Milky #9

I don’t see Milky again for a while, I don’t make much effort with him to be honest, I am not feeling it with him. Something has changed, in me? In him? I don’t know, but I realise that what I felt for Milky was just lust. He was the first guy to keep seeing me on a regular basis & since I’ve had some regulars since him, I realise they weren’t feelings for him but more about my strong desire to be in a relationship & loved. It’s much easier this second time around to compartmentalise my feelings, they weren’t feelings, I was in love with that idea. Now with multiple men on the roster & having much better sex with some of them, I know that Milky will just be a friend, we’re very different people, I know I was changing myself to be with him because of my fear of dying alone. I must remember that just because a dude is single, it does not mean that they are the one for me.052816 (17)7 months into this weird relationship we seem to have, he asks me a few times to go to wineries or out with him, but I decline for whatever reason, I’m busy or don’t have any money… When he asks me if I want to go to the Fringe with him where there is a rope show, I think hell yeah. For those not in Adelaide, the fringe in a festival in March of every year where there are cabaret acts, comedy shows, music events and even dancing shows, it’s a great time to be in Adelaide, there’s a buzz around the city. When he tells me that Adelaide Peer Rope are doing a show & he wants to go, I get us tickets, I pick him up & drive to the venue. He knows a couple of people, but I of course I know no one but him. It’s weird that he doesn’t introduce me either, he just leaves me standing there awkwardly.

It’s not till we’re out at the event that I realise we are on a date. FUCK. Our first date. DOUBLE FUCK. Do I want to be dating this guy? Why is he blurring the lines? Does he want to date me? Or is he trying to give me what I wanted a year ago? Is this what I want though? I am seeing a couple of other guys, I am now even chatting to Origin again (WTF that’s a whole other story!), do I even like this guy? Did I even like this guy or was he just the first real FWB I ever had? I mean I had lots of guys say they were my FWB, but he was basically the first guy that I hung out with & fucked on a regular basis.

At the rope show I am thinking ‘what if I was here with another guy?’ literally any of the other guys I am seeing right now. I think that it would be less awkward. The conversation is harder with Milky now we’re out & not watching the TV, which is usually what we talk about. He doesn’t introduce me to the people he knows at the event, does he not know my name? or does he not want to be seen with me? He knows my name, he uses it in texts. So maybe he doesn’t want to be seen with me? Why did he even invite me here?

I am absolutely mesmerised by the rope show. It’s amazing, how quickly they get tied up & how intricate it is. It looks amazing. One of them are a couple & I love how it seems like he tickles her skin with the rope or kisses her on the cheek or forehead. I look over at Milky & know that this isn’t the guy who is going to be with me forever – or even the rest of this year – or maybe even month. I’ve been feeling it for a while as you know, but this evening confirms it. I mean it’s taken a year to get this guy on an actual date & even though he’s seen me naked 100 times. I feel so… what is the word? I don’t even know. Yes, I do… I feel so exposed.

We go home to his house that night, I stay over (of course! hahaha) We fuck, you guessed it, at the end of his bed with my legs in the air. What a surprise! Ironically this is very last time I ever fuck Milky, however the story with him is not over! Nor is it the last time I ever see him…

#IBD4U

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