Marvel #9

I think a few of your comments have summed up this story. It’s boring! It’s the same old same old story. As much as I know that I shouldn’t be involved in this, I have to see it though. I have to see what happens. I cannot pull myself out of it. I want too. But fuck the sex is so good & as you’ve read, there has never been anyone else I’ve ever felt like this with. Not though lack of trying, I am now dating the same fucking men I’ve dated before in the hopes that they will be something more than what they were the first time.

I am so embarrassed that I have gone back to Motocross again, I am embarrassed at the calibre of men that I seem to be meeting, that I seem to date that never want to have a second date with me… I spent the last few years writing about my love life, making a joke of it, making fun of how ridiculous it is… How can this stuff keep happening over & over again to the same person? This isn’t funny anymore. I have stopped finding ways to make a joke of it – this is one of the reasons I am ending this blog, it’s just not funny anymore…

Sorry to put a dampener on my blog, I know I am usually upbeat about the stories, but it’s hard to be upbeat about this one – Marvel spends less & less time online, which I have come to terms with. I figure that I know what I am getting with him & if I am ok with that, then I have to accept this or move on.

I have a fair few notches on my bedpost, I don’t want to keep adding to that & so if I want to have sex, good sex, mind blowing sex then Marvel is my access to off the charts sex. I know what I am getting with him. He is not committed to me, he probably lies to me this time around, but it is what it is…

His first wedding anniversary is coming up, I assume I won’t hear from him or see him for the rest of this month but to my surprise he invites me over less than a week before & luckily being still unemployed, I am running my little hobby business but I don’t do much besides trying to train two puppies, with a friend & her baby living with me, while also fighting a legal case but besides all that, I am free whenever he asks basically. Hahaha!

We have sex on his couch, it’s always amazing – I honestly have no new ways to describe the sex with Marvel & the word amazing doesn’t seem to do it justice. Every time we touch there is electricity that never dulls, every time we kiss I can’t imagine myself kissing anyone else – even when I do, I usually think of Marvel. Every time we collide it’s like no one else in the word has ever had sex this way before…

A sporadic catch up a few weeks later, he’s made a little bed up on the floor again with his sons mattress covered in towels but I walk in the door & he pushes me against the wall – I love when he does this, making me saturated as he dominates me with a simple push aganist the wall with passion… We all 69 for the first time in a long time & I realise how much I love his cock in my mouth while he is sucking on my clit… I can barely control my moans, he always says though that he loves when I moan on his cock, something about the vibrations…

I really am not doing very well at describing our sex or our time together, like I used too… It’s so hard because as much as I am in love with him & I can see the love I his eyes, we don’t express it… Ever. I think that hurts me more than I ever let on. I always say that it is what it is & it is, but I still want this man.

When I talk to a friend of his from the chat app, that I become friends with after I have a little melt down thinking she is fucking Mavel but I find out that she isn’t & she’s married but seeing a single guy also but she won’t leave her husband because she’s scared he will kill her & the kids – what a shitty situation. I can see why her & Marvel have become friends. But when she asks me what I want from Marvel, I am honest. I know I want Marvel – I want him in my life. He isn’t ready for me. He may never be ready for me. But at this point in my life I am not willing to give him up. I have made the difficult decision to live like this. I choose this life. I choose to be the mistress rather than walk away.

Something will change one day, I’m sure of it. If that be him leaving his wife or me walking away again, something will change, but for now as I explained to our now mutu friend when I ask her, would you rather have them in your life or not at all? If this is the only way I can have him in my life for now, then I am willing to deal with that.

I may have put this song on the blog before so apologies if I have already talked about this, but almost a year into the third affair, I still make the decisions to stay where I am, to stay involved with this man. This song I send to her & I listened to on repeat after I found it, the lyrics… The fucking lyrics! Every time I try to get my shit together I just can’t walk away. I’ve tired… So until I can stop being so weak, this is what I settle for. I won’t stop looking for something real, something other than Marvel, but for now if this is the way I can keep him in my life, I am willing to be this pathetic woman letting a man walk all over her.

#IBD4U

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