I hate the What If’s as I’ve said before in my What If blog post. I think sometimes we have to take the path that is there for us at the time… Timing is everything!
The Impossible Situation
So… I fell for my best friends ex.
We are now dating exclusively.
I know, I know- massive girl-code violation. Don’t hate me yet though.
He and I started chatting online. At first, he didn’t recognise me (it had been some time since he’s seen me). I knew exactly who he was and so did she. She even encouraged me to chat to him, if anything just to be a tease. He also had posted a photo she felt was inappropriate, and wanted to know what he had to say about it.
He and I continued talking, and – much to my surprise- actually had a lot of common ground. After all the fuckboys who were more interested in my cup size than my brain, this intellectual chatting was a breath of fresh air. He’s an artist, and asked for my to collaborate with him on a body of work. He came to the city to meet me and discuss ideas.
It was here that he first kissed me. If I’m being honest with myself, that was the moment things got heavy for me. That seemingly innocent, insignificant little kiss turned my world on its head- I just couldn’t admit that. I also couldn’t admit that, had we been somewhere more private- I would have jumped him then and there. But at that time, I couldn’t be honest with myself- so I got mad at him.
I knew there were very few ways that this impossible situation could turn out. Most of them were what I perceived to be bad at the time. So I fought against it. I knew I had to tell her. I agonised for a week over what to say. I was an absolute mess.
When I finally saw her and told her- she burst into fits of laughter. She told me that if I wanted to pursue something with him I could and that she had no problem with it. At this stage, I could only see myself being friends with him, and that was enough for me.
Part of me doubted him. From the stories I’d heard about him over the years, I just didn’t think that he was who he was when talking to me. I regarded him with a lot of scepticism and he wore it. He understood why I felt how I did.
He’d also read my blog, and thought more of me for being open and honest about my experiences. There was a confrontation about some online content between my friend and her ex and I got pulled into the middle of it.
At this point, I was so torn, because I could see and understand both points of view and I wanted to help both of them. I chose my friend that day and told him to back off me a little; to respect my boundaries and stay my friend without hoping for more.
He and I continued to talk. Even though things were terse between him and my friend, I just couldn’t stop. Talking to him every day was just habit now. We enjoyed talking to each other and sharing our day.
My feelings changed completely when I got sick. I ended up in hospital and he rushed to my side, knowing I was scared and in pain. When I got out, he stayed with me for a week and cared for me, making sure I was comfortable and resting and not overdoing it.
He got nothing out of it except my company and he still chose to do it. When he did this, it opened my eyes to the side of him I point blank refused myself to see. I never wanted to think of him in terms of being someone I could be with, because he was my friends ex.
I couldn’t deny it anymore. I wanted to know just what potential we have.
I did what I felt was right and asked my friend. She gave me the all- clear and I followed my heart and pursued him.
Once we became a couple, things fell apart between my friend and I, as well as our mutual friends.
She wasn’t as OK with it all as if been led to believe, and now I was a traitor and a bad friend. Most of our mutual friends have been really passive aggressive towards me, which is beyond immature, seeing as we are all adults. I chose to ignore it all and try to be the bigger person, even though the venom hurt.
Here’s the kicker- I’m happier now than I have been in a long time, and I don’t regret my decision to date him.
We may not have got together in a conventional way, but the end justifies the means. I could have chosen to stay in my box and never aim for happiness. But I selfishly chose my own happiness and though I still feel guilt from time to time, the whole experience has been worth it.
He and I may last a lifetime; we may not even last a year- but I’ll never have to wonder “what if?”.
Here is the link to her blog: https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/155174584/posts/54