But what we got, got no hold on me?
But when you’re not there I just crumble
I tell myself that I don’t care that much
But I feel like I’m dying till I feel your touch

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this

Say I wouldn’t care if you walked away
But every time you’re there I’m begging you to stay
When you come close I just tremble
And every time, every time you go
It’s like a knife that cuts right through my soul

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this
Must have been a deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burning to my skin
Only love can hurt like this
But if the sweetest pain
Burning hot through my veins
Love is torture makes me more sure

Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Must have been the deadly kiss
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Your kisses burning to my skin
Only love can hurt like this
Only love can hurt like this
Save me, save me
Only love, only love
‘Cause only love can hurt like this
And it must have been the deadly kiss

Songwriters: Diane Eve Warren

Only Love Can Hurt Like This lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

I’m away for work when I get a text from my neighbour telling me that I had flowers delivered & they are sitting in the sun. She knows I’m away for work & asks me if I would like her to take them to her house until I get back on Friday. I am dying to know who sent them to me. Noodle know’s I’m away so surely he wouldn’t send me flowers, but maybe he forgot I am away? I have been scheduling my trips to make sure that I am home on Tuesday nights to be able to see him, so it doesn’t disrupt our fucking schedule so maybe he forgot I was going away. If I ask him & it’s not him, he’ll be jealous & act like a tool. If it’s him & I don’t ask him, he’ll think I don’t care. I decide to just ask him if he sent them & he says no. My heart drops… But I can’t for the life of me think who would send me flowers. When Noodle replies to say that it’s not him, I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn’t send me flowers however, I am actually disappointed. He suggests that it was Max, being he’s back & being a weirdo with me. I dismiss this idea, I don’t want it to be Max, I want it to be Noodle. I get home on Friday & my neighbour comes rushing over with the flowers & they are from Max. FFS. I mean they are beautiful & I am grateful, but my first thought is, did he get his wife flowers? Does she know? & then I wish like hell that they were from Noodle, tbut then I am relieved that Noodle never comes over to my house anymore really, so he won’t see them. I don’t mention them again to Noodle.I see Noodle again on the Saturday for a lunch break fuck, nothing out of the ordinary for us. However it’s in the car somewhere around his work. On Monday we’re talking & being weird with each other, I don’t know if it’s because that stupid song I was listening too. I’m in a weird mood, we’re both being weird with each other & we’re snapping at each other a lot. I am trying not to write back to him as quickly as I usually do. Just letting his message sit there, which kills me & I hate that I am playing this game – but I do. Noodle asks me, ‘Do you wanna know something totally fucked?’ Oh FFS, what could he possibly say at this point, I’m already feeling shit about how we’re talking to each other at the moment, I feel like we are being distant (even though I only saw him 2 days ago for our usual Saturday lunch break – car sex in the backstreets around his work.) So whatever he could say to me now won’t surprise me. I’m sure I’ve heard it all before now anyway in this fucked up situation. So I text back ‘Sure,’ because as if I would say no anyway, but I wait with baited breath for his ‘something fucked’ message to come through. I can see that he is typing, so I keep my phone in my hand at my lunch break walking around work, it feels like forever for him to write it… It pops onto my screen, I stop dead in my tracks. I can’t read it, but I can’t look away….

Noodle’s words stun me:

‘I’m in love with you.’

#IBD4U

I’ve been asked a few times if I am worried about people reading this blog who are in my blog… Especially the people in this Noodle series… Well this is only my viewpoint & my opinion of what happened, there are always 2 sides to every story – in this case there’s 3 sides! I know my side very well, I’m only getting 1 side from Noodle obviously, however I know there’s another side in this story that I don’t know! I will say this though, that if I use quotation marks in any of my stories, it’s because I have screenshots of messages from the person who wrote to me & that’s a direct quote – complete with spelling errors! Hahaha… Most of my stories are from memories, text messages & pictures. So I am not worried about anyone reading & saying this is made up, because I have the proof that it’s not. My blog is completely non fiction & actually happen to me! Again I’m not proud of what I’ve done or how things have evolved in this story, but I think unless you’ve found this deep, passionate, earth shattering chemistry with a person, then you can’t really understand it fully. Personally, I probably would be sitting there thinking the same things as you guys, had I not experienced it first hand.

Anyway, my favourite part about our Tuesday nights together is the fact that when we go back to Noodle’s car, he doesn’t leave. He gets his phone, checks it & gets back into my car & we sit there for at least an hour or more, just talking. I never thought Noodle would be keen to just talk with me like this, but he obviously does otherwise he wouldn’t do it… We talk about everything, I open up about how I used to be, with the partying, how my life has been, he opens up about his life a lot more too. Our conversations now aren’t about people in the groups, like they were at the start, I guess mainly because that was the thing we had in common, but now they are about us, about our lives our past. I never talk about the future with Noodle face to face. Even though it’s dark & he can’t really see my face, I can’t ever bring myself to tell him in person how I feel about him or what I want from him.

Later that night, when I’m home in bed, I am chatting in the groups & tell them what I have been up too, I wish I could announce that it was with Noodle who fucked me in the carwash but we never admit that stuff in the groups. Noodle does make a comment though about how lucky the guy is & I agree. What a lucky guy who gets to fuck me in a carwash… & to think that someone passed on this opportunity! I wonder if Max regrets that now?!

Before we go to sleep that night, Noodle tells me that he’s tired as it’s after midnight, we’ve spent 3 hours together then chatting for about 2 hours post interaction, but says just before we go to sleep “Thanks for being so awesome #IBD4U! Your truly good to me” I am gobsmacked by this messages & laugh internally “OMG. Are you feeling ok?” Noodle never says stuff like this to me. “Night my super sexy slutty bitch” I laugh “Maybe you do need bed. Night” & I wait for his reply “Fuck you… xxx.” This makes me laugh again as I send my standard xxx back to him. This xxx thing has become a regular occurrence now – Noodle even doing it first sometimes… Fucking hell!

Noodle & I haven’t had a morning fuck for so long. It’s almost like I gave him a key & he gave up his fake iPhone app & I’ve had to make all the effort to go to him. But this next Friday morning at 6:30 am, Noodle is sneaking into my bed. I love morning sex, it’s probably my favourite time of day to have sex. A cheeky afternoon fuck is always fun too but I think there’s something to be said about waking up & fucking. While you’re still sleepy but horny, there’s nothing better sometimes!

We haven’t been able to fuck in our old favourite position that makes me squirt like a porn star, him on top, my legs on his shoulders, him pinning my arms to be bed, staring at me intently. I cannot move & have no choice but to be fucked by him, cumming within about 2 thrusts, I’m not even kidding, his cock shape hits that spot & the fact I can’t move, just gets me going… I do beg him to stop because I am conscious of how wet I am making the bed, but I think the begging him to stop just turns him on more & he keeps going. I mean lets be honest here, I don’t actually want him to stop or I would say red, the safe word, but he knows this too, while I am begging him to stop, it’s not what I mean… This is why safe words are very important. It’s a weird concept though, when you think about it…. Because I’m begging him to stop but don’t mean it, it could be misconstrued, I guess by an onlooker. However, Noodle & I have discussed limits & safe words at length however, I also think that if you’ve had these conversations, trust your partner & know your partner well, then you actually should never need your safe word. Your partner, the Top or Dom should be well equip to read your body to know when you are at your limit. Noodle is the only guy to really push me to my limits, always pushing the boundaries, but never enough that I would ever have to safe word him.

On that same Friday night, I go out with friends for a friends birthday & Noodle reads my message but never replies before he goes offline for the night & he never comes back online when his partner goes to bed & I am laying in bed waiting, like the loser that I am, for him to come back online for a little bit of his time. I am fucking furious, why does this piss me off so much! I always message him back even when I know that he’s offline with his family, but I got out with friends & he refuses to message me. On Saturday morning we have a fight about it, I am so pissed off that he refuses to message me when he thinks or knows that I am out or offline. It doesn’t happen very often that I am offline so I just want him to feel a little bit like I do when he goes offline to be with his family. But he is a stubborn ass & never replies & waits around for my message. He just logs off & refuses to respond. Wanker!We’re chatting a bit weirdly on Saturday, I’m angry & he’s paying attention to me but not really, I feel like he’s distracted. I try to initiate sexy talk but he doesn’t engage so I make myself cum, put my phone done & doze off back to sleep. We chat a bit on Saturday night, I head to my other gym (the same gym as him) at 10:00 pm, hoping that he will say to come visit him at his gym, but he doesn’t & I don’t get to talk to him much.

Sunday comes around & I am being stubborn, I refuse to look at his good morning message which came at 4:30 am till I know that he won’t be online. I am just fucking hurt, angry & feeling foolish. I can’t believe I am in this position & am so fucking perplexed about why I can’t pull myself out of this fucking mess… I am a smart woman, about to start studying law & I can’t sort my fucking love life out! We talk a little bit, I tell him that I came & fell asleep that’s why I didn’t talk to him much on Saturday, he then says night & I say night.

I wake up Monday to nothing from him & I know that he’s not going to message me, I fucking don’t want to message him either, but my fucking god, I can’t control myself. I message him morning & he replies. As we talk, I explain how I feel & he apologises for the weekend, this is the first time I actually think he’s sincere about an apology “No I am sorry. You think normally when I wake up for a piss I message you at 4:30. Believe it or not I don’t want to make you feel stupid or foolish. Nor do I want to hurt you or piss you off. Some lame ass reason  actually care about you. Even if I don’t always show it/can’t show it.” I ask if he means it & he says yes, I actually believe this apology. “You wanna know why I don’t message you when your out. Cos I don’t want to feel foolish. Don’t want to not get a message back while your distracted doing whatever your doing that night. Which in my head is fucking people. Hahaha. So I kinda get it from your point of view” OMG is he kidding me! How often do I have to reassure this guy? “I know!!! That’s why I said you don’t get it. I always feel like a fool but you refuse to let yourself so you don’t message me. You finally get it!” FINALLY! “I still feel foolish & make foolish mistakes. But jeez, I don’t let it get to me like you do hahaha.” Yeah because he has a partner & kid to distract him, he’s not sitting at home alone overthinking like I do, but it doesn’t get to him because he deosn’t reply so he doesn’t have to feel foolish, he says “Sometimes I do. I’ve had my moments, but I just don’t tell you” True, I can’t hold in my feelings sometimes when I get angry. I remind him “Today you didn’t want to continue the convo in case I didn’t want to talk to you… Cos you don’t want to feel like a fool. So instead it makes me feel more foolish.” Does he not get this? “No I was pissed at you & was being a jerk.”  Yeah well I knew that! I don’t know what he’s pissed with me for though.. “I was pissed you fell asleep sat… During the time we can chat… then pissed you ignored me Sunday morning. & then said nothing to me Sunday night & coldly said night to me. Yeah I have my lame moments too.” I mean on Friday night he didn’t even say goodnight to me, so how can he be upset that I said Night. Cold or otherwise, at least I said it! He tells me ”I just wanted to chat to you. I had missed you… Then I was like well fuck you bitch” he tells me that he wasn’t happy I disappeared & went back to sleep on Saturday again. I reply ”You have no idea how it feels to have you disappear for me… But I don’t do it to you on purpose. I know you don’t either but I’m sure it doesn’t feel the same for you since you’re off living your life” He’ll never feel the same as me on this. No matter what he says ”Half the time living my life thinking about you constantly tho. ” Awww FUCK!

I tell him that I don’t know that he’s thinking about me when he’s not with me. ”Considering I haven’t deleted the chat app for the last week & messaged you every chance I get. I’m just as loserish as you. ” Fuck that makes me laugh! ”I get you think that but I don’t know it… Even when you tell me, I don’t really believe it. ”  It’s hard for me to believe that he is thinking about me when he’s just logged off & not bothered to message me. & Fuck that he hasn’t been deleting the chat app, my fucking face is my profile picture, she’ll know what I look like should she find the fucking app! Jeez, he’s risking a lot. What if she asks for his phone, I’m fucked & so is he! ”What part of me telling you I have feelings for you do you not fucking get? ” Alright, jeez… hahaha. ”The same part you don’t get.” Hahaha, being that he still thinks I’ve fucking someone else. ”I fucking see you every time we can now? & even like the parts when we don’t fuck. Just chat & shit… Only problem is we have such fucking amazing hot sex it overshadows our friendship part” Hahaha, that’s true, it sometimes does which is why we end up in these fights. I tell him that we both fucked up on the weekend, lets just have sex & make up & he agrees. Saying that we’d be one of the couples who has sex to fix everything ”I’ll be shitty at you tho (rarely tell you I am) once I’ve cummed in you all is forgiven.”

#IBD4U

The next night Noodle & I meet at his work, he’s later than usual & so I go to the gym, but I decide to wear some sexy new red lingerie for him. I am not sure why I do this after how I feel, but I want to feel sexy. I am not sure he can even touch my clit today after the record breaking amount of orgasms I had yesterday but I fuck him anyway in the back of the car – not wanting to miss an opportunity to see him. How easily I forget the things he says to me & how easily I am willing to see him after I feel like a fool. What is wrong with my vagina?!

It’s like there’s a ticking time bomb with everything we say, we can’t be straight with each other anymore, he thinks things are a compliment but I am taking offence to the things that he’s says. He tells me “Don’t make me admit I have feelings for you again…” I tell him he doesn’t have to admit it, I know & it’s why he’s an asshole to me.

Do you guys remember Milky? I am telling to Noodle about fact that I am covered in Noodle’s cum from fucking him still & his cumming on my tits, the place he loves to cum the most. When I tell him how Milky used to jump up & shower pretty much right after we finished fucking. It used to weird me out a little, like I was so dirty that he had to shower, however with Noodle, I am a different kind of dirty, Noodle loves the fact I’m always covered in his cum “Ha I’ve slept next to my wife after fucking you… My cock covered in your cum… Kinda find it hot” Jesus it’s hot but fuck it’s so terrible that we did that… Probably more than once.

The next morning I wake up to messages from Noodle, I know he’s being funny being that I get messages like this all the time from guys on the chat app “Good Morning Beautiful. You have stunning eyes. Your eyes sparkle like the sea. Wanna meet up baby. Hi. Hi. Hi. Add me on Snapchat xxx” then he sends me a dick picture. & what makes me laugh the most about those messages, is that it’s exactly what some guys send to me, I’ve shown him before so he’s trying to lighten the somber tone we’ve been messaging each other the last week, I am smiling for the first time in a while. So I write back “My panties are so soaked. Your cum, my cum, my wet pussy… I wish you were sliding into me right now… Hard cock, wet pussy. Yep, just like that baby” he sends a heart eye emoji & says “Do you say that to all the guys” I tell him that it’s my standard response when someone asks for my snapchat & I’m laughing. He then asks me if my snapchat still has my real name as my user name & I can’t help but wonder if it wasn’t my real name, would he add me? Stupidly when I made my snapchat account I used my first & last name as the user name & you can’t change it, so I never give it out to anyone anymore once I realised. I wonder if it wasn’t my real name, would Noodle add me & just pretend I’m someone from his work. & because the messages delete, she’d never know & he could talk to me in front of her?! I never add him on snapchat so I’ll never know. But probably for the best to be honest.

Later on I am being needy again & probing him to admit he likes me without actually asking, he asks me why I keep asking him to admit his feelings for me, I tell him because I need to hear it but what I don’t tell him is that he needs to hear it. He needs to start to realise that I am more to him that just his slutty mistress giving him the best sex of our lives but I am someone he has genuine feelings for! He says that “Hmmm gotta keep my cards close to my chest” I think that it’s just insane, I’m the one that will be hurt here “I have to more than you do. I’ll get way more hurt than you will!” he says “You think I won’t get hurt?” I guess he’ll be hurt for a bit but “No. You’ve got your family. You’ve got your other life.” She’ll find out & he’ll forget me, making up lies to her about me to salvage his family – as much as I am playing over in my mind all the amazing things that could happen if he left her, realistically, he is never going to leave… What am I still doing with this guy? “You’re a part of my life now tho” OMG. That’s why! FUCK… I don’t think he knows what he’s saying but I stupidly lap it up “Awwww. I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. Ever.” I know what he’ll respond with, something about not meaning it “Errr. I mean. Whattt. Shhhh you.” I laugh at that, knowing that what he would say but then I get “I consider you a close friend & a lover. & yet it would hurt when I do lose you” FUCK… A lover?! Jesus… But did you pick up on the bit that stings?! ‘When I DO lose you’ FUCK. Meaning he is going to lose me no matter what… I’m such a fucking fool. One minute he says I’m part of his life, next he’s saying he’ll lose me! I am so confused… I mean I know he is & doesn’t think he is worthy of me, but fuck, I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year on a weekly basis… I mean if he doesn’t understand what I feel for him now, will he ever? Will I just be constantly reassuring him for the rest of my life if we get together?

This has also been around the time that Max has been messaging me, quite a lot actually, including joining groups to chat to me when I don’t reply to him. He has started calling me Angel as I have changed my profile picture to a snapchat filter, that I know that I look cute in but Noodle hates, so I put it up just to be annoying. But Max loves it calling me Angel or Muffin in the groups, so much so other people notice that he’s being a weirdo & a bit creepy with me. A few people say things to him, including Noodle that Max changes his name to Creepy Max. Noodle is so super jealous, I know he is, but he makes jokes out it. I have also kept to myself that Max is messaging me privately. I’m certain that Noodle would know that he has been messaging me but I haven’t told him per se.

So tonight when Max is saying goodnight, Noodle says the same to me privately “Night angel muffin” & I laugh because terms of endearment do not come easily out of Noodles mouth. I say “Night baby cakes” & he replies “Night belly bacon” This is hilarious. “That’s a compliment coming from you cos you lurvvvve bacon” I know that one of Noodle’s favourite foods is bacon, I actually learn later than his favourite food is ribs. I am also careful not to say the word love here too… I say lurvvve instead… He says “Well I do. Night frosted doughnut” his other favourite food, something he does love! I tell him that I bust out laughing & he says “Your doughnut needs my frosting on it. xxx” Fuck, Noodle just used my little kisses… So I send them back, smiling like an idiot as I snuggle down to sleep!

Things are sort of back to normal, just chatting normally every day while we can, we don’t talk much about feelings or anything like that, probably for the best. I am being cheeky on Saturday when I go to see him for lunch, I have just bought some g strings that have written on the back ‘Whore’ & ‘Slut’ I decide to wear the whore ones today for him & lift my skirt so he can see. I know that he won’t take them off my wanting to fuck me from behind to see my ass printed with whore. I used to find all things degrading like name calling or wearing something like this so bad & I used to hate stuff like this. But with this guy, I love it, I love how he reacts, I love how turned on we both get, it feels amazing when he calls me “his slut” or “his whore”, I don’t know if it’s just because he’s calling me “his” or because I know that he doesn’t call anyone else those things. I am his & he can do whatever he wants with me, to me, with me. I meet him at his work for lunch & I don’t tell him where we are going but I have plans to go to the hardware store & get him to buy cable ties, something we’ve also been talking about restraining me with. I am wearing a short dress & my whore g string, which I’d sent him a picture before I left my house so he knows what is under this cute summer dress. We’re walking around the hardware store & find the cable ties when he runs his hand up my leg to my ass… Fuck just that little gesture, makes me hot for him. I tell him we need to get out of here ASAP before the sight & feel of him makes me cum in the hardware store. He pays for the cable ties, which I find sexy too (I’m not sure why watching him at the checkout paying with his apple watch is hot, but maybe it’s the fact he’s buying something naughty for us to use.)

We drive to our usual Saturday spot & we get into the back seat & I first ride him till I cum & then climb off poking my ass in his face so he can actually see the whore g string. He squeezes my ass making that noise I love & he pushes me down to fuck me really hard, pulling my hair telling me that “You are my whore, cum for me” FUCK. As if on command, I cum really hard & I can’t stop even if I tried. I hear about these women, including his partner that stop themselves, well fuck, I don’t think I ever could. Especially with this guy, there is no way I could ever stop myself. & to be really honest with you, I wouldn’t even want to stop myself. I love cumming & I love cuming with him, he loves to watch me cum, feel me cum, so why wouldn’t I want to cum for him?

Noodle tells me that his son has found the spare iPhone that he uses to fake his location, in his car middle console (Why would Noodle keep it there?! Fuck he’s an idiot sometimes. He knows she goes through his car & gym bag.) His son asked what is was for & Noodle told his son that it’s a spare play phone for him to play with when they’re driving. His son gets excited about a play phone & I worry that his son will tell his mum about this phone in Noodle’s car. I think this is really risky, but Noodle doesn’t see it the same way as I do. However it’s around this time too that Noodle stops using the phone to fake his location because he had to name them something different & he asks me by sending me a screenshot if I notice that one has a capital letter for his first name & that the other had a small letter for his first name. I tell him that I notice that one phone is white & the other is black, which is what freaks him out more & he stops using it. Is this guy really worth the risk I’m taking?!

I tell Noodle about a fantasy of fucking in a car wash, I’ve told him this before to be honest & he’s always said he wants to do it. I had told Max about this fantasy but we never did it, when I suggested it, Max just sent me an emoji of a surprised face but then told me that he’d just washed his car. Well fuck, alright!

Noodle is super keen on the idea, we’ve been talking about it for a while & so this Tuesday night when I pick him up for work, we are planning to fuck in the carwash at the service station. I’m excited for even more daring sex, I mean the fact I’m fucking a partnered guy & could get caught any moment is hot as fuck of course, but the fact that we might get caught fucking in the carwash is super exciting. I skip the gym to be at his work early & the sun is still shining being early February, I wear a summer dress for easy access. I pick Noodle up & head to the local service station with a automatic car wash, we park & I go into buy a ticket, Noodle decides he’s hungry & orders Subway for his dinner. Standing next to him at subway, I feel awkward & we barely touch, but fuck I want to just reach out & grab him, cuddle him & have him do the same back. But I am self conscious about public displays of affection, one because someone from his work might walk in & two because I am just not confident sometimes that a guy wants me to touch them. & I don’t want to be all over them if they don’t want that… I need to get over myself to be honest because clearly he wouldn’t care at this point in our relationship, surely. But I am careful being that we are close to his work. But I feel the tension building as we stand so close, dribbling on about shit from the day to each other. His Subway takes forever, like I have never spent so long waiting for a fucking sandwich, even Noodle comments on how fucking slow they are. Is it just cos we’re so eager to fuck in the carwash or are they actual being slow? Hahaha.

We get his subway & I drive around to the carwash, where we have to wait for another car, Noodle scoffs his Subway while we’re waiting, which also seems like forever. There is a car behind us now too. This doesn’t seem to faze Noodle as we’re sitting there waiting, he tells me to suck his cock. I know I am here to fuck this guy in public but I feel conscious of sucking his cock in this twilight daylight until he takes it out & looks at me with a stern look telling me to suck it. So hot & sexy that I do. I don’t make him cum before the car in front of us finishes & as I sit up in the car, I notice a camera on us. Noodle again isn’t fazed but I am now worried that I’m not going to be able to go through with this.

I drive into the car wash & fucking hell, there is a glass wall on one side looking out to the small carpark & a fucking glass wall with the service station in it. It’s the back of the counter, there is no one there but I say to Noodle as the carwash starts, that I don’t think we should do this. He asks why & when I tell him why, he says just climb on my cock. I hesitate before he commands me to get out of the drivers seat & onto him in the passenger seat. I doubt with this much worry in my head, that I’ll be able to cum. Also surely the person behind us can see that I’ve just climbed across the seats. Isn’t this what you wanted though? To fuck in a carwash? However I never thought it would be as the sun was setting & with glass walls around me. However as I slide on Noodle’s cock, all of that disappears & I am riding him hard, popping my tits out of the top of my dress for him to suck my nipples. I am riding him longer than usual before he says “Cum for me” & as if on command, I do… How does he do that to me? A husky whisper in my ear & I do as I’m told… As the car wash finishes, Noodle hasn’t cum yet so we drive to another location & fuck again, until he cums all over me. I have to say that I reckon this is the hottest thing I have ever done, fuck in a carwash! So sexy, naughty & fun!!

#IBD4U

Max is back! I can almost hear the groans from you!

This will be a relatively short one today, for those who settle down with their morning coffee, it’s not one of those blogs today! Sorry.

Yep, He’s been in the groups again, not very successfully I must admit. He’s being creepy with me calling me weird things & then even changes his name on the chat app to Max Creepy. He messages “Good morning Sugar.” & all I write back is morning a few hours later then get nothing till the next day at about the same time “Good Morning precious.” Every message comes with an emoji too. The kissing cheek one or a flower – always an emoji of some sort. I mean this is confusing to me, not my feelings for Noodle but the fact that surely he knows from Sweetie & from me that I am seeing Noodle & he knows that I’ve told sweetie I have feelings for him. Surely he knows all that?

Noodle is in every group with me so he sees Max join the groups. They are both awkward with each other. Noodle is a complete ass to him all the time… I mean, considering that Noodle’s cock has been inside Max’s wife, it’s probably not a good idea to piss each other off. Maybe that’s what it is? Or is a pissing contest about me or her? I don’t tell Noodle that Max is private messaging me, but every day I get something from him. I don’t engage but he keeps trying.

Eventually one day, he messages me this “This probably sounds creepy. But I keep thinking about you being restrained and blindfolded, & running my fingertips down your cheek & all over your body, then slowly up your legs… Doing that over & over until you start to wriggle & moan” I will admit, that it made me kind of hot, but only because my thoughts were of  Noodle doing these things to me. Not Max.

I don’t write back to him at all, to be honest… The next morning “Busy tonight sexy girl?”  I ignore. I hate that I am ignoring but I don’t know why he doesn’t get the hint or have a conversation with Sweetie to find out there I’m at with Noodle.

The next day “Good Morning Petal” which I ignore too.

The next day “Good Morning Beautiful” to which I also ignore…I must accidentally click on the messages turning the D to an R & he knows I’ve read the bloody thing. He writes back again “How have you been? Is everything ok?”  I am not one to ignore, so I tell him that I’ve been good & that everything is fine. I am trying to be an nonchalant as I can but also disinterested so he backs off. He replies “Ok, ummm. In that case… are my messages unwelcome? If you prefer I leave you alone then I will.”  When I get that message, I feel bad to be honest, which is dumb after the way that he treated me only 8 or 9 months ago. I reply “Just don’t want to get involved with you again, you tell me one thing then do another… I’m happy with my situation & don’t want to jeopardise it.” He replies back “Ok, I’ll stop with the messages. I want to be friends still. Message me one day if you ever feel the same way.” Look to be honest, I was never really friends with him, he put in the effort, lots of effort, got what he wanted, got bored with it so then he changed the dynamic & pissed me off, which I think was justified on my part… Don’t just fuck me & call me your girlfriend if you really just want to be a slut like he said he does!

Max leaves the groups & I tell Noodle that he’d been messaging & I even send him a screenshot of the messages so he can see, because I know that Noodle wouldn’t believe me, I want to show him that I have nothing to hide. I have been cheeky with other people who’ve private messaged me, I will admit that, but I haven’t with Max. I want Noodle to know that. I want to prove that I am the loyal person that I thought I was & I know I deserve better than the snippet of time that I get with Max which is allowed to see me. I mean I see Noodle more than I saw Max & Max had permission to see me & a wife that really liked me, so the fact that I never saw him or that he stopped putting in effort, just left the path for Noodle to swoop in & be the guy who always writes back & sees me, no matter what it may cost him!

#IBD4U

Even though this week has been fucked for Noodle & I, he’s fought with his partner, he’s fought with me & we’ve been apart, unable to see each other. I haven’t enjoyed my weekend away with friends & family. I’ve been on my phone messaging him the whole time – I am excited to see him, even if it is only for a hug! But the thing that fucks me off the most about me having my phone in my hand all weekend, is that if he was away, I wouldn’t hear from him at all, it’s like I don’t exist. He puts down his phone & enjoys the weekend. I go away after fighting with him all week & I carry my phone around like my life depends on it, replying to him instantly! Again, foolish!

I think the only highlight this week was me buying a electric toothbrush, yeah I know what a fucking hoot! Noodle has laughed at me out too by saying that it’s about time I got up to 2018 & got an electric toothbrush. But I recall that he had a normal toothbrush when I saw a picture of his bathroom sink!

Oh yeah, this week has had the most amazing news for me too & I feel like I haven’t been able to even enjoy it or celebrate it. Late last year, I decided that I wanted to study law part time as well as work full time (I might be a fucking idiot!) However after applying for university for the first time in my life & actually applying for law school & I was accepted, in the first round! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK! But with all the shit going on with Noodle, I don’t get to tell him & I don’t even get to enjoy the fact that I had not only been accepted in to a university, but I was accepted to law school! OMG I am Elle Woods… Yet I don’t fucking tell anyone! I hate that the one person I want to tell, is having a crisis & I can’t tell him… I am a smart woman, but right now I feel like a fool & I feel so dumb. I don’t know what is wrong with me!

On the way home from the Riverland, I bring a friend home with me & for really the first time I confide in someone about the whole relationship with him. I have needed to talk to someone about it, especially this week & stuck in the car with her for a couple of hours, I can’t control myself, my words come out & I can’t stop myself. (She recently told me that when I was telling her about Noodle in the car, she was thinking what is #IBD4U doing with this guy but now that’s she reading the blog, she gets it! Thank you for telling me that!). But I am glad I talked to someone about it. I know every time I do talk to someone about it, I sound so defensive of him, I make excuses which I stupidly believe too.

I have river hair as the shack we stay at has river water in the shower, with my usually perfectly straightened hair or perfectly curled with a straightener, my hair is naturally curly today or aka a birds nest! I text noodle & ask if he wants to see me, which he jumps at the chance. Telling me his partner is at work, he’ll set his son up with his iPad & meet me in his driveway, for the hug we both need!

I pull into Noodles driveway & text him to tell him I am there, he comes out & gets in the front seat with me, we instantly hug. FUCK. I fucking feel like I might cry as the hug lingers… I never cry… As we pull apart we kiss on the lips, but hug again. Fuck I hate that we’ve had weird conversations this week, I have needed his arms around me, I want his touch, I’ve needed his touch. Not sexually, not that I would say no to sex with him but I fucking need his strong reassuring arms around me. Even though I know now, in no uncertain terms that, while he says I am worth risking his family for, I am not worth taking the risk to end it with his partner & trying to be with me. He is too scared of being alone, that I will never win in this situation with him.

We hug again, I really just need to feel him, however as we’re hugging, my hand slides between his legs & rubs him through his shorts. Next minute I have his cock out & in my mouth, sucking him till he cums in my mouth. I think this will be the end, but he slides his hands between my legs & under my bathers to finger me till I cum too… We talk a little about this week, we both apologise, I explain it’s the hormones from the morning after pill which he apologises for too & tells me that his brother’s wedding was really hard for him. We hug again before he has to go back inside. I feel better, but I also have in the back of my mind, that this is what we’ll always be… Me sneaking around for a split second of his time…Interestingly tomorrow, we have the whole day off together. Literally he’s told his partner he has to work all day when it’s really his RDO & I have arranged a 3sum for Noodle… I have said I will do this if he does 2 men with me, however he is so conscious of the size of his cock, that he pretty much won’t ever do that with me, I am almost certain of it. Sweetie is going to come over about 1:00 pm & I’m going to give Noodle the fantasy he’s always wanted. To be honest, because I’d arranged this weeks ago, is the only reason I am going through with it now, after the week we’ve had & how foolish I feel. I can’t believe that I am giving Noodle his number one sexual bucket list. Am I doing it because I think it will make him leave her?

Noodle says that he’ll be at work at 6:00 am & he’ll wait till his partner is at work at 9:00 am before he comes over to my house. I think that’s a wasted 3 hours & that if I’m awake I’ll go pick him up. Of course my body clock aka wet vagina, wakes me up at 5:30 am & I head to his work to pick him up so he can leave his phone in the car & we go back to my house. I haven’t gotten out of my pjs so I crawl back into bed when we get back to my place. We have sex multiple times, Noodle insistent on making me cum multiple times – not that this is a problem… I don’t realise at the time, but he is keeping count. Remember my record?! Hahaha.

When we get up & end up in the lounge room, I’m almost trying to get away from Noodle but he keeps making me cum, I get no rest. Eventually we just lay there & he massages me, rubbing me all over like his hands can’t stop touching me. About 9:00 am his says we should go get his car & his phone so we drive back to his work & pick up his car. When we get back to my house he makes me cum multiple times again, this guy isn’t going to give up!

Does anyone eat Halo Top ice-cream? (I’m not paid to sponsor them, but I could if anyone I know works for them!! Hahaha!) It’s a low calorie ice-cream which is about $10 a tub however it’s delicious & Noodle has been telling me about it, I’ve become obsessed & trying every flavour however I bought the almond flavoured one & it is fucking disgusting! It takes like gross marzipan & I can’t stand it. I’ve been telling Noodle about it for weeks & said he can try it & take the tub. However when I give him a spoonful he acts like I have given him poison & he races to the sink spitting it out telling me how ‘rank’ it is! I literally can’t stop laughing!

We decide that we will go out for lunch & we go to the Mexican restaurant that’s close to my house that’s just opened, it’s like a take away. We eat in there too, because I don’t want to just hang around my house. This is the closest thing I will ever get to a date with Noodle. I relish in this moment, I love the time we have together that is just about sex, while I want to fuck him all the time, I really love this time with him. Actually getting to know him… I tell Noodle that I will message Sweetie when we’re ready for her, we go home & he’s brought 2 drinks with him, I guess to calm the nerves. I’m sitting on the kitchen counter having a drink with him too when exactly 1:00 pm, Sweetie knocks on the door & says hello. Noodles face is priceless & he freaks out. I laugh & just say it’s Sweetie.

This is the first time Noodle has met a friend of mine, they know each other from the chat app of course, but no one has even seen Noodle & I together… I know how submissive she is with her husband in these situations & I know I get awkward too. I am 100% certain that Noodle will be weird & not be able to be his dominant self because he’ll be thinking he looks stupid, so I know that I will have to take charge here. I offer Sweetie a drink but she says no. We stand around talking until I make a move on Noodle & he lifts my skirt when I say I have a nice ass & they both agree. I kiss Noodle then I walk into my bedroom & take off my dress, undressing Noodle as he we go, I push him on the bed & turn back to Sweetie who’s taken off her clothes too. I kiss her, because I know that Noodle will want to see that & then I get out his cock & suck it. Sweetie follows suit & sucks his cock too, I’m looking at Noodle & seeing him enjoy it so much, I am surprised I am not jealous of this at all. I ride Noodle while kissing Sweetie, then I get a condom for them to use & Noodle fucks her. I am kissing Sweetie still & asking Noodle if he likes that being that both of them are being mute! They seem to enjoy the sex they have & then we move to Sweetie going down on me & Noodle forces his cock in my mouth, I cum again several times… We’re all laying around as we’re finished when there is a knock at the door & because I have left the screen door shut but the wooden door open, a woman’s voice says “hello” I think nothing much of it, but both Sweetie & Noodle freak out, Sweetie suggesting that it’s his partner & Noodle literally going white as a ghost. Freak out over, it’s the postie dropping off a parcel. Hahaha. I go back into my bedroom & laugh at the 2 of them freaking out about someone at the door.

Sweetie goes home afterwards & Noodle & I take it down a notch by having a bath together. Again I literally love having a bath with him. We talk about the fact that this day was probably a bit ambitious being that my clit can barely take anymore.

We’re sitting there talking, it’s still early he has about another hour but I get to the bottom of the fight Noodle had with his partner. She had said to him that he doesn’t look at her the same way or touch her the same way anymore. In fact she even accused him of having a girlfriend… He never told me that till bit later, because he said that I was being shitty & emotional. Well fuck, he was being emotional too… Something was in the air. I mean he’s told me before that I change when I’m away for work & I know I do, because I am starting to resent the fact that I am away from him, he has limited time to see so imagine me only having limited time too. I fucking hate that he could’ve seen me & I was away for work! I used to love my job, I don’t want to resent it because of a man. I tell him that I am not worth risking his family, but he says “It’s a hard choice but it’s worth risking. But I am biased, you just gave me a 3sum” I don’t think I understand the logic here, but I guess at this point, she isn’t going anywhere, if she genuinely thinks he has a girlfriend & she hasn’t left him, then clearly she is going to put a fight if he does try to leave her. He jumps up & leaves & I feel like he just ruined the whole day. He’s made my cum 39 times, beating my record by 11 (He’s super proud of himself by the way! Hahaha) & we’ve bathed, had a 3sum, a date & then he’s just made me feel like an idiot… His partner notices that he’s not into her the same way as he used too… Meaning if he’s not looking at her the same way, is he looking at me the way he used to look at her? I tell him I’m not shitty but he says that I’m being kinda distant. He says that he told me that because it’s a compliment that he doesn’t look at his partner the same way, but does he not get that hurts that she’s noticing it & yet he won’t leave her? I just say I’m tired & his partner will be home soon so I don’t want to go into it when he doesn’t have the time so he should just ignore it but he says he wants to know but not to go into it now, like a typical male!

#IBD4U

So things are a little weird between Noodle & I since we said we have feelings for each other, we went out of our way to say that we aren’t in love with each other so many times, that it makes me suspicious about our feelings. Like who says that many times “I’m not in love with you.” Seems like we’re hiding something…

I talk to Noodle about what I would want out of a relationship & how I think it would have to have some sort of openness to the relationship, especially since I have already done what I’ve did, I realise that I am not as loyal as I thought I was. I am not sure people can be completely monogamous, so not only would a guy probably want to cheat on me eventually, but apparently I would also want to do that to him too – maybe? I hope not, but I have done this to Noodle…

“If we were in a relationship for example, it would be open in some way right.. So just think of this an open relationship. Regardless what I do outside of us two, I still come home to you” I am hoping that Noodle understands what I mean here… I also tell him about what I’ve been thinking of lately about an open relationship “I was thinking about my open rules the other day on my drive & thought how hard it is to find someone to fuck a random. So I’d let him host his random fuck at our house as long as they only had sex in the spare bed, no where else in the house & she didn’t sleep over… This is while I’m away of course. Most couples say their own home is a no go zone. But I know how hard it is to find somewhere to host so, I’d let him use the spare room… But TBH I don’t think a guy is gonna wanna fuck anyone else with me for a while.” he agrees “Haha I tell you what I’m not really interested in anyone else, you take care of a mans needs very well!” While definitely would go through with this eventually with a partner if they wanted to, it’s also a bit of a test to see if they really would want to do it. I think if you give them the option for an open relationship, it’s takes the excitement of cheating out of it… (I may have something wrong with me, hahaha) But honestly it’s part of the hotness between Noodle & I that it’s naughty & exciting, the fear of being caught. If you take that out of it, would we be as hot? Would it be as exciting or self-destructive, maybe?

I decide to be honest with Noodle about a guy in the group that’s been hitting on me a lot lately, this isn’t new, we’ve chatted so many times when his partner is ok with it. I know that if I ever fucked this guy, it’s a complete deal breaker for Noodle – he’s told me that before. He won’t ever be ok with me fucking him, so I decide to be honest that I have been chatting to him. However, with this weirdness going on this week, me being away & not able to see him, I probably shouldn’t have, Noodle snaps “So should of fucked Destiny when you told me not too” OMG, is he fucking kidding me? “Fuck you” As I go to put my phone down because that is a low blow, I get “I backed off stupidly for you. Dumbass me.” I reply “Actual fuck you Noodle” Fuck I want to punch him in the face right now. “Clearly I can’t be honest with you like I thought I could… If you’re gonna say shit like that to me, best we just leave it here for a bit. I’ve got a meeting at 10 anyway. Talk to you later” I close down the app & I am seething! I have never been so angry in all my life! I know Noodle is a douche & says ridiculous things to me all the time to make me angry, but I have never not wanted to talk to him before. I can’t even be bothered trying to boost his ego right now. He can fuck off! WHAT A WANKER! My phone beeps likes crazy for several messages he sends to me, but I ignore them all. I focus on work & just try not to think about. But of course, I never stop thinking about it…

After work, I know he’s offline so I finally read his massages as I want to think about my reply to him before I say something I regret. He writes “Argh. I get jealous sometimes & I’m a dick. Sorry… It obviously hurt me you said yes & would of despite how I would but it’s ok. I can accept that. I’ll be nice from now on… You can be honest with me.” Is he serious? It’s almost like he only reads what he wants to read sometimes. I would’ve met this guy before Noodle & I were serious, but I didn’t. “I said I would’ve way back when but you said it’d absolutely piss you off so I never entertained the thought in my own mind after that…! I’d rather keep fucking you than have a one night stand with him…! I haven’t fucked anyone else in months because I only want you! So fuck you for saying that about Destiny.” If this is how he reacts to me chatting to the guy, imagine what he’d do if I actually met him? He writes back quicker than I expect him too being that he should be offline. “Haha you know it would fuck me off that it was in your mind in the first place. Even when I told you. It’s all good…” OMG if he says part of the deal, I am going to snap! “Just because I think it, doesn’t mean I’m going to go through with it…! I’m certain you still think about fucking other people while fucking 2 women already. It’s human nature… I don’t think we’re built to be monogamous! It’s just if we act on it. & I haven’t since I saw how upset you got with the Shark & Leblek debacle” He can’t deny that he’s never thought about fucking other people, I mean he wants a fucking 3sum with me, so of course we all think about fucking other people… “Hahaha, didn’t get upset over that. Just slightly jealous. & annoyed I had gone near you after you had gone near her STD riddled body. Always said you could fuck whoever you want… Just not Holden.” OMG. He did get upset over it & he never believed me that I never fucked them & I have had an STI check which came back clear – as I always do… & he knows this too… I told him I had a check. “& I haven’t!” I never went near Holden. “& You were fucking a few people while you know I had Destiny lined up & I backed away. Just for you! Think I’m pissed cos you would of regardless how I felt about it. I’m sorry. Having a dumb moment. Your way to good to be fucking me.” Yeah well he has that right – I am too good to be fucking him, now I wish I was in front of him to punch him in the face & I’m not a violent person! “I can’t change what I did. I have a history, a past. I’m only human, I don’t make the best decisions all the time. I never wanted to get attached to you, I usually fuck more than one person so I don’t catch feelings… But look how that turned out… Here I am in a fucking stupid situation, not fucking anyone else while you fuck someone else all the time..!” Fuck you Noodle, he can’t deny this! “Haha it’s not very often I can assure you. Sorry for being a douche” I think that gets him to see my side of this finally “Doesn’t matter… You still do…! But I thought about fucking someone else ages ago & you say really hurtful things to me! Although I guess that’s not the worst thing you’ve ever said to me, but that was below the belt!” I hope he realises how ridiculous he is sometimes “I don’t mean to say hurtful things” He may not mean too, but he does. “I know… & I don’t mean to say things that make you jealous… I don’t want to make you jealous. Thought that was quite clear being I’m not seeing anyone else.” His reply infuriates me even more “You should see other people.” Fuck off, I’m going to sleep!

It’s like we admit we have feelings, not of love, of course but then he has to be an asshole to me to prove it’s not love? Or what is it? I know it’s been a hard weekend for him with his brothers wedding, he’s told me that no one in his family likes who his brother is marrying & he said that the wedding was awkward & all about her family. Noodle & I are still a bit weird with each other too, I am realising that he is never going to leave his partner, just after some comments & some things they’re doing. But I need him to know “Just cos I’ll never ask you to leave your partner for me, doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about what it be like if you were single.” I almost don’t want him to reply, just ignore what I just said “Well that’s the hard part for me, I’ve considered leaving her for you. & doesn’t help when you tell me how amazing you’ll be.” Doesn’t he already know what I’d be like? He’s almost known me a year, I haven’t changed. I ask him if he prefers me being a bitch but he says no that he likes me being nice to him when I reply “I’m actually probably be a cunt to you… Telling you this shit though. I don’t want you to leave & you regret it. It’s why I’ll never ask. But don’t think I haven’t thought about it. Or want to explore it…” While I’ll never actually come out & ask him to leave, I hope that this is enough for him to know that I am interested enough that if he does leave, I want him. “You are in some very very dangerous territory with a married guy miss #IBD4U.” I tell him that I am very aware of this, but I figure that I need him to know that even though I’ll never ask, it’s what I want, I want him to leave her… He tells me “Your meant to just use me for sex” with an emoji tongue sticking out, I reply “You’re meant to just use me for sex… Look how well that turned out” Noodle tries to change the subject “Used you just for sex yesterday. Snuck in, fucked the shit out of you & left” but what he forgets is, what he does at the end “You still gave me a passionate kiss goodbye… That’s not being used…!” I got him there “Ahhh Dammit! Shhh You!” Hahaha, told ya! “Yeah it’s not one sided here!” Even though he won’t admit it. “You passionately kissed me back” yeah I did. “Never said I didn’t…!” I then ask him if he’d rather I didn’t tell him this stuff, I don’t want to confuse him but he says “No tell me whatever you want. I don’t mind it” I know that it confuses him but I also know how his mind works & that he needs this type of reminder from me, about how in this I am! “I just don’t want to confuse you… You have to make a decision for you. If you leave her, you have to leave her regardless of what may or may not happen with me…” I mean if we’re not sneaking around, would we be this hot? “There’s a chance nothing will happen with you, who knows. You could hate being around me more than 4 hours haha. Can’t count on that can I?” I can’t believe how scared of being alone he is, which is why I know he’ll never take the risk on me. FUCK! Mother fucker… I am so stupid! “Yeah exactly. I mean I doubt it though, since I get grumpy when you don’t fuck me or when you don’t talk to me” Shit… I am just a fucking mistress… I will never be more… His feelings for me are just because he doesn’t want to be alone… “Hahah, Awww do you? Someone really likes me” I tell him to shut up.

We are both still in this weird mood. I have extra hormones running through my body which have in the past made me nuts, remember the Origin debacle…. I know I am acting crazy & I can’t help it. I am hating having these conversations as they are making me feel shit about our future, a future I have built up in my head, a future of us together… But he has dashed all those hopes in a single sentence… ‘Can’t count on that, can I?’ FUCK! I am gutted… Seriously gutted! I feel like such a fool… I think feeling foolish is the worst feeling in the world… I am so dumb.

He finally tells me why he’s in a weird mood, he’s had a massive fight with his partner & instead of calling her his wife to me, which he ALWAYS does (even though I hate it as they’re not actually married), he has been calling her his partner. He doesn’t really tell me what it was about but it makes me think this is going to be over & he’ll be with me. He even slept on the couch. This is a side I’ve never seen of him before, he says that he actually wants to see me & wishes I was in Adelaide, when I tell him that I‘d come & give him a hug if I could. His response surprises me, since neither of us are hugging type people “Yeah I need one” WHAT? Does he really? I feel like my heart breaks a little… He tries to lighten the mood by saying that he thinks I want a hug for myself too “Well I will say, the hug is not completely for selfless reasons!” I tell him I’ll be back in Adelaide on Sunday & I could come see him, but he says he’ll be at home, I say that sucks but he says that his wife will be at work, so could sneak one in the driveway. Noodle is calling her his wife again, which kills me a little… Clearly they sorted out their shit… I am gutted all over again! A small glimmer of hope, for just a spilt second!

#IBD4U

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Noodle finally believes me that I had keys cut for him but he continues “I put myself down & refuse to think I’m good enough to deserve all this, especially since I’m not the first guy, I don’t think I’m as good looking as I act & I have no confidence with my body or cock.” This I already know, I mean I constantly have to reassure him about his cock, but it surprises me that he doesn’t think he’s as good looking as he acts because, my god, this guy can be arrogant sometimes! “Well regardless if you deserve it or not, you’ve got it. I do think you deserve it though. Or I wouldn’t do it with you.” I’ve told him before that I don’t just do kinky stuff with just anyone, guys have to earn that from me “Haha Yeah I know you withhold all the goodies from guys unless they deserve it. I know you don’t let anal happen straight away for example. Even tho you do enjoy a good ass fucking from time to time. So if I a guy asked to fuck you in the ass, cum on your tits first fuck, what would you say?” He knows the answer to this already, he doesn’t need to ask me. “I’d say no way douche.” There is no way I’ll allow a guy I don’t know or trust do anything kinky, I mean I am still a good fuck, first time, but they need to earn the tit or ass fucking. “Haha, Mind you, you were asking me to fuck you in the ass by like the 4^th time… & to cum anywhere I want by like the 2^nd or 3^rd time hehe” Yeah I did that… He knows why, “I wasn’t sure how long we’d have, never thought we’d be fucking almost a year so wanted to give you the things you hadn’t had or don’t get to do with your partner” I never thought we’d get through a few weeks being that he’s tracked so closely. “You give me so much more, fuck sex with you is good. I know I can do whatever I want to you. & You’ll love it & let me do it. Your body is mine” Fuck… Oh My Fucking God… He’s right… It is… My body is his!A few days after Noodle’s birthday, we don’t see each other Tuesday night being he is on holidays, however I have Thursday off so we arrange to meet at my house after he drops his son at child care. Noodle has asked me before to wear this white dress that I had for my nieces christening, it’s sort of a white lace overlay dress that is really short & shows off my hour glass shape & when I had the picture as my profile picture, every single guy messaged me to ask me to fuck them in it, including Noodle! Hahaha. I decide that I will wear this dress for him today. I am up early, trying to work out if I will wear white sexy lingerie I just bought under it or nothing. I spend ages getting into the lingerie, then put on the dress. But I wonder if it’s too much, as in too many things all at once, that I take off the lingerie & decide to meet him bra & pantie less. Ironically I almost didn’t buy this dress because I didn’t really like it on the rack but the lady made me try it on then it was perfect. I’ve asked Noodle why he likes it so much & he tells me it’s sexy because it’s white & hugs my hour glass figure. He doesn’t know that I am going to be wearing this dress when he rocks up today either, I get some high heels & place them by the door as I race around to get ready. When he walks in the door without knocking, I am standing there in the lounge room & that look, fuck I love that look when he sees me! I feel like that is part of the reason I am still in this mess, that look is fucking amazing. It makes me feel so fucking good that I can’t ever stop fucking this guy! I must admit, I do look hot AF, I have done my hair & make up, wearing fancy jewellery, I feel good & the reaction is exactly what I wanted & pictured. He kisses me instantly, running his hand quickly up my leg to my bare ass which he squeezes & moans!

Noodle leans me back on the couch & edges me, like he’s never done before. I mean he’s edged me of course, but today he somehow gets me right to that point of no return then stops. He’s also videoing a lot & I am swearing at him calling him a prick. He chuckles, which he knows I hate but also find super sexy. He then ties my hands behind my back & continues. I beg him like a maniac to make me cum, I tell him that I want to cum for him, that I can cum multiple times & he says that he will let me cum, but he wants me to cum hard. FUCK. He makes me suck his cock while he videos & he also rubs my clit again getting me to the edge before he stops. I cry out “FUCK YOU” & again he chuckles to which I tell him that he is not funny. But he says that the thinks he is. Asshole! I am begging even more, which I know turns him on, fuck everything I say if it’s an insult or a complaint or when I am being sweet trying to get him to make me cum, turns him on. There is nothing I can say that will get him to make me cum. When he finally does, he’s fucking me hard, with my hands tied behind my back. I am cumming so loudly & hard that I can’t even stop it if I tried. He makes this noise, as if he can feel me cumming on his cock while it’s inside me.

Next Noodle gets me to sit up, still my hands tied behind my back & he has his cock in one hand & the phone in the other. He tells me to open my mouth & I know what he is about to do. He wants to cum in my mouth & video it. We’ve talked about this before. I am excited for this, I want to see this from his perspective too, so I am looking forward to watching it. He videos while jerking himself & then he cums hard in my mouth. I swallow like the good girl I know he wants me to be & lick my lips as he finishes. Leaning forward to take his cock fully in my mouth once he’s done, I know he’s really sensitive so he tries to pull away so I suck really hard as he pulls his cock out of my mouth, to which he makes the noise I love.

We fuck a couple of times that morning, eventually getting naked, which is fucking hot a always but later when I send him the videos he says “So glad I videoed that” With 6 heart eye emojis. “Fuck you’re awesome #IBD4U. Thanks for being a dirty little slutty mistress to me. That shit is so fucking hot!” I tell him that I just watched it at work with headphones on & now I’m turned on. He says “You are a good little slut” & I send back my signature “xxx” & to my surprise I get the same back with 3 kissing cheek emojis. I am shocked by this reply & says “I think you mean it this time?!” & He says “I do” with another kissing cheek emoji! FUCK…

As you all know I struggle with self-esteem & while I used to be really big, over 100kgs, I have had a steady weight for a while, hovering around a size 10 to 12 from a size 18- 20, so I have worked hard & finally feel good about myself, but it’s still quite high weight (number) in my eyes, however because I work out I do have a lot of muscle – which everyone tells me weighs more than fat. I mean I still have a lot of fat but I’m toned. One night feeling shit about myself telling Noodle about my recent weigh in he says “You have a sexy toned ass, sexy ass hour glass body & great set of tits for your age. You are incredibly beautiful woman despite slightly heavy on the scales. Your mid 30s too, your weight is probably average. I couldn’t fuck a fat obese chick” WHAT. “For my age… Could’ve left that out!” He laughs but I know that he’s trying to be nice to me but he struggles with giving compliments, just as much as I struggle accepting them. But he just call me beautiful?!

I go away to Port Lincoln, it sucks big time because I know that Noodle is off work this week, but there is nothing I can do I have to go which means I can’t see him. I have while I’ve been away been taking the sugar pills of my contraceptives to get my period while away since I always skip it. I figure that I should have it one in a while & I’m not seeing him for a week so it’s perfect timing. But when it doesn’t come, I start taking the pill again to stop it from coming. I know Noodle is queasy about blood. I am driving the whole way home on Friday morning. I suggest to Noodle that I get up really early, like 5:00 am & drive home so that I am home to see him in the afternoon. He tells me that he’ll go get his haircut & meet me at my house.

I get up really early, putting on some sexy lingerie & take a photo telling him I’m on my way home. A few hours into the drive, Noodle finally wakes up & messages me good morning. He tells me that he’s going to do a few things then will go straight to my house. He’ll be there when I get home, I love this idea. I mean he’s going to be there, I can walk in & say “Honey I’m home” & kiss him hello. After driving 7.5 hours almost without stopping, except for a toilet break, I am home. I walk into him freaking out about crumbs on the table & trying to clean it up. We fuck a few times, which is always hot, ending up on the couch. At one point, Noodle pushes me up against the wall face first & with one of his legs between my legs he plays with my nipples until I cum… I know it’s something he’s wanted to try but we haven’t had the time, it takes a while usually, however with Noodle, I cum almost on his command! Because this weekend is his brothers wedding, he tells me that his partner won’t see him naked & I because I’ve wanted to spank his ass, he lets me. I like switching sometimes & being the dominant one. He says it doesn’t hurt that much but it doesn’t turn him on like it does me. I take a picture of his ass which is red with prints from the paddle I use. He says he kind of likes that, but later he tells me that his ass didn’t bruise like mine, well no one bruises like me! Hahaha.

I don’t see Noodle for another week. I am again away for work & then staying in the Riverland at a friend’s shack for January long weekend. I have actually been a bit worried about the fact we don’t use condoms & the fact that I messed with my pill last week, that when I get there I go to a pharmacy for the morning after pill. I tell Noodle this is what I’m doing & he asks me why & says that he wouldn’t have cum inside me if he knew, but I explain it’s just a precaution. It’s probably ok, but I am not taking any chances. However I am scared about how mental it makes me, so I warn him!

I am also excited to be taking my kayaks up to the river to go in the water & it kind of spikes something in me & I tell Noodle that I would love to go kayaking with him, but he says that he’d be really uncoordinated. I reckon he’d be feeling pretty stupid but I think he’d do a good job, he’s worried that he’d fall out, but no one has fallen out with me yet & I have life jackets. I just never know how Noodle would explain going kayaking to his partner. “I meant what I said today, you know about the kayaking & stuff… I do always want to invite you just don’t know how you’d explain it… Or to the group drinks… I so want you there” He takes a little while to respond “You did?” I’m confused “Did what?” when he replies mean it, that I want to take him kayaking, I tell him yes I truly did mean it. “Hmm, maybe I believe you” FINALLY! “I probably like you more than I should for the other woman. But you’ve become a really good friend & I like to hang out with my friends… I don’t get to do that with you” It actually makes me sad that I don’t get to do this stuff with him. “Oh thank god I’m not the only idiot that thinks you’re a good friend” That makes me smile like an idiot! I say I’m a loser & he says sucker, then we say goodnight. I am glad to have some clarity from him about his feelings for me.

But this week away is weird, he starts telling me “Your awesome #IBD4U , don’t forget it. Don’t let me hold you back either. As long as you do what you want” I tell him that I do do what I want, but he is in a mood… but I still tell him that “I want to fuck you more but I also want more than being the other woman” Fuck, why did I hit send on that, I’m away for work, he’s being a little weird because of his brother’s wedding this weekend & I can’t see him. “Wait, are you getting feelings for me?” Ironically Sweetie had just asked me the same question & while I believe the response I gave her, I also know it wasn’t entirely true. He asks me what I told her “I said that I’m not in love with you but I guess I could be if things were different. I mean I’ll definitely miss you if we stop talking or seeing each other that’s also cos I do value your friendship.” He replies “I wouldn’t say I’m in love with you either but I do have feelings for you & yeh do miss talking to you” Are we really just lying to each other? Because we keep saying the same thing over & over “Same… How can we not have some sort of feelings…? We have such chemistry. But is it love? I don’t think so… Could it be if things were different, yeah probably” then he says “Love is a strong word.” I agree & say that I don’t want to stop seeing him or talking to him. “Yeah I’m the same. & I do care about you & think of you often. & get super shitty when I’m not able to talk to you as much as I was hoping” Fuck, he’s told me this before, but it’s hard for me to believe that he gets angry when he can’t talk to me. “You are so worth it & deserve a partner that loves you. You have no idea how fucking amazing you are tho. & a fucking sexy little bitch sometimes too. Don’t forget that.”  I tell him that my biggest fear is never being loved, he knows this, I’ve shared this with him before, I am petrified that I will die without having been in love. Honestly even writing that makes my eyes water, I fucking hate that I might actually die one day & never having felt the feeling of loving someone & being loved in return. He tells me that I would make a good wife “What the fuck did I do to you? You promised me you’d never get feelings! Loser” I laugh & know that I did say that to him “Well I didn’t think I’d still be seeing you a year later… & you said you’d never get feelings for me either!”

#IBD4U