One thing I hate is someone saying “You’re attractive” I don’t know why I hate that word so much, I guess it’s something you say to someone when they’re not beautiful or they don’t know what else to say to them about their looks. I used to get called attractive when I was fat so now that I am not & my face has changed a lot, I get called gorgeous or beautiful, things I don’t associate with me at all… (I know the self esteem issues of being a fat single girl for 12 years will always prevail! I’m working on it.)
So when Noodle calls me attractive, my heart sinks & I think that he isn’t into me at all – slight overreaction, I know but this is where my head goes. So when I explain why I hate attractive, he says to me “You are gorgeous & beautiful too – attractive just means attractive to me.” Well fuck he knows the right thing to say sometimes. I, of course, still find it hard to believe him so he reassures me further “You don’t believe my hands when they touch your body?” I do believe his hands but I think that’s just because I’m a different person to his partner, who he’s been with for 10 years & she’s also bigger than me (Apparently from what he says) – that doesn’t mean that I should think I am sexy. “Even if you are different… My hands still find you sexy & hot… & gorgeous & beautiful. & sometimes I might find you cute” FUCK…
Noodle knows I am not fucking anyone else anymore & haven’t for almost a month, I feel like he’s let his guard down a little bit more with me, not being as douchy & really boosting my ego a lot more. This is weird for me, this is usually when the guy pulls away from me. This seems to be drawing Noodle closer.
The next week, I have a week off work; he is now finished at his store & starting 5 weeks of holidays himself. I am worried things will be different for us, that we won’t get to see each other. But with him able to fake his location on his phone, it makes it easier; however he doesn’t do a lot outside of working, like play a sport or have a lot of friends to use as an alibi. I wouldn’t have a problem coming up with an alibi & I often think up things that he could do or say but he doesn’t seem to want to draw attention to the fact he’s having an ongoing affair.
On the weekend we are chatting, as usual, the whole time she’s at work or asleep, which let me tell you, is a lot. They don’t spend a lot of time together, nor do they spend a lot of time as a family, as I would if I had a family, like going out to parks or whatever but they never see to do anything like that. When he says something about his food, it’s not unusual, we talk a lot about food as always, but then he says something about his partner not being able to eat a lot of things right now. I think what the fuck does that mean? When it hits me… She’s fucking pregnant. He dances around the subject until I force him to admit it to me how far along is she, she’s just over a month along… So I get why he hasn’t told me. Shit… He tells me that he’s happy but they’d had quite a few miscarriages so he was at a point of not wanting to keep trying to get pregnant. I also get the feeling that he isn’t entirely happy about the pregnancy, now that he has me… Maybe that’s wishful thinking… Obviously this guy is having an affair, he seems to think that it’s purely because of their sex life, but that is absolute fucking bullshit. It’s never just about sex if they are chatting to the same woman or seeing the same woman. If it was about sex, he’d pick up any woman & fuck her, then discard her… It’s easier to cover your tracks then… A guy wouldn’t build a connection with someone, they wouldn’t tell their mistress any personal details or talk to them for hours on end if it was just about sex. For me there would be no last names, no job titles – I would even be weird about them seeing what type of car I drove! I know all of this about him.
I don’t know how I feel about her being pregnant. I guess, I am not entirely happy because it ties him to her even more – a second child… There is no hope for anything with him now… JESUS, where did that come from?! I need to stop thinking that shit right now, there was never any hope with this guy. It’s the wake up call I need. However, I don’t start seeing other people. I still stay right where I am, just fucking Noodle.
On the Tuesday morning, we have some more time together, he comes over later in the morning – not at the crack of dawn like usual, & stays till almost lunch time. We’re in bed teasing each other, we’ve been getting better at actually doing longer foreplay than just wanting his cock deep inside me within seconds of being naked. We’re kissing in bed, he’s on top of me, we’re about to fuck, I’m begging him to be inside me, he’s resisting because he hasn’t put a condom on yet. I say “Just fuck me” (meaning put on the condom & fuck me) but as he slides his cock inside me, without a condom, I don’t stop him… I want this… I haven’t fucked a guy without a condom for quite a while, I almost forgot how different it feels. It feels so divine, I never thought it could or would feel like this… I almost wish I’d been fucking him without a condom the whole time, this feels right. He tells me how good it feels for him too & we look at each other with this look of knowing there is no going back now – but also a look of should we be doing this? This changes everything. This changes the dynamic of what we have together, I know it seems like a small thing, but it’s significant. It’s only been 3 months since we started fucking, so this is fast, considering he’s got a partner who he definitely isn’t using condoms with. FUCK. Later he tells me “That was so hot this morning, Gonna have to try & NOT think about it all day” Yeah, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the day without thinking about it either.
We don’t really talk about not using condoms anymore, but after that, we never use one again & it’s so much better… I forgot that there’s no interruption to get it out the draw & open it, put it on… Makes sex flow even better… Though I will miss when he’s kneeling above me, leaning over to get it out of the draw & him trying to open the packet, so I surprise him with a quick suck of his dick… I won’t do it AC (After condom hahaha) because it takes like plastic. Noodle has only gone down on me once after he’s fucked me & he said it tasted rank… Thanks Noodle! Hahaha. He just meant the plastic taste.
The next day driving to Murray Bridge for work, I see a message from Noodle saying “My wife says she’ll leave me if I join the gym” I literally look at the message for the longest time & don’t even know what to reply. Noodle & I have been talking about the gym a lot, I go a fair bit having found a little independent gym that I actually like & he’s been saying that he’s needing to go to the gym too. My first thought though to her wanting to leave him & his message to me is “Are you kidding me, that he’d let an ultimatum stop him from joining a gym?” but also I briefly think “What if she does leave him? Would we be together?” I don’t know what to say I am surprised at how weak he is really. I ask him if he’s going to let that stop him & he says “I don’t know, I didn’t think she’d threaten that.” I mean she’s been threatening to leave him for ages, he’s told me numerous times that she threatens to leave when things get tough or when she asks him if he’s cheating, saying that she’ll move to Tasmania, where her parents are going, taking their Son with her & he’ll never see him again. He tells me that he asks her why she doesn’t want him to go to the gym & she says “Cos I said so” WOW… Mature… Why would someone threaten someone else to make them stay with them? Also who are these women & why do they have a partner & I’m still single?