Pregnant?

I know what you must be thinking, what the fuck, how can #IBD4U be pregnant. Didn’t I read the blog about her getting her tubes tied.

Why, yes, yes you did… I did about 2 years ago, I had my tubes clipped shut. The pain from that was excruciating. Every period since is painful. I am like clockwork, every 24 days for 3 days, I have my period, I always log it in an app so I know when I’m going to get it but to be honest, without taking hormone pills to control my period, not only have I lost weight, I also am very aware of my cycle & my body. I can feel when I am ovulating, I can feel when I am about to get my period. I have become a huge advocate for women not taking hormones.

But there is something else… I have terrible heart burn, so I go to the dr’s for medication that I used to take when I was really fat & had heart burn all the time – due to how much sugar I consumed… I didn’t think much of this at the dr’s visit at all… I haven’t been eating that well, so I put it down to that.

I had my period in early June when I saw Marvel last. Then I saw him late June. I know that she’s taken 3 weeks off because they now have a schedule on their wall of both their shifts – even though hers never change. So I don’t see or hear from Marvel most of July, it doesn’t bother me like it used too, I am not as attached as I once was to him. At the end of July, my app pings to tell me that I am 10 days late & I need to log my period.

OH HOLY FUCK STICK!

I go through the app, I think, surely I am not 10 days late… What is going on here… I try to think about the sex we’d had last, did him cum in me or on me? Where the fuck did he cum?! OMG.

Another 5 days later, still no period. I am having other weird symptoms, not only heart burn, but I am extremely tired, sleeping though the dogs waking up in the middle of the night, sleeping poorly for 10 hours per night. Surely I can’t be pregnant.

But I go buy a home pregnancy test… I don’t want to take this test… What if it’s positive…? I wouldn’t have an abortion, I know that, however, I don’t want to find out I’m pregnant to my married ex-boyfriend when I have 10 month old puppies & a new amazing job. FUCK this is the worst timing & probably why it would happen now. Just to fuck up everything!

NEGATIVE.

Phew. Relief washes over me… But another 7 days go by & I am still late. I feel nothing going on inside me. I am now nauseous at different times throughout the day, I am not really hungry but I am not loosing any weight either, in fact I have been putting on weight. What the fuck is going on with me.

At 22 days late during a bout of Adelaide Covid Lockdown, I choose to make an appointment with a GP, I can’t get into my regular Dr, so I see another woman who I explain what is happening & that I have had my tubes tied, so if I am we need to know because it could be ectopic. She refers me for a blood test. Should I tell Marvel? He’ll say something like a dick & piss me off. I decide I won’t say anything to him until I know anything, no point causing drama if I don’t need too.

I head to the blood test place & the woman asks me, how many weeks I am… WHAT THE FUCK. How many weeks… From the date of your last period, right? Then its 7 weeks. OMG. I can’t be 7 weeks pregnant…

My mind goes into overdrive. What will I say to Marvel. I know I would have to say it to him in person. I daydream (Not in a good way) about sitting in his work car park by his car waiting for him to finish to tell him. I know that I would have to be explicit because he will ask immediately “Is it mine?” which would fuck me off to no end. He would ask what I am doing at his work, so I would say 3 statements. In quick succession.

“I’m pregnant.

It’s yours

I’m keeping it.”

I wonder what he would do. Would he leave her? Would I want to be with him? My mind is ticking over & over with scenarios. The thing that scares me the most about this pregnancy scare, I am more worried about not being pregnant & then realising that I want kids. FUCK. Fuxkitdy fuck sticks.

I stupidly think about our life together with a child. I think about what I would name it. I think about how my life would be if I had it & he didn’t want anything to do with it… That would hurt, but I wouldn’t ever keep a child away from their father, even if I hated his guts with all my might for hurting me…

The night before I am supposed to get the test results, I have a brainwave, I remember my cousin came to stay at the beginning of July & I am sure I had my period then & I remember talking about it with her… Or did I? I message her to ask, she said that there were tampons on my toilet shelf but then they were gone. So did I just forget to put my period in my app? 

Result day. The surgery calls me at 8:00 am, I think to put me out of my misery, but they tell me that the Dr is sick & they will get another Dr to call me. FUCK. It’s torture waiting… When the Dr calls, she asks what she can do for me, I say that I had a blood test & need the results… She reads the results carefully. Not pregnant. I laugh & breath a sign of relief & I think she does too, thinking that perhaps I wanted to be pregnant, because of my age etc.

So now, what the fuck is wrong with me, not pregnant, I’m not even 40 yet, still a few weeks away, the real diagnosis, is that I clearly have Alzheimer’s, I mean this whole saga was caused because I forgot to log a period in my app? Why have I had all these other symptoms?!

Well there is no answer, a week later my period comes – possibly a few days late but to be honest, I’ve fucked up the app so who knows when it should be! Some one remind me every 24 days or so to log my period so I don’t have to go though this again…

So what does this all mean? Mid to late 2020 I started the process of becoming a foster carer. But I had my friend & her baby living with me, I have just gotten 2 puppies & I was unemployed, this was not the right time to start this but I did anyway but put it on hold when shit started getting too much… But after getting a job, becoming financially stable again after not working for a year. I worked on myself mentally with NLP & my psychologist. Eveything is settled with my old workplace, I am back to living alone… My life is sorted again…

I can hear you saying “but you don’t want kids #IBD4U” yeah I never really wanted kids of my own, people say I’m not maternal, but I am just in a different way to those who yearn to get pregnant. But I’ve also never had the opportunity to have kids either, I mean during my peak baby making years I was single & in love with a married man… I always thought I’d have kids in my life in the form or a step child from my partner, in fact the day I met Noodle’s kids solidified that for me but since that hasn’t ever worked out with him or any other man, I have been exploring other options & now I am well into the rigorous process… Lots of paperwork, home visits & training. I’m still not 100% sure I’ll be good at it but I am looking forward to it.

#IBD4U

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